You Rang, M'Lord? (1988–1993): Season 1, Episode 3 - Love and Money - full transcript

Lord George considers having Lady Lavender certified insane for giving Alf her shares but the butler refuses to part with them. James misinterprets the signs when Poppy asks him for a midnight feast together and Mrs. Lipton plays a trick on Teddy to stop him molesting Ivy. At a fancy dress party to celebrate the birthday of George's other daughter, the extremely masculine Cissie, Ivy tells Lord Ralph about his wife's affair with George, not knowing who he is.

♪ From Mayfair to Park Lane
You will hear this same refrain

♪ In every house again, again ♪

You rang, m'lord?

♪ Stepping out on the town
The social whirl goes round and round

♪ The rich are up, the poor are down ♪

You rang, m'lord?

♪ The Bunny Hug at the Shim Sham club
The Charleston at The Ritz

♪ And at the Troc do the Turkey Trot
They give Aunt Maude a thousand fits

♪ Saucy flappers in cloche hats
Natty chappies in white spats

♪ The upper set is going bats ♪

You rang, m'lord?

(Knocking at door)

Answer the door, Henry.
You've got to learn some time.

- Oh, it's you.
- Good afternoon.

- Hello, Mr P.
- Good afternoon.

Mrs Lipton, the man's here from
Teegean's, the grocers.

That's not a man, Henry. That's Mr Pearson.
Come in, Mr Pearson.

Good afternoon.

There's the tea, James. Ivy, you take
the cucumber sandwiches and the cakes

and then you can go help
Mr Stokes with the table.

Don't that sponge look lovely and light?

Thank you, Ivy.

It could float up into your mouth.

Yes, well, mind it doesn't float up
into your mouth, Ivy.

Open the door, Henry.

Yes, Mr Twelvetrees.

That plate of cucumber sandwiches
looks a bit top heavy.

I'll just take these two off.

We don't want them falling on the
drawing room carpet causing a stain, do we?

Can I have a taste of your most
excellent cherry cake, Mrs Lipton?

Yes, of course, Constable Wilson.
Help yourself.

Here's the grocery list, Mr Pearson.

There's quite a lot of it, isn't there?

Well, His Lordship's going to give
a birthday party for Miss Cissy.

A big do, is it?

Well, I reckon there'll be about 40 guests.
And they're all going to be in fancy dress.

Well, I hope none of them
is coming as a policeman.

This uniform is a sacred
symbol of our authority.

You can go into any cinema or music hall

and you will see so-called comedians
throwing custard pies all over us.

I mean, how can we uphold the law
when we're being made figures of fun?

You could hit them with your truncheon
like you usually do.

- Thank you, James. You pour, Poppy.
- Righto.

You should all have a
bit of the sponge cake.

It's so light it floats into your mouth.

That'll be all, Ivy.



You must excuse Ivy.
She's not been with us very long.

I think she's rather refreshing.

She is. Did you notice the shiny, scrubbed
face and the slight whiff of carbolic soap?


- Tea, Mr Franklyn?
- Thank you. I'm afraid I can't stop.

I'm a little late already.

Well, I'm glad you realise my position.

I must obey Lady Lavender's instructions to
draw up the deed of gift as soon as possible

unless you can prove
some sort of diminished responsibility.

Surely it's not very responsible of her to give
shares worth a small fortune to the servants.

Yes. One day she gave them to Ivy.

- The next she gave them to Stokes.
- Cissy.

It's not unheard of for an elderly person to give
substantial sums to those who serve them loyally.

They've only been with us two weeks.

I can delay things a little.

We lawyers are rather good
at that sort of thing.

In the meantime,
I suggest that you take medical advice

to ascertain whether some sort
of certificate could be attained

indicating Lady Lavender's
mental unbalance.

I've already spoken to our family doctor
and he's suggesting a brain doctor chappy.

- A psychiatrist?
- Yes, that's right.

It sounds a lot of mumbo jumbo to me,

but if he signs the paper,
then we can't afford to be too fussy.

I'll telephone you in a few days
to see what progress you've made.

- Can I come in?
- Yes, come in, Ivy.

- Is that solicitor still in the drawing room?
- I think so.

Damn! What are they talking about?

I didn't hear. Mrs Lipton sent
me to help you with the table.

Good. I need a hand with the cloth.

Dad, I've been trying
to talk to you all day.

Stop calling me Dad.

Well, I'm sorry, but it's
The Honourable Teddy.

He's still at it. He's still after me.

What are you worrying about?
I put a bolt on your door.

He couldn't get in last night, could he?

He couldn't get in the door
so he crawled along the parapet

and tried to get in me window.

It was awful, Dad.

I saw this white face with its nose
pressed to the glass.

It said, "Ivy, I love you. I love you.
Open the window."

