You Rang, M'Lord? (1988–1993): Season 0, Episode 0 - Pilot - full transcript

♪ From Mayfair to Park Lane
You will hear this same refrain

♪ In every house again, again ♪

You rang, m'lord?

♪ Stepping out on the town
The social whirl goes round and round

♪ The rich are up, the poor are down ♪

You rang, m'lord?

♪ The Bunny Hug at the Shim Sham Club
The Charleston at The Ritz

♪ And at the Troc do the Turkey Trot
They give Aunt Maude a thousand fits

♪ Saucy flappers in cloche hats
Natty chappies in white spats

♪ The upper set is going bats ♪

You rang, m'lord?



(Gunfire)

Where are you going, Alf?
We're supposed to be going forward.

- Well, I'm going backwards.
- Why?

Because I'm a coward.

Well, we could be shot for desertion.

Well, go on. Be a hero.
I'm not stopping you.

Well, I'm going to do my
duty. I'm going forward.

What's the matter?

I'll give it a few more
minutes then I'll go forward.

- It's getting a bit hot.
- Yes.

We can't stay here. The Jerry guns
have got these buildings marked.

Come on.

Is he dead, Alf?

Is it going?



No, but his watch is.

- What are you doing?
- He'll not need this where he's gone.

He'll either need a harp
or a fire extinguisher.

You're robbing the dead.
You're robbing the dead!

If I don't, somebody else will.
I'm having that ring and all.

Look at that stone. It
must be worth hundreds.

It won't come off his finger.
Lend me your penknife.

(Retching)

What's the matter with you?

Have you eaten something
that didn't agree with you?

- I'll use my bayonet.
- You're not doing anything more to him.

What's the matter with you?
I'm only going to get the stone out.

You disgust me.

I'd rather die than skulk in this shallow
with you, Alf Stokes.

I'm gonna do my duty. I'm going forward.
Goodbye.

Are you going to do much more of that?

Because if not, I've got an idea how
we can get out of this. We're going back.

- But we'll be shot as deserters.
- Will you listen for a minute?

You and I are going to carry this poor,
wounded officer back to the field hospital.

- But he's dead.
- He's not gone cold yet.

You're not a medical man, Jim Twelvetrees.
Anyone can make a mistake.

(Groaning)

Hey, wait a minute, Alf.
I think he's still alive.

You're right. Come on.

- What? Are you going to carry him
on your back? - Yes.

If there's any bullets flying about,
he'll get them first.

Excuse me, Captain Meldrum?

Captain Meldrum?

Excuse me, but there are two Tommies
outside who say you sent for them.

- What are their names?
- Private Stokes and Twelvetrees.

Yes. They saved my life. Show them in.

Thanks, mate.

I'm surprised you've got the nerve
to show your face, Alf Stokes.

I saved his life, didn't I?

- The Captain will see you now.
- Well, thank you.

Over here, chaps.

Don't salute me. I haven't got a hat on.
Stand at ease.

I just want you to know
you've both behaved like absolute bricks.

- What did he say?
- Bricks.

Oh, thank you, sir.

If it hadn't been for you two,
God knows what would have happened to me.

As it was,
some rotter stole my watch and emerald.

Yes, there's a lot of rogues about, sir.
Riffraff I call them.

You're right. Lucky they didn't
cut my finger off to get the ring.

- I wouldn't put it past them, sir.
- As it was, they've pinched the emerald.

Anyhow, I want you chaps to know
I owe you both a debt I can never repay.

If there's ever anything I can do for you,
you've only got to call on me.

The one thing this war has done
is to bring us together.

All classes
sharing the same dangers and hardships.

- What is it, sister?
- Bad news I'm afraid, Captain Meldrum.

- Is it Lieutenant Bertie in the bottom bed?
- No.

It's the ice. There isn't any.

You mean my 11:00 glass of champagne
will be at room temperature?

I'm afraid so.

It's a damn shame.

- Where was I?
- Sharing the same hardship, sir.

Yes.

Well, I'm proud to shake you by the hand.

Sir.

- You're damn good eggs.
- You're a gentleman, sir.

That's all. Dismissed.

- Damn, damn, damn.
- What's the matter?

Didn't you see that great, big
gold signet ring on his right hand?

- How could I have missed it?
- You disgust me.

When we get back to Blighty,
I never want to see you again.

