Young & Hungry (2014–…): Season 3, Episode 5 - Young & Therapy - full transcript

What the hell is going on out here?

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I wake you?

I was trying so hard to be quiet.

I can't sleep, Sofia.
I'm so upset about Josh.

You said time would heal all
wounds, but it's not working.

It's been two hours.

Yes, but two hours feels
like forever when...

and all you want are
answers, Sofia. Answers!

Hey, maybe the answers
will come to you in a dream.

- Let's find out.
- No!

How am I supposed to go to work on
Monday and act like nothing happened?

I mean, what am I supposed to say
to him? How can I even look at him?

Call in sick.

But then I can't see him.

Gabi, we're gonna have to
pace out your angst, okay?

It's Sunday morning.

Early, early Sunday morning.

We're gonna have so much
time to talk about this.

Yeah, but... but what about
on Wednesday when you and Jake

go to Florida for your cousin's
quinceañera and I'm alone?

Who am I going to talk to then? Huh?

What am I gonna do then?

I'll just be a FaceTime away.

Any minute, any hour you
need me, you're my girl.

You know you always come first with me.

Oh, what would I do without you?

- Sofia.
- Right here!

- Hey, Martina.
- Hey.

You girls were just in here last week.

What's the problem, broken
nail or broken heart?

- Heart.
- Nail.

Do you think you can squeeze
us in for a day of beauty?

Mija, if I could squeeze
my tatas into this dress,

I can squeeze in anything.

- What do you need?
- To be happy again.

Which starts with you helping me pick
out a nail color for the quinceañera.

Yay.

What's wrong, chica?

What kind of problems
can a young, skinny,

gorgeous white girl like you have?

- It's Josh.
- Oh, here we go.

I mean, we finally get together
and he can't even kiss me.

After a year of waiting?
Nah, I don't get it.

Maybe you need a new look.

You know, some highlights, a blowout,

gel manicure with some pinky bling.

We happen to be having a special.

No, Martina. All the bling in the
world isn't gonna get Josh over

- his commitment issues.
- Aye, than I say forget him.

You know, there are plenty
of other fish in the sea,

and you know how to catch one?

With some highlights, a blowout,

gel manicure with some pinky bling.

Did I mention we're having a special?

Okay, what's going on in there?
Everybody keeps coming out giggling.

Oh. I'll tell you why.

We just put in a spray tanning booth,

and the vent connects to the
therapist office above us,

so now whoever gets a spray tan can
hear every word of the entire session.

That is a total invasion of privacy.

- Well...
- I want to hear the details.

So last week I heard a
man who wanted to know

what it feels like to be a woman.

So, after the session, I intercepted him

in the stairwell, and do
you know what I offered him?

Some highlights, a blowout,
a gel manicure with some...

- We get it, Martina.
- Aye.

No, no, no, no. I got it.

Therapy. That's the answer.

Josh should go to that
therapist upstairs to

deal with his commitment issues.

Well, I think therapy's a great idea,

but why would you want
him to go to that one?

Then every woman in here
would know about his problems.

Not every woman.

Just this one.

Can someone measure me?

I will! I will!

No, it's my turn!

So what do you need, baby?

Ah, need to rent a tux for
Sofia's niece's quinceañera.

Oh! I said it!

Quin-cetar...

Nope. Lost it.

I gotta get this right. I'm
meeting her whole family.

I've been practicing though
with Rosetta Stone all morning.

- Check this out.
- Mm-hmm.

Bonsoir, Madame Rodriguez.

- How's that sound?
- Like French.

So I bought Gabi and I
this deluxe couples massage

for tomorrow night, but
after everything that's

- happened...
- Oh, I'll take it!

Just because you're as big as two
people doesn't make you a couple.

Fine.

You want it?

Come and get it.

Fine, we'll split it.

I'll leave the tip,
you hand in the coupon.

If you can find it in there.

Hey, is that Gabi?

Do I hear Gabi? Aye, there she is!

Um, I've been waiting
for you all morning.

