Xena: Warrior Princess (1995–2001): Season 6, Episode 19 - Many Happy Returns - full transcript

- How big is it?
- It's huge!

Is it so big
that I can't carry it?

Nah, you can slip it in your pocket.

- Tell me!
- No.

- Ah!
- No, because then it won't be

your birthday surprise, will it?
You'll find out tomorrow.

Yeah, another year older,
but wiser? No.

Well, anyway, you can't
find out what it is

until after you-know-what.

- Not the pranks.
- It's tradition.

Xena, tradition or not,
no practical jokes this year, all right?



Not at all. Please?
Please?

Oh, you're gonna have to do
better than that.

Please?

Please?

All right.
No practical jokes.

Good.

- Hold this for a moment, wouldja?
- Yeah.

Ow. You'd think the helmet of Hermes
would be a little lighter.

I promised King Thoez we'd
drop it off to him for his coronation,

since we're going that way
anyway.

Does that mean my present
is in Thebes?

What is that?

Xena, give me that.

Huh.



I don't see anything.

Hmm.

My mistake.

Oh, Lorda!
Hear me now!

Oh, Lord!
We beseech thee!

- Protect us... from Feragus!
- Protect us... from Feragus!

And lest ya find us...
ungrateful, Lord...,

we offer you a soul...
of unmatched purity.

We ask that you grant us sanctuary...
from the warlord.

Almighty master!

- Save us... from disaster!
- Save us... from disaster!

Put the girl down!

You're interrupting
a religious ceremony!

Forgive me, Father.

Stop her!

Help me.

Pull it loose!

I commend you...
to the almighty!

It's all right, I've gotcha.

All right.

You all right?

Oh divine presence,

as you have made yourself manifest...,

take thy humble servant, Geniah,
to thy bosom.

Whoa.

These are spoken for.

Now, what are you doing?

Praying to you, oh flying one.

Oh, no, no, no. It's just a hat.

Look. I'm not a god.
My name is Xena.

- You mean..., I'm still alive?
- You're still alive.

- I don't believe it!
- Think nothin' of it.

You ruined my sacrifice!

In the time of ancient gods,

warlords

and kings,

a land in turmoil
cried out for a hero.

She was Xena,

a mighty princess
forged in the heat of battle.

The power.

The passion.

The danger.

Her courage
will change the world.

XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS

You can't just go around ruining!
other people's sacrifices like that.

Why would you wanna sacrifice yourself
to any god?

It's my sacred duty
to give my life to the all-knowing...,

almighty, to show my...

- What is on your eye?
- Oh, uh...

- Huh?
- It's a birthmark;

we don't talk about it. Shh.

Are you sure you're not
a god?

There's nothing divine about Xena.

If she were a god,
then I couldn't do this!

Or that. Or this.

- All right, you made your point.
- Okay!

Now look, Geniah...,
if your god was

all-powerful and all-knowing,
then maybe he sent me to save you.

Or maybe he sent you
to test my faith.

I'm going to hold my breath
and sacrifice myself!

Yeah, good one.
Now, listen, Gabrielle...,

- this kid needs our help.
- Mmm.

She's so blindly devoted
to that god of hers,

she's willing to kill herself.

Well, why don't we introduce her
to the gods that we know?

Then she wouldn't wanna throw herself
over a cliff for them. Hmm.

Now, that is not a bad idea.

Come on, Geniah,
quit goofin' around.

I got someone we want you
to meet.

They've, uh..., taken the virgin,
Your Holiness.

Curses me.

We must!... find the girl!

Oh yeah.

You're the biggest...,

baddest...

warlord this side...
of Athens!

Father! News
from the Zealot camp!

What?! Them numbskulls still think
their god's gonna stop me

from raiding them
whenever I like?!

Waste of a perfectly good virgin.

Not this time, Pop.
A woman swooped in.

- Ow! My eye!
- Dark..., beautiful..., dressed in leather.

She jumped off the cliff
and... saved the girl!

Xena...,
the Warrior "pain in my ass"!

But wait.

Not even Xena could survive...
falling from the cliff!

She didn't fall...,

she flew.

She put on this helmet...
and flew.

Must be the helmet of Hermes.

Son...,

I have a job for you.

Oh. What a beautiful spot!

Yeah, it's nice.

Nothing like sleeping under the stars,
huh, Xena?

- Mm-hmm.
- In the convent,

they locked me in my room
from sunset to sunrise.

Were you raised to be a priestess?

Oh, no, no; I was raised to be
a virgin sacrifice.

- Here.
- Ooh!

Make up your bedroll.

There we go. Now, is there
anything else that I can...?

Last one in
is a centaur dropping!

Hah! Yahoo! It's cold!

Get off!

- I can't believe you did that!
- Come on in!

