Yonderland (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Closing the Portal - full transcript

I just don't get it.
It's only an egg.

I'm telling you, it's giant.

And where am I supposed to put it?
Nowhere warm.

And whatever you do, don't sit on it.
Where are you going now?

Well, someone has to deal with
the parents. (TUTS)

Far far ago, the ancients wrote
upon the scrolls

that dark forces
would sweep our realm

until only Yonderland remained.

But they told also of a saviour,

come from a distant world
to save us from the shadows.

Apparently (!)



I'm so sorry, Pete.

It's fine.

I know you've been busy

No, it's not fine,
cos it keeps happening,

and it's not fair on you.

But I'm gonna make it up to you, OK?

Debbie, you must come quickly!


(Debbie, you must come quickly.)

Get in the kitchen!
All right, all right, OK.

So, this thing with the egg's sorted,
that's fine,

but there's trouble up north now.

The Snow Men have gathered
on the ice plains

and we're on the brink of a cold war.

You've got to come with me.

Great, let's get moving.
You will need gloves.

Elf, I said no.

Maybe I didn't get across
how cold this war is.

I can't do this anymore.

It has to stop.
Don't you want to help us anymore?

This isn't about you.
I have another life here.

Except I don't, do I, because
I'm always in there.

Take Sports Day.
I got you to Sports Day!

I missed the bean bag relay.
I...only know half those words.

I just don't feel a part of my own
family anymore, and I need to be.

Well, I don't know if you can
just stop being the Chosen One.

I mean, you've been chosen.
And there's only one.

We're friends, right?

Then help me. Please.

This is the last thing
I'll ask of you.


There may be a way. But...

OK, but last time. And I am not
dealing with this war.

What war? Oh, that! It'll blow over.


I said no!

But they would be perfectly preserved
to enjoy at a later date.

For the last time,
you are not freezing my family.

Then I can see no solution.

Would it help
if we cast off our robes?

Debbie, your fate

is to defeat the dark forces
and save our realm.

To turn your back on us
would be to ignore your own destiny.

I don't want to leave.
This place is amazing.

Pretty good.

And you all know what I think of

You said he was a...
No need to repeat it. Family show.

It's that I HAVE to leave,
because I...

Er, Wise Ones,
perhaps I can explain, if I may.

All right, then.
Leave it with me. Two minutes.

Right, listen up.

Oh, too far.

And they really said yes?
Yes, there is a way, if you're sure.


Oh,...good (!)

Now I've chipped a tooth.

It's a world of endless joy.

This is going to be amazing. We're
gonna have a proper date night.

And I can take the kids to that place
that's like Alton Towers but crap.

And friends -
do you know how long it's been

since I went for coffee
with a friend? Two minutes.

17 years.

Stop guessing.
All right.

And no more quests.
I am so sick of quests.

What is it with you guys and quests?

Well, lucky for you, there is a way
to close the portal.

It's a quest, isn't it?
Yeah. Great.

Oh, get in!

She's going to close the portal.

Debbie will be gone forever and the
boss will give ME all the credit.

It's a win-win situation - like
playing yourself at strip poker.

Ooh, such sweet victory!

You lot, I want you to do everything
in your power

to help Debbie succeed in her task.

You can count on us.

She'll fail, oh blackest of clouds.

Hopes will wither and die
like crops in droughts...

Listen to me! Listen!

I want you to HELP her.
Do you understand?

Help her.

We understand, oh darkest one.

Totally with you.
She'll crash and burn.

Yes, Debbie will learn the true
nature of failure and then...


I meant success. What did I say?
Because I meant success?

Oh, no.
This is the problem with snailcam -

very easily distracted.

It's three tasks, really.
And they must be done quickly,

for three moons only align once
in a quinellia.

Oh, here we go.
Get a thing, say a spell,

put a magic jewel
in the statue's eye.

You must travel the length
of the very land

you wish to leave behind,

and gather the three elements -
water, earth and fire.

All before the three moons rise.

Only then can the portal be closed


What are you doing?
Just adding drama.

Oh, God.

Urgh! Ow!


Oh, stop moaning!

It's a brilliant short-cut.
Yeah, if you're three foot tall.

I nearly lost an eye!
You could always crawl.

And you could always find the path.
Paths are for trolls.

Besides, we're nearly there now.
Nearly where, exactly?

Our first stop.
The Sacred Spring of Gesundheit.

The water that rises there

is said to stem from the very centre
of our world.

Does it cure toothache?

Happy days (!)

Come on.


Welcome to
the Sacred Spa of Gesundheit.