Not that I'm complaining. I mean,
why would I complain in any way?

You're the most awesome, understanding
woman, nay, person, I've ever met.

How was your weekend?

Well, after the you-couldn't-kiss-me
incident, it was sad,

but then it got un-sad because I
figured out a way to solve our problem,

nay, your problem.

So did I.

So, yesterday I had the whole day
to think about my commitment issues,

and how I could fix
said commitment issues.

So, I did a search
for commitment issues.

Here's what I got.

Shwa!

Wow. Impressive.

Thank you.

Thank you so much for that.

That was chapter three: Acknowledgment.

Wow, uh, you know what this shows me?

That you really want to help yourself.

- I do.
- And I want to help you help you.

And I have a way to do that
without all of this pesky reading.

How about a real, live person?

Someone who will listen to you,

and who will guide you, and...
♪ Ba Ba Na Na ♪

This is a punch card
for buy 10 manicures,

- get one free.
- Ooh.

"Dr. Kenneth Stonehouse,
Clinical Psychologist".

I hear he's great and
he has a reputation

of getting to the problem
and fixing it lickety-split.

- Lickety-split, huh?
- Yeah, yeah.

It says so on the back of the card.

"Problems solved lickety-split". Mmm.

Uh, look Gabi, I really appreciate
it, but I'm not a huge fan of therapy.

My mom's been going to
therapy for 20 years,

and, well, you've met her.

Wait, wait, wait.

But... but she didn't go
to Dr. Kenneth Stonehouse.

- Gabi, I hear ya.
- And I wanna hear you!

Say that you'll go.

Tomorrow at 1:00.

You already made me an appointment?

I'm sorry, do you feel like
I overstepped my bounds?

That's great. You'll
have more to talk about.

And talk loud!

Uh, hello, why aren't your clothes off?

Um, so, do you remember when I told
you I wanted to treat us both to some

- spray tans?
- Yeah.

Well, what if instead I treat
us to some light espionage?

- Gabi, you didn't.
- I did.

Josh is about to walk in for
his appointment any second.

Gabi, not only is this totally
wrong, but it's bordering on illegal.

What? I did it for you!

Me? What are you talking about?

Well, if I came here by myself, I would
hear all of this horrible information

and then I would come
home, possibly in tears,

and you would be like,
"What's wrong, Gabi?"

and I would tell you,
and you would be like,

"Well, are you sure you
heard him correctly?"

and then I'd be like,
"Well, I'm pretty sure."

Now you can be totally sure. See?

Gabi, I don't want any part in this.

- Come in, Mr. Kaminski.
- It's happening!

So, what brings you here today?

Well, I keep having this recurring dream

where my girlfriend is
smothering me with a pillow.

Oh, he thinks I'm smothering him?

- That's ridiculous.
- Do you believe I have to stand here

- and listen to this?
- Shh! Shh!

Sounds like a classic anxiety dream,

and it may signify
deeper intimacy issues.

So how do I fix it?

Yeah, and how long is it gonna take?

Well, these issues
usually start in childhood.

Sometimes it takes
people years to resolve.

"Years"? Are you kidding me?

- That's not lickety-split!
- Shh!

Hey, are you two
listening to a new patient?

Do you want some popcorn and
soda? I'm having a special.

Oh, my God.

That was 90 minutes of pure bliss.

Elliot, Yolanda.

It's important to hydrate.

Oh, honey, I just got a
peek under Elliot's robe.

You can keep the water. I need whiskey.

But I thought you two were a couple.

A couple of employees using
our boss's appointment.

Plus, I like guys.

She likes fries.

Well...

in that case, here's my card.

Call me anytime.

To book another massage?

Yeah, that too.

Okay.

Oh well, we've got to get back to work.

Thank you for comin'.

- Bye!
- Yeah.

What the hell was that?

What the hell was what?

That man was clearly flirting with you,

and instead of telling
him you were married,

you started giggling like a white girl

that just got a free
pumpkin spice latte.

