Young & Hungry (2014–…): Season 2, Episode 8 - Young & Sandwich - full transcript
Gabi plays matchmaker for picky Sofia; Josh takes a break from the dating scene.
(Computer chimes)
Oh!
Breaking Bad Season Five downloaded.
♪ Walter White is on tonight. ♪
Sofia, it's Friday night!
Yeah, it is!
We're not gonna sleep
till the sun comes up!
You're damn right we're not!
Both: Aren't you gonna
change? Why would I change?
We're going out clubbing tonight.
No, we're not. We're
finishing Breaking Bad tonight.
You know what's breaking
bad? Your dating life.
What are you talking about?
I date.
You've been on three dates in the past year
and you found a reason to hate all of them.
That's not true!
You remember Mr. Brilliant?
How could I forget?
(Snooty accent) "The traffic is brilliant.
"The lighting was brilliant.
"These ice cubes are brilliant."
Okay, well, then you didn't like Rick
because he dotted his I's with a bubble.
And he had a flip phone.
What are we, cavemen?
Okay, listen...
Sweetie, did you ever think maybe
you're just a little too picky?
No!
Look, you just don't get it,
because you have a super Cooper bear.
Yeah, and that's why
I'm pushing you so hard.
I want you to have a super
significant other bear.
Well, it ain't gonna happen,
because all the perfect guys are taken.
I met the perfect guy!
- (Gasps)
- (Laughs)
Marco!
Polo!
Where'd you meet him? The pool?
In the pool of hotties on "HeyCupid."
It's a dating app
where you hold your phone up
and if a guy nearby likes your profile,
bam!
(Giggles)
Now I have Marco.
He's cool, sexy, and owns
a gourmet butcher shop.
Oh, wow!
Sofia hasn't had a good
piece of meat in a while.
So, uh,
we're going on our second date tonight,
so I just came to pick up some mo' wine.
- (Timer dings)
- Oh!
And whatever might be in your oven.
Whoo!
Girl, I am so glad I moved next door.
Sofia...
don't even say it.
I'm not using that app.
Men of the world, you've had your chance.
My ass might not quit, but I do.
Yeah, well, luckily I don't.
"HeyCupid," meet Sofia Maria
Consuelo Rafeala Rodriguez.
That's gonna be an autocorrect nightmare.
(Theme music playing)
♪ She in the spotlight ♪
♪ And she turned my head ♪
♪ She'd run a red light ♪
♪ 'Cause she bad like that ♪
♪ I like that ooh, baby, ooh, baby ♪
♪ Baby ♪
♪ I like that ooh, baby ooh, baby ♪
I need you to press pause on your pathetic
little life and help me hide Josh's stuff.
Caroline just announced her engagement.
What?
But she and Josh broke
up, like, two months ago.
I thought she'd be too busy
making coats out of dalmatian puppies
to get married again.
Wait, does Josh know?
Why do you think I'm hiding his laptop
his smartphone...
And whatever this vibrating thing is?
Yolanda just told me Caroline's engaged?
Damn it!
Listen, Josh,
just because Caroline
is engaged doesn't mean
you need to go start feeling
- all bad about yourself.
- I don't.
You know, like, "Am I not charming enough?
"Am I not funny enough? Am I getting fat?"
Gabi.
Just for the record, Josh,
I'd love you even if you did get fat.
Guys,
I'm happy for Caroline.
We weren't meant to be
together. It's all good.
You don't need to be brave for us, big guy.
Bring it in.
I don't need to go in.
I'm good.
Can I tell you a secret?
What?
If he got fat, wouldn't love him.
(Phone chimes)
Oh, Elliot, can you grab my phone?
I'm elbow-deep in dumplings.
I'm elbow-deep in "I don't care."
(Scoffs) Please,
I made Sofia a fake dating profile
and every time it dings,
it means she got a match.
Don't you want to see?
Are the guys shirtless?
No.
Then no.
(Phone chimes)
Shoot. Uh...
Ooh, Ruben.
Let's see, college graduate,
works in marketing,
five foot...
Eleven! (Gasps)
Oh! Elliot, it looks like we have a match.
Did you know, statistically,
cellphones are dirtier than toilet seats?
I did not.
