You Me Her (2016–…): Season 4, Episode 10 - Who We Are... And Who We Aren't - full transcript

Everybody in EJI World prepares for the anniversary party, counting down the moments until they sign papers to legally bind them together as a family...unless someone or something changes their minds.

Previously on "You Me Her"...

- Mom?
- Jack.

I want to tell you how your father died.

- Got into a car wreck.
- You were...

about 10 months old
when the affair started.

I let you keep on loving him.

But then I couldn't
help hating you for it.

I'm also very fond of you, and
I want you to be my girlfriend.

"You will always hold the key."

You make me better, Neen.

I'm nothing without you.

Now, listen, I got to
be back at the airport

in 10 hours and 37
minutes, which, as you know,

is 10 hours and 27
minutes more than I need.

It took me four days

to realize I was
in love with you.

He's going to California.

What is he, in love
with you or something?

Why would you say that? No.

I saw on your computer

that you were
researching tri-custody.

Well, that's what you
want, isn't it, babe?

I need to know that this
will never happen again, okay?

We're about to have twins.
We don't need a third child.

Well, you've made that pretty
damn clear, haven't you, Em?

I think that this
commitment party

has become like a, um...

Like a deadline.


Here we go.





- David.
- Yes, yes.

So, you coming or going?

Oh, just, um...
actually had to take care

of a little bid'ness,
if you know what I mean.

- You know that I do!

Oh, God. Really, David?!

Okay, well, you know,
have a nice trip.

I'll... I'll see you
on the other side.

Uh, that's...

Bye. I love you, too.

Figured I'd get a
kiss goodbye or some...

- I'll be back soon.
- Yeah.

So, tonight's the big night,

You gonna lock it all
in, sign it with blood?

Well, hopefully, ink.

Yeah. Yeah.

- Are you coming?
- I can't.

I got... I got my
thing in Eugene tonight.

Mm. I bet you do.

- Okay.
- That was too easy.

Later, I got a...
another one in Florence.

Ohh! Dave, you bisexual slut.

See, this is great. We should
never break this act up.

- I miss this.
- I know. Me, too.

- God.
- So, how'd you sell Izzy on Hawthorne Heights?

Did you hypnotize her
or silent treatment?

That always works in my family.

I just told her, you
know, it's good for now.

Doesn't have to be forever.

Yeah, but it is
forever, right? I mean...

look, Jack, don't toy
with my emotions here.

I mean, probably.


Okay. I gotta go.

I'll see ya.


Hey, that's a lot of threads
you three are weaving together.

You better be sure,
for all three of you.

We're sure.

No doubt.


- I love them.
- Fuck.

- Jesus.
- What the hell?

Well, I just about
waterboarded myself

with hot tea. Ow.

I thought... I thought
you guys knew I was here.

Oh, my God. 180 over 205.

- Is that good?
- I don't know.

Maybe it's 205 over 180.

Look at them.
They're, like... people.

4D Ultrasound.

Shit gets real.

They love you back.

Huh? You said you love them.

They love you back.



I have to pee.

Uh, outside?

Hey. What are you doing up?


Well, I'm losing my shit.

Were you asleep?

Mm, no.

Shaun has the
bladder of a 90-year-old.

I had to get up with him to
pee twice during the night.

Why? Do you, like,
hold it for him?

Um, no.

We had a bit of a...

- handcuff mishap.

Of course you did.

Mm. So, what's got
you freaking this time?

So... they're real.

Jack and Emma? What, you
mean, like, genuine? Authentic?

No. The babies.

I'm talking about the babies.

- Oh.

What's happening?

Mm, Izzy just figured out

- that Emma has
children in her tummy.

Okay. Don't explain that, please.

Hello? Okay, so,
I saw them.

Like, I really saw them

on this 4D sonogram thing.

And... and it's just...
It's, like, happening.

I'm gonna give you some
tough love now, okay?


You didn't literally
run to me this time,

but you're still dumping your
biggest, heaviest feelings

on me instead of them.

Also, uh,
the locksmith just texted,

- and he's on his way up, so...
- Right, right.

