Young Sheldon (2017–…): Season 5, Episode 9 - Episode #5.9 - full transcript

Previously on
Young Sheldon...Billy!

Mr. Cooper is here.

How you doing?

Do not look under that rock.

But I appreciate you asking.

Hey, you got rejected.

But was it the end of the world?


And that is
extremely valuable information.

And honestly...

you dodged a bullet with Missy.

The girl is mean.


Come on, Missy!


Came to see your man be
a leader of little people, huh?

I came to see
my granddaughter pitch.

Yeah, under
my leadership.

All right, Cooper,
let's see what you got.

Come on, girl!

Come on, shake it off!

You got this.

What the hell was that?

Well, there's
some leadership.




Cooper, what is the problem?

The ball isn't going
where it's supposed to.

I saw that.

What am I doing wrong?

Just a little case of the yips.

It happens.
What's that?

The yips-- you know,
it's when you're thinking

about stuff in your head

and something you've
done a million times,

you can't do it anymore.
Even the pros get it.

How do I get rid of it?

Uh, just don't think about it.


Don't think, just throw.

I hate the little people.

♪ Nobody else
is stronger than I am ♪

♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain

♪ I bet I could be your hero

♪ I am a mighty little man

♪ I am a mighty little man.♪

Damn it!



Everything okay over there?

Oh, yeah.


Damn it!

Okay, give her a go.

You're a lifesaver.

It's a gift.

Can I offer you a beer
and some thank-you cobbler?

Weren't you
on your way somewhere?

Weight Watchers.

What do you say?

Eh, sure.

Do guys ever go to those
Weight Watchers meetings?

Yeah, but they're all fat.

Of all the tests
one takes in school,

my favorite was the midterm.

Finals weren't bad,

but they also meant
summer was approaching.

I don't believe in religion,
but sunshine,

picnics and pool parties

are proof hell exists.


Why are you trying to hit me?

I'm trying to hit the target.

It's over there.

I know, dingus.

I thought you were good at this.

I was.

Coach Dale says I have the yips.

It's not contagious, is it?

No, it happens in sports.

Suddenly you can't do a thing
that used to be easy.

It doesn't sound real.

Then why can't I pitch anymore?

Ooh, perhaps
it's the onset of puberty

and the hysterical mood swings
that go with it.

Dingus, house.

You're only proving my point.

What, Billy won an award?


Big whoop.

I guess it's something.

Well, he ain't
the sharpest pencil in the box,

but he's the sweetest kid
I know.

Well, Sheldon is
the sharpest pencil.

Sometimes I'd just like

to shove his head in that box.

Where's your trash?


But the basket's under the sink.

You know your faucet's leaking?

Yep, this whole place is
falling apart.


I'll come over another time,
and take care of it.

You know, you don't
have to do that.

One more?

I should get going.

Well, thanks again.

Want to buy a house?

where you been?

Ah, Brenda was having
car trouble.

Just giving her hand.
That's nice.

I'm sure it's hard
being by herself.


That whole house is
in need of repair.

I hope you offered
to help her out.

I did... she said no.

Well, that's
just her being proud.

Of course she wants your help.

I guess some time I'll pop over.


And when you go,
hitch up your pants.

There's a lot going on
when you squat.

All right.

You have 45 minutes to complete

the test,
eyes on your own paper and...

Yes, Sheldon, if you finish
early, you can take it again.



And I was off.

I flew through wave functions.

I dominated
harmonic oscillators.

The only challenging part
of this exam

was trying to balance
the desire to finish quickly

with the urge to stop and smell
my freshly sharpened pencil.


I was in the zone.

Only one question left.

All I needed to do

was solve Schrodinger's equation

in a cylindrical well
by employing the zeroes

of the Bessel function,
which of course were...

Wait, what are they?

Come on, you know this.

You've done it a million times.

Oh, dear.

All right, Sheldon,
time to turn in your test.

I'm not done yet.

I know you like to add

your own "better questions"
at the end,

but for the last time,
I don't count them.

I just need a few more
minutes on this problem.

That's an easy one.

Just apply the zeroes
of the Bessel function.

I know what I have to do.

Is this is a tantrum?

I've heard children your age
like to throw them.

I can't remember what the zeroes

of the Bessel function are.

You didn't memorize them?

Of course I did--
October 7, 1988.

I had just had
a bowl of Teddy Grahams.

