You Me Her (2016–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - Like Riding a Vagina Bike - full transcript

The adventure begins.

Previously on "You Me Her"...

Were you drunk this time?

- No.
- Me neither.

My November rent.

Only fair, 'cause I
didn't give you any notice.

No.

Hope it works out for you, rebound girl.

Yeah, you better fucking run!

She wasn't my first girl. Or my second.

Well, she seemed pretty eager to
get back on that bike, didn't she?



I thought I lost you.

My brilliant wife has
just accepted a seat

on the prestigious Hamilton
School Alumni Board.

- Mom?
- I don't know what you think you heard.

We got some negotiating to do, don't we?

This whole "niece that
fell from the sky" issue

continues to bother me.

Lori has assigned me
to use the interwebs

to find out whether Izzy
is or isn't your niece.

- Shit.
- She knows I can do it. I can do it.

- We got the theater project.
- That's so great.

Well, everyone says
I'm gonna get partner.

You do remember

we're having everybody over
for the game tomorrow, right?



- We're doing this.
- We are?

Fuck yeah, we are.

This is our choice, and
this is what we want.

Do it.

What are you fucking doing?

Don't fucking do it.

Don't fucking...

She knows.

I'm trying to save you
from yourself, dipshit.

Yeah, well, maybe you should try

and save yourself from that... that...

God damn it, you look super cute.

Really?

Thanks.

So you'll help me with the toast?

Nah, I think I'll let you tie the noose

and kick out the chair.

Great party.

Hey, Gabe.

- Hey, little brother.
- Hey.

What in the Sam fuck are you doing?

You know what? Not now, Gabe, okay?

- Mm.
- What are you doing?

- What was that about?
- Mm.

- Again.
- Ohh!

You cheering against the
Ducks? Is that what's happening?

- You ready?
- Everyone has drinks.

Okay, let's do it.

Yes! Oh! Beautiful.

Yo.

Uh, can... can someone pause
the game for a second, please?

- Don't do this.
- I have to.

- Don't pause it.
- Yeah.

Okay, could everybody...
raise their glasses?

Drinks up.

We have some very exciting
news we want to share with you

because, really, we're more
like family than neighbors.

Aren't we?

When you really think about it?

Yeah, we are.

Okay, um...

I'm Izzy.

This is Izzy.

She just said that.

I'm sorry. I don't understand
what's going on here.

Why... why are you presenting your niece

like it's her coming-out party?

It's act... it's kind of funny

you used the phrase
"coming out," um, because...

Because, um, I'm not their niece.

- Oh.
- Um...

We're together!

We're a throuple.

We're living together,
like romantically.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, so cheers, everyone, okay?

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

- Keep Portland weird.
- Keep Portland weird.

Oh, my God.

A third... what's that called? Polygamy?

- Polyamory.
- Polyamory.

So Emma's bisexual now?

Yeah, yeah. I guess, yeah.

We both are. I'm bisexual.

Sorry, I...

H... hang on.

Um, Ava, you're the one

who showed me Jacqueline
Isabelle's profile.

What?

I... I... I don't...

Oh.

The Trakarskys and... and the Amaris

are scheming against me once again.

Only this time, they've
recruited my own daughter

to cover up their degenerate sexcapades.

You know, wow, really does
sound tawdry the way she says it.

And, little Missy,

you can say bye-bye to
that shiny new 3 Series.

No, no, no. I earned that car.

I'm gonna be class president.

Mm.

Ava, not to pile on, but
that deal's off the table

now that I don't work there anymore.

You were also bribing her?

God damn it, we really
should've brought notes.

Yes. Yes, they...
they tried to bribe me.

And Emma threatened to break
my leg if I didn't help them.

I was so scared, Mommy.

"Mommy," really?

Seriously?

Okay, you know what?
Everybody calm down.

While certain elements of
what Ava said are true...

Yeah, let's... let's
stick to the facts, Ava.

I threatened to hurt her
if she told her mother,

not to make her help us.

Oh, well...

Emma.

Then suddenly our lives became a
suburban revival of "The Crucible."