- No.
- The water's great!

No, thank you, it's okay.
I'll just...

stay here and look at...
the bushes!

I have never experienced
such pleasure.

And so quickly too.

Oh, my! I've eaten one
of the almighty's creatures!

As penace..., I'm going to sleep
on the cold, hard ground.

You know, a better penance would be
to clean the frying pan.

Oh virgin one.

It gets cold out here.

You know, if the gods didn't want us
to eat fish,

then how come they made it
taste so good? Hmm?

You know, you should get some rest,
Gabrielle.

It's a big day tomorrow.

Stop, Xena!

Would you get your cold, clammy feet
off me?!

Gabrielle, I don't know
what you're talking about.

Hmm?

No... No! No.

You're not going to give up,
are you?!

I hope you know, Xena...,
this means war!

Oh, what a beautiful morning.

- Did you sleep well?
- Not particularly.

You know,
if you wanna travel with us...,

a few things I should tell you.

Never, under any circumstances,

interrrupt Xena when she's
having a morning bath.

- Gabrielle!
- Yes, Xena?

My clothes are missing!
Any idea where they are?

Um...

I think they're
right under your nose.

Oh, it's all right, here they are!

I, uh...

I thought...

I mean, Xena,
you can catch arrows.

I thought... for sure you
could catch a... a bucket...

of fish guts.

Happy birthday, Gabrielle.

This means
that we're even now, right?

Oh, even?

No, I-I think
we're just getting started.

'K.

Right.

So... this is one
of your gods' temples.

Yep.

- A pure and holy place.
- Hmm.

Ah...

Perfect be God...
and all God's places.

Perfect be God...
in all God's graces.

Boy, is she in for a surprise.
Aphrodite?

Well, if it isn't
my favorite girl group.

Geniah..., meet Aphrodite.

Yeah. Ooh.

Goddess of love.

Aphrodite.

Meet Geniah. A virgin.

I don't believe it.

I don't either!
I thought you guys were extinct!

But... the goddess of love
is an evil myth...,

told to rob women
of their virtue...

and strip men of their pride.

Well, you got the stripping men
part right, honey.

Um... Ladies..., am I mistaken
or... is it someone's birthday today?

- Happy birthday, Gaby.
- Thank you.

What is that awful smell?

Listen.

We're going to Thebes for Gabrielle's
birthday. Care to join us?

Thebes?
You got Sappho tickets?

What row?

Xena, Sappho tickets.
I love her poetry.

Surprise...

- Here, want some water?
- Oh, no. No, no. Uh-uh.

Suit yourself.

Thanks.

Goddesses don't drink.

Huh. Like you're
really a goddess.

Watch this.
I like that bag.

I have that bag.

Some sort of illusion,
I'm sure.

Okay. Watch this.

If you were really a god...,

you'd use your powers
to reward the faithful

and punish sinners...,
not do party tricks.

Well, I'm really more
of a material girl.

Xena..., can I just...
pop us to Thebes?

Nope.
I want Geniah to spend time

with an honest-to-goodness immortal.
That's you.

Come on, Gabrielle.

The sooner we get going,
the sooner you'll get your present.

Uh-huh.

She's planning my doom,
I know it; I can feel it.

This is gonna be a fun trip.

Come on, you unfaithful.

Wow!

So this is what the world's like.

Virgin in the city, that is so cute.
You come with me.

Here, Gabrielle.
Care for a bite?

Xena...

That's that forbidden fruit gag,
huh?

No, you probably laced it
with chili powder or...

arsenic...

or not.

Come on, girls.
We got a show to catch.

Gabrielle, look, I'm sorry.

I... don't know
how I could'a gotten the times wrong.

Xena..., I cannot believe

we came all this way
and we missed Sappho.

Just relax.

Here, have a drink.

No, no, Xena.
No dribble cups today.

Suit yourself.

Tell you what:
you look after this...

and I'll go rustle us up some food.

Xena could have taken
her bag with her.

Why would she want me
to hold the helmet of Hermes, huh?

Oh, it's not.
This is the helmet of Hermes.

Xena switched bags with us
back at the marketplace.

Did she say why?

Nope, just told us to hold it.

Oh..., really?

Hmm.

Hi, Xena.

I'm still sitting here,
just... watching your bag.

- Yeah, thanks.
- Hmm.

- Where are the other two?
- They went to freshen up.

We gotta keep an eye on Geniah.

Someone was following us
back at the marketplace.

The Zealots?

Possibly. They'll be desperate
to get her back.

Xena!

Feragus.

So... you remember me.

Must have made
quite... an impression.

It's on your belt buckle.

Huh?

I want... that... bag.

- It's not for sale.
- Who said anything about... paying for it?

Oh, you'll pay.

