You, Me and the Apocalypse (2015): Season 1, Episode 10 - Episode #1.10 - full transcript

Reunited with Spike and her dying husband Rhonda, along with Leanne, Gaines and Scotty, is flown to England and the bunker, where she lets fly at her mother, Sutton, for faking her death, leading her children to be fostered. Paula and Dave, just married with Celine in attendance, rescue Jamie, thanks to Frankie's psychic powers, and save Layla, the whole group also arriving at the bunker. However a rock has jammed the door and somebody must drive a truck at it to free it. The trouble is that they will be sacrificing themselves to save the others. And Ariel may not be far behind...


# I can see clearly now
the rain has gone

JAMIE: See that?
That's the end of life as we know it.

# I can see all obstacles...

Yeah. It's the end of the world.
The actual apocalypse.

# Gone are the dark clouds...

And where am I?

I'm deep
under the suburbs of suburbia.

Watching it on telly.

One minute, now. One minute.

These pictures
coming live to us from Hubble.

We've got life feeds...

JAMIE: A few minutes ago,
I was a dead man.

Now... Now I don't know what I am.

It's time to brace ourselves.
To say goodbye.

Yeah, it's been quite a morning so far.


- Faster! Put your foot down!
- It is down!

Quit telling me how to drive!

God, Scotty, I'm so sorry. Just hold on.
Everything's gonna be OK.

- OK, we lost them. Go left.

I said go left!

Go left? There ain't no left.
It's a fence! Are you blind?

Go left! That's an order!

Don't you be taking
that tone of voice with me.

Please go left, ma'am, so I can save
the life of everyone in this vehicle.

Oh well, gee, since you asked so nice!


Thank you so much.

LEANNE: Stop it.

OK, that's us.

Where the hell are we going?

- England.
- England? Why England?

There's a bunker. Mom's.


I don't understand. Mom's dead.

We'd almost given up on you.

Oh crap, is he going to make it?

Yeah, now let's get going.

GAINES: I got you, buddy.

You're cutting it bloody fine.
It's a seven-and-a-half-hour flight.

Well, fly us then!


Oh my God.

Oh my God, am I dreaming?

Oh, my boys!

Oh, I don't know why this is happening
but I'm so glad that it is!

OK, guys, buckle up!

I always promised to take you
to Europe one day. Well, ta-da!

Oh, yeah, you're such a romantic!

Guess what?
We're staying in a hole in the ground.

There's no natural light
and your mother's going to be there.

Yeah... Yeah, my mother.

The one who killed my father
and then died in a plane crash.

That won't be weird at all.
You know what? I don't care.

I'm just so happy to see you both.

So the final day dawns over Britain.
The sun will rise...

In ancient Egypt, when a pharaoh died,
they buried his servants with him.

So they could serve him
in the afterlife.


Your uh... Your pressure is through
the roof. You need to relax.

They will get here.

Relax? How can I relax?

If they don't get here in time,
this will be my mausoleum.

How long?
How long will I last without new blood?

(MUFFLED VOICE) Help! Where am I?

The sedative must have worn off.


GHOSTLY VOICE: Frankie, wake up.

- Go and find your grandmother.
- OK.

She's at the church.

- Why?
- You'll need her help.


The failed Saviour blast
created a huge amount of debris

so the final hour will see a meteor
shower on an unprecedented scale.

- Where's Jamie? He said he'd be here.

I'm sure he's on his way.
At least she turned up.

Oh, bloody hell! You're a bit happy.

Yes. OK, this is going to sound crazy.

But last night I was very drunk
in the toilet of the pub

and I had
the most incredible experience.

- With...
- God!

God came to me. She was wonderful.
There is nothing to be scared of.

We will all go to heaven
and I'm going to see Jude again.

Oh, I'm so happy!

Bit bonkers and emotionally vulnerable.
My perfect woman.


Oh, can you hang on a bit?
I'm just waiting for my son.

Sorry, now or never.


