Young Sheldon (2017–…): Season 5, Episode 14 - A Free Scratcher and Feminine Wiles - full transcript

Scientific rivalries

are a fact of life.

When two competing scientists
work on a project,

it can devolve into
an intellectual boxing match.

Over the years, there's been
a few classic heavyweight bouts.

Newton and Leibniz.

Tesla and Edison.

And in a lesser-known
but equally brutal bout...

Linkletter versus Sturgis,

The Tussle with No Muscle.

Let's see how they stack up

in a tale of the tape.

In the wire frame glasses,
the Eureka from Topeka,

Grant Linkletter.

IQ: 159.

Papers published: 272.

Bedtime: 8:30.

And his opponent,

in his favorite sensible shoes,

The Brain from Maine,

John Burgess Sturgis!

IQ: 162.

Papers published: 221.

Bedtime: 7:45 on weekdays,

9:00 on Saturday night.

Fasten your thinking caps
and let's get it on.

The free-streaming length
of the axion is too long.

It'll erase the fluctuations.

You're completely forgetting

that it is nonrelativistic
dark matter.

You'll never have the resolution

to see microkelvin features.

I think your brain is as smooth
as the top of your head.

Low blow, Grant.

He's right, gentlemen,
let's keep it to science.

You'll never have the resolution

to see microkelvin features.

♪ Nobody else
is stronger than I am ♪

♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪

♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪

♪ I am a mighty little man ♪

♪ I am a mighty little man. ♪

I cannot work with that creepy
little know-it-all one more day.

I-I'm sorry, but are we talking
about Sheldon or Sturgis?

Sturgis.
Well, both, but mostly Sturgis.

He's not interested
in anyone else's input.

I-I'm sorry,
Sheldon or Linkletter?

Linkletter.

Ah, got it. Continue.

Well?

But I thought you wanted

Dr. Sturgis on this project.

I'll admit John
has been useful, but now

he's just slowing us down.

Well, he keeps Sheldon happy,

and when Sheldon's happy,
he's not in this office.

Well, but when he's not in
your office, he's in my office.

Eh, "dem's da breaks."

I was brought in to help

but Dr. Linkletter
doesn't value my input.

Oh, I hear you.
That must be tough.

Ever since he was brought back,
he contradicts everything I say.

I hear you. That must be tough.

There was a time when
their arguing brought out

the best in them, but now
it's just hindering our work.

I hear you. That must be tough.

Thank you for understanding.

And between us,

I am counting on you
being in charge.

Excellent.

You're the alpha dog
on this project.

Very good.

But shouldn't we tell everyone?

Oh, no, no, no, no. I can't
be seen as playing favorites.

But what's important
is that I know and you know.

Smart.

But not as smart as you.

Oh.

Which is why, uh,
just between us,

I am counting on you to keep
the train on the tracks.

Well, I appreciate
the vote of confidence.

And the sweet train metaphor.
Well, good.

You know, I just
want you to be happy.

I guess in a way I'm kind
of like the son you never had.

Sure.

Which is nice,
because you're far too old

to have children now.

And you make me feel okay
about that.

Wait.

$20 on pump four, please.

You got it.

Here you go.

What's this?

Promotion for the new lottery.

Every ten gallons,
you get a free scratcher.

Oh, I don't believe in gambling.

Great, I'll take it.

Oh, I don't believe

you should be gambling, either.

So, you don't want it?

No.
Then I'm scratching it.

Sorry. Not on my watch.

You can thank me in heaven.

What's this formula?

This wasn't here yesterday.

Dr. Linkletter added it
after you left.

Was he trying to be funny?

He was giggling
at your "feebleminded math."

His words.

He's trying to approximate

the cosmic background radiation
by setting it

at one Rydberg over Z,
and my math is feebleminded?

What do you think you're doing?

I'm changing the estimate

to Robert Dicke's value
of 45 kelvin.

I wasn't here the last time
he went off his rocker.

Is this what it looked like?

I'm perfectly sane,
and I'm telling you,

Dicke's estimate
is the way to go.

And I'm telling you
we need to use

one Rydberg over Z,
and that is final.

Oh, is it, you albino beanpole?

Dr. Sturgis.

He impugned my mental stability.

Fair enough. Your insult stands.

Thank you. Beanpole.

Ooh.

Oh, man.

God, I swear I'll never ask

for anything again,
just one more 500.

Thank you.

Melissa Cooper,
what are you doing with that?

I found it.

Well, it is mine, and
I threw it away for a reason.

It's mine now,
and I might win 500 bucks.

Oh, no, you won't.

I'll split it with you.
No.

Why are you being so lame?

Because money
does not buy happiness.

Fresh Prince seems pretty happy.

It is not his money,
it's his Uncle Phil's!

Half of that's mine.
I prayed for it.

Go to your room.

You're wasting valuable time.

I'm not, you are.

Gentlemen,
if we could please keep

this train on the tracks...

We'll be on track
if we follow my plan,

so I'm afraid I'm going
to have to insist.

Insist?

You're not the alpha dog
around here.

