You, Me and the Apocalypse (2015): Season 1, Episode 5 - Right in the Nuts - full transcript

Jamie and Dave bring Mary, who appears sharper away from the sedative drugs, to Ariel's last known London address, where she makes two revelations, one bizarre and one wounding to Jamie whilst Scotty and Gaines rescue Spike from Ariel, who has held him hostage to gain a place in the bunker. They are watched by the same pair who stalked Father Jude. Jude himself travels to Naples with Sister Celine to meet down to earth supposed miracle worker Antonia, who encourages their non-spiritual feelings for each other whilst Rhonda is taken captive by Leanne's hillbilly family for the reward and once again Rhonda has cause to be grateful to her fellow escapee.


# I can see clearly
now the rain has gone

JAMIE: See that?
That's what's gonna kill everyone.

Any second now.

It doesn't matter who you are,
who you pray to,

black or white,
straight or gay, rich or poor.

Yeah, it's Judgment Day.
The actual apocalypse.

And where am I? In Slough.

Or rather, under Slough,
watching it on telly.

One minute, now. One minute.

These pictures
coming live to us from Hubble.

JAMIE: You know that valley
in Africa that all human DNA

- can be traced back to?

Centuries from now, will archaeologists
say the same thing about Slough?

WOMAN: Get me out of here!

JAMIE: I mean,
are we the future of mankind?

It's time to brace ourselves.
To say goodbye.

I hope we'll meet again.

PRESIDENT: It's a work in progress,
but we have every faith

in a positive outcome.

Operation Saviour continues
to advance at an astounding pace,

a testament to what can be achieved

through shared
international endeavor.

Ten days from now,
the Saviour spacecraft

will be rocket-launched
beyond the Earth's atmosphere.

The craft will take a week...

ARIEL: I have what you want.
You have what I want.

Let's do something about that.

Once in place, Team Saviour
will be able to pinpoint precisely

the best moment to deploy
the craft's nuclear warhead,

pushing the comet off
its collision course with Earth.

CELINE: Lord, forgive me.

Last night I had a dream,

an inappropriate dream
about Father Jude.

I know I must fight these thoughts.

Strive to be pure
of thought and deed.

But it is difficult, Lord,
for I am scared of dying.

The rest of the world can take
comfort in each other's arms,

but I have no one.

Oh, for heaven's sake,
no need to rub my nose in it.

JUDE: I had to give half
our caseload to Father Christophe.

But don't worry.
I cherry-picked the best ones for us.

We have a faith healer.

Antonia Volenski.

She's got half of Naples convinced
that she's a miracle worker.

What? Why the face
when I say Naples?

It's not face. I just think we have
more pressing candidates to investigate.


Celine, did you just bear false
witness in the house of God?

Why don't you want to go to Naples?
Are you in the Mafia?

Witness Protection Program?

I know, you were a princess,

and you went there desperately trying to
experience the life of a common person.

That is the plot of Roman Holiday.

So it is Witness Protection?

I will book our transport
for the morning.

Celine, secrecy becomes you.

LEANNE: Whoo-hoo! Home sweet home!

Oh, man!
I'm gonna get me a big juicy steak.

Y'all don't even have to cook it!

And a chocolate milkshake! Ice cold!

- Or a bourbon!
- Yeah!

- Straight up!
- Straight up. And some sex.

By God, all-American fucking!

I miss sex.

Well, it's not gonna be long now, girl.

- No, it's not! (YELLS)

DAVE: When you think about it,
we barely know anything about her.

- JAMIE: We know she snores.

JAMIE: I just want to know
why Ariel was important,

and I... wasn't.


Are you a bit more awake this time?
Do you remember who we are?

You're Jamie.

And this is... Dave.

And we're driving to London
to find Ariel,

and it's taking forever

because of the end of the world
and the ridiculous bloody traffic.


DAVE: Top marks, Mrs C. Word for word.

Mind like a steel trap, me.

Crisps, Coke, Taser?

- Did you say Tasers?
- We're fine, thanks.

Depends, innit? Won't be long now,
there won't be no laws.

No please and thank you.
You alright for bread? Taser.

You wanna keep them shoes? Taser.
You wanna?

MARY: Well, no need for Tasers
now you've got me.

I once took down a cop
with his own truncheon.

(CHUCKLES) Are you serious?

Yeah, nuclear disarmament rally, '81.
He never saw it coming.

Jamie, your vagina mum is awesome.

No, never.