Excuse me, I'll be in the bathroom,
scrubbing my face till I bleed.
What do you think?
Marco's taking me to lunch,
and I'm trying to look young.
Is he picking you up 20 years ago?
I'm gonna go touch-up my makeup.
Josh's paint roller is in the laundry room.
(Doorbell rings)
Hi, I'm here to...
Elliot?
Marco?
(Gasps)
You're the Marco that's
going out with Yolanda?
But you used to date men,
and by men, I mean me.
Okay, this just got a little weird.
I haven't seen you since
the Madonna concert.
That was a terrible place to dump me.
I haven't been able to
listen to her music since.
Honey, no one has.
Oh, Elliot,
I see you've already met Marco.
Yes, we just met.
Just now.
Not at Brad's Tony Awards party.
Well, let's go, baby.
Marco, are you sure you wouldn't be
more comfortable using the back door?
So...
What are we thinking for lunch, babe?
Thai? Italian?
(Both giggle)
Why don't you try Korean?
Oh, wait.
You have.
Ruben, this is not a big deal.
Okay? You've just got to tell Sofia
that you're a friend
of my boyfriend, Cooper.
How tight am I with this Cooper?
I mean, do we have
nicknames for each other?
Would the guy give me a kidney?
Why? Why do you need a kidney?
That was not in your profile.
Look, look, I think your
roommate is really cute,
- but I'm just not comfortable lying.
- (Gasps) Sofia!
And suddenly, I'm comfortable.
Wow,
you're even prettier than your picture...
That, ah, Coop showed me at work
where I don't need a kidney.
O... kay. So you're in tech.
Tech... nology?
He was, but now he's not.
Yeah, I had a career change.
I work for an establishment
that makes sandwiches.
It's called Sammich's.
You heard of it?
Fast food, yes.
Have you ever heard of
someone having to leave
a date early because
she has an appointment?
This is that.
Sofia.
I cover five of their franchises
as a marketing associate.
I can reschedule.
Yeah, you can.
You know, Coopster told me you were smart,
funny, and gorgeous.
If you ask me,
he under-promised
and over-delivered.
(Giggles)
Marketing speak.
Gabi, I just remembered
that you have to leave early
because you have an appointment.
- No, I don't.
- You do!
Okay.
Good morning, my beautiful best friend.
Well, "good morning" before coffee?
It looks like somebody has a roommate
that found her the perfect guy!
Shh! He's in there right now.
(Gasps) Wow.
Damn, girl.
Way to make up for lost time.
Was it like riding a bicycle
or was it like riding a
bicycle a whole bunch of times?
No, all we did was talk.
Naked?
No, you know I'm old fashioned.
Booty's gotta wait till
at least the seventh date.
Ugh, but he is so amazing
and sweet and ambitious.
Plus, I did a background
check while he was sleeping.
No priors.
Oh, wow. No urine sample? You're slipping.
Well, anyway, I'm gonna shower
because he says he has to leave for work,
where he wears a suit.
I'm finally dating a guy who wears a suit!
♪ Go Gabi, go Gabi. ♪
Hey, Ruben.
Hey!
I thought you left for work.
I did not.
Your turn.
(Chuckles) You mean this?
I wear this for work.
Sofia said you wore a suit to work.
I do.
A ham and cheese sandwich suit.
(Laughs) What?
(Angrily) I mean, what?
You know, for Sammich's.
I'm Sammy the sammich.
My costume's in the car.
Oh my God, I-I set Sofia
up with a sandwich but...
wait, you said you were in marketing.
Well, people see me dance,
and they buy a sandwich...
marketing.
Oh my God.
This is so much worse
than having a flip phone.
That's why I don't tell
girls on the first date.
They can be a little judgy.
Yeah, well, you are a sammich.
And if Sofia finds out, she is
never gonna go out with you again.
(Sighs) I really like her.
I know, and I'm her best friend,
and I want to continue to be,
so you just can't tell her.
Okay? Promise me.
- Okay, yeah.
- All right, shake on it!
Oh God, what have I done?
(Phone chimes)
Oh, man. I've gotta delete this app.
Setting up Sofia was the
worst idea I've ever had.
How would you know?
Don't you need to have a
good idea to compare it to?
