You Me Her (2016–…): Season 4, Episode 1 - Triangular Peg, Meet Round Hole - full transcript

Last season on "You Me Her"...

It's really happening.

It is our two-month anniversary.

The things I'm gonna do
to you when we get home...

Uh, so, this is a bit awkward, but

you postponed the last
two scheduled signings,

and I just want to make sure
that we're still on for Monday.

Yep. Tell Kylie and pop some corks.

Are you sure that you
left for the right reasons?

And you're still getting divorced Monday

- and driving back to Seattle?
- Yes.

I texted Emma that Jack and I
would be out of the loft all day

so she could come deal with all
the shit that we've been storing.

Did Izzy not know you'd be here?

Of course she knew I'd be here.

I think she wants us to scream

and throws things at each other.

What the fuck?

What the three of us
did here was special.

I told you, Izzy, this was a mistake.

If you walk out that door, don't call.

You are dead to me.

Well, congratulations. You're pregnant.

You have got to be fucking kidding me.

You have a right to know.

Why is she here again?

She was at a meeting.

So why is my Spidey sense screaming

that something weird's going down?

What the fuck are you doing here?

Yellow roses, the
official flower of apology.

Em, what really matters
is, what do you want?

I want this baby.

And I want my husband. And Izzy.

- ... glad that you'll be...
- Iz!

- What?!
- I'm pregnant.

And I'm keeping it.

I'm aware of how acutely
fucked up this must seem.

And seven months ago, I
would've thought the same thing.

She is never gonna feel permanent

in your world with your kid.

Actually, that's exactly what we
were discussing on the way home.

We wanna make it official.

Wouldn't be my first
Poly Commitment Ceremony.

If any one of us tries to leave again,

there's no coming back.

I hereby now pronounce
you spiritually, soulfully,

and lovingly committed to
one another forever and ever.


Ah. Oh.

Dear God, why is it so bright?

It's called morning.

Happens almost every day here
in lovely Hawthorne Heights.

What do you say we, uh,
break this little sex slump

before the nausea kicks in?

- Okay.
- Mm, too late.


Just, um, start without me!


So, our pregnant wife
just told us to have sex

while listening to her barf.

I've never been so aroused.

Come closer and bring your penis.

- Coffee?
- Yeah.

You look nice.

Thank you.

Ooh. Watch out for these.

- That's a household calamity waiting to happen.
- My boots?

- How the hell did those get there?
- I don't know.

You think maybe, like, a burglar came in

and tried on your boots and
then used your toothbrush?

It's the only thing I can think of.

Very funny. Should we change the locks?

Poor baby maker.

I'll get you tea.

Okay, I am officially the
anchor in this relationship.

Just, you know, cut me loose.

I won't be bitter.

That's nonsense, honey. You
are the wind and the sails.

God, at least soothe me credibly.

- That was pretty good.
- Hey, you know,

there's more to life
than sex, weed, and booze.

No way.

I know. It sounded very
strange to me, too, but...

exhibit "A." Iz, that's really sweet,

but you must be so bored.

I mean, good thing you work downtown

so you can grab a drink
with Shaun and Nina, right?

Yeah. Totally.

Besides, traffic is a real bitch

when I get off my shift at
Directions, so it works out.

- Yeah.
- Mm.

And sometimes it stays bitchy

till, what, like, 2:07,
3:00 in the morning,

- depending on the night?
- Yeah.

Wait a minute. So you're saying
that a burglar didn't come in

and use her boots and her toothbrush?

So, have you guys just been getting
your jollies off at my expense?

Hey, babe, seriously,
just do your thing.

Actually, we all need to do our things.


We're talking about masturbation, right?

Uh, I've been doing some research,

and it is becoming glaringly obvious

that we're doing poly, like, all wrong.

Did you know that trying
to do everything in threes,

especially sex, is a poly foul?

That's very clever. Thank you.

But please don't ever do it again.

So this mean you guys are cool

with me meeting Nathan
Malik for happy hour?

- Nathan from Hawthorne School?
- Yeah.