This deviant relationship...
i... it might be official now,

but your contract with
the Hamilton School is not.

And I promise you the Alumni Board

are gonna find this new information

very interesting.

You're awesome.

Em...

It's all cool.

Everybody just... you guys relax.

Don't look so worried.

It's fine.

We're so fucked.

No.

No, we are so fucked.

I'm gonna lose my promotion, and...

I mean, what was I thinking?
What was I thinking?

Who threatens to break
a little girl's leg?

- We're gonna lose everything.
- No, we're not.

- Yeah, we are.
- No, we're not.

Yeah, we are.

- We're gonna lose everything.
- Emma, no, listen to me.

Yes, listen, you don't have a job.

- I'm gonna lose...
- Listen to me, okay?

Kiss me.

Kiss me

like you saw my plane crash,

but you didn't know I parachuted out

until I came up behind you
and tapped you on the shoulder.

- Okay.
- Okay?

Okay, s... so that's,
like, a thing with you guys.

Well, I... I can do that.

Watch this.

Kiss me like I just
went Uma fucking Thurman

on 40 ninja assassins,

and... and zip-lined you to safety.

All right, my turn.

Kiss me

like we're two astronauts,

and there's a comet
headed for the earth.

And we mount it, we manage to divert it,

but at the last second,
your boot gets stuck.

- Oh.
- Right?

And I'm like, "I'm
not leaving you, honey.

No way," right?

And then the Aerosmith
song starts playing,

and we stop bickering just long enough

- to grab each other...
- Sorry.

Um...

So, it's not so much
kissing as it is like...

like knocking visors.

We're about to die anyway,
so we take off our helmets.

Just grab each other by the face.

Well, yeah, but at which point,
your head would, like, explode

because you're hurtling through
space at like a million miles...

- Oh, just kiss me.
- Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

I mean, I won't even ask

how two people can possibly divert a...

You know what? I... I've got a good one.

Kiss me like I built a time machine

and I went back to the night

that Lori Matherfield's parents met,

seduced her father, married him,

devoted five years making sure

that no version of
Lori was ever conceived,

built another time
machine in our basement

with, like, crude 1970s technology,

then finally made my way to you.

Oh, that is good.

That is so, so good.

Not as good as the astronaut one.

Okay, can you guys... disengage?

'Cause it's my turn.

- Kiss me like...
- You know what?

I'm gonna need a tongue break.

- She's done.
- No, you... you guys were great.

- Yeah, awesome.
- Thanks.

Okay, but just for the record,

- I had a really good one, so it's gonna be...
- Hey.

- ... clearly the best of the night.
- It's not...

Guys, it's not a competition.

- Of course it's not.
- No.

No, it's about you.

But if it was...

- I would've won.
- ... I could...

Uh, guys.

It's a tie.

I declare this a tie, so thank you.

- Okay.
- And thank you.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

I can live with that.

I can totally live with that.

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

Deep down, you'll
always know that I won.

- Oh, come on. She...
- You know what?

You were great. You were great.

I can't believe they used our party
for their dumbass announcement.

Should we start watching
our language around Callie?

- Why?
- Gonna go to pre-pre-school next year

and tell everybody to suck her dick?

- I think we're fine. Ah-om!
- Mmm.

Have you even told Jack what
massive cock-turd he is yet?

Honey, it's 7:40 in the morning.

I will give him a thorough
castigation when I get to work.

Should we have their
backs on this thing?

- Hey, hey.
- No, of course not. That's stupid.

Freaking out is totally the
appropriate reaction to have

to your best neighbor friends
pulling a permanent threesome.

Hello, Dave?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you were doing
a rhetorical monologue...

kind of a one-woman show
thing. There some in there?

I just can't help but
feel a little bit...

Open, open.

... I don't know... Lori-esque.

Like, maybe we've become...

- Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba.
- ... uncool.

Uncool?

What are you talking
about? I smoke weed.

A... and I stay right on top
of my Spotify Discover Weekly.

