You, Me and the Apocalypse (2015): Season 1, Episode 9 - 24 Hours to Go - full transcript

(BEEPING)

# I can see clearly now
the rain has gone

JAMIE: See that?
That's the end of life as we know it.

# I can see all obstacles

Yeah. It's the end of the world.
The actual apocalypse.

# Gone are the dark clouds

And where am I?

I'm deep
under the suburbs of suburbia,

watching it on telly.

NEWSREADER:
One minute, now. One minute.

These pictures
coming live to us from Hubble.



And to think, just a few
short days ago, we were all so happy,

planning for a future that didn't exist.

What fools we were.

Thank you all for watching.
I hope we'll meet again.

What fools.

MAN ON RADIO: Ah, come on, enough
with the conspiracy theories, huh?

Just enjoy the party, pal.

The world's safe, end of story.

MAN: Yeah? Well, if everything's OK,

why hasn't the state of emergency
been lifted, huh?

- Well...
- And where are the Saviour scientists?

If I'd saved the world, I'd be expecting
banquets at the White House.

- And the President...
- Can we turn this off?

Why isn't he on my TV
shutting this speculation down?



(RADIO OFF)

(WOMAN GASPS)

I forgot my curling irons.

There are some in the bunker.

You see, the First Lady's
undergone the menopause so...

from a genetic perspective
it makes sense.

You really don't have to explain, sir.

I understand. Perfectly.

PRESIDENT: Seven billion people
going about their lives,

oblivious to what's in store.

Poor bastards.

(BELLS CHIME)

CELINE:
This report about Jude is all wrong.

It was not like this.

He was excited, full of hope.

He'd just resigned from the priesthood.

- He was having a breakdown, Celine.
- No, he was not.

He'd broken his vows,

was racked with guilt over your affair.

The fact is, he committed suicide.

The coroner found no evidence
of foul play.

The important thing is, you mustn't
blame yourself for his death.

Now, fortunately,

the Church takes a more tolerant view
of suicide than it used to

so we can
still give him a proper burial.

No. I want his body back.

- Sister Celine...
- Just Celine.

I am no longer a sister.

He was no longer a priest and I do
not wish for him to be buried here.

Then where will you go?

- (UPBEAT MUSIC)
- JAMIE: Up yours, comet, we won!

- Dave, thoughts?
- Yo! Yo! Best party ever!

In the history of history! Awesome!

JAMIE: Still got it, Mum.

So now we've got a future,
what do you wanna do?

Um... Hang out with my dad!

(LAUGHS)

Um... I'm gonna start again.

Do it right this time, I promise.

(GIGGLES)

LAYLA: And what about you,
what are you gonna do?

I'm gonna be the best husband

and dad that I can be

and I'm gonna live
and be more spontaneous!

DAVE: Jamie! Phone!

Say again? I can't hear you!

Yes!

OK... Thank you.

LAYLA: You alright?

Yeah. Um...

My dad died.

(SOUND OF RECORDER BEING PLAYED
BADLY)

PAULA: I'm watching you, lady.

You think you can just swan back in here
as if nothing's happened?

You lied to my son.

Yeah. So did you.
You never told him he was adopted!

BOTH: Dave!

I can't help it, alright?
I've got no depth perception.

Like I said, you're welcome to stay
as long as you want.

You're part of the family now.

(DOOR OPENS)

(AIR HORN BLARES)

Rise and shine, McNeil. You got a date.

- What the hell's going on?
- I don't know.

I only found out about this an hour ago.

But you're prepared, right?

OK, let's move this along.
It's been a long night.

Next up, People versus Rhonda McNeil.

Your Honor,
I'd like to move for a postponement.

With the comet now diverted,
it's clear that the state of emergency

- will be repealed any day now.
- Motion denied.

Your Honor!

Under Article Eight
of the Emergency Measures Act,

this case will be heard today
by me and me alone.

- PAULA: David!
- (SOUND OF RECORDER BEING PLAYED)

Aweek in the honeymoon suite
at the Cornbrook Hotel, Windsor!

Thank you!

There's too many people in this house

and right now
I just wanna be with you and Frankie.

