Yonderland (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - The Chosen Mum - full transcript

Married mum-of-two Debbie Maddox finds herself transported into a fantasy world.

The end.

I fear that this could be the end.

With all the other lands now fallen,
surely ours will be next.

The dark forces shall prevail

and the peace that we have
marshalled these past...

These past centuri
will surely be gone for ever.


- Wise Ones.
- Feet.

Wise Ones, I think I've found her.

One. Two. Three.

Four. Five.

Pete, counting to five's
stopped working.

Yeah, happened at the weekend.

You've got to bribe them
with chocolate now.

Guys, guys, one picture in uniform
to show you love Mummy, please.

- Well, I'm going to tell Mummy.
- Did you get one?

It's lovely.
It reminds me of Christmas.

Right, come on, guys.
We can't be late first day.

Come on. Move! Come on!

Right, I think we've settled which one's
the "Poohead with poo on their head"

but we've lost a shoe, so...

- Are you sure you're OK?
- Yeah, yeah. No, I'm fine.

- It's only school.
- Exactly.

Look, you know where I am
if you need to talk so...

Oh, no, no, no, no...

I know, I know.
I know, darling, I know. I know.

Yeah, but you're not
like Tina are you?

- No.
- No. Come on.

Is she a warrior?

She can kill when she needs to.

Any other skills?

Wrestling. Pretty good with a blade.

Some basic magic.

It's time to play What's In The Box?

She doesn't sound very impressive.

Trevor, you're a blob.

Perhaps she has hidden talents.

And five, six, seven, eight.

Maybe. But mostly it seems to be...

Good afternoon and welcome
to What's In The Box?

And shimmy.

What's In The Box?

It's time to play...

- Ow!
- ...What's In The Box?

Sounds like a very dull sequence...
of events.

That's as well as may be,
but it fits... it all fits.

Then... it is time.

Sounded good, didn't it?

- Very good, very good.
- It's good drama.

And welcome to a very
special celebrity edition of...

- What's In The Box?
- ...What's In The Box?

Jesus, Debbie, you are going mad.

All right?

Needs a sauce.

It's OK. You're OK.

Everything's OK.
That's the spirit.

Now, come on, Debbie, it's not real.

You're just having a breakdown.

Ah, that's bad timing,
cos we need your help.

I can't hear you.
Yes, you're answering, so...

No, I'm not. No, I'm not.

Come on, Debbie,
we're wasting time.

I know you come with me -
it's written.

- What's that?
- Shut up.

This is Debbie and Peter.

Oh, hello again.

We're not here at the moment,
so please leave a message after the beep.


Um, right, well,
the elders have sent...

- Hiya. It's Ruth.
- Oh, hello, Ruth!

I said "shut up"!
Who, me or Ruth?

I'm just checking you're still up
for Bums, Mums and Tums.

Ha, "bums".

Oh, and there's a new cushion
shop that's opened in Acocks Green.

As we prepare
to play What's In The Box?

Come on, Debbie, this is silly.
We need your help.

Question is - are you
brave enough... to open the box?

Please. We really need you.

Step into the light!


"Step into the light" - I was trying
to make it a bit more...

Could you step into the light,
please? You won't need the gloves.

Oh. Can I just check -
I have gone mad, haven't I?

I'm just here about the portal,
but maybe you're bonkers too.

I don't know - I'm not a doctor.

- What is that?
- Come on.

Wait, I need to... Wait!

Oh, it's beautiful here,
Mr Havelock.

It seemed only fitting.
You see, Miss Fanshawe... Rachel.

- Oh!
- The thing is, I was rather wondering...

- Yes?
- ...if you would do me the honour...

- Yes?
- ...of...

- Yeah?
- ...of...

What happened? Where am I?

- Well, you know the New Forest?
- Yeah.

It's like that,
but in another world.

- What?
- Right - you know the New Forest?

Where's my kitchen?
Am I asleep? Is this a dream?

Did I take Night Nurse?

Oh, well done.
You've freaked her out.

I freaked her out?

I told you not to speak.

What the hell is that?

I'm a magic stick. Get over it.

What do you mean, "a magic..."
Cheese on toast!

I had cheese on toast.
This is a cheese dream, right?

Look, you're bound to have questions,
but best to save them for the elders.

- What elders?
- That's a question.


10 days journey across
the most treacherous terrain

known to any creature.

Till they built the railway.
Been an absolute godsend. Come on.

- Who's that?
- Some sort of elf.

No! The ugly one.
She's going before the elders.

- Before they what?
- I should report this to His Darkship.

You report it? I saw her first!

Wait, wait, wait...
Report what? Report what?