I mean, lately it has
been recommending the Fray

based on artists I like,

which is, uh, a little unsettling.

You know, we say smoke weed,

but when was the last
time we actually did it?

When was the last time
we did something sexual

anyone would find remotely
disturbing, even Lori?

When was the last time we even just...

Okay, I get it. So, you're saying

that we're provincial
and we're judgmental

because what, we're...
we're not cool anymore?

We're too uncool?

Does that matter to us?

No.

No. No.

Oh, okay, 'cause I was gonna say yes.

- Fuck, I knew it.
- Fuck.

Maybe we start to clean
it up a little bit.

Hey, Dani.

How's it hangin', boss woman?

Sorry, that was... that was dumb.

Well, hey, what a surprise.

Yeah, so...

Uh... Wait, why?

Come on in, have a seat.

Okay. Um...

There is a little situation

that I kind of want to get in front of.

You're referring to your
new domestic arrangement?

Uh...

Very progressive, so cool,

all about it, or don't give a shit.

Whichever, pick one.

Wow.

Phew. You... You don't know
how relieved it makes me

to hear you say that.

Please tell me that you did not threaten

to break the leg of a Hamilton student.

It was just a misunderstanding, right?

Um...

Well, I... I wouldn't categorize it

so much as a misunderstanding...

- Fuck a puppy!
- What?

No! No puppy fucking.

We... We were under a lot of stress.

Did you know that she
was blackmailing us?

Honestly, this Lori person
sounds like a real cunt.

Yes, she is.

She really is a...

Are... Are we using that word now?

We're owning it.

Look, everyone is
scared shitless of her,

and she has threatened to
send out a blanket e-mail

to all of the Hamilton parents

if they didn't take
this issue seriously.

We're gonna have to deal with it.

Okay.

Well, by "deal with it"
you mean you've got my back.

Right, Dani?

Of course.

We're just going to
delay the announcement

of your promotion a couple of weeks.

I see.

You know,

Danielle,

you have been dangling partner

over my head for three years now,

always just jerking it out
of reach at the last minute.

But instead of complaining
... instead of complaining,

I keep grinding, and I
nailed that Hamilton School...

Dangling, jerking, grinding, nailing...

I'm gonna stop you right there
before this turns into a porno.

We're also sliding you off Hamilton

and onto the PBJ project.

What the fuck is PBJ?

Overpriced clothing for
rug rats to vomit on.

Wait, it might be one of
those granola grocery stores

where you're never really sure
what they do or don't have.

Thanks, Danielle.

So much for women helping women.

I'm not a woman.

I'm an architect.

Are we good?

We're great.

We're amazing.

I'm really digging this new
look you got going on here.

You're like that suburban
mom with five kids

who just wakes up in the
morning, just like, "Fuck it."

Did you drive you minivan here?

Is that a no?

Are those slippers?

Yep, they're indoor-outdoor, okay?

I've been unemployed for like two days.

Will you let me enjoy a few more

without any belts or
zippers or shoelaces?

Mm-hmm.

That was quite the performance
you three put on at the Amaris'.

- Oh, God.
- Oh, yeah.

What?

No, it's nothing. It's all good.

Oh, really? It's all good, is it?

- Mm-hmm.
- Please.

You guys were like a
slow-motion train wreck

I couldn't seem to look away from.

Like, when did you and
Emma actually decide to make

that fucked-up decision?
'Cause last I remember,

- you ended it.
- Hey.

You want to know what I think?

No. Absolutely not.

There's literally no part of me

that wants to hear what you think.

I think it's entirely possible

that you just introduced your
first wife to her first wife.

Okay, you know what?

This... this has
happened our whole lives.

The more you talk, the
less sense you make.

I'm just gonna get up, walk away

before you start yelling
out random word combinations.

Blender, vagina, fullback.

Yoga, pistachio. Buttplug.

Fucking unbelievable.

- I don't want to know.
- Hey.

I'm gonna quit my job.

You know, maybe... maybe not today,

maybe not tomorrow,
but real God damn soon.

That's awesome. That'd be great.

