Year of the Rabbit (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript

Rabbit is excluded from his team's undercover investigation of youth gangs and sent to investigate a series of deaths at and old people's home, leading to him questioning if he is getting too old for police work.

Tanner. If I was you
I'd put that bag down!

It's every man for himself these days!

Holy fu...

This was meant for Rabbit.

You can't be police!

I'm as good as any bloke in
there. I'm a fist with legs.

I have a little club for women.

I think you and I are going
to become great friends.

There's gonna be an
enquiry. Police brutality!

Guess who's in charge of the enquiry.

Run, Rabbit, run.

Whales' eyes!

Bloody big case of whales' eyes!

Lovely in bread, darlin'!

Someone went to work on you all right.

I got set upon by a bunch of
good-time boys. Bastards had dusters.

We made our own weapons in my
day. None of your shop-bought.

- So, what happened?
- Well...

.. it all started last Thursday.

You know what?

I can't be arsed.

Why don't I heal like I used to?

You've got a few years on you
now, Rabbit. Slow down a bit.

I'll slow down when crime slows down!


We have a youth gang problem.

I know, I know, we nabbed the Blue Hand Mob and
the Poplar Oysters and we thought "Job done!"

But that's the trouble with young
people. They will keep on being born!

Here's the gangs we're going into...

The Stepney Boys.

Known by their distinctive yellow ties,
their greeting of "Oy, oy, Malloy!"

and the look in their eye that says "I
really like crime. I'm gonna do some."

The Flower Girls. Flower in the hair,

flower-based nicknames, and a flower sticking
out yer arse after they've finished with you.

- Look out!
- The rest is in the bumf.

Mabel, deploy bumf.

Nah, I don't need none of that.
Just put me in the gangs, Guv,

and I'll do the rest!

- What you laughing at?
- They're youth gangs, Grandad!


So you're an old fucker!

- How's your eye?
- Strauss,

- you'll join the Stepney Boys.
- Jolly splendid.

Two words that'll get you killed, son.

- Rabbit, prep him. - Don't send a boy
to do a man's job... of joining some boys.

And we'll need someone
in the Flower Girls.

Dad! I was literally born for this!

Sergeant Keith Carnival.

- You can tuck it in, can't you?
- I can, sir! It does tuck!

Then, grab a wig. You're our flower girl.

Excuse me, everyone!

Why get him to tuck it in when I've got a
perfectly good pair of tits and a for-real quim?

Whoa! No!

Females can't be police, love,

because males already are. That's logic.

I've met people who say that in the
future, there'll be no patriarchy!

Ha-ha! That's not even a word!

This is Ricardo. He'll get
you both into the gangs

in exchange for not going to jail
with a load of nasty perverts.

- Carry on.
- Hold up!

Why didn't you pick me for that Stepney
Boys gig? I've still got what it takes.

I'm 32.

32 stone!

Anyway, I've got something
really juicy for you, Rabbit.

- Deaths at an old folks' home?
- That's right.

Dying's what they're meant to do!

There's been more than
usual. Ten dead in a month.

Juicy, you said! You're having a
bubble bath! I ain't doing that!

You'll bloody do what I
bloody say, when I say it,

- until I bloody say don't do
what I bloody say! - All right!

Piss off!

'Hello there!'

Off up the apples and pears
to Bedfordshire, innit?

Let's go up the apples and pears!

You need someone to kick the Cockney
right up you so it don't come out!

And I know just the chap to do it!


Did you want something, Rabbit?

I was just going to say, it can't
be easy after the old explosion

and everyone coming up to you saying,
"Is there anything I can do?"

I'm fine, thank you very much.

- I'm just sitting here
on my sweet - Harris

writing a vicious little
report all about you.

Look here! Inspector Rabbit beat up --

I once saw a young chimney sweep
shoot 100 feet up in the air

when his master threw a tin
of wood polish in the fire.

The fucking state of him
when he hit the ground.

A holiday compared to what
I've got planned for you.

Good to catch up.

See ya!

♪ Oh, roll up, roll up

♪ Come and see the freak show

♪ We've got things never seen before

♪ Come and see the wild
man Covered all in hair

♪ We found him in the jungle
And his daddy was a bear

♪ And now you've got to know us

♪ Your friendly freak-show show-offs

- ♪ Show-offs
- ♪ Put a penny in the --

No! No, no, no!

