You, Me and the Apocalypse (2015): Season 1, Episode 6 - Home Sweet Home - full transcript

(BEEPING)

# I can see clearly now
the rain has gone...

JAMIE: See that?
That's what's gonna kill everyone.

Any second now.

Yeah. It's Judgment Day.
The actual apocalypse.

And where am I? In Slough.

Or, rather, under Slough,

watching it on telly.

One minute now. These pictures
coming live to us from Hubble.

JAMIE: I know what you're thinking.

"Cheer up. Stop looking so miserable."



But if these were your new housemates,

you'd be feeling exactly the same way.

It's time to brace ourselves.
To say goodbye.

(SCREECHES)

DR SAMUEL: Everything is in hand
and I mean everything.

Water, medicine, food.

Your favorite, tuna chunks.
Welcome to your new home.

Let's hope you never need it.

This is wonderful.

Above and beyond the call of duty,
Dr Samuel.

Well, it is my job to keep you alive,
right?

Now, would you like to see your room?

Our room!

You wouldn't want me getting Ionely,
would you?



(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Right. Yes... Except
for the blood, everything is in hand.

- Special delivery from Ameri...
- MOLBY: Fuck me.

Sorry, are we interrupting?

No! Show me.

(ECHOING) Funny-Iooking thing, isn't he?

Still, it's what's on the inside
that counts, I suppose.

Let's check his blood.

What do we do if he's not clean?

SUTTON: What do you think?

Oh, yes!
Welcome to Slough! Home shit home!

Good to be back, right?

I'll take that as a maybe.

(TOILET FLUSHES)

PAULA: Jamie? Jamie, is that you?

Oh! Oh, it is you! (LAUGHS)

Oh, I have missed you so much!

Come here! Oh...

- I missed you too, Mum.
- Ah.

What are you doing here?

Ah. Well. Um...

It turns out that that wall
I knocked down was structural.

You don't mind me staying here, do you?

Jamie?

What is it, love?

- Um...
- What's happened with Layla?

- It seems she...
- Hey! Alright, Paula?

I've returned to resume our
"will-they-won't-they?" romantic tango.

What's she doing here?

- Did you not write?
- I was just getting to that.

Jamie's very upset. He needs his mother.

Which one's mine?

(POLICE SIRENS APPROACH)

So... why aren't you looking for my mom?

If it was vice versa,
she'd be busting a gut for you.

- What do you want me to do? I mean...
- Try?

Oh, but that'd take guts, I guess.

You were too chicken shit
to even come out.

We're just very private people.
We don't all need to wave a flag.

She's your twin!

- How do you even sleep at night?
- Son of a...

OK. Are you gonna go look for her?

(SNIFFS) You know, he's right.
How do I sleep? I...

I don't... I haven't even um...

God, I feel like my head
is gonna explode.

(CRIES)

I mean, look at us. Our own home

and this is the only place
where we can get any kind of privacy.

- I need you to calm down.
- How?

Two days ago, I nearly killed a guy.

- We don't even know where he is.
- OK, I'm on that.

- (CRIES) Who is this? Who am I?
- Hey...

- (BANGING ON DOOR)
- SPIKE: Are you guys doing it?

- (DOOR HANDLE RATTLES)
- I need to drop a deuce.

Can you hurry up? Please.

Do you remember that chat
we had about starting a family?

I'm so glad you won that.

- (BANGING ON DOOR)
- Come on! Hurry up!

NEWSREADER:
I'm joined now by Professor Lot,

who's running
the controversial drug trials.

Professor Lot, what's the purpose,
then, of this drug?

Nocturnapram works
on our body's Vitamin D receptors.

It'll enable us to live
without sunlight for up to two years,

which, assuming we can survive
the initial impact,

will help sustain human life
during the dust cloud.

NEWSREADER:
But come on, human guinea pigs?

Look, the only way we can
get Nocturnapram to market in time

is to go straight to human trial.

NEWSREADER:
This is Russian roulette, isn't it?

- People have died in your tests.
- DAVE: OK, thank you.

We simply don't have...

As if we weren't depressed enough
already.