I agree.

This may be hard for both of you

to hear, but President Hagemeyer
put me in charge.

I know for a fact
that isn't true,

because she put me in charge.

We may have a problem.

What can I say?

I tried something.

So you really thought

you could tell us
we were all in charge

and we wouldn't
figure it out?

Well, in my defense,
I said to each of you,

"Let's keep this
between us."

I'm a little disappointed
that you broke my trust.

That is true. We're sorry.

Don't apologize for that.
We were being manipulated.

You were the one
who blabbed first.

That's because you kept
slowing us down

with your outmoded ideas.

Gentlemen, if we could
just follow my plan...

No.
No.

Well, I hope
that you're starting

to see the challenge I faced
putting any of you in charge.

You're right, we're sorry.

Stop that.
Sorry.

Well, we can't move forward

until a project leader
is chosen.

He's right, I'll do it.

You're a child.
You're a child.

Oh, you're all children.

Sorry. Sorry.

Well, who's it gonna be?

Gentlemen, I'm Dr. Carol Lee,

director of the new
experimental cosmology center.

What makes you qualified
to lead our project?

Yeah.
Yeah.

Well, I have a PhD in physics
from Berkeley,

I worked at IBM's
Watson Research Center

as lead of the materials
research group,

and I raised
three little boys,

which I understand

you've been acting like.

Sounds like she can handle it.

Dear Lord, please forgive me.

I shouldn't have
finished that scratcher.

That was wrong.

But now that I have the money,
my family could really use it.

I know. Gambling is a sin.

Although, I didn't buy
the scratcher,

so is that even gambling?

Why is Missy saying we're rich?

I suggest we mount a radio
telescope on the roof

so that we can get a good read

on the fluctuations
in radiation.

Excellent.

We'll pick a small region
of the sky and drill down.

Whoa, whoa, pump your brakes.

We need at least
a 45-square-degree sector

of the sky in order to take
any meaningful readings.

That's ridiculous.
What we need to do is cut

a single linear section
across the horizon.

No, if we don't focus,
we won't get any useful data.

I suggest 20
arc minutes max.

The trick is to pick
a good spot.

You want a trick?
Go see David Copperfield.

How about I make you disappear?

Do I need to separate you?

Or can we try to put
our minds together

for the advancement of science?

The second one.

I know you're new here, ma'am,
but this is our process.

They argue, I swoop in
and save the day.

It may seem unorthodox
to you, however...

The-the second one.

I'm gonna tell you right now,
we can't keep it.

It's not a puppy, Mary,
it's 500 bucks.

It is gambling.

Then why'd you buy the ticket?

I didn't buy it. They gave it
to me at the gas station.

Okay, well, that sounds
like a gift from God.

You don't want to make Him mad.

That is not how God
works, George.

What if he wanted you to have it
to give to the Church?

Well...

Well, uh, based on that,
what if he wanted you to have it

so we could buy stuff?
George.

All I'm saying is, we work hard,
we're good people.

Maybe we deserve this.

I guess a dishwasher
might be nice.

There you go. Get a dishwasher.

I don't know.
I'll think about it.

What's to think about?
Have some fun for once.

Ooh, we getting something
fun with the money?

We're talking about
a dishwasher.

When did your dreams die?

When we had kids.
George.

I was carrying pulsers
75 feet up

a wet metal ladder

when there was an earthquake.

So, I am hanging on
for dear life...

Ooh, we should set up
several radio telescopes

on different rooftops
in an array.

You speak Mandarin.

I heard my name.
What are they saying?

I don't speak Mandarin.
Just a little French.

Oh, really?

Ha!

Well, does anyone here
speak Klingon?

Dr. Lee?
Sheldon.

May I have a moment
of your time?

Of course, come in.

Sit.

How can I help you?

I feel like my contributions
aren't being taken seriously.

Oh, well, I'm sorry
you feel that way,

but I'm listening
to everyone's contributions.

But you're not taking
any of mine.

No. But Drs. Linkletter
and Sturgis

seem happy with the
direction we're headed.

Well, I think it's because

you're using
your feminine wiles.

And what exactly
do you think that means?

I'm not sure,
but you are wearing lip gloss

and seem to have good hygiene.

And if you're trying to use them
on me, it's not going to work.

Sheldon, I assure you

that I'm just trying to do

what's best for the project.

Excellent,
then you'll want to set up

several telescopes in an array.

I hear you, but... ghobe'.

Wait, that's "no" in Klingon.
Do you speak Klingon?

I looked up that one word.

I had a feeling it
would come in handy.

Ooh, look
at the Ultra-Clean Two.

It's got five washing cycles.

I don't know, George,
these are really expensive.

You won the money.
Spend it.

Maybe we should just
get a more affordable one.

Everything we do is affordable.
Uh... splurge for once.

It's so extravagant.

You'd think
we were talking about

buying a party boat.

It's a dishwasher,
for crying out loud.

But the way we got the money,
it just doesn't feel right.

So you're telling me
you're never okay

with bending the rules
once in a while?

That's not how being
a Christian works.

