Young Sheldon (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

9-year-old Sheldon Cooper learns that having a brilliant mind doesn't always help growing up in Texas.

(train chugging)

(train whistle blows)

ADULT SHELDON: I've always loved trains.

In fact, if my career

in theoretical physics hadn't
worked out, my backup plan

was to become a
professional ticket taker.

Or hobo.

(train whistle blows)


And when I figured out
that trains allowed me

to prove
Newton's first law...

An object in motion
stays in motion

with the same speed and
in the same direction

unless acted upon by
an unbalanced force...

I felt like
Neil Armstrong on the moon,

alone and happy.

MARY: Shelly, dinner's ready!

♪ Be-bop-a-lula, baby, what I say ♪

(giggles) I don't care
how dimwitted you are.

Scientific principles
have to make you smile.

Of course, nobody
I knew in East Texas

in 1989 cared about
Newtonian physics.

The only Newtons
they cared about

were Wayne and Fig.

MISSY: Sheldon, if you don't get in here,

- I'm gonna lick your toothbrush!
- Coming!

That's my sister.

And she's done it before.

♪ Do the walk of life ♪

♪ Yeah, he do the walk of life. ♪

The hell were you doing

- out there?
- George,


What language? So?

I was exploring
dimensional kinematics.

Admit it... He's adopted.

SHELDON: How can I be adopted

when I have a twin sister?

Think, monkey, think.

MARY: That's enough.

No one's adopted.

I wish I was.

That can still be arranged.

Now, let's pray.

A moment, please.


- Leave him be.
- He can hold hands

with his family.
It won't kill him.

We don't know that.

Georgie, did you wash
your hands before dinner?

Or even this week?

None of your business.

Hence the mittens.

MARY: Thank you, God, for this food

we're about to receive and for
the nourishment of our bodies,

and bless the hands
that prepared it.

ALL: Amen.

How come we ain't
got no tater tots?

I made tater tots last night.

GEORGE: I'd take tater tots

over mashed potaters any day.

- Just eat what I made you.
- Can we at least

have tater tots tomorrow?

family dinners like this

that led me to adopt
a mid-Atlantic accent.

Nobel Prize winners...

(Southern accent) ought not
be orderin' tater tots.

Everybody excited to
start school Monday?

I am.

I guess so.

MARY: Georgie?

Freshman year,
that's a big deal.

How can I be excited
when he's gonna be

in the same grade as me?

SHELDON: Don't worry,
Georgie, I'm not planning

on being in the ninth
grade for very long.

All I know is he's not in
the same grade as me anymore,

and I'm thrilled.

Good luck with
your finger painting.

You're gonna get your
ass kicked in high school.

MARY: Hey, language.

I'm not going to be assaulted.

High school is a haven
for higher learning.

Oh, dear God.

Speaking of God,
who's going to church

- with me tomorrow?
- GEORGE SR.: I can't.

I'm meeting with
the other coaches.

You can't meet
after church?

No, Mary, I can't
meet after church.


I got to study
my playbook.

I'll go with you, Mom.

MISSY: Why are you going?

- You don't believe in God.
- No,

but I believe in Mom.

I'll take it. Missy?

Can't, Heather asked me to...

- You're goin'.
- Son of a bitch.

- Hey.
- Ow!


MARY: Missy... (gasps) Don't you

throw something at the
dinner table. George Jr.

ADULT SHELDON: Jane Goodall had
to go to Africa to study apes.


I just had to
go to dinner.

Never at the dinner table!

You knock that off, George!

D-Do not retaliate!

ALL: ♪ Onward, Christian soldiers ♪

♪ Marching as to war ♪

♪ With the cross of Jesus ♪

♪ Going on before. ♪

In Matthew nine, verse four,
Jesus said,

"Why would you entertain
evil thoughts in your hearts?"

- (quietly) Do you have evil thoughts?
- Shh.

I just don't think
this part applies to me.

That's fine.
Be quiet and listen.

I'm only nine years old.

Most evil doesn't
start till puberty.

(clears throat)


Philippians 4:8,

"Finally, brothers, whatever is..."

Do you have evil thoughts?

I'm having one right now.

Really? What is it?

When we get home, I'm gonna
kick your little balls.

You can't.
They haven't descended yet.

- Mom?
- What?

When should I be
expecting my testicles?

"...whatever is admirable..."

What is wrong with him?

Nothin' is wrong with him.

Now, turn around before
I knock your lights out.

PASTOR: think continually
on these things.

A good thought leads

to a good thing.

You feel it in your body.
You feel it in your...

was my Christian soldier.

Leads to evil things
and sits there and...

And for the record, they
descended when I was 15.



Shelly, it's your last day of
summer. Go out and enjoy it.

But I have to learn
the student handbook.

Ooh, did you know extreme hairstyles,

goatees and mustaches are not allowed?

I didn't. I personally
find that very reassuring.

Look what a beautiful day it is.

(loud whirring)

(tires screeching)

(deep barking)

Go play.

"Go play"... if only
life were that simple.

There, I played.