Oh, stop it.

He's just looking for repeat business.

You really think he's into me?

Yes, and trust me, this is a
slippery slope to infidelity.

First you're giggling, then
you're flirting, then bam!

You're screwing the dog
walker on my grandma's futon!

Yolanda, I'm not your ex-husband.

- I'd never cheat on Alan.
- Hm...

then you won't mind if I do this.

You ever hear of the Internet, bitch?

Sofia, you don't have
to check up on me, okay?

I haven't said one single thing to Josh.

- You haven't seen him yet, have you?
- No.

Well, I'm not here to
check up on you anyway.

Jake and I are leaving
for Florida tomorrow,

so I just want to make sure that
everything's good with his tu...

Oh, my God.

Isn't it crazy how different
our lives are right now?

I love this tux. I'mma
start renting all my clothes.

Oh, I love it too. You
look like my prom date,

except you're tall,
gorgeous, and not my cousin.

Morning, everybody.

Ugh, there he is.

Keep it together.

Sofia, I'm not stupid, okay?
I'm not gonna bring it up.

Hi, Josh. How was therapy?

- Okay, so here's the thing...
- I know the thing!

Okay? I know everything!

I know about your smother
dreams and your intimacy issues,

and all the years it's gonna take for
you to heal your stupid inner child!

Well, guess what, buddy?

I'm not waiting years for
you to figure out your crap.

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

Oh, save it, Josh. The therapist I sent
you to is right above my nail salon.

I heard everything. All
your sick little issues.

Well, you definitely heard someone's
issues, but they weren't mine.

Oh, please. I heard
him say "Mr. Kaminski".

How do you explain that?

It... it was me.

- What?
- Oh, my God.

Josh gave me his appointment.

Wow. I am so happy
you're not my boyfriend.

I don't understand.

You're the Kaminski who feels smothered?

Yeah, I... I didn't even know I
had that problem until yesterday.

You think I'm smothering you?

No, not you. Life.

And you.

It's so weird.

I was having all these crazy dreams,
which I mentioned to Josh, so he gave me

the therapy appointment
that Gabi gave him,

which helped me work everything
out, and I feel so much better.

Last night, I finally
had my normal dream...

just flying around.

So, what you're saying is that you
have Gabi to thank for all of this.

Yeah!

Thanks, Gabs!

Yeah, thanks, Gabs.

Sofia, I'm... I'm sorry.

You're an amazing girl, but I...
I'm just not ready to settle down.

I gotta move. I gotta travel the world.

So, start after the quinceañera.

- Sofia...
- No, seriously!

You... you have to go. I already
told my whole family about you.

I even sent them pictures, which
they thought were just photos

from a magazine like last time.

I promise I'm not gonna smother you!

Please, please, please,
please, please, please, please!

Sofia, I was always gonna
go to the quiche-etera.

I wasn't going to break
up with you till after.

Oh.

That's so sweet.

Pre-breakup sex?

Oh, oui, oui.

So, um...

pancakes or waffles for breakfast today?

You get to pick 'cause you're m'boss.

- Gabi?
- Yes, m'boss?

You listened in on a
private therapy session?

Yes, but it wasn't just me, okay?

Sofia was there and Martina!

- You manipulated me!
- I know I did, and I'm so sorry.

But the good news is you
don't think I'm smothering you.

I...

can't understand how you don't
see the error of your ways.

I don't understand how you cannot see

that I was just trying to help us.

I... I can't... I... I can't
even talk to you right now.

You kno... you need therapy.

Okay. Maybe I do.

- Maybe we both should go.
- Maybe we should.

Maybe we should just
go to couples therapy.

Oh! So, we're still a couple?

You want me to hold
the elevator for you?

- Go on without me.
- Okay.

- See you tomorrow.
- 'Kay, bye.

- Hi, Nikolai.
- Hey, you.

Why are you still dressed?

Silly.

Why don't you set up your table
while I go change in the bathroom?

You got it.

I should have known that little troll

wouldn't work late if Josh
wasn't here to see him.