- You didn't, did you?
- I didn't know what to do.

He said, "If you don't open the window,
I shall throw myself off the parapet."

- I still didn't let him in.
- Good for you. It's disgraceful.

I feel a bit sorry for him, Dad.

He put his hands together like he
was pleading with me and he said,

"Take me in. Take me in."

He looked ever so pathetic.

Don't get sorry for him. That's
how he gets these girls into trouble.

By looking pathetic.

I'm not cut out for this life.

- Take me home, Dad.
- Oh, listen, Ivy.

With a bit of luck I'll be getting those
shares off Lady Lavender pretty soon.

We've got to hang on a bit, love.

It's a chance in a lifetime.

Well, if I stay, you've got to do
something to stop him.


I've just been serving tea
in the drawing room.

What an exciting life you lead, James.

I overheard a very interesting conversation
with Mr Franklyn, the solicitor.

- Oh, yes?
- Yes.

It seems that Lady Lavender
has come under the influence

of a certain conniving member of the staff

who has persuaded her
to part with some valuable shares.

Dear, dear, dear.

I wonder who that can be.

Your guess is as good as mine, Alf Stokes,
but he's not going to get away with it

because His Lordship is taking steps to
have Lady Lavender declared of unsound mind.

The poor soul.

She doesn't mean any harm.

That's not what you said when she threw
her breakfast at you this morning.

Well, I didn't mind the bacon and eggs.
It's the plates that hurt.

Some people come to houses like this

and think they can hoodwink their betters
to their own advantage.

When will they ever learn
to keep their station in life

and to accept the hand
that the good Lord has dealt them?

Ain't he got a lovely speaking voice
when he's speaking?

Listen, Ivy. I've never hoodwinked anybody.

She gave me those shares
of her own free will.

Well, she is a bit funny, Dad.
She gives anybody anything.

I'd only known her three days
and she gave me her bed.

Well, I'm not losing those shares.

I'm going to tell Lady Lavender
what they're up to. Come on.

It's all very well, Daddy,
but it's my party.

Why do we have to have any of your friends?

You don't understand, Cissy. Sir Jason
Capstick is a very senior civil servant

who could help me
with my Union Jack Rubber company.

The right word from him
in the right quarters

and we could supply the whole
of the armed forces.

What with?

It's confidential.

Is it a new war weapon?

More a defence system really.

Anyway, it's a big contract and I want it.

It all sounds jolly shady to me.

What do you mean, shady?

You're talking about a business
that was founded by your forefathers.

They risked their lives to steal
the rubber plant from South America

and to smuggle it into Malaya.

- It's what our family fortune was founded upon.
- Oh?

I thought it was slaves.

- No. That's how they got into treacle.
- Shut up.

And then there's Lady Agatha.

Oh, yes. There's bound to be Lady Agatha.

Without her husband no doubt?

It just so happens I've invited him.

Oh, yes. It just so happens
he's going to be shooting in Scotland.

- And you've invited Madge Cartwright.
- Yes. She's to partner Teddy.

No. Not Madge Cartwright again.

Whenever there's any sort of do, you trot
her out. I'm stuck with her all evening.

Well, she's very fond of you.
And at least she's normal.

The rest of Cissy's friends are peculiar.

No more peculiar than some of your friends.

Really? What about Nell St John Fortescue?

She always comes festooned
in rows and rows of beads

and smoking Turkish cigarettes.

She writes for the Tatler, Daddy.
She's a society clairvoyant.

Anyway, she may not be able to come.

Well, doesn't she know?

I've invited Jerry.

I hope he's not going
to do that boring trick

where he drinks a glass of water
standing on his head.

I shouldn't think so.
He's coming as Bonnie Prince Charlie.

And why does that stop
him standing on his head?

Oh! I see.

I do wish you'd keep still.

How can I get a good likeness
when you keep ruffling your feathers?

(Knocking at door)

- CAPTAIN: Come in.
- Shut up.

- Good evening, m'lady.
- Come in, Capes.

Stokes, m'lady.

May I collect your tea tray?

Do you collect tea trays?

We had a very nice Georgian one
in the family once.

Solid silver.

It disappeared.

Were you the one who stole it?

No, m'lady. I have only
been here a few weeks.

Would you mind turning
Captain round for me?

I want to get a good view of his head.

- How's that, m'lady?
- That's much better.

I was going to do him in the nude.

I don't suppose
you could remove his feathers, m'lady.

Not him in the nude.

Me in the nude.

I wonder if I might have a word, m'lady.

Why, yes, of course, Capes.

- But mix me a White Lady.
- A White Lady.

A half jigger of lemon, a half jigger
of Cointreau and a big jigger of gin.

Shake it up with some ice.

Not too much. It weakens it.

Yes, m'lady.

