Young Sheldon (2017–…): Season 5, Episode 8 - The Grand Chancellor and a Den of Sin - full transcript
Previously, on
"Young Sheldon"...
A secret casino room?
The cops shut me down.
Let's get this going again.
How we doing?
There's a problem
with the cashbox.
Oh, what's that?
Can't get it to close.
That is my kind of problem.
Let's talk
about the glory of meetings.
What's not to love?
Agendas, detailed minutes,
and if you're lucky,
they begin and end
with the soothing sound
of discipline and rules.
Ah.
You can imagine my frustration
when I found out East Texas Tech
had faculty meetings that
I was not allowed to attend.
- Excuse me.
- Not that I didn't try.
- Goodbye, Sheldon.
- Darn it.
Sheldon, out.
Aw.
Sorry, I thought you were
an irritating young man
that won't leave me alone.
That's rude.
Out.
So, how was it?
Did any subcommittees
get formed?
No, Sheldon,
it was just a budget meeting.
Ooh, budgets, do tell.
Most of it was about reducing
the gen-ed science requirement
from eight credits to four.
But that's less science classes.
Who would want that?
Apparently the administration,
the students and their parents.
- Did anyone try to stop it?
- No.
- Did it spark a heated debate?
- Not really, no.
Were you at least annoyed?
- Do I sound annoyed?
- Yes.
- Well, there you go.
- Hmm.
♪ Nobody else is stronger than I am ♪
♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪
♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪
♪ I am a mighty little man ♪
♪ I am a mighty little man. ♪
♪YOUNG SHELDON♪
*YOUNG SHELDON*
Season 05 Episode 08
Episode Title: "The Grand Chancellor
and a Den of Sin"
I can't believe
the faculty is okay with this.
It just means students
who aren't science majors
need to take one class
instead of two.
But that's 50% less.
Sheldon, this doesn't
affect you.
Less science affects
all of society.
And in case you haven't noticed,
I'm good at making things
all about me.
Yes, I have picked up on that.
Sorry, there's nothing
I can do about it.
I understand.
You're just a cog in the machine.
In fact,
why am I talking to you?
Feel free to stop.
I thought you'd be at work.
I work nights
this week.
Oh, I didn't realize
the Laundromat was open late.
I did that.
People work during the day,
it seemed like an untapped market.
Smart. You know,
if you want to advertise
your new hours,
you could take out an ad
in the church bulletin.
That ain't a bad idea.
Maybe I'm where
you get it from.
Oh! It could say
something like,
"Jesus washes away
your sins,
and we'll wash away
your stains."
Wow!
You are really good at this.
And do you
really want to be the president
of a university
that is responsible
for the dumbing down
of scientific discourse
on this campus?
I totally agree with you.
You do?
Oh, it's an outrage.
I came here
to make this school
the Harvard of East Texas.
Not the...
Wh-What's
your least favorite school?
MIT.
Not the MIT of East Texas.
Nice dig at MIT.
Well, they deserve it.
So, you're gonna keep
the science requirements the same?
If it were up to me, yes.
But you're the president.
Everyone has a boss, Sheldon.
Now, unfortunately,
I have to answer to the...
grand chancellor.
Oh. I've never heard of him.
Oh, well,
he definitely exists.
Perhaps I should speak
with him.
I appreciate that,
but this is my fight...
Win or lose...
And I'll probably lose,
but I am gonna go down swinging,
I promise you that.
Can I help?
Absolutely.
I need you to put together
a report backing up
our position.
Charts, graphs...
The whole shebang.
Hmm.
Charts and graphs of what?
Am I helping you
or are you helping me?
Uh, of course.
I'll figure it out.
I know you will.
Okay, now,
get out of here.
You have a lot of work to do.
Yes, ma'am.
Kid makes me thirsty.
Maybe we take a little break
and let this one dry out.
You don't have to ask me twice.
Do you ever
think about quitting?