What sort of muppet
signs up for a drug trial?

There won't be enough to go round
when it's finished.

If you volunteer, your family
goes to the front of the queue.

Some people like the idea
of doing things for others, Paula.

Said the woman
who left her son in a cardboard box.

JAMIE: Mum, stop.

- Well, I'm sorry, love...
- PAULA: Oi!

He said "Mum."

- It's me he's telling off, not you.
- OK. I'm late.

It says "Collect four tokens
and get a free skipping rope."

Either of you... skip?

Do you want to come inside? It's warmer.

Husband's missing... since the comet.
I can't pay my mortgage this month.

And I've been coming every day
but you've been shut.

Let's have a look.

(COMPUTER BEEPS)

It's all fine. It's been paid.

But um...

It's been paid.

One less thing to worry about, eh?

Thank you. Thank you so much.

You don't know what that means.

He helps the poor and needy,

for he is the resurrection
and he is the light.

Everyone should kneel down
and beg for his infinite grace.

Hello.

I um... I brought you some sandwiches.

That's really kind of you.

Mary... I need you to not do
the whole son of God thing here.

What if we do it outside?

Yeah. That could work.

I'll go and spread the word.

- Want a cup of tea?
- Yeah, lovely.

Ah, there you are. I made you
some peanut butter sandwich...

I see someone else got in before me.

JAMIE: Mum, it's not a competition.

For the record,
you make better sandwiches.

Don't you forget it.

MARY: The son of God walks amongst...

Jamie, why are you bothering?

Cos I'm a bank manager.

I mean, what else of me is left?
At least here I know where I am.

Look... don't take this the wrong way

but maybe this Layla thing...

Maybe it's for the best.

I mean, at least now you can move on.

Well, let's hope you're right.

Cos at the moment,
it's like I'm cursed or something.

Jamie. Don't be ridiculous.

Mary?

Mary!

(PEOPLE SHOUTING)

Mary? Can you hear me?

Jamie is the son of God.

He will lead his people
to the land of freedom!

(CRASH)

Oh! Oh-ho!

- Oh!
- Jamie, he is the son of God.

- He will lead his people to the land...
- OK, let's do this thing.

(VOICES ON COMPUTER)

MARY: Jamie, he is the son of God.

- He will lead his people...
- CELINE: Jude, come on, we are late.

We need to get to the airport.

I think we're gonna have to take
a later flight.

Jamie, he is the son of God.

He will lead his people
to the land of freedom.

It was bad luck. Could have been me,
it could have been anybody.

If I'd just left her where she was...

No, no, no, no.
You did the right thing.

That hospital was a disgrace.

They're laughing at her
dying like it's a cartoon.

Yeah, but, you know,
don't take it so personally.

Now everyone's dying,
I think it's OK to laugh at death.

- Yeah.
- It's like, "Up yours, Grim Reaper!"

"You big dick."

At least she gets a fuss made of her.

I mean, the rest of us won't.

Yeah, we really pulled out
all the stops, didn't we?

Oi, oi.

Who ordered the strippers?

(# PEACHES BY THE STRANGLERS)

Well, hello, my future husband!

Excuse me.
Is this the funeral for Mary Conroy?

JAMIE: What passed for it, yeah.

You must be her son?

I'm sorry for your loss. I saw the clip.

OK, if this is about that Second Coming
crap, you picked a bad time.

I hate to disappoint you
but I'm not the son of God.

JUDE: I know.

You see, the thing is, I think...
you're my son.

Jamie, I'm Father Jude.

Your father, Jude.

(PHONE RINGS)

ANSWERPHONE: You've reached
Rhonda, Rajesh and Spike.

- Leave us a message.
- (PHONE BEEPS)

MAN: Do you wanna make a difference?

Help save lives?
Maybe even change the course of history?

At Knott Counterplan,
we're working around the clock

to craft solutions
for a post-apocalyptic world.

So volunteer for the trials
for this amazing new drug.

(DISTORTED SPEECH)

(GASPS)

(GROANS)

Where am I?

Who are you?

You ever think about dying, Ariel?