I think I ought to tell you His Lordship

is sending for one of those mind doctors
to come to the house.

Well, you take my advice.

You have nothing to do with him.

After all, you're as sane as I am.

Do you wake up in the morning
thinking you're Napoleon?

- No, m'lady.
- Well, there you are then. Neither do I.

- CAPTAIN: Codswallop.
- Oh, shut up.

He keeps me awake at night.

Talks in his sleep, you know.
And he's very boring.

Have you finished that cocktail?

Very nearly, m'lady.

You haven't forgotten the gin, have you?

No. I have inserted the gin.

It's a vegetarian drink, you know.
It's made from juniper berries.

M'lady, I should warn you, the family thinks
it was wrong of you to give those shares to me.

They're sending the
mind doctor to talk to you.

I see.

Well, I'll help him if I can,

but he must understand that I
favour the teachings of Alfred Adler.

He thinks that Freud was a sex maniac
and I'm inclined to agree with him.


Hmm, that's very nice.

Don't give any to the parrot.
He starts swearing when he's had a few.

Will that be all, m'lady?

No, he'll probably throw his seed
all over the carpet.

Will that be enough sprouts, Mrs Lipton?

Oh, yes, Mabel.
It's only the family for dinner.

Here's the tea tray from the
drawing room, Mrs Lipton.

Thank you, Ivy.

(Bell ringing)

- It's the front doorbell. - Yes,
I know it's the front doorbell, Henry.

Mr Twelvetrees answers the front door.

Well, he's at the greengrocers
changing the grapes. Where's Mr Stokes?

He's up in Lady Lavender's room.

Oh. Well, in that case,
Ivy, you'll have to go.

Oh, heck.

What do I do?

You twist the handle and
you pull it towards you.

Go and see who's there,
ask them what their business is,

then tell them to wait and come and see me
and I'll tell you what to do.

I'll be at the bottom of the stairs.

See who's there. Ask
them what their business is.

- That's right, Ivy. Now off you go.
- Yes, Mrs Lipton.

See who's there. Ask
them what their business is.

That's right, Ivy. Now go on.

Do you think it's Lady Agatha's husband
come to horsewhip His Lordship

for having intimate relations
with his missus?

They've got morals like
tom cats these aristocrats.

It's no wonder the French
chopped their heads off.

See who's there, ask them
what their business is.

See who's there, ask them
what their business is.

Hello, Ivy.

Oh, Lady Agatha!

What business are you in?

I'd like to have a word with Lord Meldrum.

- Wait here. I'll go and tell the cook.
- Ivy.

Would it not be better
if you were to tell Lord Meldrum?

Oh, yes. I'll tell Lord Meldrum.
Then I'll tell the cook.

Come in.

Excuse me, m'lord. Lady Agatha's here
but I don't know what business she's in.

Oh, for heaven's sake. Is she on her own?

Yes, m'lord. Shall I tell the cook?

I beg your pardon?

George, I'm sorry about this
but I just had to see you.

One or two details about
the fancy dress party.

That'll be all, Ivy.

Yes, m'lord.

- George.
- Agatha.

I've missed you most dreadfully.

Have you? So have I.

Kiss me.

Sorry. I forgot the cake stand.

It's over here.

You've hardly touched the cream sponge.

It was as light as air.

- Would you like a taste, Lady Agatha?
- No, thank you, Ivy.


Take it and go, Ivy.

Yes, m'lord. M'lady.

George, it's a disaster.

Well, she hasn't been with us very long.

It's Ralph. He came back.

He saw your invitation on the mantelpiece

and he insists on coming
to the fancy dress party.

I thought he was after my blood.

Do you think he intends to make a scene?

No, he's calmed down.
After all, there's no proof.

I told him that he was jumping to
conclusions because he's insanely jealous.

- He loves me terribly, George.
- I don't blame him.

The thing is, do you love him terribly?

No, I love you terribly.

Oh, this is terrible.

Look, there's someone very important
coming to this party.

Are you absolutely sure
Ralph won't make a scene?

He'll be as good as gold
so long as you don't provoke him.

But a look from you or a hand on my arm
and he'll be at you like a tiger.

He was in the Hong Kong police.

How did you get mixed up
with a rotter like that?

We were both young.

At least, I was.

He's about your age.

Yes, well, I haven't gone to seed.

- I must go.
- No, no, no.

I told him I was having tea at Gunter's.

How long can we go on
living a life of lies?

But I did have tea at Gunter's.

If only I could have you to myself.

I shall ask Ralph to give me a divorce.

Oh, no, no, no. You can't do that.

Think of the scandal.

I mean, he'd cite me as co-respondent.

- I could do it with somebody else.
- Don't be disgusting.

I don't mean really do it. What happens is,

you pay someone to sit up with
you all night and you play cards.