Then what's the problem?

I'm blanking, but I'll get it.

Sorry, son, class is over.

No, I can do this.

It's just one question.
You'll still pass.

Sheldon Cooper doesn't
"just pass."

I have an idea.

Let me see the test.

Thank you.

Sheldon Cooper isn't always

that gullible.
He was today.

All right, almost there.

Hand me
a screwdriver.

Don't stick this
in an outlet.

It really tingles.

We had an incident.

You know what?

Why don't you fix it?

Yeah, you see

that little screw there?

Just go ahead
and tighten her up.

Like this?

What now?

Uh, run outside
and turn the water back on.

Here, I'm not allowed
to run with this.

We've had a lot of incidents.

Who knew you were so handy?

There's just things
guys need to be good at.

What else you good at?

I should go.

Hey, pretty lady.

Are you drinking already?

Can't a guy give
his wife a compliment?

Do I have to smell your breath?

How about a kiss instead?

What is with you?

Well, I don't know.

Kids aren't home.

Now? I'm doing laundry.

Laundry can wait.

So can your thing.

I like to think of it
as our thing,

but if you only have time
for my thing, that's fine, too.

You're being weird.

Weird sexy?


Headed to the bedroom?

Just checking.


You gave me your yips.


I froze on a test.
That's never happened before.

It's all your fault.

I told you it's not contagious.

You put the thought in my head.

The power of suggestion is
very real.

Case in point: tulip mania.

Here we go.
Tulip mania

was an insane desire
to buy and trade

tulip bulbs in the 1600s.

It nearly ruined
the Dutch economy.

You would not believe
the gilders they were spending.

How can you remember
this stupid information,

but not the stuff on your test?

You tell me, they're your yips.

Sheldon, if I knew
how to make it stop,

I would tell you.

You better.

Maybe it's puberty
making you all emotional.

I checked my armpits--
smooth as balloons.


What's your problem?

I don't want to talk about it.

I had a mental block

on a test
and it was something that

I absolutely know how to do.

Oh, you know, that sort of thing
happens in sports, too.

I know. It's called the yips,

and it's a very silly name

for a very serious problem.

Well, you know,
the best thing to do

is get out of your head.

How do I do that?

Just turn your brain off.

It's like I'm not even your son.


I know you don't respect
what I do as a coach.

Maybe you do know me.

But this is a thing
I actually know about.

I've seen it happen
to my players.

I've seen it happen
to pros in golf.

In baseball.

The answer is always the same.

Stop thinking and
get out of your own way.

I don't know how to do that.

Have you ever heard
the Nike slogan "Just do it"?

I'm familiar with the phrase
"let's do it,"

uttered by Gary Gilmore,
the last person

to be executed
by firing squad in America.

Okay, well, it's a shoe slogan.

And it's good advice.

The answer is already
in your head.

Don't think so hard.

Just do it.

I'll try.

Good man.

Another fun footwear slogan is
"I'm Buster Brown.

"I live in a shoe.
That's my dog Tige.

Look for him there, too."

Mm, I think mine is
more helpful.

Well, mine rhymes, so...

I decided to heed
my father's advice.

I wasn't sure
how to turn off my brain.

I lived with an expert.

What's up?

I've never really thought
about not thinking before.

Well, I'm asking you
to think about it.

But I thought you were
interested in not thinking.

I am. I want you
to think about not thinking,

and then teach me how to do it.

Do what?

Not think.

All right.

This is tough.

I'm good at not thinking,
but I don't think

I can teach you how to not think
without thinking.

Hmm, well, thank you for trying.

Hold on!
What if you're thinking

about something else instead?

Would that count as thinking
or not thinking?

I suppose
it's similar to the mantras

by the sages of the east.

It's a practice
that Swami Vivekananda

called Japa Yoga
and it's intended to bring out

a single-pointedness
of concentration.

Sorry, I zoned out.

Ooh, tell me how.Let's see.

You were blabbering.

It all started to blur together.

And I was gone.

At what point
did it start to happen?

I don't know.
Say it again.

I said I suppose

it's similar to the mantras

by the sages of the east.

It's a practice that Swami
Vivekananda called Japa Yoga...

That is wild.

The next day, armed
with the sage advice

of my father, my brother,

and an executed murderer, I was
allowed to retake the test.

You have 45 minutes
starting now.

Okay, just do it.

Just do it.

