Yonderland (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - The Heart of the Sun - full transcript

Used to expecting the unexpected in Yonderland, Debbie is captured and taken to Ninny village.

Your move.





Ha! You lose, again.

38-0 to me, yes!

Oh, dear (!) Are you sure
you're not letting me win?

No, no, no.

Rita, you know you and I
could never...uh... Hm?

Oooh. The boss.

Yeah, so you come in here
and then you...

Oh, Your Eminence. You caught
me planning. How embarrassing.

I'm sending
you the co-ordinates now.

It should be simple, even for you.

Why, thank you.
Do not fail me this time.

Fear not. I shall put
my very best agents on it.

Huh? Huh?

Far, far ago, the ancients
wrote upon the scrolls

that dark forces
would sweep our realm,

until only Yonderland remained.

But they telled also of a saviour

come from a distant world

to save us from the shadows.

With any luck.

OK, Danny reckons that I should -

Is he the one with the eye?
No, he's the one with the scarf.

Danny reckons that I should
put a showreel together

and maybe get an agent.

I know, it's a silly idea.
It's what I thought.

No, no, it's not a silly idea.
It's not.

It's just I didn't realise you could
get agents for - Regional theatre.

Danny's a proper actor.
He's done Hamlet, and Pinter...

and Doctors.
Look, this is his showreel.

He does loads of acting.

Yeah. Some would say too much.

Forget it. Oh, come on.

No, forget it. Show me.

I've got to go and drop
the kids off anyway. Kids!

Do you hate me now?
No more than usual.

Well, what if I did
a carpet picnic for dinner?


Debbie! Come quickly!
There's no time to lose!

Well, surely I can get dressed.

Why did we have to...I...

♪ Happy birthday at you

♪ Happy birthday at you

♪ Happy birthday at Debbie

♪ Happy -
Er...guys. It's not my birthday.

So, it has to be a specific day?

Ah! Wierd.

And as every year is the same length,

you can mark the anniversary
of your birth...day.

Thus the derivation!
Are you getting all of this?

It was a lovely thought though, guys.
Honestly. But I need to...

Yes, yes, of course.
Thanks as always, Debbie. OK.

Can I extinguish the fires
and make the dream real?

Am I still Blob?
A bit.

Oh, where's the birthday girl?

No, no, no, no, no.

It's not her birthday!

Pass me my robe.

So, we all go 'ta-dah', and then
I'll whip off the cloth, all right?

Someone's been in my en-suite again.
Two words. Moist...flannel.

Oh, it's too late.

You did it. Yes, the fillet
was right where Her Eminence said.

It was like taking a baby.
Candy from a baby. Is it?

And he's minion
of the month? Unbelievable.

Just imagine the war you could
finance with a few barrels of this.

Ooh! Uh, uh, a big one!

Very good, Jeff.
We'll soon show this Debbie

a thing or two
about who's chosen and who's not.

The last land will be ours. I'll get
a promotion and you'll get...

...threatened less. By me.

Oh, OK. Thanks.
Yes? Good.

Not quite as twinkly as I'd imagined.
You can have them cut and polished.

There's this guy, Kendal. He gave me
a really good deal on Rita's ring.

I said too much.

Very well. Bring this Kendal to me.

Of course, sir. They really
just let you take all this, hm?

Yeah, they didn't
realise it was valuable.

They even threw in the wheelbarrow.

What are they, idiots?

Not tonight, Flora.

Where's Kelly?
It's Debbie. Didn't she go through?

Nope, no-one in, no-one out.
Well, where could she be?

Wait. Look, there's a note

thoughtlessly nailed
to that distant relative. Hm.

Have borrowed

to ask her a question...thing.

Will bring her back.

Who kidnaps someone just
to ask them a question? Hm.

I mean, what kind of idiot would...


Let me out!

The hell is going on?
Who are you?

Dave. Tom.
Ooh, yes, sorry. Tom.

No, I'm Tom.
Are you sure?

Um...sorry, what was the question?
What do you want with me?

We just want to ask you something.
So, you kidnap me? Yeah.

What are you, idiots?
Well... Morning, lads.

Mary, I'm home! You won't believe
what I saw in the market...ow!

