You, Me and the Apocalypse (2015): Season 1, Episode 8 - Saviour Day - full transcript

With a week to go before the comet hits Earth the Operation Saviour missile is launched to knock it off course whilst in Slough Layla gets a message from Ariel offering Frankie's safe return if she will go back with him. Layla and Jamie decide to call his bluff, leading to a stand-off in a car park where they are triumphant. Celine quits the church for Jude, who also leaves when he is told that the search for a Messiah was purely a ruse to give Catholics false hope, but for them romance would seem to be doomed. In her prison cell Rhonda hears that Operation Saviour has been a success and, along with the rest of the world, celebrates. But have they all been lied to?


# I can see clearly now
the rain has gone

JAMIE: See that?
That's what's gonna kill everyone.

Any second now.

Yeah. It's Judgment Day.
The actual apocalypse.

And where am I? In Slough.

Or, rather, under Slough.

NEWSREADER: One minute now. One minute.

These pictures
coming live to us from Hubble.

JAMIE: We could be trapped here
for months.

Years, even.

What do we do
when we run out of conversation?

I'm hopeless at small talk.

It's time to brace ourselves.
To say goodbye.

The world waits with bated breath.

In a few short hours,

we'll know whether
Operation Saviour has succeeded

and whether mankind has a future.

I'm here outside mission control.

The media aren't allowed in.

But we understand the Saviour team
have been working through the night

to make sure that everything
goes to plan.

The hopes of the entire human race

rest on the shoulders
of these men and women.

One can only imagine what's going
through their minds right now.

These pictures are coming live
from the Saviour craft, sir.

Well, not exactly live.

There's a time delay
because of the distances involved.

Of course.

Could um... Could you explain to me
the exact sequence of events?

- Scotty.
- Yeah.

Yeah, of course. Um...

OK, well,
if we use this muffin as the comet.


- And this banana as the craft.
- Gotcha.

Now, once our craft
is in the comet's orbit...

the craft will split in two.

And this bit, the leader,

slams into the comet
in order to make a crater.

And the follower,
which has the nukes in it,

hits the crater a few seconds later
and then...

- Boom!

- It's kinda like a boxing combo, sir.
- One-two punch, right?

We only need to knock the comet
off its current course

by a couple of degrees
for it to miss Earth.

When we first met, you said the chances
of this working were one in three.

- Yes.
- Do you still think that?

Well, we've done better than I hoped.

And right now I'd say...

I'd say we're 50-50.

- Good work, soldier.
- Thank you, Mr President.

- JUDE: One moment!

- JUDE: Into the closet.
- CELINE: I don't want to.

JUDE: Just stay right here. Go!


I thought I heard... voices.

That's often the first sign of madness.

To what do I owe this pleasant visit?

The cardinals request
your presence at an urgent meeting

to discuss
the implications of Operation Saviour.

They would like a full status report
on all your would-be Messiahs.


Where were we?


I don't want to have to hide in closets.

I know.

We both agreed that our work
is too important to walk away from it.

We have to finish what we started.

And how long will that take?

I wish I knew.

I wish it didn't have to be
like this but...

I had a dream last night.

Me and you in Florence,
watching the sunset, holding hands.

It sounds clich?, I know,
but it was wonderful.

Just you and me.

A man and a woman being ordinary people.

And then I wake up.

And before I know it, I'm in the closet.

I've never been to Florence.

I wish I could give that to you.

But we have to finish...

I know.

Every day for a week
and you've done nothing!

So you can get off your arses
and find my daughter, you muppet!

She doesn't mean it,
she's just stressed.

- Thank you, sir.
- Thanks, guys. See you tomorrow.

How was that helping Frankie?

We need them on side!

- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap.
- No. No, I like it when you snap.

I like it when you show some oomph.

We need more oomph cos no one else is
gonna help us find our daughter, Jamie.

- You can forget the police!
- Let's not do anything hasty.

Jamie, we could be dead in a week.

If we're not gonna do hasty things now,
then when are we?

All Frankie's got is us
and we're failing her.

Putting up posters
and doing Facebook appeals

is getting us
no closer to finding your brother.

OK. Well, what else can we do?

Well... (SIGHS)

I don't know.

I only ran to keep Frankie safe,
to keep her away from Ariel,

and it's made no difference, has it?

He's got her anyway.

I failed.



- What's that? What are you making?
- Eat your peas.

I hate peas. And I hate you.

Why don't you like my real dad?

Why do you wear those gloves?

- Why don't you get your hands...
- Oh my God, do you ever shut up?


What do I have to do to make you stop?