Does that mean when I flog the stone,
you don't want your half share?

Go before I strike you.

Suit yourself.

I say, Private, would you mind taking
Captain Meldrum his glass of champagne?

We've got a bit of a rush on.
They've just started the Battle of Amiens.

Excuse me, sir. Your champagne.

Excuse me, sir.

Ahem. Excuse me, sir.

- Your early morning tea.
- Thank you. Thank you, Twelvetrees.

Oh, any news of Chesterton?

He passed away during the night, sir.

Oh, dear. He was a damn fine butler.

He was indeed, sir.

We must find someone
to replace him quickly.

I was thinking, sir.

I wonder if I might be
considered for the post.

Well, it's not up to me.
It's for my brother to decide.

I wonder if I might be so bold as to ask you to
put in a good word for me to His Lordship, sir?

Very well, I'll bring it up at breakfast.

No, no, Teddy. Twelvetrees is far too
young. What do you think, Lavender?

He's only been with us nine years.

Well, he did save my life during the war.

Saving people's lives is not necessarily
a qualification for being a good butler.

Good morning, Daddy.

- Morning, Grandmother.
- Good morning, my dear.

Morning, family.

- You were out late last night, Poppy.
- Yes.

Jerry took me to see Jesse Matthews
in One Damn Thing After Another.

Now don't use that language
at the breakfast table, Poppy.

- It's the new Cocky show.
- Cocky?

CB Cochrane, Grandmother.

And afterwards, we went
on to the Kit-Cat Club.

Absolutely divine. I just
adore the Kit-Cat Club.

Hutch was doing the cabaret.
He's got a super voice.

All the women are
absolutely crazy about him.

Well, I hate the place.

My chum Penelope had the most frightful row
with the head waiter.

He said it was against house rules
for girls to dance together.

Doesn't bother me.
I don't want to dance with girls.

Well, I don't want to
dance with girls all the time.

Just my chum Penelope.

I suppose you've heard
Chesterton kicked the bucket.

Yes. Rotten luck. Such a good butler.

Teddy wants to give the post to
Twelvetrees. What do you think?

I think he's absolutely scrumptious.

You think anything in
trousers is scrumptious.

No, no. He's definitely not right.
I'll get on to the agency.

Somewhere or other, there's bound to be
the right type of honest, reliable man.

I wanted a new horse.
There was a whole lot of them in a row.

I got on one critter and he fell down.

I got on another critter and he fell down.

I said to the guy who was selling them,
"I'll take the one on the end."

He said, "Don't take that
one or they'll all fall down."

For this next trick, I should need the help
of my beautiful assistant, Pocahontas.

(Drums beating)

(Drum roll)

I'm not having that balloon
on my bum anymore.

- All right. We'll go back to the knives.
- Oh, no, Dad. Not the knives.

They only took the stitches
out me ear last week.

All right, then, the hatchets.
It's a wonderful finish.

Dad, how can you put your own daughter
in mortal danger night after night?

It's only for a few more weeks, love,
till Myrtle comes out the infirmary.

- She's not coming back.
- What do you mean?

She told me last week
when I took her the calf's foot jelly.

She's finished. And I'm finished, too.

I never thought a daughter of mine
would turn out a coward.

- I am not a coward.
- Then what are you afraid of?

It's like we used to say in the war,

"If a bullet's got your name on it,
there's nothing you can do about it."

Well, it has got my name on it. Stokes.

- I just put that on for identification.
- How does the hatchet know?

Oh, let's face it, Dad.

It's an awful act.

Why don't you go back to your old job?

Because I was fed up
waiting hand and foot on them toffs.

Well, Mum said you were good at it

and you'd still be doing it
if it weren't for them silver fish knives.

They never used them.
They were vegetarians.

- Hello, Mr Challon, want a drink?
- No, thank you.

We'll have one in the bar
before I go on for the second house.

You won't be going on for the second house. I
saw your first house. You've got a dreadful act.

Well, now, be fair. It was only first house
Monday. There were only 20 people in.

Yes, and when you'd finished, there
were only 10. Right, I'm paying you off.

Head office has cancelled
the rest of your dates.

Here's 10 bob. Consider yourself lucky.

- Mr Challon.
- Hm?

How would it be if we
finished with the hatchets?

- No.
- But you'll be an act short.

