You Me Her (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Cigarettes and Funions and Crap - full transcript

Suburban Portland couple Emma and Jack Trakarsky are totally in love but seriously lacking spice. They end up tangled up with an escort (grad student Izzy) to get the mojo back, setting ...

Last night, I woke up

with one of those 3:00
a.m. panic attacks,

realized our "One Year Fertility Break"

had turned into three

and now I am way closer to 40 than 30.


We're like "That Couple with No Kids"

in a family neighborhood.

The neighbors kind of think
we're pitiful and weird,

which is ridiculous,

because we're objectively
so much better than them.

But we're ready to try again.

Totally. Yeah.

We wanna do this. We're... We're all in.

We are all in this time.

How often are you having sex?

Excuse me?

How often are we having sex?


I mean, to be hon...

we've been off our game
a little bit lately.

I've been working crazy
hours on this huge pitch,

for a fancy new theater
at The Hamilton School,

where Jack works?

- She works...
- So the last month...

isn't really an accurate representation

of how often we... have...

intercourse. Ahem.

Right. And also,

I've been having this, like,

persistent kind of acidy
thing in my stomach here...

That's... it's kind of a problem.

Maybe the fact that I'm talking about it

so incessantly

is another factor

in why we're not reaching
our potential, I guess.

I'd say we do it, uh...

1.5 times a week?

I mean, not that we have
fractional intercourse,

She means...

we have it, like, six times a month.

- Hmm.
- She... she wrote it down.

- Is that more than...
- Okay, got it.

That means we're doing well?

That's pretty good, right?

Yeah, that's pretty
good I would say, right?

I mean, what's your...

National average?

Yeah, we're doing good, right?



How'd it go?

The doctor asked us how
often we had sex and we lied.

With disturbing specificity.

Oh, you gotta lie.

Like I'm gonna tell
the whole neighborhood

we haven't had sex in two months?

Well, you just did.


Oh, boy.

Party time for the Real
Housewives of Hawthorne Heights!

Hey... Lori.


Okay, carry on.

Why would she be coming to
Jenna Weeden's divorce party?

They used to work together or something.

You're gonna change
before we go out, right?

Nobody under 40's gonna hit
on that biz-cas bullshit.

Hey what are you doing tonight?

You wanna crack a couple
of beers, watch a game,

maybe get some pizza?

Um... no, I gotta read over
some college essays, so.

Is it because he's crying?

Do I actually have to
answer that question?

It's called teething, okay?

He's trying to get teeth.

Imagine that for the first time.

Making teeth.

It's a big deal.

Yeah. Thank you, honey.

What the hell?


Are you jacking off to football?


That is so fucked up.

I was just... I was just cradling it.

It's okay,

because we...

are about to do some intercourse.

You ready for this?


Do you know why...

Jenna got divorced?

I couldn't pick Jenna out of a lineup,

so I have no idea who
you're even talking about.

Well, when the divorce party
went "predictably dark... "

Oh, my God.

You have to have some
water or something.

She said they fell deeply

"out of lust and deeply into like."

You air quote so much when you're drunk.

Does that sound familiar to you?

Oh, yeah? You like that?

I don't know.

That's good,

'cause it is about to
get real dirty up in here.

Can you even hear what you're saying?

Can you even hear yourself?

Can you?


I can hear you.

What does that even me?

Oh, God. Did you smoke the
entire pack of cigarettes?

Did you eat an entire bag of Funions?

Of course not.

There's till some left, I think.


'cause this is raw.

This is cigarettes and Funions and shit.

Come here. Come here. Slap me.


- Spank me.
- Spank you? No.

Pull my hair and spank me.

This is seriously what you want?

Spank me. Come on.

What are you talking about?

Spank me. Spank me. Spank me. Spank me.

- Like that.
- I'm not doing it.

- Try!
- I'm not doing it.

Ow! What the fuck?

It was like a sexual atrocity.

Seriously, arms were flailing,
and breath was stinking.

We should've filmed it
for an abstinence PSA.

Ah, the venerable cycle of masturbation.

I don't think that's a thing.

Oh, no. The less you get it on,

the more you jack off.

The more you jack off,
the less you get it on.

Well, maybe that is a thing.

Shit, bro, you okay?

I don't know, man. It's like...

Is it really that serious?

I think it might be. I
think it is that serious.

I mean, we love each other.

That's... it's not a like,
it's a love situation.

That's not the problem at all.

We're, like, trying
to manufacture passion,

and it's resulting in me
getting a fucking black eye.

I would love to blame it

on two years of, like, robotic baby sex,

but even before that,

it wasn't like it was "9 1/2 Weeks."