What's up, Abercrombie?

Hey, Yolanda.

Ooh! He remembered my name!

Ooh, focus, girl. Focus.

Look here. Here's 100 bucks.

Make yourself scarce.

I gotta lead a miniature horse to
water and pray that he doesn't drink.

Ready!

Nikolai, I'm ready!

Oh, Nikolai,

my back is so tight.

I want you to undo my
knots like a boy scout.

Ooh!

Sauce me up and work me like a rib.

Oh, Nikolai.

This is even better than last time.

You have the strong,
masculine grip of a linebacker.

Oh, don't stop, Nikolai.

This feels so good.

Oh...

Can I just say...

Oh.

Oh...

Can you do my ears?

Nikolai...

you're moving into some
dangerous territory.

Stop!

Nikolai...

I have to say something.

Remember that huge, horrible
woman you met the other day?

Well, she told me not to call you,
and it turns out she was right.

I'm married.

And I love my husband very much.

Now I need you to leave the room

'cause I'm embarrassed to
say you gave me a huge bon...

- Aah!
- Aah!

Oh, my God! Aah!

So over the phone, Josh told me a
little bit about your relationship.

Oh, so he, uh, told you
what started this whole thing

is the fact that we've been trying to
get together for, like, a whole year,

and when we finally did and
tried to kiss, he backed away,

suddenly sickened by me.

I'm sorry, I talk a
lot when I'm nervous,

but you probably figured that out
already because you're a therapist.

And our time's up.

Is that what brought you here today?

You'd think, but no.

Go ahead, Gabi. Tell her what you did.

- Well, I was...
- She spied on my brother

in a therapy session,
thinking it was me.

Go ahead, Gabi.

- What happened was...
- And then she has the nerve

to turn it around on
me like it's my fault.

- It is your fault.
- Okay.

Sometimes when couples
are having difficulty

seeing the other person's point of view,

it helps to do a little role-playing.

Ooh, like I'm a sassy
waitress at a bowling alley?

What I meant was Gabi,
you pretend to be Josh,

and Josh, you pretend to be Gabi.

Oh, so you want us
to do a Freaky Friday?

- Gabi, professionals don't call it...
- Yes, a Freaky Friday.

Okay. I'll start.

Hi, I'm Gabi.

I am a chef who works for a
brilliant tech millionaire named Josh,

who's working very hard on
fixing his commitment issues.

Okay, well, I'm Josh,

and that beautiful, talented
chef I was just talking about,

well I can't believe you
couldn't kiss me. Her.

Okay. So, Gabi...

Yes?

Josh-Gabi, why do you think you
spied on Josh's therapy session?

Well... because I'm childish, immature,

and too impatient to wait
for Josh to get better.

My turn, my turn, my turn.

Josh?

I won't kiss her, I won't date her,

and I don't know when
I'm gonna be better.

In short, I suck.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Don't be so hard on yourself, Josh.

Maybe the reason why you can't commit
is 'cause sometimes I act very immature.

Well, Gabi, you're just a
23-year-old girl. I'm 30.

What's my excuse? You know what?

Maybe we're both too immature
to be together right now.

Maybe what's best for the two of us

is to stop trying to be
together until we both grow up!

Wait, did I just break up with myself?

I can't believe we both
got dumped by Kaminskis.

Well, technically, I broke up with
myself, but, you know, he agreed.

I went to Disney World
and I still feel sad.

Don't. We're better off without them.

- Or are we worse off?
- No, we're better.

Josh and his stupid commitment issues.

Yeah.

Jake and his stupid hands all
over my body late at night.

- Sofia.
- Sorry.

Did I tell you that my
Abuelita fell in love with Jake,

so I told her we're engaged?

I only told her that 'cause she's 98.

- Did you tell everybody else?
- Yes.

- Wanna watch a movie?
- No.

- You wanna get a pizza?
- No.

You wanna get spray tans and listen in
on people who have it way worse than us?

I would like that very much.