You Rang, M'Lord? (1988–1993): Season 1, Episode 2 - A Deed of Gift - full transcript

Lady Lavender, whom the rest of the family consider to be mad, asks her solicitor Franklyn, to make over all her shares in the United Jack Rubber Company, the family plantation, to Ivy. Later she calls him back. She has changed her mind and the new beneficiary is Alf, who makes sure Lord George has left the house before Franklyn can tell him. James is tormented by thoughts of George's daughter Poppy, who loves feeling his strong muscles, but he is too straight to follow up Alf's suggestion that he make a play for Poppy.

♪ From Mayfair to Park Lane
You will hear this same refrain

♪ In every house again, again ♪

You rang, m'lord?

♪ Stepping out on the town
The social whirl goes round and round

♪ The rich are up, the poor are down ♪

You rang, m'lord?

♪ The Bunny Hug at the Shim Sham Club
The Charleston at The Ritz

#And at the Troc do the Turkey Trot
They give Aunt Maude a thousand fits

♪ Saucy flappers in cloche hats
Natty chappies in white spats

♪ The upper set is going bats ♪

You rang, m'lord?

- Hello, Dad.
- Stop calling me Dad.


- Can I have a morning kiss?
- Hurry up, then.

- Everything all right, love?
- No, it isn't.

I've had a terrible night and I'm
not putting up with another one like it.

You got a lumpy bed?

No. It's Mr Teddy.

He keeps trying to get into me room.

Didn't you put the chair against your door
like I told you?

Yes, but I don't feel secure.
You've got to put a bolt on it.

(Chuckling) Bolts cost money.

Dad, your daughter's honour is above price.

He's not after your honour, Ivy.
He's just trying to steal a kiss.

He's trying to steal more than that.

He caught me in the hall yesterday and said
he loved me because I smelt of carbolic soap.

Change to Wright's Coal Tar.

Dad, I'm serious.

All right, I'll get a bolt
and put it on your door.

Now hurry along and get on with your work
or Jim will be after you.

Sometimes I think he suspects
that I haven't been in service before.

Don't you worry. I'll fix Jim Twelvetrees.

- He's ever so strict, isn't he?
- Yeah.

But I quite like him.

You what?

- Well, I know where I am with him.
- Oh, I see.

Mrs Lipton's nice, isn't she?


- She likes you.
- Does she?

And you like her.

- You're much nicer to her than you
are to Mum. - That'll do.

Now take that tray downstairs.

Yes, Dad.

Devilled kidneys, James.

Thank you, Mrs Lipton.

Devilled kidneys coming up, Mr Stokes.

The hot plate's flickering.

You haven't forgotten to put the
spirit in again, have you, James?

It's not my place to put spirit in
the hot plate. Henry attends to that.

But it's your job to see that he does it.

Henry, the burner in the hot plate is flickering.
Did you remember to put in the methylated spirit?

There was none left.
I think Mrs Lipton's been drinking it.

How dare you.

I was only joking.

Well, don't joke at 8:55 in the morning.

If there was no methylated spirit left,
you should have said.

- Now come and pull up the devilled kidneys.
- I'm ironing the newspapers.

Do as you're told, Henry.

Yes, Mr Twelvetrees.

Devilled kidneys coming up, Mr Stokes.

Miss Poppy's got a headache.

She hasn't eaten her Osbornes.
Can I have them?

Certainly not. Domestic staff
do not nibble biscuits whilst on duty.

Put them back in the tin.

Henry, you've left the iron on
the Daily Mail. It's scorching.

Oh, look. Teddy Tail's got brown trousers.

Henry, go out and buy another Daily Mail and
I shall stop the penny out of your wages.

Here's a couple of Osbornes
to nibble on the way.

Thanks, Ivy.

I want you back here in five minutes.

Sometimes I feel it would be better if I
didn't wake up in the morning ever again.

You just try it.

Oh! That boy is nothing but trouble.

He's very willing, though.

I shouldn't be too hard on him.

He needs proper training.

When I was his age, if I didn't do as I
was told, my father took his belt to me.

That's what made you what you are today,
Mr Twelvetrees.

It did indeed, Mrs Lipton.

You can take Lady Lavender's
breakfast tray up now, Ivy.

Is she having one of her mornings?

She usually does
after she's had one of her nights.

And take a handful of monkey nuts.

- Shall I shell them for her?
- No, they're for the parrot.

- Mr Twelvetrees.
- Yes, Ivy.

Why does Henry have to iron the newspapers?

Because, Ivy, His Lordship does not wish
to read a crinkly Times.

9:02, Stokes.

I'm terribly sorry, sir.

Evidently my watch needs regulating.

- Are you going to the City today, sir?
- I doubt it. I've been in once this week.

- Are you at home, sir?
- Yes.

Except to Sir Ralph.

- Lady Agatha's husband, sir.
- Lady Agatha's husband.

I don't want to see him
under any circumstances.

I quite understand you, sir.

Oh, am I the first one down?

Yes, sir. Lady Lavender is
having breakfast in her room.