Can you say something, please?

I may or may not

have done something in another dimension

that no one in this universe
could ever know about.

It's like a tree

falling in the forest,

except it's my dick
going into another woman.

You had an affair?

Hey, shh! No, no. It's too messy.


Why don't you yell it, huh?

I was startled.

Because the legally deaf woman

on the other side of
that bridge can hear it.

So... you were with a hooker?

No. I'm talking about an escort.

What's the difference?

- No penetration.
- What?

No penet... is that even a thing?

Okay, okay.

Sometimes, there's penetration, okay?

But there's not supposed to be, right?

That's why they can advertise.

12, I don't know, something like that,

sites here in Portland alone.

When's the last time you guys made out?

If I stuck my tongue in Emma's mouth,

she'd probably just crack up laughing.

You do it with someone you don't know,

someone who doesn't laugh
when you get your sexy on.

This actually worked for you?

You took this back into your bedroom?

Fuckinay right I did.

This is a lot for me to
process over fuckin' hot cocoa.

On today's Home Seekers,

zookeeper Amanda and
her accountant husband...

Oh, God...

Oh, God.

Homer, lock it down, buddy.


I have officially hit the age
where a hangover lasts 24 hours.

We've got our work cut out for us.

One thing I know about women,

they never stop talking
about bathtubs or closets.

If I hear that line one more time,

"Where do your clothes go?"

I'm going to...

I'm going to piece together

why you never got married.

Claw-footed tub, authentic
Victorian staircase...

What are you doing?

I just thought maybe
we could, you know...

Are you seriously
proposing sex right now,

when I'm one pug fart away
from regurgitating vital organs?

Suddenly over it.

If I die, know that I loved you.

Love you more.

What kind of monster

lets a guy pay her 400
bucks to treat him like shit?

You don't look like you're begging.

You don't realize what kind of
a bargain you gave that dude.

He can have any woman,
any thing he wants...

except not getting what he wants.


Until you.

Izzy Silva.

His angel of denial.

Okay, Nina, that actually didn't suck,

but do you have any
idea how guilty I felt?

This morning,

there was a homeless guy
outside of our apartment,

who asked me for a cigarette.

So I gave him 80 bucks,

hugged him, and said, "God bless you."

I've never said that to
anyone in my life before.

"God bless you?" Who says that?

I am so disappointed in you, Iz.


you don't want to float
my half of the rent again.

Si, senora.


One more week.

There's my little hooker.

We're escorts. It's different.

Oh, right, absolutely.

It is different.

- That's what you told me.
- It is. Don't worry about it.

I texted you, like.
20 times last night...


Oh, my God, I think I
just sprouted ovaries.

You did?


I think I'm officially the
chick in this relationship.

That is so fucking sexist, Andy.

Both genders pursue that
which retreats from them.

Oh, so you're baiting me, huh?

Oh, get over yourself.

You free tomorrow night, Andrea?

Don't fuck with me,
I'm menstruating, okay?

Yes, I'm free.

Because of the complicated nature

of rationalist thinking...

Who is it?

Another hubby lost his mojo.

Easy-peasy. Bread and butter.

It's probably not fair,

but I kinda wanna pop
you in the other eye.

You do? Why?

I don't know. I'm
missing our old apartment,

living downtown,

being in the middle of everything.

Why? Is there something else

I should be violently enraged about?

No. No. I can't think of anything.

Are you drunk already?

Maybe a little bit.

Get drunker. You sound weird.

I'll be home around 9:00.

Okay. Have fun. I love you, weirdo.

I love you more.

Fuck. What the fuck am I doing?

Oh, my God.

Okay, this can be undone. Undo it.

This is, um...

Something came up at work.

I have to cancel.


Something came up at work.

Very sorry.

I have to cancel.

... And send.

Fred, are you in there?

Um, no.


- Hi, you.
- Hi.

Um, so I haven't exactly

settled on a formal cancellation policy,

but this is definitely not it.

You need to get paid.

I really do.

- Could you just wait a second?
- Yep.

I'm sorry. Something came up at work.

I had a...

Um... um...

It's a long story.

Here it is.

You are so not a Fred.

What do you mean? What's...
what's wrong with Fred?

I have an Uncle Fred.


Oh, my God. My scalp is sweating.

Can you see that from here? The way...

What do I owe you?

So what was your excuse to the wife?

My wife?

Your wife. Yes.

Um... Happy hour?

Well, you have a mini-bar.

I do?


So when did you know

you wanted to be a
high school counselor?

I'm not a high school
counselor, first of all.

I am Assistant Dean,
Head of Student Services.



