Xena: Warrior Princess (1995–2001): Season 6, Episode 20 - Soul Possession - full transcript

Okay, hand it over.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Why don't we just
destroy it?

You can't.
It's a binding agreement

in every sense of the word.

Ares made it,
only Ares can destroy it.

Our best bet is to hide it
someplace he isn't likely to find it.

The Ionian Sea is famous

for having caverns
that go for miles.

That's a lot of ground
for him to cover.

Come on.



'K.

Wait a minute.

If we can't destroy it...,

maybe we can disguise it.

Ah.

The old scroll-within-a-scroll
routine.

- Oh yeah.
- I buy that.

Wish me luck.

Good luck.

Our treasure-hunting days
have finally paid off.

Someone's gonna pay top dollar
for this baby.

[C.H.A.K.R.A.M
Centre for Historical Accuracy
Key Research in Ancient Mythology]

Excuse me?

If everyone would get settled in,



we will begin the press conference.

Please, take your seats, everybody.

Please, sit down. Thank you.

Take your seats.
Thank you very much.

You can... sit down now;
thank you.

Thank you all for coming!

Uh, we have a lot to cover,

so I'll turn you over
to Dr. Frederick Delaney...

of C.H.A.K.R.A.M Laboratories.

Good afternoon, colleagues

and... members of the press.

It is with great excitement
that I address you this afternoon.

A most revolutionary
discovery

has recently been made.

I hold in my hand...

a newly uncovered scroll...

of the life of Xena,
Warrior Princess.

Yes!

New scrolls means
new epidoses!

- Yeah! Season 7!
- Yeah! Season 7!

- Yeah! Season 7!
- Season 7...

Rob Tapert...,
give us what we want!

Deliver a new season!
A 7th season of Xena! Yeah!

Get off of me!

Please excuse that interruption,
ladies and gentlemen.

Please continue, Doctor.

This scroll...

reveals a new piece to Xena's life.

Xena...

was married...

to Ares, god of war.

Doug, we got tomorrow's
front page.

In the time of ancient gods,

warlords

and kings,

a land in turmoil
cried out for a hero.

She was Xena,

a mighty princess
forged in the heat of battle.

The power.

The passion.

The danger.

Her courage
will change the world.

XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS

Barb Binder from Whoosh.

As webmaster
of the official Xena fansite...,

I happen to know Xena
would never subscribe

to the subjugating regime of marriage.

And wasn't Ares
her most reviled enemy?

We'll field
all questions and comments

after Dr. Delaney
is finished.

Now, please,
let him continue.

The scroll includes a contract...

between Xena and Ares,

with an accompanying story...

which supports our theory...

that it is indeed a marriage license
between the two.

Now...,

the timeframe of the story

places it after Gabrielle...

and her evil daughter Hope...

seemingly perish...

after falling into a lava pit.

Hope!

Gabrielle!

Xena!!!

As we saw in the scroll entitled
"Adventures in the Sin Trade II"...,

upon looking for Gabrielle
in the Amazon land of the dead...,

Xena received a vision
from her enemy, Alti...,

which convinced Xena
that Gabrielle was still alive.

Gabrielle.

You're the best thing
in my life.

I love you, Xena.

This new scroll...

accounts for the missing time

between Xena receiving the vision...

and her finally finding Gabrielle.

Our story begins...

as Xena rides away
from the Amazon land of the dead...

with new hope
that Gabrielle is still alive.

Joxer...,

still in the throes of mourning
over the loss of Gabrielle...,

taken to drink.

Oh, hi!

Turn that frown upside down,
mister,

it's a beautiful morning.

Well, Xena, in case you didn't notice,

I'm in a different
kind of mourning.

Oh... How many have you had?

Just...

two.

All right,
it's time for you to sober up;

you don't want Gabrielle
seeing you this way.

She's alive.

- How do you know?
- I had a vision.

Oh.

You had a vision...

She had a vision!

You know, Xena..., the Nile...

ain't just a river in Europe.

- The Nile's in Africa.
- It's that long?

