You Me Her (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript

- Subtitle by peritta and chamallow -

Previously on You, Me, Her...

You do it with someone you don't know...

someone who doesn't laugh
when you get your sexy on.

I'm talking about an escort.

Jack Trakarsky?

I'm Izzy Silva.

I met Izzy today.

We made out.

After she gave me a
footjob under the table.

I kind of feel like
I'm dangling my marriage

out a 10-story window right now.

Weinstock is retiring as Dean.

He's recommending me as his replacement.

Izzy's an escort.

You don't have to end things.
You just don't call them again.

Mom! What are you doing?

- So, hi,
- Hi.


I can't feel my hands, or my feet,

or the top of my head.
Do I smell baked goods?

Does that mean I'm having a stroke?

Oh, it's a candle.

"Pumpkin Spice." Um...

A stroke is burnt toast.

That's good to know, thank you.

Just the three of us here,
now, first time, together,

in close proximity.


kinda takes it to the next level.

Yeah. Um...

I sprinted away from a
date with an amazing guy,

cyber-stalked your home address,

and just barely escaped

the warning screams of my inner critic.

This is nice here. I like your house.

We were just talking about you,

literally two seconds before
you knocked on the door.

It's, like, strange.

That's so sweet.

And weird.

So how long am I gonna be
chained up in your basement?

I'm mostly free until
midterms in December, so.

She does that.

Well, you know, Jack's made
it real cozy down there.

Fridge, mini-bar, couch.

Good. I'm in.

We have Quaaludes down there

which will erode your sense of time,

if that's your thing.

This is so not us.

We've never done
anything like this before.

Haven't dusted off
that line since college.

- Honey, you used that line on me.
- Don't... don't obsess.

Man, I am really nervous.

Is my voice as shaky
as it sounds in my head?

Did someone mention Quaaludes?

- Yeah, I was joking.
- Oh, sorry.

- Yeah, we don't... we don't have any sedatives.
- No.

- We have a...
- We have a load good wine.

- ... case.
- Fantastic wine.

- Yeah, a case of wine that we got at this...
- A Pinot, we got at the vineyard.

- ... fantastic little vineyard.
- She loves it.

- It was beautiful. In Northern California.
- And it's not too expensive.

- But it's perfect...
- We should really go.

We had a really nice time there.

We kind of have some of that.

- If that's your thing.
- It's delicious. Made of grapes.


All right, let's pop
some corks, dickheads.

Do we look like dickheads?

I think she meant that affectionately.

This should do.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Maybe not those.
- Not those.

- They're not really for drinking.
- Yeah. They're for show.

Well, I'd summarize it like this...

we, that is,

Jack and I, have crossed a threshold

into a unique marital dimension...

Speaking of talking like we're high...

Oh, when I get just the right combination

of nervous and inebriated,

I get grandiloquent and orotund

and I use words that nobody uses,

and then I try and negate it

with a disarming self-awareness...

Um, after that,

I have to insist.

This is a gentle, well-intentioned Indica.



No minds will be blown.

The best kind of pot you can find.

Oh, it's weed?

If you were to create
"A Good Guy" in a lab...

that's what I left on a bar stool.

How fucked up is that?

Should we talk about your
obvious commitment issues?

Shall we revisit what
I told you last time?

Blow me?

Why do we talk about Izzy all the time?

Why did she impulsively come over?

Why are we doing whatever
it is we're doing?

Why, why, why, why...


The house of why.

You got the hiccups?

I get stoned super easy these days.

Have you noticed?

I keep replaying what
happened at that bar.

I pleasured myself at
my desk, thinking of you.

You didn't? You didn't?

I did.


We both masturbated at
our respective workplaces.

You didn't?

And now we're sitting here in
our living room telling you.

This isn't weird at all.

Are you freaked out?

You must be so freaked out.

You can run. We won't tackle you.

No. No, no, no.

I am way too insecure

to feel anything but flattered

that anybody would jack off to me.

Guys, I need you to know

that I, like, have done
nothing but think about you.

I have tried to wash it away

with... with booze

and... and cleaning products,

but you guys are stubborn.

Like a stain.

Like a... like a beautiful stain.

Very handsome...



Yeah, but we agree that this is
a business arrangement, right?

Yeah. Of course.


Yeah. Rent doesn't pay itself.

She's like our mutual hall pass.


