Young & Hungry (2014–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Young & Old - full transcript

Oh, sorry. I'll make some
more coffee right now.

No worries. I'll do it.

'Cause you don't want my
grubby peasant hands on it?

No, silly Billy.

I can do it myself. Boop.

Okay, I'm still in bed dreaming,
and I'm gonna be late for work.

(Laughs)

Elliot, you're in a pretty good mood,

considering your big 4-0 is tomorrow.

I thought you might be freaking out.

More like getting my freak on.

With Andre.

This is the first time I've ever
had a boyfriend on my birthday.

39 years of sorrow,

and I finally get to celebrate my birthday

in my birthday suit.

Oh my God, I love Elliot with a boyfriend.

When he's happy, I'm happy.

And maybe we'll even be
friends, which would be great,

because friends don't tell friends

they look like dime store hookers.

Friends say, "Hey, you
look cute in that dress."

Hey, cute dress.

Okay, that's it. We've got
to keep this love train going.

I'm calling Andre. Elliot's about to have

the most romantic birthday dinner ever.

That's a pretty good idea.

Too bad it's not gonna top my present.

Because I make the most money here,

and I was called a creative
genius by a top publication.

Oh, was it bragging monthly?

What's that? You want to see
what it is? Okay, I'll get it.

Hi, can I speak to Andre
of flowers by Andre?

Hey, Andre, it's Gabi.

Yes, the annoying blonde cook.

Listen, I'm surprising
Elliot for his 40th birthday

with a romantic dinner, and
obviously I want you to be his date.

Okay, great. Check your
schedule, get back to me.

What?

- Schwah!
- (Gasps)

Oh my God.

- Elliot and Andre. That's so cute.
- Yep

I bet this makes you feel
pretty lousy about your gift.

Elliot: Oh my God!

Andre just found out I'm turning 40
instead of 32 and broke up with me.

Both: What?

This is officially the worst birthday ever!

Oh my God!

(Theme music playing)

♪ She in the spotlight ♪

♪ And she turn her head ♪

♪ She run a red light ♪

♪ 'Cause she bad like that ♪

♪ I like that, "ooh, baby,
ooh, baby, baby" ♪

♪ I like that, "ooh,
baby, ooh, baby" ♪

Don't worry, Elliot.

Andre's not the last guy you'll ever date.

Yeah.

I'm sure you'll get dumped by tons of guys.

I've only ever loved three men in my life.

Andre, my college crush Alan,

and Adam Levine.

And I know it sounds crazy,

but Andre's the only one who loved me back.

(Phone chirps)

Hey...

I know this might not be the
best time to bring this up,

but the guys from Wired are coming
to photograph my desk tomorrow

for the desk for success column.

Are we ready?

- No.
- So...

And I mean this in the nicest possible way,

when do you think we'll be ready?

How about when someone loves me again?

So never!

Good morning, beautiful people!

(Clears throat loudly)

I said what a good morning it is.

Andre broke up with Elliot
because he's turning 40.

Out of all the reasons,
that's what he picked?

Oh, I'm sorry, baby.

You want to hear a story
about somebody else's pain?

That always cheers you up.

My ex-husband Coleman,

who dumped me for a younger woman,

just got dumped by a younger woman...

At the altar. Uh!

At least he got to the altar.

How did Andre find out my real age anyway?

The only people who knew were you three.

Which one of you told him?

Not me.

I thought you were 50.

I am so sorry. It was me.

Oh my God, it was you!

Listen, Elliot, I'm really sorry.

I was just trying to do
something nice for you.

It was gonna be a surprise.
We were gonna be friends.

Well, you ruined that, didn't you?

I will never forgive you, Gabi Diamond!

He just needs some time.

Elliot: Never!

How you doin'?

My life's over.

You don't understand.

40 is 80 in gay years.

Please. I don't understand?

Men my age want women in their 20s.

Which means the only man I can get

is 120.

Great. I'm in the same

fat, old boat as you.

That's right.

You know what I do when I'm feeling old?

I get my lashes done,
I freshen up the weave,

I buy new lipstick...

I'm gay, but not that gay.

Oh, I just got an idea.

You know my ex Coleman

is the top plastic surgeon in the city.