You know what? It's fine.
It'll be okay. She'll find
something about him that she hates,
and then she'll dump
him before she finds out
he's a sandwich and dumps me.
Ugh, Gabi!
Enough with the incessant whining.
(Whining) Josh!
I have a problem.
Now is not a good time, Elliot.
Yolanda's dating someone I
used to date. Should I tell her?
Yes.
I was hoping you'd go the other way...
Like Marco used to.
Listen, I may have a little
bit of a situation, too.
Whatever it is,
don't do something in the heat of
the moment that you'll regret forever.
That's all I do. Do you know me?
Are you okay?
I'm fine. No, I'm not.
So I was thinking about
how happy I am for Caroline,
so I went over to her place
and gave her a wedding gift.
Oh, that's sweet. What'd you give her?
An orgasm.
What?
We had sex.
Y...
yes, I know what an orgasm is!
I just didn't know that
you could register for one.
Oh! Ugh!
Oh my God, what is going on with me?
I mean, since I broke up
with Caroline, there's been
Jilly, Lauren, Shauna,
almost Shauna's daughter,
and now back to Caroline.
You lapped yourself.
I know.
High school Josh would have been stoked
to be in this position, but this is not me.
You know what?
I am not sleeping with any more women
until I figure out what is going on.
Listen,
you're not the only one who's
been messing up recently.
I, uh, (Clears throat)
I accidentally set
Sofia up with a sandwich.
I see what you're doing, Gabi.
You're making up something
more idiotic than what I did
to help me feel better
about myself. Thank you.
Yeah, that's what I'm doing.
Yolanda!
I have to tell you something!
Well, tell me while I vacuum,
I have to hurry for my date with Marco!
About that,
I used to date him!
(Shouting) What?
I used to date Marco!
What the hell you talkin' about?
Marco likes women.
Now.
I don't believe you.
Shark tattoo right between the...
Oh my damn!
I'm sorry.
Marco must have been experimenting,
and I was his laboratory.
I can't believe I'm saying this,
but I don't want you to get hurt.
'Cause even though Marco went straight,
he still might fluctuate.
Oh, that is so sweet, Elliot.
But let's be real.
He went "gaysian," then
changed his persuasion.
Oh, hey, I had a thought about Ruben.
Oh, you noticed he chews weird,
and you kicked him to the curb?
He chews perfectly.
Finally!
Hey, listen, the point is
uh, you got your groove back.
You know, so now you can get out there
and you can date other people, not Ruben.
Are you crazy?
I finally meet a guy I like,
that's why I'm breaking the
seven-date rule on having sex tonight.
No! No, no, no. Don't.
Put that away!
The rule is very clear, okay?
Booty's gotta wait until
you find things you hate.
Okay, what is going on?
Because a couple of days ago,
you couldn't wait for me to meet someone.
And now you want me to dump him?
Okay, sit down.
There's something about
Ruben you should know.
Okay, well tell me.
Because I think he's the perfect man.
Not so much of a man...
As a manwich.
What?
(Sighs) Ruben...
Is a sandwich.
Yes, Gabi. Haha!
I'm sure he's never heard that one before.
No, no, no. No! Listen, my point is
Ruben is a sandwich,
a professional sandwich.
Ruben is Sammy the sammich.
Hold on.
You mean, the one that
stands outside the...
- Uh-huh. Yeah.
- With the...
- Who does the...
- Yeah.
- What the...
- Go!
I don't understand. Why can't
you just break up with him
over text like all the other ones?
Because he lied to me.
I almost had a one-night "standwich."
Here he is.
Hey!
Why didn't you tell me?
I mean, we-we stayed up all night talking.
We shared intimate details of our lives.
I know your favorite sandwich!
But you forgot to mention that you are one!
- (Gasps) Hey!
- Gabi: Hey, hey!
Don't push me!
Nobody shoves my best friend.
Come here! (Grunting)
(Grunts)
- (Gabi groans)
- (Sofia screams)
You got to apologize!
(Gabi and Sofia gasp)
You're not Ruben.
You're damn right I'm not.
(Gasps)
Uh, five second rule. I'm so sorry!
(Gabi and Sofia grunting)
I'm so sorry.
Sofia? What are you doing here?
