You, Me and the Apocalypse (2015): Season 1, Episode 4 - What Happens to Idiots - full transcript

(BEEPING)

# I can see clearly now
the rain has gone

JAMIE: See that?
That's what gonna kill everyone.

Any second now.

Doesn't matter who you are,
who you pray to,

black or white,
straight or gay, rich or poor.

And where am I?

In Slough.

Or rather, under Slough,
watching it on telly.

NEWSREADER:
One minute, now. One minute.

These pictures
coming live to us from Hubble.



JAMIE: Are we really
the future of mankind?

Because it seems like we're starting
with a very shallow gene pool.

More of a gene puddle, really.

NEWSREADER:
It's time to brace ourselves.

To say goodbye.

WOMAN: Levern, stop.

You are gonna do your job.

Close down l-72.

No, you're not.

You want to worry less about that comet
and more about my boot,

which is gonna be so far up your...

Hold on, Levern.

Excuse me, sir.

We're searching for two fugitives
believed to be in these parts. Female.



One late 40s, tattoo on her forehead.
The other, mid-30s.

- Seen them?
- No, ma'am.

They... dangerous?

Oh, yeah.
We're not playing games here.

(BOATACCELERATES)

Congratulations.
Look like you get to keep your balls.

Sorry about this.

(HORN BLARES)

Look, I want roadblocks on 88 and 27.

I don't know.
Either it hits or it don't.

You and me thinking about it
isn't gonna change a damn thing.

SPIKE: OK. We're almost there.
Now, don't forget the deal.

I get you into the NSA, into Facechaser.
You get me to my mom, right?

- You haven't forgotten.
- I've been here almost a week now,

and it sucks.

- Well, if you'd done it quicker.
- Well, I've been trying.

They've upped their game
since the last time I dropped by.

You know, you guys aren't
like I imagined.

I thought Deus Ex were
all about sticking it to the man,

but all you want to do is stalk girls.

- ARIEL: It isn't stalking.
- Uh, it kind of is, dude.

I assure you, once we're into the NSA,
we will also be wreaking havoc.

So, why are you trying to find her?
She turn you down for prom?

You always thought,
"One day, she will be mine. Oh, yes."

Except suddenly,
there aren't many days left.

For the final time, Spike,
there is no comet.

Whatever.

And we are in.

Gentlemen, I give you Facechaser.

- Good work, kid.
- Now can we find my mom?

(SPIKE GRUNTS)

Dude. What the hell?

(EXHALES)

RHONDA: You're joking, right?
We're not gonna shoot him.

LEANNE: Well, I don't want to, hon,

but I mean,
he's gonna call the cops. Duh.

Please. I... I've a family.
Awife, kids.

Just take my boat.

- OK, this is insane.
- Oh, is it? Is it insane?

How much do you want to stay free?
How much does your family mean to you?

A lot. It doesn't mean
I'm gonna start killing people.

I bet you would,
if it came right down to it.

No. I'm not you, OK?

Could you tell me
your wife's phone number?

W-Why?

Because we're gonna leave you here.

And I'll call her later.
I'll tell her how to find you.

Wuss.

(KNOCKS ON DOOR)

Hey, kid. You OK? Just keep your
mouth shut, yeah? Don't wind him up.

I thought you guys wanted
to change the world.

- He's not as smart as you think.
- He's a genius.

And what if he's wrong about the comet?

Do yourself a favor.

You're in the NSA now.
Take a look around, huh?

See whether you think it's a hoax.

(CHURCH BELLS RING)

JUDE: I don't mind sharing my caseload.

I mind sharing it with someone
who's not up to the task.

Father, Chris is tipped
for some great things around here.

History teaches us that being
tipped for great things around here

is a foolproof barometer
of intellect and moral fiber.

Father Jude, this is not a request.
It's an order.

(MAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

(CELINE LAUGHS)

His face was so funny. I was trying.

(JUDGE TAPS TEACUP)

Jude. I was just telling your lovely
researcher some old stories about you.