- Joxer!
- She's gone!

Nobody can survive that fall.

All right.
If you wanna sit here

and drink yourself into oblivion,
be my guest.

But I'm going out to find
our friend...,

you big drunk.

Hey, I'm not drunk!

If I were drunk...,

could I do...

- that?
- Evidently.

If I were drunk...,

could I do...

this?

In Athens fair city,

the girls are so pretty

Just like Molly Polonius

Watch your step.

Ooh! Oh, I'm Joxer the Mighty

I roam through the countryside

With Gaby as his sidekick,

fighting with... her little stick

She ain't got no little stick no more!

Pardon me?

Pardon me.

Uh, Annie Day...,

editor-in-chief
of the "Joxer the Mighty" quaterly.

Yes, Miss Day?

Well, as one
of the world's top experts

in Joxer the Mighty studies,

I think that I can throw some light

on this new scroll thing.

- See, once again, it appears that [...]
- Hey.

That's that broad who discovered
she was Joxer in a previous life.

I have a point of clarification.

All right.

Well, I'm afraid that...

your version of events
is, in fact, spurious.

From my research,
I have ascertained

that it was indeed Joxer...

who initiated
the heroic search for Gabrielle...,

and it was indeed he...

it was he who pulled... Xena out
of the drunken stupor.

No, that's inaccurate, Miss Day.

From my research
on all the Xena scrolls,

I can assure you that Joxer...

never once flexed
a heroic muscle.

Now...,

please sit down, Miss Day.

Thank you.

At this time,
we'll take a short break

and reconvene in a few moments.

You'll find coffee in the lobby.

Hey. Hey.

How did you get over the horror

of finding out you were
that bumbling idiot, Joxer?

Hey, Joxer was no fool.

The guy they got to play him
was a goofball, that's all.

He was the producer's brother,
for crying out loud!

At least you got to hang out
with Xena and Gaby in a past life.

We can't lay claim
to anything that cool.

Hey, speaking of... the Warrior Princess
and the bard...,

what happened
when your boyfriend Harry

found out...
he was Xena in his past life?

And that your past-life counselor
was none other than...

his beloved sidekick Gabrielle?

They got hitched.

Decent!

Xena and Gaby
finally a couple.

- Wait till we tell
the rest of the fans. - Yeah.

But I read his scrolls.

See, I decided
to carry on Gabrielle's legacy.

I'm the bard now.

Go on, read it.

"As the innocent Gabrielle

plummeted to her fiery doom...,

Joxer..., the ultimate warrior,

watched in horror...

his muscles bulging
one after ano..."

"...and the light played
on his steely, sunkissed buttocks?"

Pretty good, huh?

Gabrielle, where are ya now?

She's gone.
And where are we goin', anyway?

Back to the temple
where she disappeared.

Maybe we can pick up
her trail from there.

Oh, that's a great idea.
Hey...,

maybe she left some breadcrumbs
for us to follow.

Joxer, Gabrielle is alive!

And you're gonna help me find her,
whether you like it or not.

Now stay here.

I'm gonna hit the ladies'.

Hey, why don't you hit
some kids too?!

Gabrielle, we're not doin' so good
without you.

But I'm gonna keep looking
till I find you, I promise.

What's happening?

Nothing that concerns you.

Oh..., you'd be surprised.

Ooh. Uh, picked up a little something
on Gabrielle.

- You're spying on me now?
- No, no, I...

I'm just worried you're still
holding out "(H)ho[pe]"...

Guess that was a poor choice
of words.

What do you want?

You don't seriously think

you're gonna find anything
in the lava pit, do you?

- Why should you care?
- Oh, I care.

- Trust me.
- Ares, you are

as much to blame as Hope
for Gabrielle falling into that pit.

Now, let's not go pointing fingers.

Besides...,

you might be on to something.

Gabrielle still alive?
It's... possible.

But you're gonna need the help
of a friendly god.

I don't need you.

Oh, admit it.
With my powers,

I can cover a thousand times the ground
you can alone.