But here's the thing.

I'm not gonna be their
nanny or their cool aunt

or their "mamacita,"
whatever the fuck that means.

I'm gonna be their mother.

Like... like,
they're gonna love me

like they love Jack and Emma.

Hello? Nina.

You did not hang up on me.

- I need you.
- You're right, Iz.

Everything you
just said is true, and...


... it's gonna kill me, but...

now I'm hanging up on you.

No, no. No...


- You okay?
- You know, it's your house, too.

You don't really have
to go outside to pee.

Yeah, I mean, unless you want to.

Oh, no, no. I... I
wasn't actually peeing.

- Oh.
- No!

So... um...

I think I might be
freaking out a little bit.

- About the party?
- No.

About the babies being real.

- Same.
- Me, too.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I don't understand how
everyone's just standing around

watching this slow-motion
atrocity happen to us...

I mean, giving
us full responsibility

- for two perfectly good lives?
- Thank you.

Feels like someone should step
in and make a citizen's arrest.

Okay, so, this
unscheduled breakdown

is not a unicorn mom thing?

It is an every-parent-ever thing.

Look at this. This one here...

This girl is kind of
the droll, sarcastic one

that's above it all.

So I'm thinking of naming
her Sarah Silverman.

- Well, I already
locked in on Silverman

- as a middle name, so...
- Well, duh.

It's lovely.

Yeah. This is the dumb,
happy one...

- Aww.
- ... that everyone thinks

is oblivious to the
world's problems,

but she's actually
cracked the code.

Winning at life.



Okay. Done and done.

Sarah Silverman and Butterfly.

I can't believe
people sweat this stuff.

Wha-a-t? That's so weird.

Okay, Gabe is coming over here

and taking me to brunch.
We do that?

Carmen booked us couple massages.

We definitely don't do that.

- Hmm.
- Why you looking at me?

Oh, because I arranged to
have you guys out of the house

so you could never say you had
anything to do with my amazing party?

That's why you're looking at me?

- My posse.

- Posse!
- Hey!

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Come in.
- Hello!

Hello, hello!

So, she cheats with my husband,

then I fall in love with her.

Yeah. Then she eggs
the neighbor's house

and somehow ends up with
more friends than we do.

Okay. So, here's
what I'm thinking.

- Do you have any papier-mâché?
- Of course I do.

Oh, hold my shit.


Let's go.

A day spa...

- with a nursery.

I will never get back all
the years of not knowing this.

Live in the now.

Oh, and also, shut up.

We had so much sex.

Didn't we discuss this?

There's nothing grosser
than bragging about sex

with your spouse of
more than five years.

You're right.
I totally know better.

It was like porn
without a camera.

That's it. I'm done.

Just except to say we won at sex.


Okay. Quiet time.


Seriously? What, you're the one
bringing a phone into a massage?

What kind of "Freaky
Friday" shit is this?

Jesus, chill out.

Go to a spa or something.

Dave and I always call each
other right before takeoff.


Now, don't move.
I'm gonna slowly get up

and kill you.

Okay, I'll stay very still.

This is weird.


This is Carmen.

- Really?
- Shh!

- Really?
- Shh!


Oh, my God. It's all true.

Whoever it is ain't playing.

- Jesus.
- They made a mistake!

I'm nominated!

For what? Worst spa guest ever?

Best Wine Review!

In Portland.
In a monthly publication.

Just reds. Whites are
a different category.


I'm nominated! Yeah!

- Oh, my God! She's naked!

Come on. You've seen worse.

That is awesome.

Yoo-hoo. Break's over.

Let's do this thing.

Oh, that's nice.

Oh, look, it's the wacky
sidekick and her wacky sidekick.

Oh, hey, standard-issue
droll gay neighbor.

- Where's the boss?
- How can I help?

Oh, no, I, uh...
I mean the hostess?

She answers to Izzy.
She's got curly hair.

She's, like,
62.9% as pretty as me.

That's a good question.

- Isabelle?
- Izzy?

Is she in the bathroom?