I'm not giving you sweets.
They're bad for you.

I'll wet myself.

And you'll have to clean it up.

And then I'll wet myself again.


Fine! I'll get you sweets!


Mum says
Dave's feeling a bit better today.

She's just given him a bed bath.

Actually, that's weird.
Why is she texting me that?

Jamie, look.

Have you seen Seven?

How's that helping, Jamie?
How's that a helpful comment?

No. I'm sorry. I... I wasn't thinking.

LAYLA: That's Ariel's handwriting.

Good grief, there's poetry!

- JAMIE: What's he saying?
- It says he's still in love with me.

And if I go back to him,
nothing happens to Frankie.

And then it gets a bit porny.

No, make that very porny.

Then it says he's gonna call me later
and tell me where to go.


- Why are you smiling?
- Don't you get it?

We've got something he wants.

Me! We've got leverage.

Jamie, how would you feel
about taking me hostage?

Celine? What are you doing?
This is Father Jude's room.

Please tell me you haven't.

Come with me, child. We must talk.

Do you believe in hell?

- Yes.
- Good.

I know it is fashionable to believe it
a metaphor but it is not. It is real.

A place of infinite misery and torment.

The Final Judgment
could be just days away, Celine.

You have picked a terrible moment
to break your vow of chastity.

- Have you been to confession?
- I don't want to repent.

I love him. How can love be bad?

It isn't. But hypocrisy is.

You must make a choice.

God, Jude, the sisterhood.

You can have two but only two.
It is that simple.

If you wish to stay with him,
you must leave the order

and he must leave the priesthood.

And you can live as man and wife
in God's grace.

He says he cannot.
That we must finish what we started.

Then open your eyes, my child.
He does not love you.

How could it be love
if he would put your soul in danger?

You must make your choice today.

I know your heart is good.

But if you die in sin,

then you will burn in hell forever.

And so will Jude.

Jude! Jude!

- What is it?
- We need to talk.

- I... I'm late for the cardinals.
- Jude, now!

What's going on? Why are you so upset?

I want you
to leave the priesthood today.

OK, what's happening?
Where's this coming from?

What we are doing is wrong.
And we both know it.

You say you hate lies and hypocrisy.
We are the biggest liars.

No more hiding in cupboards, in closets.
I want you, Jude.

I want you too but it's not that simple.

It is.

Leave with me today.
Let's live honestly.

- I want you more than any of this.
- This is bigger than us.

It is. And I'm not done.

We were done the moment
we slept together.

I hear you. We'll talk later.


Oh, hey! How are you?

Oh! Oh, thanks, guys!

Such sweeties.

Shut up, McNeil, you piece of shit.

(LAUGHS) They crack me up!

They're doing this whole
like Abu Ghraib thing. It's hilarious.

OK. Bye! We'll talk about
all the shoe stuff later.

Are you OK?

You have to get me out of here.
Why am I even on a military base?

The president
imposed a state of emergency.

The judicial process has been suspended
in favor of military tribunals.

Your chances of getting
a fair trial are zero.

I have rights!

No, Rhonda,
you don't have any rights whatsoever.

The State will seek
the death penalty for you.

And what's more,
they'll probably get it.

And? And? What's our strategy?



Get down on your knees and pray.

Pray that Saviour works.
Pray that the rockets hit.

Pray that the comet misses. Pray that
the state of emergency gets lifted

and you get a proper trial.

Goodbye, Rhonda.


JAMIE: This is insane!
It makes no sense whatsoever.

He's never gonna believe that
I've snapped and taken you hostage!

Jamie, I hate to break it to you

but you are absolutely
100 percent the type to snap.

Tightly wound, lower-middle management
with a disastrous love life.

You've got potential shooting spree
written all over you.

You can do this. Look at me. Look at me.

You are the sweetest, kindest man
I have ever known

- but that is no good to us now.

Please, Jamie, for our daughter.

I need you to be a dick. You can do it.


No. Jamie.

You must be my brother.

I don't want to talk to you.
I want to speak to Hawkwind.

Well, I'm getting
a little bored of what you want.

Let's talk about what I want.

That's not how this works.

It is now
you've taken my daughter hostage.

So I've taken our wife hostage.

You want Hawkwind back?
Fine. Let's swap.

No. Nice try, Jamie, but I don't
believe you. You still love her.

You think so?
After everything she put me through?

I know all about that game
you played with me.

I know Layla was just a fiction.

And I know
I wasted years of my life on a lie.

So, no.

How could I love someone
who betrayed me like that?

Who hurt me more than anyone else,
including you?

Congratulations, Ariel.

