Young Sheldon (2017–…): Season 5, Episode 2 - Snoopin' Around and the Wonder Twins of Atheism - full transcript

Previously on Young Sheldon...

Oh, hey, Brenda.
What brings you out tonight?

Just needed to get
out of the house.

I hear that.

Want some company?

Sure.

Then what if we go
someplace else?

What do you have in mind?

Herschel does have the kids.

You okay?

George?

Hello?

Mary, it's Brenda.

George is in the hospital.

What's going on?

Paramedics think it might be
his heart.

All we did was have a nice time
in a public place. Hmm?

Now, is there anything
wrong with that?

Kind of feels like it.

It does feel like it.

Why does it feel like it?

Maybe...

'cause it was nice to talk
to someone and feel special.

It was.

Sundays were not
my favorite day.

In fact, the only light
at the end of the tunnel was

the wry musings of Andy Rooney
at the end of 60 Minutes.

Noise is sound
you don't want to hear.

And of course, one person's
sound is another person's noise.

So wry.

The rest of the day was filled
with football,

church and the only school
I didn't enjoy attending,

Sunday school.

And then his mother put
baby Moses in a basket

and sent him down the river.

Why?

Maybe he was crying all night

and his mother and father
needed a break.

And maybe his grandmother was
in town to help out,

but she went to bed early
because she had jet lag

after her flight from Dallas.

She did it
because Pharaoh ordered

all the male babies
to be killed.

That's really in the Bible?
Yes.

And Mom won't let me
read Judy Blume.

Sheila the Great
changed my life.

Back to Moses.

He was found
by Pharaoh's daughter

and went on to lead
the Israelites out of Egypt,

because even when you feel lost,
God has a plan for us all.

What was his plan
for the male babies

who didn't get rescued?

It's tough to say.

There was a decree
to throw them in the river.

Innocent babies?

That is not cool.

That was Pharaoh,
that was not God.

But according to you,
it's all part of God's plan.

How do you sleep at night?

Okay, we're gonna revisit
getting me some help

with Sunday school.

I am ready,
willing, and...

Nope.

I want someone who can
really connect with the kids.

But connecting with the kids
is what I do.

What planet are you on?

I'm Miss Mary, and I'll be
your Sunday school teacher.

Oh, no, you won't. I will.

Slithers, that is a lie.

And what's another name
for a lie?

A s-s-sin.

Boy did that s-s-suck.

Fine,
what do you have in mind?

It's time we hire
a youth pastor.

Fresh blood.
I like the sound of that.

I already put in
a call to my buddy

at the Southern Baptist
Convention.

So, this isn't open
for discussion?

It's already happening?

As they say in the rec room
Tuesday nights:

"Bingo!"

S-s-sorry.

♪ Nobody else
is stronger than I am ♪

♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain

♪ I bet I could be your hero

♪ I am a mighty little man

♪ I am a mighty little man.♪

♪

Hey, Brenda.

Oh, hey, Connie.

Haven't seen you in a while.

Yeah.

Sounds like you and George

had a crazy night, huh?

What? No, we didn't.

He has a heart attack,
and you get him to the hospital.

That wasn't crazy?

No.

Well, thank God
you were with him.

Well, I-I wouldn't say
I was "with him."

You weren't?

I was there, and he was there,

and other people were there.

Okay.

You know,

I'm just glad that
he's doing better.

Mm. Yeah.

Well, it's good seeing you.

You, too.

You both liked it that day I
taught Sunday school, right?

Ugh, with the snake?

I didn't like it, either.

But I'm critical of most things.

You aren't doing it again,
are you?

No. We're hiring
a youth pastor.

Why?

To help get young kids
excited about God.

The same God who lets babies
get thrown in rivers?
What?

We covered Moses
in Sunday school.

Oh.

Well,
that was Old Testament God.

He gets more fun later.

Anyway, Pastor Jeff

is hoping to bring in someone
from the outside to help.

Oh, and you're jealous 'cause
you think you can do it better.

No.

I'm sure whoever we get
will do a wonderful job.

She's jealous.

You know it's bad
when I can see it.

What's up?

My smoke detector's
beeping again.

Have you got
one of those little batteries?

I think so. Come on in.
Thank you.

See, I'm three beeps away
from breaking out my shotgun.

I don't even put
batteries in ours anymore.

Do not tell Sheldon.

I saw Brenda at
the grocery today.

Oh, yeah?

How's she doing?

I don't know.

Something going on
with her?

What do you mean?

I was just talking about what
happened to y'all at the bar,

and she kind of got weird.

Weird how?

What'd she say?

Well, it's not so much
what she said.

Just kind of a vibe I got.

Well, maybe you made her
uncomfortable. You do have

that effect on people.

I didn't do anything.

I was just being neighborly.

Found it. Here we go.

Hey, anything else?

No.

Well, see you.

See you.

Hello?

What did you tell Connie?

What do you mean?
She said

she saw you
at the grocery store,

and you were acting weird.

She caught me off guard.

