Xena: Warrior Princess (1995–2001): Season 6, Episode 16 - Send in the Clones - full transcript
The nth reincarnation of Alti clones Xena and Gabrielle to make havoc in present World, helped by a trio of nerds with strangely known faces.
2000-year-old hair samples,
perfectly preserved.
It's all there.
Thanks.
What's it gonna be, Xena?
All right, you win.
You give me my child's soul
and I will take you back to my world.
First you take me back,
then you get your child.
The ritual's already begun. All
you have to do is take my hand.
I knew you'd see things
my way.
Now the real fun starts.
You know..., I just loved everything
about this episode.
Yeah, that's a good one. We should
definitely include that. You know,
it's important we have clips
that strongly represent Xena's enemies.
Shouldn't we have
some more Joxer stuff?
You're kidding, aren't you?
Could someone get that phone?
- Y'ello?
- It's Alexis.
It's her.
- Yes, Alexis?
- Phase 1 is complete.
- Have you compiled the clips?
- Uh, they're almost done.
They need to be on digital discs.
When we transfer,
- there can't be any dropping of...
- Alexis, uh..., this is my field.
I'm the computer nerd, remember?
I know what I'm doing.
- Do you have a balanced selection?
- Personally,
- I'd like to see more Joxer stuff.
- Look, any disagreements
will be settled by Lea.
She's working with us
because of her knowledge
of psychological profiles.
- You'll defer to her.
- All right.
And the rest of the team,
has it come together?
- Do you have Dr. Polly?
- Yes.
Great. Three of you meet me here
in 72 hours.
Okey-dokey.
Well?! Did it work?!
Please, tell us
what we want to hear, Alexis!
- The DNA in the hair, was it...?
- Everything we hoped for.
Maturation acceleration worked
beyond my wildest dreams.
Now... see for yourselves.
I'm gonna cry.
Awesome.
Cool.
In the time of ancient gods,
warlords
and kings,
a land in turmoil
cried out for a hero.
She was Xena,
a mighty princess
forged in the heat of battle.
The power.
The passion.
The danger.
Her courage
will change the world.
XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS
Physically,
the clones are complete.
Now we just need to use the clips
to bring them to life.
So your man in Macedonia
really came through, huh?
He promised me two strands of hair
from the tomb of the scrolls...,
and he delivered.
My carbon testing shows the hairs
to be between 2 and 3000 years old.
Two ancient Mycenaean heroes...
alive in the 21st century.
From here on,
the world will be a better place!
Well, if we can wake them
successfully.
Right now, they're just...
clones of the originals.
Xena and Gabrielle's memories
and personalities... are dormant.
Yeah. But they're great to look at
just the way they are.
Don't be a male cliche. You telling me
you're excited by looking at...
lifeless female forms
that have no mind or personality?
Yeah.
- The disks?
- Oh, sure.
I gotta be honest with you, though.
Gabfan here loaded this first one up
- pretty heavily with Gabrielle stuff.
- Yeah, you'd think all they did
was sit around in baths
and at campfires emoting.
I included other things,
but I feel very strongtly that Gabrielle
is the most important relationship
in Xena's life.
If you start talking about subtext,
I'm gonna barf.
We're not bringing her back to life
to counsel the lovelorn!
- She's gotta be able to kick ass!
- Yeah, but Joxer is just...
- Uh...
- Xena without...
We'll settle this later. Polly?
Could you prepare the clones
- for download, please?
- Oh, okay.
All set.
Let's start with the official video
salute to Gabrielle!
To the tune of Bette Midler's...
"Wind Beneath My Wings".
Whoa. They need a wake-up call,
not sleep-aids.
- Let's start with Polly's selection.
- But, Gabrielle is more important
- than Xena's fighting skills.
- In the overall picture, sure, but...
she's a warrior, first and foremost.
Use Polly's selection.
Pow! Woohoo! Hoo!
Give it your best shot.
Yah!
Woohoo!
Oh, she looked so dangerous
in this.
See that one?
I loved that one.
You know? That's not a...
That's not a stunt double.
Your kingdom awaits!
They're not responding. No R.E.M.,
no synaptic or adrenal reactions.
Hey, what'd you stop it for?!
That was rockin'!
She needs a dose of Gaby.
That'll jump-start her heart.
Heart-schmart. Maybe we're goin'
about this all the wrong way.
Maybe... we need
a more hands-on approach.
What about a bit of...
cardiac massage?
- He could be right. Or... mouth-to-mouth.
- Maybe what you two need
is a bucket of cold water.
Or your asses kicked.
Think about... the fun
they had together.
The... baths they shared.
If you're talkin' about their special
relationship, I'm into that.
