You, Me and the Apocalypse (2015): Season 1, Episode 7 - T Minus... - full transcript

(BEEPING)

# I can see clearly now
the rain has gone

JAMIE: See that?
That's what's gonna kill everyone.

Any second now.

Yeah. It's Judgment Day.
The actual apocalypse.

And where am I? In Slough.

Or, rather, under Slough.

NEWSREADER:
One minute, now. One minute.

These pictures
coming live to us from Hubble.

I mean, what the hell
are we all gonna do down here?

No internet.



No radio.

God, I hope there's Boggle.

It's time to brace ourselves.
To say goodbye.

MAN: Operation Savior launches
in just a few short hours.

Mankind's only hope.

A single rocket hastily assembled
by a multinational team of scientists.

There's no backup plan.

If today's launch fails,
all hope is gone.

(NOISY CROWD)

Oh, excuse me.
You don't recognize this woman?

Hey, do you recognize this woman?
She's got a little girl, about six?

Excuse me...

Hey! Jamie! Get her a monster truck!
Girls love monster trucks, right?

Yeah. I'm actually quite keen
on making a good first impression



on my daughter so probably not.

Oh! I'll get her a giraffe.

Jude said she likes giraffes.

In fact, it's the only thing
he told me about her.

I don't know her name but I know
where she stands giraffe-wise.

Something for Layla, perhaps?

OK, so this is exactly
what I was talking about.

This is gonna be hard enough as it is
without you being a dick to Layla.

What possible justification
could I have for that?

Oh, yeah,
she's slightly married to your brother.

I just want to meet my daughter

and find out the truth
in the most painless way possible, OK?

- Do me a favor and haggle for that?
- (GIRAFFE SQUEAKS)

Congratulations. You have completed
your fast-track Level Six.

You have transcended
the dimension of self

and are finally ready to open yourself
to the love of others.

Now do we get to meet the Messiah?

No, to meet Ruthless
you must all travel to Paradise Island.

Great, so where do I get a ticket?

It's not that simple.

First, you must choose a partner...

- Got one. Got one right here.
- And then you must get married.

Ruthless teaches us
that you cannot reach paradise alone,

so I suggest you choose wisely.
(LAUGHS) Thank you.

There's got to be another way.

Believe me, marriage is the only path
to happiness and salvation.

We are out of here.

Real religions do not have levels.

- Investigation over.
- Hindus have levels.

OK, but they don't hand out badges.

Jude, not one person who's gone
to this island has returned.

We must find those people.
We have to give their families answers.

Come on. Let's get hitched.

OK.

(NOISY CROWD)

Alright, mate? Hey, hey,
are you interested in seeds, yeah?

I've got carrot, tomato, beetroot.
Premium gear.

Actually, I'm looking for a woman?

That's not really my scene, mate.
I can do you water filters, fertilizers.

Trust me. Survive this,
you're gonna need to grow your own.

Don't get me wrong. I hope Saviour
works but it pays to prep, right?

- Yeah, this is her.
- Oh yeah, that's Sophie.

- Sophie?
- Yeah. She did my last MOT.

- She's a great mechanic.
- OK. And where is Sophie?

What's it worth?

No, I don't want your money.
I want your tins.

Alright.

- Sweet corn.
- Yeah.

- OK. Kidney beans.
- Yeah.

Cream of mushroom soup.
And whatever the hell that is.

She's at the courthouse.
She was arrested this morning. Come on.

ARIEL: Got ya!

She's been arrested in Suffolk.

Right. Let's go. You drive.

I'm perfectly capable
of snatching the kid by myself.

Yeah. Grandma doesn't want you
going out on your own.

- Oh. That's very sweet of her.
- Mm. Isn't it?

You know how she worries about you.

This is insane! Rhonda. Please.
Look, you are on the run.

You cannot go to the hospital.

I didn't come all this way
to just sit a few miles from my husband.

- I got to at least try.
- Are you serious?

This could be the last time
we're together ever! Think about it.

Everyone's gonna be watching
your rocket launch.

This could be my best chance,
my only chance.

So unless
you've got some better ideas...

Please, please take care of yourself.
OK?

Cos with Arnie gone,
you're literally all I've got.

(PHONE PINGS)

OK, I've gotta go.