Well, men who do that sort of a thing for a
living are bounders and rogues and cheats.

I wouldn't play for money.

I can't hear of it.

We'll think of something.

- I must go.
- Yes, yes, you must go.

Oh, Agatha, you've lit a raging fire
inside me that can never be put out.

That reminds me.
Ralph is coming as a fireman.

There we are. That's done.

Now I can have a few minutes' sit-down.

I can't remember when
I last had a bit of pork.

What do you do for your crackling?

Well, I always rub it with salt
and lemon juice, Mabel.

Lemon juice, eh?

I can't remember when I last had a lemon.

Can you remember the
last time you had salt?

Don't you get sarcy with Mrs Wheeler.

She's a hard-working woman.

It's not her fault
that she's less fortunate than we are.

You're right there, Mrs Lipton.

I don't know how I make ends meet.

With my old man flat on his back.

Well, there's some cold rice pudding in the
larder. You can take that home with you.

That'll be nice.

Ivy's rinsing the tea things in the scullery
if you want those done at the same time.

Thank you, Mrs Lipton.

How did you get on with Lady Lav?

I'm worried, Ivy. She's
playing with mud like a kid.

She's doing a bust of the parrot's head.

- Did you warn her?
- Yes, but I don't think she took it in.

- She asked me if I'd stolen a silver tray.
- You haven't, have you?

Of course not. She's up the pole, our Ivy.
You don't need a doctor to tell you that.

They're trying to diddle me out
of those shares and it's not right.

You're only worried about the shares.
What about her? She's a sweet old thing.

Oh, hello, Mr Twelvetrees.
I see you've changed your grapes.

Yes, Ivy, I've changed the grapes. They were
well below standard for His Lordship's table.

Now, Ivy, I didn't get a chance
to speak to you before,

but your behaviour while you were serving
tea in the drawing room was far too familiar.

Sorry, Mr Twelvetrees.

I'm sorry to have to rebuke you
in front of Mr Stokes,

but His Lordship does not want your comments
on how the cream sponge floats up to his mouth.

If he has any comments to make about the
texture of the sponge, he will tell me

and I will approach Mrs Lipton about the matter,
who will no doubt take steps to rectify any error.

I just said how good it was.

His Lordship will be the judge of that.

You watch your step, Ivy.
You can be replaced just like that.

That settles it. I'm off.

And before I go, he's going to feel the
texture of that sponge right over his head.

I thought you said you liked him.

Well, I do, but I don't
like being told off.

No, Dad, he's not so bad.
I can put up with him.

It's Mr Teddy. I'm not standing for it.

Now steady on, Ivy.

You and I have been through a lot together.

I need you by my side
to see this share thing through.

No, you don't. You've got Mrs Lipton.

What do you mean?

What's going on between you two?


When I went into your room last night,
you weren't there.

I was probably in the bathroom.

You wasn't. I was in the bathroom.

Well, maybe I was giving
her a goodnight kiss.

She's a lonely woman, Ivy.

Mum's a lonely woman.

- You're not starting anything, are you?
- Of course not.

I don't do that sort of thing anymore.

Dad, it's not right. It's not fair on Mum.

Don't let me down again.

I've always been faithful to your mum.

In me own way.

Well, I'm not stopping to watch. I'm off.

There's your grapes, Mr Twelvetrees.

- I give them a good wash.
- Thank you, Mabel.

I'd do anything for you, Mr Twelvetrees.

Thank you. Would you dry them for me?

Of course, Mr Twelvetrees.

Don't they look a picture?

Mabel, can you remember
the last time you had...


Thank you. I shall place these
in an appropriate position.

- Henry, pull them up.
- Yes, Mr Twelvetrees.

I shall proceed upstairs to receive them.

Can we shove something else in
so as not to waste my pull?

Just pull them up, Henry.

You'll get yourself into real hot water
one of these days, young Henry.

It'll make a change
from having me head hit.

It's no use. I'm going to pack me bags
and I'm leaving first thing in the morning.

Why? Whatever's the matter, Ivy?
I thought you liked it here.

Well, I do, but I can't stand Mr Teddy.

Everywhere I go, he tries to grab me.

He's an animal.
That's what he is, an animal.

Don't you talk like
that about your betters.

They're not her betters.
They've just got more money.

Well, I have to speak.

Women like us have been put upon
by men like that for far too long.

Be that as it may, it's not right that you
should have to leave on his account, Ivy.

- You've not done nothing wrong.
- That's what I keep telling her.

Mind you, His Lordship's tried everything
to stop him getting up to his capers.

It's cost him a small fortune to pay off
those maids when he's got them into trouble.

Well, he's not getting
me into trouble. I'm off.

Wait! Wait just a minute.

Now, look. I tell you what. You have
my room tonight and I'll take yours.

What good will that do?