How would she collect the money?
The donations? Soldi. Dinero.

I don't get it.

What's her angle?
Maybe there is no angle.



Hey, boy. Hey.

I heard you're looking for me.
You're not welcome.

Unless you're here
to reopen the soup kitchen.

It's time you moved on.

Antonia, I am Sister Celine.
This is Father Jude.

May I call you Antonia?

You make people nervous,
poking around in that... get-up.

Are these the same people
that say that you do miracles?

Sorry for the hold-up, boys.

I reckon it's the drugs
they've had me on.

Waterworks on the blink.

Maybe we should make some noise.

Noise always helps me. We could sing.

Maybe I should... watch the van? Yeah.

Can't be too careful.

MARY: Jamie?

Yes, Mary?

Don't suppose you could tell me a story?
About you.

There's so much I don't know.

Yeah, sure. I can do that.

- What do you want to know about?
- Anything. Um...

How did you meet Layla?

She must be a gem, you going
through all this trouble to find her.

She is actually, yeah.

It's quite a funny story how we met.

Lift broke down.

The lights went out, and...
we were the only two people in there.

We were stuck in there for three hours.

Even in the dark I could tell she was...
amazing, out of my league.


I don't know, something just... clicked.



LEANNE: Whoo-hoo-hoo! Yeah!

It's um... it's very secure.

Oh, it's butt-ugly, you can say it.

Them damn cameras are so fake,
any hillbilly could see that.

- No lootin'! No loiterin'!

Oh, now, Junior,
do I look like a looter to you?

Momma, is that you?

Jolene, my baby girl!

You're all grown!

Momma's home!


(SIGHS) Come in.

CELINE: I spoke to Housekeeping. They
gave me a list of bars where Antonia go.

Good, good. Well, she likes to drink.
Maybe this is a Messiah that I can...

She does not like religious formality,

so I thought
we could go inconspicuous. Is OK?

Yes, um...

You look... inconspicuous.

So I see you outside in a minute?

Yeah, I'll see you in a minute.

Oh, my babies, my little babies!

I'm home. Oh, boy...

Boy howdy.

Lookee here. If it isn't Big Todd.

Hey, there, darling. Remember me?

Rhonda, this is Todd Senior.

Best kisser I ever met,
so I married him.

Todd, this is Rhonda.
She's the one who got me out.

- She's a peach.
- Very pleased to meet you.

You got out near two weeks back.

I seen it on the news.

Well, now, baby,
you know just as well as I do,

it's a long road when you're laying low.

If it helps any, I thought about
that nice tight butt of yours

the whole way here.

What's the matter, Poppa?

You ain't gonna welcome
your girl proper like?

Or you been so busy stocking up
on all this survivalist crap

that you forgot how?



They had me worried for a second.


- Leanne?
- Take a load off.

- Rhonda McNeil.
- Leanne?

Wha? Jolene, you put
those things down, that's company!

Well, I'm serious now, kids.
You put those things down, and get in.

Big Todd... What the fuck?

- Tell your friend to sit.
- Maybe I should just go.

Tell your friend the reward on her head

didn't say nothing
about her being in good health.

You stay right where you are, Rhonda.
What the hell's got into you?

Times are what they are,
and we could use the 200K.

This woman got the mother
of your children out of jail!

Think she's your friend, huh?
Think she's one of us?

Goddamn it, Big Todd,

did I call her a fucking peach
or did I not?

Tell you about her husband,
then, did she?

What? Of course she told...

- What about her husband?
- JOLENE: You ain't seen a picture?

You ain't heard his name?


What are they talking about, Rhonda?


I think this must be the place.


Just a water for me, please.

I'm surprised to see you here.

You're here to check
I'm not some crazy woman

claiming to be holy, so relax.

I'm not holy. I never said I was.

You're gonna join me,
aren't you, Sister?

If I do, you will talk to us,
answer our questions?

Sure. If you answer mine.

- Scotty?
- In here.

ARIEL: I know about Mount Genesis.

Don't worry, my lips are sealed.

After all, if I tell the world
about our little bunker,

it wouldn't be exclusive
anymore, would it?

So you're going to meet me tonight.

Bring proof of the bunker's location

and the keys, both the keys.

Come alone.

Or I kill the kid.




We have every faith
in a positive outcome.

Operation Saviour...

If he knows about the keys,

- we're being bugged.
- What?

You didn't say anything about
the bunker. You said he had Spike.

