You Me Her (2016–…): Season 4, Episode 7 - There Will Be Shit! - full transcript

The aftermath of Izzy and Nathan's egg-cellent adventure has surprising consequences, drawing Gabriel into the sticky mess. Meanwhile, Emma and Jack confront Lala at her own game: neighborhood politics.

Behold my door, bitche...

Previously on "You Me Her"...

They bought you a
door. How, uh, romantic.

It's a beautiful, bright-orange
symbol of our love,

and clearly, you don't
get it, so shut up.

Do you have any sequel ideas for me?

I mean, you're the writer in the family.

I'd say, that's...

Word around campus is that
you're quite suddenly pansexual.

Dare you to ask out the
next human who's into you.

- Hey.
- Uh, do you want to hang out?

Fuck, I am so sorry.

I'm straight. Like, weirdly straight.

We can still be friends.

I fucked up so bad.

I wish I could just go back in time

and do what I wanted to
do in the first place.

- HOA violation?
- HOA violation?

Fuck Lala! Fuck Hawthorne Heights!

Any sober second thoughts?

Do you see any sober people around here?

... 3!

Holy shit.

Holy shit, we just egged the
holy fuck out of Lala's door.


We should run, right?

- Move your ass!
- Ooh!

Oh, my God!

- Shh!
- Who's there?

I can hear you!

I'm not afraid to use this paddle!

Wow, that was close.

Did she see you?

No, no, I don't think so.


These were good eggs thrown by bad eggs!

A lot of people will go
hungry tomorrow for breakfast!

So, how'd I do?

Did I pass?

Did you pass what?

Well, did I prove that I could...

I could do the wrong
thing when it's called for?

Uh, the only thing that you proved

is that you throw like a frail child...

that has to throw with his left hand

because his right one is in a cast.

And the child is blind.

Wow, that's it. Thank you.

- You're welcome.
- Anything else?

Hmm... nope. Okay.


Well, then.



You... dick.

Just gonna comb your hair for you.



You know, even, uh...

even with the whole test-drive thing...

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

And, uh, the just-friends handshake...

uh, I had fun.

Me, too.

I haven't said those three
words much over the past year.

And, uh... in that exact order...

um... never?



Um, maybe we both needed it.

I will... I, uh...

So, see you on the playground.

Not if I see you first, nerd.

- Ooh. Okay.
- Yeah, 'cause...

Oh! Ow!

That was my toe!

- Shh! Shh!
- What are you doing?

Hey. Shh!

Why is your hair sticky?

Is that egg?

What, did you and
Nina have an egg fight?

Oh, God, I smell egg hair.

Oh, my God, now I said "egg hair,"

and that sounds even
grosser than it smells.

What's that smell?


Good morning.


Coffee me, please.

Look... Egg Head's awake.

Ooh, you look tired, dearest.

Nathan and I worked late.

We encountered a box full of shit...


Very funny.

Of shitty confiscated booze, okay?

And then I woke up between you two.

What kept you out so late?

- What?
- You and Nathan.

Oh, just, you know, guiding kids...

- counseling them, if you will.
- Mm.

As a guidance counselor,
you both guide and counsel.

It's impressive.

Um, can I have the creamer,

- or will there be more waterboarding?
- Mm.

And more dental with "Marathon Man."

You know what I could go
for is, like, an omelet

- if we had like seven or eight eggs.
- Mm, yeah, I love eggs...

fried eggs, scrambled eggs.

Yeah. Do you have any more
on your head, by any chance?

Speaking of anything other than eggs,

if you guys are done...

No more yolks.

... I was going over the, um...

the guest list for
the anniversary party,

and I thought... I
thought since your mom

is already in town,
why don't we invite her?

No. Uh, first of all, there's no way

that Jo just happens to be here, okay?

Gabe lured her here for the sole
purpose of ruining my life, so no.

Plot foiled this time, okay?

- This guy is not falling for that shit again.
- Are you fucking kidding me?

What's that?

Sheriff Lala is fining
us for Izzy's door.

Apparently, Marigold 142
isn't an HOA-approved color.


Where does she get the balls?!

Give me that.

- Fuck this!
- Yeah, fuck that.

Fuck it!

We're not just gonna bend
over and take it from this...

Draconian She-Devil!

This is America, God damn it,

and that door represents our lives,

our family, and our freedom!

And scene. A-plus on the outrage.

I demand to be a part
of whatever revenge

you two are plotting,

but right now, in this moment, I d...

I... I do... I... I... I
have to go to work, so...

I love you. Goodbye.

I love you, too.

First, they come for my Binge Club.