- Give me that! Give it!
- Get your hands off my bag!

Aphrodite!
Get Geniah out of here!

And take the bag with ya!

Duh. Like I'd leave behind
a new handbag.

You...

You are a goddess!

Well, welcome to the party,
Miss Fashionably Late.

What took you so long?

- Gotcha!
- Get off my bag!

Yah!

- Here.
- Thanks.

Xena, we have to go
after Feragus.

He has the helmet.

No, Aphrodite's got it.
We switched bags in the marketplace.

I switched them back.

What?

I thought you were trying
to get something over on me, Xena.

I asked for that.

U-Unless... you knew
that I would be suspicious

and so you switched the bags.

- I'm not close at all, huh?
- Aphrodite!

For future reference,
I'm now mighty Aphrodite.

My new disciple thought it up.

Your new what?

You were right, Xena.

It was foolish of me to devote my life
to some unknown god.

From now on,
I'm dedicating my life to Aphrodite.

That's not exactly
what we had in mind.

We'll fix that later.

Right now, we've got
some baggage to claim; come on.

So..., how can I worship
the goddess of love

if I've never even experienced it?

You're right, that does make you
kind of a poser.

All right. Pick a guy.
Any guy.

I'll take him.

Good girl, bad boy.
Oh, love a classic.

- I love you.
- And I love you.

Love at first sight...,
my specialty.

Marry me?

I thought you'd never ask.

That man's got our virgin!

What goes up...
must come down.

Since when
do warlords get company?

Father!

I want you to meet
the most wonderful girl in the world.

- Geniah.
- Geniah!

Oh, we're in love.

- Really?
- We're engaged.

Aphrodite.

Down if front,
I can't see! anything.

- What's the matter with you?
- You put a love spell on Geniah.

That I did.

And even as we speak,
our sweet little virgin

is falling... madly in love
with the cutest little son of a...

- Oh, well, then...
- ...warlord?!

...welcome, young lady...,
to my humble abode.

What are you all
standing around for?!

Okay, okay. Just... relax, you guys.
Calm down. I can, uh...

- I can take the spell off.
- No.

No, you'll throw Geniah for a loop.

Just follow my lead.

Frankus!

Hi.

Easy action there, fella,
we're about to be family.

Well, you must be Frankus!

My boy, good to know ya. I'm Anthrax,
and this is my wife, Spittoonia.

We just wanted to know
what kind of a family

our little girl
was marrying herself into.

Geniah, your parents are here.

My parents?

- But... my parents are de...
- ...dedicated

to makin' sure that you have
the best weddin' ever, Pookie.

- That's right.
- Oh, look at these two.

Like son, like father,
am I right?

Aren't weddin's
just the biggest drag to organize?

Which is why we brought along
a little help.

Belle.

Of Belle's Bridal Barn.

'Cause I put the ding...
in wedding.

Yes, you do, sister.

Now, we should start
by selecting the cover scheme, hmm?

Corinthian white!
Oh, exquisite selection.

And now, about the outfits...

Shouldn't I decide that?

Oh, honey, let's leave that up
to the experts, shall we, Pookie?

Belle, why don't you fix up
these two fine fellas with some new duds

while... we go and have
that long overdue talk with Geniah

about her conjugals?

Now, I see before my eyes...
harem pants.

- Aphrodite!
- Shh!

- Where am I?
- You're in Feragus' lair.

- Xena?
- Yeah.

What am I doing here?

Remember? I put a spell on you
to make you fall in love with his son?

Oh, that's right.

I wanted to fully experience
my goddess' power.

Just like you wanted to kill yourself
for a bloodthirsty god.

Geniah, you can't give up your life
for every deity that comes along.

It's true, sweet pea.
We're not all we're cracked up to be.

Well..., how am I supposed to live
my life with no one to lead me?

You gotta stop following.
Maybe you can be your own guide.

Geniah, haven't you ever felt happy
just to be yourself?

Yes.

These past few days
with you and Gabrielle.

Well, that's a start.

Now we're gonna get you outta here.

Stay.

I don't know..., it's a bit...

- girlie.
- Oh, no, honey.

Not with those shoulders.

Now, for the final touch.

The helmet stays.

So, I hear from Geniah that,
uh, you're in the warlord business.

Uh-huh.

That as dangerous as they say?

And then some.

Yeah?
You got any scars?

Here.
This scar?

Guy took out my spleen!

Well, who needs a spleen?

There!
Guy got me with a short sword!

Lucky it wasn't a long one.

You want scars?
Well, I'll give you scars!

Got this scar given to me
by Xena!

The Warrior Princess herself!

Let me take a look at that.

I don't remember.

Have to come to the light.

Oh yeah!

Why, that Xena really is somethin'.