This job?
Yeah.
Since when did we start
advertising gambling rooms?
What?
It's a Laundromat.
Yeah, and the massage parlor off
the freeway is for stiff necks.
Well,
that is a legitimate business.
My mother owns it,
my son works there.
If you say so.
I do say so.
Fine.
It's true.
I'd say, "Want to bet,"
but I lost 40 bucks last night
at your mom's
"legitimate business."
Are you running a gambling room
in the back of the Laundromat?
What? No.
Peg says she was there
last night.
Oh, "gambling room."
Yeah.
What are you thinking?
You know gambling is illegal.
Why do you care
how people spend their money?
Gambling destroys lives.
That's what you say
about booze.
I think it's
an excellent pairing.
Wait, does Georgie
know about all of this?
- Um...
- Oh, my Lord.
It's okay,
I'm looking after for him.
What if the police show up?
Don't you worry about them.
We got an understanding.
What does that mean?
I'd explain it to you,
but you wouldn't understand.
You are unbelievable.
It is bad enough
for you to do all this stuff,
but then to drag Georgie down
into your den of sin.
Oh, please,
it's not a den of sin.
Although that is a great name.
Den of Sin.
That would get
some butts in seats.
The chancellor said no?
Did he even look at my report?
He did, he was impressed,
but it didn't change his mind.
After all our hard work.
I know. Bummer.
But hey,
we gave it our best shot,
so time to move on, right?
Absolutely not.
Are you sure?
'Cause it feels like time to me.
We have to keep fighting.
If Antonie van Leeuwenhoek
had given up,
where would we be?
Where would we be?
In a world without microscopes.
Because that guy invented them?
Boy, did he. At least
the first modern microscope.
He's known as
the father of microbiology.
I have a good book on him
I could loan you.
Anyway, we can't give up.
Hey, you are preaching
to the choir,
but...
I mean, what can we do?
I could write to some science
luminaries,
try get them on our side.
Stephen Hawking,
Carl Sagan.
Not Antonie van Leeuwenhoek.
He's dead.
All right,
but just on the off chance
that they're too busy to reply,
I think that you should
get out there on campus,
talk to students,
change their minds.
One-on-one?
That could take months.
Great.
Animated films.
Frog anatomy.
The Bible.
Why are you watching Jeopardy?
Sheldon's not the only one
who likes to learn stuff.
You don't know
where the remote is.
It's right here.
It's just out of batteries.
Want me to get some?
Hurry, I hate this show.
Is Georgie here?
No, I think he's still at work.
Do you know that that Laundromat
is just a front for gambling?
Cool.
Missy Cooper,
that was not for your ears.
Go to your room.
So, what's this all about?
My mother is running
a gambling room
out of the back
of the Laundromat,
and she has Georgie helping her.
They never invited me.
George.
We have to get him out of there.
Mary, we told him
not to drop out of school,
he dropped out of school.
Told him he couldn't
have girls in the garage,
he has girls in the garage.
- He does?
- So many.
Missy!
I'm in my room.
Well, close the door.
All the way.
The point is,
he didn't listen to us then,
he's not gonna listen now.
So, we do nothing?
We let him
make his own mistakes.
That just sounds like another
way of saying we do nothing.
I'm gonna go down there.
And that's a mistake
I'm gonna let you make.
Missy! Batteries!
President Hagemeyer
was counting on me
to turn the tide
of public opinion
and ignite the outrage
of my fellow students.
Excuse me, would you like
to sign my petition?
It's about
the university reducing
our science requirements.
Less science? Sweet.
No, it's to stop the reduction
and keep our
science curriculum strong.
Are you hurrying off
to tell your friends?
"Ben Dover."
Thanks, Ben.
No.
Nuh-uh.
Nope.
Excuse me, would you like to
sign my petition about keeping
- our science requirements strong?
- Of course.
If you'll sign mine
to increase funding
for the school jazz band.