You think I need plastic surgery?

I could pass for 32.

And I could pass for Taylor Swift.

Let's see.

Over here...

(Gasps) I'm beautiful.

(Gasps) Okay.

I'm gonna call Coleman right now.

Yes. Wait, no.

I can't make you deal
with that cheater for me.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

I'll take you myself.

- I want you to be happy.
- Since when?

Since it's your birthday.

And since Coleman got dumped,
you want to rub it in his face?

Isn't that how you teach a dog a lesson?

Okay, I think I've figured out a way...

To help me?

Last month, Wired featured
Elon Musk at his hover-desk.

Oh yeah! I saw that. That was really cool!

I'm not helping, am I?

Look, I know this might not
seem like a big deal to you,

but everybody in my
business reads this column.

Venture capitalists, potential clients,

- software developers...
- So you want to seem cool?

- Yes!
- Don't worry, okay?

You're gonna have him back
in time for your shoot.

I figured out the perfect "I'm sorry
I ruined your birthday" present.

His parents know he's 40, right?

- Why wouldn't they?
- So here's my plan.

Since Elliot rarely gets a
chance to see his parents,

I'm inviting them to a
five-course Korean dinner.

He'll love that. Here, let's call them now.

Okay.

Hi, Mr. Park? It's Gabi
Diamond. I work with Elliot.

Yes, the annoying blonde cook.

So anyway, Elliot's
boyfriend broke up with him

and I don't want him to
be alone on his big day,

so I was wondering if
maybe you could fly in

for a birthday dinner tomorrow night.

Okay, great. Check with
Mrs. Park. Call me back.

So, where are you planning
on having this dinner?

I thought you'd never ask. Your terrace.

No problem. And I want
to pay for the dinner.

Oh, but you're already
paying for their flights.

Elliot: Oh my God!

Someone just outed me to my parents!

Wait.

Your parents didn't know you were gay?

No. They're super traditional.

They don't even like sex with each other.

- How the hell did they find out?
- Gabi did it.

- I need him. He's the desk whisperer.
- You know what, Josh?

I just thought of the
perfect birthday gift.

Tell that dime store hooker
to get out of my face.

- Okay, can I just...
- Gabi, home.

Bye.

And that cute dress? I lied!

Oh. You're home early.

What'd you do?

I caused Elliot's boyfriend
to break up with him,

and then I outed him to his parents,

and if I keep talking like
this, everything sounds great!

- Holy crap.
- Yeah.

Oh yeah. And did I mention
it's his birthday tomorrow?

Oh... wait. So, Josh fired you?

No, Sofia, Josh didn't fire me.

We just have a mutual agreement that
things are better when I'm not around.

How do I fix this?

Um, okay, well, you
destroyed his relationship,

you told his parents he was gay.

W-when do you find time to cook?

Hey, I know. I'll just
find Elliot a new boyfriend.

He said he's only loved
three men in his entire life.

Andre, Adam Levine,

and some guy named Alan from college.

That's great. So we find Alan from college.

I was gonna say that!

If you don't let me get
there, I'm never gonna learn.

Okay, all right.

- I'm on Elliot's Facebook page.
- Okay.

(Gaps) There's only two Alans.

Alan Thicke and Alan Lowenstein.

I know. It's Alan Lowenstein

because he went to Berkeley and that
is also where Elliot went to college.

Yes, that's the only
reason we know which Alan.

Well, today is officially your birthday.

Happy Birthday. See?

It's my face instead of Andre's.

It represents our friendship...

boss, publicist.

Always there for each other.

Stop. I've decided not
to celebrate my birthday.

Aw.

I get it, big guy.

You want to focus on the
photo shoot with Wired.

Josh, I'm gonna be able to focus better

after my cosmetic surgery consultation.

What?

Elliot, you don't need plastic surgery.

We'll let Dr. James decide that.

Yolanda's ex-husband?

Yes, she got me an appointment.

- She's taking me right now.
- Oh!

She wants to see him because
she heard he's single.

No, she doesn't like him.

She just wants to rub
the breakup in his face.

I don't think that's what
she wants to rub in his face.

- You ready?
- Look, I see what's going on here.