- Where have you been?
- I know. I'm sorry. I had to...

- Arnie, we have to talk.
- Not here!

Please, just listen to me, please.

I love you. I love you and I miss you.

And I can't function without you
and I...

Look, I think it's stupid
that we should throw away

something as good as us just because...

Scotty? Scotty, please.

Now is not the time. You need to
pull yourself together. Now come on.

(CHATTER)

That's alright. That's alright.

Uh... Morning, everybody.

Uh... I apologize for the delay

but as you can imagine
we've been somewhat busy today.

Scotty McNeil, Senior Adviser,
Special Situations Group,

will run briefly through our timetable
and then we'll take any questions.

Scotty.

Um...

Um...

(MONOTONE) The Operation Saviour launch
will take place today at 1700 hours.

Assuming the launch succeeds,
it will take seven days for the craft

to reach the comet.

We're not trying to destroy the comet.
It's too big.

We just want to deflect it enough
so that it safely misses Earth.

- Um...
- Yeah. Think of it like a game of pool.

The Earth is the cue. Uh...

Well, the... the craft is the cue ball

and the comet is the eight ball.

Right.

Saviour contains a nuclear warhead

which we plan
to detonate on the comet's surface.

In order to do this,
the comet will split into t...

(PEOPLE MUTTER QUIETLY)

SCOTTY: I'm sorry, the craft will split.

Excuse me.

- I can't do this.
- (PEOPLE MUTTER)

Uh... Ladies and gentlemen,
once again, my apologies.

(VOICE MUFFLED IN BACKGROUND)

Scotty McNeil.
I have a warrant for your arrest.

Right, so what exactly is the plan?

Because just walking up
to random six-year-olds

and offering them cuddly toys
is how you end up in a place like this.

It's a bit...

Dave, look.

- Do you think...
- DAVE: I don't know, man.

No offense
but she's kind of normal looking.

Oh, God.

Oh, wow.

I actually feel a bit sick.

Maybe it's not her.

Daddy! That's my daddy!

Oh, wow.

This is a very happy moment for me.

It's so great to meet you.

- I'm your dad!
- I know. And that's Dave.

Mum told me all about you.

- I don't actually know your name.
- It's Frankie.

- Pleased to meet you, Frankie.
- What's that?

- It's for you.
- (GIRAFFE SQUEAKS)

I heard you like giraffes and stuff
so...

- Do you like it?
- I'd have preferred a monster truck.

(COUGHS) Told you.

It's all going to be alright,
isn't it, Dad?

Cos you're gonna help Mum
and they'll let her go

and we can all go home
and live together.

Listen...

Daddy, you did come to help Mum, right?
Cos that's what good dads do.

Yeah. Right. That's what good dads do.

FRANKIE: Come on, Dave.

- (GIRAFFE SQUEAKS)
- Ow!

Come on.

Hm. Yeah. No. Maybe lose the wig.

- Really?
- Yeah. Hmm.

- OK.
- Put the black ones in again.

But... Honey, it's gonna be fine.

Really. I learned a lot on the run.
Most people don't really notice stuff.

Besides, I've got you.

You're gonna knock out
the surveillance cameras.

- Right.
- Yeah.

And I just... I don't know, Mom.

It's gonna be OK. I believe in you.

I don't like being made a fool of,
Scotty.

It sticks in my craw.

Your phone records show
the 911 came from you.

That is aiding and abetting
a wanted terrorist.

Tell us where to find her.

Are you insane?
Do you know what I do for a living?

Saviour launches in a couple of hours.

You literally
could not have picked a worse day.

On the contrary. You see,
you need to get out of here and you can

if you give me your sister.

It's called leverage, Scotty.

(SLURPS)

Well, you ain't gonna break me.

- (DOOR SLAMS)
- TV: It must be absolutely exhausting.

So these pictures are coming live now
from Operation Saviour.

- This is life sentence for me.
- Well, I'm looking at two to five.

I know
I'll probably never work in DC again

but, hey, at least I can always say
I helped save the world.

Blame Russian president
for predicament of me.

69 ruble to dollar.

If not for him, I wouldn't come here.

- (BANGS DOOR)
- I wouldn't be criminal.

In my country, we have joke now.

Ladies and gentlemen,
you will soon be land in Moscow.