Just the three of us.

So... Windsor.

That's literally one town away.

It involves crossing a river.

- (LAUGHS)
- That's travel, right?

And, besides, last time we went on
holiday you disappeared for seven years.

Yeah. OK, fair point.

OK. Frankie and I will pack our bags
and head to Windsor.

You sure you don't want us
to come to the funeral?

Yeah. Frankie's too young.

And, anyway, it's not that big a deal.

I hardly knew him.

I'm tired of being sad.

I just want a bit of happy.

Colonel Gaines,
I wanna thank you for this.

And for your, uh, discretion.

I would like to commend you
for the Medal of Honor.

You and your colleague.

- Husband, sir.
- Pardon?

Scotty is my husband.

Oh. I see.

Well, I'm sure this must
be very difficult for you, um...

seeing as tomorrow...

Well, you know.

After you, Mr President.

GAINES: Sir, I am truly sorry.

(SCREAMS)

You wanna die today or tomorrow?

- Tomorrow!
- Then run.

Taking a US marshal hostage,
taking a child hostage,

escaping from prison, and all of this
on top of hacking into the NSA.

Are those really
the actions of a school librarian? No.

Facts. Deus Ex sprung her from jail.

The leader of Deus Ex
claims her as a member.

There is only one conclusion to draw.

That McNeil is an active member
of this terrorist organization.

And as such, the State urges Your Honor
to impose the maximum possible sentence.

The State rests its case.

JUDGE: Does the defense
have any witnesses to call?

Well, yes!

But we would need time...

Do you have them here or don't you?

Well, no, we didn't know
the hearing was today so...

The defense rests its case.

What? That's it?

You've gotta be kidding me.

- This is wrong!
- Silence!

- I deserve a real trial!
- Counsel!

- With a jury and a real judge!
- You will control your client!

He doesn't even have a hammer!

He doesn't have
the little judge hammer thing!

Shut up! This isn't helping.

Rhonda McNeil, by the powers vested
in me by the Emergency Measures Act,

I find you guilty of all charges.

I sentence you to death by hanging
at midnight tonight.

- Oh, hey. You here for Jude's...
- Wrong funeral!

Go to hell.

You alright?

I just got heckled by a pensioner.

I can't believe she was married to Jude.

Even the celibates
are getting more action than me.

Can we talk about Layla?

(WHISPERS) Mum, we're at a funeral.

It's just I don't want you
to jump back in too soon.

I can't believe
that she's your step-mum.

I haven't got any mums.

You've had, like, what,
12 in the last month. How's that fair?

(PANICKED CONVERSATION)

- SCOTTY: Ladies, please.
- WOMAN: They can't keep us here.

SCOTTY: I know. Let me explain.

- I'm not staying here.
- Listen, I understand

that you are all very upset.

We were drugged and abducted!

We woke up in here to find out that,
hey, guess what?

You're the future of the human race.

There's a fridge full of sperm.
Enjoy yourselves.

So, yeah,
I think we have a right to be upset.

WOMAN: Exactly.

Let us go. Now.

OK, if you... wanna leave then...
you're free to go.

- WOMAN: Thank you!
- (ALL TALKAT ONCE)

Look, I wish that
we hadn't abducted you.

OK, if there had been any other way
without causing widespread panic,

believe me, we would have done it
but there weren't any good options,

there were just shitty ones.

That's our future.

When Arnold and I go home,

we cook some food, drink a bottle
of wine that we've been saving

and take one of those pills each.

We die tonight.

SCOTTY: And you don't have to.

You are here because we believe in you.

You fill us with hope that humanity
can be better next time around

and that hope has sustained us
through some terrible things

- that we had to do to get you here.
- Like what?

- Shooting the president.
- (ALL GASP)

- Killed my own commander in chief.
- WOMAN: Why?

Cos if he'd been in here,
we would have ended up

with the same crap all over again.

He wasn't fit
to lead mankind into a new age.

I hope that you might be.

- We have to leave.
- Yeah.

SCOTTY: Thank you for listening.

The door will be sealed behind us
so if you do wanna leave,

now is your last chance.