You broke me.

So if you think for one second
I'm the same Jamie I was,

you are sorely mistaken!

Now we are doing things my way!

First, I want to know Frankie's OK.

So put her on. Now.

It's your dad. Say something.


Hey, Frankie, are you OK?

He's given me all the sweets I want.

And I don't have to eat anything else.

There. Happy?

You can't just give her sweets,
you dick!

She needs her five a day!

OK. My turn. Put Hawkwind on.

Husband number one wants a word.

Ariel? I'm so scared!

He's cracked!

You have to get me out of here.

What's he done to you?

He's got...

He's got my foot in a... food processor!

And he's...


Please. Please, Ariel, help me.

Just do what he says.

You heard her!
Now do as I say or else!

Jamie, what the fuck?

You do not put people's feet
in food processors!

There's a line even in these kind
of situations and you've...

No! You don't get to lecture me.

You're not running things. I am.

And if you want to see her alive,
you meet me at five o'clock

in the car park Mary left me in.

You bring backup, Layla dies.

You've got three seconds to answer me.






LAYLA: You did it.


But that was the easy bit.


MAN: Claimant Paul of Swansea?

No, I told you.
He's just a cheap stage psychic.

Claimant Jane Doe of Warsaw.

JUDE: The new Messiah?

No. No, absolutely not.

Is that the six-year-old
who rose from the dead?

- I thought she sounded promising.
- Well, she wasn't.

She's just an ordinary little girl.
We should leave her be.

What is going on here?
And enough with the stolen glances.

- If you two wanna screw, get a room!
- Jude! Language!

What is going on here?
I've never seen these two before.

And why are we meeting down here?

Consider this
an informal steering committee

to discuss the theological implications
of the current situation.

We know the candidates
are on the whole unsatisfactory.

But with our future dependent
on these Messiahs,

we must have a contingency. Yes?

A contingency?

- T-minus one minute.
- MAN: Roger. One minute and counting.

Case status. Updates, please.

- Guidance systems.
- MAN: Guidance systems, go.

- Engineering.
- MAN: Engineering, go.

- Comms.
- WOMAN: Comms are go.

- Pyros.
- WOMAN: Pyros, go.

- Detonators.
- MAN: Detonators, go.

Thank you.

All systems go. Good luck, everyone.

If Saviour succeeds, we have no problem.
The world is not ending.

It is not the Final Judgment.

But if Saviour fails,

the end really is nigh.

Is it fair to send the faithful
to their graves, stripped of all hope?

This is the dawn of a new American
century, General. I can feel it.

It's about looking the Chinese
in the eye and saying,

"We still run this shit!"

Screw four more years. If this works,
they'll put me on Rushmore.

Do you mind, sir?
We're trying to work here.

CHRISTOPHE: The people need hope.

We promised them a Messiah

so we must give them one.

Whether we believe in him or not
is inconsequential.

T-minus ten. Nine.

Eight. Seven.

Six. Five.


Are you saying
what I think you're saying?

MAN: Two. One.




Everybody, stay focused.

We're not out of the woods yet.

But I mean, we hit it, right?

I mean... It went kaboom.

Yes, sir, it went... kaboom

but it'll take us a couple of hours
to confirm the result.

What do you put our chances at now,
Mr McNeil?

Well, sir, that was the part
I was most worried about.

But I would say...

I would say 60/40, Mr President.


JUDE: You can use all of
the flowery language that you want

but a false Messiah is a false Messiah.

And if you anoint one,
you're the fucking anti-Christ!

Father Jude, I object to both your
choice of language and your insinuation.

Really? My choice of language
is the problem here?

I mean, what is going on?
If the press found out about this...

What is said between these walls
stays between these walls.

- Does the Pope know about this?
- Of course not.

So am I really the only one amongst you

with the balls
to stand up for the truth?

Why? Why on Earth do you own a gun?

I'm a single mother
living on a boat, Jamie.

You get it doesn't actually work, right?

- It doesn't even work?
- It's for show, OK?

It's a deterrent.
All you've gotta do is wave it around

and make him think you're dangerous.

I still think we should call
Mum and Dave.

The less moving parts this plan's got,
the better.

All we've got to do is swap me
for Frankie.

And then when you've got her safe
and I'm close enough,

that is when I spray him.

That's what we're pinning our hopes on?

He's gonna have a gun, Layla!
No, I'm calling Mum.


- Why did you do that?
- See? You're completely defenseless.

And this is when we'll be kicking him
in the balls. It's very simple.


Oh! Oh, my eyes! I can't see!

This is... genius! (LAUGHS)

This could actually work!