He went through a nasty divorce,

and I figured I could
give him some support.

Plus, Dave's not around.

He's on his stupid book tour, so...

Yeah, I guess you don't really
have that many guy friends, huh?

- Yes, I do.
- Who?

- Uh, guy friends?
- Mm.

- Dave.
- Yeah, you have Dave.

- He's a good friend.
- Yeah.

Yeah, but didn't he just,
like, come along with Carmen?

Like, buy this now and get this
furry little rascal for free?

And G... Gabe.

Well, he's... he's your brother,

- so that's different.
- And a friend. Very good friend.

Now there's Nathan.

Um, so, the baby doc
appointment is Tuesday, right?

Yeah, the ninth.

- What, the ninth?
- Yeah.

- T... today is the ninth.
- Shit.

Yeah, how is it Tuesday already?

- We got to get going, guys. Come on.
- Yeah.

It's Helen Wilberg.

Hello, Helen.

No, we're s... We're definitely
still interested, so...

Okay. Well, thank you for the heads-up.

We... We will. Great.


- That is not optimal.
- What?

Somebody put a full-price
offer on this house.

She's gonna do us a landlord solid

and give us 72 hours to match it.

Looks like the Hawthorne
Heights decision window

- just got a whole lot smaller.
- Mm.


Could this morning
be any more stressful?


Ooh, don't say that.

Guys, that's not a thing.

I didn't just "hex" us.

- I'm having what?!
- Calm down.

They're twins, normal human girls,

not aliens or devil children.

You said you wanted two kids, right?

So you knocked 'em out with one swing.

Yeah, I did.

A month ago, there was just one.

Check again. Check again!

Little sister was hiding.

Give her the weird ancestor name.

Vengeance is yours.


Oh, God.

Are you okay?

Oh, I mean, come on.

I'm sorry. It's just...

I mean, God damn it.

There's too much estrogen
in this room, I guess.

I know feelings are hard.

So would it help to
clumsily explain things

that we already know in this room?

No. It's unbelievable.

You know that fetuses require estrogen?

To grow. Whether they're male or female.

In fact, twins require
not two times as much,

but three times as much.

Thanks, Jack.


There it is.

Carm, you know I'd
love to watch the girls,

- but, um, the doc said I have bed rest.
- "Bed rest"?

I didn't hear her say "bed rest."

Ooh, you better sharpen up
your lying skills there, Em.

It's a vital part of parenting.

- My God, you're having twins!
- Yeah, I heard.

Hey, you know what's a perfect
training for raising two girls?

Two girls.

Carm, I seriously wanna help, I do,

but if I want to nail
this interview tonight,

I gotta prep like crazy, and, you know,

you are the one who said,

"Can't work at home with kids," so...

Wait, you're still doing that
after what the doctor said?

Remember? With your history
and your advanced ag...

Based mostly on your history,

we need to be careful, right?

Carmen, would you like a coffee?

- I would love one.
- Great.

But let's just take a
beat to get real, okay?

Because, right now, we wouldn't
qualify for a bicycle loan.

And you know what's more
expensive than one kid?

- Let me guess: Two kids?
- Yeah.

So unless Mr. Academia or Ms. Nonprofit

have any other ideas...

Uh, hey, sorry.

Did I black out and we voted
to buy this place and...

Poly foul. No voting.

Reinforces couples privilege.

- She does that now?
- She does.

It's super fun.

Poly foul!

Oh, you see? They listen.

They're good sounding boards.

So, Em, did we decide to buy
this place and I missed it?

What happened to, um, you know

"It's good for now.

Buys us time to see
if you really hate it

or really, really hate it here."

Is that... Is that me or him?

- I can't tell.
- Yeah, it's a terrible impression.

- Oh, it's...
- You got to work on your skills.

It's EmJack. It's a composite.

Okay, well, listen,

we'll talk Hawthorne Heights
pros and cons tonight, okay?

- That sounds like so much fun.
- Yeah.

You should come, Carm.

- Mnh-mnh.
- Bye, babe.

Will you at least take a nap?