Oh, is she?

Thank you.

His Lordship's Times.

Thank you, James. Your Times, sir.

Thank you.

- A little a porridge, sir?
- Thank you.

Smell of scorching.

- Good morning, George.
- Good morning, Teddy.

Where's my Daily Mail?

It wasn't delivered, sir.
I've sent Henry out for another one.

Oh, good. I don't want to miss
the adventures of Teddy Tail.

PARROT: Come in.

If you don't mind, I'll give
the orders around here.

Come in.

- Who are you?
- Ivy the maid.

No, you're not. You're Ethel.

Where have I seen you before?

I brought up your morning tea.

I thought I recognised you.

Oh, monkey nuts, my favourite.

Why haven't you taken the shells off?

They're for your parrot.

Well, he's not having them.
He gets quite enough already.

I'm giving him a rubber
plantation in Malaya.

Do parrots like rubber?

Not the actual plantation, you silly girl.
The share certificates.

I expect she'll make a nice nest of those
and lay some eggs.

I shouldn't think so. He's a cock.

Pretty Polly. Pretty Polly.

Oh, he's always talking about his fiancee.

Come and sit on my bed.

I'm very generous, you know.
I give lots of things away.

- Is there anything in this room you'd like?
- Oh, not just now, thanks.

- Do you like this bed?
- Very nice.

You can have it.

Oh, I couldn't get it in my room.

What you need is a bigger room.
That's the solution to your problem.

Now, give me my handbag.

- I don't want any money.
- I wasn't going to give you any.

I want you to ring my solicitor
and tell him to come round and see me

at 12:00 this morning.

Ask him to use the tradesmen's entrance
and bring him up the back stairs.

- Why up the back stairs?
- Because I don't want George to know.

Oh, you mean, His Lordship.

Yes. He married my daughter.
I always said she married beneath her.

But he's a Lordship.

- They made their money in trade.
- What sort of trade?

Slave trade.

Brought boatloads of them from Africa
and swapped them for sugar.

Oh, how awful.

Yes, it's very bad for your teeth,
you know.


don't forget the solicitor.
That's his number.

- Oh, would you like some money?
- No, thank you.

- Oh, well, would you like this handbag?
- No, I don't want you to give me anything.

- Will that be all?
- Yes, thank you.


Yes, m'lady?

There's something I insist upon giving you.


Scrambled eggs.

That fellow Mussolini
is doing a damn good job in Italy.

He's actually getting
the trains to run on time.

But he's a dreadful fascist, Daddy.

The first thing he did when he came into power
was to throw all the homosexuals into prison.

Cissy, please. Not at the breakfast table.

Better not let him loose
in the House of Lords, eh?


- The man is a ruthless dictator, Daddy.
- Yes, but he gets things done.

We could do with some of his medicine
in our government.

Well, who do you want as a dictator?
Ramsay MacDonald?

I don't mean a socialist.

Daddy would want a public school dictator.
Someone from Eton.

Well, at least he'd know
which homosexuals to arrest.


- Morning, Daddy.
- Morning.

- Morning, family.
- TEDDY: Morning.

- Morning, James.
- Morning, Miss Poppy.

You really must try to get down to breakfast
on time, Poppy. It's not fair on the servants.

- I only want some coffee.
- I'll bring you a fresh pot, Miss Poppy.

James, be a dear and get that big
brown trunk down from the box room

and bring it to my bedroom after breakfast.

I'm chucking out a lot of clothes
to give to the poor.

- Yes, Miss Poppy.
- And knock loudly.

You don't want to catch me
in my birthday suit.

Of course not, miss.

I wish you wouldn't say things like that
to James. It's very embarrassing for him.

He loves it, Daddy.
I adore seeing him blush.

Well, it's not right. I wish you
two girls would dress for breakfast.

I can't have you floating about
the house in your linen.

It's all your fault, Teddy.
You're such a lounge lizard.

You should set an example.

And while we're on the subject of conduct,
I heard you come in at 3:00 this morning.

That's the second time this week. You
really are going the pace a bit too much.

Oh, don't be so stuffy, Daddy.
Life's for living, that's what Jerry says.

How can you carry on with Jerry?
He's an absolute wet lettuce.

He's jolly clever. He can do card tricks.

He can drink a glass of water
standing on his head.

- And he's invented a new cocktail.
- What's in it?

I don't know, but it's called The Guillotine.
Jerry says it knocks your head off.

- Where's Grandma?
- Oh, she's having breakfast in bed this morning.

She had dinner in bed last night.

I think she's getting battier every day.

I went into the conservatory yesterday
and she was talking to the parrot.

Who else has she got to talk to?
Nobody sits with her or keeps her company.

Anyhow, I think she's lovely.
She gave me this ring the other day.

Oh, you shouldn't have taken that.
That's her engagement ring.

If anyone should have that ring,
it should be me. I'm the eldest.

You've already got Mummy's
and you never even wear it.

Well, I'm having it turned into a tiepin.

Oh, really.

I thought I saw your friend Penelope
wearing it the other day.