- Just let me watch.
- Uh, you know what?
I think... that's it... for today.
If we download too much, they...
they could go crazy.
When they wake up, they'll need clothes.
I ordered their costumes from the catalog.
- I'll bring 'em in tomorrow!
- Oh! I can't wait to dress them!
[Loading
Evil Xena]
[Evil Xena]
You'll be dead
in thirty seconds.
But know this,
you won't be the last.
Tell Hades to prepare himself.
A new Xena is born tonight.
With a new purpose in life.
Death.
I say... kill 'em all!
Put her on the cross.
Break her legs.
I know Gabrielle
was always a fast learner.
Oh no!
You... cut her hair!
I wanted her to have long hair,
like classic Gaby!
Only in the reruns, babe.
Tsk.
- Well, that's strange.
- What?
There's a... download in here
that I didn't do. Let's have a look at it.
- I didn't compile this footage.
- Those are all Evil Xena images.
Somebody must've gotten
into the computer after we left.
How... did that happen?
Her life signs have elevated.
Something's had an effect.
They're-They're gonna wake up soon.
We-We better get them ready.
Yeah, but which Xena's gonna wake up?
The power-hungry warrior
motivated only
by blood lust and hate?
I would, uh, get my hands off
of her boobs.
This is serious. If Xena's been
watching that tape all night,
she could've suffered deep trauma.
I'm telling you,
we should feed both her and Gabrielle
my Gaby tapes to repair the damage.
Yes. The Gabrielle tapes
are essential now.
Okay.
Bringing up Gabrielle footage.
Take me with you.
I want so much to be like you.
And I want to be like you.
Eli.
I failed my first test.
It's hard the way of love.
It may not be right for you.
But if you choose to follow it...,
you must do so with all your heart.
You'll fail more than once.
But don't give up hope.
In the end...,
you'll redeem the world.
I'm sorry I took you so far
from your truth.
Don't be sorry.
Xena...,
do you think I could have understood
the power of selfless love...
if it weren't for our friendship?
Enough with the lovey-dovey crap.
You're putting 'em back to sleep.
I actually agree with you.
Even Gabrielle herself
needs a sense of her mission.
Download Polly's Gabrielle selection.
Loading...
Gaby's action footage.
That's more like it.
Boom.
We need more positive input
into Xena...
to counteract those evil images.
A scene showing...
the consequences of her dark past.
Bring up that one.
Some call me the Warrior Princess.
Some call me murderer.
Many years ago,
there was a village called Cirra.
It was a village just like yours.
Small and... prosperous, full of life.
Until a day
that my army came.
Until the day that I came...,
destroyed it.
Under my orders, my men...,
they sacked the village...,
burned the houses...,
and killed every living thing.
Everything was destroyed...,
including the soul
of one young, innocent girl...
who will never be able
to reclaim her childhood...
and will never know what the Fates had
planned for her if not for me.
I wonder if that was
such a good idea.
Seeing Callisto again's only gonna
make her blood boil.
A campfire scene. We need
a nice campfire scene with Gaby.
Like the one from series 2, ep 11,
just before the 2nd act break.
Duh! The campfire scene
in that episode was in the teaser.
- It was not!
- Come on, guys. Could we give it a break?
Besides, the classic was
series 4, episode 7,
- when she does that poignant
- Series 4...
little insight into her character
as she's taking her boots off...,
- as she sits by the campfire.
- She kept her boots on!
I've just shut off the flow of blood
to your brain.
You'll be dead in 30 seconds
unless you tell me what's going on.
Um... Xe... Xe... Um...
All right, everybody,
stay... calm.
I... I g... I gotta be honest
with you. I'm not calm.
- Xena?
- Gabrielle.
All right,
you'd better start talking.
We've... reproduced you..., exactly
as you existed 2000 years ago.
It's a process called cloning.
Welcome to the future.
Come on.
Xena, shouldn't you
take the pinch off him?
Um... Um...
How much do you remember?
She remembers the pinch pretty good.
Hey. I just got pinched by Xena!
- Did Ares do this?
- No, a higher power called science.
Why have you brought us here?
Because we need heroes.
Now more than ever. Look.
These are the kind of things
that happen in our world every day.
Violence..., civil unrest...,
crime.
It's everywhere.
And it's getting worse
all the time.
We need someone to go out there
and... kick butt.
- You got the right girl for that.
- She can kick my butt any day.
Um... W... We're hopin' you would...
kick butt for good.
Oh, it'd be good.
He's gross.
We're hungry.
Got any food?
Yes.
Yes, we do. Here.
They're..., uh, sort of like chakram,
but you can eat 'em.
- Sugar and fat.
- They're delicious.