No, I won't. I'm putting in Joe McVitty
and his educated poodles.

Well, now I've heard everything.

Fancy being replaced by a pack of poodles.

- What are we going to do, Dad? - Well,
that'll not get us very far. Here, you have it.

No, it's all right. I've got a
sovereign sewn up in my petticoat.

No, you have it, love. Here, go on.
I'll sell the hatchets.

Look...

you'd better go back to your mother.

What are you going to do?

Go back to being a butler.

You'll never get a reference off Sir Richard
after that business with the silver fish knives.

Yes, I will.
I know about him and the gardener's boy.

Why? What happened with the gardener's boy?

Never you mind, Ivy.

There are dark deeds that men do that have
no place in the mind of an innocent girl.

Fancy.

Will you clear the room as quick as you can?
Joe McVitty wants it for his educated poodles.

They can't be that educated
or they wouldn't come to a dump like this.

I'm going to miss you, Dad.

- In spite of the hatchets and knives.
- Yes.

I'm going to miss you,
love. You're a great kid.

- We've always got on, haven't we?
- Yes. Two of a kind.

- When am I going to see you again?
- Wait. Come on. Now listen.

As soon as I get fixed up,
I'm going to send for you. And I promise.

Get out of it. Get out. Get out of it.

You should have the situation, James.
We don't want strangers in the house.

Go up and ask if you can see His Lordship
when he's finished talking to young Maggie.

I couldn't do that, Mrs Lipton. I know my place.
My time will come when the good Lord wills it.

Do you mean the good lord
upstairs in the drawing room

or the good Lord on high?

Be quiet, Henry.

And stop spitting out arrowroot crumbs
all over my clean table.

Maggie just scrubbed it.

I wonder if I might trouble you for another
cup of your most excellent tea, Mrs Lipton?

Yes, of course, James.

I always say you make
the best cup of tea in London.

- Don't I always say that, Henry?
- Yes, you always say that, Mr Twelvetrees.

If you spit out any more crumbs,
I shall box your ears.

Sorry.

You did it again.

Maggie is a long time upstairs.
I wonder what's going to happen.

Least said, soonest mended.

- She's been crying a lot.
- Hold your tongue.

- And she's been sick a lot.
- I won't tell you again.

- Shall I go?
- No, Henry, you do not answer the door.

Not even in the servants' quarters
do you answer the door.

Mr Twelvetrees answers the door.
Isn't that right, James?

Quite right, Mrs Lipton. I answer the door.

- What happens when he's not here?
- Hold your tongue.

(Knocking on door)

If you don't answer that door soon,
they'll go away.

Mr Twelvetrees will not answer the door
until he is correctly attired.

- Isn't that right, James?
- Quite correct, Mrs Lipton.

You've got a lot to learn, Henry.

Ah! Good afternoon. I have been
requested to attend this address by...

"The Mrs Edwards Domestic Agency

"in connection with the vacant
situation of butler." Stokes is the name.

- You!
- Jim Twelvetrees as I live and breathe!

You're not coming in. If you don't
leave at once, I shall summon the police.

Oh, yeah? What will the charge be?

Desertion in the face of the enemy?
Robbing a wounded officer?

You could be a witness. After
all, you were there. You helped.

- Well, I was an innocent victim of your villainy.
- That's as may be.

But it's your word against mine.
I'm coming in.

Good afternoon, all! This is my lucky day.

A pot of tea on the table
and a beautiful woman at the stove.

And meeting up with an old army pal
I served with during the war.

Oh, what a lovely surprise, Mr Twelvetrees!

Yes, he's speechless with delight.

And can you wonder?
We saved each other's lives.

What? Both at the same time?

Hold your tongue.

I'm ruined. Disgraced.
How can I face my dad now?

A fallen woman.

And he pulled me down.

What am I going to do about the baby?
He took advantage of me.

And him being a "Honourable" as well.

Yes, well, it is rather a
contradiction in terms.

Our solicitors have been instructed to look after
you and I promise you will want for nothing.

- My baby wants a daddy.
- Yes, well, we can't help with that, I'm afraid.

Now, you come along, go downstairs,

get Mrs Lipton to give you a nice
cup of tea and a piece of cherry cake,

and then pack your bags and go.

And here is P5 to be getting on with.

You silly arse, Teddy! You'll ruin me.