If Gabrielle is...

out there somewhere...,

I'm your best bet
for a speedy reunion.

Why the sudden helping hand?

Well..., over the years,

we've caused each other...

a lot... of grief.

And I... think
that's because I...

couldn't express
my true feelings.

What are you driving at?

Will you marry me?

Come on,
don't leave me hangin'.

Will you be my wife?

How's this for an answer?

So you're saying
you need more time, right?

Um...

No.

Oh, so no...,
y-you don't need more time.

I despise you.
You've been tormenting me for years.

That? That was just foreplay.

Oh, that'll leave a mark!

Xena...

I'm on the level here.

I can't get ya outta my head...

or my heart.

Let me help you with that.

You know...,

the harder you fight...,

the more enflamed
my passion becomes.

What do I have to do
to show you I'm serious?

Die.

Well, sadly I'm a god.

I know!
A wedding gift.

Say...

Gabrielle.

So she is alive.

Well, I won't know
till I start looking.

And I'm not gonna start looking
till I have a good reason.

Come on, Xena.

Becoming Mrs. god of war...

is a small price to pay
to find her.

You might even enjoy it.
In fact...,

I know you will.

You give me one reason
to trust you.

Well, that is true; I do have a reputation
as something of a trickster.

I'll tell you what:

just to show you I'm serious,
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.

I'll marry you
in front... of the Fates.

What's the big deal with the Fates?

A marriage in front of the Fates
makes the bond eternal and unbreakable.

So that's good how?

To betray your spouse
is to betray yourself.

Ares couldn't harm me
or anyone else I care about

without harming himself.

But I don't get it.

What's he up to?

Takin' advantage of your deranged
state, obviously.

No, I have complete control
of my faculties.

I'm takin' you
to a grief oracle.

I'll give you grief.

You know, at least Ares is prepared
to admit that Gabrielle is alive...,

which is more than I can say
for you.

Are you seriously... considering
marrying... Ares?

I will to whatever it takes
to get Gabrielle back.

Yes.

Xena.

Xena.

Is somebody there?

It's me...,

Gabrielle.

Gabrielle?

Uh...

How could Gabrielle have shown up?

That defies the logic
of the following scrolls.

Yeah. Xena and Gaby don't meet up
until "A Family Affair".

What kind of Brooklyn Bridge
are you tryin' to sell us today?

- Yeah.
- Yeah!

Oh, where were we?

Oh, yes. Yes, yes.

Xena heard Gabrielle
whisper to her...

- "Xena".
- Gabrielle.

Where are you, Gabrielle?

I'm in your heart,
where you must keep me.

And don't bother looking for me

because I can't be found.

I'm gone.

Um... Just like in that one scroll
that I wrote that time...,

with the... when I fought that guy
with the big stick, and...

Just a minute, Xena.

And if Joxer wants a drink...

Idiot.

- Nice driving, dear.
- Thanks, Pumpkin.

Oh, that was the most fabulous vacation
since our honeymoon.

Yeah.

And I thought that nothing
could top that.

Wasn't it fascinating
how being in Greece

brought back our lives
as Xena and Gabrielle?

Yeah.

Except I shouldn't'a had
those two goat-cheese milkshakes.

Is my little Warrior Prince's tummy
still bothering him?

Home at last!

Trash..., junk.

Some men cata...

There's a letter here
from C.H.A.K.R.A.M.

What's it say?

It's a conference,
ah, blah, blah, blah.

They found a new scroll
in the Ionian Sea.

Something about
a radical interpretation.

It's today.

The conference is today.

If that scroll is
what I think it is...,

the world could be
in a lot of trouble.

Come on, Pumpkin. Let's go.

Ares?

Ares, I have your answer.

You certaninly took your sweet time.

I was weighing up
the pros and cons.

It wasn't
a very balanced list.

The truth is,

I just don't think we'd
look right together

- on top of a wedding cake.
- Just as long as you look right...

- on top of me.
- Don't get ahead of yourself.

Xena, come on.

What's it gonna be?