Well, I've known that young man since I was
a tweenie and he was in short trousers.

Now, when I open the door and he sees me,

he'll be so ashamed and so humiliated
that he'll not bother you no more.

- It's worth a try, Ivy.
- I don't think it'll work.

How do you know? At
least you can give it a go.

I'd love to be a fly on the wall when
he knocks on the door all full of lust.

And then you open it.

And he sees you standing
there in your nightie.

That'll dampen his ardour.

It's time you went home, Mabel.

Don't forget your cold rice pudding.

Take no notice, Blanche.
You don't dampen my ardour.

Don't I know it, Mr Stokes.

Hello, James. Where's Daddy?

I think he's changing for dinner.
I'm about to assist the Honourable Edward.

All that lovely fruit.

You've done it beautifully.

Just like Mummy used to do.

Thank you, Miss Poppy.

You do all the flowers in the house, too,
don't you?

- I do my best.
- I suppose I ought to really.

I'm a bit of a duffer at that sort of thing
and you're terribly artistic.

Yet, you're so masculine.

So different from the wet crowd of chaps
I go around with.

Mr Jerry seems to be
a very amusing gentleman.

Oh, yes. He's all right at parties
and playing the giddy goat,

but when it comes to
spooning, he's a washout.

Do you spoon, James?

- It's time I was dressing Mr Teddy
for dinner. - Let him wait.

I never get a chance to talk to you alone.

Well, I have my duties to perform, miss.

I tell you what.

I hope you don't think I'm terribly forward,
but why don't we have a sort of dormitory

feast downstairs in the kitchen
when they've all gone to bed?

We could talk for hours.

No, miss, I couldn't do that.

Oh, I see.

Perhaps you don't like me.

Like you?

Of course I like you.

I've known you ever since
you were a school girl.

I'd do anything for you, Miss Poppy.


Well, meet me in the kitchen at midnight.


Henry, some of the grapes are missing.

- Here's your hot water bottle, Mrs Lipton.
- Thank you, Ivy.

- Will you be all right?
- Yes, of course I will, Ivy.

Oh, er...

Mrs Lipton, I've brought
you a nip of brandy.

Get that down you. It'll
help keep your spirits up.

You don't think I'm frightened
of young Mr Teddy, do you?

Many is the time
I've seen his nanny give him a spanking.

He was a funny boy. He never used to cry.

Actually, he used to
have a smile on his face.

Yes, they're a rum lot, these aristocrats.

We better go in case he's a bit early.

Come on, Mr Stokes.

Yes, well, good night, Mrs Lipton, and
if you want me, I'll be in the next room.

It's a great comfort to
know that, Mr Stokes.

And I'm taking Dorothy.

Mother gave me this.

Good evening, miss.

James, how romantic. Candles.

Well, I didn't want to use the electric light
in case it drew attention to our presence.

Oh? What do you think is going to happen?
Are we going to be naughty?

You're blushing again.
I love it when you blush.

- Get some glasses.
- Yes, miss.

I hid this during dinner.

I knew you wouldn't help yourself
to Daddy's cellar.

Of course not, miss. Shall I pour?

No, you're always pouring.
I'll do it this time.

- How about that?
- Perfect.

Do you like being a servant, James?

Well, I regard it as a great privilege.

How else would anyone from my station
in life be surrounded by beautiful things?


- Do you think I'm beautiful?
- That's not what I meant, but yes.

- Very beautiful, Miss Poppy.
- Thank you, James.

And I think you're a very handsome man.

Here's to us. To two beautiful people.

Sit down, James.

- I think your girlfriend's very lucky.
- I don't have a girlfriend.

Surely... Why not?

Well, to be honest, I don't find
domestic servants to my liking.

Perhaps I have ideas above my station.


- Have you fallen for one of my friends?
- No, miss.

Perhaps it's one of Cissy's friends.

Would it be in order for me
to have a little more wine?

Of course.

Oh. Look, I've dribbled some.

When you pour it, you never dribble.

- How do you do it? - Well,
you give the bottle a little twist.

Show me.

- Like that. - You've dribbled some.
Your hand's trembling.

Of course it's trembling.

I can't believe this is happening.

- You shouldn't be here. I shouldn't
be here. - I know. Isn't it fun?

Oh, Miss Poppy.

James, what are you doing? Let go at once.

I'm sorry, Miss Poppy.
I don't know what came over me.

I lost control of myself.

I should think you did.

I only came down here for a glass of wine
and a little chat.

I thought it would be fun.

Might even have let you give me
a good night peck on the cheek.

But to start grabbing at me
like some great, rough coal heaver.

How can I apologise, Miss Poppy?

- I've a good mind to tell Daddy about this.
- No. Please don't do that, Miss Poppy.

Well, perhaps not. I'll think about it.

