Young & Hungry (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Young & Punchy - full transcript

Young & Punchy
Young & Hungry (720p) S01E06 [KoTuWa]

Hey!

You know john
from my office?

The guy who built
his own motorcycle?

Oh, yeah.
Is he out of the hospital yet?

No. No.

But his husband is the manager
of the petting zoo

And he offered us a job.

Okay, "a," I have a job.

And "b," I'm allergic
to goats.

So I'm gonna have
to say, "nay-y-y."

Well, "a," that's the sound
a horse makes.

And "b," the petting zoo
is a cool new bar

And they need shot girls
for Saturday nights.

So all we have to do
is wear cute outfits

And get guys to drink.

Like we do
on weekends anyway,

But now we'll
get paid!

I don't know.
It sounds kind of sexist.

I mean, why don't you just
throw us back to the '50s

Where women were stuck
in the kitchen

Slaving away
for their men.

- ( bell dings )
- ooh, josh's apple pie is done.

So you're saying
you don't want to do it?

No, I told you
it's degrading.

Pay is 500 bucks each.

Saturday, you say?

Look at this one.

It's black and huge.

Wow, where would you
even put something so big?

Oh.
( chuckles )

I'd make room
for that.

Guys, put the bathtub
catalog down.

I've already picked out
the tub for upstairs

And before you ask,

It's a surprise for caroline,
she's gonna be the first one
to use it.

Don't worry, yolanda.
You'll be the first one
to clean it.

All right, elliot,
what's our game plan
for cooper finley?

Oh, what's a cooper finley?

Is it a car?
Can I have one?

'cause mine's
mostly duct tape.

Cooper finley is a hacker

That broke into josh's
new app and forced it offline

For two days.

But that's because my neighbors
changed their wi-fi password.

What are you
gonna do to him?

He left me no choice,
I'm gonna hire him.

( gasps )

Oh, yeah,
that'll show him.

Force him to work
with elliot every day.

This kid is brilliant.

He's only 23 years old
and he created this fuzzy
logic data patch

That I could develop
into software technology

To piggyback off other signals
creating connections 10 times
more stable.

I made you a pie.

I have to act fast.
In six months,

Yahoo and facebook will be
all over this kid.

So how do I impress
a maverick hacker?

Well, just spitballing here,

But I'm thinking
white limousine,

Bottle of bubbly,
smooth jazz...

A single red rose
falls from the moonroof.

Yeah, I'm trying to sign him
not take him to prom.

If you want my two cents,

Which is all I have
in my bank account,

I'm thinking
girls, booze...

And?

Oh, that's it.
Girls and booze.

Hey, why don't you guys
take him to the petting zoo?

It's this hot new bar
sofia and I are working
on Saturday.

Since when do you
work at a bar?

Since I found out
parking tickets

Triple when you
don't pay them.

Come, I'll get you guys
on the v.I.P. List.

Oh, please.

You think a 23-year-old
computer genius

Is gonna work for you
because some half-naked girls

Shake their boobies
in his face?

Saturday, you say?

( theme music playing )

( dance music playing )

See?
This isn't demeaning.

Here's 50 bucks,
keep 'em coming.

( gasps )
more like de-mazing.

Pretty cool place, huh?

It was not easy
getting us on the list.

Really? Why?

All you have to do
is bypass their firewall,

Hack their server,
and put your name

In the employee database.

How'd you do it?

I asked a girl I know.

Hey, gabi.

Did someone koala my name?

Gabi, this is cooper.
Cooper, gabi.

- She works for me.
- Hi.

You have your own
shot girl?

Wow, you are rich.

And you could be too.

How'd you like to come
work for me?

What?
Are you offering me a job?

Yeah, he thinks
you're highly koala-fied.

- ( laughing )
- stop doing that.

- You're funny.
- Keep doing that.

Who wants some
al-koala-hol?

What are you doing in there?

Hey.

Oh, the piggy's on a break.

He went, "wee wee wee"
all the way to the bathroom.