All right. You actually are idiots.

So...Kendal. Um...

..how's it going?
A few teething problems, I'm afraid.

You've been a naughty little girl,
haven't you?

Throwing off your grinding wheels
and buckling the shuttle plates.

Had to give you a little spank,
didn't I?

I think we're getting
somewhere now, so...oh!

Perfect timing!

So, you wanna give daddy some sugar?

Ooh...now that's
what I'm talking about.

Well done. Somebody's
getting new shoes.

No, you, silly. Stop it.

For centuri us Ninny folk have been
afflicted by endless stupidity.

Proper wallies.
But once in a generation,

once in a gen - genrenation...

once in a while, a clever emerges.

And it's his fate to read all the
books in the Great Hall of Wisdom.

And then become our leader,
the Grand Chief Hoo-Hah!

Not a wally.
Right. Hold on.

I'm just not sure what all this
has got to do with me.

Right. Well, this time
two clevers have emerged.

And we now not know now
who should become the Grand Hoo-Hah.

So, seeing as everyone says
you're so wise - A wally.

Oh, no. Hang on.
A not-wally.

We thought you could help
decide who's the cleverest clever.

Well, I would suggest an election,

but the cleverest
doesn't always end up in charge (!)

Right. Yeah, no. I can help.
I will make up a test.

Where are these two geniuses?

It's you two, isn't it?

What will the test be?

I'm going to think of
some questions. What questions?

I don't know yet.
That's what I'm saying.

I'm going to have to think of something
Something challenging.

Not like who can point to their nose.

He wins.
Yes! Yes!

No, I, you...I won, you lost.

Oh...yes! No, hang on.

Thank you so much for everything,
Debbie. And I'm sorry you lost.

No, you lost. Oh. Yes! No.
So, what happens now?

Well, he'll be given keys
to the Great Hall of Wisdom

as long as he's approved
by the Sun Gods. The Sun Gods?

Yes. Before the anointed clever
can take on the role of Hoo-Hah,

He must recieve the blessing
of the Sun Gods.

Aw, that's nice.
And how do they do that?

Well, you see the sun? Yeah.
We're going to fire him into it.

You're what?

Debbie, thanks for everything -
Oh, my God!

Wait! There you are.
Thought it might be this lot.

They're firing someone into the sun!
Yeah...they do that.


Oh, yeah! -Ah...

So, er... tavern?


Are they in some sort of trance?

No, they just can't concentrate
on two things at once.

Yeah. Thick as two short planks, eh?
Hang on a minute.

But we've got to stop them.
They're killing people!

I know. The Elders
have spoken to them about it.

And what did they say? They said
they'd consult the Sun Gods.

Another one gone.
Worth a try.

He's not coming back.
No, wait, wait. Hold on.

Can't you see what's happening here?

Anyone who shows a glimmer of
intelligence is fired into the sun.

That's why you're all idiots.
It's like the opposite of evolution.

Don't you get that? -No.

Look, how many of the clevers

that you've sent to meet
the Sun Gods have ever come back?

My wife came back.

Isn't that her brother?

Oh, God. What have I done?
What haven't you done?

No-one ever comes back.
This whole process doesn't work.

I mean, what are you going to do,
keep firing people into the sun?

No, that wasn't a suggestion.

Let us come...oh.

Let us come back tommorrow
at lunch time

where our new clever, Dave,
shall meet the Sun God!

No, wait. I meant you can't
fire people into the sun!

Will you listen to me?
Please wait!

Well, you tried. Tavern?

Hang on. I might have an idea.


Listen. How long have you got
for lunch? Hmm...about 45 minutes.

Do you want to go home
and make a video? Yeah.

Ooh...I meant a showreel.
Oh, all right.

Erm...Yeah. Yeah, OK.

I thought you weren't
that keen on the whole idea.

Oh, no, no.
I think there's a place for it.

You're sure I won't
look like an idiot? Oh, Pete.
You're not an idiot. Believe me.

I'm telling you,
this isn't going to work.

Well, Unless you've got
a better way to stop these goons

from firing each other
into the heart of a star,

I say we stick with Debbie's plan.