Mm-mmm.
The loving friends
we meet on our journey...
return to us...,
time after time.
We never die...,
because we were never really born.
Xena could kick Jackie Chan's ass.
Jet Lee? No contest.
If Bruce Lee were to come back
from his grave, Xena'd kick his ass too.
Oh, man, they're hot.
And you know, after 2000 years,
they've gotta be horny.
I see 'em lookin' at me,
and there's no competition.
I'm gonna be their first
21st-century man.
The others almost ruined everything
with their macho discs.
I know.
After lights out,
I'll play 'em a full season
of old "Ellen" episodes. Yeah.
All right.
That's not how it happened. I woke you up
before I went to Valhalla, right?
That's how I remember it.
You're right.
Wow. Your memories are
of the real Xena and Gabrielle,
not just the ones
we programmed you with.
Yeah, that was the plan. To stimulate
their... latent memories.
So, what do you guys think
of the show?
I like the one who plays me.
She's kinda sexy.
What about this writing, Xena?
I mean, it's not exactly Euripides.
They have taken liberties
with my scrolls.
Yeah, and what are they tryin' to say
about our relationship, anyway?
Who knows.
Xena, um...
- You know, uh...
- Hmm?
- You and Ares, uh...
- Hmm...
Did you, um, ever..., you know,
well... Did you, um...?
- Get a life, pervert.
- Now, now, Xena.
I forged this ring.
Now I have to use it
to undo [...]
All right, Gabrielle, what's next?
Well, look, they want heroes, right?
We find a mission, we do some good.
That old greater-good thing?
I don't know.
It kinda doesn't appeal this time around.
Oh, you got some sugar and fat.
- Hey!
- I always wanted to do that.
Oh, and, uh... Gabrielle, if that pork
starts talkin' back to ya,
they got a whole room back here
designed for the whole purpose
- of relievin' yourself. Way-hey!
- A whole room?
Gabrielle, uh...,
can I speak frankly with you?
Yeah.
I'm a little concerned that we may
have woken up the Evil Xena.
- Is that what's wrong with her?
- Hmm.
Why don't you guys take care of Xena...
and I'm gonna get Gabrielle up to speed?
Grinhilda..., listen to me.
You weren't always this way.
It was my actions
that turned you into this beast.
- Wow. It's so big.
- Yeah, it sure has changed, huh?
This is her.
She broke into the lab dressed as
some kind of, uh..., television character.
- I think she's a bit of a loony.
- What is going on?
- Miss. Some identification?
- What?
Look, if you're not gonna cooperate,
lady, I'm afraid
- we're just gonna have to take you in.
- No, wait a minute.
Look, I don't know what ridiculous story
she told you, but for your information...,
she cloned me from a strand of hair
she found 2000 years ago.
All right, she's a loon.
Let's take her. C'mon.
- Drop your weapons!
- I'd do what they say, sweetie.
You saw what those weapons can do...
in the videos we showed you?
You wanna fight, huh?
Fine with me.
Ooh. Ooh!
Gotcha now!
Hopeless.
It's funny...
That does it! I'm gonna rip you apart
with my bare hands!
Do you think that's
an accurate characterization of Joxer?
Yeah, pretty much. Don't remember him
being that smart, though.
Xena, I am so sorry,
but Gabrielle has been arrested!
- How can that happen?!
- There was nothing
- that I could do. The police...
- What's "police"?
Uh... The... The local warlords.
They confiscated her sais
- and then they took her!
- Took her where?
To the city jail. Out the front door,
to the left, two miles down the road.
- Right.
- Are you insane?
- You're encouraging her!
- Xena, wait!
You might need this.
- My chakram. The real thing.
- Yes, it is.
Got it.
Have you lost your mind?!
You've just set her on a course
that'll bring her into direct conflict
with the authorities!
- And where did you get that chakram?
- You know, I'm beginning to think
there are a few things
you haven't told us.
Yes. A few.
Alti?!
Alti.
- But why?
- Well, I'd spent countless incarnations
enjoying the fact that Xena's
reputation as a do-gooder
was lost for eternity. After
she died, I hid the scrolls.
And I thought I could just sit back
and enjoy the unchecked evolution
of evil on Earth. It's really hit
a few high points in the last century.
But then... this hideous TV show
starts celebrating her
as a defender of... righteousness.
Well, we'll see how long
that reputation lasts.
Reports are flooding in
of a reign of terror
sweeping through
the downtown area.
A woman dressed like the television
character Xena, Warrior Princess,
has broken into the city jail and freed
another woman dressed as Gabrielle...,
the Warrior Princess' sidekick.
- She's plenty more than just a sidekick.
- Would you give that stuff a rest?