- Mind your own business.
- Now, girls, please.

It's a bit worrying,
old Lavvy giving things away all the time.

I wish you wouldn't call her Lavvy.

Anyhow, she gave my best overcoat
to the gardener.

- What, that terrible check thing?
- Yes.

Damn good job, too.

Does this sort of potty behaviour
run in the family, Daddy?

Well, certainly not on my side.

At least she's stopped creeping round
the corridors in the early hours.

- Oh, no, she hasn't. She was at it last night.
- Doing what?

- Creeping along the corridors.
- And how do you know?

Well, I had to go to the bathroom.

Oh, yes.

What'd you mean, oh, yes? I'm entitled
to go to the bathroom if I want to.

Haven't you got a chamber pot in your room?

If that's going to be the level
of the conversation, I'm leaving.

I'll have a nice chat to the parrot.

Perhaps potty behaviour
does run in the family.

- Hurry up. They've finished breakfast.
- What's the time, Dad?


I've got to go and ring
Lady Lavender's solicitor.

Well, use the phone downstairs
in the servants' hall.

And I mustn't forget.
Miss Cissy wants me to pop up to her room.

- What for?
- I don't know.

Well, don't stop too long.

Why does everybody keep telling me
not to stop too long in Cissy's room?

She's ever so nice.

Never you mind. Just do
as you're told, Ivy.


- Yes, sir.
- I want to speak to you.

- Yes, sir.
- Ivy, you're driving me crazy.

Am I?

Every time I see you, my heart goes
humpity, humpity, humpity, hump.

- Does it?
- It's doing it now.

- Is it?
- Yes, feel it. Why don't you feel it?

I'd rather not, if you don't mind.

How can you understand how I feel
if you don't feel it?

Get off.

- You all right, Teddy?
- No, my heart's beating rather fast.

I thought you were off
to talk to the parrot.

I'm just going now.

Give him my regards.


I brought the cellar book
for your inspection, sir.

We're getting rather low on the '93 port.

Oh, right. I'll get them to send
a couple of cases up from Meldrum Hall.

- Yes, sir. We don't want to go short, sir.
- Yes.

Well, Stokes, you've been with us nearly
two weeks now. You getting on all right?

Yes, thank you, sir.

And how are you getting on
with the rest of the staff?

Of course, you were in the war
with Twelvetrees.

Both of you helped save my brother's life,
or was it the other way about?

It was a very confusing time, sir.

Then there's Mrs Lipton, of course. What
a nice, comfortable, pillowy woman she is.

Very comfortable, sir.

How's Ivy getting on?

If the truth be told, sir,
she's a little distressed.

- Oh, really?
- I'm afraid to say she is, sir.

Her door handle keeps going up and down
in the dead of night.

- What do you think is the cause of that?
- Someone trying to enter the room.

The Honourable Teddy?

- It would appear so, sir.
- But he didn't get in, did he?

No, sir.

You know, I thought if we got a plain maid,
we wouldn't have any more trouble.

Even her best friends
wouldn't call her pretty.

- She doesn't use carbolic soap, does she?
- I've asked her to change to Wright's Coal Tar, sir.

Yes, a sensible precaution.

What is it that attracts my brother
to these servant girls?

- Even the plain ones.
- There's no accounting for taste, sir.

I, myself, was once very taken
with a lady lion-tamer.

Was she plain?

She frightened the lions.

I'm afraid it's all beyond me, Stokes.

It's beyond me, too, sir.

Only one thing for it.
We'll have to get him looked at.

Yes, sir. Will there be
anything further, sir?

- Well, no, I don't think so.
- M'lord.

Oh, Stokes, by the way, just one thing.

That lady lion-tamer,
she didn't use carbolic soap, did she?

I wasn't too familiar
with her washing arrangements, sir.

But she used a lot of
Jay's fluid on the lions.

(Knocking on door)

Come in.

Did you ring the bell, Miss Cissy?

Oh, yes. Could you rinse
these things through for me?

When do you want them?

Oh, there's no hurry.
I've got stacks more in the drawers.

Oh, they're lovely and soft.

I've never felt anything like it before.

Fancy going to sleep in these.

It's silk satin.

They're ever so slithery.
I wonder you don't slip out of bed.

I'm always very careful about that.

Well, actually, I've got a lot of things
I don't use. You can have some if you like.

Oh, you're a lovely family. So generous.

Lady Lavender wanted to give me her bed.

You'll get used to us.


how do I look?

Like a boy.

A nice boy.

I mean, a very pretty boy.

Thank you, Ivy.

- Are you going to play cricket?
- Oh, no, tennis.

Oh, be a darling. Tie
up my shoes, will you?

Oh, don't be nervous. I won't bite you.

- I'm not very good at bows.
- You're doing fine.

Do you know, Ivy...

you're really quite pretty.

Am I?

But you are a bit pale.
You should make more of yourself.

- Look. Sit at my dressing table.
- Am I allowed?

Don't be silly. Sit down.

Now, turn around.