- What are we gonna do?
- (ALL TALKAT ONCE)

WOMAN: Why don't you stay?

After the things we've done,

it wouldn't be right to save ourselves.

Good luck.

CELINE: The awful truth is
I want the comet to hit.

I know it's selfish.

But I don't want a future without him.

I only met him 33 days ago.

But I did more living in that time...

than in the 30 years before.

He made me feel... alive.

But now...

SUTTON: It was just awful!

I mean,
God knows I was a terrible mother

but you shouldn't outlive your children.

And to top it all,
that little prick Ariel was there!

Love you too, Grandma.

Your security system's a disgrace.
You should really get that looked at.

Oh, and that little prick wasn't me.
I'm guessing you just met Jamie.

SUTTON: Who the hell is... Oh!

So Jamie is your twin.

No flies on you, are there?

Yet, funny, isn't it,
how long ago all of that feels?

You needing blood,
me needing the bunker.

Still... Now that none of us
are going to die...

- You've a nerve coming here.
- Haven't I?

See, now that there's a future,
I've been thinking what it holds for me.

What kind of man will I be?

And the answer I've come up with is...

Rich.

And that's where you come in.

I'd like my inheritance now, please.

This amount, first day of every month,
into this account.

After all, it'd be a terrible shame

if the world was to find out
you're actually alive.

Now that there is a future,
you really wanna spend it behind bars?

You're blackmailing me.

Oh, how adorably old-fashioned!

- Molby, take care of him.
- (GUN CLICKS)

You really think I'd come
without an insurance policy?

I'm sure you'll be keen to avoid
my little website going live.

It's just a bunch of photos,
videos, maps.

You know,
stuff lawyers might call evidence.

It automatically goes live
unless I enter a code every 12 hours

so by all means kill me.

Seal your fate. Your choice.

(LAUGHS) You know...

In another life,
I would have rather liked you.

You'll get your money.

But if I ever see your face again,

I will have you killed.

MAN: Take your clothes off.

You wear this now.

MAN: Watch your fingers,
gentlemen, this one's a biter!

- Get yourself a tetanus shot!
- (PRISONER GROANS)

(PRISONER WAILS)

(PRISONER SCREAMS)

Oh, hey, hon. Have you lost weight?

(SPITS)

GAINES: What a view.

That's beautiful, isn't it?

- GAINES: You OK?
- SCOTTY: Hm-hm.

I was just thinking...

how lucky I am to have had you
in my life.

We just shot the President. Shouldn't
you be having a nervous breakdown?

(LAUGHS)

Yeah. (LAUGHS) Yeah.

Oh, wow.

Alright, let's do it.

You sure about this?

Cos once I hit send,
the shit hits the fan.

I know.

But everybody has the right
to say goodbye.

Yeah.

(PHONE BEEPS)

Apologies again
for the "Slough-ness" of the wake.

It's fitting.
He would have liked it. To Jude.

ALL: To Jude.

MAN ON TV: We're going to interrupt
as we've got disturbing news

breaking out of America.

This tape was released
just a couple of minutes ago.

My name is General Gaines.

I was the commanding officer
responsible for Operation Saviour.

It is with great regret that
I must now discharge my final duty

and inform you...
that Operation Saviour did in fact fail.

Contrary to what you were told,

the comet was not sufficiently
diverted from its course

and will strike the Earth
tomorrow at 3:49am Eastern.

That's 8:49am Greenwich Mean Time.

(SCREAMS) No! No!

No!

GAINES: Although this will come
as little comfort, I want you to know

that plans are in place to ensure
the survival of the human race.

No one involved in this cover-up

has used it
to ensure their own survival.

The President
of the United States is dead.

I, too, will perish with you.

I accept full responsibility
for my actions...

No, stay there, we'll come get you.
Layla?

GAINES: It was done for the right
reasons and I stand by my decision.

Fuck!

- LAYLA: Jamie?
- Like you, I am afraid.

Jamie?

And, like you,
I intend to spend what time I have

- with the people I love.
- It's OK. It's OK. Daddy's coming.

I hope you can find some solace
in these, our final hours.