Yeah, we each get two
sessions a week with her?

I mean... I mean, you.

Thank you for remembering

that I'm both present and a human being.

We could just book her for the whole month

and then we can revisit it...


... at that point.

Okay, so...

here's my deal...

I'm probably gonna be shutting
down a lot of regulars,

I'll probably lose a few,

so I'm gonna have to
charge you guys a premium.

Oh, and I'm gonna have to get you guys

to pay the month in advance

to hold Mondays through Thursdays,

'cause weekends are for
non-paying relationships only.

So, we good?

I'm good. You good, Em?

Yeah, but we agree

that the intimacy is, like,
non-penetrationable, right?

Okay, so if that's that,

does anyone want to write
up a formal contract,

or will a spirited round of
businessman handshakes suffice?

That's my ride at the
corner, so I'm gonna fly.

Mr. Trakarsky.

Mrs. Trakarsky.

It's been a fucking slice.

- Did she leave?
- Yeah.

She took the weed.

I know I started it,

but I really think we got too
business-ey with Izzy last night.

Objectified her. Hurt her feelings.

Honey, she is an escort

and we are her clients,

so the whole situation

is inherently business-ey.

I just think we need to set
clear boundaries, you know,

and make sure this whole thing
doesn't spin out of control.

You mean so one of us

doesn't develop feelings for another?


Has one of us already
developed feelings for another?


I saw those googly eyes you
were giving her last night.

Googly eyes?

Those are my stoned eyes.

I totally know the difference,
and those were googly eyes.

I know your stoned eyes.

I'm telling you,

all throughout college,

people were like, "Hey,
are you hitting on me?"

I was like, "No, I'm just
super high over here."

- That is not true.
- It is true.

I don't believe that.

Were they red? Like,
very reddish? But squinty?

I know your googly eyes.

That's not it, okay, so stop saying it.

I don't know why I have to defend myself.

I just think it's better for all of us

if we have it

as a clearly defined
business arrangement, okay?

Payment for services rendered.



So how do we decide who gets her first?

- Ew.
- Yeah.

Ew. That sounded bad.

I just grossed myself out.

Just flip a coin?


You know what? I'm just gonna go first.

- How is that fair?
- Ladies first.

There's two ladies in this
situation. That's unfair.

I will never get to go first. Like, ever.

Once every three times, I guess,

but... that's not enough.

Should be 50/50. We should...

Ladies... Oh, my. Hello.

- Is this... us deciding?
- Uh-huh.

Oh, my God.

So we have a deal?

- I get to go first?
- Mm-hmm.

You promise?


Should I stop?

Is this how we're gonna
decide things from now on?

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.

Do you like it?

I do, but I feel like
I'm being short-sighted.

Stupid penis.

Through the use of rational thought.

But with sensory memory,

the brain is designed

only to process information

that will be useful at a later date.


Sorry. Sorry.

You could meet me halfway
and move your legs, dickface?


I'm in class dressed
like a horny WNBA player.

You could at least ask.

Kinda tells its own story, man.

I had to Google an hour's
worth of basketball jargon.

In case it, like, ever comes up,

there really isn't

an hour's worth of basketball jargon,

so I just started, like, making shit up.


Hey, can I borrow your notes?

All yours.

What have you been doing
for the last 34 minutes?

I honestly have no idea.

I'm gonna need your notes, Stan.
Two copies, bring 'em tomorrow?

Sure. Absolutely.

It's Kyle, by the way.

But Stan works. Yeah.

I can be Stan.

Don't worry. Ken's got it.

He just told you his name was Dan.

- What?
- Kyle.

- Kyle.
- Kyle?

Sorry I'm late, Frank.

College essays.

My God, is it possible for every
kid who has under a three-five

to have ADHD

and multiple deaths in the family?

I miss the days

when you still felt obligated
to kiss my ass and call me Dean.

You're in my fucking chair, Dean.

Kiss my ass, Jack.

Got it.

I'm not even officially retired yet,

and I'm already bored to fucking death.


now that I don't have
to worry about testing,

I'm really into the idea
of trying out the new drugs.

How does one "roll"?

Wait. We have drug testing?


I can't remember the last one.

Okay, so the Alumni Board
has all your records,

they meet to discuss on Monday.

Hey, can they really
track my browser history?

Like you were...

'cause that seems...

That seems un... un... like...

Amer... like unethical or
something. It's un-something.

