Xena: Warrior Princess (1995–2001): Season 2, Episode 8 - Ten Little Warlords - full transcript

Someone has made Ares mortal by stealing his sword, which leaves him incapable of putting Xena back in her own body and removes his control over the anger of peaceful people.

Gabrielle, wake up.

It's all right, it's me.

Xena...

You know, I don't know if I'm gonna
get used to this.

It's so weird having your best friend
in the body of your worst enemy...

Could you dye your hair?

Hey! It's only a suggestion.

Joxer?

Quick response.

Good! Next time
I test your defenses...

...I'll make even less noise on purpose.



What are you doing here, Joxer?

I'm here to deliver a message for Callisto.
I thought she might be interested.

I mean, for Xena...
The...

-Did you get the hang of this yet?
-About half the time.

Why would I want Callisto's
messages? Burn it.

Not this one.

How often do you get a personal invitation
from the god of war?

Ares sent out ten scrolls,
one of 'em's for Callisto.

I've got it around here somewhere.

-Hey!
-Is that it?

Yeah.
Who are you suppoesed to be?

A fierce warrior
trapped in the body of Gabrielle?

Ares didn't send this invitation.

He knows Callisto's dead
and I'm in her body.



But, I'd like to know
who did send it and why.

So would I.
When do we leave?

Gabrielle and I leave
at first light.

With all of the warlords
passing through, Joxer...,

...the people around here may need you
in case a panic breaks out.

Yeah, my presence would inspire
confidence, wouldn't it?

Well, thanks, Callist...
Xena.

Relax.
Just go with it.

Right.

There's another one.
His name's Tegason.

And the human wall
walking toward him? Who's that?

Some piece of work, huh?

So what does that make it now?
Five so far?

And these two are bitter enemies.

When they meet,
it's like throwing oil on a raging fire.

Let's go in there and find out
why Ares sent for them.

You could... You could put the pinch
on one of those bastards and just...

Hey, calm down.

Now, let's see what happens.

Yuck.
Where were they raised? In a barn?

Wait.

Some raging fire...

-Look! They're teaming up.
-I'm gonna follow.

Yeah, let's go in there and start
kicking some a...

Gabrielle, what, did you sleep
on a rock again?

Go get something to eat
and try and relax.

Fishcakes.
Lovely fishcakes.

Six for a dinar.
Fishcakes.

Lovely fishcakes,
dearie, six for a dinar.

-Fishcakes?
-Would you like one?

They're really good.

They're good,
but a little bony.

Mine are scrumptious,
and ten per dinar.

-Ten?
-Twelve per dinar, dearie.

-Twelve?
-His are as chewy as seaweed.

-Hey, she's my cust...
-She's my customer.

I wanna fishcake!

No, they're mine!

Lady, I was here first!

Put me down!

I ordered the lobster!

Where's my fishcake?

-All right, where's my bargain?
-Who started this, more warlords?

No, them.

Callisto, spare us!
We don't want any trouble!

Her? Huh!
Forget about her!

Me, on the other hand...
Why...

Gabrielle!

-Xena, let me go, I can stop 'em.
-You can't stop everyone. Come on.

All right!

Innocent people turned violent...

Bloodthirsty warlords
on their best behavior.

-What's going on?
-Barkeep!

You got a couple of thirsty customers over here!

See what happens when the god of war
takes a holiday?

Well, more like, forced retirement.

Hello, Xena!

What's the matter?

Don't you recognize an old friend?

Ares...

Yeah.

In the time of ancient gods...,

warlords

and kings,

a land in turmoil
cried out for a hero.

She was Xena.

A mighty princess

forged in the heat of battle.

The power.

The passion.

The danger.

Her courage will change the world.

XENA - WARRIOR PRINCESS

Are you telling me you're mortal?
I don't believe you.

Humililating, isn't it?

But what self-respecting god of war
would do this?

That's great, 'cause I've always
wanted to slap...

Get away from me!

Pain...

So that's what it's like...
Not so bad, really.

Hah, you like it, huh? Well,
there's plenty more where that came from.

Put some wine on that cloth.

Press it to your cut.

Up you go.

Who did this to you?
Zeus?

All I know is,
someone stole my sword.

It must have been while I was
preoccupied with you and Callisto.

The next thing I know, I'm down here.

Exiled, deposed...