But remember your place in future.

Yes, miss.

Why shouldn't I drink their wine?

(Knocking at door)

You ought to be ashamed of yourself,
young... Oh. It's you, Alf.

- Has he been?
- No, not a sign of him.

- Would you like me to hide in your
wardrobe? - You'd never get in it.

- Well, what about under your bed?
- Oh, no.

No, it wouldn't be right for a man in
your position to be hiding under my bed.

Well, if you want me,
I'll be in the next room.

That's a very comforting thought, Alf.




That must be him.

It won't do for him to
see you here with me.

- I'll wait outside.
- Yes.

TEDDY: Ivy! Ivy!

Oh, my God!

Oh, watch out!

Oh! Oh! Help! Help! Mr Stokes!

Mr Teddy's fallen over the side.

Oh, he's had a to-do and no mistake.

Where is he?

He's plunged to his doom.
I can't even get the window open.

He's still there.

- What's going on?
- It's poor Mr Teddy. Poor Mr Teddy.

His lust has proved to be his undoing.

- Ivy, give me a hand to get the window open.
- Hold on.


See if you can grab his wrist.

What happened?

It's poor Mr Teddy.
He's hanging on by his fingernails.

Shall I go down and put
some pillows in the yard?

All right then, I will.

TEDDY: Help! Help!

(Teddy moaning)

Teddy? Is that you, Teddy?

Good Lord! You're wearing my golf shoes.

WILSON: Is that you, sir?

It's that policeman.

Are you aware that there's a footpad
clinging to your exterior?

Yes, thank you very much.

Don't worry. I'm coming, sir.

Thank you.

- George, help me.
- Yes, all right.

It's all right, Teddy.
I've rung for the servants.

- You rang, m'lord?
- My God, that was quick.

I was just passing your door, sir.

What do you make of this?

- He's wearing your golf shoes, sir.
- Yes.

Better get him in.
Well, where's my dressing gown?

Excuse me, Your Lordship.

Can I borrow your pillows?
I'll need all I can get my hands on.

Yes, yes, help yourself.

George, what is the boot boy
doing in your bed?

Go back to your room.

TEDDY: Help me!


- Was it you knocking? - Knocking?
I was obliged to force an entry.

Are you aware there's an
intruder on your parapet?

That's the Honourable Teddy.

Teddy? What's he doing up there?

Well, I expect he'll be dropping off in a
minute. I brought these for him to fall on.

- They're no good. Get a blanket.
- Why? Do you think he'll be cold?

Do as you're told.

STOKES: Easy, sir. Easy.
IVY: Easy.

I should never have frightened
him like that. It's all my fault.

Ivy. Ivy, you saved my life.
How can I ever thank you?

You're beautiful. Beautiful.

Get off.

Pull yourself together, sir.
I'm the one who got you in.

Yes, but she got some of me in.

Teddy, what on earth are you playing at?

Can I have a glass of water, please?

Don't tell me you climbed across the parapet and
into the maid's room to get a glass of water,

you blithering idiot.

Your Lordship,
don't be too hard on poor Mr Teddy.

He's deranged.

Deranged? I'm in love with you.
I don't care who knows it.

Right, that settles it.
You've overstepped the mark. Out!

Excuse me.

You've lost your pride
and you've lost your dignity.

I will not let you stay in this house
one second longer.

I shall order a cab
and you will stay the night at your club.

And I'll see you in my study,
9:30 tomorrow morning.

Oh, hang.

You don't understand, George.

The purity, the innocence of that girl.
I'd do it again.

- You could have been killed.
- I don't care.

I'll deal with you later. I've got
something much more serious to think about.

That psychiatrist fellow arrived at 9:00,

spent five minutes with Lavender, came down
and said she was as sane as you and I

and then gave me a bill for 10 guineas.

Damn cheek.

Dad, you shouldn't listen at doors.

Ivy, that brain doctor just told His Lordship
that Lady Lavender is as sane as you and me.

- You what?
- We're rich, Ivy. We're rich.

Well, it jolly well serves you right.

Fancy trying to get poor old Lavvy put away
just because of a few paltry shares.

Understand this, Teddy.

I know you haven't much
of a head for business,

but whoever gets those shares could
control the Union Jack Rubber company.

Our family business.

It's only worth about P300.

Sir Ralph would give P1,000
just to boot me off the board.

That's only because you played
fast and loose with his wife.

Leave Agatha out of this.

Well, it's all perfectly simple.

You buy the shares from Stokes.

Well, supposing she changes her mind
and gives them back to Ivy.

Then Ivy will have lots of spondulics,

I could marry her
and then I'd control the company.

You are hopeless.

Go and play golf or something.

IVY: (Whispering) It's still the same.

Ah, there you are.

Can I assist you, sir?

Stokes. Ivy.