This is Hamilton, Jack, so,
yeah, they're gonna dig, but...

seriously, you do use Incognito Mode?

What's "Incognito Mode"?

Oh, boy.

Hmm... what would I wear

on a first date with a female


I'm sharing with my husband?

Keep trying to be funny.

It's irritating, but it distracts me.

I'm so nervous, I
couldn't go this morning.

I feel like I'm pregnant.

I have a poo baby.

Do you and Jack talk a lot
about your digestive issues?

Because you should know
the rest of us don't.

See, for example, I don't need to know

whether you pooped or
not on any given day.

What about this one?

Hot. Yeah.

If I were an underage groupie

with deep-seated self-esteem issues,

I'd buy out the whole shop.

Yeah, let's go throw
back some Jaeger shots

and go to a "Modest Mouse" show, dude.

Dear God, even your
young-chick references are old.


How about that?

Help me. Help me, help me.

Oh, chill.

I'm sure lezzing is
just like riding a bike.

It'll come back to you.

I haven't ridden a bike in so long.

Listen, you wear that, I
will totally lezinate you.

Okay, you can stop trying to create

different permutations
of the word "lez" now.

- What a second, are we vibrating?
- Oh.

Is that how lezitation works?

It's my phone, jackass.

- Aw... Izzy.
- Dear God.

Are you 13? Just got your period?

You're jealous, asshole.

Retro fitness. I respect that.

Fem Fit says this chick
nailed it way back when.

Everything you need in 15 minutes.

Do you know where my vape is?

I'm getting super stressed

by my date with Emma.

So they're getting some
freaky version of sex therapy,

but what're you getting out of it?

- 16 sessions paid upfront?
- Great.

It's on the table, Dingdong.

Fem Fit also says habitual pot use

- causes degenerative heart failure diseases...
- Jesus, Fem Fit,

your guide to a joyless fucking life.

Should I wear these?

- No.
- Why not?

Just don't.

My God, I'm so nervous.

I haven't been on a first date since...

not since you.

I'm not sure if you're ready for this,

to be honest.

I think pr... I should probably go first.


Yeah, I think that's probably best.


No. Not really.

Why do you make me go there?

I hate the Matherfields!

They play all those stupid games and...

Well, one of us has to be there on time.

Carmen said that Lori is
making a special announcement.

I'll be, like, an hour late.

Wow, this is...

I think that might be

actually too hot.

I think you might burn corneas.

Ooh, that is... that is good.


What... why are we stopping?

Because I want you to ravage me later.

I mean, that's the plan, isn't it?

I guess so.

- Hey.
- Hi.

You look really nice.

Thank you. So do you.

Thank. I... Thanks.

I think that...

I think we should be
able to get in soon, yeah.

I'm scared shitless.

Are you scared shitless?


I could order, but there's
no way in hell I could eat.

Me too. Good.

I could drink.

Me too. Always.

I have an idea.

It's a fucking game,

so who the fuck gives a
shit about these games?

I love these games. What
are you talking about?

What is with you tonight?
You seem very stressed.

It's Emma.

She's doing dinner with a colleague,

and she's supposed to be
done by now, that's all.

That's what's stressing you out so much?

You check your phone,
like, every two seconds.

Yeah, that's it.

Okay. You want to play?

- Can we play the game now?
- I'd love to play, okay.

- Okay, I'll go first.
- Okay. Ready?

♪ Happy Birthday... ♪

♪ Mr. President ♪

Too easy.

I don't... I don't know.

♪ Happy Birthday... ♪

Oh, you're like a sexy baby?

♪ ... Mr. President... ♪

I don't know. Barack Obama.

Are you joking?

No, I have no idea.

♪ Mr. President... ♪

Happy Birthday, Mr.
President? What is that?

The dress is coming up. Whoo!

You're riding a pony?

Hah! Oh!

A diaper. You're wearing a diaper?

- No.
- I feel like I'm getting close.

- Hot Damn.
- Yeah?

Literally, that's what it's called.

Oh, my God.

That just totally exfoliated my mouth.

I loved it.

I should have got two.

Are you insinuating I drink too much?

No, I...

'Cause I totally do.

I'm not exactly working on it,

but I'm thinking about working on it

in the near future, I
think, maybe, I don't know.

Hot fucking Damn.

I know a place.

A hotel?


Isn't it delicious?

