Yonderland (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - The Idiot King - full transcript

♪ The Conga

♪ The Chosen One is gone, yeah!

♪ Do-do-do

♪ The Chosen One is gone, yeah!

♪ Do-do-do!

♪ The Chosen One is gone, yeah!

Yeah, I've got a pretty big budget
to play with.

Got soft-close doors, underfloor

Pit of Eternal Despair, so...
# The Chosen One is gone, yeah!

That'll be the boss.

Anyone wanna see what
fawning praise looks like?

Yeah! Strap in for the ride.

Yo! I know what you're gonna say,
but there's no need to thank me.

I'm just doing my job. Imbecile!

Problem? The portal was not closed,
you incompetent fool.

Debbie has returned.

Far, far ago, the Ancients
wrote upon the scrolls

that dark forces would sweep our

until only Yonderland remained.

But they told also of

'A saviour, come from a distant
world, to save us from the shadows,'

it says here.

That's impossible.
My minions saw her.

They were wrong. You were wrong.

And you know what happens to those
who fail me.

She has been summoned to
the Chamber of Elders.

Find our her aim there

and ensure she does not achieve it.

But the Chamber of Elders is open
only to the most trusted few.

To gain access would require a plan
of unimaginable guile and cunning.

You'll think of something.


And one deep pan Hawaiian.

Deep pan Hawaiian.

Five garlic breads. Huh?

To share. Oh.

Oh, yes. A special introductory

Two for the price of...none.

That is a good deal.

The Chosen One!
ALL: The Chosen One!

Argh! Are we still doing that?

(GRUNTS) Ooh, love the hands but,
then, I love hands.

They're gloves, I was cleaning the

Which you promised me at least once
a week to do, which I never get,

cos there's always urgent news that
needs my immediate attention.

Debbie, we have urgent news that
needs your immediate attention.

A great gift has been bestowed upon
us. I'm having the pepperoni.

Not that. Oh.

Debbie, we would like you to meet
King Bernard of the elves folk.

They told me of your great wisdom,
but not your boundless beauty.

I said she had lovely -
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.


This is intoxicating.
It's Harpic.

His Majesty has come into
possession of a most precious map.

I believe it leads to the fabled
tomb of Emperor Pang.

Lakes of blood were spilled in the
quest to find it.

The only problem is...

we've been unable to decipher the
map's cryptic code.

Well, let's have a look, then.

We believe the big blue area
represents the sky.

No, that..that's the sea. Oh, yes.

Which is why it meets that green

Land. Oh!

Of course. How else could it
support those giant snakes?

Roads. Oh!

But where's the tomb?

Well, the X marks the spot.
ALL: Oh!

We thought it stood for X-tra

Of course you did. Perhaps Debbie
should come with me.

I mean, I'd love to,
but I'm cleaning the house, so...

You make it sound like it's hard.
It's menial, it can't take long.

Excellent. The Elf will do it.

Hang on. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Great.
All yours.

What's so special about this tomb?
Treasure and stuff?

We would hardly have summoned you
were it simply treasure.

The shogun who surrendered this map
to me told me this,

that the tomb is being used to hide

Something of the greatest
importance to you, Debbie.

The Prophecy of the Chosen One's

The key to your very purpose
in this realm.

The second scroll.

One pepperoni, two meat feast -
extra large -

No, no, that's the food order.

So? I don't need to hear that.

Of course. (Idiot.)

So where should I er...?

It was a ruse, Neil,
to gain access.

Yeah, Neil, we're not
actually gonna make the food.

Get someone else to do that. I'm
quite good at curry.

No, no-one's making food. There is
no food.

Brilliant. You ARE evil.

So where is this tomb, then?

Sorry? Please tell me you made a
copy of the map.

Erm... Unbelievable.

Just when I think you couldn't get
any more incompetent.

Don't worry, your darker than

I have a photographic memory.



Oh, yes. Just like a photograph...

..of a terrible drawing. Mm.


We must gather our strength for the
journey ahead.

Will you join me for breakfast?

Truffles? Meat strips? Peanut

Erm...I - I don't mind if I do.

Uh-uh-uh, not for you.
You've got work to do.

Do I look like a cleaning troll to
you? A bit.

Anyway, I thought you said cleaning
was easy. Fine.

(GRUNTS) Where on earth did you get
that linseed oil, you naughty girl?

Oh, where are we?


Don't forget to pack my fur-trimmed

I want to look my best when I slay
the mega-dragon,

or whatever it is that guards this
scroll. Of course, sire.

What could be more vital on a
perilous journey into the unknown

than wardrobe options (?)

Do you always eat out here?
I try to.

It pleases my people to see their

Oh, what! He's on the balcony!

Eat my pie! Go on! Have that!

Yes, the quests are expensive too,
but I fancy my heroic reputation

earns me the love and respect of
my people.

Here you go! One lump or two?

Like that, do you?

They don't seem terrible keen.
It's just a few troublemakers.

The rest of my people love me,

and why wouldn't they, when I'm so

The clothes, the crown, this
magnificent castle...