You should get out in
the open air more often.

I only get one afternoon off a fortnight
and I've only been here for three days

so I've got 10 days to go.

When I do get me afternoon off,
I'm going to the pictures.

Now, let me do your lips.

- Who's your favourite film star?
- Rin Tin Tin.

I can't give you lips like him.

- How about Anna May Wong?
- All right.

Ivy, you are not going to play the trumpet.
Relax your lips.

- Keep still.
- I can't. You're tickling me.

There. Now, have a look in the mirror.

Take off your glasses.

- Is that better?
- I don't know. I can't see.

It's looking top-hole.

That will have to do for today.
I shall be late for Hurlingham.

Oh, will that be all?
Only I'm seeing a solicitor at 12:00.

Yes, you buzz off.

Oh, thanks for the lips, Miss Cissy.

(Knocking on door)

Come in.

Over there, please, James.

I do hope you haven't hurt yourself

carrying that great big heavy thing down
from the box room.

It wasn't all that heavy, Miss Poppy.

Not for you, perhaps,
because you're so strong.

Your muscles must be like iron.

Not like they were when
I was in the army, miss.

Nonsense. They're positively bulging.

It makes shivers go right down my spine.

- Well, I'm sorry, Miss Poppy.
- Oh, that's all right. It's not your fault.

Strong men always make me go wibbly-wobbly.

What makes you go wibbly-wobbly, James?

Well, nothing comes to mind at the moment,
Miss Poppy.

Oh, there must be something.

Well, you see, I was
very strictly brought up.

I lived in a small town and we hardly ever
saw a lady's ankle, let alone her leg.

Nowadays, of course, anything goes.

You know, you're so right. I've got a friend
who wears her skirts right up to here.

Will there be anything further, Miss Poppy?

I haven't embarrassed you, have I, James?

No, miss,
but I do have my other duties to attend to.

All right, then. Toodle-oo.

You're a dab hand with
a pastry knife, Mrs Lipton.

I wish I had a shilling for
every pie I've made, Mr Stokes.

I bet you've got a nice
little nest egg tucked away.

Would that I had, Mr Stokes.

But I'll... I'll not go hungry.

The late Mr Lipton, he was
a very careful man.

Didn't you have any children,
then, Mrs Lipton?

Mind your own business.

Would you care to have a glass
of stout with me, Mrs Lipton?

Not just for the moment, Mr Stokes.
I'll have it with my dinner.

I wouldn't mind a drop, Mr Stokes.

Get a glass, Mabel.

It's got iron in it, you know.
I need a lot of iron.

Watch out it doesn't rust your teeth.

I hope not. I can't afford another set.

- Morning, all.
- Morning.

I hope I'm not interrupting
your mid-morning refreshment.

You're always welcome, Constable Wilson.

Is that a drop of stout on the table?

Mabel, get a glass.

I thought you didn't drink on duty.

It's been a very tiring day, Mrs Lipton.
And stout's got a lot of iron in it.

Mind it don't rust your boots.

You're so sharp you'll cut yourself
one of these days, young Henry.

And will there be a nice piece
of cherry cake, Mrs Lipton?

- Oh, you'll spoil your lunch.
- Oh, am I staying to lunch?

You usually do.

It's steak and kidney pie.

Well, in that case,
I shall restrain myself.

- And what's on the menu tonight for dinner?
- Oh, I'm not cooking tonight.

The family are all going out
to see The Desert Song.

- What a wonderful life they lead.
- There'll be 10 of them.

And they'll all go on
to some posh restaurant afterwards

and spend enough money
to keep you and me for a year.

- Glass of stout, James?
- No, thank you.

You look as if you need it.

I've just been carrying a heavy trunk down
for Miss Poppy.

I hoped she behaved herself.

Least said, soonest mended.

You finished the bedrooms already, Ivy?

No, I've got to meet a solicitor
outside the back door at 12:00.

It's for Lady Lavender. She doesn't
want the rest of the family to know.

Ivy, what have you got on your face?

- Oh, just some rouge and lipstick.
- How dare you.

You know perfectly well the domestic staff
are not allowed to paint their faces.

Anyone would think
you'd never been in service before.

What on earth possessed
you to do such a thing?

I didn't put it on. It was Miss Cissy.

Oh, I see.

Let sleeping dogs lie, Mr Twelvetrees.

Well, you take it off as quickly as you can
and don't let it happen again.

Yes, Mr Twelvetrees.

You can't blame Ivy for doing what she's told.
Toffs amuse themselves with the likes of us.

You're right there, Mr Stokes.

Nothing the young ones like better
than knocking our helmets off.

Nevertheless, there's a dividing line
between masters and servants

and it's up to us not to cross it.

There's someone at the back door
with a bowler hat on.

That'll be the solicitor.

What's he come to the back door for?
What's all the secrecy?

Well, Lady Lavender is
very rich in her own right

and she doesn't want no interference
from His Lordship.

- I wonder what she's giving away this time.
- What do you mean, giving away?

Least said, soonest mended.