Let's pretend we never met.
I needed a new plan.
One where I could
reach the masses.
The front page
of the campus newspaper
was my best course of action.
I deployed every weapon
in my literary arsenal.
Humor.
So funny.
Gravitas.
So moving.
Fearmongering.
So scary.
And last but not least,
heartfelt emotion.
Eh, not where I shine.
I'll end on fear.
Excuse me,
if I had an exposé
that's going to rip the lid off
this university's leadership
and shine a light
on its rotten core,
who would I turn that in to?
You can give it to me.
I'd feel more comfortable
giving it
to someone who's less likely
to roll it up and smoke it.
Well, I'm the editor,
so it's me or nothing.
Very well.
I'm handing you
the scoop of a lifetime.
Okay.
As your people say,
I think you'll dig it.
Georgie.
Hey, what are you doing here?
I know about the room
in the back.
Do you know
whether or not I know?
Yes.
Okay, that's gonna
save us a lot of time.
It is not okay.
You are quitting right now.
Why would I do that?
Because I am your mother,
and it is wrong.
Well, I'm working for your mother,
and she says it's okay.
And I answer to a higher power,
and He says it's also wrong,
so I win, let's go.
Mom, please don't make
a big deal out of this.
Oh, so there is
an illegal gambling room
in the back,
and it's no big deal?
There's a gambling room
back there?
And there is a church
two blocks down,
so maybe try that.
Just go around to the alley.
The password is "dryer sheet."
This is not a joke.
I'm worried about your soul.
I'm not gambling.
No one's getting hurt.
Georgie, I know you think that,
but this does hurt people.
It's not my business
what people do with their money.
And it ain't your business,
either, so butt out.
The next day,
I got to campus early
to get a copy of my article,
hot off the presses.
Normally, I don't like
getting newspaper ink
on my hands,
but this was worth it.
Plus, I had Wet-Naps.
Where's my exposé?
I didn't run it.
What? Why?
You're blaming this whole thing
on a grand chancellor.
There's no such person.
Of course there is.
He's President Hagemeyer's boss.
She doesn't have a boss.
She's the president.
Yes, she does, and we've been
trying to fight him,
but he won't budge.
The grand chancellor?
Well, when you say it like that
it sounds made-up.
How would you say it?
The grand chancellor.
I've been had.
Mm-hmm.
Oh.
Not now,
I'm on the phone.
Oh, are you talking
to the grand chancellor?
Who I know doesn't exist,
just like your integrity.
Uh, I'll-I'll call you back.
Don't believe her!
You can't just
barge into my office.
And you can't just
lie to my face.
I can and I did.
Well, I'm going to start
calling you President Hage-liar,
and I think it'll to catch on
because it's
both true and clever.
Look, I know you're upset,
but you left me no choice.
I knew you'd be a pain
in the ass about these cuts.
Language, and also, these cuts
are detrimental
on so many levels.
Not to the university.
Look...
My job means sometimes
making very hard decisions.
Now, I'm sorry
that I lied to you,
and-and if it helps,
I didn't enjoy it.
- Yes, you did.
- Yes, I did.
I mean, grand chancellor?
I really pulled that one
out of my...
- Ah-ah.
- ...bottom.
Well, I can
lie about things, too.
Did I knock your papers
on the floor?
No, I didn't.
Did I move your stapler?
No, I didn't.
Ooh, did I break your pencil?
Yes, I did.
Hey, Mary.
Quick question.
Why can I see you
through my newsletter?
Oh, sorry,
I had to remove one of the ads.
Was there anything important
on the other side?
Just Peg's recipe
for her grape salad.
With the mayonnaise
and the pretzels. Barf.
Everything okay?
I feel like I'm a failure
as a mother.
What?
Why?
Georgie dropped out of school,
and now he's working
in a gambling room.
I tried so hard
to keep him on the right path,
and now I feel like
I'm just pushing him away.