This is the fifth settlement I've
had to make in the past nine years.

Not only that, we've lost
some damn good maids.

- I'm most awfully sorry.
- Well, I don't understand it.

There are so many damned attractive girls
of your own sort hanging about.

You could have the pick of society.
Not to mention chorus girls.

- Why do you go in for servants?
- I don't know.

It just comes over me.

I find myself creeping up the attic stairs,
my heart pounding.

Then I push open the door

and there's the smell of carbolic soap
mixed with cheap perfume.

Then there's the coarse sheets
and the feel of the rough nightgown...

Steady on, Teddy.

You'd better have a whisky or something.

- You never used to be like this.
- It was the war.

Well, I was in the war.
We were all in the war.

We didn't go charging off after
servant girls. There wouldn't be any left.

(Knocking on door)

Come in.

- Excuse me, m'lord.
- Yes, what is it, James?

There's a person to see you
regarding the vacant situation.

- Is he from the agency?
- Yes, m'lord.

The Honourable Edward knows him well.

Good God, Teddy! You haven't been creeping
up any other attic stairs, have you?

- Certainly not.
- All right. Show him in.

Mr Alfred Stokes.

Good afternoon, m'lord.
Good afternoon, sir.

Good heavens! Private Stokes!

- This man saved my life.
- I thought you said James saved your life.

- Yes, he did.
- How many times have you had your life saved?

Only once.

- By two people?
- That's right.

I see.

Well, in that case, you've got the job.
Provided your references are all right.

This is from my last employer, m'lord.

Good heavens! It's old Richard.
We were at Eton together for a while.

- Was he expelled?
- Yes.

- The usual?
- Yes.

They were trying to stamp it out.

- Did they succeed?
- No.

Well, let me see. "Trustworthy.
Reliable. Industrious and honest."

Well, you couldn't have had a better
reference had you dictated it yourself.

- Thank you, sir.
- That seems to be in order.

- Can you start straightaway?
- Of course, m'lord.

All right, James.
That'll be all. Thank you.

Now, Teddy, I wonder if you'd
leave us alone for a moment.

Yes, of course.

Oh, and thanks once
more for saving my life.

Well, Stokes, I hope
you'll be very happy with us.

- Thank you, m'lord.
- James will show you around.

And I will go over the silver with you
tomorrow morning after breakfast.

I shall look forward to it, m'lord.

Now your first job
will be to engage your new parlour maid.

A new parlour maid?
Shouldn't be much of a problem, m'lord.

There's plenty of those about.

Yes, but she also has to look
after the ladies of the house.

Well, naturally.

For a reason I won't go into,
I don't want anyone too pretty.

- Indeed.
- Indeed.

- I want somebody plain and ordinary.
- Plain and ordinary?

Leave it to me, m'lord.
I know the very girl.

Can I help you, little girl?

- I've got to go to number 12.
- That's Lord Meldrum's residence.

- The tradesman's entrance is this way.
- Thank you.

Those two girls have been waiting upstairs
for nearly an hour.

They shouldn't be here.

His Lordship asked me to get a maid
and I've sent for one.

- They're very pretty.
- How did they get here?

The Honourable Teddy rang the agency
off his own bat. I heard him in the hall.

Well, with respect, I think it
undermines your authority, Mr Stokes.

But them as pays the piper
is entitled to call the tune.

If you ask me, they're far too pretty.

I know why His Lordship wanted a plain one.

It's nothing to do with you, Henry.

My dad always used to say, "Men don't
makes passes at girls with fat arses."

(Bell ringing)

I shan't tell you again.

- The tradesman's entrance.
- We can all read, Henry.

- Hello, Dad.
- Hello, love. Look, don't call me that.

They mustn't know you're my daughter.
Take your mother's name.

- From now on, you're Ivy Teasdale. Come in.
- Sorry I'm late.

We were shoved in a siding
while the Royal train went by.

Well, hurry and tidy yourself up. I'm going
to take you straight up to see His Lordship.

- Oh.
- Come on, let me do that.

Now, Teddy, about this dinner party
tonight. Your partner is Madge Cartwright.

Madge Cartwright? Is
that the best you could do?

Unless you'd prefer me to invite the
parlour maid from number 10 for you?

That's a rotten thing to say.

Well, I'm sorry. But you are a bit of a problem
with this proclivity you have for certain girls.