So, coop, are you gonna
come work for me, or what?

Normally I'd say I'd never
go mainstream

And work for a rich,
corporate sellout.

But now I'm saying,

Hell to the yizz-ee.

Yes!

Aw, let's capture
this moment.

Oh, shoot, it's doing
that thing again.

Gabs, I told you to take it
to the genius bar.

Well, lucky for you,
we're in a bar

And I'm a genius.

Well, maybe there's
nothing you can do,

But we both know that your code
isn't exactly elegant.

My code is so elegant,
it summers in the south
of France.

Oh, is that the new vacation
spot for sub-standard
programming?

- All fixed.
- ( gasps )

Wow, josh, look.
Cooper fixed my phone

And he set my home screen
to a koala.

Sub-standard?

That's funny, "wired"
didn't mention that

When they did
a cover story on me.

Oh, "wired"...

That cutting-edge magazine

That still prints
their copies on paper.

Oh!

- Shoot.
- I am so sorry.

My hand-eye coordination
is severely compromised.

But your hand-boob
coordination is dead on.

Take it easy, dad.

I'm just trying
to help her.

All right, coop,
come on, back off.

No, what's your problem.

Hey, hands off.

Hands off me.

Oh, my god.

Cooper, are you okay?

I'm fine.

How do you feel?

You just hit a smaller guy
with glasses.

And anemia.

- ( pounding )
- ( groans )

I'm so hungover
I hear pounding.

Relax, baby,
we all hear it.

It's the man
working on your tub.

Oh.

Hey, thanks
for the iced tea.

It's not for you.

I'm working on the man
working on your tub.

( clears throat )

I made you my patented
hangover helper.

Ugh, just looking at it
makes me sick.

Good, I'm starving.

So in regards
to what happened last night,

Gabi made these cute "star wars"
apology treats for cooper.

Just something for him
to chewbacca on.

All you have to do
is sign this card,

And we can send it
right over.

"may the force
and my apology be with you."

I'm not signing this.

He was acting like a douche.

A douchey genius.

Look, I don't care
how much money's at stake.

A billion dollars!

- Isn't gabi's
honor worth--
- nothing!

I can't believe josh.

Throwing a huge
business deal over nothing.

I could really use
a soak.

Josh was very clear,
no one is to use this tub

Until caroline gets back.

Now let's get out of here
before one of us

Does something stupid.

You first.

No, you.

Cooper, it's gabi.

Making a house koala.
( giggles )

- Hi.
- Hi.

How's your chin?

I don't know,
I don't have health insurance.

But web m.D. Says
I might have lyme disease.

What are you
doing here?

Oh, I'm delivering
these marshmallow treats

He had me shape them
into little r2-d2s

To say he's sorry
for empire striking you.

( chuckles )
back.

They look great.

I can't wait to be able
to chew them.

- Wanna come in?
- Sure.

Sorry it's such a mess.

Listen, josh wants
to apologize

For that whole fist bump
to the face thing

And have you over
for dinner tonight.

Seriously?

Why, does it sound made up?
'cause it's not.

Actually, I'm the one
that needs to apologize to you.

I remember spilling something
and trying to clean it up

And touching a part of you.

Yeah, actually two parts.

I'm really sorry.

And I was thinking
about it last night.

I wanted to
make it up to you,

And so I bought
you something.

Oh, you didn't have
to get me anything.

I got you
a domain name.

"bon gabetit."

You're gonna need a website
when you're a famous chef
someday.

Oh, my god, I have always
wanted my own dot com.

That's so--

Wow, nobody has ever done
anything like that for me.

Listen, uh, cooper.

You and I are really
not that different.

Well, that's true.

We are both
carbon-based life-forms.

( laughs )

Okay, maybe
a little different.

But you know, we're both
living our dream.

I wanna be
the next julia child

And, uh...
You wanna be the next...

Computer visionary,
jean bartik.

- Yeah, him.
- Her.

Her.

The only difference is,
I'm already living my dream.