She nearly split ya open
like a coconut.

You know what?

I think I better
take my little girl outta here.

It doesn't do for the bride to be exposed
before the big day.

Plenty of time for that afterwards;
know what I mean?

Oh.

Now, about my bill...

Okay.

I'm gonna put some distance
between you and that warlord.

That oughtta keep her
out of trouble.

That's her!

Please! [?] Let me go! [?]

Thy will be done.

Okay, where's the bag?

Geniah has it.

Where's Geniah?

Oh, I popped her back
to the marketplace.

She might as well shop
while she's waiting.

- What?
- Oh... Don't thank me!

Just doin' the god thing.

Aphrodite, the Zealots
are looking for her there!

- Huh?
- Robe..., altar...,

human sacrifice.

That was a true story?!

Dumpty-dumpty-dumpty-do.

Wait a minute.

Huh? Wha...?!

No!

No!

I knew that Anthrax
looked familiar.

Xena!!!

Worming her way into my lair!

Stealing my helmet!

I'll kill her!!!

Perhaps I could be
of some assistance.

Where's... the helmet?

Oh, you can have it back,
if we can make a deal.

I'm listening.

There's no sign of Geniah
anywhere.

- This is my fault.
- No! It's my fault!

I cast a spell on her.

Yeah, but I switched the bags.

If I hadn't been so suspicious
at the tavern,

- this wouldn't've happened.
- Gabrielle!

What'd you find?

This.

She's been sacrificed.

Maybe not yet.

There's a Zealot temple
two miles down the road.

I'm guessing they'd wanna do it
there.

Okay. So what I can do to help?
I can cast a spell...

Or maybe not.

Actually, Aphrodite,
there is something you can do.

Almighty master...,

we ask you one more time...,

take this virgin sacrifice...

and protect us from our enemies.

Zarat!

Xena!

Haven't you ever heard of...
religious freedom?

Freedom has nothing to do with
sacrificing Geniah, or anyone else.

And neither has religion.

This ends here.

We'll see.

Stay out of this, Feragus!

I'll deal with you later.

I don't think so. You see?

In exchange for the helmet...,
I promised Zarat here...

I'd take you out of the picture.

Well, since when do warlords
keep their promises?

Since I wanted to kick your butt
anyway!

What's the matter, Xena?

Losing your touch?

Touch this!

Thank you!

Gabrielle, catch!

Okay. Gabrielle!

Up here!

You may have stopped this sacrifice,
Xena, but that's all!

I will find other followers.

Perhaps my next tribe...

will offer their sacrifices...

to me.

No... No!

Or not.

- Ooh.
- What happened?

He was wearing the helmet.

He was wearing a helmet.

Xena had me switch the helmets...

just in case.

So...
where's the helmet of Hermes?

Right here, sweet pea.

I can't believe I was gonna
give my life away to them.

Geniah. Geniah!

I was afraid...
I'd be too late.

Frankus...,

I'm sorry, but...

we can't be together.

It's... 'cause of the old man,
isn't it?

No.

Xena's shown me that I can't
live my life following others.

I have to be
my own person...

and chase
my own dreams.

We can still be friends.

Xena...,

you and Gabrielle are gonna have
to go along without me.

Oh, you're sure?

Before we met... I thought

the best thing I could do
with my life was throw it away.

But now I found something
worth living for.

What?

I'm turning the convent
into a shelter for those in need.

Well, that is great.

Good for you.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Happy birthday.

Speaking of which...

we have got a show to catch.

Bye-bye.

Have fun, you two.

So, friends?

I can work with that.

Some of my best friends
are friends.

But... we need to rethink
the whole retro-sacrificial thing.

I'm really sorry, Gabrielle.

I didn't realize Sappho
was only here for one performance.

Tsk. It's the thought that counts,
Xena.

Although I would like to hear her
read her poetry one day.

Hmm.

You know..., how did you fall
for my fish-guts gag?

I don't know.

You knew that I would go crazy
waiting for you to get even.

Xena..., didn't see it coming.

Nor that.
Now we're even.

Here, give me that.

- I want you to close your eyes.
- No.

- Trust me, please.
- No.

Close your eyes.

What is this?

Open it.

I had Sappho jot somethin' down
for ya.

A poem?

Sappho wrote a poem for me;
I don't believe it. Xena...

You had this planned all along,
didn't you?

"There's a moment
when I look at you...

and no speech is left in me.

My tongue breaks...,

then fire races under
my skin and I tremble.

And grow pale, for I am dying
of such love...,

or so it seems to me."

It's beautiful.

This is the best birthday present
I have ever had.

Aw.

'Course, it ain't over yet.

Happy birthday, Gabrielle!

Subtitles: @marlonrock1986 (^^V^^)