Bless you.

We are the...
..guardians of the water...s.

I'm Debbie. Hi.

This place is beautiful.

..you, Deb...

Do you require a treatment,
question mark?

No, actually,
I'm a bit pushed for time.

Something about three moons
in a willennium.

I just need some of your sacred
water, if you can spare it.

Ah, that puts us in a rather
difficult posi... tion.

You see, the sacred waters
of Gesundheit...

Bless you.
..are not to be rushed or hurried.

Such subtle elixir cannot be herded
into some bottle

like a common cordial
or urine sample.

It is to be savoured, absorbed,


Massaged into tired muscles, maybe.

Or gently irrigated through...
..a grubby colon.

After which, a small vial
of our cool water is yours.

To take away. Complimentary.

We do need the water.
Go on, have a massage.

No! I'm wearing really big knickers.

Well, I'm sure they've seen worse.
Come on, you've earned it.

Boys, she'll have the works.

Yeah, but...m-maybe skip
the colon thing though, OK?

Wow, they ARE big.


And if it's not inappropriate,

It's inappropriate.
All right.

ALL: Tawit-tawoo!

We hope that you feel...
..rested and rejuvenate...

I want to talk about saying more.


Please, Debbie, take the water.

Guard it well.
Oh, I will.

And thank you so much.

Do you require...
..another appoint...

No, I'm afraid

I won't be coming back.
Because of the hose?

Was the pressure too...
No, no, that was fine.

It's just, um, I'm gonna have to
leave this world. For good.

Then we wish you the best, Debbie.

May your life ever be filled
with health,...

..hope, and...


I'm telling Mother.
Do you what you want, mate,

you normally do.
Why are you like this?


Nice place, eh? Can't find
a spa like that just anywhere.

I know what you're doing.

It was lovely,
but it doesn't change anything.

Never said it did.
Oh, come on.

Where are you taking me next?
Comfy Pillow Hollow (?)

Relaxington-by-sea (?)




ELF: Not exactly.




Home of the sacred fire,
and our equivalent of the clap,

so just don't.

Hey! Mwah!
Thank you.

Is it always like this?
No, must be off-season.

But you still have to be careful -
it can be pretty intoxicating.

There's this weird steam
that makes you...

Hot sausage! Look who it is!
I don't believe it!


What happened to your eye?

I know! It grew back.
Fingers crossed for the other one.

Magic times!

So what brings you here?
Stag do is what it is.

Oh, did someone mention the stag?

Oh, hello.

I thought you were already married.

Yeah, well, it er...turns out
that she was a poacher.

I don't want to talk about this,
actually, if that's all right.

So let's get a drink!
What are we waiting for?


Are you married?
I am, yeah.

That's a shame. A real shame.

Hey! How you doing?
Welcome to Ennythingos.

Ba-boom! I am Bombero.

Hi, I'm Debbie.
Debbie? I love it!

Oh, my God! So, first time, Debbie?

Er, yeah, yeah. I just wanted to...
Do it.

I need to...
Do it.

You don't know what it is yet.
Wow, you really ARE new.

Here in Ennythingos,
we do what we like.

We don't care. We love it.

Do we love it?

Ba-boom! You see?
That's the joy of Ennythingos.

All options are available to you.

Oh, so literally anything goes.

Right! Then it would rhyme.

I love it! Ba-boom!

Yes! You see, the only thing
that you have to do

is have fun.

No responsibilities.
No responsibilities?

No way. You do what you like.

You want to sleep on a plank?

Do it!

You want to marry a balloon?

Do it!

You want to kiss a wizard
passionately on the face?

Do it!

Well! I think I just got engaged!

So tell me, Debbie,
what is it that you want?

Um... I want, um...

Whatever you want.


I...I just want...

I want to go home, actually,

so I need to get
some of your sacred fire.


You want to take our sacred fire?


Do it!



Here we are. All yours.

You just have to go in there.

What's that smell?

I don't smell anything.
So, how do I get the fire?

Just do it!
I'll get your fire for you! Sure!

Oh, thanks. Are you guys like
fireproof or something? (GASPS)

He just...
I know. I saw.

But don't worry, baby,
I'm gonna doi t.


I'll get your fire for you.
Yes, please!

They're burning up!
No, no, no, no, no!

Nothing bad is happening.

They're just doing
whatever they want.

No consequences. No repercussions.

Ba-boom! Now you get it.

I want that fire.
You want the fire,

take it.

She'll die if she goes in there.
Well, that's good, innit?

No, you fool!
We've got to help her, remember?