Ah, you're breaking our hearts.

Gabrielle...

Give us some room.

Ok, but if you need
any back-up, you yell.

Out of my way!

Not usually so contentious,
is she?

Damnit, I like it!

Oh, I would've switched you back
into your old body, but I lost my sword.

Too bad...

Not that you don't wear
Callisto magnificently.

I just hope she's being
as good to me in Tartarus.

Oh, she's behaving.

So, who sent for the ten warlords
in your name?

I don't know.
But I'm gonna find out.

Hey...

Hey, who do you have to punch
to get a drink around here?

-Here... Take my invitation.
-I don't want your invitation.

I want you to help me
get my godhood back.

And why would I do that?

Well, I could put you back
into your old body.

Come on, Xena...

You must miss staring into those baby blues
every time you pass a mirror.

My body doesn't make me who I am.
My deeds do.

And I don't plan on letting
the god of war back in business.

What is this?
Fish fry?

Give me the good stuff.

What do you think's happening to your friend?
To these pathetic villagers?

Without a sitting
god of war...

...peaceful people have lost the self-discipline
to control their anger.

Come on, huh? I rest my case.

Just so you know,
you've got thirty sec...

If that's true,
how come I haven't lost control?

That's the really interesting part.
You see...

Those who have learned
to channed their anger...

...just get more and more focused.

But people who have
no experience with violence...

...totally lose it.

-Come on, Gabrielle, let's go.
-Good idea.

Oh, you may despise me, Xena.
But a godhood is a sacred trust.

Oh, you'd love to live
in a world without war, I know that.

But without me...

...you're about to experience a world
without peace for anyone...

...anywhere.
Now, you just think about that, Xena!

What a loser.

Let's get back to the action.
What do you say?

You're right, you know...
You can't trust Ares.

Now, here, there are many gods
on Mount Olympus...,

...and there's got to be one that can
help switch you back into your own body.

Of course, you know, he won't make it...
Not with those warlords.

Who wouldn't want to make thier rep
by wasting the god of war?

Or ex, or otherwise.

I hope that it's slow and painful.
A taste of his own medicine.

-Try and get some sleep.
-Who can sleep?

Now, I know what it's like to be you!
It's exhilirating!

Always alert!
Ready for a fight!

Trouble could break out
anytime!

Gabrielle, get a grip. You lose control
now and there's no turning back.

You seem to be controlling yourself
pretty well.

I've lived with anger longer.

-Like it or not, it's part of me.
-Get your hands off me.

Do you remember that poem, "Elysian Fields",
you used to like so much?

Every time you feel angry,
I want you to recite it.

Elysian fields, calm and green.
Love-birds singing so serene.

Gabrielle, I didn't mean right now.

I am boiling mad right now.
At you!

I've got this overwhelming desire
to just knock you...

...upside your irritating blonde...

I want you to wait here tomorrow.

I'm going with Ares.

-You're what?
-That's my decision.

End of discussion.

Get these buckets out of my way,
you filthy scum!

Yes, sir.

Now we have two invitations.

One small rule.

Ares insists,
all weapons be left behind.

-What if we're attacked?
-Ares insists!

Refuse, you don't sail.

How do we know it's really Ares
that sent for us, anyway?

-Tell us that!
-Why not say who I am?

They should pay me the respect I deserve.

You wanna find out who's
behind all of this...

...I'd keep a low profile,
if I were you.

Callisto!

I'd heard Xena
sent you to Tartarus.

Well, as you can see, rumors of my demise
were greatly exaggerated.

I always said Xena
was over-rated.

Next time I see her,
I'm gonna kick her butt.

If anyone's gonna waste
the Warrior Princess, it'll be me.

Understand?

Don't touch my armor, please.
This is hand-pounded.

What do you want?

I heard you were looking
for the world's greatest warrior. Well...

Here I am.

You're the greatest, huh?

Well, we'll soon find out.

No, no.
He's mine.

I'm glad you're here.
Now pretend you're afraid of me and run away.

Why?

You can guard the dock
once we're gone.

Just don't hurt me, Callisto.

Warriors, Ares has prepared
a short introduction.

Welcome.

I look forward to meeting you all
soon.

That is nothing like my voice.

Before sailing, it occurs to me
the rules I've set forth...