This is the emotional finale!

We have to fuck them in the heart!

Am I fucked in the heart?

No, I am not.

From the top, please, Wesley!

♪ Oh, roll up, roll up

♪ Come and see the freak show

♪ We've got things Never seen before...

- Hello, Joe.
- Agh!

Oh, I thought you were the theatre
ghost. What are you after, Rabbit?

Strauss needs to play the part of an East-End
hooligan by tomorrow, otherwise he's cat meat.

That one? With two-dozen
silver spoons in his gob?

- It can't be done.
- Oh.

Is what a lesser artiste would say!

Rabbit, leave him to me.

I'm going to break you.

And then I will remake you.

What do you mean, it won't tuck?

I don't know, sir. It tucked last week.

Sounds to me like someone needs
to shit or get off the pot.

It's age. It happens to us all.

I was one of the best
tuckers on the force.

And then one day...

Dad? Dad?

Dad! Dad!

Inspector Rabbit. I've
come about the 'omocides.

I'm so glad they sent a
more experienced officer.

I'm not old, if that's
what you're implying.

- What happened to your eyebrow?
- The dog chewed it off last Christmas Eve.

Sounds frightful. Anyway, come in!

A man your age shouldn't
stand in a stiff breeze.


Here they all are, the residents.

Although I like to think
of them as friends.

There's Jokey Jane. She's
always making us laugh.

That's Baby, because she's only 72.

- She helps me.
- Not lost 'em yet, boy!

There's the Gazelle,

the Masturbator.

If you tie his hands,
he still finds a way.

And I think that woman
next to him is called...

- .. Julie.
- Julie...

Why don't you all say
hello to Inspector Rabbit?

Can they see me?

They like you.

You fit in.

Mr Brown wore his crown

upside down around the town.

Piss poor.

No, no, no, no, no! Like this...



Brown bread.

Brown bread.


Wider! You're a slum boy!

- Town.
- Taaahn.


- Tahn. - Towwwn. - Tahn.


Don't go easy on him!

There! But more bronchial.

That's it!

"Mr Brahn wore his crahn
upside dahn around the tahn."

My dear boy,

I think you might be ready!

- Splendid!
- Oy!

I mean fucking cushty!

I think you did really well.

Miss McKenrick, do any of your "friends"

leave you as sole
beneficiary in their wills?

These are poor people, Inspector. They have
nothing but the clothes on their backs.

What about the undertaker? Do
you slip him the backhander?

I do not. He does it as an act of charity.

Are they into anything weird
or kinky? Like devil worship

- or docking?
- Docking?

What is this docking?

Docking's where one fella
sticks his old chap...

.. into the... It doesn't matter!

What's down there?

Nothing. Nothing is down there.

- She comes in the night! - Aye, aye,
aye! - The angel of death! - Angel of what?

But I'm ready for the scythe.

Look, Inspector,

I made it easy for her!

Very nice.

Better look for this
angel, then, hadn't I?

- (That guy over there...)
- Oy, oy, Malloy.

Oy, oy, Malloy.

Ricardo says you're good.

He says you've got in the bollocks.

I'm what you need, pal. I'll cut a
fucker's nose as soon as look at him,

and then I scoff it just for shits!

That's the chutney.

All right, girls?

Let's have a wonk at your Aprils, lass.

I'm dead behind the eyes
because I'm such a massive crim.

If you're gonna be a Flower Girl,

know this...

If I send you to get the crumble,
you bring me all the crumble.

- Comprende?
- Totally.

And by crumble, do you mean money?

I like you.

Let's hope, for the sake
of your pretty pumpkin,

it stays that way.

So, what we shifting, shooters, 'orses?

No, no, no. Bodies.


- Bodies?
- It's nasty work, body-snatching.

Rats eating faces while
maggots eat the rats.

Have you got the guts to steal human guts?

When do I start?

Soon, girl.

Very soon!


- What are you doing, Inspector?
- I'm waiting for the angel of death.

And when I find her,
I'll cuff the bastard.

You'll wait snugger with a
blanket over your knees.

- We don't want you to catch a chill.
- Leave it out! I know what you're doing!

You're making me one of them. Old.

I'm not old. I'm young.

