You Me Her (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Can You Be Cool? - full transcript

- synced and corrected by peritta -
- edits by chamallow -

Previously on You, Me, Her...

[counselor]: How often are you having sex?

[Jack]: If I stuck my
tongue in Emma's mouth,

she's probably just crack up laughing.

You do it with someone you don't know.

Someone who doesn't laugh
when you get your sexy on.

I'm talking about an escort.

- [Izzy]: One more week.
- There's my little hooker.

[Izzy]: We're escorts. It's different.

I love you, weirdo.



Fuck.

Jesus, I can't do this.
What's wrong with me?

I came clean.

Don't I get points for coming clean?

- Show me.
- Show you what?

I want to see her.

Wow, you are really pretty.

Surprise.

[Jack]: The reason why I hired you

is to save my marriage, actually.

- I met Izzy today.
- What?

And I probably should have told you this

a long, long time ago,

but, um...



she wasn't my first girl.

[♪]

[dog barking]

[♪]

Hey.

So, in the half hour or
so that I actually slept,

I had the weirdest dream.

We did it on the kitchen floor...

Wow.

Yeah.

And then you told me

you got a foot job under the table

from a girl.

That's so much like my dream,

except before that girl gave
me a foot job under the table,

you made out with her in a hotel room.

What if it really happened?

How crazy would that be?

So crazy.

So what now?

Well, it's early.

- Oh... Oh, God.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

There's a reason why that
only happens in movies.

Call the CDC.

I think we just created a plague.

- Should we...
- Yeah.

[♪]

[sighs]

You're disgusting.

You make me sick.

[vomiting]

Go. Run. Save yourself.

At least one of your organs is in there.

So gross.

Okay, then.

Today is the first day of your
life, Isabelle Marie Silva.

You are stripped bare,

born anew,

and now you must wash all the sins of...

[text alert sounds]

Oh, fuck.

Andy.

Or you could just stop
being a selfish cunt.

Could you... could you do that for me?

So, can we talk

about this whole girl-girl-girl...

phase,

whatever it was?

Like...

why didn't you tell me about this?

Um...

Something we should have...

I'm sorry. I should have.

Maybe I should see

if Dina has a cancellation
later today or something?

Does it bother you?

It's... I think...

we should talk about it at least.

Okay. Yeah.

Just to wrap our heads around it

in the company of a professional?

Yeah.

That is a good idea.

Good, right?

You're full of good ideas.

[♪]

[Izzy]: So, it's me again,

the loathsome, sociopathic
no-show from last night?

This is try number seven, Andrew,

which legally constitutes
cellular groveling.

So, call now

and receive one sexual favor
in a semi-public place...

Sorry, that was... that was weird.

Um, just call me back, okay?

I miss you.

What is that?

Hello.

Whatcha doing?

Don't distract me.

I'm trying to, like, black
out the last 60 seconds

so that we can keep living together.

Just, by the way,

it's painfully transparent

that you're only into
Andy when he cuts you off.

I'm just saying.

What?

Where are the dolls?

You know what this is?

You're, like, deep into

another of your spastic,

reactionary self-improvement
programs, right?

No, Nina.

I'm getting my shit together.

People do it all the time.

No, you...

You do it all the time, Iz.

You ever consider just,
like, keeping it together,

relatively speaking?

Or do you secretly dig

this whole death and resurrection cycle

that you're trapped in?

Ahem.

I do have a question for you, though?

Okay.

Yeah. What the fuck is that?

How many times have I told you

to not leave your nail polish up here?

I didn't leave my nail polish up there.

Every time. Does it... Does
it look like it belongs?

[♪]

[knocking]

I don't care about your personal problems,

Piper or Meghan, or whoever you are.

Come in, please.

[Izzy]: Fred? Are you in there?

Izzy?

Remember that?

[♪]

[♪]

So, here's the thing...

I've been a very, very bad girl, Jack,

and I need some firm counseling.

Think you can do that?

[cell phone vibrating]

Jack, Jack, Jack.

You know, you can schedule

an emergency therapy session,

lock the doors,

build a moat,

put some sharks in it,

but there's just one little problem...

I'm already inside.

Surprise.

Can you be cool?

I think so.

[cell phone vibrates]

[cell phone vibrates]

Ahem. Ahem.

Oh, my God!

Um...

Jack?

Jack?

Dean Weinstock.

Might I have a word?

You may.

May I suggest "capricious"?

That's a favorite.