Sorry. That's very different.

It's a big difference, yeah.

Is it?

Kind of like the difference
between prostitute and escort.

Mm. Okay, well, as clearly stated

on my profile, I don't screw my clients,

so, yeah, it is very different.

You can answer the question now.

I was kind of a hot mess
in high school, and...

Don't look at me like that.

This isn't... this is a true story.

I wasn't too popular
with the faculty, really,

and except for this one counselor,

and she was really great,
and she kind of saved me...

Fred, this sounds like a story

that you've told at
a few dozen barbecues.

Why don't you give me the real shit?


My father was a cheating asshole

in a V-neck sweater,

so my bullshit detector
is, like, wicked sensitive.

So you're an escort with daddy issues?

That's so rare.

Blow me, Fred.


I know what you were saying before,

by the way, about, like, your family,

because my family, also, was, like...

a quiet little corner of hell.

Mine was shiny perfection
right up until it wasn't.

Yeah, Mom's been on

the Geese 'n' Oxy diet ever since.

Is that something I should know?

Vodka and pain pills. Yeah.
I'll never be like her.

So instead, you just do this?


Just kind of like an emotional tourist.

Damn, Fred. That's...
that's pretty good, actually.

I'm Jack, by the way.

I can't do this any longer.

It's Jack Trakarsky.

Jack Trakarsky.

I'm Izzy Silva.

Izzy Silva.

I've never told a client
my full name before.

It's a long handshake.


It might be the light beer,

the craft beer, the vodka,
and the wine talking,


I don't think that I stayed

just because you have a mini-bar.


You're not too old or too annoying.


Thank you.

I figured there are worse ways

to avoid doing a sociology essay.

And you are also unhideous.

You think I'm unhideous?

That's cool.

Do you wanna make out?

Shit. Sorry.


I sound crazy.

I promise I won't boil your rabbit.

I don't have a rabbit, so you can't.

I have a pug.

Who boils a pug?

I'm not a monster.

Do you have a cat, though?

No, I don't have a cat.


oh, shit.

We're... we're over.

I'm sorry. I should...

Thank you.

So I guess you better make
a move on me now, right?

That's the hole in your game,
isn't that what you said?

Show me what you got.



I mean, come on,

we're never gonna see
each other again, right?

Okay. Okay.

Um... I'm bringin' it.

No. Don't say that.

It's been a while for me.




You're like a unicorn.


that's not what I was going for, but...

we can keep going.

No, I mean you're the rare
girl that looks better up close.

Like, the closer I get to you, it's...

No, that... that was nice.

- Was it?
- Yeah.

You're nice, I think.


- Fuckinay.
- No, it's fine, it's fine.

It's my roommate's. Keep your focus.

I'll pay for that...

No, it's... Shush.

I'm sorry. This is not...

That was way too far.

Jesus, I can't do this.
What's wrong with me?

No, you know, I...

It's all good. This is my bad.

The booze and the unicorn line
definitely factored in, but...

you know what,

let's take it back.

Let's pretend this didn't happen.

- Okay.
- Okay, yeah.

Shit. This is my wife.

I'm gonna go.


Hey, babe.

No. I...

I'm going to be home...

Okay, so...

All right. I love you more. Bye.


Are you fucking kidding me?

I came clean!

Don't I get points for coming clean?


I don't know.

You want fucking "points"?

You get points for admitting

to scarfing down the
second half of my panini,

not for confessing
to spending happy hour

in a hotel room with a hooker!

She's an escort.

Oh, great.

She's an escort, okay?

She's, like, getting her
Master's in psychology, so.


Sex was never part of
the agenda, I swear.

I made sure it wasn't.

It said it right in the profile.

You're a fucking idiot.

Are you...

figuring out ways to kill me?

Tell me more.

Tell me more about this
fascinating young lady.

It's not about her.

Oh, so you did find her fascinating.

I don't know. I mean...

That's well said, Jack.

Let me rephrase the question...

Did you like her?

Oh, my God.

This has nothing to do with her.

This is about us, okay?

Did anything happen?

We didn't have sex. We
absolutely did not have sex.

That's not what I asked, Jack.

Did anything happen?

I want you to tell me precisely
what you did with that girl.

We made out, for, like, a brief time...

and then I snapped out of it,

and I... and that was it, it was over.

Show me.

Show you what?

I want to see her.

Honey, that's not a good idea.

Show me.

Are you serious?

Do it.

I think maybe we should talk about this.

Do it.

I made him show me what she looked like.

And did he?



Was she a total skeeze?


she looks...

exactly like what she is...

a grad student from Colorado.