Oh my God. The gloves.
You are a sandwich!
I was gonna tell you,
but Gabi made me swear not to.
What?
All right, you can't pin this all on me.
This never would have happened if you
didn't lie to me on your HeyCupid profile.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back it up, sista.
Profile?
I thought you said he
was a friend of Cooper's.
Uh...
Okay. Listen, I'm-I'm just
gonna come clean. Okay?
Cooper went on HeyCupid...
- Gabi.
- I'm sorry.
I set you up with a fake dating profile,
'cause I wanted you to
find the perfect guy.
Oh my God.
You know, this is too much...
Even for you.
You're lucky this doesn't
have a middle finger!
(Gasps)
Everyone's talking about this place.
(Both chuckle)
And the food looks good.
Oh, the porterhouse steak sounds awesome.
Oh, but the Chinese
chicken salad looks delish!
So you can go either way, huh?
I sure can.
I think I'll have the salad.
I love an Asian dressing.
(Giggles)
And undressing.
(Forced chuckle)
Bop, bop, bop.
(Marco's voice) Let's hurry and order.
The sooner we eat,
the sooner we can burn off these calories.
Oh, hell no, Elliot!
Elliot?
Oh.
I see what this is about.
He told you we used to date
and it freaks you out
that I've been with men.
Oh, no, no.
I-I'm cool with that. I mean,
whatever floats your boat.
But Elliot?
Let's leave the past in the past.
Tonight is just you and me.
(Giggles) Oh, you're right.
I'm being silly.
Mmm.
Ah!
I can't.
I'm sorry, Elliot... I mean, Marco...
El Marco. Bye!
This whole Caroline thing just
really screwed with my head.
I need to work out some frustration.
Couldn't you just drink, like my dad?
I mean, it was so stupid.
I don't even have feelings for her anymore.
It meant nothing.
Ouch!
Yeah, I know. It sounds
harsh, but it's true.
She was never right for me.
None of these girls were.
Why do I keep hooking
up with all these women?
(Panting) Okay, you need to stop.
I wish I could, Elliot. I wish I could.
(Groans) It hurts!
You're damn right, it does, but maybe
I bury this pain by sleeping around.
Why are you doing this?
Maybe because I want that feeling, Elliot.
The feeling you get when
you're excited about somebody,
when you can't get enough of them.
When all you do is think about them...
The way I feel about Gabi.
- Gabi?
- Oof!
Oh my God, that's it.
I still have feelings for Gabi.
(Sighs)
Now what?
Call 911.
Even though I am eating
this sundae you made
to buy back my friendship,
it does not mean that I have forgiven you.
Sofia, I noticed that you are
picking out and not eating the almonds.
(Clears throat) Let me
stop you right there.
I know what you're doing.
You put almonds in my sundae,
knowing that I do not like them,
because even though the
sundae's not perfect,
I'll love it anyway.
Oh, did you pick up on that?
And it's not gonna work
because a sundae isn't a person,
unless you're planning to set me up
with a person who dresses like a sundae.
Let me ask you something.
Who's the biggest disaster
you've ever met in your whole life?
You.
Okay, first off, you
answered that too fast.
And second,
despite what happened today,
do you love me?
(Sighs) Of course I do.
Well, then why is it you
can accept all of my flaws
and still love me, but you can't
do that with the guys that you date?
I don't know.
It's j... it's just different with guys.
Oh, is it?
Yes, I mean, they're...
They're like...
They do... (Sighs)
Wow, that's a really good point.
Well, let me ask you another question.
Would you still love
me if I was a sandwich?
Oh my God.
My plan has worked.
Ruben!
Oh!
I am... I am so, so sorry!
I really like you,
and I don't care if you're a sandwich.
We just won't tell my parents.
Oh, please tell me I have the right one.
Yeah, you do.
Thank God!
Marco, I had a feeling you'd call.
I just wanted to make up
for the Madonna concert.
Papa don't mean to preach,
but I have a boyfriend.
I just thought that since you're here,
you and your boyfriend aren't exclusive.
It's just a drink.
Yeah, that's what you
said the night we met.
(Marco's voice) Look me in the eye
and tell me that you're
not attracted to me, baby.
That you don't want a big slice of this.