From the seminary.

I'm looking forward
to working with you again.

What an honor that the Cardinal
has entrusted us

with such an important task.

I was just showing Father Christophe
some of our case files.

Well, if you need help with any
of the big words, just give a shout.

Well.

I see you have lost none of your charm.

I won't stay. I know how busy you are.

I'll take these to be getting on with.

We must do this again sometime.

(BUZZES REPEATEDLY)

So, this is it, mate.

Somewhere beyond these walls is
the woman from whom you emerged.

The wizard who magicked you
from her sleeve. Big moment, this.

No, not really.

Just one more step towards Layla.
Just go in,

ask her where my brother is,
get out. Simple.

MAN: Read the sign. Piss off.

Well, that was worth
six days of hitchhiking.

"In accordance with Section Seven
of the Emergency Apocalypse Act,

blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah,

property's been seized by the
government, blah, blah, blah..."

"Access and egress is restricted."

Yeah, basically,
"Piss off, no visitors."

Is this where you fall into despair and
I do the Wind Beneath Your Wings thing?

No. We just skip to Plan B.

No wind required.

Cheers. Here's to the alcopopolypse.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

I'm not buying it, by the way.

You're crapping it about meeting
your real mum, aren't you?

No. I'm crapping it

in case something happens
to Layla before I can get to her.

I'm entirely ambivalent about the woman
who abandoned me in a car park.

She's just the means to finding my wife.

No, no. You care. You always care.
That's your thing.

Yeah. Well, maybe I'm changing.
Maybe a bit of you is rubbing off on me.

Are you dancing? You never dance.

(DAVE LAUGHS)

CELINE: I like Father Christophe.
He is charming,

easy on the eyes.

- Punchable.
- You are jealous, aren't you?

Because he is famous and you are not.
He saved all those hostages in the bank.

The fella was armed to the teeth
with a toy gun.

- Christophe did not know it was fake.
- He says. The big phony.

Alright, which freak
are we investigating now?

Giovanni Corvi. Proclaimed
himself Messiah on social media.

Says he will prove it by performing
a miracle at 5pm.

Ajumper.

Our boy just arrived.
We could just do it here.

Too many people. Too risky.

LEANNE: Well, hello.

Come. Come on.

Shut your mouth. Here we go.

Well, I don't see anyone.

OK.

Oh, yeah. Shit's getting real.

Oh, fuck.

Girl, we're on vacation.

(SQUEALS IN EXCITEMENT)

We're in business, girl.

I mean, you want the honeymoon
or the presidential suite? Yeah.

I don't care.
Just as long as it has a tub.

Oh my God. I'm gonna take a bath.
I'm gonna smell human again.

Yeah, you're stinky, girl.
Like a dead alligator.

- Alright.
- Hop to it, lady.

(CROWD MURMURS)

(CLOCK TICKS)

He says he wants to talk to you, Father.

Have you ever done
anything like this before?

Uh, no.

We have a trained negotiator on the way.
Maybe we wait?

I'd like to do it.

What if he is suicidal?
Leave it to the experts.

I think I can help him.

Is this about Christophe?
Is that it?

You would risk a man's life for
your own moment in front of the cameras?

Is that really what you think of me?

MAX: Ariel.

Ariel.

For God's sake, Ariel.
Stop looking for her. This is important.

Is this about the kid?
Because I'm getting a little bored.

It's not a fucking hoax.
The comet's real. You were wrong.

Read this. All of it.

We're dying.

We've got 26 days, man.

(ARIEL SIGHS)

(ANXIOUS CHATTER)

Father Jude?

Thank you for coming.

(CROWD GASPS)

(SIGHS)

GIOVANNI OVER RADIO:
Quite a crowd.

Sister, we have audio now.

JUDE: Everybody loves a miracle.

Do you mind my asking what the plan is?

I'm going to step off.

At exactly five o'clock.

And the encore?

I die.

Live on the television.

In front of millions.