I'm working for this great guy
who believes in me

And the same guy
believes in you too.

So come over for dinner tonight
and let him apologize.

'cause, cooper,

I mean this
in the nicest way,

But what else you got
going on tonight?

- Good point.
- Yeah.

Oh, look who's
finally up.

You must be
feeling better.

I can't wait to eat.

I'm actually excited
to hold food down.

Good, because we're
having company.

- We are?
- ( doorbell rings )

Yes, and now would be
a great time

To tell you that it's cooper.
Don't get mad.

He's here to apologize
for what happened
the other night

And I'm sure you have
a lot of questions,

But they can all
be answered by... Cooper!

Hey, gabi.

Josh.

I just want to say
I think it's very big of you

To invite me over here
in person to apologize.

Uh, I didn't invite
you over here.

Who's hungry?

You're not gonna
apologize to me?

Are you out of your mind?

Probably.

Due to the brain damage

From when you punched
me in the face.

Hey! Hey hey hey.

Everyone's gonna feel
a lot better

When they eat
my delicious nachos!

Ta-da!

Nachos.

This whole thing
was a setup?

( sighs )

Gabi, did you actually think
you can trick him

Into coming over here,
not tell me,

And that everything would
be okay because you made...

Nachos?!

A little bit.

Guys, just apologize, okay?

It's not that hard.

Watch.

Cooper, I'm sorry
I tricked you

Into coming
to dinner.

Josh, I'm sorry I dented
your hybrid corvette.

You what?!

Let's just stay on track.

Cooper, you got drunk
and you touched some stuff.

Josh, you got drunk
and you punched some stuff.

Look, josh, I don't
remember what was said,

But obviously it was bad enough
for you to punch me.

So for that,
I'm sorry.

That'll do.
Josh?

Apology accepted.

I'm sorry I punched
the glasses off your face.

Good enough.

Okay, now for the good part--
nachos.

So, josh,
I was wondering

Is that job offer
still on the table?

Well...

My gut told me to hire you
in the first place

And I always go with it,
so the offer stands.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Yes!

Oh, my god.
My nachos are magic.

Thanks for going
with your gut, man.

Hey, man,
you gotta listen to it.

It will never
steer you wrong.

Well, I'm gonna take
your advice on that one, boss.

Gabi, will you
go out with me?

( scoffs )

Wow, uh...

Cooper, you're super cute
and sweet,

But I'm kind of
on the spot here.

( chuckles )

Let me help
everybody out here.

And I think what
she's trying to say is

- No.
- Yes.

- What?
- What?

On the terrace,
just for a minute?

Sure.

Okay.

Why did you say
I couldn't go out with him?

I'm about to get in bed
with him on a business deal.

If you actually get
into bed with him,

This could be
a disaster.

Why are you being
so negative?

Because I remember
this one time when
someone in this apartment

Slept with someone
she worked with in
this apartment,

And it was super awkward
and it was us.

Josh, that was
so last month.

Okay, what we had
was totally diff--

( knocking )

Can I get something
to drink?

Absolutely.

It's just
a first date, okay?

He's kinda cute
and kinda funny

Well, I'm kinda
putting my foot down.

Okay, I think you are
being a little un...

Here you go.

...Reasonable about this.

The answer is no.

Fine.

I mean not fine.

But you're my boss
and I have to respect that.

So I will not
go out with him.

Thank you.

Guys?

Really cold out here.

Who made up this rule
that you can't date

Anybody you work with?

Uh, thousands of companies
all across the country.

And how do you even know
you like cooper?

- You just met him.
- I know, it's so weird.

He was just this computer guy,

But then all of a sudden
he was sweet and thoughtful

And he bought me a domain.
And now I have

This little feeling
on the inside.

Well, let me
crush it for you.

100% of your relationships
have failed.

I know, and I just wanted
a chance to let this one
fail too.

Okay, you clearly need
to get this out of your system.

So...

I got it.