- ...but witness are shaken.
- We got concussions,
we got broken bones. We got
blood on the floor. Crazy chick.
She's got the strangest damn
round weapon, kind of like a frisbee.
The public is warned that this woman
is armed and highly dangerous,
and should not be approached
under any circumstances.
- I couldn't have written it better myself.
- You cloned an evil Xena
- to discredit her.
- Ah, you catch on fast.
Eyewitnesses describe her
leaping from car to car
leading to high-speed collisions
and multiple pile-ups.
Xena wasn't always an angel
in the early days...,
but she gets 22 episodes of a TV show
and everyone thinks she's a great hero.
Well, they'll soon know
the real truth.
- SWAT teams have been mobilized.
- And once she's alienated herself
from everything good..., decent...,
she'll follow me.
And together... we'll rule the world.
Let's go.
- Why didn't you try to stop her?!
- You stop her!
- ...lawlessness.
- Huh?
Okay, well, I was just like, uh...,
watchin' my giraffes...,
and, uh... and then Xena turns up,
and it's like..., it's her, man!
It's ***** her! And it's like..., there's
cops... all over the place, you know?
And... But Xena's just like... huyah!
And then she's like... hyah!
You know? She totally
***** deals with the heat, man.
But then... she just... jumps
the fence..., lands on the back
of this crazy-ass, like, horse.
She's ***** gone.
It was awesome, man. You know,
Xena's... hot too, you know?
What is that?!
- What?!
- What are you doing?!
I'm making me
some new weapons.
These things are hopeless
in hand-to-hand con...
See what I mean?
And these? Merely toys.
Xena..., you could have killed someone
at the city dungeon.
They had you locked up.
What did you want to do?
- Rot there the rest of your life?
- You know, we can't just walk...
If they want trouble...,
they're gonna get it.
I hear you've been busy,
Xena.
- Alti...
- Missed your fire, your fury.
- Don't listen to her.
- Huh?
Remember what we used to have,
Xena?
Help me...
and I'll make you...
"Destroyer of Nations".
- All right, I delivered.
- You did indeed.
I am the Destroyer of Nations.
Remember the thrill of conquest...
you had, hmm?
Before she came into your life?
Yah!
Don't listen to her.
Doesn't her little voice remind you
of her betrayal?
I'm sorry, Xena,
I couldn't let you do this.
- You...
- What her lies
- did to your son?
- My son.
Solon?
Solon?
Hey. Hey, Solon.
Solon?
Xena?
No.
No.
No.
Get out.
Xena...
Go!
Solon.
Solon...
Please.
I'm here now.
Your mom is here now...
just like you always wanted.
And how much you enjoyed
avenging that deed, huh?
Yah! Yah!
Xena!
Yah!
Yah!
Yah!
Yah!
Yah!
Vengeance!
- Why did you bring her back?
- Well...
Consider her
my gift to you, Xena.
Xena... Xena, you weren't like this
in the end.
Think of what we accomplished. Think
of the good that we did for the world.
- Come on, move!
- Get down!
Where's my little girl?!
Where's my little girl?
Xena!
Kid, come here. Come on.
Gabrielle.
Xena, the good that we did
for each other.
After all we've been through,
I am with you till the end.
When I reach down inside myself
and do things that I'm not capable of,
it's because of you.
You talk about trying
to find your way,
but to me, you are my way.
I'm sorry for all the times
I didn't treat you right.
Xena...,
you brought out the best in me.
You saved me, Xena.
But I'm a part of you.
I want it to be like that forever.
I love you.
You are the best thing
that ever happened to me.
You gave my life
meaning and joy.
You will be a part of me
forever.
Let's go!
For an old bird,
you sure move fast!
Nice move, Xena.
You'll make a great sidekick.
I'll give you sidekick.
Alti?
Alti.
Nice work, Xena.
Haven't lost your touch.
Runt!
Wait! No!
Now you'll have to deal with me.
Run!
Come on! Let's go!
Now!
- (Come on.)
- Get away!
Look out! Look out! Look out!
There was nothing left of them.
I guess clones just... break up easy.
Well, maybe it was for the best.
I mean...,
- we were messing with nature.
- Are you kidding?
We had... the greatest heroes
in history here... and now they're gone.
You know..., to be honest..., I...
I was a bit disappointed anyway.
I mean, they just seemed to be...
so much more dynamic on TV.
- On TV, yeah.
- Yeah.
Hey, do you guys think they're gonna
believe us at the conventions?
- You kidding?
- Not a chance.
Hey, we could do someone else,
you know? I...
I've got some of Dr. Spock's toenails
at home, from when I was a trekkie.
- You were a trekkie?
- Yeah.