You know, unemployed polygamists?

Oh, yeah. You should
just shave your heads

and get, like, crazy
tribal face tattoos.

You know, just fuck it, right, cuz?

- What do you think?
- Yeah.

Be good for you?

Can we talk somewhere a
little more, you know, private?

Sure, yeah, that's where I was going.

I'll leave you with this

because it's suddenly
taken on greater relevance.

I got a connection at Griffin College,

and it seems they're expanding
their psych department.

So I will get you a
meeting, little brother.

Okay? Got some sauce right there.

- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

That's a good one.

Did I hear you say that you were...

I hate my boss, and
I want to quit my job.

Yeah.

Hello.

Hello.

You're such a gaping asshole.

You're a walking tourist attraction.

The world's largest asshole.

So, what now?

Duh... pizza.

How are you not obese?

Uh, well, it's genetic.

From the aliens that
my ancestors mated with

thousands of years ago.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

Just to make sure... you do
remember that I quit my job, right?

Well, that firm has been ass-fucking me

for three years now.

- Wow.
- Sorry.

Not literally. That would be horrible.

Not to mention actionable.

Is "ass-fucking" an industry term

for "made you partner"?

Yeah, well, that's

kinda, sorta been retracted.

What? Seriously?

I'm so sorry.

You know how long I've
wanted to start my own firm?

Honestly, I don't remember
you ever saying that before.

Yeah, I mean, Dani's...
Dani's trying to shove me out,

so maybe I turn this into a leap.

You know? A... A leap into my bliss.

A bliss leap.

I'm gonna make this into a bliss leap.

Wait, are you high right now?

No, I... I don't know what I am.

I... I just, like... I just...

Listen.

Take it easy, okay?

- Kiss me like we're...
- Jack.

You don't need to do that.

Just tell me it's all gonna be okay.

It's gonna be okay.

We're gonna be okay. I promise.

- We are, right?
- Yeah.

So, I got a job at Shaun's bar.

That's why I wasn't in class.

So you dropped out of
college to pursue mixology?

Respect. Good call.

I switched my class, smartass.

- Mm.
- But the point is...

I got a real job.

So you quit escorting.

For Andy.

Whoa, Nellie.

Just, you know, pump
your brakes, Speed Racer.

Mnh-mnh, no.

So you're seriously falling for him?

I'm scared shitless.

I can't sleep.

I'm...

Do you really think
that I'm rebound girl?

Well, that's...

Okay... I mean...

define "rebound,"
because in basketball...

- Oh, God.
- Okay.

Nin, I just don't want you to get hurt.

I just broke up with him
like five minutes ago.

So maybe it's love, but honest...

No, okay, I know.

It's like, um,

eight years of suppressed
Valentine's Days,

all the 1980s Rom-coms,

and every fucking Jane
Austen novel collided

and became a super ovary.

Listen to me,

'cause I need to be
very super fucking clear.

Do not say the "L" word to him.

- Okay.
- Not yet.

- Not yet.
- I can do that.

I mean, not do that.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Do you even want to
be a college professor?

I don't know, to be honest.

I hadn't really thought about it.

I mean, 'cause I don't want
to push you into anything.

Pbht.

What's that supposed to mean?

- Pbht?
- Oh, it's just...

- Carmen and Dave.
- Yeah.

Apparently, they want
to go on a double date

with me, you, and Izzy.

Seems like they're making an effort

not to find us
self-destructive and moronic.

I mean, that... that's something.

Yeah, here's to something.

Here's to something.

Apparently, I have an
interview at Griffin tomorrow.

Hey.

I mean, how bad can that be, right?

It's not like you're working
the late-night drive-through

- at Taco Bell or anything.
- Mm-hmm.

I mean, if... if you want to,

'cause, you know, I don't
want to push you into anything.

- No.
- No.

- Please don't.
- I would not.

I'll just push you in
this doorway right here.

Oh, it's Emma.

Just take it.

I'd hate for you to get
in trouble with the wifey.

Hi, monkey.

Hello.

Oh. Oh, hey.

'Sup?