...may make sharing close quarters
on a crossing a tad uncomfortable.

Let me assure you...,

...the prize at the end of your journey
will more than compensate.

You see, I intend to retire,
and name my heir.

Yes.

One of you will become...

...the new god of war.

Naturally, Ares plans
on naming me.

Play your hands right and I'll choose
my liertenants from one of you.

I still say, why would the god of war
strip us of weapons?

There's more to this than meets the eye.

I lost track of my kill count
years ago...

...at the siege of Asponica,
some battle.

I personally smashed
the gates at Asponica.

That blowhard wasn't even there.

If you think the world
has seen bad times before...,

...just wait till one of them
gains my mantle.

-It couldn't be anymore heartless than you.
-I was born a god...

...Imbued with the responsibilities
of a god.

No mortal who gains possession
can handle the power.

Well, excuse me.

Don't expect him to say anything.

Last time
he met Xena...,

...her chakram
severed his voice box.

He had a dirty mouth.

You hate her, don't you, Callisto?
Well, you'll like this story.

I once beat her so bad,
I had her begging for mercy.

I heard she broke your belt
with her chakram...,

...and you ran away
with your behind showing.

Someday...

You know, there are certain advantages
to being trapped in the skin of a psycho.

If looks can kill, then Callisto
has it down to an... art.

What is this infernal
throbbing in my head?

It's called a hangover.

It's the price we mortals pay
for drinking to excess.

And prey, why is it called a hangover?

'Cause pretty soon
you're gonna hang your head over that rail.

What are you looking at?

A pitiful excuse
for a warrior.

You and Virgilius
never met on the battlefield.

Afraid I haven't had the pleasure.

He's awesome.

Committed, decisive,
totally ruthless.

He does me proud.

I'd watch out for him.

Well, I didn't know you cared,
Ares.

You're so used to pulling everyone's strings
and inflaming their passions...

How does it feel depending on me
of all people?

How do you feel?
Allying yourself to the best friend...

...and the worst enemy you've ever known?

What was that?

We'll find out.

Gabrielle, you sure Xena
wants you following her to the island?

Of course she does.
Now just shup up and go over there.

Way over there.

Charming.

There's only one person I know
that would stage a sideshow like this.

Sisyphus.

I thought Hades had him
pushing a rock uphill for eternity.

Yeah, well, he's quite an escape artist.

Greetings, all.

I see a familiar face
who wasn't invited.

But weldome nonetheless, Ares.

He's Ares...
Then who are you?

An imposter. A conjuror with
no real powers to fear.

The infamous Callisto...
What a pleasure it is to finally meet you.

Don't forget, I died and descended
into Hades' domain.

I'd say my return is something more
than a mere parlor trick.

Over here, everyone!

You stole my godhood!

True,
but you're free to win it back...

...if you can.

My offer is simple.
While escaping from the underworld...,

...Ares' sword just happened
to fall into my hands.

Anyone of you
may claim it.

In return for providing the new god of war,
I shall be granted...

...immortality.

I claim the sword.
Me, Virgilius.

Nice try!

I'm afraid the powers-that-be
require a small test.

-A competition.
-What kind of competition?

A duel to the death at sunrise
with that monster out there.

It's called the Baracchus.

The godhood of war
is an object of worship.

It shouldn't be put up as a prize
in some silly contest.

Oh, I promise you, defeating that monster
won't be silly.

You'll all be provided with weapons.

Whoever slays the Baracchus
wins Ares' sword.

-It's that simple...
-Nothing's ever that simple with you, Sisyphus.

Or so I've heard.

Don't try to look for the sword, Callisto.
You won't find it.

Not that anyone was thinking of leaving...,

...but the boat's gone.

That's it!

Joxer can swim back.
That's from Xena.

You think you can go off with Ares, huh?
Yeah.

Joxer?

Stop sneaking up on me!

Xena told me to guard the dock,
and I figured she meant this one.

Now, come on, the castle's back that way.

The castle is that way.

That was the wind, right?

Yeah, sounds like it's hungry.

Six!

If somebody kills the Baracchus before me,
I don't even get a turn!

Anybody has a better system,
let's hear it.

And what number did you draw, Callisto?

Number one.

I'm number two,
but I won't settle for second prize.

Come on.

Come on, get her later.

Gagnon just moved up another five notches.

A spirited exercise?