Um, so is that my lamp,

or are you just happy to see me?

Wow. Why would I say that?

I sound like I'm offering
you sexual favors,

which...

which I guarantee you I'm not.

Are you somebody's son?

I mean, like,

everybody's somebody's son,

but are you, like, somebody's son,

like a big client or something?

Please tell me you're not.

I'm going to write you a
really good recommendation

when you go back to school.

Oh, don't bother clearing
that browsing history.

Your porn's already been
logged and ostracized.

I don't... porn on this...

on the computers, no.

That's not my...

I'm joking.

Okay.

Funny.

However, there is something
we need to talk about.

[♪]

[Izzy]: Whatever you
feel matters only to you.

Whatever you do about
it matters to the world.

Your life and your relationships

are a sum of your choices and actions.

Meatloaf is just an excuse

to serve a giant bunless hamburger.

[cell phone vibrating]

Andy! Hi. Hi. You called.

Um, choose your favorite greeting.

One...

I am a nice guy, Iz,

but don't mistake that
for me being a pushover.

How about we just move
on to something healthier?

Please?

Okay.

All right, all right.

[♪]

You know what, it worked.

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but your stupid moron
plan actually worked.

Em and I are having crazy sex.

We mopped the kitchen floor
with each other last night.

Mm-hmm.

Like, real sex.

We were engaged and
looking at each other...

and making out.

We haven't made out in years.

I think we're going to do it tonight, too.

You're welcome.

My work here is done.

Why am I still fantasizing
about Izzy, though,

instead of Emma?

Dude, honestly,

does anybody fantasize about their wife?

I mean, I own

an obscenely expensive black sports car

that does 0 to 140 in, like, six seconds.

Do you think I fantasize

about driving

an obscenely expensive black sports car

that does 0 to 140 in six seconds?

[Jack]: That makes no sense whatsoever.

I'll get the Meaty Jackson 3

and he'll have The Hot Angie.

[Jack]: Thank you.

So, just to be clear,

my wife is the car in your metaphor?

- Yeah. Yeah.
- I don't get it.

A very sexy car.

If there was a reasonable method,

I'd totally fuck my car.

Why do I come...

What? What?

[fumes]

What is your problem?

There's a million people
I could come to advice for,

I come to you. I have a
lot of my plate right now.

I have...

Weinstock is retiring as dean

and he's recommending
me as his replacement.

I know.

So... so, in addition

to you being unable to avoid getting laid,

even in your sleep,

you're gonna be the dean

of one of the top private high schools

on the West Coast?

I walked right into that one.

Yeah.

God!

- Gotta get the food here.
- Get the food.

It's the least you can
do after I pay for it.

Thank you.

Here's the thing, man, with Izzy,

we didn't just make out.

We went much further than that.

What kind of guy does something like that?

A guy with a dick?

The other problem I have is

Weinstock said that they monitor

our Internet use at the office,

and I used the office
computer to contact Izzy.

You what?

Ow! Come on, man. Stop
fucking smacking me.

Stop being such a dumb-ass!

- We are adults.
- Adults?

We are adults.

Get your hands off my suit!

- Oh, what?
- Yeah.

What was that?

Sorry, sorry. He's my
brother. I apologize.

Listen, you better run.

[♪]

[Yoga teacher]: Stay with it.

Say no to your brain's defense mechanism

of retreat and surrender.

Say yes to your will, your intentions.

You're not going to
have an orgasm, are you?

Mm. No promises.

I'm having some kind of
mind-body renaissance.

[teacher]: Stay present.

Be with your body.

Trust your body.

Be thankful for all that she does for you.

Hear her.

I can hear this one
Kegel-ing from over here.

Shut up!

[teacher]: Oh, wow, Emma, just beautiful.

You're glowing.

Everyone, if you can manage
to look over here at Emma,

this is what it looks
like to trust your body.

You inspire me, Emma.

I have a great teacher.

Namaste.

[teacher]: And into downward dog.

Got a little something on
your nose, there, Moonbeam.

Jealous much?

I'm simply accustomed

to being better than you at everything,

especially yoga.

You are not better than me at everything.

I'm waiting.

I'm better than you at
hooking up with girls.

Are we talking about

the hideously deformed grad student?

We are.

We made out in the bathroom.

After she gave me a
foot job under the table.

I can't stop thinking about it.

Oh.

What's wrong?

Just...

If you're back into chicks,
why not me, you big lesbo?

I mean, I'd refuse you, of course, but...