- Yes, but Madge Cartwright.
- Well, she was a deb.

She came out in 1903.

Yes, well, from what I hear,
she still has a lot of go in her.

Jerry will be Poppy's partner.

- What are you doing about Cissy?
- I've invited Squiffy Withers.

That terrible chappie from the guards?
He never says anything. He just goes...

(Imitating Squiffy laughing)

Well, I'm sorry. I'm getting desperate.

I've got to get Cissy off with somebody.
All she does is go round with girls.

If you ask me, she's a bit of a tomboy.

Strange, men don't seem to go for her very much.
Maybe it's her short hair, monocle and trousers.

- I do wish she'd wear a pretty frock.
- Yes, I mean, Penelope, that friend of hers does.

Who's your partner?

Agatha.

Agatha?

That's still going on, is it?

I suppose after dinner, she'll suddenly be
taken ill and will have to stay the night

and you'll be creeping along the passage
to check her pulse.

It's nothing to do with you, Teddy.

- And where is Sir Ralph?
- He is climbing an alp.

You are playing with fire there, George.
If Sir Ralph ever finds out...

(Knocking on door)

Come in.

There are three girls waiting in the hall

for you to interview them
for the position of maid, m'lord.

Why three? I thought you said
you knew somebody suitable,

somebody plain and homely.

The agency was advised
of our requirements by someone else

in the household, m'lord.

Are the other two pretty?

In a common sort of way, sir.

Teddy!

Better see them while they are here.
It's awfully bad form otherwise.

- All right, send them in.
- Very good, m'lord.

Amy Pratt. Bella Sidebottom.

- Dad!
- Don't call me that!

Oh, sorry.

Them two has been in service, I haven't.

- They're bound to get the job.
- Don't worry about it.

- But they've got references.
- So have you.

I'm sorry. Neither of you is suitable.

Now you go downstairs and get Mrs Lipton
to give you a nice cup of tea

and a piece of cherry cake and then, go.

And here is half a crown
each for your services.

They were beautiful. Amy with her shiny
face, Bella with her chapped hands.

I can see them now, doing the washing up,
dusting, bristling the carpet and scrubbing.

Holystoning the front step.

We could've employed them both,
but you send them away.

I shall never see them again.

For goodness sake, pull yourself together.

If this goes on much longer,
we'll have to get you treatment.

(Knocking on door)

Come in.

Ivy Teasdale, m'lord.

My dear, Stokes speaks very highly of you.

Very fine references, sir.

- Lady Manners thinks very well of you.
- Who?

- Lady Manners, your last employer.
- Oh, her.

- Pay attention, girl.
- Sorry, Mr Stokes.

Now, let me see.

Ironing, seamstress, crochet,
embroidery, petit point, grate blacking.

Yes, I think you'll find
she's a treasure, sir.

Yes, I think so, too. Don't you, Teddy?

I've absolutely no idea.

Yes, well, you can start straightaway.

- P1 a week and two afternoons off a month.
- That's very generous of you, m'lord.

- Thank His Lordship, Ivy.
- Thank you for you generosity, m'lord.

And no followers.

- What are they?
- I know she hasn't any, sir.

As you can see, she's a very simple girl.

Indeed.

Stokes.

I asked you to get me a plain girl.

- Isn't she plain enough, sir?
- More than plain enough.

- You've done very well.
- Thank you, sir.

It may have seemed a somewhat strange request,
but there are certain members of our household

who upon seeing a pretty girl,
get sort of inflamed.

Oh, she won't inflame anyone, sir.

No.

- It was the damn war, you know.
- Yes, it affected us all, m'lord.

But I think we're safe with her.

Yes, I'm sure we are.

- Right, Ivy, you may go.
- Very good, m'lord.

Beautiful! You're wonderful!
With your shiny, scrubbed face

and those glasses with
the thumbprints on them...

Give over!

Oh, hang!

I've done all the flowers
upstairs, Mrs Lipton.

Oh, how lucky they are
having you in the household, James.

You've taken on all the little tasks

that are normally only in the province
of a gentlewoman,

ever since her dear ladyship passed away.

God rest her dear soul, Mrs Lipton.

It must be awful for His Lordship
to lie abed night after night

without the comfort of a
good woman beside him.

Why, is Lady Agatha a bad woman, then?