Ah!
Sorry, I can't do this!
Marco... Yolanda... Malanda.
Bye!
Oh!
Breaking Bad Season Five downloaded.
♪ Walter White is on tonight. ♪
Sofia, it's Friday night!
Yeah, it is!
We're not gonna sleep
till the sun comes up!
You're damn right we're not!
Both: Aren't you gonna
change? Why would I change?
We're going out clubbing tonight.
No, we're not. We're
finishing Breaking Bad tonight.
You know what's breaking
bad? Your dating life.
What are you talking about?
I date.
You've been on three dates in the past year
and you found a reason to hate all of them.
That's not true!
You remember Mr. Brilliant?
How could I forget?
(Snooty accent) "The traffic is brilliant.
"The lighting was brilliant.
"These ice cubes are brilliant."
Okay, well, then you didn't like Rick
because he dotted his I's with a bubble.
And he had a flip phone.
What are we, cavemen?
Okay, listen...
Sweetie, did you ever think maybe
you're just a little too picky?
No!
Look, you just don't get it,
because you have a super Cooper bear.
Yeah, and that's why
I'm pushing you so hard.
I want you to have a super
significant other bear.
Well, it ain't gonna happen,
because all the perfect guys are taken.
I met the perfect guy!
- (Gasps)
- (Laughs)
Marco!
Polo!
Where'd you meet him? The pool?
In the pool of hotties on "HeyCupid."
It's a dating app
where you hold your phone up
and if a guy nearby likes your profile,
bam!
(Giggles)
Now I have Marco.
He's cool, sexy, and owns
a gourmet butcher shop.
Oh, wow!
Sofia hasn't had a good
piece of meat in a while.
So, uh,
we're going on our second date tonight,
so I just came to pick up some mo' wine.
- (Timer dings)
- Oh!
And whatever might be in your oven.
Whoo!
Girl, I am so glad I moved next door.
Sofia...
don't even say it.
I'm not using that app.
Men of the world, you've had your chance.
My ass might not quit, but I do.
Yeah, well, luckily I don't.
"HeyCupid," meet Sofia Maria
Consuelo Rafeala Rodriguez.
That's gonna be an autocorrect nightmare.
(Theme music playing)
♪ She in the spotlight ♪
♪ And she turned my head ♪
♪ She'd run a red light ♪
♪ 'Cause she bad like that ♪
♪ I like that ooh, baby, ooh, baby ♪
♪ Baby ♪
♪ I like that ooh, baby ooh, baby ♪
I need you to press pause on your pathetic
little life and help me hide Josh's stuff.
Caroline just announced her engagement.
What?
But she and Josh broke
up, like, two months ago.
I thought she'd be too busy
making coats out of dalmatian puppies
to get married again.
Wait, does Josh know?
Why do you think I'm hiding his laptop
his smartphone...
And whatever this vibrating thing is?
Yolanda just told me Caroline's engaged?
Damn it!
Listen, Josh,
just because Caroline
is engaged doesn't mean
you need to go start feeling
- all bad about yourself.
- I don't.
You know, like, "Am I not charming enough?
"Am I not funny enough? Am I getting fat?"
Gabi.
Just for the record, Josh,
I'd love you even if you did get fat.
Guys,
I'm happy for Caroline.
We weren't meant to be
together. It's all good.
You don't need to be brave for us, big guy.
Bring it in.
I don't need to go in.
I'm good.
Can I tell you a secret?
What?
If he got fat, wouldn't love him.
(Phone chimes)
Oh, Elliot, can you grab my phone?
I'm elbow-deep in dumplings.
I'm elbow-deep in "I don't care."
(Scoffs) Please,
I made Sofia a fake dating profile
and every time it dings,
it means she got a match.
Don't you want to see?
Are the guys shirtless?
No.
Then no.
(Phone chimes)
Shoot. Uh...
Ooh, Ruben.
Let's see, college graduate,
works in marketing,
five foot...
Eleven! (Gasps)
Oh! Elliot, it looks like we have a match.
Did you know, statistically,
cellphones are dirtier than toilet seats?
I did not.
Excuse me, I'll be in the bathroom,
scrubbing my face till I bleed.
What do you think?