I wish you good luck.

- May the road rise to meet you.
- SUTTON: Bring in the other kids.

You, prep the bunker.
Do what you can with what we have.

You... You're coming with me.

WOMAN ON TV:
Scenes of disorder and destruction

are amassing
from every part of the world...

PAULA: Here we go!

Right. Now, we can all sit here,

feeling sorry for ourselves,

or we can part-ay like it's 1999!

And I mean the one
that Prince promised me.

Not the one I actually got.
That was crap. (LAUGHS)

So I vote for Prince. Who's with me?

- Yeah, go on then.
- Good boy.

Here, get this down your neck, Jamie.
We're going out in style!

I can't,
I've gotta get Layla and Frankie.

I'll be back in time, Mum, I promise.
We'll be together at the end.

The whole family.

I love you, Mum.

I love you too, son.

(ALARMS BLARE)

(SIRENS WAIL)

(TIRES SCREECH)

What are you doing? Get out of the way!

Hello, Jamie.

You were at the funeral.

Of course. I wanted
to pay my last respects to my son.

- Your son?
- Yes.

You mean you're my...

Yes, Jamie. I am your grandmother.

It's lovely to meet you.

OK. Great.
Can you move your car, please?

Oh, come now, Jamie, surely
you can spare me a minute or two?

Actually, no, sorry.

Any other day, yes, but today
is all about my wife and daughter

so can you please...

I... can save their lives.

That's really sweet of you
but you can't save them.

See, there's a big rock coming

and there's nothing
any of us can do about it.

I know. Now be a good boy
and stop patronizing me. Here.

JAMIE: What?

You've got a bunker?

Only nutters have bunkers.

And it's in Slough?

Just come to the bunker.

Look, no offense, but I don't know you

and now suddenly you're asking me
to come and live in a hole?

The definitive word
in that sentence is live.

Whaddya say?

David, this bucket list is pathetic!

Seriously?
You haven't done any of those?

What have you been doing with your life?

I don't know. Angry Birds.

Lies. All lies.

Yeah. Funny, that!

We met this man! He's not Jesus!
He drives a taxicab in Bilbao.

He claims he helps people
but it's not true.

We filed a report. They know
he's a fraud. How could they do this?

Jude warned me about them.

Look, Celine, darling... Let it go, eh?

What does it matter?

We're all gonna be dead anyway.

Go on, get that down you.

(MOANS)

I'm sorry, God.

I'm so sorry.

No need to apologize, dear.
It's going to be alright.

Mint?

Who are you?

I am God.

And you are very drunk.

Forgive me.

Oh, good grief. The groveling.
Always the groveling.

Can't we just be pleased
to see each other?

Jude sends his love, by the way.

So he's in heaven? Thank God.

And between you and me, it's nice
to have some totty round the place.

I am so sorry.

I broke my vows, I let you down.

The only thing
I'm sad about is you leaving.

But I never left you.

I need you, Celine.

You're part of my plan.

Always were and always will be.

- (KNOCKING AT DOOR)
- MAN: Oi, let me in, I'm gonna puke!

I'm gonna hurl!

RHONDA: This is my last meal?

I thought we were supposed
to get something we like.

Oh my God, how can you even be hungry?

I ain't hungry. You're looking
at pure willpower right here.

They gonna kill me,

I'm gonna make it as disgusting for them
as I possibly can.

I plan to poop myself the likes
of which you ain't never seen before.

What's for dessert, ass face?

- Screw you.
- You wish.

I don't even understand why you're here.

I mean, I know you escaped
and everything but...

Hardly seems worth the death penalty.

I guess they must have gotten me
on aiding and abetting a terrorist, huh?

Oh God, you're here cos of me?

- Leanne, I'm so sorry.
- Come on, it ain't your fault.

It's my... back-stabbing,
bitch-ass husband put me in here.

What happened?

Well... I guess you could say
things kinda went downhill

after I helped you escape.

Todd Senior was pissed at me. Oh!

We was fighting all the time.

Sex went downhill...

We was barely doing it two, three times
a night there towards the end.

Worst part about it was...

he turned my kids against me.