I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may now kiss the bride.

- Quickly!
- FRANKIE: Stop!

There's no time for kissing.
We have to go to the bank.

What are you on about?

The voice said I have to get you to go
to Daddy's bank. I don't know why.

Whoa, whoa! So, we're seriously doing
everything this voice is telling us?

What if it's Jamie?
What if something's happened to him?

We can't just steal a car!

Whoa, have I become the voice of reason
now? Marriage has changed me.

Get in the car, David.

Yes, dear.

JAMIE: You're just
a jumped-up bit of tree, aren't you?

I've spent
my whole working life looking after you.

And when push comes to shove...

what use are you?



Is somebody there?



Yes! Yes! (LAUGHS)

Go... to...

Go to the computer.


The spreadsheet is called vault codes.

Yeah, bank vault codes. On it.

And the password is...

- Dave...
- Dave?

- Has a...
- has a...


(SIGHS) tiny...


Dave has a tiny winkie!

Could just leave him in there.


- Mum! Dave!
- Jamie!

Oh God, I'm so pleased to see you!
I thought I was gonna die in here!

And I thought I was gonna lose my baby!
What happened?

My brother, he's pretending to be me.
He's got Layla and Frankie.

- No, Frankie's with us.
- Oh, thank God!

We still need to get Layla though.
See, there's this bunker.

We can all survive if we...

Why are you dressed like that?

We told you last ni...

Hold on.

Was that your brother?


I mean, he was good.

Very, very convincing.

Thanks, Mum, that's really helpful!

Seriously, why...

Well, we've got some news.


Why aren't you scared?

There is nothing to be scared of.
It's going to be wonderful.

We will all wake up in heaven
and I'm going to be with Jude again.

Jude doesn't want to see you.

Why do you say that?

It's true. He says he wants you to live.

He wants you
to look after the baby in your tummy.

Why don't you believe me?

Because it's impossible.
I can't be pregnant!

Why not?

Because the doctor said
I can't have children.

My tummy doesn't work well.
I cannot make any eggs.

Oh, we had a chicken like you once.

So Mum cut its head off and we ate it.

- What's that?
- Um... It's a baby stick.

- I have to pee-pee on it.
- Ew! That's disgusting.



Frankie! Frankie!

Great news! We were worried sick.
Listen, just keep her there.

And we're coming straight away.

My grandma found Frankie.

Oh God, really?

- How?
- I don't know.

Apparently she just ran into the bunker
a few minutes ago.

The point is, she's safe. OK?

I... I don't understand. Frankie
doesn't know where the bunker is.

Uh... Maybe the voice in her head
told her where it was.

- Right.
- What does it matter?

Let's just get in the car
and go and be a family.

- I love you.
- Oh, I love you!

PAULA: Cheer up.

We'll all go and find Layla and then
we can all live happily ever after.

- Yeah, with him as my step-dad.
- Yeah, love you too, Junior.

So, this is us.
From now on, we drive in style.

Where are they?
You said they were waiting in the car.


Oh, for God's sake!

LEANNE: 30 minutes till we land, folks.

Hey, um... I wanted to say...

Thank you. I appreciate
you getting me out back there.

I'm sorry your friend got hurt.

Now let's get one thing straight.

I didn't get you out, Rhonda did.
I'd have left you to rot.

Cos I've spent my life fighting
everything that symbol stands for.

You know what you are? A dinosaur.

You know what happened to dinosaurs last
time? They got wiped out by an asteroid.

Stay away from me.

Somebody's having her time of the month.

- RHONDA: Don't ever say that.
- RAJESH: I'm serious.

If I'm slowing you down, leave me.
Save yourself. I'm dying anyway.

- You have a one in five chance.
- Had.

I had a one in five chance
but that was with treatment.

Well, there's a doctor in the bunker.
That lady told you.

- Rhonda, please be reasonable.
- Fuck reasonable!

You think reasonable
is why we're all together now?

You think Leanne's reasonable?