That's what Mr Twelvetrees always says.
Isn't it, Mr Twelvetrees?

Watch it, Henry.

This is Mr Franklyn.

- Good morning, everyone.
- Good morning, sir.

Do excuse me, please, do carry on.

Henry, door.

Thank you.

I just came in to use the toilet, sir.

Thank you.

They're a funny bunch, that lot upstairs.

You haven't heard
the half of it, Mr Stokes.

- Get on with your work, Mabel.
- Yes, Mr Twelvetrees.

"They dined upon mince and slices of quince,
which they ate with a runcible spoon."

Don't fidget. Listen.

"And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand,
they danced by the light of the moon."

- There, Captain, what do you think of that?
- Codswallop.

Well, that settles it.
You're not having the rubber plantation.

(Knocking on door)

- CAPTAIN: Come in.
- Shut up. Come in.

- Mr Franklyn, m'lady.
- Oh, come in.

Good morning, m'lady.

- What's your name?
- Franklyn.

- Not you, her.
- Ivy, but you call me Ethel.

- No, your full name.
- Ivy Teasdale.

Oh, well, I suppose it'll have to do.
All right, you can go now.

Now, look here, Teddy. I'm not
going to beat about the bush anymore.

You've got to be seen to.

You're talking about me
as if I were a tom cat.

It's nearly as bad.

Well, what about you and Lady Agatha? Her
husband's on to you. He's after your blood.

- Sir Ralph hasn't been round here, has he?
- That put the wind up you, didn't it?

Up till now, you've got away with murder.

What about your previous paramours?

You went charging round
Mayfair like a polecat.

Well, at least they had titles.

Oh, that makes it all right then, does it?
As long as they're wearing a tiara.

Well, it's a damn sight better
than wearing a housemaid's cap.

Don't you understand, George?

You've no idea of the purity of these
girls. No sham, no pretence, no side.

Everything stripped off.

There they are in their attic rooms,
threadbare carpet on the bare boards,

rickety chest of drawers with a
cracked mirror, and the iron bedstead.

My God, Teddy, you're
a case and no mistake.

But it's all perfectly normal.

Look, there's nothing wrong
with what you want to do.

It's who you want to do it with

and the fact that you're so damn clumsy
when you do it.

- But it's all so exciting.
- That's no excuse.

Five settlements I've made on girls
on your behalf.

And now I've had this
letter from Violet's solicitor.

Oh, Violet. Dear little shiny-faced Violet
with her chapped hands.

- She was different from all the others.
- You're damn right.

I've had to double her allowance.
She's just had twins.

Oh, no, no...

For goodness' sake, pull yourself together.
Have a whisky or something.

(Knocking on door)

Oh, come in.

Excuse me, sir, there's a Mr Franklyn,
the solicitor, to see you.

- My God, is this another girl, Teddy?
- I don't know, I'm so confused.

He had an appointment with Lady Lavender
and now he wishes to see you.

- Oh, she isn't at it again, is she? Oh,
send him in. - Very good, m'lord.

His Lordship will see you
now. Mr Franklyn, m'lord.

- Oh, Franklyn, do sit down.
- Thank you.

Well, what's she been giving away now?

Rather more serious than usual.
It's the Union Jack Rubber Company.

- That's yours, isn't it, George? - Not all
of it. She's got the controlling interest.

I mean, if she messes about with that,
it'll knock me for six.

Who's she given the shares to? The parrot?

I've been asked to prepare a deed of gift
in favour of a Miss Ivy Teasdale.

There we are. Come and sit down, James.

This strawberry jam
looks a treat, Mrs Lipton.

Yes, we had a lovely crop of strawberries
down from the Hall this year.

Right. Now, enjoy your tea.
I'll be back in an hour.

That butcher, he's not
getting away with this bill.

Ten shillings for six pounds
of sirloin steak.

Daylight robbery.

Not too much milk.

You weren't that fussy when
we were in the trenches together.

We were glad of anything then.

Here, get stuck into the bread and jam.

No, I can't face it.

- What's the matter?
- I'd rather not say.

Come on, you can tell me.

Well, I'm beset with circumstances
beyond my control.

- That sounds serious.
- It is serious.

- You been pinching His Lordship's fags?
- I don't smoke and if I did, I'd buy them.

More fool you.

I smoke like a chimney
and I've not bought a fag in 10 years.

Let me tell you something
else I've never bought...

- I don't want to hear about it.
- What's the matter?

It's Miss Poppy.

Every time she gets me alone
in her bedroom, it happens.

You're a crafty one, James Twelvetrees.

- How long has this been going on?
- It's not like that.

- Then what was it like?
- Look, if you're going to make insinuations,

I shall take my tea into the scullery.

Sit down. You can tell me,
we're old comrades.

Well, when I took that heavy trunk
into her room this morning, she...

She started saying risky things.

What? Mucky stories?

Certainly not. But it's been going
on for years. Ever since she was 18.

I would tell His Lordship, but
I don't want to lose my position here.

So what happened this morning?

She felt my muscles.

What muscles?