You're using Elliot as
an excuse to see Coleman.

Oh, please. Look at his saggy face.

He looks like a rescue pug.

That's never gonna get rescued.

Yolanda.

You worked day and night

for years to put Coleman
through medical school.

The minute he became a doctor,

he ran off with his assistant.

And now it is payback time.

He is single and vulnerable.

I am gonna turn on the charm,

and get him to take me out,

and right when I got him
wrapped around my finger,

I'm gonna dump his sorry
ass like he dumped mine.

Ha ha.

I can't believe I found you,
Alan. Elliot's gonna be so excited.

You think he's gonna be excited.

I've had a crush on him
since freshman orientation.

In fact, that's the way I
discovered my orientation.

That's funny. You're funny.

Funny? That's what people
say when someone's not cute.

Oh God, I'm so nervous
I'm schvitzing up a storm.

I don't know what schvitzing is,
but I can't tell you're doing it.

Don't worry. You're gonna be fine.

- How lucky is it that you're single?
- Yeah.

I'm like a lotto winner.

I can't believe Elliot's still single.

He's such a catch.

Elliot... Park?

You know, I wish you would've
given me a few weeks' notice.

I would've lost five pounds.

Eh, who am I kidding?

(Dings)

Shh.

Oh, I get it. You want to surprise him.

Surprise him by doing something right.

Wait here.

Gabi.

(Gasps loudly)

Elliot cannot come home and find you here.

Oh good. He's gone.
Listen, I have another plan.

I think you're using the word "plan" wrong.

This one's a winner. Okay, meet...

Alan Lowenstein, Elliot's
long lost college love.

He knows his real age, knows he's gay,

and he's still single.

Why do you keep saying that?

And you're not allergic to any medications?

If I am, I don't care.

Dope me up, peel this off,

and slap a new face on me.

Just thought I'd poke my head in
and say a quick hey to Coleman.

Yolanda, you didn't
tell me you were coming.

Quick, go check the tires on my Porsche.

(Both laugh)

(Softly) No, seriously, go check.

Wow, look at you.

If I didn't know better, I would think
you went to one of my competitors.

- Oh, stop.
- Yeah, stop.

Because if you think she
looks good, I'm out of here.

Sorry. I just got a little distracted

by those big beautiful...

Eyes.

You always did get lost in my... eyes.

We get it. You're
talking about her boobies.

It's like taking candy from a baby.

So, Elliot, I think the first thing to do

is a subtle facelift.

The hell with subtle.

I want to get pulled so tight
I look like I'm sky-diving.

So, how you been, Yo-Yo?

Oh, can't complain, Co-Co.

I was so sorry to hear about your breakup.

If Yo-Yo and Co-Co
are done flirting,

El-El wants to look like
the Korean Matt Damon.

Man, I wish I didn't have
another patient after this.

Why? Do I need that much work?

I'd like to take you to dinner tonight.

- That would be fine.
- Excellent.

This is gonna be fun.

Oh, you have no idea.

Hey, here's an idea.

Quit kissing her ass
and start lifting mine.

Okay, that was the doorman.

Elliot's on his way up right now.

How do I look?

One button unbuttoned? Or two? Or three?

Who am I? Usher? I'll do one.

You look adorable, Alan Lowenstein.

Now you sit right there, and I'm
gonna go meet him in the hall.

(Quietly) Okay.

(Dings)

I did not invite you to my birthday.

But you will invite me to your "wedding."

I have a birthday surprise for you.

What'd you do this time, kill my cat?

No. Do you remember
your college crush Alan?

- Well, he's here.
- What?

Yeah, you heard me, birthday boy.

He's sitting on the other
side of that door right now,

and he's so excited to see you.

- Seriously?
- Mm-hmm.

- Seriously?
- Yeah.

How did you find Alan O'Shay?

O'Shay?

Oh,...

Gabi, move. I want to see Alan.

No.

You don't want to seem too eager.

But that's my signature move.

What if your new signature move

is being fashionably late?

Ooh, what about that? Okay, bye. Wait here!

Is he here?

Uh, not quite yet.

Bad news, Alan. Elliot's sick.

And I would hate for you to get it.

Well, I don't want it.
I am very susceptible.