I'm no Messiah.

I just want people to watch.

I want the world to know
what the Church...

did to me.

What this man did to me.

Nobody listened...

when I told them,
with a reasonable voice.

(GROANS)

Do you want a hand?

GIOVANNl: You want to help?

Yeah. Because that guy sounds
like he was a fucking asshole.

Give me some flyers.

I say some pretty strong things
about the Church, too.

The Church isn't God. It's just people.

Most of them good.

Some not so good.

No, this... This is a tactic.

They teach you.

To gain my trust, to talk me down.

I promise you...
I have no idea what I'm doing.

Oh.

- Sister, this is terrible.
- I know. That poor man.

I mean the flyers.
Why the hell is Jude helping him?

Ooh, hon, I found us
some bourbon and some candy.

I am gonna rock out with my cock out.
Yee-haw.

Oh. You didn't find any razors, did you?
I look like a Sasquatch.

(LEANNE GASPS)

You don't think they've still got
the dirty channels on the TV?

Oh, because I'm feeling real tense.

I could use a little feminine release,
if you know what I mean.

(GRUNTS)

Leanne, do you remember
the conversation we had

about too much information? (SCREAMS)

There's a man outside the window.

- Did he see your face?
- He saw everything.

Well, goddamn it!

LEANNE: Hey you. Hands up.

Stop right there, buster,

or I swear to God,
I will shoot you right in the ball sack.

- Please don't hurt me.
- Leanne.

- Did you call the cops, son?
- No.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

- Then why don't I believe you?
- I don't know.

- Did you call the motherfucking cops?
- No. No.

For God's sakes, Leanne.
He's just a kid.

He's got fingers.
He can dial a phone like anyone else.

Look at me. Look at me.
Did you call the cops?

No, I swear.

(COCKS THE GUN)

Do you still get
the adult channels here?

Uh... yeah? Channels 60 to 84.

So I hear.

Do me a favor.

Why don't you go treat yourself
to a feminine release, OK? I got this.

Her bark's worse than her bite.

You're safe. I promise.

We just need someplace to stay
for a few hours.

- You live here?
- My mom owns the place.

- Where is she?
- I don't know.

When the comet happened,
she took off with this guy.

She said she'd be back
in a couple of days.

That was, like, a week ago.

Uh... My son loves that game.

Do you want to play?

JUDE: I know it's hard,
but there is still good to be done here.

These aren't rubberneckers.
They're here to see a miracle.

You jump, it's just one more
depressing thing to forget about.

Give them a hopeful ending...

and your story will go everywhere.

I'm still doing it.

(SIGHS) Alright.

I wasn't gonna tell you this...

because there are people listening.

But I have no other alternative now.

I read your file.
You have children.

I am... begging you.

Don't do this to them.

JUDE: My father killed himself
when I was 14.

And believe me when I tell you...

they will never get over it.

They'll think about it every day.

Think about you.

This.

They will beat themselves up.

They will blame themselves,
until one day...

they may think...
about killing themselves.

And then that man on the flyer
will have ruined their lives as well.

This is good.

Very good.

And what saved you?

God.

God spoke to me.

He told me I mattered.

Well, He isn't speaking to me.

But I am.

Giovanni.

You matter.

And you are loved.

(BELL CHIMES THE HOUR)

(BELL CHIMES)

Don't do this.

(BELL CHIMES)

(GIOVANNI WHIMPERS)

(BELL CHIMES)

Please don't do this.

JUDE: Please don't do this.

(BELL CHIMES)

GIOVANNl: Father, you were right.

(JUDE SIGHS)

I wanted to tell my story.

(EXHALES)

Father? You alright?

Yeah. I think it's just
a post-adrenaline... thing,

and I have
a shaky leg issue happening.

GIOVANNl: Seriously?

Come on.

(CROWD APPLAUDS)

CHRISTOPHE: I know. It's great.

We can easily spin this
in our favor now.

It's priest saves sinner.