What's wrong with that?

She said they made her
go all wibbly-wobbly.


They don't make me go all wibbly-wobbly.

Mind you, I'll say this for you, Jim,
you're built like a brick outhouse.

And if that's all it takes to get her worked
up, your future could be very rosy here.

Disgraceful, in her position, at her age.

I ought to put her across my knee
and give her a good spanking.

That might work and all.

It's impossible to have a
serious conversation with you.

Face facts, Jim.

The sort of young chaps she goes out with
haven't got any go in them.

All they've got is money.

Now you haven't got any money,
but you've got what she's after.

So use it. She'll be grateful
and you'll be on easy street.

What do you think I am?
Some sort of foreign gigolo?

Come off it, Jim.
Look, they're up there and we're down here.

Use the talent God gave you.

Miss Poppy's room.
You're down here, get up there.

Let's face it. We can't allow these shares
to pass out of the family.

Particularly into the hands of a servant.
I mean, where would it all end?

I don't know why you're so worried, Daddy.
You've got pots and pots of money.

- What's 200 measly shares?
- You just don't understand.

In the first place, when it comes to money,

you can take it from me,
you can never have too much.

In the second place,
those 200 measly shares you describe,

they represent the controlling interest
in the Union Jack Rubber Company.

Without those, the company could fall
into the hands of all sorts of people.

They could have meetings and vote
and run the bally show instead of me.

Ivy's a sweet, innocent girl.

You wouldn't have any trouble with her.
She'd do whatever you told her.

I'm not having meetings with Ivy every
time I want to take a company decision.

Not only that,
perhaps money would spoil someone like Ivy.

She could afford to buy perfume
and scented soap.

She'd use powder
and I'd no longer see that shiny face.

I don't see why servants shouldn't be
allowed to make up like everyone else.

You'd ruin her. Leave her alone, do
you hear me? Just leave her alone.

Shut up, Teddy!

It's Granny's money, Daddy. She has
a right to do what she likes with it.

Not if she's bats in the belfry.

Let's face it, anyone who reads poetry to a parrot
cannot possibly make a responsible decision.

So what are you suggesting, Daddy?

Carting her off in a straitjacket
and putting her in a padded cell?

Don't be absurd, Cissy,
it isn't like that at all.

There are some beautiful places.
They look just like lovely country houses.

Except for the bars on the window.

That sounds horrid, Daddy.

Can't somebody sign something
to say that she can't sign anything?

Then she could stay in
her room with the parrot.

That's certainly better
than locking her up.

All right, I'll have a word with Franklyn,
see if he can suggest something.

- You mean you're gonna have her certified.
- I never mentioned the word certified.

But somehow or other,
she's got to be stopped.

Otherwise I'll have that idiot girl Ivy
on the board of directors.

(Knocking on door)

Come in.

Hello, Ivy.

- Hello, Ivy.
- Hello, Ivy.

Excuse me, m'lord.

Mr Stokes says it's time for Miss Cissy and
Miss Poppy to get dressed up for the theatre.

I've run a bath,
but I don't know who's going to have it.

Thank you, Ivy.

- Thank you, Ivy.
- Thank you, Ivy.

Sit down, Teddy.

Any idea what this Desert
Song thing's about, Stokes?

Cook sings a snatch from one of the songs
from time to time

when she's going about her duties.

Well, how does it go?

Something about blue heaven and you and I,
and sand kissing a moonlit sky.

Sounds a bit soppy to me.

I believe it concerns an English Lord
who leads the Arabs against the French.

Well, that's quite understandable.
Never had much time for the French myself.

Never much good after lunch.

- May I assist you?
- No, no.

I'm all fingers and thumbs tonight.

If I may venture to say, sir,
you do look a trifle put out this evening.

- Well, Lady Lavender, you know.
- Indeed.

Yes, she does some silly things.

We are aware of this in the servants' hall.
She's inclined to use Ivy for target practice.

You mean she throws knives at her?

Oh, no, sir.
Mostly scrambled eggs and tapioca pudding.

I've asked cook to devise a menu
that doesn't stain.

Well, she must have some regard for Ivy.

She wants to give the wretched girl all her
shares in the Union Jack Rubber Company.

- Does she indeed, sir?
- It's a pretty big concern.

Yes, I believe I've seen it advertised
in barbershops.

Well, that's just one side of the business.

We also make motor car tyres,
invalid cushions with holes in the middle,

and those little bits
that go on top of pencils.

Would these shares be worth
a lot of money, sir?

Well, Sir Ralph Shawcross,
who is my main opponent on the board

would give a small fortune for them.

- Lady Agatha's husband, sir?
- Yes, Lady Agatha's husband.

- By the way, he hasn't been round here, has he?
- Oh, no, sir.

If he does call,
I'm not at home under any circumstances.

Of course, sir.

For some reason,
he seems to have got his knife into me.

I wonder why.

The point is, he'd sell his soul
to get his hands on those shares

just to vote me off the board.

I think Ivy could be persuaded
to sell them, sir.