Or my mum, whatever the hell her story
is? You think it's reasonable?

They're survivors.
We should be more like them.



It's OK. Stay calm.

This is what you wanted.

You can just not look.

Then you will never know.


Help me!

Celine! Frankie!

- We're running out of time.
- Maybe we should split up.

- Cover more ground.
- No!

It's splitting up that caused
the problem in the first place!



Oh, thank God! You're safe!

You had me so scared.

You mustn't run off like that.
Where's Celine?

She's in there.


I don't mean to seem heartless
but we haven't got time.

- Either we rescue Celine or...

- Or we go and find Layla

but we can't do both.

Listen, we don't even know
if she's still alive.

CELINE: I beg you, help!

Help me!

Please help me!

I'm pregnant! I want to live.

Celine, it's Jamie! We're coming.

CELINE: Jamie, is that you?

Oh, it's a miracle.
You're my angel, Jamie.

Dad, after this we're going to get Mum,
aren't we?

Everything's going to be fine,
I promise.

I ain't no expert
but this don't look too good.

This don't look too good, folks.

Arnie, our promise...

It still stands, right?

I don't wanna go in that bunker.

Me neither.

But you said you'd be with me
at the end. Right?

Now, we promised your sister
that we'd take her to that bunker

and I keep my promises.

- You've gotta hang on...



- LEANNE: We're going down!
- Everybody strap yourselves in! Now!

We tried, didn't we?

Yeah, we tried.

LEANNE: I ain't a coward.

I'll meet my maker
with my head held high.



Help us!

Help us.



Scotty, can you hear me?

Scotty, I think this is it.

But whatever happens,
I'll be by your side.

And I'm happy about that.

- I'm happy we're going to be together.

Can a dinosaur do that?

I'm changing.

So you can suck it.

Well, what are you waiting for?
Let's get your wife out.

So, this is England?

It's pretty.

You know, aside from the rocks
falling out of the sky.


- Mom?
- Spike, are you OK?


Dad, if Dave's married to Grandma,
does that mean he's my grandpa?

- No.
- DAVE: Yeah.


Hang on,
I thought the bunker was back there.

Jamie, no.
No, we are not going to Windsor.

Just a few minutes. OK?
I at least have to try to find her.

LARSSON: We have to run right now.

The bunker is still two miles away.

Honey, she's right.
Anyone who can't run gets left behind.

I'm not gonna make it. Go, please.

No, I said I won't let you go. Ever.

And if you're not willing to fight,

then I guess I'll just have to
surrender. Is that what you want? Huh?

- What you doing?
- I don't have time for this.

Rhonda, I don't give a monkey
about the others.

But you and Spike are coming
to the bunker now. Now move!


Oh, not so fast, Munchkinland.
You know what?

I've got a question for you because
something seems real funky to me.

I'd like to know
why you're so hot and bothered

to get Rhonda and her son
into that bunker. Hmm?


Give me one good reason
why I shouldn't kill you.

Because I'm the only one who knows
where the bunker is, you moron.

You know, that's a real good reason.




MAN: Get out of the way!

Sir, do you have any possible
means of survival?

Course not. Out the way!

OK, then I need this truck
more than you do.

So get out of the car
and give me the keys.

Piss off!

I'm very sorry.

But I do need this truck
and I did ask nicely.

Now get out and give me the keys.

I said get out.

Or what?

- Sir, I don't have time for this!

I am not joking!

Get out of the truck!

Give me the truck!


He was gonna die anyway. Right?

RHONDA: In a few minutes.

Come on, let's go.

LAYLA: Where the hell are we?

This brings us back out by the bridge.

Can we um...
Can we talk about last night?

About me... not...

Oh, Jamie, we've got bigger things
to worry about right now

than your erections.
It's really not a problem, sweetheart.

Worked perfectly well every other night,
didn't it?

Right, yeah, course it did. Just...
Last night it didn't.

I just wouldn't want you
thinking less of me, babe.