Hey, Sheldon!

Hello, Billy Sparks.

- Hello, Matilda Sparks.
- I heard

- you're going to high school tomorrow.
- I am.

You're going to have
to find someone else

to torment on the playground.


(sighs) It means to
maliciously harass.

"Her ass"? (chuckles)

That's funny.

Well, this was nice.

Hey, doofus!



- Good girl.
- Mom!

MARY: What am I supposed
to do? His feet are growing.

GEORGE SR.: Why can't he
wear Georgie's old shoes?

MARY: He won't hold your hand.

You think he's gonna put his feet

in his brother's smelly shoes?

GEORGE SR.: Well, we damn
well better cut back somewhere.

MARY: Will you please
keep your voice down?

(door shuts)

They're fighting about you again.

They're fighting about money.

It's a common argument in marriages.

(door opens)

Lights out.

Big day tomorrow.



Do we have financial problems?

Don't you worry about that.

We are fine.

Now, go to sleep.


She's lying. She just said
that to make you feel better.

Mom doesn't lie.

Sure, she thinks

the Earth was made in six days,

but that's 'cause she's
gullible, not a liar.


Sheldon can't find his bowtie.

Really? I laid it out for him.

Leave it alone, Mary.
He doesn't need a bowtie.

It's his first day of school.
Let him wear what he wants.

SHELDON: Mom, I can't find my bowtie!

Dear Lord, why's he
got to wear a bowtie?

Can I drive in with you?


Everybody's gonna
know he's your brother.

It's gonna be awful for you.

Tell her to shut up.

She's not wrong.

(TV plays quietly)

- It's got to be here.
- SHELDON: It's not.

- It's not!
Shelly, stay calm. We'll find it.

- My tie is gone! My tie is gone!
- Shelly,

you don't really need a tie.

I have to find my tie.
I have to find my tie.

Be right back.

Professor Proton wears a bowtie!

George Junior,

- give me back that bowtie right now!
- I didn't take it!

- Don't you lie to me!
- I'm not lying!

- We'll see about that.
- Stay out of my room!

She's gonna find
your dirty magazines.

Shut up!

You are not having a good day.





Hey. Hey, he didn't take it.

- Then what happened to it?!
- SHELDON: Help me find my bowtie!

I'll check in the bathroom!

I took it.

- Why would you do that?
- Mary,

the boy is nine years old
and going into high school.

Isn't that weird enough?

Give it to me. Come on.

It's not just Sheldon.

Georgie's gonna be
in class with him.

Not in the bathroom!

Give it.

♪ Think about it ♪

♪ There must be higher love ♪

♪ Down in the heart or
hidden in the stars above ♪

Would you like to play a driving game?

Not really. I always lose.

- I know. That's why it's fun.
- (laughs)

How about license
plates with prime numbers

- followed by a cons...?
- Why don't we just talk?

Very well.

You understand

that some people are
gonna be intimidated by you

'cause of how smart you are?

Or maybe they'll
recognize my intellect

and make me their leader.

Lord, look after my son.

Don't let him get
stuffed in a gym bag.

♪ Bring me a higher love, oh, oh ♪

♪ Bring me a higher love... ♪

(distorted sounds and voices)

(distorted speech)

Oh, dear.


That boy has an exposed tattoo.

He does.

I wonder if he knows

that's in violation
of the dress code.

Speaking of which, how
about we lose the bowtie?


Look around, honey. None of
the other kids are wearing one.

Well, perhaps I'll start a fad.

No, you won't.
Please trust Mommy.

All right, tell you what.

You take it off,
and this weekend,

I'll take you to RadioShack.


(bell ringing)

(indistinct chatter)


You doing okay?

I guess.


I smell ammonia.

They must've done a
thorough cleaning recently.

I like that.

MARY: And remember, if anybody
bothers you, what do you say?

My dad's a football coach.

And? My brother's
a football player.


Hey, Mom, look.

That girl's pregnant.


(toilet flushing)

Well, that was revolting.

All right. This is your homeroom.

Do you want me to go in with you?

No. Although I could've
used you in the restroom.

Okay, well...

You have a good day.

And I'll pick you up after school,

same door we came in.

Are you crying or
having an allergy attack?


It's probably the ammonia.

Probably. (sniffles)

Okay. Let the learning begin.


All right, everybody,
my name is Ms. MacElroy.

In addition to being
your homeroom teacher,

I'll be seeing some of
you in my English class,

and some of you on
the volleyball court.

Just to give you
a little history,

I've been here at
Medford for 29 years...

I taught some of your
older brothers and sisters,

and sadly, some of your parents.

Not much I haven't seen.

Until today.

I'm sure you're well aware
we have a student with us,

who, despite his young age,

is remarkably gifted.

And I expect y'all to
make him feel welcome.

Yes, Sheldon?

Per the student dress
and grooming code,

this boy's hair is too long,

this boy is wearing sports attire

outside of a designated area

and this girl's blouse is diaphanous,

which means I can
see her brassiere.

- (laughter)
- Thank you.

I will take that into account.

All right.