Come on. Oh, and don't pick
the flowers - you won't win.

Needs a sauce.

Miss Fanshawe?

Rachel? Rachel?

Oh, Wise Ones! She is here.

Debbie of Maddox.

Cross out the "of".

Debbie Maddox,
we are the Council of the 12.

- The 12 elders from the 12 realms...
- But there's 11 of you.

Is it?

Look, OK,
this is much nicer than the one

where I'm naked
in a French exam,

but at some point, I'm going to
wake up and you'll all just...

Still feel like a dream?

Just a pinch.
Couldn't reach the arm.

This is no dream, Debbie.

The ancient scroll foretelled
of a woman - "Debbie of Maddox".

The "of" is optional.
The Chosen One.

The Chosen One!
OK, can we not do that?

"And, lo, the rift between realms
shall deliver Debbie of...

"...Debbie Maddox unto us

"by way of a 3ft-square
larder-slash-utility area..."

Look, hold on - I'm not the Debbie
you're looking for.

I'm just a mum from Selly Oak

who's having
some minor psychological issues.

Oh, no - it's the other one.

"For only The Chosen One
can align the fates

"and save the 12 lands
from the forces of darkness."


We await your teachings, Debbie.

What do you want me to say?

Why you are here.
You brought me here. You tell me!

Not really in my job description,

So you're saying you dragged me
through a portal into another world

to tell me that I'm "The Chosen One"

but you've no idea what
I've actually been chosen to do?

Well, that is written
on the second scroll.

And where's the second scroll?

Oh. How many times...? I was drunk!

I definitely had it
when I left the tavern.

The scroll tells us her fate.

Well, then, perhaps it is her fate
to find the scroll.

Perhaps if we were to cast off
these cumbersome robes...

Everybody just shut up.

But we must establish...
Ah! Fingers on lips.

- No fingers.
- No lips.

Right, here's the thing.

I have two kids to pick up
from school in... three hours...

Three hours your time,
but in our time...

Fingers on lips!
Fingers on lips.

...and in that time,
I would very much like to know

why my picture
is on that wall.

Sensible suggestions, please.

- Finger off lips.
- Cast off our robes?

Finger back on. Anyone else?

Ask the oracle?

Worth a try.

- OK.
- Yes.

Let's ask the oracle.

Fashanu-F'naw Goplatz-holla-holla.

Can't I just call you "Elf"?

Bit racist.

Hello, lady. Whoa!

Slippy fingers.

- All right, Brian?
- Susan left me.

Oh, no.
Well, keep your chin up, mate.

Wait, Debbie!


I'm not even sorr...

- Owww!
- Red seven!

Come on, then. Cough up.

- I've lost everything.
- Winner!

Oh! After you.

No, no, really - I insist.

No, I insist. After you.
No, no - you were here first, sir.

I think it was my fault.
You were on your way through.

No, no, no, I wouldn't...

Debbie, come away -
this won't end well. Come on.

This is an awful kerfuffle.

I feel like I'm being awkward.
I'm in the way, I'm in the way.

- I insist, I insist.
- You're not being awkward at all. It's my fault.

- I'm being insistent here. I'm being insistent.
- Here we are, then. Don't show me up.


Ah! Visitors!
So long since visitors.


Chair! Sit!

So pretty - so very pretty!

I too know the burden of beauty.


Oh, yes. Please.
That would be amazing.

What kind of tea?

Er, what sort do you have?
None! Cake?

Is this the same as the tea thing?
Yes! Biscuits?

whilst I'd love to spend the day

going through the contents
of your fictional cupboard,

we, um, actually need your help.

Yeah. You see, I've been
pulled into this world by this...

Yeah, and no-one seems to know why.

So I was hoping, you know,
if you are what they say you are...

A slapper?

What? No! An oracle.

Oh, no, I'm not the oracle, dear.
I'm merely his guardian.

Ensuring his health and wellbeing.

- Well, can I see him?
- He's dead.

- What?
- Hasn't so much as moved in my lifetime.

Or my mother's lifetime.

Or my mother's mother's lifetime.

Or her mother's mother's
mother's lifetime.

Or my mother's mother's mother's
mother's mother's...

Arggh! It lives!

Oh, that was a mistake.

Oh, speak!

Oh, that is so much better.

You'll have to
keep this short because...

Well, you can see the problem.
Every time I...

What do you want?

Well, there's this room
full of weird guys.

- Elders.
- Yeah.

And they say
that I'm "The Chosen One".

But they don't know
what I've been chosen to do.

So, any thoughts?

Your future is clouded. Not clear.

Nigel, darling. Oh, hello.
There's been a bit of a spillage.