It'll be fine once we're in the bunker.

I'll be like a completely new man,
I promise.

Jamie... Did you just call me babe?

You hate the word babe.

How did you get a call from your gran?

The network's down.

Ariel used to call me babe.

Everything I've done, I've done because
I love you and I want to save you.

The bunker's real
and it's your only hope.

I know where it is. You don't.

And Frankie?

We can make another Frankie.

Our daughter, not his.

I... love you.

And I know we can make this work.


I'd rather die.

- No!



Come on, Layla, please, please, please.

Jamie, love. We need to go back.

It's over.

You've got to think about Frankie.

It's time to let Layla go.

Dad, why aren't we moving?

JAMIE: We're going to the bunker.

Dad, I don't understand.

What are you doing?

She's there!


Mummy, run!




Rajesh, honey, please look at me.


He was gonna die anyway, right?

I thought it was kind of bad ass!

Don't say that!


He didn't mean that.

hadn't have done it, I would have.

Well, General,

looks like you and me
have a few similarities.


Yes, we made it! Up yours, universe!

We are going to survive!




- Is there another bridge?
- Not for miles.

We wouldn't get there in time.

Is anyone good at swimming?

Not even doggy paddle.

I can swim with armbands.

But I forgot my armbands.

Well, that's that, then.

At least we're all together, eh?


No, this is not happening.

I'm not dying here
within sight of where I need to be!

It's there! Right there!



Get out of my way.

Get out of my fucking way!

I... command you!

I command you!

I command you! I command you!


Please get out of my way.


Don't be there any more.

Please, just get out of the way!





That wasn't very dignified, was it?

Where's that stiff upper lip
when you need it?



Come on, let's go! Let's go!

Wait, Rhonda! Rhonda!

Good luck in there.

- What? You're not coming in?
- No.

Are you insane?
You came all this way just to give up?

We're not following you inside, right?

Actually, no.

I agree with your sister.
Rhonda, give me a hand!

What?! No, Arnie, you promised!

Scotty, you married a fighter.
Did you think I'm gonna let you die?

- No, no!
- Come on!

RHONDA: Shut up, Scotty!

SCOTTY: We killed people!



Please tell me that ain't staying.


Let's go.


OK, we're gonna get you down here,
you're gonna be fine.

Then you can rest up.

Come on. Let's go.

Here, get down here.

Hey, hey.

I'm doing this because I love you.

Maybe one day you'll forgive me.

SUTTON: Rhonda... Is that really you?

All grown up!

I'm so happy you're here.

Give your mom a hug.

A hug?

You want a hug?

Suddenly you're the touchy-feely type?

You abandoned us. You killed Dad.

You died in a plane crash.

Me and Scotty, we were five.
We had nothing.

Eight foster homes in 13 years.

Why? Because we were penniless
fucking orphans, that's why.

Oh, but apparently we weren't.

Apparently, you were alive
the whole time and really rich.

Rich enough to have servants
and whatever the hell this place is.

You don't get a hug.
No, we're not at hugs yet.

We're still at explaining and shouting!


A rock's hit the entrance. We've got
a problem. We need some help up here.

This isn't right.
This shouldn't be happening.

I'm sure there's a perfectly rational,
weather-based explanation.

Weird winds or something.

Weird winds?!

It's a miracle, Jamie!

A Charlton bloody Heston-type miracle!

PAULA: You really are the son of God!

JAMIE: Mum, can we not do this now?

My little Scotty teddy bear.

My God, all that blood. What happened?

I understand you're suspicious of me.

But there's always two sides
to every story.

Yeah, OK. But um...

I'm really a very caring person.

Yeah, the thing is, your monkey's kind
of sticking its finger in my wound.

Malcolm, don't do that. Bad boy!

Shall Mama give you some num-nums?
Hmm? Shall she?

Come along, then, follow me, little man.

Psst! Hey! Don't trust the monkey.

The monkey's pure evil.

Please, listen to me!


No! It's not shutting.