She was asking questions
about us hanging out at the bar.

What did you tell her?
Nothing.

Well, whatever you said's
got her sniffing around me

like a hound dog
after a polecat.

A hound dog after a polecat?

When I get nervous,
I get extra country.

Did you get country
in front of her?
No.

So you played it cool.
No.

So, we got to get
our stories straight.

Now, wh-what did you tell her?

I told her we weren't together.

I was there, and you were there,

and other people
were there, too.

That's good. That's good.

So, what did you tell her?

I was a little rude

and rushed her out of the house.

Don't you do that all the time?

Oh, yeah.
Oh, I guess we're okay.

I drew up a list
of interview questions

we can ask the pastors.

But these are all softballs.

Shouldn't we dig
a little deeper?

Are you kidding me?

"Who's your favorite apostle
and why"

is gonna have them squirming
in their seat.

Oh, please, there are
11 good answers and one bad one.

Mary,
if you're not here to help,

I can do this on my own.

I am here to help.
I am just saying

that most people see this job
as a stepping stone

to bigger and better oppor...

This is Pastor Andy.

Hi, there.
Welcome.

Who is my favorite apostle
and why? That is a toughie.

Although, I suppose any answer

other than Judas is safe.

So, where you from?

Originally Rhode Island.

And you're
a Southern Baptist?

I guess
I'm more of a Northern Baptist,

but we're all just Baptists,
right?

I'll show him out.

So, how do you relate
to young people?

Bad.

Which is what kids these days
say when they mean "good."

It's a Michael Jackson song.

Here's another Michael
Jackson song: beat it.

Peg.
Sorry.

But she's right.
Thank you for coming.

Can I ask you a question?

Mm.

Do you have
any women friends?

Uh-oh.

Mary finally wise up
and kick you to the curb?

I'm being serious.

I have plenty of women friends.

Matter of fact,
my best friend's a woman.

Are you gonna say your wife?

You know I am.

She got in the shower

with me this morning.

I don't need to hear that.

How could something
be so clean

and so dirty at
the same time?

I'm sorry I asked.

Are you upset 'cause I said
she was my best friend

and not you?

No.

You're in the top three.

Stop talking to me.

Definitely my best
white friend.

Okay.

Who is your favorite apostle
and why?

Ooh.

I'm-a say Judas.

What? How?

Well, for man to be redeemed,

our Lord had to die.

If Judas

hadn't betrayed him,

mankind
wouldn't have been saved.

Pretty cool.

I never thought
about it like that.

Well, you know, when you come at
things from unexpected angles,

people pay attention more.

It's what I hope to do
with the kids.

Well, you got my attention.

Hold on. I'm not sure

that we should be teaching
the kids that Judas was cool.

Well, I just try to see everyone
the way Jesus would.

Preach.

No, no, that's your job.

Look, I just want to get
the kids excited about church.

Think of me as the warm-up band

before you hit the stage.

I think we just found
our new youth pastor.

Can we discuss this?

Of course. When can you start?

Why are you watching
The Ten Commandments?

I've just been
thinking about God.
Why?

I don't understand how a God
that's supposed to be good

lets such bad things happen.

Oh.

Hmm. Can you think about it
while I watch Yo! MTV Raps?

Sure.
Dope.

♪ Bust a move...

Do you believe in God?

Yeah.
But in the Bible,

he does all kinds
of mean stuff.

If he's good,
why would he do that?

Maybe he just wants to
show he's in charge.

Hulk Hogan's nice,

but in the ring, he
will mess you up.

That's either really smart
or really stupid.

That's what I do.

Do you ever wonder
if it's all made-up?

Look, this is Texas.

We like football.
We like God.

And beef. Beef's
up there, too.

But how do you know
there's a God?

See that girl dancing
in them shorts?

♪ Hey, yeah...♪

There's a God.

Excuse me? Pastor Rob.

I'm sorry if I came off
a little strong back there.

Oh. Hey, you're just trying
to do what's best for the kids.

I respect that.

Thank you.
And I just want you to know

that I am very well-connected
with the parents,

so if I can be
of any help there,

please let me know.

Yeah, you know, actually,

I try not to get too close
to the parents.

I-I just think it's important
for the kids to feel

like I'm on their side.

Okay.

Ooh, maybe we could do a, uh,

"good cop, bad cop"
sort of thing.

Why am I the bad cop?

Oh, I don't have
all the answers.

Maybe you should ask God.

Really looking forward
to working with you.

Got a minute?

I'm kind of busy. I'm inventing

a system of heraldry
for two warring tribes of orcs

in my D&D campaign.

Oh. I was hoping
we could talk about atheism.

Much like an orc, I'm all ears.

What's it like
to not believe in God?

It's great. Big fan.

Are you ever afraid
you're wrong?

About religion? Never.

About other things? Also never.

I don't know.
It seems a little scary

to just stop believing.

Well, is it more comforting

to believe in a God
who could flood the world

and kill everyone
because he had a bad day?