Okay, first of all, I
am not a "big lesbo,"

which is offensive, by the way.

And second...

I don't even know if
I'm "back into chicks."

Double air quotes. Mine.

So did she initiate?

Were you, like, a
passive participant or...

I was no lady in the ladies room.

What does that mean?

How far did you go?

Were you guys, like, eating at the Y?

Ew. I don't even know what that means.

Have you told Jack?

Yeah.

I kind of feel like

I'm dangling my marriage out
a 10-story window right now.

But at the same time,

I'm into him more than ever.

You know, I want him again.

Does that make sense?

People jump out of
perfectly good airplanes

for a reason, babydoll.

[cell phone vibrating]

Maybe.

Are you and Carmen having
your post-yoga wine?

A little Pinot?

She took mine

when I air quoted twice
in the same sentence.

Okay, good,

because I just booked a time
with Dina in about 30 minutes.

I'll meet you there.

I'm gonna get there early,

and just kind of establish my position

as the good guy in this situation.

A, our shrink is a chick,

B, you started the whole thing

by calling a hooker,

so C, you are screwed.

Wait, did you just say

all this in front of Carmen?

No. No, of course not.

She's, uh...

she's pooping.

I'm sure she'll be thrilled

you're outing her pooping habits.

Yeah.

It's... it's a yoga thing.

You know, run to the bathroom,

occasional fight over a stall.

You know, yoga.

Okay. I love you. See you there.

Love you, Babe. Bye.

I'm sorry.

Anything but poo. Anything but poo.

You know what, just next
time, tell him I died.

[♪]

There you are.

Okay.

I'm trying really hard

to be... patiently submissive here,

but this steely silence thing

is... is...

just about to cross the line

between self-empowerment
and douchebaggery.

I think you might be my penance.

For the evil man-deeds of your past?

You gotta see it

through now, right?

Suffer. Be cleansed.

I'm all done suffering, Iz.

I know.

Yeah, you do?

I do. Yes.

Good,

'cause you are going to
take me on a proper date.

Is that right?

You are going to court me first.

Okay.

Then you're going to woo me...

Uh-huh.

And wine and dine me.

Any chance I'm gonna get some?

I'm a sure thing. Yeah. Complete slut.

Sold.

So when's the big date?

Right now.

No possibility of flaking

or turning it into some sloppy booty call.

Let's just go.

Okay, just bag it up.

What?

Recall, if you will,

literally counting down
from 60 on your phone?

You know when I get the O.C.

I was cleaning,

shit was crazy at the house.

Like, I'm sweating.

Like, I'm... I'm not...
I'm vile right now.

You really need to give me a minute.

Suffer. Be cleansed.

Why don't we... just meet here in an hour?

Okay?

I wanna be pretty for you.

Um... you're cheating.

What?

- This is cheating.
- What? No.

Am I ever going to have
any control in this thing?

How honest do you want me to be?

[♪]

It was the summer of my junior year,

and Barcelona was crawling with students.

I...

I was in this bar,

and this girl comes in,

and she was with this
really good-looking dude,

so I thought it was her boyfriend.

Turns out he was her gay best friend.

And...

He dared us to make out.

He took up a collection.

Oh, God, this is...

Well, Dina said we could
unlock the memories.

[Dina]: It's unhealthy to deny the past,

especially from our partners.

It's who we are.

Awesome. Yeah. Keep going, honey.

It turns out Evangeline
had, um... put him up to it.

Please. I'm sorry, Dina.

Evangeline?

No one's really called Evangeline.

At first, we would just

steal kisses in alleys...

Then we would walk through
town, holding hands...

It's embarrassing how
cool I thought I was.

I'm currently embarrassed for you,

your telling this story.

You know, I think I was in love with her.

Yeah.

I was in love with...

I almost fucked Izzy.

Yeah. As long as we're unlocking secrets.

I almost fucked Izzy.

We were right on the border, man.

It was like on the razor's edge.

Oh, well, you know,

If you have unfinished business,

by all means, be my guest.

Well, excuse me,

I'm the one sitting here,

listening to your dreamy
lesbian nostalgia-gasm.

[Dina]: Okay, you guys, let's not...

Back up, Dina, okay? This is our moment.

[Dina]: It's your
obscenely expensive session,

so have at it.

Okay, since it is our session,

can I talk about this fucking music, okay?

This elevator music from hell.

Is this music?

I mean, it feels like...