Poisoned their minds against me somehow.

Then the sheriff came to the door

and I found out
there'd been a reward out on me.

$10,000.

20 years of marriage
sold out for the price of a boob job.

I don't know what to say.

Rhonda, listen to me.

I know you're scared
and I know you feel like

you ain't never gonna see your husband
and your son again but that ain't true.

You are gonna see them again, in heaven.

You ain't gonna be alone like me.

- You're not gonna be alone.
- Of course I am.

I ain't got nobody.

I always used to think white was right.

But it's white that betrayed me.

Hmm.

I guess the joke's on me, ain't it?

(LAUGHS)

You know, it don't feel too good
to realize that

you been wrong...
about every single thing.

Maybe it weren't the blacks
and the queers and the Jews

I shoulda had a problem with.

Maybe it was just men.

(SIGHS)

(DOOR OPENS)

OK, General,
hang up those guns and lock the door.

My private is standing to attention
and awaiting your...

- (SPIKE CLEARS THROAT)
...order.

Hi, Uncle Scotty.

Hello, Scotty, my name is Larsson
and I work for your mother.

(LAUGHS)

OK. Um...

My mother's dead. So whoever you are,
could you please just...

Kenneth?

That's my Kenneth!

- How did you get this?
- Like I said, I work for your mother.

I don't have time to explain now
but she is alive

and she wants to save your life.

No, that's... that's impossible.
My mother is dead!

My sister and I...

We... We were orphans at five years old.

You know what? Boo-fucking-hoo.

Hey! You don't talk to him like that.

I'll level with you.
I'm not here for my people skills.

I'm sure you've stuff
to work out with your mother

but for now let's stick to the facts.

Armageddon is tomorrow.
Your mother has a bunker.

She wants to save your life
so let's go.

Well, actually, no,

I'm sorry to disappoint you
but I don't wanna live.

- But your nephew does.
- Hey, that's great. That is great.

So you go have fun
but you can count me out of it.

And what about Mom?

She's in jail cos you uh...
put her there.

Don't you think you owe her?
Don't you think you owe me?

Man,
what do you want me to do about it?

She's being held on a military base,
which is where you come in.

SPIKE: Please.

You guys are her only hope.

GAINES: Come on, man.

(LAUGHS)

Fine. Fine. We'll help you get Rhonda
and we'll help you survive.

We're not saving ourselves.

Right?

Right.

I appreciate this
but I really don't need to be babysat.

Yeah, well, better safe than sorry.

MOLBY: It's chaos, Jamie. You wanna get
your family to the bunker, don't you?

And it'll be safe in the bunker, right?

Be a hell of a lot safer
than not being in there.

It's just...

(TIRES SCREECH)

(GLASS SHATTERS)

Whoo!

- No.
- Yes.

(GUN CLICKS)

(GASPS)

You like?

I call this look...

Corporate Gimp.

What are you doing?

Ending Doofus, doofus.

I could have just shot you in the car
but it didn't feel right.

Whereas this...

Entombed in your own bank vault.

Atedious suburban end
to a tedious suburban life.

What have I ever done to you?

You know what it was like to grow up
being told how much better you were?

Mum used to call you her "special boy."

Said she gave you up
cos you deserved better.

So I cyber-stalked you

to find out what all the fuss was about.

Only you weren't special.

You were average.

And I kept you that way.

You know, the only thing sadder
than being a bank manager in Slough

is playing a game

where your avatar
is a Slough bank manager.

And then having to watch

as your wife falls in love with him.

Don't!

So you met Grandma, then?

She's a dear, isn't she?

Sadly, I burnt my bridges there
but luckily you didn't.

So all I need do to survive
is pretend to be you.

I've realized...

Doofus wasn't a game.

It was a rehearsal.

I've watched you for so long.

I know how you talk.

How you move.

I know how you think.

So I'm gonna go now, find Frankie,

Layla, and enjoy my night
in the honeymoon suite.

Leave them alone.

Please.

(DOOR LOCKS)

(ALARMS BLARE)

OK...

If you're gonna be him...

you're gonna have to face this.

Germs cannot get you.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

OK.