I'm not going in there!
You'll have to do it.

What? Why do I have to do it?
Go in where?

Do it. Do it...

No consequences.

Do it, do it...
No repercussions.

Do it, do it, do it, do it!

Do it, do it, do it, do it!
..do it.

Debbie! No!

Jeff, grab her!
Come here!

Neil, do it!

Oh, this feels so wrong! Ow!

Ow! Oh!

I've got it! Argh! Argh!

Here's your stinking fire!

Yeah, you didn't want that, did you?

No, Jeff,
it's exactly what she DID want.

This being nice is very confusing.

Come on.

She did it! She got the fire!


I did it. I got the fire!
Only one more to go now.

I don't even know how I did that!

I know. Let's go clubbing.

And then get chips.
And watch Dirty Dancing.

Ah, that is tremendous.

I can't seem to feel a thing.

Somebody hold me.

Ow! Ow!

Ow! No, still need root canal.

God knows where my roots are.

Why's my brain got a heart beat?


The Kingdom of the Parvuli,
keepers of the earth.

It is said
they protected the graceland

since the very birth of our world.

Come on.

Are you sure?




Can it really be?


ALL: Debbie! Debbie! Debbie! Debbie!

Tales of your kindness and bravery
have touched our tiny hearts.

Look, she doesn't work solo.

So what brings you
to our humble kingdom,

oh Debbie of the glossy hair
and pretty dress?

I kind of need a favour, actually.

I need some of your sacred earth.


I meant to say please.

Why do you want the earth, oh Debbie
of excellent skin and nice legs?

I need it for a ritual
to close the portal

between my world and yours.

Because, you see, I can't be
the Chosen One anymore.

I'm sorry.

We are sorry, too. We didn't mean
to make your life difficult.

What does it matter if everything
goes all horrible again

and Negatus takes our home?

We'll get by. Truffle!

Fetch Debbie the earth she needs.


Oh, I feel really...
Debbie, would it be all right

if I sang you a thank-you song?

Oh, God, here they go.

Oh, you don't need to do that,

♪ Oh, Debbie, you came into our world

♪ And made our lives complete

♪ Oh, Debbie,
you made us feel so snug

♪ Just like a fitted sheet

♪ Oh, Debbie, you came to help us

♪ And now that help must end

♪ You may not be our saviour

♪ But you'll always be our friend

♪ Thank you, Debbie

♪ For everything you've done

♪ Thank you, Debbie

♪ You're still our Chosen One

ALL: Thank you, Debbie

♪ For everything you've done

♪ Thank you, Debbie

♪ You're still our Chosen One

♪ Feel not guilty, Debbie

♪ As you may have done enough

♪ For though you never
found your fate

♪ You showed us

♪ Love ♪

Oh, God, I hate them all.



Debbie, we have to do the ritual.
It's now or never.

Yeah. Let's go.

Thank you. Bye.

ALL: Bye.

She's all right, isn't she?

I would, mate. I would.

Well, here we are.

Yep, here we are.

Once we do this,
it cannot be undone.

Look into your heart, Debbie.
Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Let's close the portal.

The fire first.

And now the water from Gesundheit.

Bless you.

And the earth from the Parvuli.

It's beautiful.

Now, to close the portal forever,

you must cast Nick into the flames.

He must be destroyed.

Nick? You never said that...
Now look here.

I'm an old stick with a gammy tooth.
It'll be a blessed relief.

Come along. Finish it.

Nick, I'll never forget
the sacrifice that...

Yes, yes, yes.
Get on with it, will you?

And...job done.

We should report in. Come on.

I wanted to see the portal.
Oh, grow up!

Seen one portal,
you've seen 'em all. Come on.

Well? What are you waiting for?

Oh, look, she's having a flashback.


I can't do it.

I mean,
how am I supposed to leave this?

I can't complain
that I've never been to Paris

and then throw away
the magical world in my cupboard.

But what about Bob and the kids?
It's Peter.

They're my family. I'll find time.

I breast-fed twins,
I can make THIS work.

I'll just make THIS my "me" time.

I mean,
who needs an overpriced coffee

when you've got a tribe of teddy
bears that'll sing you a song called
"We Love Debbie"?

I believe it was "Thank you, Debbie."
But I take your point.

So does this mean you're staying?

Well, I'm the Chosen One.
Haven't you heard?

See? Told 'em
she'd never go through with it.

Bit of a close shave.
Gonna tell her you made it all up?

Hm, probably not today.

Your tooth feeling better?
Oh, you know, it's er...

Oh. Oh, good.