I'm sure you've probably found out by now
that Lady Lavender,

although perfectly normal in other ways,
is liable to give things away.

Yes, she is. She wanted to
give me her bed and she was in it.

Well, we won't go into that.

Now the point is, Stokes,
I understand she's giving you a few shares

in one of our little companies.

That is correct, sir.

For sentimental reasons,

we don't want these shares
to go out of the family, you understand?

- Of course not.
- So if she goes through with it,

I'm perfectly prepared to buy these shares
from either of you at the market price.

Oh, yes, sir.

Or just above the market price.

After all, you don't want a few bits of paper
when you could have good, hard cash, do you?

My mum could really do with some cash.

I expect your wife could, too.

Good. Well, there we are, then.

Now, shares were quoted this morning
at five and threepence.

Lady Lavender has a couple of 100.

So I could go to, shall we say P60?

- How much, sir?
- P75.

- It'd be wonderful.
- Ivy.

At the moment,
Lady Lavender has given them to me

and with your permission, sir,
I would like to think about it.

Perfectly all right. There's no hurry.
Take your time. Take your time.

I'll leave you to think it over.

Dad, Mum could really do with that money.

If you should decide to sell them to me,

I'll get my solicitor to draw up
a piece of paper for you to sign

saying that you'll sell
to me if you get them

and you, Ivy, will sell
them to me if you get them.

Not that they're worth
very much, as you know.

- Just sentimental value, sir.
- Just sentimental value.

By Jove, this table looks jolly nice.

I haven't polished it yet.

Well, you must have polished it very well
last time.

Ain't that marvellous?

Seventy-five paltry quid.
I'm going to telephone Sir Ralph.

Is there anything in your sporran?

- Would you like some punch, Miss Poppy?
- Just one more glass.

I'll have some.

Jerry, watch it.
Remember how quickly you get tiddly.

- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.

Don't you do your standing-on-your-head
trick dressed like that.

That would rather
let the cat out of the bag, so to speak.

Excuse me, sir. Would you like
a glass of punch?

Thank you, Ivy.


I'm sorry, Miss Cissy.
I thought you were a little man.

This is the maid I was telling you about.

- Don't you think she's totally unspoiled?
- Oh, yes. Totally.

- What's your name?
- Ivy Teasdale, miss.

- And where do you come from?
- I come from Lancashire, miss.

I love your accent.

- What accent?
- Oh, Fiona, darling.

Ivy. Ivy.

There are a lot of people with
empty glasses. Better buck up.

Sorry. Yes, miss.

Cissy, what have you got on?
You look like a damn waiter.

And all your friends dressed as boys.

- What is Sir Jasper going to think?
- Who cares?

Look, the war department contract is very
important. It means a lot of money to us.

Where is Teddy? Madge Cartwright
arrived about 10 minutes ago.

She'll wait. She's potty
about him, poor thing.

Mr Stokes, Mr Twelvetrees,
we're nearly out of punch.

We're going as fast as we can, Ivy.
There's more on the way.

What's the matter with you, Jim?
You put the lemonade in once already.

Oh, I'm sorry, Alf.
It's this business with Miss Poppy.

I can't get it out of my mind.
I feel so humiliated.

Forget it. She's only amusing herself
with you. It's been going on for years.

A young well set-up footman
obliging the ladies of the house.

Are you suggesting that
His Lordship's daughters

are the kind that would indulge
in that sort of promiscuous behaviour?

Well, you must have thought so

or you wouldn't have tried to grab
hold of her and have your way with her.

It wasn't like that at all.
I just lost my head for a moment.

I was thinking of handing in my notice
but if I did that, I'd never see her again.

Take my advice, Jim.

There's a green-beige door
at the top of those stairs.

Don't lose your heart to any one of them
on the other side of it.

You'll always end up
making a fool of yourself.

Now, shove some more brandy in.
You drowned it with the lemonade.

Come out of it. Give it here.

Madge, I'm so sorry. If Teddy doesn't come
down in a couple of minutes, I'll go up...

Oh, my God.

MADGE: There he is.

Hasn't he got lovely legs?

Hello, Teddy-bear.

Teddy, it's bad enough
Cissy's friends all coming as boys.

- Why do you have to come as a girl?
- I'm not a girl.

- You're wearing a skirt.
- Well, so are you.

- I'm Ben Hur.
- I'm a Greek soldier.

What's Sir Jasper going to think
when he sees you in a frilly skirt?

Well, this is what Greek soldiers
wear and they're terribly brave.

I think he looks wonderful.

- A glass of punch, miss.
- Oh.

For goodness sake, be nice to her.

Dressed like that, she
frightens the life out of me.

She's magnificent. She's mad about you.
She's got pots of money.

So have we.

We'll have a lot less if we don't
land that contract with Sir Jasper.