You do not adjust your watches
for daylight saving.

Just wind them back to 1989. (LAUGHS)

- It's funny, no?
- What did you say?

It's much funnier in mother tongue.

No, no, no, the other bit,
the bit about daylight savings.

- Yes, it's finished.
- Oh, my God.

President get rid of.

TV: The stakes
literally could not be higher...

Guard! Guard!

(PEOPLE SHOUT)

MAN: Did you or didn't you
steal the inhaler?

LAYLA: Your Honor,
my daughter is six and she has asthma.

Now by law her inhaler should be free

but instead
the chemist wanted 80 quid for it.

- (GASPS FROM GALLERY)
- 80 quid!

Now that's the real crime here.

(CHEERING)

- (JUDGE BANGS GAVEL)
- Order! Order!

LAYLA: People shouldn't be making a
quick buck out of the end of the world.

We should be helping each other.

I don't have L80, Your Honor,
so, yes, I took the inhaler.

Why aren't you charging the wankers
at the chemist's?

- (CHEERING)
- JUDGE: Order! Order!

I would remind you
this is a court of law

and would you please not say that word?

I'm sorry, what word, Your Honor?
Chemist?

(LAUGHTER)

Oh! Oh, sorry, wankers?

You don't want me to say wankers?

Sorry.
Let the record reflect my deep regret

at my repeated use of the word
(SHOUTS) wankers!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

JUDGE: Very amusing, Miss Carlton.

(JUDGE'S VOICE FADES)

I fine you L400.

I said your fine is L400
to be paid immediately.

If I had L400, I would have just
bought the inhaler, Your Honor.

You leave me no choice.
One week in prison.

- (SHOUTING)
- That's ridiculous!

What about my daughter?

- I'll pay.
- (SILENCE)

(CHEERING)

Who's this?

My husband, Your Honor.

She's six years old.
She's gonna scream.

No. A bit of chloroform and a hankie
over the nose, she won't make a sound.

- Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
- Looks like it.

I'm guessing you're single, right?

Most people have a picnic blanket,
maybe a Frisbee.

I'm not most people.
Put it down. I wasn't born yesterday.

You're not getting rid of me.

Your gran doesn't trust you
and neither do I. That's why I'm here.

I'll do the chloroform.
You do the gaffer tape.

Fine. Suit yourself.
So where's the gaffer tape?

We need to get our story straight.
You are Federico.

Terrible with names. Hope I remember it.

- The neurosurgeon.
- Well, thanks for picking that!

With my vast knowledge in the field,
I'm sure I won't be tripped up.

- Who are you?
- I am Luisa.

I live in the hills above Verona

where I run the home of orphanage
and donkeys.

- (YAWNS)
- You don't like donkeys?

They're boring.
And the kid thing freaks me out.

- And I play the guitar.
- So basically I'm marrying a nun.

Hi! Logistical question.
When does the last ferry leave?

9pm.

But don't worry.
You won't need a boat back.

No one leaves paradise.

I'll take your word for it.

- Thank you.
- (PEOPLE SHOUT IN QUEUE)

- I appreciate it.
- Pleasure.

- So you're alive then?
- (LAUGHS) Obviously.

(SQUEAKING)

OK. Stop!

JAMIE: I'm loving the news I'm a dad.

Information that would have been nice
to have had before now.

Hi, I'm here to pay the fine for...

What are you calling yourself
these days?

Sophie Carlton. Thanks.

I'm sorry, OK? But everything I did
I promise I did for a good reason.

Oh, OK. I'll just take your word
for that, then, shall I?

After all, I've no reason
to believe you'd ever lie to me!

Just to be clear, I'm not here for you.

All I want is to know my daughter
and maybe find out the truth.

Excuse me. This card's been declined.

Um... That's all I've got. I...

Got a car?

- I've got a minibus.
- That'll do.

I owe you one.

One.

WOMAN: You may kiss the bride.

I forgot about the kiss.

We'll just do it very professionally
and close our eyes.

(# BRIDAL MARCH)

Ah, so that's where the new messiah
must be hanging out.

You need to look convincing.
You are in love with me, right?

Why wouldn't I be?

(MUSIC STOPS SUDDENLY)

Are there any reasons
why you should not be lawfully married?