Not tired.

Well, I'm just gonna
put this in a travel mug

'cause I need the caffeine
on my way to work, and...

Okay, Carm, I can't take the guilt.

Just please sedate them

and tell them not to shit
or talk till you get back.

Nah, I'll exploit an intern.

But you damn well better knock
it out of the park tonight.

Oh. Come here.

Oh, my God, tell me something

so I feel a little less crazy.

Hmm. Well, work has been
insane, I'm still waiting to hear

about The Portland
Byline Award nomination,

which I damn well better get
because it's a circle jerk

with a million
hyper-specific categories,

and so everybody, including
the plumber, gets a nomination,

and, oh...

and I hate my husband.
Do you wanna know why?

Because it took him like two minutes

to sell a socially
significant children's book

while already basking in
sexist and hyperbolic acclaim

for tending to his own children?

Or for selling said book

when you're the writer in the family,

then going on a cushy West Coast tour

while you slowly spiral into madness?

What kind of witch are you?

The kind who's a really good listener

and loves your scrambled eggs

with smoked salmon and cream cheese?

Pwease, will you make you some?

Did you just try to baby
talk me into cooking for you?

Did it wook?

If you weren't pregnant...

Marry me!

Stop proposing to
everybody who's nice to you.

You're not wrong.

Sorry. One more time.

Oh, man, and this... this happened

right after you found
out you have three days

to decide on Hawthorne Heights?

Okay, give me the picture,

or else it's a double titty twister.

No. Whatever. You're never gonna
find my nipples in this bra.

Anyway, I've got a session.

You wrecked it.

Wow. "I've got a session."

I never thought I'd
actually be saying that

as the therapist and not the patient.


Are you okay?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I'm good.

Definitely no mirror behind the bar.

- Well, you're the boss, boss.
- Yeah.

This is that place where you come

to get away from that shit, you know?

They leave their insecurities,
their hang-ups at the door.

No mirrors in the bathrooms, either.

- What?
- Can I get an amen, people?

- No.
- Mm, no mirrors means your demo

is uggos hiding from
their own reflections,

and even uggos don't
wanna look at other uggos,

so assuming you wanna stay
open for more than five minutes?

There will be mirrors, ma babe.

There'll be mirrors, ma babe.

Aww. After the insensitive word
salad, you called him "ma babe."

- I did.
- Hi.

- Mm!
- This guy, eh?

Entrepreneurship's brought out his BDE.

- Dad, don't.
- His Big...

- Don't say that.
- Big Dorky Energy.

That's not what it stands for.

Mm, this guy could have
a whole bouquet of dicks,

and he'd still be my slave, so...


- Later, bitches.
- Okay.

C'mon, puppy. You're driving me.

- Don't fall for that.
- No.

If you start falling for that now,

- you're never gonna get out of it.
- Dude, dude, dude! Do...

And you're gonna be
driving her for years.


Suck it, Silvas!

Okay, th... that is disturbing.

- You get used to it.
- I need a coffee.

So, what's the 411, kiddo?

You seem distracted.

Directions put me on
part time... budget cuts.

And now, with two kids on the way

and Emma still looking
for a job, it's...


Tell me.

I get it.

It makes perfect sense
to buy the Wilberg house

and raise the girls there.


it kind of feels like we're
just circling back around

to living their life instead of mine.

- Right?
- What's the alternative?

Some weird, woodsy poly-commune?


Dragging them off to another suburb

just to prove that you can?

You know, I miss you
walking on eggshells,

- trying to win me over.
- Iz.

It's not just their house.

That's their home, right?

With their best friends
living across the street

and their two little girls.

They built a good life there,

where everybody knows your name.

What's happening?



No. Right. Okay.

Answer me this:

Are you still in love with them?

More than ever.

Then you need to figure a
way to love their life, too.


Are you trying to
mike-drop me right now?


So amazing.

Um... hold on.

I'm just looking for a pen.

God, I buy twenty, and they disappear.

I think we have a ghost.

Or there's nothing supernatural afoot,

and I just have a weird habit
of storing pens all over my body.