I think about it all the time.

Scares the crap outta me.

I hate being old.

- Where are we?
- In a bunker underneath my estate.

If the comet hits,
we could live down here for years

so long as we've got what we need.

And what I need is... this stuff!

- You want my blood?
- Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

I need to find out
if you're clean first.

What if I'm not clean?

Ah, he's awake. Everything OK?

- Let's get some food in him.
- Actually, I'm not very hungry.

Look at him! He's like a stick!

Get the kitchen
to make him a steak, will you?

Get some iron in him.
Good for the old blood!

You should have one, too, Doctor.
Need to keep your strength up!

- Don't we? (CACKLES)
- Yes!

That boy's in way out of his depth.

(WHISPERS) I like that, Ariel.

They're sexy
when they're a little scared.

Is that what you're doing with me?
Is this a sex thing?

For heaven's sake, don't be disgusting!

I'm your grandmother!

Pardon?

(DOOR OPENS)

KERRY: Someone's
smashed the back door in.

EDDIE:
You think we should call the cops?

- Kerry? Eddie?
- (EDDIE GASPS)

- It's OK, it's me!
- Stay there, Rhonda!

Don't come any closer! Kerry, call 911.

Oh, no, no, no,
you don't have to do that! It's me!

Stay the hell away from us.
You don't belong here any more.

This is my home.

Hello? Police department.

Go after her, Eddie!

KERRY: Hello? Police department.

Yes, yes, we're on 452 Willow Drive.

I've just seen Rhonda McNeil.

Can't let this Johnson
run the meeting and we can't,

we can't let him turn Mount Genesis
into his own personal harem, OK?

Stick together, present a united front.

- (PHONE RINGS)
- Scotty, I mean it.

I need your head in the game.
I can't do this alone.

I know. I know.
Just give me a second, OK?

- Spike, not now!
- My mom's in DC.

- What?
- Hey! Scotty!

She went home,
the neighbors called 911.

They said she ran off north
but I think she's gone to the school.

She always heads north
then turns right at the woods.

- Spike, I can't help.
- Scotty, you have to.

- She needs us.
- No, no, listen.

I can't get involved!

Oh my God! You piece of...

My apologies, sir.

I thought it better to meet here.
No official record.

Unlike the Oval.

I read your dossier. Just checking.

None of them know, right?

- I mean, this is still containable.
- Absolutely.

- We met the women...
- (PHONE PINGS)

...under the pretence
of a Nasa recruitment drive.

We told them that Operation Saviour
had reignited interest

in the space program.

This then allowed us to perform

thorough medical tests
without arousing suspicion.

- Including their fertility?
- That was more problematic.

We ended up
spiking their drinks one night.

Don't tell me, I don't want to know.

(PHONE PINGS)

Still, needs must, hmm? Now...

I was wondering
whether we shouldn't venture...

Bring her in instead.

Oh, sir, this is our embryologist.
We need her, right, Scotty?

- Hmm?
- PRESIDENT: General Gaines.

This isn't a request.

This is weird for you.

- Yeah.
- Well, we have one thing in common.

So I think that maybe I should
just start at the beginning.

I was 18.

Living over here.

I had just been kicked out of school.

I was... really going off the rails.

And that's when I met Mary.

We'd only been together a month

and she got pregnant.

And I panicked.

I mean, the thought of starting
a family. I was...

I was 18. I barely knew her.

So I asked her to...

terminate the pregnancy.

She said no.

And so I left.

And I never even said goodbye.

PAULA: Ah, here we go! (LAUGHS)

Aw, this is nice, isn't it?

Everyone getting to know each other.
And we've got biscuits.

Go on, Father. Have a finger.

DAVE: Oh! (LAUGHS)
Sorry. I've given you my cup by mistake.

That's embarrassing.

Sorry, did we interrupt? You carry on.

I told you
I don't come out of this well.

But... I was such a mess then.
You were better off without me.

Oh, so walking out
was really an act of kindness?

No, it was cowardice.

I was just saying
that maybe there was an upside for you.

So why are you here now?

I wanted to pay our respects to Mary,
but mostly I wanted to meet you.