And I'm full of spunk and beans.

Oh, Mr Rabbit,

I think you're nearer the
end than the beginning.

Fuck this!

Well, that was easy as you like!
Cheeky little grave-rob! Get in!

Hold up! Hold up! Hold up!

Let's eye the goods.

The doctor's give us a
bonus for a nice fresh one.


Po-bleeding-tatoes? Po-fucking-ta-fucking-toes?

Someone sneaked in and took our body
when we were on our digging break!

Moonlight robbery! State of that!

I smell Flower Girls! They must be close.

Right, find them, lads! Find them!

Come on, let's have it!

Quiet, girls. And careful with the stiff.

We're body snatchers, not body scratchers!

Shouldn't this have a left arm?

Shit! It must've come off by the grave!

- I'll get it.
- Ricardo was right!

You've got big balls for a girl.



Police, I say! Who goes there?
"What's it to you, copper?"

You're coming down the cells, you
bounder! "Ah, shove it up yer, Aris, pig!"

Oof! Ugh!

And then Ernie said,

"Well done, me old son, you battered that
like an 'addock! You're a Stepney Boy now!"

And I got my flower

and my very own gang name. I'm Marigold.

I'm very happy for you both, I really am.

Well, we must dash. Ooh, Gwen!

If I ever need to bring the
boys here, I'm called Knuckles.

Knuckles. Got it.

I don't think I'll bring my lot here.

They like classy places.

Sorry, that came out wrong.


You've been glued to that
chair all day, Rabbit.

Ain't you meant to be up at Witch Hazel?

I can't go back, Gwen. There's
one killer no cop can catch

and that's time.

Time's coming for me,

like poison ivy growing up my weasel.

Get back up there. Solve the case.

Maybe one day I'll end
up in a place like that.

Gwen, as long as there
is a hole in my arse,

I promise you, you will
never end your days

in a haunted armpit like that.

I'll strangle you first.

You're a good friend to me, Rabbit.

I'm back! And I want some answers!

The angel of death?


You've had a fall, Inspector.

But I'll look after you.

Just rest now.

My 'ead's throbbing!

As a special treat,

why don't you have your
bedtime cocoa early?

- Drink your cocoa, Inspector.
- No.

Drink your cocoa.


Arse! Arse!

Only the best for Knuckles.

- Cheers, Gwen!
- Anything else, just ask, Knuckles.

I hope you enjoy them, Knuckles. I
know your name's Knuckles, Knuckles.

The Flower Girls have crossed a line.

Grave-robbers don't rob grave-robbers.
It's a sin with grave consequences.


We're gonna settle this with a fight.

Two in the ring, one leaves.

Winner gets the body-snatching
racket for the whole of the East End.

I'll put a pony on us. Who's our fighter?

It's gotta be you, Knuckles.

Apparently, they're
sending in their new girl.

Kills for fun, they say!

Drink up your fighting juice, boy!

It goes down tonight.

- Tonight?
- Mm.

- Tonight doesn't work for me, Chief.
- Yes, it does!


Yes! I'm so excited!

I love fighting!

It's gonna make this table
a bit thirsty! Y-Y-Yeah!

All right, let's be 'aving it.

Come on then, boys. Come on!

Sorry about the mess, love.

(I really do apologise!)

You look so peaceful, Inspector.

If you love caring for people
so much, why do you kill 'em?

I don't. I wish they didn't
keep dying. It's so sad.

I'll get you a nice tartan flannel.

Try to keep breathing till then!


- What do you want?
- Feeling dozy, Mr Rabbit?

- Yeah.
- Cocoa does that.

Especially after I've slipped
a glug of this in it.

Like Miss McKenrick says,

I help a little!

Come on!

This is not so cushty!

We can't keep staring at each other.

- But we must, for as long as we can.
- When the bell rings,

- fight! - And if you don't
fight, we'll kill you both!

We might have to make this look real.

Which finger do you like least?

I mean, they're all nice!


I've sussed you out.

She keeps bringing new
people in, younger people,

and you wanna stay the baby.

Do you know how it feels
to be old, Inspector?

Old and invisible?

Yeah! Tell me about it!

- Was it you that coshed me?
- You won't live to tell no-one.

Did you kill the others?

Helped them on their way!

That'll do!