Hello? You still there?


I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, guys.


Good morning, darling.

- Busy day at work?
- Well...

You look a little, uh...


That's the word I was
gonna say... "gorgeous."

I look a little gorgeous.

- Yeah.
- Thanks?

- Oh.
- Um, you try, you know...

Honey, they got me this French press.

It's great. It is, like, some
of the best coffee I ever had.

And check this out, huh? Look.

Can you see this? Can you see that?

That's a... That's a...
an Edible Arrangement.

Looks like a little pineapple
in the shape of flowers.

You ever seen that?

I'm gonna go crazy on that thing.

Uh, why fruit?

Did you tell them that
travel constipates you?

You don't have to tell
everybody everything, David.

Hey, are you mad at me?
I feel like I'm sensing

- that you're a little...
- Mad? Why would I be mad?

- I... I should be proud.
- Should be proud.

So you're saying you're not...

- you're not proud of me?
- Uh, so, where are you now? Like, what city?

Uh, I am in...

Oh, boy, I can't even keep track.

Oh, Sacramento.

Jesus. Man, I'm like a rock star,

just moving around the country.

"Good morning, Sacramento!"


What else is going on?
Where are the girls?

Uh, I locked them in a supply closet.

Oh, good, good. That's good.

Closet's good. There's
a lot of space, probably.

- _
- It's big. There's a window.

Oh, perfect. That's all they need.

- _
- They're like plants.

- _
- I miss you.

- _
- Um, it's been great.

Tell you, it's a little
stressful, though,

'cause they keep asking about
Books Two and Three, you know?

I keep trying to give off
the impression that I'm, like,

this genius full of ideas, but
I'm mysterious and enigmatic.

J.D. Salinger.

Don't know how long I can pull that off.

I mean, I came up with
the first book idea

when I was watching
a "Fluppies" marathon,

hammered on rosé.

- So maybe I should re-create that whole type of magic.
- Ha ha ha ha!

That's a funny story, babe.

Is it breaking up on your end, too?

Uh, no. You're coming in perfectly.

Free... zing.

Can't... hear... boop...

- Uh...
- Honey, you're... you're clearly faking.

I just saw Scotty wave at me.

Hello, Amy.


I sound like I'm gonna wash her
liver down with a good Chianti.

Oh, sweet Jesus.

Babe, where to start?

Oh, my God.

Is it the flannel or
the jacket or the boots?

Yes, yes, yes, yes, and hard yes.

You were Nathan's mentor, okay?

That dynamic never really changes.

What about you? You nervous?

Ain't no thing.

Just need to correctly
pronounce French menu items

while trying to decide whether
I let her know I'm pregnant

or let her think it's a bière bell-ey.

- Mm, when you go all French.
- Yeah?

- Yeah.
- Yay!

You're open for business again?

Wow. We will talk about that later.

I'm open for selfless service
to relax me before my interview.

Uh, pass, but I have a gift.

- Aww.
- It's symbolic.

Pumpkin spice. The official
shit candle of Hawthorne Heights.

- Oh, that's the good stuff.
- Starting to get

the human feces pumpkin
spice connection.

- Pregnancy.
- Okay.

Over the next few days,

I'm going to sincerely
try to shed my prejudices

and love the 'burbs.

- Like, totally buy the T-shirt.
- Mm, there really is a...

I'm not gonna buy the
T-shirt, Jack, but, um,

I'm gonna get a real
job with a real salary

so I can help us get
the loan for the house.

- Isabelle Silva, you are...
- Wait, wait, wait.

There's more. Sit.

Drum roll, please!

Okay. Stop.

There's a gas leak, and I'm
the only one with a mask.

Okay, here it is:

It is almost the one-year anniversary

of the day I showed up at
your front door like a weirdo,

so I'm planning my first
bougie suburban blowout!

Ha! A night to forget,

assuming I get properly wasted,

which I can pretty much guarantee.

Come here.

What's got you all frisky?

- You, making an effort.
- I am.

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah,
when I want some,

I clean the kitchen.