And ask for your forgiveness.

Was she mad when you knew her?

Was she hearing voices?

- No.
- Cos by the time she gave birth,

God was chatting away to her.

Told her to dump me in a car park,
so she did,

just like you abandoned her.

Maybe because you abandoned her.

- Jamie, I am so sorry. I had no idea.
- There's your little legacy.

Thanks, Dad.

And now you want forgiveness
to make yourself feel better?

Well, I'm sorry, no.

You ruined her life

and you are not forgiven!

(DOOR SLAMS)

(DOOR CREAKS)

(DOOR CREAKS)

(GASPS)

(MAN GROANS)

SPIKE: I love you too, Mom!

What?

Oh my God. Is that...

(GASPS)

Oh! Oh, your nose! Your nose. Oh, baby!

- Oh, baby!
- Mom, Mom, Mom. You smell really bad.

- (BOTH LAUGH)
- I know, I know.

But you're just
gonna have to deal with it

because I'm not letting you go.

Aw. That's him
dressed as a Mutant Turtle.

He was obsessed with them.

Oh, and that was just after
he wet himself at Thorpe Park.

(DAVE LAUGHS)

- This is when we all went...
- Paula, thank you.

This has been so lovely but
I think we should probably be going.

Oh, no, don't go!

He'll be back in a bit.

He doesn't want me here.

And having walked out on him
once before,

I don't have much right
to walk back in uninvited.

I would have been a terrible father.

And when I look at those photos,
I see how happy he was.

That's cos of you, Paula.

You were able to give him a life
I never could have.

I don't know the first thing
about what a happy family is.

Mine was all yelling
and whiskey glasses flying...

Jude, shut up. What is this?

PAULA: That's Jamie's.

He threw it away.
It's uh... It's complicated.

- It's her, from Poland.
- Is he...

Is he married to this woman?

The little girl, she told me
her father worked in a bank.

- Holy shit.
- What are you two on about?

Paula, I think Jamie has a daughter.

Shitting hell.

(FAINT ECHOING VOICES)

(PHONE RINGS)

It's his bloody voicemail again!

Jamie, call me, yeah? It's urgent.

Are you absolutely sure about this?

Cos he's been through a lot lately.

The dates work. And the girl
said her father works in a bank.

Right. We'll check the bank
and the bowling alley. You do the pubs.

Father, you come with me.

M'lady, your carriage awaits.

Oh.

- Where have you been living?
- With Uncle Scotty. And his boyfriend.

How long has Scotty had a boyfriend?

- Four years.
- Four years?

How come he never told us?
Is he happy?

Who cares? You get he doesn't
give a shit about you, right?

Hey. Yes, he does. Don't say that.

He totally abandoned you.
Why do you stick up for him?

Because growing up he was all I had.
We've always looked after each other.

Well, he's not doing that anymore.

- (CAR TIRES SCREECH)
- Oh, no. Run!

OK, I want every exit sealed
but check the library first.

You ever meet your father?

You don't look like him.

He's a beautiful man.

Thank you for your kind words.

Shame he didn't have more kids
before he retired from all that.

Instead all I get is you.

What?

Nothing.

Just, you know, if you need
your family's blood, you could ask.

My kids wouldn't help. They hate me.

I don't blame them.
I was a lousy mother.

That whole maternal instinct thing
isn't very me.

Gerbils eat their babies.
I can empathize.

Plus it's complicated,
what with me being dead and everything.

I had a few legal issues back
in the '80s. I was innocent, of course.

- Of course.
- Of course.

But I had to disappear.

The point is,
I can't risk being found now.

Can't risk my kids snitching on me.

Don't think I'd exactly thrive
in a correctional institution.

But if Saviour fails,
then it all changes.

They'll need my bunker.

OK, that's it. He's done.

Grandma,
I know what it's like to disappear.

I spent years making myself invisible.

I don't understand how you found me.

SUTTON: We didn't find you.
You found us.

We were following your Uncle Scotty.

Hang on.
You mean Scotty McNeil's my uncle?

- Anything?
- MAN: Library's clear.