If it is, please turn it up
so I can recognize it as music,

otherwise turn it the fuck down,

'cause I want to skull-fuck someone

with this Guantanamo Bay shit!

The music is really annoying.

Please.

[Dina]: That's so sweet.

The enemy of my enemy.

Okay, to both of you...

how did it end with
these respective lovers?

Evangeline and Izzy?

Um...

You want to go first?

[stammers]

Finish your story?

[Dina]: Now, hold on just a second.

Where is that remote?

This just got interesting.

[♪]

Ugh...

Hey.

Hey, you.

You were just really throwing it back.

It's just a reasonable,

moderate dose of, you know,
liquid courage, I guess.

You look gorgeous.

You're such a nice guy.

My balls just ran away from my body.

No, no, no, no. I don't mean it like that!

I mean, like, you're The Premium Package.

You're, like, hot enough to
be a dick and get away with it,

but you're not.

Okay, well,

would it be better if I was a dick?

If I made this, like, way harder?

Hey, what if I was a married dick?

Girls like you, you dig
that kind of stuff, right?

Girls like me?

Oh, don't pretend to be
the wounded one, okay?

I couldn't even get you to be here

until I shut you down.

Shit.

I guess...

You do know women.

I was raised by a mother
and two big sisters.

Might explain

my debilitating emotional availability.

Yeah, you are pretty fucked up.

Ahem.

Iz, I'm not gonna bullshit you, okay?

This "date" of ours...

This has to be the beginning of us,

like, as a couple, okay?

For full disclosure's sake,

I very much want it to end
with relatively sober-ish sex.

Like, romantic sex, you know?

I want to wake up in the morning with you,

have you still be there.

I want to make you breakfast.

I want...

I want to know the real thing with you.

If that's not what you had in mind,

and, you know,

you're just luring me back in

to prove that you can or whatever,

let's just end it right here and now.

Wow. Okay.

That's, uh...

I mean, I've let this go on
for a really long time, right?

Like, I'm sure we could
both agree on that.

Moment of truth, Iz...

Like, you're all in, or I'm out.

[♪]

[sighs]

Is that a good sigh or a bad sigh?

I love you so fucking much.

I love you.

You know that, right?

Like a rock.

Like a rock?

It's, like, a '70s song.

Don't cry.

Please don't cry. I'm not mad.

I'm not crying.

So how did it end?

I just want to know
how it ended, you know?

I think...

this whole thing with this...

this girl...

that told you her name was Evangeline...

I wasn't fooled.

It was part of the game.

I told her my name was Lyric.

You did not?

I did.

She bought that?

Yeah.

And then you just never
tried to contact her?

I don't know.

Summer ended. I went home.

I just went back to being me, Emma.

And then there was Girl Number Two?

Mm-hmm.

And another.

There's other girls?

How many girls are we talking about?

That was it.

I swear.

It wasn't like that. It wasn't...

It wasn't a thing.

It's totally a fucking thing.

How can you say that?

I mean, this is...

It just never came up.

What is... why didn't you tell me?

Well, how did you end it?

With who?

With who? With Izzy.

Izzy's an escort.

You don't have to end things.
You just don't call them again.

You've had no contact
with her since the hotel?

Like, at all?

Why are you saying it like that?

'Cause I'm asking you,

have you or have you
not had contact with her?

I...

I saw her once.

I saw her outside.

I just wanted to tell her

that I couldn't see her ever again,

and that it was over,

and goodbye.

I just wanted to say goodbye.

I was going to tell you.

I wanted to see her, too.

This is fucked up.

Yeah.

What the fuck is happening?

I don't know.

[♪]

Are you proposing...

Mom!

What are you doing?

You scared the feces out of me!

I'm 16.

Please just say "shit"
like everybody else.

Language.

What?

"Feces" is grosser.

Why are we spying on the Trakarskys?

Don't be ridiculous.

We aren't spying, honey.

We're just...

wondering.

Okay.

[knocking]

- So, hi.
- [Emma]: Hi.

Hi.

♪ Sitting here watching the world go by ♪

♪ Wondering all about the things we do ♪

♪ Hoping it'll open up our eyes ♪

♪ To see clear for the first time ♪

♪ In our lives ♪

[♪]

♪ See our world turning ♪

♪ See our world turning ♪

♪ Can't you see our world
turning upside-down? ♪

♪ Feel our world turning ♪

♪ Feel our world turning ♪

♪ Can you feel our world
turning round and round? ♪