- Then they come for my...
- Oh, honey, I don't think

you should reference a
poem about the Holocaust

when you're talking
about an HOA kerfuffle.

Point taken.

No, but someone's got to
stop Lala's reign of terror,

and that somebody is us. I'm serious.

Yeah, well, I didn't think
we would outsource it.

So, what's the plan?

Good, old-fashioned shoe leather.

We're gonna start a petition
for a special election.

Then we're gonna split up and canvass.

I mean, this is about
more than just a door.

This is about our right to be edgy.

"Marigold... we won't fold."

What do you think of that?

- It's not bad.
- "Marigold... we won't fold."

I've heard worse.

Note to self... drinking
confiscated booze

never, ever, ever
leads to anything good.

Unh-unh. No.

I feel like that truth
should have been self-evident,

but clearly, it was not.

Not at all.


So, about last night, as they say...


We didn't kiss, did we?

- What?
- What?

No, ew!

No, sorry! Not "ew."

Just... just, uh... just
one... just a regular no.

So, then, we didn't
really egg a house, right?

Oh, no, we... we definitely did that.

Yeah, no, we did the fuck out of that.

- Shit.
- What?

I don't know yet, but
there will be shit.

For the record, I hate humming.

Oh, come on, nobody hates humming.

Well, maybe something
bad happened to me,

and, I don't know, somebody
was humming while it happened.

Aw, that's sad.

I hum when I'm really happy,

and you make me hum.

Oh, right, you didn't brush
your teeth this morning?

Not the point I was making, but...

Hey, do you want a ride to work?

I got a crazy busy day ahead,

- but I could easily just swing by...
- No, I'm not getting out of bed.

Nice! Oh, stayed in bed 'cause you can.

I can dig that. Oh... hey. Right.

I'm gonna need a rain
check on noodle night.

Yeah, totes sad, but I
start interviews tomorrow,

and I got a whole stack of
r?sum?s to get through, so...

Well, it doesn't matter
'cause the only way

I'd be eating noodles is if
you brought them right here.

Cool, cool, cool.

Going after the big white whale,

the stuff of myth and lore...
never-get-out-of-bed day.

Well, you know where to find me...

just waiting for someone
to realize how empty

and pointless life is without me.

Yeah, you betcha.

Okay, I'll check in with you later.

Well, enjoy walking upright, barkeep,

'cause you're gonna be
crawling back soon enough.

Mwa, ha, ha, ha, ha! Mm.

Were you just talking to somebody?

What? No.

You didn't just do
an evil-villain laugh?


Just... just go.


Okay, this might take a while.


Hey, Layne.

Hi, dick.

Suck my balls, Trakarsky!

Fuck you!


Did the, uh, class president
just tell you to suck her balls?

It's all good.

Just everyone hates the homophobic
asshole who fucked over Alex,

and death could come
swiftly from any direction.


I feel like that's a
little bit of an exagg...



Oh, so, this is the
petition nobody's signing.

Uh, no, we have gotten off
to a bit of a slow start,

but, um, the tide is turning.

You know, once you...
with your signature,

that pen's gonna turn into a
sword of tolerance and freedom.

Oh, I thought it was about your door.

It is about my door.

But it's a slippery slope, right?

- Mm.
- Yeah.

You have to decide for
yourself whether you want

this power-hungry authoritarian
to start dictating our lives.

Yeah, see, I'm not really like that...

all political and speechy.

I didn't even vote last time.

Ooh, okay.

Yeah, normally, I would be very upset

by your apathy, but right now,
I just need you to sign that.

Can you just put, like, an initials...

or, like, even a smiley
face is sufficient.

I really don't want to
get sideways with Lala,

and what with Marigold 142

being the official color of swingers...

No. What? No, it's not.

Well, I mean, who's to say?

Me. I'm to say.

That's not... there's no
official color of swingers.

They did say that you were
gonna get loud and aggressive.

Who's "they"?

What do you mean by
"loud and aggressive"?

I'm gonna go now. Okay. Bye.

- "Loud and aggressive"?!
- Bye.

I haven't even... "Loud and aggressive"?

Fuck you! I am loud and aggressive.

You know what? I'm sorry.

Sorry I'm late.

Yeah, well, thank
God. I was going crazy.

Walk with me.


- Oh, that's Dave.
- Aww!

He has a gift for flashy apologies,

but there are many, many miles
between that man and "aww."

That is so... so...

You know what?

I don't even know, but whatever

'cause what I really
need is a signature.

Oh, and we're back to you.

- Okay.
- Oh, no, just... just sign it.

- May I read it first?
- Why?