Son of a bitch.

We just got Tom Sawyer-ed,


The fence-painting scene.

That's a good one.

I'm sure you'll be good
at lifting heavy things.


Thanks for coming.

- I helped.
- Wow, you're really strong.

- Mm-hmm.
- That must have been exhausting.

Would you like to take a seat?

I would. Thanks.

I... I think I will
take this chair.

- Mm, yes.
- Yes.

- Very comfortable.
- Mm-hmm.

- Cozy.
- State-of-the-art.

We can do better.


I'm sorry, Iz.

Me, too.

You're really doing it.

Going to the border,
helping all those kids.

It's amazing.


Yeah, I really am.

I always said I would do
something like that after college.

You'll get around to it.


you could just come with me.

- Stop.
- Not like that.

I'm serious, Izzy.

Look, I mistook compatibility
and companionship for love.

I don't know, you know?

Maybe I'm finally ready.

I hope so.

Probably not.

I hope so.


You know, it would have
been an excellent friendship,

you and me.


Well, on, uh... on that note, um,

Seb doesn't like advice.

- Yeah. Me, either.
- So, um...


Nobody knows the way

See you later.

Not if I see you first, nerd.

- Good luck.
- Thank you.

- You, too.
- Thanks.

We are poets and prophets

Defending what we know

We are pilgrims and pirates

♪ Sailing from our homes ♪

But nobody knows the way


We just watch the seasons change

And wait for the storm to break

So, how long did you know?

And the land to come

You know, Dad would say
he was going one place,

and then his plane ticket
would say something else.

The weird messages
on his office phone.

And then one time,
there was, uh...

there was perfume on the...

on his clothes in his suitcase,
and that's when I knew.

You should have told me.

Once shit got real,
you should have told me.

No, I know, and I almost did.


The fight. You know,
you and Mom, the big one.

When she called me a faggot?

Yeah, right after you
called her a cunt.

What? No, I didn't.

Did I?

Yeah, you did. You just said the
worst thing you could think of,

and then so did she.

Remember when you were a kid,
you wrote that little essay?

It was an essay about,
like, your greatest influence

or your hero or whatever,
and you chose Dad?

Which made sense.

And then it won that contest,

and it got printed
in our local paper.

- Remember that?
- Yeah.

Mom had to hear
about that so much.

You know how hard she took that?

I spent my life idolizing
an adulterous asshole.

I don't know. Sometimes
I think about that a lot...

what he did, what happened,

I don't know, 12 years, it's...

It's not really an affair, is it?

I guess he fell in love.


I'm not sure that makes
it any better, but...

it's different, right?


You think he would have come back

and lived in the same town as us?


Yeah, I know it.

Thank you.

All my life,
I've been wanting to know

If it's dangerous out there

I've got big bottles and little bottles.

- Big bottles.
- Oh, I like a big bottle!

- There's only three big bottles.
- We can share.

Now, do you want me to put
all the big bottles out?

Okay, people!

Do you want me to put the
little bottles in the fridge?

- Um, let's keep them out, too.

- You want them all out?
- Yeah.

The whole place is gonna
be covered in bottles.

Why not? Okay. I won't.

Okay, people. I said,
"Okay, people."

- I'm loving this lid. That's...
- Hey!

- Oh, hi!
- Hi!

- Hey.
- Hi.

So, gather round.

Done, I guess.

I just... I would love
a status check, you know,

make sure we're all rowing
in the same direction.

Um, couple quick things.

Uh, blue... Whose idea was that?

So, you ghosted,

but now you're
back and feeling bossy.

That's fun. What a fun twist.

Right? Hey, walk with me.

- Let's talk about your plan.
- Okay, yeah, that's a great idea.

'Cause you're kind of,
like, my lieutenant, right?

- Sure.
- Yeah.

So, we have some autumn garland.

I have concerns.


What garland?

I don't know.

Maybe it's a little too subtle.

Okay, I would like to talk about
the plan, though, because...

- Nice one!
- I'll take that.

Lala, I don't... I
don't see any garland.

