Young Sheldon (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 16 - Killer Asteroids, Oklahoma, and a Frizzy Hair Machine - full transcript

♪ ♪

ADULT SHELDON: On any given day,

our school gymnasium

presented a cocktail of horrors.

[SCREAMS]

From daily humiliation...

to school-sanctioned violence...

BOY: Oh!

But one day a year, the
gymnasium was transformed

into a haven of learning

thanks to a remarkable institution

known as the science fair.

A chance for the student
body to come together

in the name of research and progress.

Uh, while some did the bare minimum...

[BURPS]

and others preferred
razzamatazz over raw data,

I set out to save humanity
from deadly asteroids.

And made it all neatly fit
on three poster boards.

The science fair may be a competition,

but when the goal is promoting
knowledge, we're all winners.

PETERSEN: And the winner

of the Medford High
School Science Fair is...

SueAnn Ludlow!

You've got to be kidding me!

Shelly.

[APPLAUSE]

You people are crazy!

- Hey.
- All right.

SHELDON: You're celebrating mediocrity!

Mediocrity!

Mediocrity!

♪ Nobody else is stronger than I am ♪

♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪

♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪

♪ I am a mighty little man ♪

I'll be in my room.

Oh, come on, Shelly.

You still got an honorable mention.

Stop reminding me.

[SIGHS]

I hate to see him so upset.

Well, give him a little
time, he'll calm down.

[DOOR SLAMS]

SHELDON: Fiddle-faddle!

The F word.

He's real mad.

You don't always win in
life, he needs to learn that.

I know, but these are big
feelings for a little boy.

They're feelings everybody has.

It's part of growing up.

I guess.

SHELDON: Poodle poop!

MEEMAW: Okay.

Somebody's got to
teach this kid to swear,

it's embarrassing.

Sheldon, listen,

I know losing ain't easy.

I deal with it on the
football field all the time.

[CHUCKLES]

It's like that big game we had
last year against Nacogdoches.

We were down 28 points at the half.

It was raining, it was muddy.

Everybody in the stands had gone home.

But somehow, we managed
to claw our way back

to a tie with a minute left.

And then, they threw a Hail Mary,

and the receiver stepped out of bounds,

but the ref didn't see it.

After all that, we lose on a bad call.

Believe me, I was furious.

But I sucked it up,

and I walked across that
field and I shook their hands.

I didn't hear a word you said.

Okay.

So while an animal cell has a membrane,

a plant cell has a
membrane and a cell wall.

SHELDON: Who cares?

Sheldon, what are you doing?

Being disrespectful, sir.

Ah. How come?

Because I'm disillusioned
with the school system.

Georgie, do you know
what's going on with him?

Actually, I'm trying to ignore it.

Well, get your feet off the desk.

What if I don't?

I was sent to see Principal Petersen.

What is it this time?

Youthful rebellion.

My voice hasn't changed
yet, but my attitude has.

I'll let him know you're here.

You do that.

Ma'am.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Sheldon Cooper's outside.

Who sent him now?

- Givens.
- Well, you know what?

Givens needs to man up.

Cooper's a little boy.

It's not hard to handle him.

I'll send him in.

H-Hold on a minute, just...

Does he know I'm in here?

SHELDON [OVER P.A.]:
Attention, students and faculty.

Oh, no.

This is Sheldon Lee Cooper.

What the hell?

We're taught that hard work
pays off, but that's not true.

I came up with a solution to save Earth

from killer asteroids,

and lost the science fair

to SueAnn Ludlow, and
her frizzy hair machine.

But it wasn't just me
who lost, we all lost.

Wake up, people.

The system's broken.

Real innovation isn't valued.

Nowadays, it's all
about flash and style.

I blame MTV.

Luckily, my parents can't afford cable.

We can afford it.

I urge you all to rise up.

[GRUNTS]

They can't send everyone
to the principal's office.

Chew gum in class, use
a number one pencil,

go nuts.

This is Sheldon Lee Cooper signing off.

Live long and prosper.

You better run, you little punk!

[GRUNTING]

MEEMAW: I can't believe you sent
him to bed without his dinner.

That's right.

On spaghetti and hot dog night.

- That's rough.
- He's got to learn.

Let's talk about something else.

Georgie, how was your day?

My brother told the entire
school we can't afford cable.

Oh, right.

Missy?

Good, until I learned
we can't afford cable.

[SIGHS]

I've been thinking, and there's
something I'd like to say.

Unless it's an apology,
I don't want to hear it.

I'm quitting science.

Not an apology.

Spank him, Dad.

I'm really getting worried about Shelly.

Acting out, and now quitting science?

Oh, I'm sure he'll get right back to it.

I've quit smoking and
gambling plenty of times.

- Hmm.
- Look in my purse.

Nothing but cigarettes
and scratchers. [LAUGHS]

[SIGHS] Maybe he
should talk to somebody.