Because I want to know what I'm signing!

- But it's me.
- Oh, yeah, no.

What do you mean "yeah,
no"? Are you kidding me?

Your door is stupid.

There's a reason HOAs
create approved-color lists,

and that eyesore is Exhibit A.

What happened to your rebel spirit?

What about any of this
screams "rebel" to you?

My God! Slow your roll, Norma Gay.

- I'm bi.
- Doesn't rhyme.

This isn't about being gay,
bi, poly, or trapezoidal.

This is about you not
selecting one of 42

HOA-approved colors...
colors you and I voted on

so that people wouldn't
trash the neighborhood

with stupid doors like yours.

See, that rhymes.

Izzy picked it.

I forgot about the list.

You know, you are the best

I've ever seen at whatever it is you do.

Is it drawing... buildings?

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah. Um...

But this right now...
what you're doing now,

the... the whole neighborhood thing?

You don't want to treat
this like a corporation,

like, uh, you're leaving a body count

on your ruthless climb
to the corner office.

Lala is not the enemy.

Did you know that she owns that
little hippie shop on the square

with the soap and the candles
and the groovy hemp skirts?

Oh, of course she does.


Just try not to destroy anybody, okay?

- Okay.
- Snacks are there.

Uh... I'm gonna grab my stuff.

Thank you, thank you.

- Bye, girls!
- Bye!

Have a good day!

I miss you.


There we go. Callie, you
can wipe her butt, right?

Wow, really feeling the
secondhand hate here.

Oh, hear that?

My new-girl card just
spontaneously burst into flames.

Look, I got to find Alex.
I got to talk to him.

Oh, good timing.

- Hey, man, I...
- Hey, fuck you, "man."

Who does that shit in 2019 Portland?

- Alex, I said I was sorry. I...
- Dragging me into your frat-bro scheme

to get the girl or whatever...
I mean, that's bad enough.

But egging my house...

You... you egged his house?

- When?
- Somebody egged your house?

You scared the shit out
of my mom last night,

you raging psychopath.

At least fucking own it.

Look, this is my problem.

Don't follow me, okay?


We both know you didn't egg
any houses last night, okay?

Why didn't you just say something?

Same reason you didn't.

Because I would get high-fives

and... and you wouldn't.

I'm the asshole here. I
knew you were straight.

I dared you to prove
you weren't. It's stupid.

Look, I'm not a puppet.

Yeah, but you're a teenage boy,

and it's not, like, that different.

Instead of strings, you have...

you know.

Look, I'll figure something out.

I just... I don't want you to...

"I don't give a damn
about my reputation."

- Runaways.
- Yeah.

Look, I'll fix this.

This fucking sucks...


Talk fast. I'm super busy
drinking alone in bed.

- It's 12:30.
- I'm making a point.

- That your life is really sad?
- No.

I'm on a mission to remind Shaun

that nothing matters without me.

And how's that going so far?

I'm getting worried
that I could rot here

- and no one would notice.
- Okay, back to me.

Anyway, um, remember my boss, Nathan?

- Test-drive boyfriend?
- Whatever.

Um, so, last night...

we made some...

not-so-good choices.

You fucked him?

- N...
- Whoa, you are terrible,

and I actually, uh, feel better already.

No, I didn't fuck him, okay?

We agreed that we were just friends,

but then was this, like, almost-kiss,

and I'm freaking out about it.

Whatever, it's not
about the dude, anyway.

- Explain.
- Everything you've said or done

in the past couple of weeks

screams that you are nowhere
near ready for the life

that you're literally signing up for,

so you're acting out.

You're, uh, hoping someone else

will make the decision for you.

- Still with me?
- Barely.

Just sack up and tell the Griswolds

that you don't want to
spend the rest of your life

in Hawthorne Heights

and that you do want
to have your own babies,

and maybe let, um, what's-his-penis know

that he's not the one before he says...

- I need you.
- Huh?

I got to go.


Gabriel got busted, and Principal Morgan

wants to talk to him right now.

- Why?
- Kid named Alex accused him

of egging his house over a bad date,

and there's a petition going
around calling it a hate crime

and demanding Gabriel's expulsion.



lots of that.

What's all this?

Oh, egg hair.


Uh, somebody egged your house.

Mostly the door.

So, you know Alex just
came out last summer, right?

He doesn't have the tools
to deal with any of this.

Oh, you think this is for him?

Are you sure?

'Cause Hawthorne Heights
is so progressive.

Oh, you know what they say...

hate hides everywhere...

- sometimes in your own family.
- What is that supposed to mean?

Alex went out and hung out with
a kid from school last night.