Hey, teenagers rebel.
When I was a kid
in El Paso,
we used to cross the border
to drink beer
and dance the night away.
I thought
your father was a pastor.
He was.
It didn't stop me.
It's hard to imagine.
I'm sure my father
felt the same way
when he found his little jefe
doing the hustle
en la discoteca.
Just picture this,
but with a big ol' '70s perm.
I looked like a Chia Pet.
♪ Do the hustle. ♪
I still can't believe
she lied to me.
Look, here's something
you should know about life:
People lie.
Everybody?
Pretty much.
Well, I don't like it.
Mm. It's not always
a bad thing.
When is lying good?
Like when you're trying
to spare someone's feelings.
Oh, I'd rather everybody
just be honest.
Hmm.
Fine.
The last thing I wanted to do
today was pick you up.
You said you were
happy to do it.
See? Lies.
Not the worst.
I think I need to stop
blindly trusting everything.
Hmm. Probably not
a bad idea.
Thanks.
I wish I could believe you.
Once I was
on the lookout for liars,
- I saw them everywhere.
- ...absolutely necessary.
You're not a captain.
You're just an actor.
Which is another word for liar.
And nothing...
is more important than my ship.
He's so darn good at it,
though.
I hear no snap,
I hear no pop,
only crackle.
A bowl of lies.
Why are you watching wrestling?
They beat the crap
out of each other.
It's great.
I bet it's all fake.
Does that look fake to you?
Okay, it's nice to know
something's real.
Ooh, he's bleeding.
Please watch over Missy
and Sheldon
and especially Georgie.
And please don't let
my failings as a mother
get in the way of Your plans
for their lives.
Amen.
Hey, baby. What's wrong?
Is it that obvious?
Well, you are outside,
where birds live.
True. I'll make it quick.
I'm experiencing what
the Germans call weltschmerz.
Uh-huh.
And what do Americans call it?
The pain of the world.
Sounds more fun in German.
Most things do.
Hmm.
Sit.
Tell me why you have...
What is it?
Weltschmerz.
Weltschmerz.
It's recently come
to my attention
that everybody lies
and you can't believe
a thing that comes out
of anyone's mouth.
I don't think everybody lies.
You don't lie.
No, but perhaps
to get by in the world
it's a skill
I should cultivate.
I hope you don't.
I love your honesty.
I want to believe you.
You should,
because I'm your mother
and I would never lie to you.
I would never lie
to you, either.
So, I guess not everybody lies.
I heard what you said
in your prayer,
and I don't think you're
failing as a mother.
Thank you.
I think you're
a pretty great son yourself.
I know I'm difficult.
There is not a single thing
about you I would change.
My mom promised
she would never lie to me.
And she never did.
I'm sorry.
Hey.
Mom send you?
No.
She also doesn't know I'm here,
so let's keep that between us.
All right.
Where's your meemaw?
Not here.
She leaves me in charge
- when she's gone.
- Is that right?
I also handle stuff
in the Laundromat.
Well, good for you.
So... you're okay
with me working here?
Well, since I never been here
and we never had
this conversation...
...sure.
Cool.
Want to give it a spin?
These things really pay out?
All the time.
Not that one.
We call it the homewrecker.
Which one, then?
That one's your buddy.
Yeah?
Look at me!
I-I won two dollars!
President Hagemeyer.
Miss Hagemeyer,
Stephen Hawking here.
Oh, hello. I...
I... Is this really
Stephen Hawking?
Does it not sound like me?
Sorry, I have a cold.
Oh, uh...
That was a joke.
Ha, ha, ha.
Uh...
how can I help you, sir?
I received a letter
from one of your students
about the decision
to reduce science requirements.
Very disappointing.
Well, I would never
want to disappoint you,
but that-that wasn't
my decision.
Whose decision was it?
The grand chancellor.
That is a lie.
Yeah, yeah, that's a lie.