- Absolutely none.
- Then place your hand upon the Bible.

Federico...

Federico.

Oh, yes.

Will you take Luisa to be your wife?

Will you love her, honor her,

comfort and protect her,
and forsaking all others

be faithful to her
as long as you both shall live?

I will.

Luisa, will you take Federico
to be your husband?

Yes, I will.

Then place the ring upon her finger.

I now declare you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.

(APPLAUSE)

(CLEARS THROAT)

I have to get a message to
General Gaines or we're all screwed.

Don't tell me.
Only you can save mankind?

SCOTTY: This isn't a joke, OK?

I think there might be
a slight flaw in a piece of code

that the Russians wrote and I don't know
if anyone has noticed it yet.

You want out, give me your sister.

No, that... That... That is not fair!

TESS: OK. Your choice.

Just please can you get General Gaines
on the phone

or anyone else from Mission Control?

What don't you understand?

If Saviour fails we're dead!
We're all dead!

Including your sister
so if you love her,

if you wanna save her life,
tell me where she is.

We're talking about
the entire human race here.

- Are you out of your fucking mind?
- No, and neither are you.

And you're a good man

and you're not going to risk
the entire world for your sister.

So where is she?

Where is she, Scotty?

You need to tell her.
I need to save my mamushka.

- (SOBS)
- Come on.

Come on, just tell me.

Keep walking.
It's the next room on the left.

There are no guards on the door.

I'm gonna shut off their surveillance
now, Mom. Good luck.

- SPIKE: It's done.
- OK.

I'm going in.

Rajesh?

(SIGHS)

(SCREAMS)

Please! Please!
No, you don't understand!

I'm sorry! I love you!
I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

(SIGHS)

Well, I think that we fooled them.

Absolutely. You were very convincing.

Thank you.
Well, Freddie is a very passionate man.

There you are! Oh, look at you two!

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

Such a lovely couple.

Come, sit, sit.

I'm Arless and this is my wife Ruth.

They call us Ruthless.

You know, like Brangelina?

Let's have a drink, celebrate.

So, they say you have been
appointed by God. That must be... nice.

Sure is. He spoke to me.

He told me
to recreate the Garden of Eden.

You win 300 million on the lottery,
I mean,

you know God's
trying to tell you something, right?

Listen, can people leave here?

(BOTH LAUGH)

Why would you want to leave paradise?

We teach love here.

Love without guilt.

None of that BS churches teach.

Real love.

Look at these two.
Such a beautiful couple.

Well, this is it.
We've been living the dream.

I'm going to show Dad my bedroom
and my sunflowers and my castle.

Wow!

You built all of this yourself?
Seriously?

I've been holding him together for the
last seven years. It's not been easy.

Honestly, you have no idea
how much you hurt him.

So if there's a shred of decency in you,
don't fuck him around again, OK?

Frankie? Frankie?

Me and Daddy need to talk.

Why don't you show Uncle Dave
where we pump the poo out?

Yay, poo pump!

She's great.

I just...

I shouldn't be meeting her at Lego.

I missed out on rattles and potties,
Hungry Caterpillars.

Look, before we do this,
I have to know how you found us.

It's really important,
for Frankie's sake.

A nun and a priest helped you in Poland.
Frankie gave them this.

- She wrote your town on it.
- But how did you get it?

Funny story.
It turns out the priest is my dad.

See, here's what confuses me.

Our wedding. It's you and me.

And then there's this.

And this is you...

with him.

Oh God, you know about Ariel?

OK, um... I know this looks bad but...

Actually, there is no but.
It's just bad.

Can we not do this here?

It's just you get a bit shouty
and high pitched when you're upset

and I don't want Frankie to hear.

- Please.
- I...

- Ow!
- LAYLA: Frankie.

Me and Daddy are just
going for a little walk, OK?

- Uncle Dave will look after you.
- How long are you gonna be?

It's just that when she hits me
with the giraffe, it really hurts.

Yeah, let's play giraffe slaps!

- (GIRAFFE SQUEAKS)
- We could...

How far are we going?
How shouty am I gonna get?

Um... Let's just go
another couple of miles, shall we?

In the interest of full disclosure,
I think I should tell you

that we are from the Vatican.