- Oh, really?
- Oh, yeah.

- So hot.
- Is it?

So sexy.

Let's relax before your interview.


Mm. Mm.

- I can't. Seriously, I can't.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I have to leave in like 10 minutes.

I know that sounds like the
dog ate my libido, but...

- No, no, it's fine.
- Yeah, we're good.

- Whenever you're ready.
- No.

No, I am gonna walk out that door,

and you two are gonna do the nasty.

But, seriously, get weird

because only having sex
in threes is a poly foul!

She's still doing that.

It was never gonna
happen, but then she did...

Yeah, she totally ruined it
with that hand-gesture thing.

- Later.
- Yeah.

So, going out with one
of my many male friends.

Gonna have some beezos with ma brah.

Oh, hey, um, P.S... No one says that.

So just... just don't.

Also, if you plan on having
sex with me ever again,

you need to take off
these clothes... now.

- What's wrong with this?
- _

I care. I care.

Well, turns out there
really is a Pinot Grigio bar

that serves nothing but Pinot Grigio.

I did not know that.

Um, I mean, it is called "Grigio."

Yeah, I just thought it was Mexican.

You know, um, I was...

I was drunk most of the
summer after Jess left

and then gave up all booze except white

because what man really
wants to binge white wine?

Yeah, or drink it at all.

Uh, I'm just messing with you.

- That's it.
- All right, man.

You know, divorce laid me out, man.

Um, but now I'm getting my act together,

really taking the wheel.

That was one of the books I read.

"Take the Wheel!!!"


Do you have to yell it?

Well, it's got three
exclamation points, so...

- Makes sense.
- Yeah.

Anything else you had to give up?

Uh, yeah, actually.

Uh, uh, red meat,
then meat of every hue.

Uh, carbs, sugar, weed, television.

Replaced that all with gallons of water,

at least an hour of cardio a day,

meditation, deep breathing...

Jesus. So much self-flagellation.

You know, um, I got nuked.

And, uh, it was the opposite of mutual.

So I won't be offended

if you find someone
else for ManFest 2019.

You know, my dad was
a man among men, right?

He just really knew how to hang. He...

Whenever his posse came over

for a basketball game
or something, he was...

You could just tell he was the top dawg.

You know, like everywhere he was

was the center of the room.

That's, uh... great?

I'm sorry.

I've just been thinking
a lot about my dad lately

since I'm about to be one.

- Right. Yeah.
- Mm.

Maybe we can help each other.

Okay, yeah.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

To manhood.


Ah-ha, the burn! Mm!

That's some wicked fucking
Greezhe right there.

Yeah, you're, uh,
ahem, not supposed to...

You know what's even better
than a white-wine bar?

- Hmm?
- Absolutely everything.


But especially a bar
that hasn't opened yet.


Yeah, I know a place.

I think one of my wives is there.

Wait. What?

Emma, your qualifications
are impeccable.

Your references gave glowing reports,

with the exception of Dani Monro,

who called you a traitorous pervert,

but she says that about everybody.

Your portfolio speaks for itself.

However, I am left wondering one thing.

How I managed to kick this much
professional butt in 27 short years?

S... sorry. I, um... I got
a little over my skis there.

Um, I'm really nervous.

- Sure.
- I'm not really 27.

Gasp. Astonishment.

What? No way.

So, just tell me about
your work-life balance.

Come on, Amy. I get it. I get it.

You're hesitant to hire
anyone who's in the family way

for such a high-level position.

You know, can't risk me
bailing six months in.

But, um, well, once I have the girls...

- What's that?
- Huh?

You said "girls." Plural.

Shit. Uh...

I'm having twins.


Yeah, but Jack and Izzy...

Wait. Izzy? You already have a kid?


Sorry. I just realized
that this interview

is gonna go a whole lot
better if I just stop talking.

Wait a second.

You're not at home,
alphabetizing the spice rack?

You're here with Shaun and Nina?

- Hey, babe.
- What a surprise.

- What are you doing here?
- Hey.