Has anyone ever called you
President Hage-liar?
Subtitles
Synchronized by srjanapala
"Young Sheldon"...
A secret casino room?
The cops shut me down.
Let's get this going again.
How we doing?
There's a problem
with the cashbox.
Oh, what's that?
Can't get it to close.
That is my kind of problem.
Let's talk
about the glory of meetings.
What's not to love?
Agendas, detailed minutes,
and if you're lucky,
they begin and end
with the soothing sound
of discipline and rules.
Ah.
You can imagine my frustration
when I found out East Texas Tech
had faculty meetings that
I was not allowed to attend.
- Excuse me.
- Not that I didn't try.
- Goodbye, Sheldon.
- Darn it.
Sheldon, out.
Aw.
Sorry, I thought you were
an irritating young man
that won't leave me alone.
That's rude.
Out.
So, how was it?
Did any subcommittees
get formed?
No, Sheldon,
it was just a budget meeting.
Ooh, budgets, do tell.
Most of it was about reducing
the gen-ed science requirement
from eight credits to four.
But that's less science classes.
Who would want that?
Apparently the administration,
the students and their parents.
- Did anyone try to stop it?
- No.
- Did it spark a heated debate?
- Not really, no.
Were you at least annoyed?
- Do I sound annoyed?
- Yes.
- Well, there you go.
- Hmm.
♪ Nobody else is stronger than I am ♪
♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪
♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪
♪ I am a mighty little man ♪
♪ I am a mighty little man. ♪
♪YOUNG SHELDON♪
*YOUNG SHELDON*
Season 05 Episode 08
Episode Title: "The Grand Chancellor
and a Den of Sin"
I can't believe
the faculty is okay with this.
It just means students
who aren't science majors
need to take one class
instead of two.
But that's 50% less.
Sheldon, this doesn't
affect you.
Less science affects
all of society.
And in case you haven't noticed,
I'm good at making things
all about me.
Yes, I have picked up on that.
Sorry, there's nothing
I can do about it.
I understand.
You're just a cog in the machine.
In fact,
why am I talking to you?
Feel free to stop.
I thought you'd be at work.
I work nights
this week.
Oh, I didn't realize
the Laundromat was open late.
I did that.
People work during the day,
it seemed like an untapped market.
Smart. You know,
if you want to advertise
your new hours,
you could take out an ad
in the church bulletin.
That ain't a bad idea.
Maybe I'm where
you get it from.
Oh! It could say
something like,
"Jesus washes away
your sins,
and we'll wash away
your stains."
Wow!
You are really good at this.
And do you
really want to be the president
of a university
that is responsible
for the dumbing down
of scientific discourse
on this campus?
I totally agree with you.
You do?
Oh, it's an outrage.
I came here
to make this school
the Harvard of East Texas.
Not the...
Wh-What's
your least favorite school?
MIT.
Not the MIT of East Texas.
Nice dig at MIT.
Well, they deserve it.
So, you're gonna keep
the science requirements the same?
If it were up to me, yes.
But you're the president.
Everyone has a boss, Sheldon.
Now, unfortunately,
I have to answer to the...
grand chancellor.
Oh. I've never heard of him.
Oh, well,
he definitely exists.
Perhaps I should speak
with him.
I appreciate that,
but this is my fight...
Win or lose...
And I'll probably lose,
but I am gonna go down swinging,
I promise you that.
Can I help?
Absolutely.
I need you to put together
a report backing up
our position.
Charts, graphs...
The whole shebang.
Hmm.
Charts and graphs of what?
Am I helping you
or are you helping me?
Uh, of course.
I'll figure it out.
I know you will.
Okay, now,
get out of here.
You have a lot of work to do.
Yes, ma'am.
Kid makes me thirsty.
Maybe we take a little break
and let this one dry out.
You don't have to ask me twice.
Do you ever
think about quitting?
This job?
Yeah.