- I'm a priest. And Celine is a nun.
- (RUTH LAUGHS)

Right!
Got fed up with celibacy, did you?

Can't blame you. Very unhealthy.

No, no,
we actually came to investigate you.

(BOTH LAUGH)

- Of course you did, dear!
- No. Absolutely that's why we're here.

Oh, come on. Be honest with yourselves.

The way you two look at each other?
Hoo-hoo-hoo!

I can see it.

The levels have opened you up.

You're ready for love, honey.

Now I expect you two want to start
with each other but don't be shy now.

It's more of a buffet than a set menu.

(# THE HUNTER BY SLAVES)

# The people are freezing
and the water is warm

# And the ice caps are melting

# What will happen when they're gone?

# Will the experts look stupid

- # And invert the facts
- (MOANING AND GASPING)

You know how to drive
one of these things?

- Ah, not really.
- (ENGINE STARTS)

- But... I am Italian.
- Right.

(LAUGHS)

- JUDE: Whoo!
- (CELINE LAUGHS)

I've been calling! Why the hell
aren't you answering the phone?

- MAN: We're a little busy.
- The DST.

We need to check
the daylight savings time.

- We did, like, 12 times already.
- No, no, no.

We have daylight savings time
but the Russians... The Russians don't.

Guys, guys!

Your president, he doesn't like the gays
and he doesn't like daylight savings.

He got rid of it last year. Yes?
Correct? Yes? Yes! Thank you. Yes. OK?

So I'm sure
that we've taken it into account

but can we please just check it,
the way that their code speaks to ours?

Because otherwise the secondary engine
ignition will be about an hour late,

or an hour early, whatever
the fuck daylight savings time is.

- Scotty, where have you been?
- No! Not now. I'm busy.

There, right there!

Shit, you were right.

OK, people,
we need to rewrite this interface now!

(ALL TALKAT ONCE)

OK, so the boat is the Earth
and I'm that naughty comet, alright?

- Yeah, and I'm Operation Saviour.
- Oh, really?

Well, I bet you can't save the world.

(BLOWS AIR)

Yes, my real name was Hawkwind.

I grew up on the commune with Ariel.

I hated it

so I ran away with him
as soon as I could.

And...

stupidly married him.

I was only 18.

I thought I was in love
but I was young and Ionely

and I wanted to belong somewhere.

- If you're looking for sympathy...
- No, I'm not.

I'm not.
I'm just trying to help you understand

how I could have fucked up
so spectacularly.

Ariel had a real chip on his shoulder
about you

cos your mum was always going on
about how special you were

and it made him feel like shit so...

So... he invented a computer game...

called Doofus.

You were the main character in it.

I don't understand.

He hacked everything
without you realizing.

Your whole life,
so credit records, emails,

he fiddled with everything
to mess it up.

Like what?

Like screwing with your exam results?

So you could have gone to university.

Those rejection letters were all Ariel.

And you knew?

I was young and stupid,

and I never thought of you
as a real person with feelings.

(SNIFFS)

And then one day, we were talking about
how you'd never had a girlfriend.

So you invented one for me?

Yeah. Layla.

We set up a meet cute.

I got in the lift with you
and Ariel hacked it,

made it break down for a few hours.

But when I met you, you were so lovely

and the joke wasn't funny anymore
because everything about you...

was so genuine.

And being Layla
felt so much better than being Hawkwind.

So I split up with Ariel
and I fooled myself.

I thought Doofus was over
and I thought I could just be with you

and be happy and just be Layla.

And then?

And then he showed up on our honeymoon.

Said he'd been biding his time but
that sooner or later we'd be punished.

And he was scary.
Like, eyes bulgy, proper psycho.

And to add to everything,
I'd just found out I was pregnant.

And I panicked.

I... I thought if I just disappeared...

I could protect the baby from him
and protect you.

Everything was a lie.

No. No, everything started as a lie

but we turned into something real.

Cos I did love you, Jamie.

And when we said our wedding vows,
I meant every word.

You were the best thing
that ever happened to me.

Funny, cos you were the worst.

I want details.

And I don't care if it takes all night,
you are gonna tell me everything.

(FRANKIE LAUGHS)

(FRANKIE LAUGHS)

MAN: T minus one minute.

MAN: Fuel. Umbilical purge to open.