Good to know.

What are you doing?

Oh, just helping you
be a good Christian.

Dr. Lee had commandeered
the project,

and Drs. Linkletter
and Sturgis were okay with it.

Everyone was being mean,
and I was out of my depth.

I needed advice
on how to proceed.

Thankfully, I was mere feet away

from the person
who had been mean to me

since she tried strangling me
with her umbilical cord.

What?

So, this Dr. Lee is turning
your friends against you?

Essentially.

Classic move.

Most girls you find crying
in the school bathroom,

that was it.

What do I do?

Well, you're in a tough spot

'cause your personality is ugh.

There's enough people
being mean to me right now.

Sorry.

Can you help me or not?

It's you against a bunch
of college professors.

I don't think
you can win this one.

Oh. Do any of them have pimples?

No.

Too bad, I've done a lot
of damage with "pizza face."

He just took the ticket

and stormed off.

I don't know why he cares
so much about a dishwasher.

Maybe it ain't
about the dishwasher.

Well, what is it, then?

Mary, I love you,
but sometimes it's kind of like

you're waging a war on fun.

Why? Because I have values?

Well, too bad because
they're not going away.

Oh, and fun is down
for the count.

500 bucks?

I guess drinks are on you.

Fine, but is that all
you got from my story?

It's called lightening
the mood, George.

Sorry.

But I do think
you're overreacting.

Come on.

I... Would it kill her
to loosen up once in a while?

Maybe that's just
not who she is.

What if it is, just not with me?

Well, what does that mean?

The other night I
drove by the church

and I saw Mary
and that new youth pastor

just hanging out on the curb,
laughing and smoking cigarettes.

Yeah? And?

Well, that's not enough?

Well, is smoking even a sin?

'Cause I still light up
after a roll in the hay.

The point is, she's capable
of being fun, just...

not with me.

It's not like
I don't want to be fun,

but I feel like

I am the only one holding
the family together.

Mary, can I point out that you
weren't exactly like this

when y'all got married?

So? I'm not allowed to grow?

Apart? Okay.

What made you and your wife
call it quits?

George, let me
tell you something.

Getting divorced sucks.

I know.
You don't.

If you think you're upset
about a $500 scratcher,

try sitting home alone
with half your money gone.

I thought you were
gonna say something

about love and vows.

Half, George.

And it wasn't a lot
when it was a whole.

I said I'd buy your drinks.

Well, thank you.

Wings wouldn't hurt, either.

My sister thought I was in

an unwinnable situation,

but I knew someone else
who faced

a no-win scenario and prevailed:
one James Tiberius Kirk.

The Kobayashi Maru
was a simulation

designed to be unbeatable,
but Kirk snuck in

and reprogrammed it
so he could win.

All I needed to do
was put my scanning coordinates

into Dr. Lee's radio telescope
to prove I was correct.

It was time for my sneaky face.

Hey.

Hi.

This is yours.

And if you don't feel
right spending it,

then you should do
whatever you want with it.

Thank you.

You know,
I've been thinking that

maybe it isn't

the end of the world
if we spend it on something fun.

Really?

Yeah, something
the family could enjoy.

Well...

we haven't been on vacation
in a long time.

Oh...

Oh.

We could go to Houston,
see the Ice Capades.

Let's keep thinking.

The next evening,
I put my plan into action.

I was just like Captain Kirk,

if Captain Kirk had to bum
a ride from his meemaw.

All I needed to do was
get into Dr. Lee's office

and swap the coordinates.

Nothing could stop me.

Dang it.

Well, here's to male egos

and all the fun
that comes with them.

You've had to deal
with that a lot, huh?

The first month I was here,
people kept assuming

I was the president's secretary.

Did you correct them?

No, I just told them
that the president was too busy

to see them and then
I cut their funding.

That must have felt good.

Ah, it was like taking off
my bra at the end of a long day.

Mm-hmm.
But I don't have to tell you.

Can you believe there were only
three women in my major?

Oh, at least you had each other.

Those bitches? Pass.

What about the guys?

Either too scared to talk to me

or trying to talk me
into being horizontal.

Oh, yeah, I hear that. Mm-hmm.
Mm.

I've even had projects sabotaged
just to make me look bad.

You're kidding.
Nope.

Well, what did you do?

Well, eventually I realized,

I'm an experimental physicist.

I can build anything I want
to protect my work.

And thanks to my kids,

I am very familiar with
the movie Home Alone.

After a lot of apologizing,
a little begging

and a note from my mother,

I was allowed to keep
my role on the team.

When Captain Kirk
faced the no-win scenario,

he didn't have blue
and yellow snot for a week.

Ew.

Sounds like the ocean.

Oh, it is very relaxing.

Kind of makes

the rest of the kitchen
look trashy.

Ooh, it has
a temperature boost sensor.

What's that?

It makes sure
the water is heated

to the correct temperature
for ideal cleaning

and drying results.
Ooh.

Where are you going?

You're gonna miss
the rinse cycle.

I'm not missing anything.

Oh, it beeped. Look up "beep."

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