Ares, I would do anything
to get my friend back.

So, yes.

I'll marry you.

What say we skip right
to the honeymoon?

Wouldn't wanna ruin your appetite.

You won't regret this...,

I promise you, Xena.

So..., I guess we should
discuss China.

What do you want? The North? The South?
I'm easy.

I don't want your assets, Ares.

But I do have one small demand
for our wedding day.

Name it.

I want the ceremony to take place
at the lava pit.

Where Gabrielle died?

Kind of morbid, don't you think?

No, I think it's fitting.

I should be as close as possible
to the one person in the world

I meant to spend
the rest of my life with...,

as I give myself over
to the one person in the world...

I would never choose.

I know what this is:

prewedding jitters.

All brides get 'em.

Okay.

You can have your fairy-tale
wedding, Xena.

Well, I gotta go break it
to the folks.

Can you imagine?

Zeus... and Hera...

are gonna be your in-laws.

Just when you thought
it couldn't get any worse.

Ares, show yourself!

Ares, I, Joxer the Mighty,

command you to show yourself!

Hey, Jelly-Butt, get down here!

So, tell me why
I shouldn't kill you.

Did I say "Jelly-Butt"?
I meant, uh...

uh, "Buns of Steel"!

It's a good thing
you showed up too.

Showed up? For what?

Well..., this is your last night
as a single god, right?

What?

Your bachelor party,
ya big lug.

Ta-da!

Miss Athens!

Ah.

36-24-36.

She loves Greek mythology...,

kids...,

and hopes one day
all men can be brothers.

Next we have... Miss Mesopotamia.

Ah, an oasis in the desert.

Wouldn't you like to take
a little dip in that? Hmm?

And finally..., you'll fall
for Miss Gaul!

Ah.

Too much for the Roman Empire
to handle...,

but not too much
for the god 'o war.

Mm-hmm.

This is it?

Well, on... short notice; ya...

you know how it is.

Blow.

Am-scray.

Hmm.

You honestly thought...

that you'd con me out
of marrying Xena

with this-this...

fistful of harlots?

You know what?

I got a prenup to sign.

W-W-W-W-W-Wait!

There's more.

Savin' the best for last!

Got a sweet tooth?
You like baklava?

Here's three more layers
of pure delight.

Bite into this delicacy
and it may bite back.

And that's a good thing.

Yee-hah!

Who's my little bubba?

My little bubba?

Who's my little bubba?

Ka-chookie-chookie-chookie-chookie

Give me an A! A!

Give me an R! R!

Give me an S! S!

Give me an E! E!

Whaddya got?!

God... Ares!

Meg!

Joxer.

Who's Meg?

Uh-Uh-Uh...

It's a-a... friend.

- A very good friend.
- Yeah.

I'm outta here.

No. No-No! No! No!

Ya know what? I'm cookin' in here.

I need som'in' to wet my whistle.

- Try that.
- Thanks.

Hey.

What's with this whole cake thing?

Well, I needed a way
to earn a few extra dinars.

- Mmm.
- What do you think?

Banana cream, my favorite.

You know..., a classy lady like you
shouldn't be here.

I'm gonna take you away from all this.

You are?

Yeah.

Well, what happened to your
other good friend..., Gabrielle?

Oh, her?

Haven't you heard?
She's dead.

I'll drink to that.

Can't you see I'm grieving here?

Well, sorry, Babycakes,
but dead is dead.

Can't change that.

No.

But I can try.

Hey, wait a minute!

These cherries cost
5 dinars a bushel!

Of course, we at C.H.A.K.R.A.M...

were immediately concerned
about the authenticity.

We weren't interested in promoting
a hoax like the Hitler diaries...

or the fan fiction which pretends
to be based on legitimate scrolls.

We consulted
the world's foremost experts [...]

Annie.

We thought you might be here.

Harry...

and Harry's ho'.

What are you doing
at the press conference?

I'd like to see some credentials,
please.

Look, Annie...,

I know you're still a little upset

about what happened
between us...,

but you've gotta listen to me or
we could all be in serious danger.