I had to knock down half of
the town to make room for it.

Wow! And they all clubbed together
to pay for it.

In a way - I raised taxes.

They must feel proud when they look
at it from their humble shacks.

Sire, your carriage is ready,

but what with all you're what we'll
loosely call necessities,

there is room for
but one companion.

Then Debbie shall ride with me.

And what should I do, sire? Jog
alongside (?)

Yes. That's a good idea. Excellent.

Precisely the sort of repetitive
jolting motion

my arthritic hip
has been crying out for?

Everybody's happy, then. Huh? Huh?




I'm telling you, we're going round
in circles.

Halt! Cease!

Stop the mobility sleigh!

Where in Realm are we?

Should we have turned right back

Hm. We're definitely lost.

But, at the same time, I'm 99% sure
I remembered the map wrong.

So I don't ever think we weren't.
Great (!)


Your Eminence, how beautiful -

Do you have her? Very nearly, Your

We're tracking her right now. Good.

Do not fail me.

Ah! Very good, Geoff.

Are you picking up the trail?

No, I just wondered what it tasted
like. Oh!

I'm so dead. (GROANS)




Is that entirely necessary, Geoff?

Sorry, I've got a bit of earth
in my throat.

How am I supposed to sleep?

Those are just Hugits, My Lord.

Noisy, but harmless.

The only deadly thing in
these woods is the Vanthrigores.

They come down from the trees, dig
into your belly,

and eat you from the inside-out,

And they're completely silent,

so there's no point in worrying
about the noise.

Good night. (BLOWS)



Your shelter is almost complete, my

The treasure itself was guarded by
a family of giant Cyclops.

No, no, no, no problem at all (!)

Any other questing knight would've
gone for the father, do battle,

risk death, ya-da-da-ya-da.

Not me. I go for the kids.
Get them out the way.

Parents are wracked with grief.
They're sitting ducks.

You know your eyes are very
beautiful when you're impressed?

I think I might call it a night.

(You shall stay in my shelter,
this night.) No way...

..c-could I possibly impose
upon you, like that.

I've brought a tent. Nonsense, you
must share my bed.

My sheets are made of the softest,
finest silk,

woven by the tiny hands of orphan

I've got a sleeping bag. Production
methods are quite similar.

It's been a long day, hasn't it?
I know it sounds cheesy,

but I feel as if I can share with

It's like you know me. It's almost
like you can see right through me.

I wrote this song on a quest -
a lang tyme agoo.

A long time ago.

I didn't know it then, but it's all
about you.


♪ Oh, my home it is a palace

♪ I am Lord of all I see

♪ I have fought in great battles

♪ Plundered great treasures

♪ And been all that I had hoped
I would be

♪ Yet I feel something is missing

♪ Should've known it from the start

♪ I've ignored too long

♪ This longing

♪ That's deep inside my heart


♪ I'm a king

♪ But what's
a king without a queen?

♪ I may be rich and charming

♪ But it's all going to waste

♪ What's a royal seed

♪ Without a fertile field to

♪ Oh!

♪ He's the King
♪ I'm the King

BOTH: # But what's
a king without a queen?

♪ I may be strong and handsome

♪ But there's so much inside

♪ If you play your cards right,

♪ You can be my lucky bride

♪ Oh, finally I've seen

♪ Every king

♪ He needs...

♪ ..a queen ♪

I need a wee.

That's weird. It usually works.

I think you're a bit off on the

Yes, sire, that would be the
problem. Yeah.


Yeuch! Worth a try.



I need a wee.



Well, I can't go if you're gonna
stare at me.

Sorry, mate.

All right. You win.

Well, there are other trees, you


(GROANS) That's the stuff.


BOTH: Who's that?


BOTH: You!

Demons, wake up! It's her! (GRUNTS)

Yeah, I'm telling you there is no
T-minor. It - Guys!

It's Negatus, he's here! Quick! Run!

(GRUNTS) Come on! Come on!


Wait for me! This way!

Miss Fanshawe? Yes?

Rachel... Oh! (GIGGLES)

I brought you to this well, because
its depth expresses perfectly

the depth of my feelings for you.

Oh, Mr Havelock!

How oft have I made a wish here?

Always the same one. (GRUNTS)

What was that wish, Mr Havelock?

That you might do me the honour

Coming through! Sorry!

(GRUNTS) Whoa! Oh!

Mr Havelock, for a moment there,
I thought you were going to...

(SHRIEKS) Mr Havelock!


Straight ahead. That must be it. Go.

Quick! This way!

Oh, new faces. Mm. Been a while.

It's a dead end.

It's all right. I think we've lost

Yeah, I'm not 100% convinced about

What's she come as? Don't!


Oh, yes!

So much for the Chosen One.
Imperatrix will be pleased.

She'll have both her fateful scroll
and your head.

That's probably what the second
scroll foretells, innit?

That you lose and we'll win.

We'll win! What scroll?

Where's your sword?
I left it behind.

But you brought your guitar? I was

Time's up, Debbie. Tick-tock.

You know, I'm not usually one for
big speeches, but er...