Hey! Hey, Scotty, everyone's looking
for you. You were right!

What you did...
You gave us a chance, Scotty.

Well, come on! It's about to launch
and you are the hero of the hours!

Hey.

What is it?

I had to sell out my own sister. (CRIES)

MAN: Umbilical release, primed.
Pressure levels OK.

(CRIES)

MAN: T minus ten, nine...

Six, five, four,

three, two, one.

Trajectory is good. Thrust is good.

Saviour is in the air.
Repeat, Saviour is in the air.

(CELINE LAUGHS)

- Jude, you hold on so tight!
- Because you're a terrible driver!

- (PEOPLE CHEERING)
- It's the Saviour launch.

- I forgot all about it.
- (CHEERING)

We missed it.
Looks like we're camping out tonight.

What?

I know this is going to sound crazy.

Do you remember in Poland,
your granddaughter?

She told me one day
I was going to see four horses.

Awhite, a black, a red and a pale.

Look, it's a sign!

JUDE: It is a sign.

It's a billboard.

Celine, do you really think
the Lord would be communicating to us

using the medium of...

- outside advertising?
- Well, why not?

What if it is a sign,
giving us his blessing?

- For what?
- For the wedding.

That wasn't real.

You kissed me, Jude.

It was not acting. It wasn't.

Was it?

I wasn't acting.

I think about you all the time.

But, Celine,
I've been a priest for 20 years.

I've never broken my vows.

And I don't think you should either.

What if God wants us to?

What if that is a sign?

I'm afraid
it's probably wishful thinking.

Why don't you ask him?

Right now?

Dear Lord.

Dear Lord, I know you have
a lot on your plate right now

but if this is what you want,
please show me a sign.

- (FIREWORKS EXPLODE)
- (CHEERING)

OK, my logical mind

says that that probably has something to
do with the Saviour launch celebration.

Yes, maybe.

But maybe it's God.

What do you want it to be, Jude?

(FIREWORKS EXPLODE)

Told you we'd meet again.

My husband is dying.

Couldn't have given me
one minute with him? One?

- McNeil, you're coming with us.
- What the hell's going on?

Whoa, what?

Marine Corps Intelligence.
We have orders to debrief her.

I arrested her. She is my prisoner!

She'll be returned to you
once the interview is complete.

Hey. I want you to see this.

I don't care about the launch.

Just trust me, OK?

This is streaming live.

(DOOR OPENS)

I couldn't change the outcome

but I did make sure
they got a chance to say goodbye.

So, what do we do now?

I don't know.

Try not to argue in front of Frankie,
I suppose.

I guess I should demand
alternate weekends with her

but there's only one more of those
before the apocalypse.

Seven years.

All it would have taken was one message,
just to put me out of my misery.

No. No, I told you,
I couldn't risk Ariel finding us.

Please, Jamie, we've been up all night.

Let's just get some sleep
before we do more, OK?

Why were you with him
in Moscow a few weeks ago?

I saw there was a reward out on him.

I was sick of never having any money
for Frankie

so I called the police and they set up
a trap for him with me as the bait

only it all went to sh... shit!

Frankie!

Mate, can you hear me?

She's gone! Frankie's gone!

Mate... No, no, it's OK. What happened?

Your brother.

Good news, Grandma.
I've got your little donor.

All five pints of her.

SUTTON: Wonderful. Bring her here.

Yeah, you know what?
I'm not gonna do that.

I'm keeping her as an insurance policy.

Oh, and by the way, I had to get rid
of your little Irish lapdog.

- What have you done to her?
- She'll live.

Which is more than I would have, right?

I don't know what you mean.

Yes, you do, Grandma.

You were going to get rid of me
the moment I got you the girl.

Well, sorry to disappoint you
but we're doing things my way now.

You don't get the girl
until the very last minute

when I'm safely inside the bunker.
Am I clear?

Perfectly.

Good! Oh, and one other thing...

I'm gonna need a plus one in the bunker.

The wife's coming too.

That is how you negotiate.

Pretty impressive, huh?

Hey, don't look so scared.

I'm just like your dad, only cooler.

Me, you and your mum
are gonna be a family.

We're gonna be together
for the rest of our lives.

Everything's gonna be fine.

We're gonna be happy... forever.