Marco's taking me to lunch,
and I'm trying to look young.
Is he picking you up 20 years ago?
I'm gonna go touch-up my makeup.
Josh's paint roller is in the laundry room.
(Doorbell rings)
Hi, I'm here to...
Elliot?
Marco?
(Gasps)
You're the Marco that's
going out with Yolanda?
But you used to date men,
and by men, I mean me.
Okay, this just got a little weird.
I haven't seen you since
the Madonna concert.
That was a terrible place to dump me.
I haven't been able to
listen to her music since.
Honey, no one has.
Oh, Elliot,
I see you've already met Marco.
Yes, we just met.
Just now.
Not at Brad's Tony Awards party.
Well, let's go, baby.
Marco, are you sure you wouldn't be
more comfortable using the back door?
So...
What are we thinking for lunch, babe?
Thai? Italian?
(Both giggle)
Why don't you try Korean?
Oh, wait.
You have.
Ruben, this is not a big deal.
Okay? You've just got to tell Sofia
that you're a friend
of my boyfriend, Cooper.
How tight am I with this Cooper?
I mean, do we have
nicknames for each other?
Would the guy give me a kidney?
Why? Why do you need a kidney?
That was not in your profile.
Look, look, I think your
roommate is really cute,
- but I'm just not comfortable lying.
- (Gasps) Sofia!
And suddenly, I'm comfortable.
Wow,
you're even prettier than your picture...
That, ah, Coop showed me at work
where I don't need a kidney.
O... kay. So you're in tech.
Tech... nology?
He was, but now he's not.
Yeah, I had a career change.
I work for an establishment
that makes sandwiches.
It's called Sammich's.
You heard of it?
Fast food, yes.
Have you ever heard of
someone having to leave
a date early because
she has an appointment?
This is that.
Sofia.
I cover five of their franchises
as a marketing associate.
I can reschedule.
Yeah, you can.
You know, Coopster told me you were smart,
funny, and gorgeous.
If you ask me,
he under-promised
and over-delivered.
(Giggles)
Marketing speak.
Gabi, I just remembered
that you have to leave early
because you have an appointment.
- No, I don't.
- You do!
Okay.
Good morning, my beautiful best friend.
Well, "good morning" before coffee?
It looks like somebody has a roommate
that found her the perfect guy!
Shh! He's in there right now.
(Gasps) Wow.
Damn, girl.
Way to make up for lost time.
Was it like riding a bicycle
or was it like riding a
bicycle a whole bunch of times?
No, all we did was talk.
Naked?
No, you know I'm old fashioned.
Booty's gotta wait till
at least the seventh date.
Ugh, but he is so amazing
and sweet and ambitious.
Plus, I did a background
check while he was sleeping.
No priors.
Oh, wow. No urine sample? You're slipping.
Well, anyway, I'm gonna shower
because he says he has to leave for work,
where he wears a suit.
I'm finally dating a guy who wears a suit!
♪ Go Gabi, go Gabi. ♪
Hey, Ruben.
Hey!
I thought you left for work.
I did not.
Your turn.
(Chuckles) You mean this?
I wear this for work.
Sofia said you wore a suit to work.
I do.
A ham and cheese sandwich suit.
(Laughs) What?
(Angrily) I mean, what?
You know, for Sammich's.
I'm Sammy the sammich.
My costume's in the car.
Oh my God, I-I set Sofia
up with a sandwich but...
wait, you said you were in marketing.
Well, people see me dance,
and they buy a sandwich...
marketing.
Oh my God.
This is so much worse
than having a flip phone.
That's why I don't tell
girls on the first date.
They can be a little judgy.
Yeah, well, you are a sammich.
And if Sofia finds out, she is
never gonna go out with you again.
(Sighs) I really like her.
I know, and I'm her best friend,
and I want to continue to be,
so you just can't tell her.
Okay? Promise me.
- Okay, yeah.
- All right, shake on it!
Oh God, what have I done?
(Phone chimes)
Oh, man. I've gotta delete this app.
Setting up Sofia was the
worst idea I've ever had.
How would you know?
Don't you need to have a
good idea to compare it to?
You know what? It's fine.
It'll be okay. She'll find
something about him that she hates,
and then she'll dump
him before she finds out
he's a sandwich and dumps me.