When he came home, he was pissed off,

but he didn't want to talk about it.


And obviously, I went through
his phone, saw the kid's name...


Only one of those at school.

Same last name as you.

Izzy. Izzy.

Hold up.

- Hold up!
- Why?

We can't let Gabriel take the fall.

Of course not, but...

but let's hold a beat
and think this through.

There's nothing to think about.

Hey, we're gonna lose our jobs.

Well, then I'll tell
them it was just me.

No! That's not happening.

Okay, look... you confess, I confess.

No. No.

You have way more to lose.

You sure about that?

Look, the three of you
just barely got that loan.

And if they re-verify,

you are going to lose the house.

And I'm not just gonna get fired, Iz...

No one's gonna hire me.

Why did I drag you into this?

You didn't drag me into anything.

I... I wanted to be with you.

- Izzy? Izzy! Where the hell have you been?
- W... I w... I was, um...

- We were... we were just discussing the...
- Oh, we were talking school.

Okay, I don't care.

Um, Gabriel's innocent,
and I can prove it.

- What? How?
- He was with me... all night.

He's trying to protect
me, but fuck that.

I'm nobody's damsel.
Look at the time stamp.

Egging happened around 2:00.

Yeah, and we live on the northeast side.

So, he couldn't have done it.


Okay, come with me.

That's what I said.

Dude, what the fuck?

I told you I didn't want to talk to him.

- Oh, oh, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Watch it!

Language, please.

I just got off the phone
with your grandmother, Sasha.

And she backed you up.

You two are cleared. You got this?

- Yep, thank you, Principal Morgan.
- Thanks, Principal Morgan.

I am so sorry.

Still a dick move, using you like that.

Oh, yeah, you're a massive choad,

no doubt about that, but...

- Choad?
- ... I don't know, if I were straight,

I'd probably fake gay for her, too.

Oh, my God. That is so
weird and flattering.

- I...
- Will you please be my gay best friend?

Um, I'll put you on the
waiting list, I guess.

It's like we're not even here.

Oh, get used to it.

We reverted to being lamps

and furniture once the
threat was gone, so...

Mm. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

It's just you.


Shaun hasn't realized he
can't live without you?

I think this thing backfired

and actually proved the exact opposite.


Let's get you up, walk
you around a little bit,

break up the blood clots, air you out.


So, once you're off the bed for
any other reason other than beer...

- Unh, nah.
- It's over?

No, you see, I never
lose at Bed Battles,

and lucky for jou, I'm not in the mood.

Okay? So... Ow! Ow!


Shouldn't you be fixing the
latest crisis you caused?

Oh, I already did.

I'm still riding the relief buzz.

This is me being here for you!

I'm really struggling
to see it that way!

I'm liberating you from a
prison of your own making!

Bullshit! You're just annoying
me more aggressively than usual!

- Oh! Yeah!
- No, no!

- Yes!
- No!

- No, no, no!
- Yes, yes!

What's that? What's that... sorry?

I can't hear you. What'd you say?

I'm better than you at everything,

including being smart and pretty?

Oh, my God, stop.

- You don't need to s...
- Yes!

The new Bed Battle
champion of the world... me!

You're absolutely certain
that this is you helping me?

Yeah. And here's the payoff...
you'll never be alone,

and you'll always be
needed 'cause you've got me.

Okay, stop threatening
me, and get off my bed!

Uh, this is my bed now, loser.


Uh, hard fucking lessons,
tough love, baby doll.

Stop looking at me like that!
You're gonna judge me now?

Jesus Christ.

Maybe I'm saving it for our date!

Did you think of that?


So, yeah, that's when Sasha
saved us with those selfies.

I'm so happy to have that behind us.

Nah, I wouldn't say
it's behind us just yet.

- Well, I would.
- Yeah, that's true.

Lala's door didn't egg itself.


I mean, I... I assume it's a
kid, right, because honestly,

what adult would do something
so idiotic and immature?

- Right.
- Mm-hmm.

Certainly not someone in
this neighborhood, right?

Oh, no.

Talk about shitting where you sleep.

- It's vexing, isn't it?
- Mm-hmm.

I know. We'll probably never know.

It's a mystery for the ages.

- Theories will abound.
- Mm.

Podcasts will be produced, probably.

Well, I wonder who that could be.

I don't know, honey. Let's find out.

Why are you guys being weird?

Oh, Iz!

It's Lala, and she brought a movie.

Okay. What kind of movie?

A mash-up of my two favorite genres...

true crime and found footage...

from my neighbor's security camera.

I'll get the popcorn.

- Synced and corrected by chamallow -