Shirley Temple. Shirley Temple.

- Are you joking with me right now?
- No.

You're the only person in the
world who doesn't know this.

Well, can you give me
something else to work with?

Give him another clue.

I'm not giving him another clue.

- What are you, refusing clues?
- Say it.

I don't know what it is.

You're an idiot.

First, thank you all for coming,

but more importantly,

I'm proud to announce

that my beautiful and
brilliant wife, Lori...

has just accepted a seat

on the prestigious Hamilton
School Alumni Board!

Thank you. Thank you all.

You're so kind.

Rest assured,

I take my new position very seriously.

- Oh my God.
- Okay, enough about me.

I want you to enjoy the rest of the party.

And, oh, we have devised

an entirely new game

that I think you all

are going to be quite entertained by.

More games?

Okay, party!

Party time! Come on!

Thank you!

- So...
- There she is.

How much ass-kissing

can you squeeze into three days,

Assistant Dean Trakarsky?

Congratulations, by the way.

Thank you!

More Chardonnay, madame?

Oh, definitely.


This is fucking amazing.

Told you.

You did good.

- You like it?
- Yeah.


Nice, huh?

I was awake for hours last night

thinking about

a married couple in Hawthorne Heights

sleeping in bed together without me.

- Oh, fuck. Did I scare you?
- No, no, no, no, no...

Hold on. Just stay there.

- Okay.
- Stay there.

So I did a lot of homework.

Yep, watched a lot of highly
highly disturbing videos,

featuring on a vast array of vegetables.

It was... it was very upsetting.

I think I saw a gourd,

or it could have been an eggplant,

like a large one,

I don't know.

Anyways, I... I... I didn't learn much.

Please tell me there are
no vegetables in there.

Oh, my God, your laugh
makes me so nervous.

I could be sick.

But in a good way.

You're so fucking beautiful.

Lyric? Really?

That's what you came up with?

I've carried mounds of shame

for 16 years now.

"Mounds of Shame"

is absolutely the name of my next band.

You've been in bands?

Did that turn you on?

You okay?

I love your eyes.

They're, like, doe eyes,

you probably heard that a million times.

No, I've never heard that before.

Yeah, I bet every dude says that to you.

Your lips are so soft.

It feels so weird to...
You don't have a beard.

Yeah, not yet at least.

The beauty mark on your right cheek

is the first thing that made
me just go crazy for you.

I used to try and scratch it off.

That's dumb.

Don't try to scratch it off.

Okay. I won't.

Shh. I think we just broke
the no penetration rule.

Okay. Nobody this side of
Bedrock snores like that.

Let's get this stink bomb out of here.


Look at you.

Let the ravaging begin.


I swear if I come one more time

I think I'll dry up and blow away.

I'm so tired.

You serious?


What the hell?

How many orgasms are we talking about?

I thought we had a no orgasm rule.

I just thought we were, like...

we were...

this whole thing was so
that we would bring it...

We are doing this for us.

Well, doesn't look like I'm
getting anything out of it,

at this point.

What were you doing for three hours?

Um, I don't know, we walked and talked,

and we drank.

And we went to the roof.

Which roof?

Are you talking about our roof?

You took her to our roof?

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry.

Oh, my God.

- Fuck.
- Are you okay?


Am I okay?

How could you...

There's a fucking million places
you could have taken her...

you took her there?

It sounds so romantic.

Babe, it's just new.

It's a little confusing.

I'll say. I am confused.

Very confused about what, like...

What about with Izzy,
like, in particularly?

Is that something else?





That is...

That is a lot confusing.

We promised we'd be honest, right?

- Yeah.
- Then we have to be honest.

I know, I just... seeing you like this

is freaking me out a bit.

I'm being honest. That's my honesty.

Let's bring on the honesty.

It's really... it's really working for me.

Maybe a little jealousy's
good for both of us.



you going to go to bed like that?


- You are?
- Yes.

For real?

I'm going to bed angry,

'cause this is...

I'm going to have a
million orgasms on my date,

I can't wait.

- You are?
- Yeah.

What are you going to do on your date?

- Come on every rooftop...
- Every rooftop?

Stop it. I'm trying to be angry.

- It's going to be raining...
- I'm trying to be angry.

Iz, can I...

What are you doing?


No, you're not.

Yeah, I was.

Well, fuck.

- Subtitle by peritta and chamallow -