I didn't drink from the mug

cos I ain't no mug.

- And how are we all?
- I'm fine. But she's a murderer.

Oh, that's a wee shame!

And you're not a murderer, but you're odd.

Inspector Rabbit!

OK, now, I've gotta go, but
get coppers and loads of 'em.

And one to nick Madam here.


- Come on, then!
- You come on!

OK! I'm gonna take your
earlobe. My count is a win.

- Remember to scream.
- I don't think I'll forget!


What? What?

- What?
- How funny is this?

Watching two coppers have a melt-up?

Coppers? Are you 'aving a bubble?

We know who you are!

The Stepney Boys and the
Flower Girls ain't at war!

We teamed up, secretly like,

and some in the crews didn't
like us getting together.

- So we put 'em in the ground.
- And then we dug 'em straight up and sold 'em.

But why bother to bury the... Do you know
what? This isn't the time to investigate.

When we both got a
recruit on the same day,

- we asked Ricardo a couple of questions.
- Didn't we, Ricardo?



Oh, the snoggy kill! That's a first.

We're next, mate.

We've got one hope.

It's not a very big one, but...

When I was told about the fight, I
pretended to have a panic attack.

- Pretended!
- Yes, pretended!

But all the time, I was scratching
something under the table.

Perhaps Gwendoline found my message.

Perhaps she found a way to tell Rabbit.

We have to pray!

- Who gets it next?
- You choose.

Stop! Drop it!

- Gizza sec to get me breath back. - You didn't
bring backup? - No, I thought the kid would.

- Just you, then, old-timer?
- If one more clever dick calls me an old-timer!

Go on, then, shoot me. Because you know you
haven't got the guts to fight me man-to-man.

Strauss, give me your scarf.

Yeah, I read the bumf -- "How
to challenge a Stepney Boy".

You knot the scarf...

It's like the fucking Scouts, innit?

.. and then whack him in the
face like this. Or like that.

Or how about that?

Come on, then, big boy.

Is that all you've got, is it?

I'll tear you apart.

- What's up, son? Doing a dance for us, are ya?
- What have you done to him?

- I'm all right, girl.
- I put a drop of poison on the scarf.

It won't kill him but it'll fuck him up.

Old-timers can still mix it up.

Who else wants some?

We're arresting you for
the crime of snoggy-kill.

Plus digging up all those
dead dudes. Come on!

No more deaths at the old folks'
home. Apart from those that died.

And two gang leaders nicked
for the murder of Ricardo.

Excellent work.

Oh, this is for you.

A police badge? Am I...?

Orders from On High. Said
to make you a sergeant.

Absolute madness, if you ask me.

That said, congratulations.
I'm bloody proud of you.

- Splendid!
- Well done, girl.

I'm gonna enjoy this moment! Take it in!

- When do I get a shooter?
- Bloody 'ell!

After two months' of firearms training!

Where's that bloody form?

Who's been in my bloody drawers?

It was here last week.

Oh, here we are.

Right, hand this to the front desk.

- They'll get you booked in.
- Yes, Dad. Thanks, Dad.

Well, this calls for a drink!

Any of you whelks goin' down
the rub-a-dub for a snifter?

Me, if you promise never
to talk like that again.

I went so far undercover, I hardly
know where I end and Knuckles begins.

I'll come in a bit. I've
got some people to tell.

It's been a good week.

An extra penny an hour for
the girls at the shoe factory,

and the tea ladies have secured
their first coffee break.

They need to make the coffee
themselves, but it's a step.

Best of all, we have with us

London's first female police officer.

To Mabel Wisbech.


Right, I'm gonna get on the chair!

I'm gonna get on the chair!

I love you lot.

Women coming together
from different worlds!

You're a scientist. You're a hooker.

- I'm an artist.
- Course you are.

And I'm proof that we
can move up in the world

based on our merit.

I mean, there's no glass ceiling any more

because I smashed the fuck out of it!

I'm gonna go for a piss, but when I come back
I am going to give you my seven life lessons.

There were five but I came up with
another two because I am on fire!


♪ Ladies!

♪ Ladies, ladies, ladies!

♪ Doing things for the
ladies! Ladies, ladies... ♪

Doesn't she realise it was us
that made her a policewoman?

We can't use her. She isn't ready.

She will be.