And instead of, like, being
all fake and charming

Like most couples are
at the beginning,

Tell each other
all your worst qualities.

( gasps )

Nothing kills
a relationship

Like honesty.

Oh, my god,
that's brilliant.

Once he gets to know
the real me,

He'll just go
running for the hills.

Just like all the others.

Nailed it.

Okay, so we're here tonight
to get to know each other

And find out that we
do not like each other.

Okay, I understand
quantum physics,

But this is confusing.

What if we do
like each other?

Oh, we won't.

But on the off chance
that we do.

We'll deal
with it later.

So let's get
this train wreck started.

I will tell you something about
myself that you're gonna hate.

Go for it.

Um, okay, I talk a lot.

I don't know,
it's sort of a nervous habit.

I've kind of done it
since I was a little girl.

I just kind of go on
and on and on--

No, I get it.

But I have to say
I think it's really cute.

No, no, you're not
supposed to like it.

Okay, well how about
I tell you something
horrible about me?

- Okay, bring it.
- I can't remember
the last time

I washed these jeans.
May never have.

I lick the powder off donuts
and put them back in the box.

I have a suit of armor.

I have a fake facebook account
where I'm a cat.

I think there's a 60% chance
that we're living in the matrix.

( chuckles )

Damn it, this is
going really great.

Um, okay, I gotta think
of something horrible.

I'm so irresponsible,
I forgot to pay my
electric bill.

Can I tell you something?

Now that I know all of these
horrible things about you,

I like you even more.

Crap.

Why are you reading
the owner's manual

For the new tub?

So I know how to clean...

A combination of
14 pulsating, rotating

And directional
adjustable jets.

Keep walking,
nothing to see here.

Mm-hmm.

( doorbell rings )

- Sure.
- I'm just about to go
on my morning run.

But I'll go get
your contract for you.

Wait wait, how--
how long you running for today?

Today I'm gonna try
for 10 miles.

H-h-how--
what's that in minutes?

Oh, about 90 minutes.

Damn, that's im--
that's impressive.

Hey, cooper, we should
probably talk...

- I know.
- ...About something.

Look, I really don't think
it's a good idea

For us to go out.

Oh, thank god.
I totally agree.

What?
I thought you liked me.

Like you?

I hacked into the power
company last night

And paid
your electric bill.

Yay.

But this job is
a huge opportunity

And I just don't
want to blow it.

( sighs )
I get it, absolutely.

It's the right thing
to do.

Yeah.

Friends?

Friends.

Josh:
Big mistake!

I totally forgot
your contract in my car.

I'll go get it
for you.

( door opens, shuts )

It's approximately
a two-minute elevator ride

From the penthouse
to the garage.

Why are you
telling me this?

Oh.

Elliot:
Josh, where are you?

Come on.

Josh?

Yolanda, are you
getting in that tub?

Josh, what are you
doing in your bathroom?

What are you doing
in my bathroom?

There is a real good reason
why I'm in here.

I was...

About to clean it
for caroline.

Why do you think it's filled
with scrubbing bubbles?

So why are you in a robe?

In case I fall in.

Think.

Well, I need you
downstairs.

Okay, fine.

I'll be down in 45.

Josh:
Now!

( sighs )

Okay, this is getting
too complicated.

There's only one thing
that we can do.

To keep dating
and not tell josh?

You are a genius.

Okay, josh,
have a safe trip.

I'm leaving now.

Bye-bye.

And hello.

Hey, josh.
Have a good flight.

I'm leaving now.

Night-night.

Bathtub app,
here we go.

Music... On.

Mood lighting... On.

Water... Hot.

Hot, hot!

( soft music playing )

( both screaming )

Yolanda, what are you
doing here?!

What do you think
I'm doing?!

Well, you have
to get out.

Hell no.

I was here first,
you get out.

Well, I'm not moving.

Neither am I.

Are these vanilla bath salts?

Vanilla peach.

Is that champagne?

To never telling anyone
about this.

Cheers to that.

Turn on the jets.

( jets whirring )