She's a sweet girl. A bit simple.

Mind you, for all we know she may have
some greedy, drunken brute of a father.

And he might bully her into selling them.

Would you like me to inquire
as to his character, sir?

No. No, definitely not.

I don't want anybody to know about this,
least of all Ivy.

It wouldn't be fair to build up her hopes

because I have every intention
of nipping the whole thing in the bud.

Of course, sir.

You couldn't have one of the servants
on the board of directors.

Where would it all end?

- Two points or three on your handkerchief, sir?
- Two, I think. It's only a musical.

Oh, drat. There's a dark smudge
on my shirt front.

I think it may be a speck of something
on your monocle, sir.

- Oh, really?
- Allow me, sir.

Oh, yes. Thank you, James. You're a treasure.
You'll make someone a jolly good husband.

Mrs Lipton was saying
that only the other day, sir.

You're not going
to marry the cook, are you?

I hardly think so, sir.

You're bound to get married one day.

Well, that is my intention, sir,
if the good Lord wills it.

You're so lucky, you know.
Your choice is so wide.

I mean, this whole street is
chock-a-block with girls looking like Ivy.

Lady's maids, housemaids, parlour maids,
and lots of them wear glasses.

I'm not attracted to them, sir.

Not attracted to them?
What's the matter with you?

Well, I prefer someone
a little more educated.

Oh, what about nurses?

Starched aprons, black woollen stockings,
tight black belts, silver buckles,

little medals and smelling of chloroform.

(Gong sounding)

Champagne cocktails are being served
prior to the arrival of the cars

to take you to Drury Lane, sir.

Dad, why are you stealing
His Lordship's whisky?

Stealing? I am not stealing.
This is part of a butler's perks.

His Lordship knows.

Then why are you topping it up with soda?

Strong whisky is not good
for His Lordship's gout.

I didn't know he had gout.

He hasn't, but he will have
if he drinks strong whisky.


What time will the family be back?

Well, they're going on to a theatre
after dinner and then perhaps a nightclub.

- Could be 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning.
- Oh, heck.

James says I've got to wait up for them
in case they want anything.

Part of the job, Ivy.

Keep the fire going in the drawing room
and have a kip in the chair.

And go put a clean apron on.

Well, it's not my fault,
it's Lady Lavender.

I pleaded with Mrs Lipton
not to give her chocolate pudding.

I've had enough, Dad. I want to leave.

What are you talking about? You don't
know what's going on in this house.

You don't know what's going on.

Mr Teddy grabbed me
in the hall this morning

and asked me to feel his heart
going humpity, humpity, humpity, hump.

I don't trust him.

- Did you get that bolt for my door?
- I haven't had time.

That means I've got to spend another night
with only a chair under the door handle

to stop me being ruined.

What are you worrying about?

My room's only next door.
All you got to do is shout out.

I don't care.

- I'm going back to Mum.
- No, hang on a minute. Ivy, come here. Listen.

I've just found out from Lord Meldrum

that Lady Lavender is giving you shares
in a Rubber Company.

She told me she was
giving them to the parrot.

Well, she's changed her mind, Ivy.
She's giving them to you.

Now, just think. You could be rich.
Live in a big house.

Have servants to wait on you.

Now you're not going to give all that up

just because she's thrown a bit
of chocolate pudding at you, are you?

- No, I suppose not.
- Good girl.

Now go and change your apron.
Supper will be ready in a minute.

Dad, could she have her
meals on paper plates?

When it comes to shepherd's pie,
Mrs Lipton, you have a touch of genius.

Well, I was brought up
in the old school of cooking.

The right recipe, with good ingredients,
cooked to a turn.

And washed down
with a nice drop of Chateau Margaux.

That's two bottles of His
Lordship's best wine you've opened.

When I was doing my
inspection of the cellar,

my suspicions were aroused by a musty smell
hovering around one of the bins.

"Ah," I thought, "the quality of this wine
must be checked forthwith."

Quite right, Mr Stokes. You can't
have His Lordship drinking musty wine.

You'd betray a sacred trust.

Well, good health.

- Good health.
- Good health.

- What do you think?
- Delicious.

I think your suspicions were unfounded.

I agree. It's a great weight off my mind.

It all tastes the same to me. Like red ink.

I used to think like that,
but I'm learning under Mr Stokes.

Can I try the second bottle
to see if it's as good as the first?

You've had quite enough, Henry.

- I've finished it all, Mrs Lipton.
- Thank you, Mabel.

Oh, that looks nice.

- Shepherd's pie, is it?
- Yes, Mabel, it's shepherd's pie.

And red wine.

I was only saying to my
old man the other day,

"I can't remember the
last time I tasted red wine."

Fancy that.

Well, if that's all, I'll be off.

There's a bit of cold liver left over from breakfast.
I've wrapped it up for you. It's on the side.

Thank you.

I expect it'll warm up all right.

It's got a lot of iron in it.

Oh, and there's a drop of stout left
in the bottle. Take it with you, Mabel.

You're very kind.

