Young Sheldon (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - A Solar Calculator, a Game Ball, and a Cheerleader's Bosom - full transcript

In Texas, the Holy Trinity is God,

football and barbeque,

not necessarily in that order.

I don't care if you win,
just cover the damn spread.

Mom, are you betting again?

No.

Fans on their feet,

trying to urge the defense on.

Fourth down.

Gotta punt.

Gotta.

Statistically, always
punting on fourth down

makes no sense.

Statistically, you're a dumb-ass.

When the Aggies give up the ball

on their own fiveyard line,

the opposing team has a
92% chance of scoring.

When they punt from deep
in their own territory,

the other team still has
a 77% chance of scoring.

But since they convert on
fourth down 50% of the time,

the math says they should never punt again.

Okay, you can tell me,

who's his real daddy?

Sheldon, I've been playing and
coaching football all my life.

I don't think your math is right.

Really?

Hang on.

No, it's right.

Able to hold A&M to a field goal,

they'll only be down six points.

Is it your dentist?

The little guy with the glasses?

You can tell me.

I got to tell you, I'm a little
worried about my mother.

She keeps betting on these football games,

next thing you know,
there's an Italian fella

driving off with her pickup truck.

You think Sheldon's right?

About what?

The punting and the math.

I should think so.

He's been doing our taxes
since he's six years old.

We never been audited.

That's true.

He even got us that nice refund last year.

How come Mom's not taking me to school?

'Cause once in a while,

your dad wants to spend some time with you.

My little Shelman.

But Mom's car has a backseat.

Statistically, I'm much safer there.

Hey, I'm glad you brought up statistically.

You think those numbers you
talked about for Texas A&M

would apply to my JV squad?

I don't see why not.

Unlike our former principal,
math doesn't discriminate.

You're not thinking about
taking his advice, are you?

- Never you mind.
- But he's wrong.

Everybody knows you punt on fourth down.

Why does everybody knowing
something make it right?

Because.

That's what makes this country great.

Many years later,

my brother would use this same argument

in front of a judge.

He was still convicted for
urinating in a phone booth.

Damn it.

I'll send in the punting team.

Hang on. Hang on.

What?

Let's go for it.

Why? We got plenty of time.

I know. Still want to go for it.

We're on the 12yard line.
Everybody know you punt.

Why does everybody knowing
something make it right?

But we're on the 12yard line, Coach.

Okay, Coach says we're going for it.

Stupid brother.

- What?
- Nothing.

Power left jumbo on two, on two.
Ready, break!

And your Wolves are going
for it on fourth down.

What the hell? Punt!

Statistically, they're
better off going for it.

- Says who?
- My little boy.

That's why everybody punts.

That was just plain foolishness.

Your little boy's a real genius.

Well, actually he is.

Come on.

Too many men on the field, defense.

Replay fourth down.

Thank you, Jesus.

Now, can I send in the punt team?

Coach?

And they're going for it again.

What the hell? Punt!

Remind me to tell you about the
tax refund I got from the IRS.

Set. Hut!

Go, go, go, go, go, go!

Go! Whoo!

Go, go, go! Go!

He's at the 30, the 20, the 10.

Touchdown, Wolves!

I never had any doubt, Coach.
Never had any doubt.

Booyah! Yes.

Sweet dreams, baby.

Night, Meemaw.

Can I ask you a favor?

- Sure. What?
- You know those statistics

that you were talking about with your dad?

Could... could that be applied to, say,

who might win the
CowboysPackers game next week?

And, more specifically, by how much?

I suppose with enough data I
could make a reasonable guess.

I don't want a guess, I want to know.

Mom said you're not supposed to gamble.

Sleep, child!

- Mom?
- In here!

I'll get those numbers to you tomorrow.

Just tucking him in.

I got something for you.

It's dirty.

Well, that's 'cause it's the game ball.

And you earned it, 'cause
you helped us win.

Okay, but can you wash it?

Sheldon, your daddy's telling
you he's proud of you.

I see. Thank you, Dad.

You're welcome.

I'm still never touching that.

Let's go wipe it off.

For the next five weeks,

I continued to help my
father apply statistics

to coach his team.

Not surprisingly, they continued to win,

which changed my status in
the school dramatically.

- There he is!
- Yo, Sheldon!

Sheldog!

Math man!

Hey, cutie.

It was a nightmare.

Sheldog!

Hugging, hair tousling, high fives.

And as my popularity grew,
so did my time aloft.

Hey, I've been looking all over for you.

Do you know how popular we are?

- We?
- Yeah.

I put the word out I was helping
you with the football stats.

And since I'm Asian, they bought it.

Well, I'm glad you're enjoying it.

You're not?

I was touched 82 times this afternoon.

What do you mean, "touched"?

Not inappropriately.

Joyfully.

Affectionately.

A cheerleader hugged me to her bosom.

That's amazing.

No more high fives.

I can't keep washing my hands.

There's my little assistant coach.

Hello, Dad.

You have any more, arithmetic ideas

for next week's game?

I do, but I'm trying to finish my homework.

Looks complicated.

Advanced chemistry. It's not.

What are you guys doing?

Your brother and I are gonna
knock around a few ideas

for the Freeport game.

Can I help?

Actually, yeah. Run out to my truck.

There's a little, pocket
calculator on my front seat.

I got you a present.

Thought it might help with your figuring.

I don't need a calculator, Dad. I am one.

Sure.

Go get it anyway.

It's solarpowered.

Can you imagine that?

Georgie, turn that down!

What?

And look at this room. You
need to clean this mess up.

I'll get to it later.

No, you'll get to it now.

I don't feel like it.

Well, your feelings have
nothing to do with it.