Not it.

I meant a professional, George.

But way to be a dad.

[DOOR OPENS]

Hey. [CHUCKLES]

Welcome back.

Thank you for seeing us on
such short notice, Doctor.

Oh, not a problem.

Sheldon,

I remember you.

Do you remember me?

I remember everything.

Okay.

Uh, you two, make
yourselves comfortable.

Me and my main man Sheldon are gonna go

have a little chitchat in my office.

I don't like chitchat,
and I'm not your main man.

Right on.

Have fun.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Now, Sheldon, I understand
you've changed your mind

about being a scientist.

And you're gonna say I can't?

No. I think that's great.

- You do?
- Yeah.

I think it's important
to keep your options open.

Let me tell you a little story

about an extremely smart young boy.

Me?

Me.

For the longest time,

I thought I was gonna be

a professional figure skater.

And then you became disenchanted
with the field like I did?

Exactly.

Someone skated right over my foot.

And that was that.

I'm not sure that's the same thing.

I'd say you lost your passion
the way I lost my big toe.

Hmm.

Don't draw in that.

Hey. We're all done.

- How'd it go?
- Great.

I feel a lot better.

Well, that's just wonderful.

So, you're going back to science?

No. In fact, I'm going as far
away from science as possible.

I plan to pursue the arts.

What kind of arts?

I've decided to become an actor.

Of course you have.

Why's he want to study acting?

The doctor encouraged him
to try something different.

Maybe he'll learn to act normal.

How about you learn to act nice?

You people don't appreciate
my sense of humor.

As long as he starts
behaving himself in school,

I don't care what he does.

You know, I actually did
a little community theater

back in my 20s.

Is that so?

I had a good part in Oklahoma.

♪ I'm just a girl who can't say no. ♪

Say no to what?

Well...

To, uh, eating her vegetables.

It was fun.

But I'm pretty sure doing plays

is just an excuse to change in
front of each other backstage.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Theater folk just love
to take their clothes off.

How many people saw you naked?

A lot.

- Mom.
- Enough.

Y'all don't understand

my sense of humor, either.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Hello. Are you Mr. Lundy?

My father is Mr. Lundy.

Well, then what should I call you?

I guess Mr. Lundy.

My father's dead. [LAUGHS]

I was told you're the head
of the drama department.

Mm-hmm, and the girls'
volleyball coach,

which, between us, is
the real drama department.

Was that a joke?

I thought so.

Can I help you?

I'm interested in becoming an actor.

Well, good for you.

You've come to the right place.

You know, I-I've been
a professional actor

for years and years.

Really? What have you been in?

Well, have you seen the
mattress madness commercials

on channel 68?

I'm soft and firm

in all the right places.

Wow. You're famous.

Well, I...

And I was Carbucketty

in the Dallas-Fort Worth Players
production of Cats.

[PURRS]

[LAUGHS] Did you see that?

No, I'm afraid of cats.

Well, you realize the
cats are just the actors.

I still wouldn't risk it.

You're an odd boy, but you make it work.

[CHUCKLES]

Anyway, uh, auditions are next week.

- You're welcome to come on by.
- Excellent.

I checked out a book on acting

so I should have the hang of it by then.

Well, I like that confidence.

Thank you. Most people
find it off-putting.

I can see that.

ADULT SHELDON: To master
acting, I immersed myself

in all forms of the
genre, from silent films

to modern classics...

to logic-defying experimental work.

♪ It's great to stay up late... ♪

Why are they all singing?

[MOUTH FULL]: Because it's a musical.

But why can't they just say it?

Well, that wouldn't be
very musical, would it?

♪ The stars were shining bright... ♪

And where is the music coming from?

You're thinking about it too much.

♪ So, good morning ♪

♪ Good morning... ♪

And how do they all know the same dance?

- Come on.
- Moonpie.

♪ To you and you and you and you. ♪

ANNOUNCER: And it is intercepted.

Walking in is Kevin
Smith for the touchdown.

What are you looking for?

A brooch.

What's a brooch?

It's a piece of jewelry.

In my acting book, there's an exercise

where you look for a missing
brooch in a convincing way.

Why?

According to the story, it
was given to me by a friend

so I could afford to stay in
drama school, but now it's gone.

Well, good luck finding it.

Thanks.

Wait.

You really believed I
was looking for something.

I did it.

I'm an actor.

You're a freak.

Oh, where the heck is that brooch?

GIRL: If I can change,

and you can change,

everybody can change.

Thank you, Eva.

That was a-a lovely
reading from Rocky IV.

All right, Mr. Cooper.

The stage is yours.

Thank you.

I'd like to begin with a
monologue from King Lear.

What?

I believe you're supposed
to say "break a leg."

Sorry.

Break a leg.

Poor naked wretches, whereso'er you are,

that bide the pelting
of this pitiless storm.

How shall your houseless
heads and unfed sides,

your looped and windowed
raggedness defend you

from seasons such as these?