(CHEERING)

Jude, I am so sorry. I did not know.
You were right about Christophe.

CHRISTOPHE: We were all praying for you.

(SCANNER BEEPS,
GATE CREAKS OPEN)

It's working.

OK, it's clear.

- Who's looking after these poor sods?
- Let's just stay focused, OK?

It's not our problem.

OK, which one is she?

- How should I know?
- Well...

Look for the one
with the bum chin.

I don't have a...

Mary?

Mary?

Mary?

DAVE: Hey, over here.

That's her. That's who made you.

You alright?

Yeah.

Mary?

Mary?

Are you there?

Jamie.

ARIEL: 26 days.

I had so much I wanted to do.

I was gonna rip this world a new one.

MAX: Yeah? Well,
now God's gonna do it for you.

At least let the kid go, huh?
I mean, what does it matter now?

We've just got to cross our fingers,
hope Saviour works.

No.

Why should we?

The Cold War.
There were contingencies.

Nukes went off, we were toast. But the
guys with their fingers on the button,

they all had bunkers.

No, there must be a Plan B.

And we're gonna find it.

Because we're Deus fucking Ex,
and that's what we do.

We steal secrets.

If there's a way of surviving this,
we're gonna get in on it, right?

Mary, please. It's me.

Mate, let's get what we need,
before someone comes.

OK. Yeah, I'm trying to.

Mary?

It's Jamie. I need to know
about my brother, Ariel.

- I need to know where I can find him.
- Hey, hey. Hang on. Yes.

Yeah. A bill for her treatment,
and there's an address for who's paying.

Who the hell's Claire Roony?

I thought Ariel was paying the bills.
That's the whole reason we came here.

- Mary.
- Hang on, hang on.

JAMIE: Mary.

Yes. Look.

Claire Roony is an anagram.

See? Told you all those years of
watching Countdown would pay off.

Let's go.

(JAMIE SIGHS)

No, no, no, no. Look.
We got what you wanted.

It's your brother's address.
Jamie, Layla could be there right now.

She said my name.

Yeah, ages ago. Maybe if we wait
another hour, she'll say something else.

Look at her. She's gone, man. Let's go.

- You were right. I can't help caring.
- No, you were right.

- This is not your problem.
- I can't just leave her.

I mean, look at this place.

- She's part of me.
- Are you serious?

We can barely look after ourselves,
let alone a...

(METAL DOOR CLANGS)

Live it up.

(DOCTOR BEAT BOXES)

(MUSIC BLARES OVER HEADPHONES)

Hi.

I'm from the agency.

Oh, thank God. The cavalry.

(SIGHS)

You've got no idea
what it's been like here.

Three of us holding this whole place
together, for the last week.

Everyone else scarpered
after they announced the comet.

And every day, they've been
dumping more poor sods on us.

- Why?
- End of the world.

Some people can't handle it. They crack.

Alright, Bonesy?

Caught another of them skagheads

breaking in this morning,
looking for a fix.

They won't be doing that
again in a hurry, know what I mean?

Alright, pal?

- You new?
- Yeah.

If you see any intruders,
you just shout. Yeah?

Laters.

- Right. Let's get some drugs in them.
- OK.

- Sedate them.
- I'll get some water.

Water? You really are new.
All we've got left is... suppositories.

Should we start with the new guy?

OK.

You're gonna need gloves, mate.

- Me?
- Hm-hm.

I was ill
the day we did it on my course.

Don't worry about it.
It's not brain surgery.

That's the other end. It's much harder.

Alright, go on then. Get in there.

Forgetting something? Hmm?

Oh, come on. Don't be shy.
You don't want it to pop out, do you?

No. We wouldn't want to do this twice,
would we?

You've actually got really good fingers
for this. Nice and long.

Thanks. I used to play the piano.

Momma's juice needs some ice. Damn it.

(COCKS GUN)

- BOBBY: You know, you're pretty cool.
- Aw, thanks.