Anyway, you're highly combustible.
If it goes wrong,

you'll be vaporised before
you know you're dead.

Well, that makes
me feel so much better.

Bye-bye. Bye.

Where've you been? I've just been
home to make a video with the wife.

Hoo-Hah, Hoo-Hah.

What was the secret word
I was supposed to say

to warn you if someone was coming?

Someone's coming.

Hoo-Hah, Hoo-Hah,


Hoo-Hah, Hoo-Hah, Hoo-Hah, Hoo-Hah,
Hoo-Hah. Hoo-Hah, Hoo-Hah -

Can I just take this
opportunity to say that I...

I have an idea. Why don't you
be the stick? Don't be a baby.

You're quite right, Mr Havelock.
The view is breathtaking.

Oh...I'm pleased you think so,
Miss Fanshaw.

You see, I've been searching for the
perfect moment to ask you something.

Miss Fanshaw...Rachel. Oh!



Oh, good.



Go again, please!

The temple of the Sun Gods.

It's beautiful.

"What's in the box?

Yup, that's -
I am Argos the Sun God."

The Sun-God!

"You have, like so many before you,
travelled far to seek our approval."

Yes. I was fired from the mighty -

"But all have fallen short until

You must go from this place
and return to your world

with the blessing
of the Gods, my son."

I'm to be the Hoo-Hah?

"But never again can your people
seek our help."

"You must dismantle the sun-cannon,

for you shall no longer
need our counsel."

But...how will we -
"Instead you will throw open

the doors
of the Great Hall of Wisdom,

and all your people
will learn from the books therein.

Let wisdom and knowledge
be your guiding light.

Go now from this place
and do mine bidding.

For the age of enlightenment
is upon you."

Yes. Yes!


"It just feels a bit big.
I mean, the writing's great, Debs.

I could do one of my Shakespeares
for safety?

To be or not to be -"

Fine, thanks. Yourself?

Oh, the thing.

Yes. My minions found the
Ninny village and as you predicted

they just handed over
a whole load of...

Oh. I come back.

So, you have the precious stones?
100 weight, Your Eminence.

Finally, a war chest for our cause.

Soon this realm shall be mine.

I'm having them cut and polished
as we speak, Your Eminence.

Behold. I felt it would be easier
to trade gems of such rare beauty.

Perhaps there is hope for you yet.

Oh, stop it, Your Eminence.

How long until
all the stones are cut?

How long? Oh.
Until you've done the rest.

Oh. I - I did say
there'd be some wastage.

How much wastage?
The rest.

100 weight of precious stones,
and this is it?

What can I say? She's a fussy girl.

You incompetent fool!

You incompetent fool!
Don't listen to him!

No, you. You cretin.


Feed him in there.

Oh, no, no. No, no. Hold on.
Please! Please!

Oh, hi, Neil!

I'm working.
Oh, my final embrace!

Oh, she squeeze so tightly!

What a world, what a world,
what a world.

He was wierd, right?
Oh, yeah. So wierd.

Right then. Let's do this.
Roger that.


I'm trying to get back to...

And lo,
Ninny David did return

from the heart of the sun.

And spake unto his peoples the
teachings of The Great God I Am 30.

In accordance
with his proclamations,

the sun-cannon was unmade.

And the doors to the Great
Temple of Wisdom were thrown open.

From Monday to Friday,
with a half day on Saturday.

And with knowledge now
as their ally,

the great ignorance and walliness

that had long plagued Ninny-kind

was replaced
with blessed illumination.


With the writings as their guide,

the trappings of stupidity

were consigned to the throwing
things away bucket of history.

turning their non-evolution

into the exact opposite.


And things got generally better.

Mary, I'm home! Finally.

You. Those stones you gave us.

We need some more, pronto.

Right you are.

How would you like to pay for those?

Don't tell me...Debbie!

This won't go down well.

Oh, yeah. Darren saw my showreel.

He said it was
absolute...ly brilliant.

Really bold, he said. Original.

Yeah. Reckons I might get to play
Zeus if we do that Greek thing.

Well, that's great. That's really -

I am Argos the Sun God.

And I demand...

Yeah. Maybe not.
No, no. Pete.

Leave the hat on.