- You really are a nerd.
- Hey, I'm-I'm not-not proud of it, okay?
Subtitles: @marlonrock1986 (^^V^^)
perfectly preserved.
It's all there.
Thanks.
What's it gonna be, Xena?
All right, you win.
You give me my child's soul
and I will take you back to my world.
First you take me back,
then you get your child.
The ritual's already begun. All
you have to do is take my hand.
I knew you'd see things
my way.
Now the real fun starts.
You know..., I just loved everything
about this episode.
Yeah, that's a good one. We should
definitely include that. You know,
it's important we have clips
that strongly represent Xena's enemies.
Shouldn't we have
some more Joxer stuff?
You're kidding, aren't you?
Could someone get that phone?
- Y'ello?
- It's Alexis.
It's her.
- Yes, Alexis?
- Phase 1 is complete.
- Have you compiled the clips?
- Uh, they're almost done.
They need to be on digital discs.
When we transfer,
- there can't be any dropping of...
- Alexis, uh..., this is my field.
I'm the computer nerd, remember?
I know what I'm doing.
- Do you have a balanced selection?
- Personally,
- I'd like to see more Joxer stuff.
- Look, any disagreements
will be settled by Lea.
She's working with us
because of her knowledge
of psychological profiles.
- You'll defer to her.
- All right.
And the rest of the team,
has it come together?
- Do you have Dr. Polly?
- Yes.
Great. Three of you meet me here
in 72 hours.
Okey-dokey.
Well?! Did it work?!
Please, tell us
what we want to hear, Alexis!
- The DNA in the hair, was it...?
- Everything we hoped for.
Maturation acceleration worked
beyond my wildest dreams.
Now... see for yourselves.
I'm gonna cry.
Awesome.
Cool.
In the time of ancient gods,
warlords
and kings,
a land in turmoil
cried out for a hero.
She was Xena,
a mighty princess
forged in the heat of battle.
The power.
The passion.
The danger.
Her courage
will change the world.
XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS
Physically,
the clones are complete.
Now we just need to use the clips
to bring them to life.
So your man in Macedonia
really came through, huh?
He promised me two strands of hair
from the tomb of the scrolls...,
and he delivered.
My carbon testing shows the hairs
to be between 2 and 3000 years old.
Two ancient Mycenaean heroes...
alive in the 21st century.
From here on,
the world will be a better place!
Well, if we can wake them
successfully.
Right now, they're just...
clones of the originals.
Xena and Gabrielle's memories
and personalities... are dormant.
Yeah. But they're great to look at
just the way they are.
Don't be a male cliche. You telling me
you're excited by looking at...
lifeless female forms
that have no mind or personality?
Yeah.
- The disks?
- Oh, sure.
I gotta be honest with you, though.
Gabfan here loaded this first one up
- pretty heavily with Gabrielle stuff.
- Yeah, you'd think all they did
was sit around in baths
and at campfires emoting.
I included other things,
but I feel very strongtly that Gabrielle
is the most important relationship
in Xena's life.
If you start talking about subtext,
I'm gonna barf.
We're not bringing her back to life
to counsel the lovelorn!
- She's gotta be able to kick ass!
- Yeah, but Joxer is just...
- Uh...
- Xena without...
We'll settle this later. Polly?
Could you prepare the clones
- for download, please?
- Oh, okay.
All set.
Let's start with the official video
salute to Gabrielle!
To the tune of Bette Midler's...
"Wind Beneath My Wings".
Whoa. They need a wake-up call,
not sleep-aids.
- Let's start with Polly's selection.
- But, Gabrielle is more important
- than Xena's fighting skills.
- In the overall picture, sure, but...
she's a warrior, first and foremost.
Use Polly's selection.
Pow! Woohoo! Hoo!
Give it your best shot.
Yah!
Woohoo!
Oh, she looked so dangerous
in this.
See that one?
I loved that one.
You know? That's not a...
That's not a stunt double.
Your kingdom awaits!
They're not responding. No R.E.M.,
no synaptic or adrenal reactions.
Hey, what'd you stop it for?!
That was rockin'!
She needs a dose of Gaby.
That'll jump-start her heart.
Heart-schmart. Maybe we're goin'
about this all the wrong way.
Maybe... we need
a more hands-on approach.
What about a bit of...
cardiac massage?
- He could be right. Or... mouth-to-mouth.
- Maybe what you two need
is a bucket of cold water.
Or your asses kicked.
Think about... the fun
they had together.
The... baths they shared.
If you're talkin' about their special
relationship, I'm into that.
- Just let me watch.
- Uh, you know what?
I think... that's it... for today.
If we download too much, they...
they could go crazy.
When they wake up, they'll need clothes.