Since when did we start
advertising gambling rooms?
What?
It's a Laundromat.
Yeah, and the massage parlor off
the freeway is for stiff necks.
Well,
that is a legitimate business.
My mother owns it,
my son works there.
If you say so.
I do say so.
Fine.
It's true.
I'd say, "Want to bet,"
but I lost 40 bucks last night
at your mom's
"legitimate business."
Are you running a gambling room
in the back of the Laundromat?
What? No.
Peg says she was there
last night.
Oh, "gambling room."
Yeah.
What are you thinking?
You know gambling is illegal.
Why do you care
how people spend their money?
Gambling destroys lives.
That's what you say
about booze.
I think it's
an excellent pairing.
Wait, does Georgie
know about all of this?
- Um...
- Oh, my Lord.
It's okay,
I'm looking after for him.
What if the police show up?
Don't you worry about them.
We got an understanding.
What does that mean?
I'd explain it to you,
but you wouldn't understand.
You are unbelievable.
It is bad enough
for you to do all this stuff,
but then to drag Georgie down
into your den of sin.
Oh, please,
it's not a den of sin.
Although that is a great name.
Den of Sin.
That would get
some butts in seats.
The chancellor said no?
Did he even look at my report?
He did, he was impressed,
but it didn't change his mind.
After all our hard work.
I know. Bummer.
But hey,
we gave it our best shot,
so time to move on, right?
Absolutely not.
Are you sure?
'Cause it feels like time to me.
We have to keep fighting.
If Antonie van Leeuwenhoek
had given up,
where would we be?
Where would we be?
In a world without microscopes.
Because that guy invented them?
Boy, did he. At least
the first modern microscope.
He's known as
the father of microbiology.
I have a good book on him
I could loan you.
Anyway, we can't give up.
Hey, you are preaching
to the choir,
but...
I mean, what can we do?
I could write to some science
luminaries,
try get them on our side.
Stephen Hawking,
Carl Sagan.
Not Antonie van Leeuwenhoek.
He's dead.
All right,
but just on the off chance
that they're too busy to reply,
I think that you should
get out there on campus,
talk to students,
change their minds.
One-on-one?
That could take months.
Great.
Animated films.
Frog anatomy.
The Bible.
Why are you watching Jeopardy?
Sheldon's not the only one
who likes to learn stuff.
You don't know
where the remote is.
It's right here.
It's just out of batteries.
Want me to get some?
Hurry, I hate this show.
Is Georgie here?
No, I think he's still at work.
Do you know that that Laundromat
is just a front for gambling?
Cool.
Missy Cooper,
that was not for your ears.
Go to your room.
So, what's this all about?
My mother is running
a gambling room
out of the back
of the Laundromat,
and she has Georgie helping her.
They never invited me.
George.
We have to get him out of there.
Mary, we told him
not to drop out of school,
he dropped out of school.
Told him he couldn't
have girls in the garage,
he has girls in the garage.
- He does?
- So many.
Missy!
I'm in my room.
Well, close the door.
All the way.
The point is,
he didn't listen to us then,
he's not gonna listen now.
So, we do nothing?
We let him
make his own mistakes.
That just sounds like another
way of saying we do nothing.
I'm gonna go down there.
And that's a mistake
I'm gonna let you make.
Missy! Batteries!
President Hagemeyer
was counting on me
to turn the tide
of public opinion
and ignite the outrage
of my fellow students.
Excuse me, would you like
to sign my petition?
It's about
the university reducing
our science requirements.
Less science? Sweet.
No, it's to stop the reduction
and keep our
science curriculum strong.
Are you hurrying off
to tell your friends?
"Ben Dover."
Thanks, Ben.
No.
Nuh-uh.
Nope.
Excuse me, would you like to
sign my petition about keeping
- our science requirements strong?
- Of course.
If you'll sign mine
to increase funding
for the school jazz band.
Let's pretend we never met.