- BOBBY: Spike's lucky.
- Oh, see, I think I'm the lucky one.

- Spike kind of saved me.
- In what way?

Well, um... My first husband,
Spike's dad...

He wasn't very nice to me.

I had to get out of there.
It was pretty bad, actually.

I had nothing.
No job, no house, no money.

All I had was Spike.

But every afternoon,
we would watch SpongeBob together.

And he'd fall asleep on me.

I'd just lie there, watching him.

He had these sweaty little palms,
but... he was always so peaceful.

It made it seem
like everything was gonna be OK.

I couldn't have gotten
through it without him.

Yes. I stabbed you in the face.
Suck it, loser.

TANNOY: Rhonda McNeil.
This is the police.

- Come out with your hands up.
- What? What?

What? I don't understand.

- How is this happening?
- I'm sorry.

I called them when you broke in.

I didn't know you were nice.

I'm sure if you just hand yourself in,
they'll totally understand.

No, no.
They think I'm a terrorist, OK?

I am never gonna see
my family again. Oh, my God. OK.

There's got to be
another way out of here, right?

TANNOY:
Rhonda, it's over. We have Leanne.

Let the boy go.
He has nothing to do with this.

I'm sorry, OK?

No, I'm sorry.

OK, I'm coming out.

Move back, all of you.

I'll do it, I swear to God.

I said get back!

I just need to phone the missus.
I'll see you next door in five. Yeah?

(MUSIC OVER HEADPHONES)

- We'll never speak of this again.
- Agreed.

Whatever the opposite
of "bucket list" is, that's on mine.

Let's just get Mary and go.

Yep.

God, I hope you know
what you're doing, man.

OK, we're good.

Mate, come on. We need to go...

- (GROANS)
- No.

Dave, no. We need to move now.

Dave, you've taken worse than that one.

Alright. Let's not do anything dumb,
here, Rhonda.

Oh, I think we passed
through dumb a long time ago.

Leanne.

- Where's Leanne?
- Right here, darling.

RHONDA: Uncuff her.

Now! Now!

So, that's what I'm talking about.

Oh yeah, that's good stuff.

You know what? I'm just going
to take this off you, as a thank you.

Oh, now look at these good-Iooking cops
they've got around these parts.

Is that a rifle you're pointing,
or are you just happy to see me?

No one moves, unless I say so. OK?

Um... You might want to tell
them to drop their weapons, hon.

Right, yes.

I should have said that earlier.

- She's new.
- OK, you heard her. Drop 'em.

Oh, yeah. Now, I had my eye on this one.

This cost you a pretty penny,
I can tell you that much.

I'm gonna have to get me
one of those government jobs.

I'd join the FBI.

Leanne, ideas?

Oh, I can take it from here, sweet pea.

Now, I've got
some bad news for you folks.

The lady holding the gun to the kid's
head is the voice of reason

in this scenario.

But I'm Leanne, and we're gonna play
a little game, called Leanne Says.

Rules? Real simple. I'm gonna say
something, and you're gonna do it

or I'm gonna shoot you.

First one. Leanne says:
Pop your trunk and drop your keys.

Come on, hop to it, people.
I honestly ain't got all day.

That's good. Come on, left side.
I'm not fucking around over here.

Goddamn it.
That right side's putting you to shame.

Alright. Leanne says:
All of y'all, get in your trunks.

Now, that was kind of a giveaway.

And why don't you stay put,
little Miss Priss?

There you go. Yeah, that's good. OK.
Come on, come on.

Look at this cute little couple.
This is just like The Dating Game.

Y'all are gonna be engaged
to be married by the end of this shit.

Good God!

Oh, who have we here?

Oh, now I don't want you guys
to become homosexual.

So, you bear that in mind.
That's against God.

- Oh, look at this.
- Rhonda, look at me.

I've read your file. This isn't you.

Well, that was like
taking candy from a baby.

Apparently, it is now.

You've got a boy, haven't you?

Can you really bring yourself to do it?
Could you live with yourself?