What are you talking about?

I know enough about what happens
in that scroll to know how it turns out.

Well, don't ruin it for me.

I hate it when people
blab the spoilers.

Annie, you don't understand.

There's a very real possibility
that Ares might show up here.

Ares?
You mean, god of war Ares?

None other.

And if my instincts are correct,

he's bound to make an appearance.

It's, uh...

It's Joxer. Are you decent?

I don't know about that.

Come in anyway.

Wow. You look really beautiful.

Um... Despite the... bleakness
of the situation, I mean.

Look, Xena, is there nothing
I can say

to make you not marry Ares?

I don't know what else to do,
Joxer.

Look..., you don't have to stay
for the ceremony.

You won't be letting me down.

If you're gonna go through with this,

you must really believe
Gabrielle's alive, huh?

I do.

Yes.

Okay, then.

So do I.

Won't need this anymore.

I'm sorry I was
such a downer.

I guess we all deal with loss
in our own way.

Um...

Look, I know this... is
a marriage made in Hades,

but I figure we don't have
to abandon every... tradition,

so... here.

Something old.

It's a...

lock of Gabrielle's hair.

It's-It's weird, I know.

I-I got it when she got her hair cut
last time.

And I want you to have it.

I don't know what to say.

And, um..., something new.

I picked it this morning.

First bloom of the season.

Something borrowed.
Something borrowed. Uh...

Oh, I know.

My lucky rabbit's foot.

I'm sure it will bring you more luck
than the rabbit I...

chopped it off from.

I guess we need
something blue now, huh?

That's easy.

That's me.

Everything's going to be fine,
Joxer.

I promise.

You are absolutely
breathtaking.

Yeah?

Then how come
you're still breathing?

We have been called here today...

to witness the union...
of this god, Ares,

and this mortal woman, Xena.

The union which Ares and Xena...
are about to enter into...

shall be eternal...

and unbreakable...
by gods or mortals.

Any breach of their vows...

will result in anguish for both.

In the name of Zeus,
do you, Ares..., god of war...,

take this mortal woman, Xena,

for your eternal partner?

Yes.

Yes, I do.

And in the name of our mother,
goddess Hera...,

do you, Xena of Amphipolis...,

take Ares, god of war...,

for your eternal partner?

I do...

not.

That's a promise
I just couldn't keep.

You tell him, Xena!

Xena, you're... you're running
the wrong way!

Well, this is embarrassing.

Deal's off, Ares.
Let her go.

Gabrielle!

Xena!!!

Gab...

I'm coming, Gabrielle.

Don't tempt the Fates, Xena.

The honeymoon is over, Ares.

Xena?

No!!!

No!!!

Now you've taken away
both my best friends.

My only...

The only people I know!

Right?

Get cold feet?

More like I got an idea.

One that paid off.

You know, it always bothered me

that you didn't intervene
to save Hope.

She was carrying your baby,
after all.

Then you showed up

acting all interested
in my search for Gabrielle...,

and I knew you had to have
something to do with it.

I'd just have to play along
with your little game

to expose the truth.

So what exactly did you uncover,
Xena?

You saved me from the fall, Ares.

There's no way you didn't do
the same thing for Hope.

A wedding in front of the Fates,
that was a nice touch.

That way you could prevent me
from finding Hope and killing her.

But you didn't just save Hope,
did you?

You saved Gabrielle as well.

Yes.

You thought she'd make
a good bargaining chip...,

knowing that she was
the only thing in the world

that could induce me
to make a deal with you.

That is...
some detective work.

And you were close, real close, but...

not quite.

See, Gabrielle made a deal
with me.

In exchange
for saving Hope's life...,

she offered me her soul.

Yeah, you're right.

It is...

quite... a bargaining chip.

Unless we cut a new deal.

So..., I have...
Gabrielle's soul.

What could you possibly have
that I would exchange for that?

You want my soul.

That could work.

I let Gabrielle live...

but you must be my wife...
in your next life.