Oh, you found a uniform
that fitted you then, Ivy?

There's dozens up there.

Well, we've had lots of
maids coming and going.

Mostly going.

Why?

Yes, well, you look very nice, Ivy.

Mr Stokes wants to see
you in the dining room.

Oh, righto.

You think we ought to warn her, Mrs Lipton?

Least said, soonest mended, James.

When the household falls quiet
in the dead of night,

may her guardian angel
watch over her innocent soul.

♪ I took one look at you

♪ That's all I meant to do

♪ And then my heart stood still

♪ When the red, red robin
comes bob, bob, bobbing along

♪ Along... ♪

How do I look, Dad?
Sorry, I mean, Mr Stokes.

- You look champion.
- Bit of a change from me Red Indian outfits.

Well, they won't throw knives at you.

- Dad.
- What?

I'm a bit worried.

- What about?
- You know that funny one?

- What funny one?
- The one with the eyeglass.

Oh, that's His Lordship's brother,
the Honourable Teddy.

That's the one whose
life I saved during the war.

He tried to take advantage of me.

- Where?
- In the hall.

People don't take advantage of people in
halls. It's all in your imagination, Ivy.

It's not. He said I was beautiful with me shining,
scrubbed face and glasses with thumbprints on.

Now, listen, our Ivy.

You and I have got a good job here
for as long as it suits us.

So just keep out of his way.

If he tries to do more than
grab you in the hall, let me know.

I don't think I'm cut out to be a maid.
I feel terrible, like a fish out of water.

- Will they expect me to wait on table tonight?
- Yes, but don't worry about it.

I'm going to show you what to do.
That's why I sent for you.

- Don't the table look a picture?
- Yes.

All that silver.

- You haven't pinched any, have you?
- Shut up.

Look at these knives and forks.
How do they know which to eat what with?

It doesn't concern you.
You won't be eating.

I'll make it very simple.

All you've got to do tonight
is to take round the vegetables.

Now then, His Lordship will be sitting
at the head of the table.

Lady Agatha will be
sitting on his right hand.

And you always serve from the left.

- I'm left-handed. Do I serve from the right?
- No.

His Lordship will carve the meat
and Jim will take the plates round.

All you've got to do is
serve the vegetables.

Now then, here's the first dish.

- Why are you serving ping pong balls?
- It's just to show you. I robbed the games room.

These are the Brussel sprouts.
Look, you grasp the fork and spoon so,

and then you say, "Excuse me, m'lady.
Would you care for some Brussel sprouts?"

Excuse me, m'lady.
Would you care for some Brussel sprouts?

And then, of course,
you put them on the plate. So.

Simple. You do it.

Come on, grasp the fork and spoon.

Go on.

Excuse me, m'lady.
Would you care for some Brussel sprouts?

Pick them up!

- They're so light!
- You can be very clumsy at times, our Ivy.

What about you? Who was it
that sliced Myrtle's ear in half?

She flinched
and the band were playing the wrong music.

Oh, ping pong balls
are nothing like sprouts.

Look, just serve the potatoes.

And snooker balls are
nothing like potatoes.

- What do you say?
- Thank you.

No! To her ladyship!

Excuse me, m'lady.
Would you care for some Brussel sprouts?

- Potatoes!
- Oh, I mean, potatoes.

- What happens if she says no?
- Then don't give her any!

Just get on with it! And don't rush it!

Take it very slowly.

Excuse me, m'lady.
Would you care for some potatoes?

Yes!

Steady.

Steady.

Steady.

(Plate cracks)

Now look what you've done!

Do you think they'll notice?

Yes!

The food will fall right
through the middle.

Right, that's it. Give it here.
You do not serve the vegetables tonight.

Jim will do it.

I thought you said he was serving the meat.

Leave it to me. Go upstairs
and put a bandage on your finger

and pretend you've cut it
so you can only use one hand.

Just take the meat round
and clear the empty plates.

And you serve from the left
and clear from the right. Got it?

Serve from the left. Clear from the right.

Right. Now go upstairs and put a
bandage on your finger. You've cut it.

- Yes, Dad.
- Oh, and Ivy.

You don't really have to cut your finger.

I wasn't going to.

I'm not daft, you know.

Oh, Ivy, Mrs Lipton
wants you in the kitchen.

I can't come now.
I've got to go upstairs and cut me finger.

- What's the matter with her?
- She means she's cut her finger.

She's got to go upstairs
and put a bandage on it.

She won't be able to
serve the vegetables tonight.

You're doing it.

I haven't served the vegetables for
five years. I always serve the meat.

Well, you're not serving
it tonight. Ivy's doing it.

Now, you listen to me, Alf Stokes.

I've had a hard struggle
to attain my present station in life

and I do not intend to take a step down the
ladder because of some chit of a servant girl.

Don't you call our Ivy a chit!

What do you mean, "our Ivy"?

Well, she's part of the
household, isn't she?

- Well, you can serve the vegetables yourself.
- What and leave you to serve the wine?

- What sort of a man do you think I am?
- I'll tell you.

You're the sort of man
who robs a wounded officer.

You're up to something, Alf Stokes,
and I'm watching you.

Very well, James Twelvetrees,

you can watch me
while you're serving the vegetables.

I'll be here at 11:00, sir.

(Chuckling)

Good evening, Your Ladyship.
His Lordship is in the drawing room.

Thank you, Twelvetrees.

- They're all here, Mrs Lipton.
- Right.

Now then, Ivy, I want you to take this tray
up to Lady Lavender right away.

- Who is that?
- Her Late Ladyship's mother.

- Isn't she coming down to dinner?
- No, she's not well.

Oh, poor soul!

- Was it something she ate?
- No, it was something she drank.

Come in.

Good evening, Lady Lavender.
My name is Ivy.

Are you going to have a baby?

I'm the new maid. I arrived this morning.

Oh, in that case, you can't be.
There wouldn't have been time.

Put it over here, girl.

- What did you say your name was?
- Ivy.

What a dreadful name.
I shall call you Ethel.

Here's your supper.

I can't stop. I've got to go and
help with the dinner downstairs.

Now, don't eat the flower, will you? Ta-ra.

- Ethel.
- Yes, m'lady.

I don't like macaroni cheese.

And I don't like scrambled eggs.

And I don't like cocoa.

What about the bread and butter pudding?

- Dinner is served, m'lord.
- Thank you, Stokes.

Stokes is stoking the inner man.

(Squiffy laughing)

Teddy, lead the way, will you, please?

You're here, Squiffy. Next to Cissy.

Where have you been?
Look at the mess you're in.

Lady Lavender chucked her supper at me,
cocoa and all.

It was like being back in the act.

- Why didn't you dodge?
- 'Cause you always taught me not to flinch.

Go upstairs and get changed quickly.

And don't forget.
I told you to put a bandage on your finger.

- Sorry, I forgot.
- Well, do it now.

Soup coming up, James.

- Haul away, Henry.
- Yes, Mrs Lipton.

Evening all. Any grub going?

Well, you'll have to wait.
I'll give you a cut off the joint later.

What more could anyone ask, Mrs Lipton?

Where's that girl?
She should be here to serve the rolls.

- Who's going to serve the rolls?
- You are.

I don't serve the rolls. The maid serves
the rolls. I never serve the rolls.

You're serving them tonight.

You've got a ping pong
ball in your soup, Squiffy.

At most dinner parties,
they serve croutons.

Allow me, sir.

Stokes, where did that
ping pong ball come from?

It must have been young Henry, m'lord,
when he was doing the grate blacking.

I'll box his ears.

- Give him an extra one from me.
- M'lord.

That looks a picture, Mrs Lipton.

I hope His Lordship and his guests
don't consume an excess amount.

Oh, don't you worry, Constable Wilson.
This is for us. I took out the fillet.

Very wise.
Makes it easier for His Lordship to carve.

- That's what I always say, don't I, Henry?
- Yes, Mrs Lipton, that's what you always say.

Leave it alone, Henry.

I was damn scared, I can tell you.

There was this mob of miners
coming down Whitehall.

I was on patrol with my polo team
and things looked pretty desperate.

I thought, "We've got to separate them."

So we charged and knocked hell out of them
with our polo mallets.

I don't mind telling you,
those miners looked pretty ugly.

Miners usually are.

Well, I don't think there'll ever be
another general strike.

The workers have learnt their lesson.
I drove a bus.

When we got in amongst them,

I biffed one of the miners over the head
with my polo mallet.

He fell down in front of
my pony and made it shy.