Now I suggest you
conserve your energies for tomorrow.

There's food waiting for you
in your rooms upstairs.

This is getting annoying.

We gotta find something
to bind that wound.

Come on.

See? I told you this drainage pipe
would lead right into the castle.

No, you wanted to storm the castle.

I wanted to try the drainage pipe.
It was me!

Me, me, me, me, me!

You know what? That is so typical of you
to say something like that...

What's the matter with you, anyway?

What is the matter with me is what I might do
if you don't shut up.

It came from that way.
I think we should go this way.

Oh, no!
We go that way.

No, no!
You're gonna walk right into the monster!

Yes!
He's really rubbing me the wrong way.

Oh, look.
The weapons our host promised us.

How generous!

A dagger and a mace...
To kill the monster...

It doesn't take an oracle
to see...

...that Sisyphus expects us
to use them against each other.

Take your shirt off.

What?

Well, you're in her body
but you still have your touch.

Warm, firm, passionate.

Yet, at the same time, gentle.

Now, Callisto, she's all animal.

You know, she starts like a cold fish,
but...

...you press the right buttons,
hold on...

It's quite a ride.

Mind you, my experience with her
is rather unique.

She was in your body at the time.

When I get my body back,
I gotta remember to take a long bath.

You know, when we were
downstairs fighting...,

...I saw that old sparkle
in your eyes, Xena.

Even being in Callisto's body,
can't hide that.

You enjoyed it.

What surprises me is I didn't.

You know, it's always come easily...
The bloodlust, the hate...

This is the first time
I've had to suffer the consequences.

Spare me, Ares.

You don't trust me?

I can't blame you,
after all I've put you through.

But a taste of mortality
has really opened my eyes.

And who knows...

Once I regain my sword,
maybe things will be...

...different.

A kinder,
gentler god of war?

We both know
that's not gonna happen.

You changed.
Why not me?

I never lied to you, Xena.
Deceived, manipulated, yeah...

...But a god need never lie.

But that's just it, Ares.
You're not a god anymore.

So as much as I'd like to believe you,
even if you believe it...

...all bets'll be off
once you get your godhood back.

And that's if you do.

I think you might be surprised
about the change you can inspire in a man.

Or a god.

So that's where I put that thing.

Sorry for the interruption.

I trust you're not
looking for an escape route.

No, your sword.

Knowing Sisyphus, he probably
has it hidden in plain sight.

Sure you don't want it
for yourself?

You'd make a magnificent
goddess of war.

Forget it, Ares.

How'd you get to be a god anyway?

Don't they have some sort of
character requirements?

You miss the point. For the job I have,
my character's perfect.

You know where you would shine?
As goddess of desire.

I said, forget it, Ares.

Well, you'd be back in your old body
and get to live forever.

With you?
I'd rather die.

This time, I take the feet.

I'll bet he was happy.
He died with his sword in his hands.

Now let's find your sword.

Love-birds singing so serene.

We live in peace and love.

-Stop doing that.
-What did I do?

Joxer, it pains me to tell you that,
all day long...

...I have fantasized about
ripping your heart out.

You know, you don't have to explain to me
what you're going through.

I understand it completely.
Matter of fact, when I was your age...

Shut up! Shut up!

Hey, it's just that kind
of bloodlust...

...I have to deal with
every day, on a regular basis.

To live in peace and love like the gentle...

Whereas, people like you,
innocent and sweet...,

...don't have that kind of
bloodlust.

Whereas, I am the picture
of self-control.

Come back here, you little winged thing.

I'm gonna rip your wings off and
mash your little body to pie.

You've snapped, haven't you?

Come on!

You want a piece of me?

Here, you come one,
you worthless piece of a centaur.

Look...

Let's not try to kill each other
until after I slay the monster.

Ok?

All right.

But I can't wait much longer.

Neither can I.

It's right down this way.
Just stick with me, you'll be all right.

Someone's coming.
When the door opens, attack.

There it is.

Now, when I open the door,
take him by surprise...

...and show no mercy.

We were right. They were
perfectly matched.

Now they're perfectly dead.

Another new experience...
I guess it's fear.

No, that's surprise.
You'll know when it's fear.

Look, Xena,
if I don't survive till morning...,

...you must claim my sword.

I told you, I don't wanna be a goddess.