TESS: Can't win here, Rhonda.

(DOOR BANGS)

(PHONE RINGS)

What?

Whereabouts?

And this is genuine?

911 just got a call.

McNeil carjacked someone at a
drive-through three miles from here.

We're all moving out.
Let's go. Let's go!

We're good.

- What the hell just happened?
- No idea. Let's make the most of it.

MAN: Psst!

- What was that?
- I don't know.

(MAN WHISPERS) I'm in 403.

- (SPIKE LAUGHS)
- Scotty?

- What the hell?
- Did they buy it?

- That call was you?
- How the hell did you get in there?

I spent pretty much all of
sixth to tenth grade stuffed in lockers.

Turns out
it's kind of like riding a bike.

Also turns out I'm a bit fatter
than I was. Can I get a little help?

Yep. OK. Alright.

So I guess this is when you tell me
I'm a terrible brother?

Well, you're here now.

Come here. I love you.

- Big loser!
- I love you... Oh, wow.

Wow, you smell like a skunk
whose wife just left it.

Oh, yeah,
OK, don't push your luck, alright?

There are smaller lockers over there.

Come on.

- Why are you volunteering, Jamie?
- Um...

It's complicated.

I'd like to think I could still
make a difference, I guess.

I don't really feel like
I've achieved much.

I've wasted years waiting for my wife.

And then it turned out
she was married to my brother.

And what else?
My mum lied to me for 30 years.

My other mum
thought I was the son of God,

and in return
God dumped a ton of bricks on her.

I dug her grave this morning.

And then my dad showed up
for the first time in my life,

and I was just so angry with him.

But... really, I'm angry with myself.

Because I've wasted my life.

Yeah, that just about covers it.

OK, I'm just going to check
the "wants to help others" box.

And I see you've nominated
your mum and your friend Dave

to receive Nocturnapram
in the event that the comet hits.

- Yeah.
- Good. They'll be notified immediately.

Now, I'm legally obliged to inform you

that there are risks
associated with what you're about to do.

Side effects can include
vomiting, internal bleeding,

paralysis of the thumbs,
depression, breathing difficulties,

hair loss, heart palpitations,
death, and in some cases,

erectile dysfunction.

- You sure you want to do this, Jamie?
- Yes. Absolutely.

(HORN BEEPS)

Get out of the way, you stupid prat!

Maybe a few deep breaths would be good.

It's not like Jamie.
He wouldn't just disappear...

- (PHONE PINGS)
- Oh!

Check that for me, will you, Father?
Just in case it's him.

"Congratulations, you've been nominated
to receive a course in Nocturnapram."

(TIRES SCREECH)

Shit!

- (HORN BEEPS)
- Twice! Unbelievable!

- Get out of the way, you prat!
- WOMAN: You trying to fucking kill me?

Four years.

Four years you guys have been together
and you never introduced me.

- You're ashamed of me, is that it?
- No, no, we're just...

We're just private people.

Well, when did that happen?

When did we stop
telling each other stuff?

You're my only family, Scotty, and if...

When all this calms down,
I want you to introduce me to him,

and I want to tell him
embarrassing stories about you,

because that's what family does. OK?

- Car.
- What?

I thought you said
no one ever comes here!

They don't, that's why we bought
the place. No, it's OK. It's OK.

It's OK. Um...

I'll handle it.

(DOOR OPENS)

You must be Rhonda.

You must be Arnold.

Scotty, a word.

Excuse us.

- It's nice to finally meet you.
- Likewise.

ARNOLD: I've been out there,
fighting for our plan.

Trying to stop the whole thing from
turning to shit. And where were you?

- I was helping my sister.
- Yeah.

OK, yeah, and you know what?
It felt great.

For the first time in a long time,

I did something that actually
made me feel OK about myself.

She has always had my back,

and I am disgusted with myself
that I abandoned her.

So how'd you get her out?

Faked a 911.

Please tell me you
didn't use your own phone.

(SIGHS) Scotty.

Now all they gotta do is trace the call.

Yeah.

OK, um...
I'll do my best to protect you

but we can't afford to both
be sucked into this.