Yeah.

(LAUGHS)

OK.

Jamie, why are you stroking the bank?

(LAUGHS) See?

I knew it was more
than a job for him. It's a fetish.

- DAVE: Sex money.
- (BOTH GIGGLE)

What you even doing here? Where's Layla?

J... Just...

wanted to say goodbye.

And clear out my desk.

(LAUGHS) God! That is so you!

It's like Captain Anal strikes again.

I am what I am!

So why are you here?

Well, um...

PAULA: We've been bucket listing
and we've got some news for you, Jamie.

After having several small sherries...

David here has asked me
to be his good lady wife.

And I... have said yes.

(LAUGHS)

We're getting married! (LAUGHS)

No, Mum, you're not.

- I forbid it.
- (SIGHS)

Our family's already weird enough
without that as my step-dad.

- I told you he'd be like this.
- Mm.

Like what? Sane?
You don't even like him!

Every morning on the way to school,
same lecture.

"Why do you hang out with Dave?
He's a loser, he drags you down."

And now suddenly he's marriage material?

Oh, for God's sake! Stop being so...

- Jamie-ish!
- (LAUGHS)

It's the end of the world!
What does it matter?

What does it matter? She's my mum!

Just... Look, just come here.

Come on.
Mate! Hey, don't fight it. Come on.

Come on, come here. Now listen.

I promise to be
the best father I can be for you.

Paula, come on. Come on,
let's have ourselves a Jamie sandwich.

- Come on.
- Oh... Please, Jamie.

You know
I've always wanted to get married

and it would mean the world to me
if you walked me down the aisle.

Plus it'd take our minds off
all this dying stuff.

Huh?

OK, Mum, I'll do it.

Yes! I knew you'd come round!

I love you, Jamie.

I love you too, Mum.

- (WHISPERS) How are we gonna do this?
- Just walk in.

Now shut up and try to look butch.

Open the damn gate.

- Sir, can I help you?
- Hell is everybody?

- Sir, they, uh... They left, sir.
- They left?

That's a disgrace. Why are you smiling?

- Sir, I'm not smiling, sir.
- Are you calling me a liar?

I say you're smiling, I say you're
proud of the cowardice of your regiment!

Guardhouse, now!

This is the guardhouse, sir.

Well, open the door, then!

(SIGHS)

Sir, sir, you're not allowed to...

Do not tell me where
I can and cannot go, son.

Now open that cell.
I've got orders from the President.

- No, sir, I can't, I have orders.
- (SHOUTS) From me!

Don't make me go Mount Vesuvius on you,
son, or is that what you want?

You want me to erupt and spray
my hot, molten lava upon you?

Ask yourself, is that what
you really want? To be my Pompeii?

I... I don't exactly know what
that is, sir, but I don't think so.

Then open the door.

OK.

McNeil, today is your lucky day.

- We have to get Leanne.
- Shut up and keep moving.

I can't just leave her.
Hey, open her cell!

I don't take orders from you.

- What the hell is this?
- You heard her, open the other cell.

I said open the door.

You heard the man.

Be a good boy now.

Sir, I'm gonna need to see those orders.

Open it.

Sir... I cannot comply
unless you show me those orders.

Show me the orders!

Don't do this, Private.

- (GUNSHOT)
- (RHONDA SCREAMS)

(GROANS)

- GAINES: Scotty, look at me!
- RHONDA: Oh my God!

Look at me. Hey. Hey.

MAN: Shots fired. All guards
to section nine. Shots fired.

- Shots fired. Guards to section nine.
- GAINES: Gotta go.

- GAINES: Come on!
- (GROANS)

Let's go, let's go!

RHONDA: Hold on, Scotty, hold on!

MAN: Got a man down!

Soon, Jude. Soon. I am ready.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

(GASPS)

Daddy!

- Where were you? We were worried sick.
- I know.

We don't have to worry
about anything any more.

See, there's this bunker.
We're gonna go there.

And we are gonna survive.

The three of us, together, a family,

Our family.

We'll never be apart again.

(GROANS)

(GROANS)

I love you, Jamie.

I love you, too.