Yeah, uh-huh. That's what I thought.

So come on, let's go this
way. Go that way, go that way.

Elliot Park?

Alan Lowenstein?

- Surprise.
- Yes.

What a surprise.

All right. What's happening here?

It feels like when I was
the only boy in Hebrew school

not invited to Jenny
Schneider's bat mitzvah.

Whatever. Bitch got fat.

Um...

Listen, Alan, I made a horrible mistake.

You're the wrong Alan.

She thought you were Alan O'Shay.

Alan O'Shay?

Oh, I wish.

Well... Hey, looks like
you both love the same Alan.

Why don't you talk about him over the
magnificent dinner that I made you?

So, I'm not even supposed to be here.

Ah, this is so embarrassing.

- I should go.
- No, don't.

She's the one who screwed
this up. She should go.

You stay.

Otherwise I'm just gonna shame-eat
all this in the bathtub later.

Elliot park in the bathtub?

Oy, I need a Popsicle.

(Dings)

Oh, such a gentleman.

You didn't have to walk me
all the way back to Josh's.

But I'm glad you did.

Well I wanted to tell
Elliot I could squeeze him in

for surgery appointment next week.

That's the only reason?

No.

I never knew what I had when I had it.

Now that I do, I miss it.

Oh.

You're talking about me, right?

Damn right.

So?

How are Alan and Elliot doing?

Oh well, let's just say I'm
opening another bottle of wine.

So it's going well.

Oh, I have no idea. This is for me.

(Both chuckle)

There's the happy couple.

Almost too happy.

Look, there's Elliot. Why don't you go

tell him the good news about your schedule.

You see his face, Josh?

You mean that same stupid
grin I see on yours?

Oh, I got this. It's
all part of an act, baby.

Next up, he's gonna
walk me to the elevator.

I'm gonna give him the kiss of a lifetime.

Then I'm gonna say, "Hold up, Coleman.

"I have something to say to you.

Payback's a bitch named Yolanda!"

You'll just need to
get your bloodwork done,

but you should be all set for next week.

Thanks for squeezing me in.

And thanks for the friends
and family discount.

Wait. We didn't say anything about...

Oh, bye bye!

- What?
- I don't want to say anything.

But I will.

I can't believe you're
getting plastic surgery.

Why do you want to mess with perfection?

It's like those people who
make the gluten-free bagels.

What?

Your face is so handsome and youthful.

Those thick luscious eyebrows.

They're like two magnificent caterpillars

who said, "To hell with
becoming butterflies."

If I didn't know we were the same age,

I'd swear you weren't a day over 32.

You know,

Gabi inviting you here tonight

might have been the best
mistake she's ever made.

To mistakes.

(Both chuckle)

Yolanda...

Today was amazing.

Just like old times.

Better. You paid.

You know, if I don't push that button,

I will never leave.

So push it.

Hold it.

Coleman, I have something to say to you.

What's that?

Are you free Friday night?

I know this day was a disaster,

but everybody deserves
a cake on their birthday.

It's a tiered strawberry shortcake

with Tahitian-vanilla whipped
cream and fresh berries.

Ooh, he is gonna love
throwing that in your face.

I'll hold off on lighting the candles.

So?

Did you get your revenge?

Oh, I made out like a bandit.

Elliot, unlike your life,

your cake is one thing I'd never screw up.

- Sing...
- Hold on.

I'd like to say something first.

Uh-oh.

- This birthday has sucked.
- That was me. I did that.

But there's been one bright spot and
that's been reconnecting with Alan.

That was me. I did that.

This sweet, funny, adorable man

made me realize I don't
need plastic surgery.

I think 40 could be my best year yet.

Both: Aww.

Wait. How can you be 40 if I'm 42?

Shh!

How's it going?

He says it's going to be
one of the best ones yet.

The tech guy who still writes out
his ideas on butcher block paper.

I'm not just cool. I'm retro cool.

Thank you, Elliot.

Thank you for putting up
with me the last few days.

All done here.

And can I just say, I love the painting.

Now I know what to get my
husband for his birthday.

I'm so thrilled we are finally
dong a "gay desk for success".

Well at least my parents will
be happy I married a millionaire.

Sir...