I needed a new plan.
One where I could
reach the masses.
The front page
of the campus newspaper
was my best course of action.
I deployed every weapon
in my literary arsenal.
Humor.
So funny.
Gravitas.
So moving.
Fearmongering.
So scary.
And last but not least,
heartfelt emotion.
Eh, not where I shine.
I'll end on fear.
Excuse me,
if I had an exposé
that's going to rip the lid off
this university's leadership
and shine a light
on its rotten core,
who would I turn that in to?
You can give it to me.
I'd feel more comfortable
giving it
to someone who's less likely
to roll it up and smoke it.
Well, I'm the editor,
so it's me or nothing.
Very well.
I'm handing you
the scoop of a lifetime.
Okay.
As your people say,
I think you'll dig it.
Georgie.
Hey, what are you doing here?
I know about the room
in the back.
Do you know
whether or not I know?
Yes.
Okay, that's gonna
save us a lot of time.
It is not okay.
You are quitting right now.
Why would I do that?
Because I am your mother,
and it is wrong.
Well, I'm working for your mother,
and she says it's okay.
And I answer to a higher power,
and He says it's also wrong,
so I win, let's go.
Mom, please don't make
a big deal out of this.
Oh, so there is
an illegal gambling room
in the back,
and it's no big deal?
There's a gambling room
back there?
And there is a church
two blocks down,
so maybe try that.
Just go around to the alley.
The password is "dryer sheet."
This is not a joke.
I'm worried about your soul.
I'm not gambling.
No one's getting hurt.
Georgie, I know you think that,
but this does hurt people.
It's not my business
what people do with their money.
And it ain't your business,
either, so butt out.
The next day,
I got to campus early
to get a copy of my article,
hot off the presses.
Normally, I don't like
getting newspaper ink
on my hands,
but this was worth it.
Plus, I had Wet-Naps.
Where's my exposé?
I didn't run it.
What? Why?
You're blaming this whole thing
on a grand chancellor.
There's no such person.
Of course there is.
He's President Hagemeyer's boss.
She doesn't have a boss.
She's the president.
Yes, she does, and we've been
trying to fight him,
but he won't budge.
The grand chancellor?
Well, when you say it like that
it sounds made-up.
How would you say it?
The grand chancellor.
I've been had.
Mm-hmm.
Oh.
Not now,
I'm on the phone.
Oh, are you talking
to the grand chancellor?
Who I know doesn't exist,
just like your integrity.
Uh, I'll-I'll call you back.
Don't believe her!
You can't just
barge into my office.
And you can't just
lie to my face.
I can and I did.
Well, I'm going to start
calling you President Hage-liar,
and I think it'll to catch on
because it's
both true and clever.
Look, I know you're upset,
but you left me no choice.
I knew you'd be a pain
in the ass about these cuts.
Language, and also, these cuts
are detrimental
on so many levels.
Not to the university.
Look...
My job means sometimes
making very hard decisions.
Now, I'm sorry
that I lied to you,
and-and if it helps,
I didn't enjoy it.
- Yes, you did.
- Yes, I did.
I mean, grand chancellor?
I really pulled that one
out of my...
- Ah-ah.
- ...bottom.
Well, I can
lie about things, too.
Did I knock your papers
on the floor?
No, I didn't.
Did I move your stapler?
No, I didn't.
Ooh, did I break your pencil?
Yes, I did.
Hey, Mary.
Quick question.
Why can I see you
through my newsletter?
Oh, sorry,
I had to remove one of the ads.
Was there anything important
on the other side?
Just Peg's recipe
for her grape salad.
With the mayonnaise
and the pretzels. Barf.
Everything okay?
I feel like I'm a failure
as a mother.
What?
Why?
Georgie dropped out of school,
and now he's working
in a gambling room.
I tried so hard
to keep him on the right path,
and now I feel like
I'm just pushing him away.
Hey, teenagers rebel.