Just remember the consequences
should it fall to those animals.

I never thought I'd admit it,
but you're the right man for the job.

Too bad.

"Callisto, goddess of war",
has a ring to it.

Or should I say...

..."Xena"?

Now how can you be in Callisto's body?

This must be your doing, Ares.

Well, Xena, I do hope it is you
who goes up against the Baracchus.

Oh, and good news.

Two more warlords
have dropped out.

Which puts you
two steps closer...

...to getting someone else
to push that rock in the underworld.

Isn't that right?

Is that what this so-called contest
is really about?

No.
It's about winners and losers.

Ares, don't!

Thanks for dropping in.

Get me down!

Oh, great!
Sisyphus, I'm warning you!

Xena!

Xena!

Do something!
The walls are closing!

Are you all right?

I've been hanged,
swung over a fire...

...and nearly shishkabobbed
on razor-sharp spikes.

How do you mortals get from
day to day? You know?

Give me the sword!
I'm gonna waste that monster.

No, a warrior never
gives up his sword.

Knock it off with the warrior crap.
Now give me the sword!

No! A warrior's sword
is he never gets bored with.

I can't stand it anymore!
Warrior, this! Warrior, that!

Hey!

All right, what's Callisto want?

Careful, it may be a trap.

It is a trap, and Sisyphus has set it.

But we can stop the killing
and call a truce.

While you slay the Baracchus
and win the sword. I don't think so.

Don't be fools.
Listen to her.

Behold the once-fearsome Ares.

Callisto's new lap-dog.
What a pitiful sight.

Enough talk.

We decided three against two
were better odds.

And two against one, even better.

Next?

I wouldn't turn my back
on your new partner, Virgilius.

You can't both
be the god of war.

Prepare to feel the might
of Joxer, the Invincible!

My sword!

That's it?
That's the Baracchus?

Suck on this toothpick for a while?

Somebody's gonna pay for this.

Look at me now!

If I had my sword,
I could settle this in a heartbeat.

I know where Sisyphus hid it.

This is what everyone's looking for.

Strange. This is the first time
I've had blood on my hands.

Xena...

Use the sword. Slay Ares
before he slays you, and you win.

What about that monster, Sisyphus?

The monster's dead!
I killed it!

Meet Joxer.

The new god of war.
You may bow.

Gabrielle, Joxer...

-What are you doing here?
-It's a long story.

Now, Xena, are we gonna fight?
'Cause I'm ready.

And I wanna taste blood.

Now forget the monster,
it's a big noise-making thingamajig. Like him!

Whatever. I conquered it.

-Conquer this!
-Ok.

I knew it.

All you ever wanted to do
is pit warlord against warlord.

You wanted my sword for yourself,
didn't you?

"'Send me ten of the very best warriors.",
Hades said.

Hades! I'm gonna have a word with him
when I get back to Olympus.

"'When the last dies
and replaces you...,

...then, and only then,
will you win Ares' godhood."

Ares, duck!

You saved me.
I won't forget.

Yes, you will.

He's back.

Sisyphus, give my regards to Hades.

I couldn't have done it without you, Xena.

But as for mortality, you can have it.

It's your loss, Ares.
For a while you weren't just mortal.

You were human.

Wait a minute.

You promised that Xena
would get her body back if she helped you.

I did, didn't I?

Wait! You can't betray her!
Come back!

Oh, Xena...

So, Ares is back
where he belongs.

But you're still in Callisto's body.
It's wrong.

At least people
can control their anger again.

Last one on the boat
has to row!

Then why do I still
feel like killing him?

Xena...

If Ares doesn't keep his word,
and he doesn't switch you back...

...I'll be there for you,
no matter whose body you're in.

Even a snake-haired
gorgon monster?

I'll be there, I just won't look at you.

Gabrielle, I'm proud of you.

You felt the anger, but you fought it.

It takes a lot more strength
to resist the violence...

...than to surrender to it.

Thank you.

Now, if I can just survive the boat-ride
with Joxer, I'll be fine.

Trust me, you'll be fine.
And so will I.

Xena?

It's you, right?
Not Callisto?

It's me.
Go on, test me.

Whose bodies are worse
being trapped in than Callisto's?

A snake-haired gorgon.
But not by much.

It is you.

Subtitles: @marlonrock1986 (^^V^^)