Yes. I told you. See? I told you.

Yeah. Oh!

- JAMIE: Oh, it burns!

MAN ON RADIO: Has the blast succeeded
in knocking the comet off course?

The Saviour team are checking
and double-checking their calculations

before making the announcement.

In the meantime,
all we can do is wait.

Wait and pray.

We are all hypocrites, Jude.

At least I have the decency to admit it.

Please be practical.

We need solutions.

- Not unbending fundamentalism!
- Fundamental? I'm not a fu...

How did I get on this side
of the argument?

You would have every Catholic die
without hope and for what?

You have made your choice, Sister?

My vows. I choose my vows.

CHRISTOPHE: It's time to admit
our faith has failed.

Christ is not returning.


You've given up on him.

But I have not.

Gentlemen. I move we put this to a vote.

Who votes to anoint
our best current candidate?

Your Eminence, please.

Do not do this.

I'm sorry, Father. I believe
we have a duty to the faithful.

So... Are we done?

Yes, I'm done.

Father, come on. Enough of this.

- What are you doing?
- You're right. I'm a liar.

And a hypocrite.

I thought I was doing God's work but...

He's out there.

He's not in here.

And I was a fool to think that he was.

I want to be a good man.

Father, I must remind you
that this conversation

is held in the strictest confidence.

Go fuck yourself.

Jamie, whatever happens, promise me
you'll get Frankie out of here.

I'm not leaving you with my brother.

Just promise, please.

If anything happens to me...

Her bedtime's half seven. She'll tell
you that it's eight but it's not.

Except on Saturdays.

And she says she's not afraid
of the dark but she is really so...

always leave her door a little open
and a light on in the hall.

- You don't have to do this.
- Never give her a packet of sweets

because she just scoffs the lot
and then pukes!

What else?

Oh, the bloody giraffe outfit. OK.

She won't let you wash it.

But I've secretly got three of them

so you have to sneak in
when she's asleep

and swap in a clean one,
otherwise she stinks.

One other thing.

She doesn't have a bedtime story
so she can't get to sleep unless you...

We always watch your videos together.

The ones for me you put on the internet.

- You watched them?
- Every night.

And then when she was asleep,
I'd watch them again.

Just for me.


Make out I'm your hostage!


Stay there!

Don't come any closer!

- Where's your gun?
- I haven't got one.

I thought we were just swapping.

I didn't realize the dress code
was heavily armed.

I must say I'm disappointed, Jamie.
This is very ungentlemanly behavior.

Well, look what you've reduced me to.

You and your game.

Ah, Doofus.

Years of pleasure that gave me!

It's funny, I always thought it
would end with you hanging yourself

or stepping in front of a train.

Never thought you'd go... psycho.

Where's Frankie?

(WHISPERS) Open your mouth, make any
sound, you know what happens, right?

Click, click.

Out you come, poppet.


Here she is. See?

LAYLA: Hello, Frankie!

OK. Send her over.

Well, obviously that's not gonna happen,

We're gonna send them across
at the same time, aren't we?

On three.




It's alright. Everything's alright.

What is that?

I figured you'd have some
half-arsed plan up your sleeve

so I thought it only right
to go tit-for-tat.

Just keep in mind,
whatever it is you're planning,

you do not want me
to let go of this button.

- It's in the giraffe.

ARIEL: Uh-oh!

Looks like you brought a gun
to a bomb fight!

Schoolboy error, Jamie. Schoolboy error.

Think this through.

You shoot, I let go.


Drop the gun. That's it.

And whatever else you've got planned,
don't even think about it.

OK. OK. Just tell me what to do
to keep her safe and I'll do it.

Tell me. Whatever it is, whatever it is,
just... just... tell me...

- Put it on.
- Ariel, no!

ARIEL: I'm only doing this
because I love you.

I just want us to be
a normal married couple.

And that means losing the other husband.

I'm not a bad man!

You just...

You make me do bad things!


You look like such a bell-end!

Now get on your knees!

OK, Frankie.

Go to your mum.

Come on, Frankie. Come on, sweetheart.
It's alright. Come to me. Come on.


- FRANKIE: Uncle Ariel...
- ARIEL: I said go to your mum.

I've eaten too many sweets.

Don't you dare!


- Jamie! Jamie!

Run! Get Frankie out of here!

What the hell are you doing?

Just having a cuddle
with my long-Iost brother!

I know we've had our differences
but I'm sure we can iron them out!

Go on! Let go of the button!
I dare you!


What exactly are we doing here?
What's your plan?

Cos sooner or later,
you're gonna get tired.