No, it's just, uh...

It's surprising.

Stop that immediately.

Where do they want to go?

No, that's... I'm in.

Nope, it's all good. Bye.

Andrew.

- Isabelle.
- Okay, this is still weird.

Well, doesn't help when you
braid tongues in front of me.

I got to skedaddle anyway.

Emma and Jack are picking me up.

- Aww.
- Aww.

For a double date with Carmen and Dave.

Oh.

Amaris have chosen the
venue... China Girl.

China Girl?

Oh, my God, they did that for you.

They want you to think that
they're, you know, cool.

It's pretty cute.

- Yeah.
- Okay, wait.

You have to promise me
that you're gonna get video

of the 30-somethings dancing.

You're a horrible person,
but of course I will.

Bye, Boo.

You chose this place?

Not me, this one.

I Googled "coolest Portland dance club."

You sure you didn't accidently type in

"greatest concentration
of assholes in one place"?

I might quit my job
and start my own firm.

- That's fucking awesome.
- I know. Can you believe it?

- Yeah.
- Is it raining in here?

I keep feeling these drops of...

I think it's sweat, babe.

Oh, God.

Em, I just took a
giant shit in my pants.

I know, right? This place is amazing!

We can say anything.

Okay, guys, dance time.

- Dave?
- Oh.

Uh, I'm okay.

I... I'm just gonna do
like a little shoulder thing

here in the dark if that's okay.

Emma, don't do it. Remember last time?

Yeah, but I'm so much drunker this time.

Stranger sweat in my eye.

- Honey...
- Stranger sweat in my fucking eye.

Okay, okay. All right, don't... careful.

Don't touch anything in there!

- ♪ Givin' it up for free ♪
- Jack.

Come on, Jack.

♪ For free ♪

♪ Givin' it up for free ♪

♪ For free ♪

♪ Givin' it up for free ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

- ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
- Come on.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Givin' it up for free ♪

Whoa.

That's, uh... that's romantic.

We tried. Fuck this hell hole.

Oh, there's my girl.

What were in there
for? Four or five hours?

It was, uh, 27 minutes.

- Did we ever go to places like this?
- I don't know.

I have a vague recollection,
but I can't tell

if it was a fever dream
or a horror movie we saw.

Think they even noticed that we left?

Oh, is this about the
thing I said about the bike?

What bike?

You know, the one that Emma remembered

how to ride really fast.

Hold on.

Are you saying y... you
don't think Emma's bi?

You think she's just, like, gay?

I don't know what I think, Carmen, okay?

It's a lot for me to process,

a lot of new information
coming at me about my wife.

It feels like just yesterday,

I found out she even kissed a girl.

Pretty much was yesterday.

Uh... Well, look at that.

- Yeah, I had no idea.
- It's, uh, time for us to be

- anywhere else in the known universe.
- It's... Mm-hmm.

The sitter... we only had her

for like 45 minutes tonight.

Okay. Okay.

You guys got to talk.

You know? I mean, all three of you.

Don't just let it
gurgle around in there.

Yeah, you're right.

Okay. You're right.

Okay.

- Come on, let's go.
- Okay.

Water.

Dear God, why isn't there water?

Maybe there was water,

and karma took it away from you.

Huh?

What's that supposed to mean?

Are you mad?

Mad?

Why would I be mad?

Who doesn't love a
spirited public cuckolding?

Seriously?

We asked you to join us.

Right?

Okay, on your side here, Snuffles.

Mm.

We just paid three 20-buck covers

to share the ninth circle of hell

with a bunch of sweaty,
annoying hipsters.

Now this one is laying between us

snoring like an obese octogenarian.

Am I the only one questioning
our life choices right now?

Okay, I hear you.

But there is a small war

going on inside my head right now.

Can we possibly do this in the morning?

Sure, why not?

I love you.

I'm sorry for being insensitive.

Vodka got up in me before
knew what was happening.

Okay.

I love you.

You already said that.

I love you, I love you,
I love you, I love you.

Jack.

You have to say it back.

I love you more.