I ordered their costumes from the catalog.
- I'll bring 'em in tomorrow!
- Oh! I can't wait to dress them!
[Loading
Evil Xena]
[Evil Xena]
You'll be dead
in thirty seconds.
But know this,
you won't be the last.
Tell Hades to prepare himself.
A new Xena is born tonight.
With a new purpose in life.
Death.
I say... kill 'em all!
Put her on the cross.
Break her legs.
I know Gabrielle
was always a fast learner.
Oh no!
You... cut her hair!
I wanted her to have long hair,
like classic Gaby!
Only in the reruns, babe.
Tsk.
- Well, that's strange.
- What?
There's a... download in here
that I didn't do. Let's have a look at it.
- I didn't compile this footage.
- Those are all Evil Xena images.
Somebody must've gotten
into the computer after we left.
How... did that happen?
Her life signs have elevated.
Something's had an effect.
They're-They're gonna wake up soon.
We-We better get them ready.
Yeah, but which Xena's gonna wake up?
The power-hungry warrior
motivated only
by blood lust and hate?
I would, uh, get my hands off
of her boobs.
This is serious. If Xena's been
watching that tape all night,
she could've suffered deep trauma.
I'm telling you,
we should feed both her and Gabrielle
my Gaby tapes to repair the damage.
Yes. The Gabrielle tapes
are essential now.
Okay.
Bringing up Gabrielle footage.
Take me with you.
I want so much to be like you.
And I want to be like you.
Eli.
I failed my first test.
It's hard the way of love.
It may not be right for you.
But if you choose to follow it...,
you must do so with all your heart.
You'll fail more than once.
But don't give up hope.
In the end...,
you'll redeem the world.
I'm sorry I took you so far
from your truth.
Don't be sorry.
Xena...,
do you think I could have understood
the power of selfless love...
if it weren't for our friendship?
Enough with the lovey-dovey crap.
You're putting 'em back to sleep.
I actually agree with you.
Even Gabrielle herself
needs a sense of her mission.
Download Polly's Gabrielle selection.
Loading...
Gaby's action footage.
That's more like it.
Boom.
We need more positive input
into Xena...
to counteract those evil images.
A scene showing...
the consequences of her dark past.
Bring up that one.
Some call me the Warrior Princess.
Some call me murderer.
Many years ago,
there was a village called Cirra.
It was a village just like yours.
Small and... prosperous, full of life.
Until a day
that my army came.
Until the day that I came...,
destroyed it.
Under my orders, my men...,
they sacked the village...,
burned the houses...,
and killed every living thing.
Everything was destroyed...,
including the soul
of one young, innocent girl...
who will never be able
to reclaim her childhood...
and will never know what the Fates had
planned for her if not for me.
I wonder if that was
such a good idea.
Seeing Callisto again's only gonna
make her blood boil.
A campfire scene. We need
a nice campfire scene with Gaby.
Like the one from series 2, ep 11,
just before the 2nd act break.
Duh! The campfire scene
in that episode was in the teaser.
- It was not!
- Come on, guys. Could we give it a break?
Besides, the classic was
series 4, episode 7,
- when she does that poignant
- Series 4...
little insight into her character
as she's taking her boots off...,
- as she sits by the campfire.
- She kept her boots on!
I've just shut off the flow of blood
to your brain.
You'll be dead in 30 seconds
unless you tell me what's going on.
Um... Xe... Xe... Um...
All right, everybody,
stay... calm.
I... I g... I gotta be honest
with you. I'm not calm.
- Xena?
- Gabrielle.
All right,
you'd better start talking.
We've... reproduced you..., exactly
as you existed 2000 years ago.
It's a process called cloning.
Welcome to the future.
Come on.
Xena, shouldn't you
take the pinch off him?
Um... Um...
How much do you remember?
She remembers the pinch pretty good.
Hey. I just got pinched by Xena!
- Did Ares do this?
- No, a higher power called science.
Why have you brought us here?
Because we need heroes.
Now more than ever. Look.
These are the kind of things
that happen in our world every day.
Violence..., civil unrest...,
crime.
It's everywhere.
And it's getting worse
all the time.
We need someone to go out there
and... kick butt.
- You got the right girl for that.
- She can kick my butt any day.
Um... W... We're hopin' you would...
kick butt for good.
Oh, it'd be good.
He's gross.
We're hungry.
Got any food?
Yes.
Yes, we do. Here.
They're..., uh, sort of like chakram,
but you can eat 'em.
- Sugar and fat.
- They're delicious.
Mm-mmm.
The loving friends
we meet on our journey...
return to us...,
time after time.
We never die...,
because we were never really born.
Xena could kick Jackie Chan's ass.
Jet Lee? No contest.
If Bruce Lee were to come back
from his grave, Xena'd kick his ass too.
Oh, man, they're hot.
And you know, after 2000 years,
they've gotta be horny.
I see 'em lookin' at me,
and there's no competition.
I'm gonna be their first
21st-century man.
The others almost ruined everything
with their macho discs.
I know.
After lights out,
I'll play 'em a full season
of old "Ellen" episodes. Yeah.
All right.
That's not how it happened. I woke you up
before I went to Valhalla, right?
That's how I remember it.
You're right.
Wow. Your memories are
of the real Xena and Gabrielle,
not just the ones
we programmed you with.
Yeah, that was the plan. To stimulate
their... latent memories.
So, what do you guys think
of the show?
I like the one who plays me.
She's kinda sexy.
What about this writing, Xena?
I mean, it's not exactly Euripides.
They have taken liberties
with my scrolls.
Yeah, and what are they tryin' to say
about our relationship, anyway?
Who knows.
Xena, um...
- You know, uh...
- Hmm?
- You and Ares, uh...
- Hmm...
Did you, um, ever..., you know,
well... Did you, um...?
- Get a life, pervert.
- Now, now, Xena.
I forged this ring.
Now I have to use it
to undo [...]
All right, Gabrielle, what's next?
Well, look, they want heroes, right?
We find a mission, we do some good.
That old greater-good thing?
I don't know.
It kinda doesn't appeal this time around.
Oh, you got some sugar and fat.
- Hey!
- I always wanted to do that.
Oh, and, uh... Gabrielle, if that pork
starts talkin' back to ya,
they got a whole room back here
designed for the whole purpose
- of relievin' yourself. Way-hey!
- A whole room?
Gabrielle, uh...,
can I speak frankly with you?
Yeah.
I'm a little concerned that we may
have woken up the Evil Xena.
- Is that what's wrong with her?
- Hmm.
Why don't you guys take care of Xena...
and I'm gonna get Gabrielle up to speed?
Grinhilda..., listen to me.
You weren't always this way.
It was my actions
that turned you into this beast.
- Wow. It's so big.
- Yeah, it sure has changed, huh?
This is her.
She broke into the lab dressed as
some kind of, uh..., television character.
- I think she's a bit of a loony.
- What is going on?
- Miss. Some identification?
- What?
Look, if you're not gonna cooperate,
lady, I'm afraid
- we're just gonna have to take you in.
- No, wait a minute.
Look, I don't know what ridiculous story
she told you, but for your information...,
she cloned me from a strand of hair
she found 2000 years ago.
All right, she's a loon.
Let's take her. C'mon.
- Drop your weapons!
- I'd do what they say, sweetie.
You saw what those weapons can do...
in the videos we showed you?
You wanna fight, huh?
Fine with me.
Ooh. Ooh!
Gotcha now!
Hopeless.
It's funny...
That does it! I'm gonna rip you apart
with my bare hands!
Do you think that's
an accurate characterization of Joxer?
Yeah, pretty much. Don't remember him
being that smart, though.
Xena, I am so sorry,
but Gabrielle has been arrested!
- How can that happen?!
- There was nothing
- that I could do. The police...
- What's "police"?
Uh... The... The local warlords.
They confiscated her sais
- and then they took her!
- Took her where?
To the city jail. Out the front door,
to the left, two miles down the road.
- Right.
- Are you insane?
- You're encouraging her!
- Xena, wait!
You might need this.
- My chakram. The real thing.
- Yes, it is.
Got it.
Have you lost your mind?!
You've just set her on a course
that'll bring her into direct conflict
with the authorities!
- And where did you get that chakram?
- You know, I'm beginning to think
there are a few things
you haven't told us.
Yes. A few.
Alti?!
Alti.
- But why?
- Well, I'd spent countless incarnations
enjoying the fact that Xena's
reputation as a do-gooder
was lost for eternity. After
she died, I hid the scrolls.
And I thought I could just sit back
and enjoy the unchecked evolution
of evil on Earth. It's really hit
a few high points in the last century.
But then... this hideous TV show
starts celebrating her
as a defender of... righteousness.
Well, we'll see how long
that reputation lasts.
Reports are flooding in
of a reign of terror
sweeping through
the downtown area.
A woman dressed like the television
character Xena, Warrior Princess,
has broken into the city jail and freed
another woman dressed as Gabrielle...,
the Warrior Princess' sidekick.
- She's plenty more than just a sidekick.
- Would you give that stuff a rest?
- ...but witness are shaken.
- We got concussions,
we got broken bones. We got
blood on the floor. Crazy chick.
She's got the strangest damn
round weapon, kind of like a frisbee.
The public is warned that this woman
is armed and highly dangerous,
and should not be approached
under any circumstances.
- I couldn't have written it better myself.
- You cloned an evil Xena
- to discredit her.
- Ah, you catch on fast.
Eyewitnesses describe her
leaping from car to car
leading to high-speed collisions
and multiple pile-ups.
Xena wasn't always an angel
in the early days...,
but she gets 22 episodes of a TV show
and everyone thinks she's a great hero.
Well, they'll soon know
the real truth.
- SWAT teams have been mobilized.
- And once she's alienated herself
from everything good..., decent...,
she'll follow me.
And together... we'll rule the world.
Let's go.
- Why didn't you try to stop her?!
- You stop her!
- ...lawlessness.
- Huh?
Okay, well, I was just like, uh...,
watchin' my giraffes...,
and, uh... and then Xena turns up,
and it's like..., it's her, man!
It's ***** her! And it's like..., there's
cops... all over the place, you know?
And... But Xena's just like... huyah!
And then she's like... hyah!
You know? She totally
***** deals with the heat, man.
But then... she just... jumps
the fence..., lands on the back
of this crazy-ass, like, horse.
She's ***** gone.
It was awesome, man. You know,
Xena's... hot too, you know?
What is that?!
- What?!
- What are you doing?!
I'm making me
some new weapons.
These things are hopeless
in hand-to-hand con...
See what I mean?
And these? Merely toys.
Xena..., you could have killed someone
at the city dungeon.
They had you locked up.
What did you want to do?
- Rot there the rest of your life?
- You know, we can't just walk...
If they want trouble...,
they're gonna get it.
I hear you've been busy,
Xena.
- Alti...
- Missed your fire, your fury.
- Don't listen to her.
- Huh?
Remember what we used to have,
Xena?
Help me...
and I'll make you...
"Destroyer of Nations".
- All right, I delivered.
- You did indeed.
I am the Destroyer of Nations.
Remember the thrill of conquest...
you had, hmm?
Before she came into your life?
Yah!
Don't listen to her.
Doesn't her little voice remind you
of her betrayal?
I'm sorry, Xena,
I couldn't let you do this.
- You...
- What her lies
- did to your son?
- My son.
Solon?
Solon?
Hey. Hey, Solon.
Solon?
Xena?
No.
No.
No.
Get out.
Xena...
Go!
Solon.
Solon...
Please.
I'm here now.
Your mom is here now...
just like you always wanted.
And how much you enjoyed
avenging that deed, huh?
Yah! Yah!
Xena!
Yah!
Yah!
Yah!
Yah!
Yah!
Vengeance!
- Why did you bring her back?
- Well...
Consider her
my gift to you, Xena.
Xena... Xena, you weren't like this
in the end.
Think of what we accomplished. Think
of the good that we did for the world.
- Come on, move!
- Get down!
Where's my little girl?!
Where's my little girl?
Xena!
Kid, come here. Come on.
Gabrielle.
Xena, the good that we did
for each other.
After all we've been through,
I am with you till the end.
When I reach down inside myself
and do things that I'm not capable of,
it's because of you.
You talk about trying
to find your way,
but to me, you are my way.
I'm sorry for all the times
I didn't treat you right.
Xena...,
you brought out the best in me.
You saved me, Xena.
But I'm a part of you.
I want it to be like that forever.
I love you.
You are the best thing
that ever happened to me.
You gave my life
meaning and joy.
You will be a part of me
forever.
Let's go!
For an old bird,
you sure move fast!
Nice move, Xena.
You'll make a great sidekick.
I'll give you sidekick.
Alti?
Alti.
Nice work, Xena.
Haven't lost your touch.
Runt!
Wait! No!
Now you'll have to deal with me.
Run!
Come on! Let's go!
Now!
- (Come on.)
- Get away!
Look out! Look out! Look out!
There was nothing left of them.
I guess clones just... break up easy.
Well, maybe it was for the best.
I mean...,
- we were messing with nature.
- Are you kidding?
We had... the greatest heroes
in history here... and now they're gone.
You know..., to be honest..., I...
I was a bit disappointed anyway.
I mean, they just seemed to be...
so much more dynamic on TV.
- On TV, yeah.
- Yeah.
Hey, do you guys think they're gonna
believe us at the conventions?
- You kidding?
- Not a chance.
Hey, we could do someone else,
you know? I...
I've got some of Dr. Spock's toenails
at home, from when I was a trekkie.
- You were a trekkie?
- Yeah.
- You really are a nerd.
- Hey, I'm-I'm not-not proud of it, okay?
Subtitles: @marlonrock1986 (^^V^^)