- Hey. Mmmm!
- Nice T-shirts, hoss.

Going for the whole

- in- "Juno" look?

No, this is actually...
the T-shirt-on-T-shirt look

is back in vogue, I'll have you know.

- Mnh.
- You shoulda seen what he was gonna wear.

It was... It was very bad.

So, is this... this is your new brah?

Yeah. This is one of my
many male friends, Nathan.

Nathan, Izzy.

- Hello.
- Hi. Hey.

Your hubby hired me as a counselor

at The Hawthorne School,

and, uh, now I'm doing his
job better than he ever did.

- Mmmm!
- Ooh!

Ooh! Super impressive.

Oh, by the way, um, Carlton
from "Fresh Prince" called,

and he wants his sweet
pink sweater back.

Oh, well, I mean, it... it's not pink.

It's... It's Sunset Rose,

- and it was actually very expensive, so...
- Don't even bother.

You'll just make it
worse with her, right?

- Yeah.
- Yep.

Izzy is also a shrink.

- She works with troubled teens at Directions.
- Oh.

Well, barely, since the
budget cuts, but, yes, I am.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

And, I mean, if you weren't
currently doing drugs,

I would ask if you were interested

in the fulfilling world of education.

Mm, thanks, but you can keep
your, uh, entitled rich kids

with their faux damage, and I
will continue saving the world

in just 18 hours a week.

Would you like some?

No, I am good, thank you. I can't.

Said every man who paid too
much for a Sunset Rose sweater.

I can.

Hello, old friend.

Oh, shit! You guys made it!

- Awesome!
- Hey!

Hey! Drinks are on the house!

But only 'cause I can't
legally charge you for them yet.

Who wants shots? Yeah?

- Oh, yeah.
- Go for it.

Straight for the top shelf, huh?

Nothing but the best for all
these non-paying customers.

Good. Awesome. Have at it.



Big Dog's off his leash!

Don't just stand there. Bust a move.

Hey, check it out.

- Shit!
- Nailed it!

- Babe, put it down.
- No.

That's a hard no, John McClane.

- There you go.
- Thanks.

So, uh, what're you drinking?

Oh, you know, I'll have
a club s... It's fine.

You know, I... I've already had
my limit of Pinot Grigio, so...

That sentence is gonna... is
gonna haunt you for a while.

- Mm.
- Hey, for shits and giggles,

why don't you just pitch me this job?

Maybe I'll be interested.

Well, there it is, that unearned
twentysomething arrogance.

You know, if I didn't currently
have a stack of résumés

from way more qualified
candidates than you

who never once really dissed
this wonderful sweater, I...

You're not listening...

I wouldn't hire you.

- Whoo-hoo!
- Here's the floss.

Whoo! Whoo!

Wow. Uh, this is gonna
end poorly for Big Dog.

God, let's hope so.

I'm married to him.

So if you think I can't
create multiple humans,

maintain a healthy
marriage to two spouses,

and slay dragons at work,
then you haven't met me, lady,

because I am still
Emma Goddamn Trakarsky,

not some mobile incubator
who drops everything

to wipe babies' butts

and yell at passing cars to slow down!

Ow! Ow.

- D... did you just
say "ow"? - Mm-hmm!

Mm, ahh!

Sorry. I feel like I
ate a couple puppies,

and they grew into two
very large Dobermans,

and they're currently trying
to eat their way out of me.

- Oh, dear.
- Yeah, but I'm... I'm just gonna play it cool

until you tell me I'm
definitely not getting this job.

Yeah, you are definitely
not getting this job.

Okay. No hard feelings.

I'm just gonna call 911.

Hi. This is Emma Trakarsky,

- and, uh, yeah, I, um...
- Oh, dear.

Oh, my God, I'm about to explode!

- Sorry.
- Yeah, no. No, no, no, no.

No need to call Homeland Security.

Check, please.

Jack. Izzy.

Jack! Izzy!

- Jack. Izzy.
- Yeah?

Can you turn down the music?

Can you turn down the fucking music?!


- Synced and corrected by chamallow -