- And don't forget to bring the bottle back.
- Oh, I won't.

Good night, all.

- Good night.
- Good night, Mabel.

There's loads of shepherd's pie left.

Why didn't you ask her
to stay and have a bit?

What? Her? The daily woman? Sitting
down at the table with us? Certainly not.

Where would it all end?

I just feel sorry for the poor old soul.

What with her husband not working
and flat on his back.

Well, I hope she sits him up when she gives him
his stout otherwise it'll go all down his pyjamas.

Go to bed, Henry. You're drunk.

- I've only had one glass.
- Go to bed.

I wouldn't be surprised
if I've got water on the brain.

Now, who's for a nice bit
of my homemade pink blancmange?

You've never had a bit
of my pink blancmange, have you, Mr Stokes?

That's one of the several pleasures
I've got to come, Mrs Lipton.

- My mum makes lovely blancmange, doesn't she?
- I wouldn't know, Ivy.

No, of course you wouldn't.

Sorry, Dad.

You've got a treat in store, Mr Stokes.

Mrs Lipton's pink blancmange
is almost as well known as her cherry cake.

Just a little tap all the way round.
Just to loosen it in the mould.


hey presto.

I love pink custard.

Did you enjoy
that Desert Song thing last night, Teddy?

Not bad.

Some of the chorus girls were damn pretty,
especially in the harem scene.

I don't like the way they
use all that make-up.

Harem girls don't have scrubbed faces
and glasses, Teddy.

(Knocking on door)


- Your coffee, m'lord.
- Thank you, James.

- Will you be going to the City today, sir?
- No, I don't think so.

- That's all right, we'll pour it.
- Very good, m'lord.

- May I say something, m'lord?
- What is it?

Well, I've no wish to speak out of turn,
but I feel it my duty to tell you

that Lady Lavender has asked Ivy the maid
to telephone her solicitor again.

He's just arrived and Mr Stokes has
escorted him to her room by the back stairs.

Thank you for telling us.

- I hope I did the right thing.
- Definitely.

Thank you, sir.

What's she up to now?

Don't worry, Franklyn will come down
and tell us everything.

You know what an old toad he is.

- What's she saying, Dad?
- I can't hear.

That's the trouble with these posh houses,
they make the doors too thick.

When he comes out, can I
have a word with him?

I don't want Lady Lavender
to give me them shares.

It'll cause too much trouble.

You keep your mouth shut.

Hey up, here he comes,
make yourself scarce.

Good day, m'lady.

CAPTAIN: Come in.

- Everything all right, sir?
- I want to see His Lordship immediately.

I'll find out if he's free. Come this way.

Excuse me, sir. About Lady Lavender
and those shares, I don't want them.

She doesn't know what she's saying, sir.
She's a very simple girl.

You needn't concern yourself, girl.
You are no longer the beneficiary.

You what?

Lady Lavender has changed her mind.
She's given the shares to you.

- To me?
- Yes.

- You are Alfred Stokes, are you not?
- Yes.

Then I'm sure you'll agree
the idea is totally absurd.

I must see His Lordship at once.

- At once?
- Yes, now.

Well, if you'll wait in the dining room,
sir, I'll inform His Lordship.

Well, hurry up.

I've got to stop Franklyn
seeing His Lordship.

Go outside the front door, close it,
count to 10 then start knocking.

- What for?
- Never mind. Just do as I tell you.

Come in.

- What is it, Stokes?
- I'm sorry to trouble you, sir,

but I've just seen Sir Ralph
coming up the drive with a horsewhip.


Get away from that window.

What am I going to do?

He'll be knocking at
the door any minute, sir.

(Banging on door)

- That'll be him now.
- Oh, God.

May I suggest you leave by the back door?
I'll escort you through the servants' hall.


- I must speak with you.
- Not now.

(Banging on door)

Have you had a word with His Lordship?

No, he left rather hurriedly
by the servants' entrance.

Oh, I see.

- Shouldn't you use the servants' entrance?
- Not when His Lordship's using it.

I'll telephone him tomorrow.

It's me, Ivy.

I'm sorry to bother you
in the middle of the morning.

I know I don't usually get on to you
at this time of day, but it's urgent.

Please don't let me dad have them shares.
It's bad for his greed.

I'll explain it to you tonight when I'm
saying my prayers at the usual time.

- Ivy! Ivy, where are you?
- Oh, heck. It's Mr Teddy.

Don't worry, I'll deal with him this time.
You just look after me dad. Thank you.

IVY: Get off!

♪ From Mayfair to Park Lane
You will hear this same refrain

♪ In every house again, again ♪

You rang, m'lord?

♪ Stepping out on the town
The social whirl goes round and round

♪ The rich are up, the poor are down ♪

You rang, m'lord?

♪ The Bunny Hug at the Shim Sham Club
The Charleston at The Ritz

#And at the Troc do the Turkey Trot
They give Aunt Maude a thousand fits

♪ Talking flicks are here today
And Lindbergh's from the USA

♪ Poor Valentino's passed away ♪

How sad, m'lord.