And I guess, seeing as how it was

one of those in-front-of-the-Fates
kind of deals...,

that would be... forever?

Eternity.

And you would let Gabrielle and me
live out this life in peace.

Okay.

Sounds like a deal.

'Cause you know...,

she'd do it for you.

Oop.

Thumbprint right here
on the bottom line.

Thank you.

That didn't hurt, did it?

And there it is.

My free-access pass to your soul.

And as long as I have this...,

you're pretty much mine.

Wait!

The other half of the deal.

I don't see Gabrielle.

Oh, I... let her go.

But you gotta find her.

I can't do everything for ya.

Oh, I'll find her.

Just out of curiosity...,

what would 'a happened here today

if I'd really been asking
for your hand in marriage...,

no strings attached?

Guess you'll never know.

Call me?

Xena made off with the contract.

She hid it inside
another scroll...,

the one I've been reading from,

the one that was authored
by Joxer...

and hid it at the bottom
of the Ionian Sea

to prevent Ares
from claiming her as his bride

in an afterlife.

Here.

As we know,

Gabrielle and Xena
were reunited in Poteidia.

Gabrielle?

Hey. Oh, sweetheart.

I'm so sorry.

And I am happy to say that Ares
never did locate the scroll.

We got to it first!

Look this way! Look this way!

First, second, what does it matter?
It's mine now.

Did you schedule
any celebrity appearances?

Well, we contacted Bruce Campbell,
but he was too much money.

Harry was right!

Matching the thumbprint
on the contract

is all Ares needs
to claim Xena as his own.

Where the hell is Harry?

Dear God, not again!

Come on.

Hold on, man.

Oh.

Sidekick and the comic relief;
this oughtta be good.

I don't appreciate being called
the sidekick.

Don't blame me.

Listen,
Mr. Harbinger of Doom...,

we're not gonna let you
get away with this.

Okay.

Hey there.

May I?

Thank you.

Leave quickly.

Help! Help me!

Hold it right there, Ares.

Xena!

Just in time.

I have been waiting...

an eternity... for this.

I guess...

this makes me your...

Heh! Ooh! Good God!

...soul man.

Once I renew...

my signature.

Over my dead spirit.

Yah!

Oh!

Oop.

Harry?

- Harry.
- Wake up.

- Xena?
- Hey.

Xena's soul in that body
for an eternity?

This I did not bargain for.

I want Xena's soul
in Xena's body.

All right!

Everybody gets
their proper souls back.

Let's try that again.

Now that...

I can live with forever.

Hey, sugar.

Oh, no, you're not taking
this body.

This one works much better.

To the moon, Xena!

Hey, I was just wondering,
Gabrielle,

what's it like to have the person
who gave up her life for you...

just lose hers forever?

You would strike a man
from behind?

Ow!

Wait!

Ow.

Workin' out the bugs.

Oh, baby.

Is that any way to treat
an old flame?

It's time this flame
was extinguished.

"Sunkissed buttock..."

You love it, right? Yeah.

Oh...

Oh, no.

I'm stuck!

Come on!

Come on, Ares!

Hey.

What's wrong
with the special effects?

Oh... yeah, they're really cheesy.

Stay right there.

Unfreakin' believable!

Ares made it.

Ares destroyed it.

Guess this means
you ain't got no soul.

Ow!

You might 'a won the battle,
Xena.

But I'll win the war.

Until next time, Xena.

Oh, you think
there's gonna be one?

Joxer.

Joxer. Joxer.

Come on.

Are you all right?

Fine, fine.
It's... just my head.

Xena.

No matter
how hard Ares has tried,

he has never been able
to break us up.

And he never will, I promise.

Yeah..., because...

What do you say we call it a day?

- All right.
- Sounds good.

You know, I liked ya better blonde,
but I can go with this.

- Thanks.
- Hey, anything I gotta know

- 'bout this new body of mine?
- Yeah.

Don't stray too far
from the bathroom.

Oh! Dear God!

What did you eat?!

Oh! Out of the way!

Subtitles: @marlonrock1986 (^^V^^)