Then another bounder poked my pony
with the sharp end of the banner pole.

What sort of person would do that
to a dumb animal?

Striking miners.

AGATHA: Yes. Well, there's only one way
to treat those sort of people.

Call the troops out.

Read the riot act, and if
they don't shift, open fire.

I drove a bus.

Well, it was damn dangerous.

Well, I think the government
treated the strikers disgracefully.

Look, I will not have any of your
damn bolshie talk at my dinner table.

Absolute piffle. Pure mashed potatoes.

You just can't trust those damn Reds.
Look what they did to the tsar in Russia.

Shot him in the basement.

I mean, how can you
mix with people like that?

You must admit, Daddy,
those miners didn't get very much money.

Nonsense, they got free coal.

Plenty of charities
handing out parcels of groceries.

My sympathy goes out to the police.
All they had were their truncheons.

Well, Stokes,
I don't suppose you'd ever go on strike?

No, no, m'lord. We know our place.

I nearly got the dish of Brussel sprouts
and shoved them right in his snooty face.

Come the revolution, I'll be up there
at that table and he'll be down here.

- You're talking like a bolshie, Mr Stokes.
- He always did.

As a constable in the Metropolitan Police, I cannot
sit here and listen to talk of Red revolution.

I wouldn't mind some more of
those excellent sprouts, Mrs Lipton.

Oh, you don't want these. They're
from upstairs. I've got some fresh ones.

Do I see a drop more wine in the decanter,
Mr Stokes?

Yes, help yourself. I've got two bottles.

- He pinched them from the cellar.
- How dare you, James?

I opened them for the party.
They were excess to requirements.

His Lordship does not
wish to drink stale wine.

Are you suggesting I should pour it
down the sink?

I'm sure His Lordship wouldn't want that.

- Well, I'm not having any. It's tainted.
- Tainted?

Chateau Lafite '99? Perish the thought.

- And will there be a nice drop of port
to follow? - Oh, I expect so.

Leave it to me, Mrs Lipton.

Well, Ivy, how have you enjoyed
your first day with us, then?

It's been lovely.
I think I'm going to be very happy here.

They're a lovely family. So friendly.

That daughter, the one with the eyeglass,
winked at me. Twice.

Ivy, take my advice.
Don't get too friendly with her.

Why not?

Because servants should know their place.

Oh, I see.

Well, I was bit worried about the Honourable
Edward, but I think he's all right.

He could see I was nervous
so he gave me a pat on my B-T-M.

Lucky, he didn't give you a G-O-O-S-E.

Hold your tongue!

What's he mean?

You think we ought to warn her?

Well, if you ask my opinion, Constable
Wilson, least said, soonest mended.

Now that the beastly strike is behind us,
we can return to the old order of things.

Honesty, fair play and above all,
decent Victorian values and morality.

- Hear, hear.
- Hear, hear, hear.

I shall start feeling ill
in about five minutes, George.

Good.

As soon as everyone's gone,
I'll come to your room.

I saw you winking at that girl,
Cissy. Hands off! I saw her first.

Well, may the best man win, Teddy.

You're an absolute rotter.

Don't be so stuffy,
Jerry. It's quite simple.

We just drive down to Brighton,
book separate rooms at the Metropole,

then you move your bed clothes about
and come to my room.

I'd like to propose a toast.

- Oh, just a minute.
- Yes, charge your glass, Mrs Lipton.

Here's to us and the brave new world.

Social justice, equality and progress.

If we follow the example of our betters,
we won't go far wrong.

A little nightcap in your
room later, Mrs Lipton?

A word to the wise, Ivy,
bolt your door tonight.

Oh, yes, I will.

Ivy, don't forget to
bolt your door tonight.

Ivy, there's no bolt on your door.

Put a chair under the handle.

♪ From Mayfair to Park Lane
You will hear this same refrain

♪ In every house again, again ♪

You rang, m'lord?

♪ Stepping out on the town
The social whirl goes round and round

♪ The rich are up, the poor are down ♪

You rang, m'lord?

♪ The Bunny Hug at the Shim Sham Club
The Charleston at The Ritz

♪ And at the Troc do the Turkey Trot
They give Aunt Maude a thousand fits

♪ Talking flicks are here today
And Lindbergh's from the USA

♪ Poor Valentino's passed away ♪

How sad, m'lord.