..but I'd just like to say...

Flipping ow!


Forget that, stop them!

I've got it, I've got it, I've got
it, I've got it, I've got it.

Ow! Ow!

Motherfishcakes! Ow!

Oh, now, that is gonna swell up.
Oh, don't.


Oh, wow! I mean... I mean, this

Well, don't just stand there, look
for the scrolls! We're rich!

We're rich! We're loaded! We're
rich! What are you doing?

Look for the scroll! It isn't here.

How do you know? We've hardly
looked. It was never here, I lied.

He does that. What?

You mean you nearly got me killed
for nothing?

For nothing? Look at all this! You
can have some.

No, I don't want any, I came for the
scroll. Why did you lie to me?

Because if I hadn't have lied, you
would never have helped me.

I need this treasure, Debbie.

I'm going to build a statue of
myself so magnificent

that I will finally win over those
last few hecklers.

The armour will be pure silver.

The skin, pure gold.

And my eyes shall sparkle with
beautiful sapphire.


Right. That's not a good sound.

There's no way out!

What are we gonna do? Maybe if we
put the jewel back on the plinth...

Oh, no, not that! (SCREAMS) I'm not
ready to die. Not now, not here.

We need something to brace the walls

My pleasure! Oh, will I never feel
what it was like to be loved?

I thought you said everyone loved
you? Of course they don't.

Everybody hates me. I'm a terrible

I'd give anything to die with the
love of my people!

Oh! So much for the Chosen One!


Oh, good day.





Ah! Oh!

Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot!

Not there. No. Don't...




You're surprisingly strong.

I do a lot of tapestry.

Deborah, we should away before they
find a way out.

Yeah. Erm, thank you, both of you,
and I hope it works out for you.

Oh, Mr Havelock! Thank goodness
you're safe!

I'm afraid, Miss Fanshawe... Yes?

..that I lost the engagement ring.

Although I did find a replacement.

A fitting tribute to your...


(SHRIEKS) Oh, yes! There he goes!


Ready? Do I have to?

You said you'd do anything to learn
the love of your people.

I was going to die, Debbie,
I wasn't thinking straight.

Look, it's easy. If you do nice
things, people like you.

It's not rocket science.
BOTH: Rocket...?

Oh, it doesn't matter, just go. Go

I don't believe it. (CLEARS THROAT)

Oh, look here he is, on the balcony

This will be good (!)
All right, mate?

Gather round, peasants.
That's charming, innit (?)

(Maybe less of the 'peasants'?)

Gather round, commoners, and listen
to your mighty king!

How was that? Very slightly better.

I know that some of you think
that I am a...


Many of you think that I am a-

Tyrant. Cretin.

You said that one already, mate. No
I didn't, mate.

But I only ever wanted your -


I was going to say respect. Yeah,
well, good luck with that, mate.

Can everyone shush for a second,
OK, and hear what he has to say?

Ooh! Shush-shush-shush (!)

I've got to know him, over the past
few days. Oh, right? I bet you have.

He's not evil.
He's just a bit of a -

Cretin, innit? A twit.

Yes, good word.

Carry on. They're listening.
Go on. Quick. OK.

(CLEARS THROAT) I only wanted to be
a great king, you know,

and I thought that castles and
monuments and statues

would make you think that I was.

But I realise now that I cannot buy
your love.

Which is why I've decided to give
you this treasure.

What? What?



Oh, yeah. Is that it? That's a
game-changer, mate (!)

Brilliant (!) Yeah!

Thank you, sire.

Oh! Oh!

Take it! Take it all!

I'm gonna leave you to it.

(GIGGLES) Take it all!

Yeah, look! Look at that!
Cheers, King.

(LAUGHS) Thank you, Debbie. This
feels amazing.

Oh, he's all right, isn't he, eh?

We love you, King Bernard!
What the heck?


ALL: King Bernard! King Bernard!



Only me, Debs.

I'm just changing ties. I'm dressed
like the client.

We've got similar hair and...


That's good quality, that.

Wait, wait! That's my stuff. No, it

Tat's my husband. My brother.

Hey! Excuse me! That's my dress.
Where did you...?

Hi, I'm really sorry, but that's
actually my dress.

I thought you were all about
sharing. I am, but...

Do you know what? It's fine. It's
fine. Keep the dress.

Oh, thank you, Chosen One. Come on,
let's go down the lake. Yes.

Oh. Easy was it?

Well, I had a few teething

Did you find the scroll? No, not
this time.

But we drive a steel spike through
Negatus' foot, so...

Oh, I hope that's as bad as it

For me? Sire.


Chamberlain, you never actually
thought that I was a twit, did you?

On the contrary, sir,
I consider you to be

the very pinnacle of
God's creative endeavours.

Oh, thank you. Hang on.

You're really sarcastic,
aren't you?


Oh, sorry, my mistake.


I spy with my little eye,

something beginning with M.

Ooh. M? M?

Monkey? Uh?

Can you see a monkey, Geoff? No.

Well, that's not the answer, then,
is it?

Oh, no.




It's a funny story, erm...