True. Then again, sooner or later,
I'm gonna wet myself

and you hate mess, don't you?

So how are you gonna cope
with my wee trickling down your leg?


Nice try, Jamie! Nice try!

But the doofus
was never gonna win at Doofus.

Any last words?

Go on, beg!


Kind of appropriate.

Even your death is anti-climactic.


LAYLA: Ariel!






Dad, you were awesome!

JAMIE: You can't be here. It's not safe.

It's OK. Uncle Ariel ran away.

He's gone. He's gone.
He's gone. He's gone.

I helped, didn't I? With my sick.

Yes. So no more sweets for you.

- Ever.
- Aw! Dad!

Well, that's the end
of the giraffe outfit then.

- Mum, I know you've got spares.
- What?


What the hell's taking so long?

I just asked them to triple-check
their calculations.


Repeat. Shanghai.

Well? Did it work?

Mr President, I'm afraid
Operation Saviour has failed.


We diverted it but not enough.
It's still going to hit Earth.

Scotty, get him out of here.
It's gonna get ugly.

Mr President, Mr President, this way.

MAN: All external comms down.

They've cut us off!

MAN: Get back!

NEWSREADER: OK. We're just getting
some breaking news here.

And it's the news
we've all been hoping for.

We have official confirmation
from mission control

that Operation Saviour has succeeded.

MAN: That's wrong! All wrong!

For your own good, stand back!

NEWSREADER: And a tweet here from Jacob
Gardiner, one of the Saviour scientists.

He just says, "We did it!"

"Hashtag you're welcome, Earth."

What the hell's that?
I didn't tweet that!

Who's doing this?

You son of a bitch! You lied to me!




# I want your body,
everybody wants your body

# So let's jack

# Let's jack

# I want your body,
everybody wants your body

# So let's jack

# Come on, let's jack

# I want your body, everybody

# I want your body,
everybody wants your body

# So let's jack...

Hello! Is Sister Celine here?

No, no, no, no, Father.
Get out! You cannot be here.

She has made her choice, Father.

- Is it always like this in here?
- Haven't you heard? The world is saved!

- Yes. I will drink to that.
- We have a future!

Which is why I need to speak with her.

- Haven't you hurt her enough?
- Yes, I have.

- That's why I'm here.
- No. Sorry, Father.

Please. Give her this.

Tell her I'm done.

And now that there is a future,
I want to spend it with my wife.

Yes. We were married.

Isn't it amazing?
And we haven't had a honeymoon!

We will go to Florence and we will
tourist the shit out of that place!

You don't have to say "shit"
but try to convey my passion.

Always wanted to visit a convent.

This is exactly as I hoped it would be!

- # Let's jack...
- Party on!




A little more on my forehead.
I look shiny.

Seven salty sailors
sailed the seven seas.

Seven salty sailors
sailed the seven seas.

77 salty sailors sailed the seven seas.

Are you comfortable with the speech,

Sure! I've done this a million times.

MAN: Five, four...

My fellow citizens,

I am proud to be speaking to you live
from Operation Saviour mission control.

This is undoubtedly the most
historic speech I will ever make.

Also the most pleasurable.

Never before have we, as a collective,

faced such a mighty challenge
to our existence and to our planet.

It gives me great pleasure,
pride and honor

to formally announce

the unqualified success
of Operation Saviour.

They hit it! Whoa!


That was my brother!
My brother did that!

# You'd better run

# There's a storm a-comin'

# Goodbye to the sun

PRESIDENT: I would like to personally
thank the men and women

of Operation Saviour

who've worked tirelessly
around the clock for the last 27 days.

Now our future is assured,

we must decide what kind of future
we wish to have.

Will we revert to our old ways?

Or will we seize this chance
to start afresh?

Can we overcome
the weight of our history,

put aside our differences

and forge a new way of living?

A more peaceful, harmonious life

for the sake of our children?

It is not often
life gives us a chance to start over.

Let's not waste it.

Let's remember
how united we feel right now.

One planet.

One race.

The future is bright.

The future is everyone's.

Thank you.

MAN: And we're clear.

Thank you, everyone. Thank you.

Mr McNeil, we'll speak about
our other thing tomorrow. Yes?


# Take a last look

# The sky's got a hangman's noose

# Shaping all the storms
when your foundation of faith

# Got nothin' to lose

# Hangman showed you a window

- # To a place...

I love you, Scotty!

I love you! Whoo-hoo!


# There's a storm a comin'

# And you'd better run

# There's a storm a comin'

# You'd better

# Run, boy, run

# Better run

# There's a storm a comin'...