And stop throwing that ball.

My room bothers you so much, you clean it.

That's it! You are grounded! You hear me?!

The hell?

There's my little Moonpie.

Did you get a chance to look
at this week's games for me?

Not yet.
- You understand there's a little time crunch involved.

Meemaw's got some outstanding
loans I need to pay back.

I'm sorry, I have to finish my homework

and then I have to help my dad.

Come on.

I'm your meemaw.

I make you cookies.

How 'bout a little quid pro quo?

As much as I enjoy your use of Latin, no.

Shelly, time to get ready for bed.

But I'm not done.

Don't you sass me, too, young man.

Brush your teeth and get to bed.

I think your anger might
be a little misdirected.

Don't you start with me either.

Now, see, you're still shootin' wide.

Good evening, Mrs. Cooper.

Can I speak to Sheldon?

No, you can't speak to Sheldon.

It's late. He's in bed.

I was hoping he might like
to go to a party with me.

Has everyone lost their mind?

He's a little boy, Tam!

Good night!

Good Lord, that mouth of yours
is a machine gun tonight.

What are you doing?

Trying to calculate the
odds of the Dolphins

covering the spread next Sunday.

I like dolphins.

They talk out of that hole in their head.

Hello.

Tam?

What are you doing here?

Would you like to go to a party with me?

I don't want to go to a party with anyone.

I would!

Please, Sheldon.

It's right across the street.

Just get me in, and you can go back to bed.

I have to ask my mom.

No need. She knows all about the party.

All right, then.

I need a minute to change.

- Why are you wearing that?
- It makes me look older.

Just so we're clear, once you get in,

I'm going home.

Hey! Sheldon!

What are you doing?

Hey, everybody, check it out!
Sheldon's here!

I hope that doesn't wake up the kids.

Should I go over there and say something?

I think you should.

I was bluffin'.

Don't make me put my socks back on.

Never mind.

Good night.

Good night.

I feel bad about yelling at Georgie.

He deserved it.

You should do it more.

I think he's feeling left out

now that you and Sheldon are
spending so much time together.

Are you kiddin' me?

You're always saying to find
something in common with Sheldon.

And now that I have, you're
telling me I'm ignoring Georgie?

I'm not saying that.

I'm just reminding you

that you got two sons.

I know.

I also got a daughter I need
to spend more time with.

You do.

But I wouldn't worry about her.

She's an angel.

Sheldon! Sheldon! Sheldon!

- Put me down!
- Sheldon! Sheldon!

I said put me down.

Put me down! I'm not enjoying this!

Missy, what are you doing here?!

Cuttin' loose. What are you doing here?

Slowly! Slowly!

Slowly!

You, too?!

Hello, Georgie!

You're not supposed to be here.

Neither are you! You're grounded!

Come on.

Both of you are going home. Now.

- Thank goodness.
- Aw.

How's puberty treating you?

Because it is knocking me for a loop.

Right?

Somehow, my parents didn't find
out about me partying heartily.

But I did pay a price

for burning the candle at both ends.

I made a mistake on a math test.

In my exhaustion, I did all
the calculations in my head,

and, like a common zoo animal,
forgot to show my work.

I just saw one of those
girls from the party,

and she acknowledged my
existence by doing this.

I've never felt so alive.

Are you okay?

No, I'm not.

Yeah, so?

A Bplus... that's the beginning of the end.

The end of what?

My life.

If I don't make some changes,
who knows how far I'll fall.

I could wind up a drug addict, or a lawyer.

Is it possible you're overreacting?

No. Starting today, I'm done
helping the football team.

But if you do that, girls will
no longer greet me like this.

I'll greet you like that.

It's not the same.

Extricating myself from this situation

was not going to be easy.

My father was counting on me,
Meemaw was counting on me,

the school was counting on me.

After much thought, I decided to employ

the one strategic maneuver
I knew I could count on.

I tattled.

Mom?

Sheldon got a Bplus!
That's terrible for him!

I'm very disappointed in all three of you.

That is right. Missy, this
is for your ballet class.

We do not go to parties.

I am very disappointed.

Got to go pick up some equipment
for the team; You want to join me?

Can't. I'm grounded.

Yeah, well...

I won't tell if you won't.

Sheldon going?

That little snitch? Absolutely not.

Sheldon still gonna help you with the math?

I don't think so.

But I did hear his little
Asian friend can do it.

Hello.

So...

Oilers are a fourpoint favorite
for this Sunday's game,

but it's a home game, so I'm
thinking I give the points.

What do you think?

I think I have to tell on you again.

Go ahead. What's your
mama gonna do, ground me?

Take the Oilers, give the points.

I love you, Moonpie.

For the record, the Oilers lost that game

by four touchdowns.

Meemaw never asked for my advice again.

Come on, come on, come on. Damn it!

Okay.

One more time.

Mama needs a new Jet Ski!

And...

rat bastard!

How you doin' there, Connie?

Hey, Vincent.

What brings you to Louisiana?

Wait, don't tell me.

You're here to see Tony Orlando.

'Fraid not.

Well, you ought to check him out.

He'll, knock your socks off.

I like my socks on.

Connie, you're putting me
in a very awkward position.

I won a toaster oven playing keno.

You want it?

I got one.

I want my money.

All right.

Hang on.

That's a very nice jacket.

You're looking dapper.

Hey, they comp my room here.

They do that for you?

Actually, they frown upon my presence here.

I also get a coupon for
the breakfast buffet.

You should look into that.

Constance!

Patience, Vincenzo.

Yes!

All right, now we're talking.

Will you take a down payment in quarters?

Do I have a choice?

Start scoopin'.

I got to go see Tony Orlando.

Hey, I need another cup!