What? What's wrong?

It's jammed. It ain't budging.


Somebody drives that truck into it,
that might do it.

ALL: Yeah!

But how does the driver get back inside?

They don't, hun.

They'd be sacrificing themselves.

I'm gonna do it. I wanna do it!

No, I'm dying. I'll do it.

No! Not you!

And not you!

- You!
- Hey, come on!

I'm sorry but you're not a member
of this family.

You're an outsider,
you're gonna stay outside.

Rhonda. Rhonda, please. Stop.

I'm not letting you go.

- Why won't you fight for me?
- I am.

I am saving the woman I love.

Don't be Leanne,
don't be your mum, be you.

I can't. Not without you.

Honey, you don't know the pain I'm in.

It's only gonna get worse.

If you love me, let me go. Please.


Spike, get in here.

You have to get in now. Go on.

- Mom... Mom!
- It's time to go in.

- No, no.
- Come on.

There's no time, we have to go.
We have to.

No! No!

No, no.




No, this can't be happening!

RAJESH: Come on!

Yes! Up yours, apocalypse!

Help! I need you to help me.

Jamie, come on! Get in!

They're gonna die unless you help me.
The door doesn't lock.

If you want them to live,
you have to help me.

Go in. I'm right behind you, I promise.

I need to drive this into the door
to lock it

- but the truck won't move. See?

I can see it!
There's something wedged underneath.

Come on, move!


SUTTON: You must be with Jamie.

- Where is he?
- Shutting the door.

Oh, and you must be
my great-granddaughter.

Aren't you a peach?

You're weird.

- It's clear. That should do it.
- OK, go on. Get in there.

- What about you?
- Just go.





LAYLA: Baby, thank God!

Perfect. They're all here.

Yeah but now we have too many.

We don't have enough food and water.

Give it time.
Then we can dump the peripherals.

Are you OK? We made it!


GAINES: Hey, hey!

You son of a bitch, you left me to die!

Oi, oi, oi! Back off, face ache.

He's not Ariel, he's the son of God.

Um... I think maybe we're all
getting off on the wrong foot here.

- Oh, you think?
- Ariel's my twin.

But he's dead. Gone.

I'm Jamie. Lovely to meet you.

Well, I'm going to shoot you, Jamie,
how does that sound?

I'd rather you didn't.

And I'm sure we're all gonna
get to know each other really well.


Given how, you know,
we're stuck together.

One minute, now. One minute.

It's time.


JAMIE: Yeah, it's Judgment Day.
The actual apocalypse.

And where am I?

These pictures
coming live to us from Hubble...

Round my nan's, watching it on telly.

# So happy together

I know what you're thinking. "Cheer up,
you're one of the lucky ones."

My question is, am I?

Please! Please! Help me out of here!

I mean, have you seen the freaks
I'm stuck with?

TV: We've got live feeds here
from Times Square, from Beijing,

and Jerusalem there.

# I can't see me
loving nobody but you...

A few minutes ago, I was a dead man.

Now suddenly I've got a future.

# Baby, the skies'll be blue

# For all my life...

to brace ourselves. To say goodbye.

Thank you all for watching.
I hope we'll meet again.

# The only one for me is you

# And you for me, so happy together...


- # I can't see me lovin' nobody but you

# For all my life

# When you're with me,
baby, the skies'll be blue

# For all my life

- # Me and you...
- Mom, don't watch.

- No matter how we toss the dice
- Please, look at me, Mom.

- # It had to be
- Mom, keep looking at me.

# The only one for me is you

# And you for me, so happy together...


# Ba baa...

Open the door, please!

It's me!

I was helping you!

He hit me, took my clothes.
Open the door!

It's too late.

It's over.

But I'm Jamie! I'm the real Jamie!

He's not me!

- # Ba ba ba baa
- # Together

# Ba ba ba baa

- # So happy together
- # Ba ba ba baa

- # So happy together
- # Ba ba ba baa

# So happy together...