Wait, you...

One of us has got to be there
to see the bunker through.

- What are you saying?
- I need plausible deniability.

I'll be under suspicion
if they know I'm with you.

- So I'll move my stuff into a hotel.
- Arnie, Arnie, this is ridiculous.

Is it? I don't think you've left us
with any other option.

They think she's a terrorist.
We can't both be accessories.

One of us has to keep
his security clearances.

You've made your choice.

I love you.

And I love you, too.

But right now, who cares?

This is bigger than us.

ARIEL: So you had me spring my own aunt
from jail without even realizing.

Very funny, God.

Very funny.

I haven't worked it out yet but
you're up to something, aren't you?

Playing a game.

Giving me a taste of my own medicine.

That dream I had about freeing Rhonda,
didn't understand it, did I?

Thought it was about the NSA
but did you have other plans?

(VOICE ECHOES) Maybe Max was right.

Have you chosen me, God?
Am I your vessel?

Is it even God I'm speaking to
or the other guy?

Well, whatever.
Get me out of this, I'm all yours.

You want me to go Old Testament,
I'll go Old Testament.

Excuse me!

My boy is in there, and I'm getting him.

Not without an appointment, love. Sorry.

Oh, I see.

You want a tumble, do you?
Is that what you're after?

Come on, then!

(SHOUTING)

PAULA: Get off!

PAULA: Get off!

- JUDE: Jamie! Wait!
- NURSE: Jamie.

- Don't go in there.
- Jamie, please. We're very busy.

Jamie, you have a daughter.

- What the fuck are you talking about?
- We met Layla a few days ago.

And I know that it's complicated
between you.

Yeah, just a bit.

I wonder who the father is.
Thanks for depressing me even more.

The little girl, she drew this.

She said this is her father,
that he works in a bank.

She drew you.

And look, she wrote where she lives.
You can find her.

- I can't handle this right now.
- Jamie, I understand.

You hate me because I ran away.

How is going in that room any different?

Is that what you want?

To be like me?

Jamie!

Jamie!

Jamie, get down here right now.

I said right now, young man.

Right, I'll count to three. One, two...

Mum, I'm 30 years old.

I'm doing the talking now, sunshine.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Do you think
I want some drug to survive?

Do you think
I even want to survive without you?

You're loved, Jamie.

I want you to feel how I feel.

If there's a chance that this girl
is yours, then you go and find her.

You put all this Layla crap behind you

and you jump in with both feet.

And you pour every part of you
into being her dad.

Your time, your energy, your love.

You pour it all in until
you don't even know where you end

and she begins.

And you hope that'll be enough.

That they'll be happy.

And that you never, ever

have to see your daughter
in a place like this.

Now...

I've got fish fingers for tea.

Are you coming or what?

- Back to the Vatican, then?
- Yeah.

Dave said he'd give us a ride
to the airport.

Um...

And I was thinking after the comet...

If there is an after, I could...

I haven't seen Rome.

You should come. It's...

It's very beautiful
and full of history and...

I'd love to show you around.

And vice versa, obviously,
if you want to come back to Slough,

cos you've barely
scratched the surface here so...

Jamie. What are you gonna do?

I think I'm gonna find my daughter.

See what this whole dad thing is about.

- I'm guessing my results came back.
- Hepatitis, I'm afraid.

You've come to kill me, haven't you?
I think that'd be a mistake.

Well, of course you do.

But then again, you are a little biased,
aren't you?

Go on.

ARIEL: I'm just like you, Grandma.

We could do great things together.

Plus, if you kill me,
you'll never know what I know.

Our family is bigger than you think.

SUTTON: Explain.

- Maybe Jude has another child.
- Bullshit.

- I'd know.
- Not if they were abandoned as a baby.

And what if he or she has a child?

Your great-granddaughter.

Six years old.

Imagine how clean that blood is.

What's her name and where is she?

Why would I tell you that
without something in return?

We both want to survive
so let's make a deal.

You let me go, save me a place in here,

and I'll get the girl.

A living, breathing blood bank.

- Deal?
- Deal!