Uh, whoopsies.

You locked me out.


- I can see you.


Let me in!


Yes. The inmates are in
there running the asylum.

What, did they lock you out?

- It's not funny.
- It's a little funny.

What, just give me the keys,

I didn't bring my keys.


Ooh. Please tell me
you have the keys.

It went great, actually.
Thanks for asking.

Oh, I'm sorry. Are you guys okay?

I think we're more okay
than we've ever been.

Mm. You're welcome.

Mm. Why are we standing
out here on the porch?

- Oh, yeah.
- They locked her out.

She's the boss,
the overbearing one now.

I'm the one who binge-watches
sappy network dramas

and gets couple massages
with her best neighbor friend.

Life, man.

Yes! No, no, no, hey, look.

- Hold on.
- What?

- You like it out here?
- I like it just the three of us.

And once we go in there,
it's not over

till the last cork is popped.

All right. Who's with me?

- Always.
- Oh, yeah.

Drinking time.

Come, come.

- I'll watch.
- Where should we go?

Uh, I know a place.

Hunted by desire

Wanna live, so alive

Endless sky to admire

What's together never dies

Fallen into place

While we levitate, it's true

To feel it in my blood love,
head rush

- Aah!

Never comes back

Blood love

Still runs

Never goes black


Who's that?


You ready for this?

Oh, which "this" are
you referring to?

Because there's a pack of them,
and I think they're breeding.

I'm sorry.

Shaun. Mrs. Shaun.

- Hey.
- No, no, no, no.

That has been settled.

The queen is back on
her throne, bitches.

Yeah, well, thanks to me.


Your Highness? Do you want...

- Just go. Go.
- I'm gonna...

You guys enjoying yourselves?

Yeah, you bet.

Great party.

- It's great.
- Thanks.

Gabe tells me you can't remember

the last time
I said "I love you."

I mean, talk is cheap, right?


I love you, Jackson Trakarsky.

Let the record
show it was just now.

Jesus, Jackson,

don't be a pussy about it.

I love you, too, Mom.


just a sec.


What are you doing here?

Just... can we,
uh... can we talk?

In private.

Uh, it won't take long.

It's not up to us.

I'll just be a second.



- Will you slow the fuck down?
- What the hell do you think

you're doing, showing up
like this, making it seem like

we're wrapped up in
some big, stupid romance?

Hold on. I...
I didn't come here...

What the hell am I
supposed to say to them

when I go back in there, huh?

How am I supposed
to make them believe

- that we never fucking did anything?
- I didn't... I...

I didn't come here to
sweep you off your feet.

I came here as your friend,

because I don't
take that role lightly.

But I do want you to
leave with me right now.


I spoke to the IRC
supervisor down in Otay Mesa,

and I told her about you, and
she said to bring you along,

that she would interview
you right on the spot.

So, we're just gonna
make a run for the border

when I'm supposed to
be signing the papers?

They could lose the house,

You seriously think that I'm
just gonna leave with you?

- What?

Right before you're "supposed
to" sign the papers, Iz.

Oh, my God. Really?
You know what? Fuck you, Nathan.

Do you think this
is what friends do?

Because my real fr...
my best friend

is in there supporting me.

Well, friends don't let friends

do monumentally stupid shit,

Nina's letting you down.

You are un-fucking-believable.

Get off my property. Now.

- What?


Iz, you can sign
a million contracts,

and this will always be the
home of Jack and Emma Trakarsky.

You can tattoo your
name on those twins,

and they will always be the
children of Jack and Emma...



God damn it!

Izzy, I'm sorry.

You're not my fucking friend.

I find it strange, find it strange

That you're wondering in this place

But the more it stays the same

Which one of us will look away?

Say the words that we don't say?

Have I been taken by
you one more ti-i-i-me?

My, my

I love you guys so much.

- We love you, too.
- EMMA: We love you.


Have I

But, um...

I can't do this.

I know that we don't see it the same

There's just nothing
left for me here

Loving is a perilous game

So I run

Oh, I run

- Synced and corrected by chamallow -