Look at her skin.

Make it bigger.

It's perfect.

Do you ever see that movie "Mask"

with Eric Stoltz in the '80s?

It's like a Doppelganger.
Turn it away. Please.

You're a good friend.

I try.

I hate her!

- You wish he hadn't told you?
- I don't know.


I mean, it's worse than if
he just fucked her, right?

He met up with her, he liked her,

he confided in her...

he made out with her... they made out.

We don't make out anymore.

It's so...


He practically sprinted home
to confess at your bedside.

I mean, who does that, right?

Oh, fuck.

He took relationship advice
from his loser brother?

Was John Mayer out of the country?

So what are you gonna do?

So which one of you
lovely ladies is Lola?


Okay, Lola...

tell me something about yourself.

What're you into?

What's... what's... What's your jam?

What's my jam?

I don't know.


Can I be honest with you?

I'm a little drunk.

No shit. Really?

Okay, but here's the thing...

I usually... I usually get drunk,

because I get so nervous
before these things,

but you are my first lady date,

so I got, like, double...

double super nervous.

Well, you're doing well.

Wow, you are really pretty.


For my age?

And very angry.

Are you shrinking me now, Izzy?

Wait. What? How did you...

Never mind.

Do you ever read a book

and you know exactly
what's on the next page?

There are zero surprises...

you know,

and you think, "I
must've read this before."

But... no way, because it just came out.

I'm gonna go.

I helped make this mess,

and I'm gonna go home and...

What was that?

Oh, you dropped your...



Can you be cool?


A little cooler than that,

because you look like somebody

who's getting a foot
job under the table.

I am getting a foot job under the table.


Am I doing it right?

Do you want me to stop?

Shit, am I freaking you out?

This was Nina's idea

and then you said the thing how
you have no surprises in your life,

and that made me really sad, actually,

and have I mentioned
that I'm pretty drunk?

Okay, I'm gonna need
you to stop blathering

and look me in the eye.


Are you okay?

I don't think so.

But... but...



I just wanted to make sure...

Make sure you got paid?


I was actually... worried about you.

Oh, the venerable hooker
with a heart of gold.

Lucky me. Take it.

A, I am not a hooker,

and B, you called me,


My name is Emma.

Hi, Emma.

I'm Jack's wife.


Minibar Makeout Guy from last night?



Why would you do this?

He liked you.

I wanted to find out why.

Well, did you?

I mean, find out why he liked me?


Unfortunately, I did.

I like you right back, Emma.

So, I'm... I'm just gonna...





Are you eating here, or?

No, I... You know what, it's...

Interesting fact... it
turns out four out of five

Griffin grad students actually
live in this building, so...

Plus, I saw

your name on the directory in the foyer.

I've been pushing the button non-stop.


Can we sit down for a sec?

Yeah, sure.

I love my wife.

I really do.

Just so you know that.

And I, um...

She's one of the few things in my life

that I'm actually sure of.

Jack, I was your escort.

You don't have to break up with me.

You just don't call me again.

- Right, right.
- Right?


I like you, like, a lot,

and... we can't have that, so.

I don't know when I'm gonna
stop thinking about you.

I just really, really hope it's soon.

That's what I wanted to...

- Okay. Bye.
- Bye.

The reason why I hired you

is to save my marriage, actually.

I don't think

I'm like the other guys
that hire you, to be honest.

I came to this

with, like, really...

good intentions.

That sounds so crazy.

My marriage is in
this, like, weird place.



I really don't talk
about it with anyone,

but for some reason,

I feel comfortable
talking about it with you.

What's that about?

You're beautiful.


What's rockin' your world hardest,

my Pebbles' 'do or my thermal socks?

I thought that this might help...

in my wife and I's situation.

I'm sorry.

So am I.

What're you doing?

Can I turn this off?

What're you doing?

This is gonna take
longer than three minutes.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.


Although probably no more than eight.

Are we seriously gonna do
it on the kitchen floor?


I'll take that as a yes.

What the fuck?


Oh, my God!

What the hell happened?

You're what happened.

What? What the hell did I do?

Listen to me closely, Nina.

I quit.

Yup. I'm serious this time, okay?

I'm done getting tangled
in people's lives,

and if you try to talk me out of it,

I will snap,

like, go the fuck off.

Do you understand me?


Yeah. Roger that.

I'm very resentful

that I don't have a fucking
solid door right now.

You chose that room!

Stop talking to me!

What're you thinking?

I met Izzy today.


We made out.

After she gave me a
footjob under the table.

And I probably should've told you this

a long, long time ago,

but, um...

she wasn't my first girl.

Or my second.