Ugh, Gabi!
Enough with the incessant whining.
(Whining) Josh!
I have a problem.
Now is not a good time, Elliot.
Yolanda's dating someone I
used to date. Should I tell her?
Yes.
I was hoping you'd go the other way...
Like Marco used to.
Listen, I may have a little
bit of a situation, too.
Whatever it is,
don't do something in the heat of
the moment that you'll regret forever.
That's all I do. Do you know me?
Are you okay?
I'm fine. No, I'm not.
So I was thinking about
how happy I am for Caroline,
so I went over to her place
and gave her a wedding gift.
Oh, that's sweet. What'd you give her?
An orgasm.
What?
We had sex.
Y...
yes, I know what an orgasm is!
I just didn't know that
you could register for one.
Oh! Ugh!
Oh my God, what is going on with me?
I mean, since I broke up
with Caroline, there's been
Jilly, Lauren, Shauna,
almost Shauna's daughter,
and now back to Caroline.
You lapped yourself.
I know.
High school Josh would have been stoked
to be in this position, but this is not me.
You know what?
I am not sleeping with any more women
until I figure out what is going on.
Listen,
you're not the only one who's
been messing up recently.
I, uh, (Clears throat)
I accidentally set
Sofia up with a sandwich.
I see what you're doing, Gabi.
You're making up something
more idiotic than what I did
to help me feel better
about myself. Thank you.
Yeah, that's what I'm doing.
Yolanda!
I have to tell you something!
Well, tell me while I vacuum,
I have to hurry for my date with Marco!
About that,
I used to date him!
(Shouting) What?
I used to date Marco!
What the hell you talkin' about?
Marco likes women.
Now.
I don't believe you.
Shark tattoo right between the...
Oh my damn!
I'm sorry.
Marco must have been experimenting,
and I was his laboratory.
I can't believe I'm saying this,
but I don't want you to get hurt.
'Cause even though Marco went straight,
he still might fluctuate.
Oh, that is so sweet, Elliot.
But let's be real.
He went "gaysian," then
changed his persuasion.
Oh, hey, I had a thought about Ruben.
Oh, you noticed he chews weird,
and you kicked him to the curb?
He chews perfectly.
Finally!
Hey, listen, the point is
uh, you got your groove back.
You know, so now you can get out there
and you can date other people, not Ruben.
Are you crazy?
I finally meet a guy I like,
that's why I'm breaking the
seven-date rule on having sex tonight.
No! No, no, no. Don't.
Put that away!
The rule is very clear, okay?
Booty's gotta wait until
you find things you hate.
Okay, what is going on?
Because a couple of days ago,
you couldn't wait for me to meet someone.
And now you want me to dump him?
Okay, sit down.
There's something about
Ruben you should know.
Okay, well tell me.
Because I think he's the perfect man.
Not so much of a man...
As a manwich.
What?
(Sighs) Ruben...
Is a sandwich.
Yes, Gabi. Haha!
I'm sure he's never heard that one before.
No, no, no. No! Listen, my point is
Ruben is a sandwich,
a professional sandwich.
Ruben is Sammy the sammich.
Hold on.
You mean, the one that
stands outside the...
- Uh-huh. Yeah.
- With the...
- Who does the...
- Yeah.
- What the...
- Go!
I don't understand. Why can't
you just break up with him
over text like all the other ones?
Because he lied to me.
I almost had a one-night "standwich."
Here he is.
Hey!
Why didn't you tell me?
I mean, we-we stayed up all night talking.
We shared intimate details of our lives.
I know your favorite sandwich!
But you forgot to mention that you are one!
- (Gasps) Hey!
- Gabi: Hey, hey!
Don't push me!
Nobody shoves my best friend.
Come here! (Grunting)
(Grunts)
- (Gabi groans)
- (Sofia screams)
You got to apologize!
(Gabi and Sofia gasp)
You're not Ruben.
You're damn right I'm not.
(Gasps)
Uh, five second rule. I'm so sorry!
(Gabi and Sofia grunting)
I'm so sorry.
Sofia? What are you doing here?
Oh my God. The gloves.
You are a sandwich!
I was gonna tell you,
but Gabi made me swear not to.