Just turn your brain off
and do it.

Is it off? Am I doing it?

Wait, if I'm thinking it's off,
then it must still be on.

I'm trying too hard.
Don't overthink, just do it.

Just do it, just--

Time's up.

But I didn't do it.

Waste my morning?

You did it.

That toilet won't stop running.

Have you tried
jiggling the handle?

I jiggled it, wiggled it.

Damn near had a baby with it.

Yeah, let me take a look.

I was fixing to put some dinner
on, if you care to join me.

I don't want to put you out.

It's just frozen lasagna.

But I'm going oven
instead of microwave,

'cause you're company.

What are you doing?

What do you mean?

You know what I mean.

I was just trying to thank you.

And you're the one
who offered

to come over here
and fix things.

I was being nice.

So was I.

Yeah, maybe a little too nice.

There is no pleasing you.

Well, I don't need this here.

I can get fighting at my house.

Then maybe you should go back

to your house.

Mom, can you help
with my homework?

There in a sec.

You leaving?

You gonna fix the toilet?

Then I guess I'm not leaving.

Thank you. Lasagna?

Small piece.
Mary's making tacos.


Trying to outsmart
my own thought patterns

proved to be challenging.

It's understandable,
as smart as I was,

I was also that smart.

I wondered if I could invent
a mind control device,

but that sounded
a little too "mwah-ha-ha"

even for me.
It turned out

the device I was looking for

had been in my presence
the entire time.

It had been tranquilizing

the minds of America's
youth for generations,

and it was just what I needed.

Lift off.

Too interesting.

Too violent.

I don't think so.

Now, then, let's build us
a little cloud.

Clouds are very free.

Very, very free.

Tell you what. If you...

That was so much fun,
let's get crazy...

Who's this bohemian?

If you could have

any job in the high school,
what would it be?

I don't know, why?

Sometimes I look
at the janitor

pushing around
that buffing machine.

That thing looks like a blast.

He doesn't wear a tie.

No fights
with the school board.

Vomit and feces aside,
he's, he's living the dream.

Hello? Am I boring you?


I'm a little distracted.

Trouble at home?

Something like that.

You want to talk about it?


Tell me about your
fun bachelor life.

Well, as of last week,
I officially

tasted every Campbell's soup.

Come on, Tom.

I'm trying to live
vicariously here.

There's got to be
something good.

Let's see, I go hunting and
fishing whenever I feel like it.

Now we're getting

Spend my money
on whatever I want.

What was the last
thing you got?

Foreman fight on pay-per-view.

I ate a bucket of chicken
and watched it in my underwear.

You lucky bastard.


What about women?


it's tough to meet people
at this age.

No, come on, charming
fella like you?

Sadly, this is
the best night out

I've had in a long time.

Yeah. Me, too.

But if you know anybody,
send them my way.

Yeah, I'll think about.

You ever eat chicken
in your underwear?

What do you think?


a gorgeous little mountain.


Little stand of evergreens
that lives right in here.

I didn't know
Richard Simmons can paint.

His name's Bob Ross.

And he's oddly hypnotic.

You're gonna paint?

No, I just like watching him.

I can't explain it,
but his voice

and demeanor are comforting,
like a hot beverage.

Let's get crazy and, once again,

just pull it out, just like
we did the other one.


Barely touch, whisper.

Just whisper light.

Let it go.

Let it go, no pressure.

The yips are a cruel mistress.

But thanks to a magical man
with a halo of curls,

I was finally able to relax
and get out of my own head.

Instead of freezing up,
I thought about happy integers.

Fluffy little formulas

and a sweet Bessel function
that just wants me

to do my very best.


Great, I can still make
my doubles match.

Get out.

Damn it.

Hold it.
Time, time, time.

I don't know
what I'm doing wrong.

Ah, don't worry about it.
It's not your fault.

It isn't?
No, I'm the one

that let a girl pitch.
It's my mistake.

What? I've won so many games.

Oh, that was then.

Why are you being so mean?

Well, why are you getting
so emotional, like women do?

Maybe you ought to be
a cheerleader.

You trying to make me mad?

Is it working?

Well, I tell you what,

picture my face
in the catcher's mitt.


Do I have to dumb it down
for you?

Just do what I tell you.


Aw, don't get all hysterical,
little girl!

You suck!

You suck!

No! You suck!


I am the leader
of the little people.