That's a good point.
But doesn't it

upset people
when you say you don't believe?

Oh, yeah.

And that doesn't bother you?

Does it bother you
when you upset people?

I couldn't care less.

Welcome to atheism.

Now, if you were an orc,
would you like this flag?

Hey, Connie. Usual?

Yeah.

♪ Slow down...

I spend a lot of money here,
right?

You sure do.

So if my son-in-law

was in here
doing something stupid,

I should know, right?

I guess.

Before he went to the hospital,

was he in here
doing something stupid?

Just hanging out.

Why?
No reason.

Just watching
too many soap operas, I guess.

Let's just keep this
between us, okay?

Sure thing.

Hello?

Hey, George.
It's Nick from the bar.

Why the hell are you asking
questions about me at the bar?

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Nick told me everything.

Well, clearly, I was lying.

You want to accuse me
of something,

say it to my face.
All right, fine.

You have a fight with your wife,

you end up in a bar
with Brenda Sparks,

and now you're both acting weird
about it.

There's no story.

We're two people who went
to the same bar. That's it.

That better be it.

Connie, I get it.
You're protecting

your daughter, but hear me

when I say nothing happened.

Okay.

And I don't appreciate you
snooping around behind my back.

You're absolutely right.

I was wrong to do that.
I'm very sorry.

Little ticked at Nick
for blabbing about it, but...

I'm-I'm sorry.

Thank you.

We good?

We're good.

"We're good" my ass.

All right, you two,
get ready for bed.

Church in the morning.
I'm not going.

What do you mean,
you're not going?

I don't think
I believe in God anymore.

What did you do to her?

Hey, she came to me. I mean,
I took the ball and ran with it.

Look at you with
a sports analogy.

We're both evolving.
Ooh, evolution.

Another thing
I'll teach you about.

I don't care what you believe.

You are going
to church tomorrow.

I don't want to.

It might be fun.

The new youth pastor's starting.

So?
We can attack
his belief system together.

Like the Wonder Twins
of atheism.

See? Your brother's excited.

You just want the new guy
to have a bad day.

I can want two things.

Well, hey, y'all.

I'm Pastor Rob.

I'm, uh, guessing
everyone knows what this is.

The Bible.
That's right. That's right.

What else is it?

The word of God.

Excellent. Excellent.

You know what else it is?

It's just a book.

I like him.

It's a good book.
Got lot of great stories.

Instructions
on how to live life.

But...

God is more than just a book.

God is real.

God is everywhere.

And God loves you.

He's losing me.

It ain't pretty,
but it's private.

So,

what's up?

Now, don't freak out,

but Connie was at the bar
asking questions.

What the hell?

It's fine. I handled it.

We're all good.

Well, I hope so.

We are.

But I think we
probably shouldn't go to the bar

at the same time for a while.

Okay. You stay home. I'll go.

Why me? That's where I hang out.

I'm single.

Who am I gonna meet
sitting at home?

I don't know. Mailman? Plumber?

I've seen a movie
where the pizza delivery boy

does pretty well for himself.

Yeah, I bounced around
from job to job after college.

Never really had a plan
for what was next

until one day, I felt the Lord
call me to his service.

Yes, Missy Cooper.

Right?
How'd you know?

Let's see, Mary's your mother,
Sheldon's your brother,

and I hear
you are one heck of a pitcher.

I do my homework, y'all.
Homework. He's winning me back.

So, what's on your mind, Missy?

Is it okay that I'm wondering
if God is real?

I can take this one.

Yes.

He is absolutely right.

He is?
I usually am.

Can't just believe something
because people say it's true.

You have to question it.

It's kind of like the, uh,
the scientific method,

right, Sheldon?

Did my homework on you, too.

But what if I decide
he's not real?

Look, I'm not asking you
to believe what I believe.

I'm just asking you to think
about what you believe.

Sounds like you're
already doing that.

Yep.
What do you know about me?

Hmm. Billy Sparks.

Sixth grade.

Also plays baseball,
but maybe not as good as her.

Whoa.

And then Pastor Rob
said it doesn't matter

if I believe in God
'cause God believes in me.

I said the same thing.

Not like he did.

Well, I told him

religion isn't objective
and there's no proof for it.

Oh, I bet he didn't like that.

He loved it.

He quoted Kierkegaard
and said

if you could prove it,
there'd be no room for faith.

Oh. Well, good for him.

He also likes homework.
Mm-hmm.

He even threw the Bible
on the floor.

He what?
You heard me.

When you were married,
would you have said

that Herschel
was your best friend?

What married person
would say that?

My buddy Wayne.

Does this buddy of yours
have kids?

No.
Then what the hell
does he know?

He's a very happy guy.

It's exhausting.

Ooh, I should get going.

Okay.

You want to take a chicken
for the smoker?

Do I look like a vegetarian?

Mom?

You out here?
Um, I'll-I'll be there

in a sec, honey. I'm-I'm
just feeding the chickens.

You need some help?
No. I'm almost done.

Okay.