What?
All right, you can't pin this all on me.
This never would have happened if you
didn't lie to me on your HeyCupid profile.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back it up, sista.
Profile?
I thought you said he
was a friend of Cooper's.
Uh...
Okay. Listen, I'm-I'm just
gonna come clean. Okay?
Cooper went on HeyCupid...
- Gabi.
- I'm sorry.
I set you up with a fake dating profile,
'cause I wanted you to
find the perfect guy.
Oh my God.
You know, this is too much...
Even for you.
You're lucky this doesn't
have a middle finger!
(Gasps)
Everyone's talking about this place.
(Both chuckle)
And the food looks good.
Oh, the porterhouse steak sounds awesome.
Oh, but the Chinese
chicken salad looks delish!
So you can go either way, huh?
I sure can.
I think I'll have the salad.
I love an Asian dressing.
(Giggles)
And undressing.
(Forced chuckle)
Bop, bop, bop.
(Marco's voice) Let's hurry and order.
The sooner we eat,
the sooner we can burn off these calories.
Oh, hell no, Elliot!
Elliot?
Oh.
I see what this is about.
He told you we used to date
and it freaks you out
that I've been with men.
Oh, no, no.
I-I'm cool with that. I mean,
whatever floats your boat.
But Elliot?
Let's leave the past in the past.
Tonight is just you and me.
(Giggles) Oh, you're right.
I'm being silly.
Mmm.
Ah!
I can't.
I'm sorry, Elliot... I mean, Marco...
El Marco. Bye!
This whole Caroline thing just
really screwed with my head.
I need to work out some frustration.
Couldn't you just drink, like my dad?
I mean, it was so stupid.
I don't even have feelings for her anymore.
It meant nothing.
Ouch!
Yeah, I know. It sounds
harsh, but it's true.
She was never right for me.
None of these girls were.
Why do I keep hooking
up with all these women?
(Panting) Okay, you need to stop.
I wish I could, Elliot. I wish I could.
(Groans) It hurts!
You're damn right, it does, but maybe
I bury this pain by sleeping around.
Why are you doing this?
Maybe because I want that feeling, Elliot.
The feeling you get when
you're excited about somebody,
when you can't get enough of them.
When all you do is think about them...
The way I feel about Gabi.
- Gabi?
- Oof!
Oh my God, that's it.
I still have feelings for Gabi.
(Sighs)
Now what?
Call 911.
Even though I am eating
this sundae you made
to buy back my friendship,
it does not mean that I have forgiven you.
Sofia, I noticed that you are
picking out and not eating the almonds.
(Clears throat) Let me
stop you right there.
I know what you're doing.
You put almonds in my sundae,
knowing that I do not like them,
because even though the
sundae's not perfect,
I'll love it anyway.
Oh, did you pick up on that?
And it's not gonna work
because a sundae isn't a person,
unless you're planning to set me up
with a person who dresses like a sundae.
Let me ask you something.
Who's the biggest disaster
you've ever met in your whole life?
You.
Okay, first off, you
answered that too fast.
And second,
despite what happened today,
do you love me?
(Sighs) Of course I do.
Well, then why is it you
can accept all of my flaws
and still love me, but you can't
do that with the guys that you date?
I don't know.
It's j... it's just different with guys.
Oh, is it?
Yes, I mean, they're...
They're like...
They do... (Sighs)
Wow, that's a really good point.
Well, let me ask you another question.
Would you still love
me if I was a sandwich?
Oh my God.
My plan has worked.
Ruben!
Oh!
I am... I am so, so sorry!
I really like you,
and I don't care if you're a sandwich.
We just won't tell my parents.
Oh, please tell me I have the right one.
Yeah, you do.
Thank God!
Marco, I had a feeling you'd call.
I just wanted to make up
for the Madonna concert.
Papa don't mean to preach,
but I have a boyfriend.
I just thought that since you're here,
you and your boyfriend aren't exclusive.
It's just a drink.
Yeah, that's what you
said the night we met.
(Marco's voice) Look me in the eye
and tell me that you're
not attracted to me, baby.
That you don't want a big slice of this.
Ah!
Sorry, I can't do this!
Marco... Yolanda... Malanda.
Bye!