We have to go and meet him, right?
We don't have a choice.

You have to leave this to me.
You stay on Genesis.

This is Spike, OK, he's family...

Scotty, you have 22 days
to do four months' work!

Strategy, staying cool,

scaring the crap out of people,
that's what I do best,

so I'm gonna find out
everything I can about this guy,

and I'm gonna take care of it, OK?


Stop giggling.
You're avoiding the question.

You do realize
that you're flirting with a nun?

That's a question.

Only Celine gets to ask questions,
and it's not her turn.

Celine, why are you a nun?

OK, OK. My mother was a...

She went out to work one night,

and when I woke up in the morning,
I was still alone.

I was scared of the police, so I ran.

Begging, stealing,

trying to stay hidden.

You lived on the streets? Of Naples?

Eventually, the sisters found me.
They gave me a home.

But your file... You never said...

You were so rude that first day.

You took one look, and decided
you knew everything about me.

In retrospect,
that does seem like a dick move.

I thought so.

Maybe we are done making assumptions
about each other, yes?


Tell me...

what are your plans
for the last weeks on Earth?

In all likelihood,
you're going to die in 22 days.

I'm going to die, him, her...

Those three on the sofa
who I'm pretty sure are having sex.

The Pope himself
is going to die in 22 days.

And you're saying
you can't think of one thing

you want to do before then?

MARY: Is this it? Is this?

Is this my Ariel's?

- Ready?
- Of course he's ready.

Look at him. He's ready for anything.



I'm sorry, Jamie.

Don't be sorry.
We'll find another way in.

There'll be clues.
We'll work out where he's got to.

Not a problem, boys.
You leave this to Mary.

Oh... Yeah, great.

Because breaking and entering
worked out great last time, didn't it?

What did she say, anyway?

About the whole left in a car park
thing, dumping you and keeping him?

- Shh!
- What? I was asleep for ages.

- Did you even speak to her?

Detached the heating unit
from the wall. Still got it.



Look for hard drives, old mobiles,

address books, receipts, anything.

I'll check upstairs.

He's so positive, isn't he?
He's so full of light and hope.

Yeah, he's adorable,
right up until I have to watch life

kick him in the balls
over and over again.

JAMIE: Mary?


Who's this?

Oh, that's Ariel. That's your brother.

The girl. Who's the girl?

Well, that's Hawkwind.

She's pretty, isn't she?

They were very young,
but I could hardly object.

It's not like I was ever
the best role model.

Layla. It's... Layla.

No. No, love. That's Hawkwind.

That's your sister-in-law.

Yep, right in the balls.


Come on, Celine.
He can't take his eyes off you.

- Jude?
- Hm-hmm.


Celine, do you know the origin
of the word apocalypse?

The Latin comes from the Greek.

Apokalypsis, to uncover, to reveal.

What if there is a reason
they got one word from the other?

What if the apocalypse
is meant to reveal us?

Strip us back
to what we are really made of.

How do you do it?
Feed all those people.

You think if I can perform miracles,

I can tell you what to do
with the rest of your life?

OK, Sister Celine,

I'll show you.

Maybe Layla's got a twin too.

I mean, it's not completely
impossible, right?

The odds that she didn't know she had
an identical sister aren't great, but...


Oh, I'm sorry, man.

Ignore me. I don't know what I'm saying.

All my relationships
have been based on lies.

My mum lied to me my whole life.

And Layla...

No, Hawkwind.

Her name wasn't even...

I didn't even know
the name of my own wife.


He'll be alright. He's just...
Yeah, he'll be fine in a sec, yeah.

I know he's disappointed,
but we just have to remind him

that whatever happens,
these worldly concerns are beneath him.

Even if Layla is a bit
of a no-good Delilah,

Jamie walks a different path
from the rest of us.

Uh... OK.

Jamie is divine, Dave.

But then, as his closest disciple,
I'm sure you know that.

His what now?

What we need is a good, strong brew.

Uh... Uh... Ma...

Ooh... Mary?

What do you mean
when you say Jamie's divine?

You don't know?

Jamie knows, surely.

Well, I've never been a believer,

but then God spoke to me
when the boys were born.

Jamie is special.

Second-born would be mine,
the first was his.

(SIGHS) It broke my heart.

But my Jamie was destined for great
things, and I had to be strong.

To this day, I have to be strong.

Oh, he's only got herbal.

- Will that do?
- Yeah, and just to be clear, Mary...