We have a few minutes
before first period.

I need y'all to
fill out these forms.


Also in violation

of the grooming code on page 48,

article five, subsection B,

you have a bit of a mustache.


This is a stupid idea.
This boy does not

belong in our school.

PETERSEN: Come on Vicky,
it's just the first day.

Why don't we all just
take a deep breath here?

The hell with that. Five
minutes into my math class,

he questioned my credentials.

How am I supposed to control a
classroom when a kid accuses me

of being in breach of
the hygiene code?

Well, Hubert, it wouldn't
kill you to shower

a little more often. George,
you want to weigh in here?

- Well...
- INGRAM: Oral Roberts University

is a wonderful school.

He said I was intimidated
by his intelligence,

and then,

he offered to be my "leader."

(clears throat)

(playing Mozart's Sonata in D)

(piano playing)

(stops playing)

Do you know this sonata?


How long have you
played the piano?

I don't play piano.


you got any thoughts here?

I certainly do.

Mary, tell him.

It's simple.
We don't have a choice.

Well, you gave it a shot.

We wish you luck with
Sheldon elsewhere...

MARY: No, no, no.

We don't have a choice.

He's got to stay here.

We can't afford

private school.

I sure can't homeschool him.

He's doing calculus and
Euclidean something or other.

Euclidean geometry.

Guess where I learned that.

Yeah, yeah, we know.

All I care about is that

my son gets the education
he deserves, so you all

are gonna have to
figure this out.

Coach, can you help
me out here, please?

'Cause I'm dyin'.

I'd rather not.

G minor.


E flat.

C minor.

You have perfect pitch.


Sweetheart, you should
really pursue music.

No, thank you.
Musicians take drugs.

Is there a faculty
restroom I could use?

(whistle blows)

♪ Ooh... ♪


♪ Ooh... ♪

Cooper, Stinson, you're up.

(laughs) Hey, look,
it's the dumb brother.

- Okay.
- (blows whistle)

(grunting, yelling)

(whistle blowing)

BERGDOFF: That's enough. Hey.

(whistle blowing)

BERGDOFF: Hey, that's enough!

- Hey, hey!
- GEORGE SR.: That's enough!


Georgie! Georgie!

Stop! Stop!

What the hell is
wrong with you?

You okay?

No, I'm not okay.

Where you think
you're going?

I quit. I don't
want to play anymore!

- Since when?
- Since right now!

All right, what is going on?

What do you think's going on?!

You mean Sheldon?

You can't let that bother you.

It doesn't bother you?

You got called to the
principal's office.

Yeah, that wasn't so great.

I can't be in the
same school as him!

Well, I don't see
what choice you have.

Right. Ever since he could
talk, I quit having any choices.


I know it's hard.

I'm telling you, as your
coach, quit your whining,

get your uniform on and you
get your ass back out there.

But what about as my dad?

Your dad is having a bad day.

Listen to your coach.

Can a clock be powered
by an ordinary potato?

I hope so, boys and girls,

or this is going to be
a really boring episode.

The supplies you'll need...

Why can't we watch DuckTales?

'Cause we don't learn anything
watching DuckTales.

It's TV, we aren't supposed to learn.

Two alligator grips and, let's see...

Of course, a clock.

Missy, go somewhere else. I
need to talk to your brother.

Why don't you go somewhere
else and I can watch Duck...


I hate everybody.

It's time for science.

Hey, he was about to power
a clock with a potato.

Not possible.

- Now, listen...
- Am I in trouble?


Maybe. Just listen.

You're not gonna make
it in this school

if you keep ratting people out.

But they were breaking
the grooming codes

and the dress codes.

I saw one boy with
a T-shirt that said...

(whispering) "Bite me."

Yeah. That-that's terrible.

Sheldon, let me tell you
a little story.

Did you ever wonder why we
moved from Galveston to Medford?

No. I tend to wonder
about the bigger questions.

Okay, well, here's why.

Your dad had a real
good coaching job

and I saw some
grown-ups breaking rules.

What'd they do?

I-It's kind of complicated, but...

football coaches aren't
allowed to recruit kids

from other high schools
to play on their teams.

And you told on them?

Yeah. You know what happened?

Justice descended
upon the rule breakers?

I got fired, Sheldon.

And I got a bad reputation.

Oh. That's why
you drink so much beer.

Just do yourself a favor.

Okay? Go to school tomorrow,

and mind your own business.

All right?


Are you sad that
you got fired?

Mostly angry.

But yeah.

Maybe a little sad.

All right, let's say grace.

Thank you, God,

for this food
we are about to receive.

(muffled praying continues)

ADULT SHELDON: That was the first time

I held my father's hand.

MARY: our bodies and bless
the hands that prepared it.


- GEORGIE: Amen.
- Amen.

MARY: Hey, George Jr., wait your turn.

touch my brother's hand

until 17 years later,

thanks to the
invention of Purell.


You know what
I find comforting?

What's that, baby?

In a world filled
with uncertainty,

this place will
be here forever.

CLERK: Hey, Sheldon, how you doing?