When I was a kid
in El Paso,
we used to cross the border
to drink beer
and dance the night away.
I thought
your father was a pastor.
He was.
It didn't stop me.
It's hard to imagine.
I'm sure my father
felt the same way
when he found his little jefe
doing the hustle
en la discoteca.
Just picture this,
but with a big ol' '70s perm.
I looked like a Chia Pet.
♪ Do the hustle. ♪
I still can't believe
she lied to me.
Look, here's something
you should know about life:
People lie.
Everybody?
Pretty much.
Well, I don't like it.
Mm. It's not always
a bad thing.
When is lying good?
Like when you're trying
to spare someone's feelings.
Oh, I'd rather everybody
just be honest.
Hmm.
Fine.
The last thing I wanted to do
today was pick you up.
You said you were
happy to do it.
See? Lies.
Not the worst.
I think I need to stop
blindly trusting everything.
Hmm. Probably not
a bad idea.
Thanks.
I wish I could believe you.
Once I was
on the lookout for liars,
- I saw them everywhere.
- ...absolutely necessary.
You're not a captain.
You're just an actor.
Which is another word for liar.
And nothing...
is more important than my ship.
He's so darn good at it,
though.
I hear no snap,
I hear no pop,
only crackle.
A bowl of lies.
Why are you watching wrestling?
They beat the crap
out of each other.
It's great.
I bet it's all fake.
Does that look fake to you?
Okay, it's nice to know
something's real.
Ooh, he's bleeding.
Please watch over Missy
and Sheldon
and especially Georgie.
And please don't let
my failings as a mother
get in the way of Your plans
for their lives.
Amen.
Hey, baby. What's wrong?
Is it that obvious?
Well, you are outside,
where birds live.
True. I'll make it quick.
I'm experiencing what
the Germans call weltschmerz.
Uh-huh.
And what do Americans call it?
The pain of the world.
Sounds more fun in German.
Most things do.
Hmm.
Sit.
Tell me why you have...
What is it?
Weltschmerz.
Weltschmerz.
It's recently come
to my attention
that everybody lies
and you can't believe
a thing that comes out
of anyone's mouth.
I don't think everybody lies.
You don't lie.
No, but perhaps
to get by in the world
it's a skill
I should cultivate.
I hope you don't.
I love your honesty.
I want to believe you.
You should,
because I'm your mother
and I would never lie to you.
I would never lie
to you, either.
So, I guess not everybody lies.
I heard what you said
in your prayer,
and I don't think you're
failing as a mother.
Thank you.
I think you're
a pretty great son yourself.
I know I'm difficult.
There is not a single thing
about you I would change.
My mom promised
she would never lie to me.
And she never did.
I'm sorry.
Hey.
Mom send you?
No.
She also doesn't know I'm here,
so let's keep that between us.
All right.
Where's your meemaw?
Not here.
She leaves me in charge
- when she's gone.
- Is that right?
I also handle stuff
in the Laundromat.
Well, good for you.
So... you're okay
with me working here?
Well, since I never been here
and we never had
this conversation...
...sure.
Cool.
Want to give it a spin?
These things really pay out?
All the time.
Not that one.
We call it the homewrecker.
Which one, then?
That one's your buddy.
Yeah?
Look at me!
I-I won two dollars!
President Hagemeyer.
Miss Hagemeyer,
Stephen Hawking here.
Oh, hello. I...
I... Is this really
Stephen Hawking?
Does it not sound like me?
Sorry, I have a cold.
Oh, uh...
That was a joke.
Ha, ha, ha.
Uh...
how can I help you, sir?
I received a letter
from one of your students
about the decision
to reduce science requirements.
Very disappointing.
Well, I would never
want to disappoint you,
but that-that wasn't
my decision.
Whose decision was it?
The grand chancellor.
That is a lie.
Yeah, yeah, that's a lie.
Has anyone ever called you
President Hage-liar?
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