- You left him in a car park because...
- MARY: Church car park.

A church car park, and you did that why?


Because Jamie is the son of God.

CELINE: Why are they celebrating?

Why not? Better than sitting back
waiting for death.

If a ship doesn't pass inspection
or they can't pay their taxes,

the containers sit here for months.

Food rotting while people
go hungry on the other side.

- And you tell them it comes from God.
- No. No, I just don't correct them.

Better than get caught
and lose our supplies.

Cocking H Christ! I am not the Messiah!

Hey, hey... Inside voice.
None of the Layla stuff is Mary's fault.

Now, Mrs C, are we sure
about the Messiah thing?

I heard what I heard.

Mary, God doesn't speak to people

outside of Charlton Heston films.

God definitely didn't speak to anyone

in Slough in the '80s.

- You were unwell.
- No, not back then. I wasn't sick then.

You heard a voice in your head,

and you left a new-born baby

in a cold, empty car park.

Church car park.

You left me, at night,

in the middle of winter.

I could have died.

But you didn't. I knew you wouldn't.

How is it
that everyone I'm related to

is completely barking insane?

Come on, Jamie. Come here.

What the hell is wrong with you?

She thinks I'm...

I think I have the right
to be a little bit

really fucking angry right now!

Keep your voice down, and try not to
make this all about you just this once.

It kind of is about me, isn't it?

What were you expecting
when you rescued her from that place?

You took responsibility for her, and
for what? So you could break her heart

the minute it turns out
she's actually properly mentally ill?

No, of course not.

Listen, I know Layla did
a number on you, and I'm sorry,

I really am, but it's time to start
thinking about other people now.

Like Mary. Like Paula.

Paula? What's Mum got to do with this?

Paula rescued you from the car park!
Paula raised you.

Have you called her this week?
No, I know you haven't,

because I did, and she's gutted.

You're upset, of course you are,
but we're all upset, everyone's scared.

So stop being a bell-end,
and stop taking people for granted.

I'm going back to searching, OK?

So, what do you get out of this?

What do you get out of being a priest?

I help people, try not to be a dick.

If it's been a good day,
I sleep better at night.


But you healed people,
you saved that man's life.

No, I offered first aid.

That's all. What? Are you disappointed?

Maybe a little.

Are you gonna denounce me, then?

Expose the awful truth?

I think the least we can do
is look the other way.

You can do a little bit
more than that. Don't you think?

He that hath pity on the poor
lendeth unto the Lord.




I stopped seeing the tattoo,
but that's really you, isn't it?

Well, maybe we both
saw what we needed to see.

What is all this?

Water purifier? Freeze-dried hot dogs!

You really believe
this stuff's gonna save you?

Yes, ma'am. We've got the best
bunker in ten blocks.

Except for Mark. He's got a hot tub.

We'd get saved on account
of we're the chosen ones.

Because we're pure.

Pure? Are you...

Are we talking about skin color again?

I have news for you.

Even if you survive the comet,
which you won't, by the way,

after that comes earthquakes, tsunamis,

acid rain, you name it.

It's an extinction-level event.

That means white people die,
that means black people die,

that means we all die!

What did I tell you, kids?
Some folks are real ignorant.

You know, I say we hold off
on calling the cops for now.

Little Miss High And Mighty here used
a kid as a human shield last week.

The reward for this bitch
only gonna go up.



Got you, you wanker.

You should know
that I'm not anyone special.

OK? I'm just an ordinary guy,
like Ariel.

Well, not exactly like him, but...

You get what I'm saying, right?

I'm not... holy.

- Get in!

ARIEL: Naughty naughty.

Now the house is gonna blow.

FEMALE VOICE: Clear the property.
Self-destruct in 60 seconds.

- Dave? What's going on?

The house is gonna blow up.

We should go. We should get out now.

Mary, come on.
We've got to get out of here!

- Self-destruct, Mary! Do you hear me?
- Self-destruct in 40 seconds.


Come on, what the hell are you doing?
Get the hell out of there!

Mum? Please!

Self-destruct in 30 seconds.

Mary Conroy, you did it.

I tested your faith,
but you held strong.

Self-destruct in 20 seconds.

I was ungrateful, and...


- Now it's time to follow me. Come!
- Self-destruct in ten seconds.

- Come with me.
- I knew. It's true.

Yes, it's true. I'm the son of God.

Now let's get the fuck out of here.

Self-destruct in three...

...two... one...
- We've got her.