Oh, I've ta'en too little care of this.

Take physic, pomp.

Expose thyself to feel
what wretches feel,

that thou may shake
the superflux to them

and show the heavens more just.

Holy mackerel.

♪ Don't cry for me, Argentina ♪

♪ The truth is I never left you ♪

♪ All through my wild days ♪

♪ My mad existence ♪

♪ I kept my promise ♪

♪ Don't keep ♪

♪ Your distance... ♪

[”I'VE GOT RHYTHM” PLAYING ON PIANO]

♪ I've got daisies ♪

♪ In green pastures ♪

♪ I've got my girl ♪

♪ Who could ask for anything more ♪

♪ Old man trouble ♪

♪ I don't mind him ♪

♪ You won't find him ♪

♪ Hanging 'round my door ♪

♪ I've got starlight ♪

♪ I've got sweet dreams ♪

♪ I've got my star ♪

♪ Who could ask for anything more? ♪

♪ Who could ask for ♪

♪ Anything more? ♪

Ah. [WHOOPS]

That looked dangerous.

No, that looks dangerous.

We're back.

Hey. How'd the audition go?

Great. I got the lead.

You're kidding.

What's the play?

Annie.

I need to go learn my lines.

Now, I was a little unsure at first,

but Sandy Duncan does play Peter Pan,

so when you think about it...

Connie, you're not helping.

Okay.

[SIGHS]

Hey.

Hello.

[SIGHS] I want to talk
to you about this play.

I'm excited about it, too.

You know, if you play
the part of a girl,

people might make fun of you.

Mr. Lundy's trying
to push the boundaries

of drama in East Texas.

One way to do that is
cross-gender casting.

Let me rephrase that:

if you play the part of a girl,
people will make fun of you.

In Shakespeare's time, the men
played all the female parts.

No one made fun of it.

If Shakespeare went
to public high school,

it'd be a different story.

You know, Sandy Duncan plays
the part of Peter Pan...

Yeah, yeah, I heard.

[EXHALES]

I'm trying to protect you, son.

I appreciate that.

Good.

You're a football coach.

Isn't it your responsibility

to put in the best player for the job?

I guess.

Well, I want to do this,

and Mr. Lundy said I was the best.

Okay.

Can you at least wear
pants instead of a dress?

I'll give you a definite maybe.

Okay, who's excited?

I don't want to see Sheldon's
stupid play, it's humiliating.

That's why I want to see it.

We're going to support your brother.

Not another word about it.

Can we at least sit in the back?

Not a word.

Well, I'm excited.

Okay, everybody, ten minutes to curtain.

No smiling, girls,
it's a hard knock life.

How you doing, Mr. Cooper?

You in touch with your inner Annie?

I believe so.

Good. It's a packed house.

[LAUGHS]

Wha... oh, what the heck?

Katie? Katie. You're an orphan,

sweetheart, not a coal miner.

Let's tone that down, hmm?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[HEART BEATING RAPIDLY]

♪ ♪

Oh, dear.

I can't do this.

What are you talking about?

The play, I can't do it.

There are too many people out there.

Oh, that is just stage fright.

That's completely normal.

No, this is a full-blown panic attack.

All right, listen to me.

You're feeling scared.

I get that, but what
you have to understand

is you're not going
out on that stage alone.

Everybody, gather around, hmm?

Uh, Sheldon,

have you ever been to the circus?

- Yes.
- Okay, good.

I had a panic attack there, too.

My point is,

the trapeze artist
always performs with a net

to catch him, to protect him.

And you are protected by
everyone standing here.

Nothing can happen to
you out on that stage,

because we're a team.

We are your net.

I don't know.

[SIGHS]

Sheldon, come here.

You...

are a star,

and that audience

deserves to see you shine.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

ADULT SHELDON: Mr. Lundy
gave a compelling speech.

The audience did deserve
to see what they came for,

an eager boy bravely taking on

the role of Little Orphan Annie.

You're looking for a knuckle sandwich.

And in that respect, they
were not disappointed.

Pipe down, all of you.

Go back to sleep.

It's all right, Molly.

Annie's here.

[LAUGHTER]

Oh, thank God.

I'd tell you how an East Texas
audience in 1989 responded

to a grown man playing Annie,

but I think you know.

Mm-hmm.

[WHISPERS]: What's my line?

♪ The sun come out tomorrow ♪

♪ Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow ♪

♪ There'll be sun ♪

♪ When I'm stuck with
a day that's gray ♪

♪ And lonely ♪

♪ I just stick out my chin and grin ♪

♪ And say ♪

♪ Oh... ♪

I think I see his underpants.

I told you.

Theatre folk just love to
show off their business.

♪ Always a day away ♪

♪ Tomorrow, tomorrow ♪

♪ I love you, tomorrow ♪

♪ You're always a day ♪

♪ Away. ♪