Oh, look! Cissy's doing the tango.
Do let's go and see.

Good evening, Sir Ralph.
Good evening, Lady Agatha.

- May I take your helmet, sir?
- No, thank you. It's part of the costume.

- You're Stokes, aren't you?
- Yes, sir.

I've been thinking
about your telephone call.

- I'm prepared to go to 1,000.
- Thank you, sir.

I'll talk to you later.

Ralph, what are you up to?

Your friend Meldrum
has got a bit of a shock coming to him.

- What do you mean, my friend?
- You know very well what I mean.

If I see him leering at you or pawing you,
I won't be responsible for my actions.

Ralph, you're not going to make a scene, are
you? Not here in front of all these people.

That all depends on your behaviour.

I shall be watching you, my dear.

Excuse me, m'lord, Sir
Ralph has just arrived.

It appears he's got wind
of Lady Lavender's intentions.

I cannot think how.

He's offered me a large sum for those old
shares to which you are sentimentally attached.

- Oh, Lord. How much?
- P1,000, sir.

It was his opening offer.
He seems very keen.

- You mean it might go up?
- Who knows?

I'll double it.

Excuse me, sir. Your guests are thirsty.

Why are you wearing a moustache?
It absolutely ruins the whole effect.

(Whispering) Here, Ivy, you'll never guess.

Sir Ralph's just offered me P1,000 for
those shares and His Lordship's doubled it.

Dad, that must be more
than the King gets every week.

I'm not finished yet.

If I can get him up to 5,000,

Invest that at 4%, that's P200 a year.

I'll be independent for life.

Oh, be careful, Dad.

Oh, more punch. Good-o.

Yes, Miss Poppy.

You've not been near me all day.

Well, I'm sorry, Miss Poppy.

After what happened last night,
I couldn't even look at you.

Don't be so silly. I'd forgotten all
about it until I saw your long face.

Cheer up and have a drink.

You can't, can you?
I expect you'll have one later.

(Jerry laughing)

Jerry, not another glass.
You'll be absolutely squiffy.

I can take it.

- Another glass of punch, Sir Ralph?
- Oh, thank you.

I have spoken to His Lordship.
He has offered 3,000.

I'll offer 3,500.

I had the figure of 5,000 in mind, sir.

What? For 200 shares worth 60 quid?

I'm sorry, sir. No doubt I have mistaken
how anxious you were to acquire them.

Another glass of punch, madam?

You're a damn fiend.

But all right.

- It's a deal.
- Thank you, sir.

It's a deal.

- Would like one of these little things?
- Oh, caviar.

That's right. It's ever so expensive.

That's why they're so small
and there's not many of them.

It's fishy stuff, isn't it?

I don't suppose I should
give any to Lady Agatha.

She's got a delicate stomach, hasn't she?
Poor thing.

Has she?

Yes, every time she comes here to dinner,
she has to be put to bed.

Is that a fact?

- And you take tea up to her the next morning?
- Oh, yes.

- A little smoked salmon, m'lord?
- No, thank you, Stokes.

- Where's Lady Agatha?
- In the drawing room, sir.

- Who's she with?
- She's talking to a young Lord Nelson.

- I don't think I've met him.
- It's a her, sir.

Damn confusing.

- Any sign of Sir Jasper?
- He arrived a few minutes ago, sir.

Why didn't you tell me?
I'll come straight away.

He left immediately.

He saw Mr Teddy in a skirt, Miss Cissy in trousers,
crossed himself and got back into the taxi.

Excuse me, m'lord.

Sir Ralph has just slapped Lady Agatha
on the face and stormed out of the room.

The brute. Where is he?

Excuse me, sir. There was a slight commotion in
the drawing room. Sir Ralph has just left alone.

George! My beast of a husband
has just slapped me in the face

and says he's going to sue for a divorce.

How can he? There's no evidence.

He says the parlour maid
told him everything.

What? Where is she? Ivy!

George, I didn't know
you were having a party.

Lavender, for God's sake, go back to bed.

No, not until I've had a few drinkies.

Daddy, can you come at once?

Jerry's going to stand on his head
and drink a glass of water.

Oh, Lord! We've got to stop him.

I say, Poppy, hand me the glass.


Too late, sir.

♪ From Mayfair to Park Lane
You will hear this same refrain

♪ In every house again, again ♪

You rang, m'lord?

♪ Stepping out on the town
The social whirl goes round and round

♪ The rich are up, the poor are down ♪

You rang, m'lord?

♪ The Bunny Hug at the Shim Sham club
The Charleston at The Ritz

♪ And at the Troc do the Turkey Trot
They give Aunt Maude a thousand fits

♪ Talking flicks are here today
And Lindbergh's from the USA

♪ Poor Valentino's passed away ♪

How sad, m'lord