ARIEL: Are you excited for this?
I know I am.

Enter General, stage left.

And the curtain rises
on this evening's show.

We're gonna have to do something
about that, aren't we?


Very boring, Spike.

I had this whole thing
beautifully choreographed,

and now you've thrown it right out.


- Now you're gonna miss the show.

ARIEL: Looking for us?


Gun down, soldier.

Kick it to me.

- You brought what I asked for?
- Uh-huh.

Show me.

Map to the bunker.

- And one of the keys.
- One? That wasn't the deal.

Well, if you know anything about
the keys, you know both are necessary.

We don't get in without you,
you don't get in without us.


I need three places
in the bunker guaranteed.

- Three?
- Three.

We can arrange that.

Throw it here.

- Who's the third place for?
- What?

Well, one place for you.
We assume one for Moscow girl.

Who's the third?

What did you say?

Well, you know, your Interpol file
is a real page-turner.

So, the woman in Moscow,
the one who nearly got you caught,

does she know you're doing this for her?

You don't know
what you're talking about.

Obviously, you realized she set you up,

but you still came out of hiding
just to talk to her.

I saw the photos. She's...

She's very beautiful.

Throw me the envelope,
or the kid dies, now.

What's her name, the Moscow girl?

Shut up.

Have you told her yet? Have you
told her how you're gonna save her?

Are you kidding me?

Give me the envelope
or I'll kill the kid! I will.

Does she know about the bunker is all?

- What?
- Does she know about the bunker?

No! No.

- OK? She doesn't.
- What about third place? Do they know?

- No one knows!
- Oh, no one knows...

No! He'll be dead
before I even hit the...


Whatever this is,
you're gonna sleep it off.

OK, buddy? You're gonna be fine.

You shouldn't have come.
You were gonna kill him.

What a way to stop me,
by almost killing him.

We're supposed to be saving people.

Right, what do we do?
Do we take him to the hospital?

First we get rid of the evidence.

MOLBY: Reporting on mark C,
mark F and mark G.

We have a situation.

No, not Mark.

The marks, as in the targets,
the subjects.

No, there's no one called Mark.
It's not even about...

They've made contact,
and it's not pretty.

We need new orders ASAP.

Sodding code names.

No one bothers to learn them,
apart from us.


I am drunk.

Yes, you are.

Jude, are you happy?

Am I happy?

You don't seem happy.

Why not leave?


The Church? No. No.


You never thought about it?

Look, my option is up in three weeks.

I might as well stick it out.

This is why I did not tell you about
Napoli. You take nothing seriously.

Come on. Death is when people
like you and I clean up.

I mean, we've put in the time.

The comet hits,
we go right to the VIP room.


I do wish you'd told me
more about yourself, though.

I'm sorry you were dealt
such a crappy hand.

I took vows because the convent
was the only home I ever had.

But now, do you ever wonder
what kind of person you would be?

I know exactly the kind of person
I would be without the Church.

Well, I am glad you are a priest.

And I am glad I met you.

No more alcohol for you.

- Ever.


- What, what?!
- Shush. Keep it down, damn it.

I slipped a mickey in the meatloaf, but
Big Todd up there has a high tolerance.

- What? What?
- Get up.

I filled up the tank
and packed you up some food.

Minced steak and milkshakes,
but beggars can't be choosers.

You think I didn't know
about your husband, dumb-ass?

His picture's been all over the TV.

Take it.

- Leanne...
- You'd better spend it.

This shit's gonna be just about fit
to wipe your ass with pretty quick.

You can come with me, you know.

I got my people, and you got yours.

You don't want me in DC.

- Who says I don't?
Oh, yeah?

You'd be OK introducing me to your son?

Think your husband
would shake my hand?

Well, you take care
of yourself now, hon.

You have yourself
a real good apocalypse.

You too, Leanne.

Mary's still in there
making friends with everyone.

I would complain, but she scored us
the last packet of...

What? What? What's happened now?

Hang on to this for me?

You decided where we're going yet?

We're going home.

We're going back to Slough.

I mean, The White Horse
could be dead out there.

It's like Schrodinger's cat
with a car and a cyberterrorist.

He's both dead and undead.

- Scotty...
- I'm a murderer and not a murderer,

- simultaneously...
- Scotty!

Come here.

If we take The White Horse
to the hospital,

and he wakes up, that's it,

we can kiss Mount Genesis goodbye.

I don't know who we are any more.

We're the idiots
trying to save the human race.