Oh my God. Shut up and get in the car.

What are you doing? A monologue?
Rhonda McNeil, we did it.

Whoo-hoo. We're like motherfucking
Starsky and Hutch.

I'm sorry.

(LEANNE WHOOPS) Yeah.

(ALARM RINGS)

No. No, no, no, no.

Yes.

OK. That's it.

Oh, we've got to go. Come on.

(ALARM RINGS)

GUARD: Is that you, pal?

- Yes.
- Hey!

- What are you doing?
- You're joking.

You. You. Out, now. Get out.

I didn't stick my fingers
up his bum for this.

- (ENGINE STARTS)
- Yes.

(TIRES SQUEAL)

Hey.

Bring that back! Hey!

Come back, you bastard.

(TIRES SQUEAL)

LARSSON: Needle?

MOLBY: Yeah.

LARSSEN: So, how do you want
to play this? Lost tourist?

It's never failed us yet.

(MOLBY LAUGHS)

CHRISTOPHE: We were all praying for you.

(APPLAUSE ON TV)

He's taking all the credit.

(CROWD CHEERS)

Good. I don't want it.

Jude, please talk to me.

He scares me.

Because he works for himself
and not the truth.

The Church, the faithful...
They all want a Messiah.

And the pressure is tremendous,

and you have to have backbone
to stand up to that.

Now, I'm not saying that I'm a good man.

I've done things I'm deeply ashamed of.
But...

I'm trying to do better.

All I want from you is...
to be here in the morning to help me.

You were right.

Father Christophe...

He's very, very punchable.

Well, at least we agree on something.

I'll see you in the morning.

MAX: OK, long story short.
I did some pretty awesome shit,

and I found him.
This is who's planning Saviour.

And the backup plan.

There's a bunker.

- And this is the secret unit behind it.
- This?

- Two guys round a kitchen table?
- The point is this guy.

Scotty McNeil.

- You are kidding.
- No. I checked his Facebook.

It's the kid's freaking uncle.

There are seven billion people
on this planet,

and we've got this guy's nephew?

I know, right? Which got me thinking.
Dude, what if this is more than chance?

What if there's, like,
a higher power at work here?

- Max, we're atheists.
- I know.

But we were wrong
about the comet, right?

I mean, you heard. They're looking
for people to go into a bunker.

We're in his laptop now.
It's only a matter of time

before we break
the encryption on his files.

- It's, like, too good to be true.
- What are you saying?

I'm saying, what if God exists?

What if He wants us in that bunker?

What if we are the chosen ones?

LEANNE: You're lucky she's here, because
if it was up to me, I'd shoot you.

But Rhonda is a good girl, and I think
you should know that about her.

You have a good night now, ma'am.

Feeling it now, huh? The guilt.

You need to let me go.

- And give yourself up.
- I can't go back to jail.

You need to know I didn't
choose any of this.

No, you did.

You chose to point a gun at a child.

That's who you are now.

You've been hanging out
with your friend for too long.

- Have a good night.
- You know I'm not gonna stop, right?

I will find you.

Oh, excuse me, Father.
Do you speak English?

- I do.
- Oh, gosh. This is so embarrassing.

I'm trying to find my hotel.

I dumped my bags, went for dinner,
and I have no idea where I am.

I think it's down here somewhere.

Oh, mosquitoes out tonight, huh?

MAX: I'm gonna go see my family.

I haven't seen them since the comet.

And I want to tell them
about the bunker.

Oh.

I mean, we shouldn't
just save ourselves, right?

- Right.
- Just my mom and dad.

And my sister. Maybe a few cousins.
I mean, that's OK, right?

ARIEL: There's nothing more important
to me than family.

Cool. I was worried you were
gonna be funny about it.

- We're not gonna hurt the kid, are we?
- Of course not.

The kid's the bargaining chip.
I need the kid.

It's you I don't need anymore.

(GUN FIRES)

That's what happens to idiots.

Don't be an idiot, Spike.