I don't suppose
you've seen a cloth anywhere?

- I'll be in in a minute.
- All right!

Talking to the nice lady.

Where were we?

The path to your true fate
begins... begins with...

Do you know a John?

- What?
- Or Robert? No?

I'm sensing a Steve.

Or Stephen.

OK, forget that.
I see a black dog. Yeah?

- Have you got a dog?
- No.

Might be black and white.
Ginger. A cat? Could be.

I see a tall, dark stranger.

Oh, no. Come on, this is ridiculous!
I do!

Ugh. Bad dreams. What's happening?
I'm going home, right?

Stay out of my cupboard.

- Where are we going now?
- No, wait!

It is dead.

- Ow. Ow again.
- Make it work.

"It"? I do have a name, you know.

Debbie, please.

It's "Nick",
since you're so interested.

At the risk of repeating myself -

It doesn't work like that.

It takes both of us
to summon the portal.

Well, then, you do it.

But the oracle has spoken -
you can't leave now.

He's a fraud. A snake oil salesman.

But he saw your future.

No, he didn't.
There is no John or Robert or...

Then, with your permission, sir,

I shall split your handsome head
like a ripe melon,

strain the juices and serve them
as a pleasant afternoon tea.

What on earth?

As I feared - Gallants.
Polite to the death.

Not before I, if you'll permit me,

cleave your arms
from your well-toned torso

and use them
to viciously beat you to death.

Are they going to...?

Arm yourself, sir.
If you'd indulge me.

Oh, my God - they are.

En garde, dear fellow.
Time permitting.

Step aside, ma'am.
I'll deal with this.

Gentlemen! Gentlemen!

All this bickering
is no way to settle a score.

Now, what started this quarrel? Hmm?

As I thought -
a matter of very little consequence

and one best sorted in the proper
and time-honoured fashion -

You know the rules.

Oh, my God! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait.

Honestly, you're like kids.

Now, I'll tell you
exactly how this started -

over that door there
and who should go through it first.

Ah, yes. I believe I started it.

Oh, no - I insist that was my fault.

Well, we'll see about that.
No, no, no.

Now, I've had a very long day,
and I'm not going to stand here

and watch two silly boys
kill each other over a door.

So you're going to apologise
and everyone's going to go home.


Aren't they?

Well, I suppose it would
save on the paperwork.

There we go. You - say, "Sorry".

- Sorry.
- And what do you say?

- Sorry.
- Properly.

Good. That's better. Now shake.


Oh, my... Hands. Yeah?

This is good. All yours.

With this hand-gripping ritual
replacing our daily bloodbath,

for the first day in living memory,
there will be no killing.

Is this a joke?

Stopped a war, so they say.

Glows in the dark, they say.

They say she's the Chosen One.

Are you hearing this?

Lovely toes.

- What?
- Nothing.

Shut up!


- Um...
- Yeah!

As I have said...11 times now,

all I did was ask some people not to
kill each other, which is just...


No! No! It's not wise.

That's the point.

I-I just happened to stop
some childish argument between...

- Oh, um...
- John of Temple Meads.

- And, uh...
- Robert. Just "Robert".

...between John and Robert there.

- I helped!
- Oh, shut up, Steve.

Stephen in public.

And just because John...

Do you know a John?
Or Robert?

I'm sensing a Steve or Stephen.

I see a tall, dark stranger...

Excuse me. Excuse me.


"A dog, maybe a cat."

The path to your true fate

Oh, my God. Am I...?

The Chosen One.!

The Chosen One!

I've got to pick up the twins!

Excuse me. Sorry. Sorry.
Sorry. Excuse me. Excuse me.

You'll need us.

Excellent, excellent.

Well, early days,
but it's her, all right.

The Chosen One.

Please stop doing that.

Hey, chu-chi face.
How was your day?


Look, I know
how this is going to sound, OK,

so just bear with me -

but there is another world
in the back of the larder

and I think I'm supposed to save it.

And I'm telling you
because that's just what we do, OK?

So I want you to promise me now
that crazy as that sounds,

when I turn around,
nothing has changed between us.


Now, look, I got these,
but they're not peas -

they're called, um, "eda-mame"?

But if we're only going to have them with
sausages, that's probably all right, isn't it?

- Yes, perfect.
- Yeah?

Oh, sorry, love - what were you
saying about your... your day?

Oh, just... just the usual, really.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- Your Shadowyness, I have news.
- We have news.

Yes, but I thought we'd agreed
that I would say it.

- No, you see, we didn't...
- No, no, no. Hang on.

- Look, I've got a memo...
- You two.


What news?

She has come.

Who has?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd