Xena: Warrior Princess (1995–2001): Season 6, Episode 10 - Old Ares Had a Farm - full transcript

Xena, I'm beginning
to lose my appetite.

Well, let's give it a try. Sometimes
these places have great food.

Won't be a sec.

Pardon me. Didn't you used to ride
with Ahab the Lame?

Yeah..., but I've moved on
to better things.

You look like
the self-improvement type.

And aren't those Attila's colors
you're wearing? Some company.

And you..., I could swear
you're Turkestan's boy.

What is this?
A scum-bag convention?

- What brings you cutthroats together?
- Huh.

- I don't have to tell you that.
- Oh, but you do.



- Get her!
- Go get her!

All right. You got seconds to live,
so spit it out.

The warlords of Greece,
Macedonia and Thrace...

have put a price on his head.
We've united

under Gasgar the Terrible,
to hunt him down and split the bounty.

All right. Hunt down who?

The god of war..., Ares.
He's mortal.

And now the warlords that
he crossed when he was a god...

are having their revenge.

Ares..., prepare to die!

Who are you?

- Who are you.
- They call me... Battling Siki.

Nobody ever called you that;
you just made that up.

But if you don't wanna be known
as Dead Siki, you'll be movin' on.



All right.
But the gold is mine, Ares.

I've been gettin' a lot of that
lately.

So..., what brings you here?
Animal magnetism?

I'm here to save your butt.

The word is out that you're mortal,
Ares. There's a price on your head

and every scum-bag in the world
is lookin' to cash in.

Gasgar the Terrible..., Lombar...,
the Howl Brothers..., Mosher.

- Attila...
- ...the Beast of Turkestan.

It'll be great fighting by your side;
we'll take no prisoners.

No, we're not here to participate
in a blood bath.

We're here to offer you
a new life.

You're a little ahead of me.

Ares, you're gonna spend
the rest of your mortal life

a hunted man..., unless
you assume a new identity.

You need to go undercover
as someone else.

Reinvent myself. Well...,
I'm not opposed to the idea.

I've given a lot of thought
to how I'm gonna live

the rest of my mortal life; a... king...,
a priest..., if the cult was sexy enough.

Ares, you've gotta do something
that no one would ever suspect of you.

Like what?

How are you at shovelin' *****?

In the time of ancient gods,

warlords

and kings,

a land in turmoil
cried out for a hero.

She was Xena,

a mighty princess
forged in the heat of battle.

The power.

The passion.

The danger.

Her courage
will change the world.

XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS

Ares, what's wrong
with being a farmer?

For a rube, nothing.
But for the god of war...

Former god of war.

Xena, let's you and I go crazy
on Gasgar and his boys.

I am talkin'
about slaughter and mayhem.

Ares, do you really wanna fight
every warrior

- who wants to make a fortune?
- Okay, it's... getting to be a chore.

If we set you up as a farmer,
you can come and go as you please.

Really?!

No one would suspect the god of war
would be living on a country farm.

Gabrielle and I'll stay with you...,
just until you get the swing of things.

Yeah; a plantation..., some slaves...,
half a dozen flute-playing girls!

Just what I was thinkin'.

There it is... just as I remember it.

- And... whoo.
- The Elysian Fields on Earth.

Come on, come on.

Well..., this is it.

- What? The outhouse?
- It's beautiful.

Hello! We're looking
at a hovel!

Look. Here.
I carved my initial in this pole.

- Here.
- Let's see.

It's still there.

My grandma used to sit
in this chair.

She'd rock and she'd tell us
stories of the Olympian gods.

Bet you never thought you'd grow up
to kill most of them, did ya?

But wait.
The best is yet to come.

Come on.

Xena..., it's charming.

It even smells the way I remember it.

I don't wanna spoil
your waltz down memory lane,

but Ares ain't living here.
Now you can tell us

all about your pastoral childhood
on the way back... to civilization.

Ares, it's a little run-down,
but we can fix it.

When I was a god
I couldn't've fixed this place.

It's nothing that a little hard work
can't put right.

- See, now you're scaring me.
- More than a band of cutthroats

- who are out for your blood?
- Do I hafta answer right away?

Gabrielle, come check out the stove.

So I got the god of war down.

And I wouldn't listen
to his pleas for mercy. And then I...

- ...I cut his throat.
- What did he look like?

You know, he wasn't as mean-looking
as everyone says.

Kind of a dark..., handsome guy...,
dressed all in black with a beard.

And he had this gray vest,
and when you...

You didn't kill anyone,
you little... pimple...,

but you might've seen somethin'.

That description of Ares
was pretty good.

- I... I did see him.
- Where?!

Outside of Ipieros. I followed them
as far as the Lackawan Valley.

- Then I lost my nerve.
- What do you mean, "them"?

- Does he have an army with him?
- No, no. A couple of women.

Ares always did have a... weakness
for the ladies.

Probably lookin' for a place
to shack up with them.

Pass the word.
We're headed for the Lackawan Valley.

Ares, hurry up with those rags!

You know what? I, uh...

I just can't seem to find 'em
anywhere.

Well, that doesn't make sense.

Come on then;
we'll do somethin' else.

I was doing a thing!

Has anyone seen that saw
I left out here?

Well, don't look at me.

I try to touch tools of common labor
as little as possible.

Well, that's going to change.
Come on.

Let's go.

Not the butt.
If that leaves a mark...

- Don't turn around.
- Don't you.

I know I left the saw
on the railing.

All right, Ares..., I want you
to get up here on the mantelpiece

- and nail those boards to the ceiling.
- After you.

- Ares... Come on.
- All right.

What did you want me to do
with the rags?

I wanted you to stuff 'em
in the holes in the outside wall

- to stop the wind coming through.
- I'd rather do that.

- All right, what are you looking for?!
- Okay, I hid the rags.

I thought you were gonna get me
to mop the floor

or some other demeaning job
I'd rather die than do,

- but now they're gone.
- Oh.

This is strange. I left both my boots
out here and one of them's gone.

Okay. Where's my wineskin?

Something is out there.

Excuse me. Hello. My name is Greba.
I'm your neighbor.

- Oh, hi.
- Hello.

I've just come from Ipieros. There's
an army moving toward the valley,

- led by the warlord Gasgar.
- Thanks for the warning.

Ah. That Gasgar, he's a bad one.

You know what they say
his favorite sport is? It's to take

a young, beautiful, helpless maiden...
and despoil her of her chastity...

again and again
and again and again!

- Oh, the beast.
- Thanks, Greba.

It makes me shudder,
just thinking about it.

Being a young widow...,
on my own...,

without a... man to take care
of my wants and needs...,

alone in my house, just...
over the fence, just there.

Thank you, Greba.

Hey, uh... Drop by again
when the news is better.

We'll have a glass of wine...,
swap tips on raising root vegetables.

- Well..., goodbye.
- (Bye.)

All right..., you two take care
of the thief; I'm gonna see to Gasgar.

Oh! Oh! Oh-ho-ho-ho,
so you still get to be warrior!

Uh-huh.

But believe me..., I would much rather
stay here and work on the house.

You know the sad thing?

I believe you!

Where's my belt?

Definitely take care
of that one.

Gasgar?
Xena's here.

Xena?

Gasgar.

I've come to present you
with a little gift.

What is it?

Ares' head on a platter.

So...
you want a piece of him too.

Figures.

I've heard about some of the things
he's done to you through the years.

Let me ask you somethin'.

When you were... slaughtering
gods... up on Olympus...,

- Mm-hmm?
- why didn't you just take him out then?

The coward ran.
I didn't get the chance.

Hmm. Well...,

he's mortal now.

So any of us
can kill him.

We don't need you..., Xena.

And we sure don't need to split
the bounty any more ways.

I'm not in this for the gold.
This is personal.

And besides...,
what if you're wrong?

What if it's all just a rumor
and he hasn't lost his immortality at all?

You'd be stalking
the god of war.

But I... I have the ability
to kill gods.

Now wouldn't that make
a nice insurance policy? Hmm?

Besides...,

I know where to find him.

Ares.

When you gave up your immortality
to save me and Eve...,

that was... that was
quite a sacrifice. Thank you.

If Eve had died... and Xena lost
her power to kill gods...,

then Athena would have killed Xena. So
I was saving Eve to save Xena.

You were an afterthought.

Thanks, anyway.

How'd it go?

So far, so good.
You cleared the chimney.

- Ares did the heavy work.
- Yeah?

She's exaggerating.
She just doesn't want to admit

she couldn't get me to work
any better than you could.

A lot of truth in that.

You know, my brothers and I
used to sit by the fire here...

and tell ghost stories.

My brothers.
I miss them sometimes.

Xena.

The thief is still here. He got
my gauntlet this afternoon.

Whoever it is is good.
I mean, very, very good.

- We didn't see a thing.
- What if there's nothing to see?

Like a ghost?

Yeah.

You mortals go
to the most incredible places

just to rationalize
unexplained phenomena.

- You know what's wonderful?
- What?

It's wonderful that we're sitting here
together in front of this cozy fire.

That's right.
Life on a farm is so peaceful.

Hmm.

Are you two insane?
The life is incredibly dull.

It-It-It-It's... It's horribly
uncomfortable. And it... it... it's hard.

Oh, you'll change your tune
when you get a few...

calluses on your hands.

Let me guess.
This is your favorite part.

Split up. There's gotta be
one dry room in the house.

- The kitchen's worse.
- Hey, it's dry in here.

This was my room.

Grandpa must have fortified the roof.
It's the only dry room in the house.

That's a big bed.
The three of us can sleep in there.

- Three of us in one bed?
- Sure.

Well, I suppose
we are all grown-ups.

We certainly are.

I think a change of positions
is in order.

I meant we should both...
change positions.

All right.

I'm in Tartarus.

Gabrielle!

I don't care if it is a ghost!

If I can kill gods, maybe
I can kill ghosts too!

Oh, thank God
I'm a country boy.

Wait a minute.
Drag marks; look.

The ghost stole
her breastplate.

It couldn't carry her breastplate.

Had to drag it.

An ample breastplate
to be sure, but...

- This way! Come on!
- Oop!

Something buried our stuff.

- What is this?
- Look.

Oh! Oh!

Strange.

Where are my boots?

Shh.

It's a wolf.

It's not a wolf. It's a dog.

- Don't they have dogs on Olympus?
- Not one-headed ones.

Get it off me!

Hey, he's not attacking you;
he's trying to be affectionate.

Well, I am not interested...
in that kind of relationship.

- Oh.
- Aw, come here, pooch.

Oh, now, don't-don't-don't do that.
Now we'll never get rid of it.

Maybe we don't wanna
get rid of him.

Is there anything
you and I agree on?

Oh, yeah. Anything else?

All right, Ares...,
you can stay here

with your furry little friend
and fix the roof.

Gabrielle and I are off to town
for some supplies.

Hmm.

Can it get any worse?

Hello again!

Neighbor lady. Hello.

You filthy mongrel.

Dogs make me go all cuddly.

See the lady?
Say hello to the lady. Say hello!

My husband and I
had a dog.

But then he died three years ago
in the battles.

My husband, that is, not the dog.
And then the... dog

was run over by the funeral wagon
that was carrying his body home.

There's been a great gaping hole
in my heart ever since that day.

- Isn't war just terrible?
- A crime against humanity.

I don't know why people
can't be more like animals.

I mean, animals don't go to war
or... lie or cheat or betray each other.

Take this little guy right here.

I mean..., when he likes you,
he just comes up and starts licking you.

- Why can't we be more like that?
- A very, very good question.

Maybe... we can... take him
for a long walk sometime, huh?

They wouldn't mind us borrowing
their dog? Your daughters?

- You mean, slave girls.
- No... They don't act like slaves.

Well, I spoil them.
So, uh...,

what made you think
they were my daughters?

Oh, well, I mean..., you being
an older man and everything.

Oh, don't get me wrong, I mean,
you're... you're in great shape, and...

you hold yourself so well. You know,
good posture's so very important.

It's just that you're... you're
so much more sophistocated

than what I'm used to, and...,
well..., with the gray hair, it's just...

Gray... Gray-Gray hair.
Gray hair.

Oh. You-You have that...
patch of gray just... there.

Was that rain?
I... fix the roof.

- Oh, well... Goodbye.
- Bye.

Think that's funny?

Yuk it up.

Oh.

Of course.

Ares.

What are you doing?

Oh. I'm just lying here... smelling
my mortality...,

- Oh.
- every muscle in my body aching...,

I have gray hair...,

and the dog has its...
tongue in my mouth.

Well..., enough of that.
Scat. Go on.

- All due respect, Xena...,
- Let's go.

this is the worst idea
you've ever had. Wow!

I'll never make
a convincing farmer.

Nonsense. You just need to know
how to accessorize. Come on.

I'm guessing these are
the accessories.

Hey..., look what I found.

This dog is incredibly needy.

Why don't you pet it?

Then maybe it won't be
so needy.

Ares, I got a job
you might like.

Really?

Why don't you go kill a chicken
for dinner?

All right!
Now you're talkin'!

Only one chicken.

Do you think he'll ever
get used to this?

He just has to convince them once.

After that, he can
hire in some help

or get his dancing girls,
for all I care.

But once he is set up,
you and I are out of here.

Mm-hmm.

What?

Xena, I know you wanna
help Ares...,

but you're here to relive
your childhood memories.

You think so?

Yeah.

Maybe you're right.

I was happy here.

It was peaceful, and I f...

- felt safe.
- Hmm.

Ever since, my life
has been anything, but...

I'll say.

Let's enjoy it while we can.

Come here.

Come on. Come on. Come on.
Huh?

Come on.

Come on. Come to Papa!

Uh, careful.
I'm beginning to like that.

Uh, Ares? My plan's
working perfectly.

- You planned to drive me insane?
- No, my plan to deal with Gasgar.

Are they leaving the valley?

Nope.
They're comin' right toward us.

All right, Ares.
If you can pull this one off

and convince them
that you're a farmer...,

they'll leave
and you'll have your cover.

But Gasgar and Attila
know what I look like.

Oh, that's the beauty of it.
I've asked around;

they're the only ones who know
what you look like,

and they won't be part
of the search party.

You inside!

Show yourselves!

Okay. The official story: Ares
passed by here a couple of days ago.

Suck it in.

And when he left,
he was headed for the Hurata Pass.

- I said get out here!
- All right. You're on.

I'll be waiting out back;
wouldn't do to find the warrior princess

hanging out on a farm.

If you don't come out here...,
things are going to get ugly.

- Okay, go out there.
- No, no, no, no.

I'm gonna need a moment.

- Stall.
- Stall?

Torch the place.

Yeah!

Sorry, I was, um...,
busy.

Come down here, pretty one.

Would you like to help us?

Of course.

We're looking for somebody.
His name is Ares.

He probably
doesn't go by that now.

Now, I've never seen him,
but, uh, they say...

his looks are dark..., and women
like the look of him.

There are a lot of men who come around
here whose looks I like.

Josa!

What are you doin'?

Get back on in the house,
woman.

Hurry!

- What do you want?
- I want you to drop the attitude,

farm-boy.
Then I want you to tell me

if you've seen anybody suspicious
around here.

Yes, sir, yes I have.
That'd be you.

Now...

give me an answer.

Have you seen any tall, dark,
handsome guy around here?

I'm sure your woman over there
would've been all over him if you did.

Wait a minute! If he's out cold,
how can we question him?

He's pretty feisty
for a farmer.

How do we know
he's not Ares himself?

Are you kidding? Ares is
a much younger man than this.

Oh, yeah.
You've seen him.

Well, the question is...,

has he seen him?

That's exactly
what I'm gonna find out.

Put that pinch on him.
I've never seen it.

Well, it's not exactly
a spectator sport.

Yeah, but I hear
that it makes the nose gush blood.

Are you gonna do it or not?

You... You are going to be dead
in 30 seconds,

you and your little dog too,
if you don't tell me;

have you seen Ares, the god of war?

He stayed here a coupl 'a nights ago...,
and went to the Hurata Pass.

- The Hurata Pass.
- Good work.

I'll let Gasgar know right away.

I'm gonna head for the Hurata Pass.

Yah! [...]

Ares.

You shouldn't have come out
with such an attitude.

- My woman...
- Yeah?

was about to take on
an entire army.

- Oh.
- I... think even a farmer

would just have a little bit of attitude
about that, don't you?

I was playing
with my character.

I just used the first thing
that popped into my head.

I think that says a lot about you.

Well done, Ares.
You fooled 'em; they're gone.

Get down from there.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Do not be throwing things at my dog.

What do ya mean?!
He bit me! It...

Did you say "your dog"?

He is the only one
that stood up for me just now.

I think I'll call you... Horace.

Come, Horace.
Let's go kill some chickens.

It's amazing.
He's bonded with the dog.

Well, that dog worships him.

That's a relationship
Ares can understand.

I see you use the pull and squeeze
method.

I prefer the double squeeze.

Double squeeze takes too long.

No, you get more milk that way.
It's easier on the cow.

The Warrior Princess
and the Battling Bard...

discussing the correct technique
for milking a cow.

Absurd... and yet,
at the same time, ridiculous.

It's important.

Hello? Anyone there?

Horace!
Where you goin', buddy?!

In here!

I'm sorry to bother you, but...

I was just wondering
if anyone had seen my dog.

Your dog?

Hmm. Uh...
I-I'm a traveling salesman.

I... I was passing through here
a couple of weeks ago, and...

my dog ran off
during a thunderstorm.

I was just trying to find him.

Y-You can't miss him. He's-He's got
two different colored eyes.

- One gray, one blue?
- Yes!

- I've never seen him.
- Shame.

That's him. That's him!

Tha... Tha... That's him!

That's not a dog, it's a horse.
We breed 'em small around here.

Uh... No, it's-No, it's really him!

Hey! Jake, come back!

Here you go!
Jake, come back to daddy!

Run, Horace, run.

Back! Come back here!

Look at the workmanship there.

- Get out of the way.
- Oh. I'll be with you later.

Now, how may I help you,
gentlemen?

What's he chewin' on?

Oh. It's... It's funny
you should ask that, because...

it's just one of the most...
precious things that we have here.

Uh... Look at that. It's... Well, uh...
It's available... for a price.

- It looks like Ares' gauntlet.
- Where'd you get it?

Now, that's a very interesting thing
in itself. You see...

Where'd you get it?!

My dog found it on-on a farm.

What farm?

A f-farm.

Maybe he buried it in the field.

Oh. You are so quick
to blame Horace.

Well, who else
would steal your gauntlet?

Hello?!

Bad news.

Gasgar's army has turned around
and is heading back down the valley.

A soldier from his army was drunk
in a tavern at Ipieros last night...

and he says that Gasgar
is heading for this farm.

Somehow, Gasgar's got it in his head
that Ares is here.

Goodness, aren't people
just the funniest thing?

Thank you, Greba.

- Oh, and I also heard that...
- Greba.

Go away.

Well... Goodbye.

Gasgar.

Xena's here.

Good. Send her in.

I thought you were headed
for the... Hurata Pass, Xena.

And I heard you turned
your army around.

I didn't want you to waste your time.
Ares headed through here

- a few days.
- That's not gonna play.

Ares' gauntlet.

A dog found it on a farm.

A farm you happened
to ride up to...

when Demetrius was
in the middle of an interrogation.

Why are you tryin' to hide Ares,
Xena?

I'll tell you why.

Gabrielle, what are you doing here?

I'm tired of being used
by you, Xena.

Gabrielle, this is not time
for one of your little spats.

- You wanna know where Ares is?
- Yeah.

Don't listen to her,
she's insane.

I'll tell you who's insane. You.

If you think
you can walk away from me...

You've fallen in love with Ares
and suddenly I'm nothin'.

You fell in love with Ares?
After all he's done to ya?

That's pathetic.

You want a piece of me,
Gasgar?

- None of my business, really.
- Damn straight.

You were about to tell me...

- where Ares is.
- Yeah.

Wouldn't do that if I were you,
Gabrielle.

Xena, you taught me how to fight.
I may be tougher than you think.

Ares is headed to Pultruis.

He's gonna hide
in the Naughton cave.

Why, I oughtta...

Come on, Warrior Princess.
Let's see what ya got. Come on.

Whoa. Whoa.
Can we take this outside?

Okay. I'll leave.

- How far to Pultruis?
- It's a day's ride.

All right.

Nice moves.

Horace! Oh, yeah.
Come on, come on. Yeah. Yow. Oh.

I guess you don't need
the flute girls anymore.

Hey, I like his company. It's not like
he takes care of all my problems.

Here.

- So, what happened to Gasgar?
- Oh, he headed with the others

towards the Pultruis Caves.
He thought you were hiding out there

- for some reason.
- That would be the Pultruis

where the beast of the seven heads
makes his lair?

Eight heads.
And not one of them is friendly.

So you can stay here
as long as you want.

No one'll bother you here.

Thanks, Xena...,
but to be honest...,

once I'm out of chickens...,
I might just move on.

Well, you should drag it out.

You know, you might find
a kind of peace here

that you won't find afterwards.

And who knows... maybe I'll come
and visit ya sometime.

Or...

I could give this whole rural thing
a good try.

Hmm.

Good boy.

Have fun.

How are you feeling?

I've learned something
since coming back here.

You can't look for peace
in the world around you;

you've gotta find it
in your own heart.

I was happier
when I was a kid here

'cause I was loved
and I felt like I belonged.

I was lucky then,
and I'm lucky now.

Me too.

Subtitles: @marlonrock1986 (^^V^^)