Wynonna Earp (2016–…): Season 4, Episode 9 - Crazy - full transcript

Previously,
on Wynonna Earp...

I'd just back off
a tidge if I were you.

- Rachel.
- Billy?

I want to go home.

- I'm getting married.
- It's the public stuff.

It's good to see you,
Sheriff Haught.

These days, it's just Nicole.

Nicole, it's good
to see you again.

Mam helped her
get Waverly out of the garden

in exchange for you.

- Vampire!
- The only thing



Wynonna detests more than demons

- is her exes.
- Murder her.

- Yah!
- Untie me!

You could just call him,
you know.

Really trying for High Noon,
Haught?

Isn't that what you say
after a night of drinking?

"Hi, noon."

Oh...

Only I make fun
of my drinking.

Gonna use your
fiancée's nunchuks?

My fists are my nunchuks.

Oh yeah?

Oh, you dirty bitch!

Eighteen months to practice,
all you got is older.



Oh, no!

Hey! Only I sweep her
off her feet.

Ugh... Really with
the schmoop right now?

I don't know who to cheer for.

Cheer for fitness.

Wrong!

Cheer for me,

'cause I got
Hunt for Red Haughtober

off the homestead
and into her place of work.

The only work I'm doing
is punching in at the...

punching your face factory.

Hmm. You sure?

Cop shop's just
right over there!

- Across the hall.
- Yeah! Why not just...

boop on over there
real quick. No?

- Hmm?
- Just for fun!

Et tu, Earps?

You lured me here
under false pretenses.

Nicole.

Purgatory needs a sheriff,
and it's gotta be you.

Everyone in town is saying so,
right?

Well, that's really,
really gratifying

'cause they didn't vote for me
so they don't get me.

Didn't you once say,

"Everything good I have
in my life is because

I came back to
the Ghost River Triangle"?

Didn't you once say,
"Eat a dick"

to a bunch of vampires?

I should have said,
"suck a dick."

Look, if this is guilt over
what happened with Doc...

Whoa, wow, would you look
at the time.

It's whatever o'clock,
and I have a wedding to plan.

- See you at trivia tonight.
- Wow.

That parent trap
would have made Lohan puke.

We barely even got a nibble.

And there's still a line-up
of people

in the sheriff's office.

- I was also not voted for.
- Come on.

It's not like BBD's given you
an assignment this week.

The town's nice and quiet.

Oh!

Holy shit!

The Earp heir is gonna
hate this.

She's gonna kill us.

She's gonna kill me!

Oh, no!

♪ Cause I gave you
all I got to give ♪

♪ I know that ain't
no way to live ♪

♪ I told that devil
to take you back ♪

♪ I told that devil
to take you back ♪

Hands off!

Only active-duty police
drink for free at my Shorty's.

Well, I'm sheriff emeritus.

Sheriff avoidus, more like it.

Help me set up
for trivia night.

Okay, fine, but no more
sheriff talk.

Everybody keeps asking me.

Well, you were the best...

since yours truly.

I filled out the slacks
a little better.

Know what I would like
to talk about?

Hints for tonight's trivia.

What local deputy had
the highest clearance rate

in the Ghost River Triangle
of the past ten years?

It's just not for me anymore.

You know, that sounds like

a fancy way of saying
you're butthurt.

Why would I be butthurt?

- Wait, what have you heard?
- Nothing.

Why, did you do something?

- I'm too busy, okay?
- I've got Rachel.

She's a full-time job.

And yet you're in the dark

about what she did
at her part-time job.

Oh no. Where'd she puke?

It's her invisible monster
boyfriend downstairs.

- Damn it.
- She let him out.

Ugh! Don't tell me,

community watch clocked someone
mowing their lawn in the buff.

What's up?

This life or death, Gil?

Every pharmacy is out
of moisturizer.

- Trag.
- Also, come on, man.

Where's Sheriff Clayborn?

Uh...

- Wintering on a kibbutz.
- Let's see,

any of these complaints not read
like a Yelp review?

"My neighbour put Guy Fieri-ass
flames on his car?"

Who cares?!

Oh, this one's legit.

If I ask for shredded lettuce,

you better believe
I don't want full leaf.

Look. These people are under
a lot of stress.

Supply runs have halted.

Cupboards are bare.

Not to mention everything else
that happens around here.

Exactly.

So much happens here,
so relax!

Go outside.

It's above zero out there!

'Cause right now,
things are fine.

We offed Pumpkin-head.

Amon's disappeared
into the ether, we're good.

- Ah yeah!
- You brought the lattes!

Oh...

Sorry.

No, this, this isn't mine.

Not your... cherry pie

that you spilled
all over your apron?

- Not my cherry pie.
- But a cherry pie,

which we need to investigate

because whoever's making these
cherry pies is still out there

and they might, uh...

bake again.

- Nice.
- You are terrible at codes.

- Damn.
- Go jerk off about it, Gil.

So where is this...

...murdered pie?

Didn't there used to be
a morgue?

- Oh yeah!
- Yeah, the rats took it over.

Ah, good for them.

- Who's the stiff?
- Ricky Brock.

- What a tragedy.
- Left a wife and little kids?

No. A real loner,

and, by all accounts,
a real jerk, but...

he won Shorty's trivia
last week.

Oh, my god!

Is that tragic?

No, I mean, uh...

he was part of the community.

Well, our community, not yours,
obviously, 'cause you lost.

I know I was eliminated,
but how was I supposed to know

Tobey Maguire isn't
Spider-Man anymore?

- We all know.
- Well, on the bright side,

at least it means that Ricky
won't be at tonight's trivia finals!

True!

I am so sorry.

- That is not a bright side.
- No.

Y'all brainiacs really got
your priorities out of whack.

Before I got knocked out,

I was obsessed
with trivia night too.

That aside, look at this.

Whoa!

Okay, my turn to react
inappropriately,

but we're all seeing
the vampire bite marks, right?

Yeah.

If Mr. "I Don't Shoot
People in the Back"

still bites people in the neck,
I guess I'm not so bad anymore.

And even if I am, so is he.

You don't need an excuse
to go talk to Doc.

I don't want to talk to him.

I need to talk
to him

about the... poor...

Doc couldn't have done this,
right?

No.

No, no, no, no, no!

It's a yes from me, dawg.

So we decoupled the caboose,

but then my boys and I,

we realized that the greenbacks,
they're in another car...

I have great stories too.

Mostly about killing demons.

- With this gun.
- It's okay,

you are safe.

You wanna tell everyone
you're not here to kill them?

Not everyone.

Doc, I uh,

need a private interrogation
with your moustache.

Hey.

It's okay. I get it.

You're a vamp.
You got the hungs,

that guy was num-nums.

Welcome back
to the moral low ground.

There's a great mattress
down here

we could absolutely demolish.

What you're implying...

is faulty.

I have devised a morally sound
way to satisfy my needs.

Morally sound?

Um. You're chilling
at a demon bar.

They may be demons,
but even they would never...

Oh, shoot someone in the back?

Well, how about the front?

You alright, Doc?

He's fine.

Hey. Weirdest thing...

Some demon with fangs
killed a human.

Any of you have any idea
who did it?

No one here has information
for you.

But I will keep my ear
to the ground.

From now on, I suggest

you do not just pop into
The Glory Hole.

Well, isn't that the point
of a glory hole?

Since when do you have minions?

Goddamn law enforcement.

The gun does tend
to go to their head.

Hey, Lil' Mama.

What's... shakin'?

Right, okay.

Any idea why I might've
called you here?

You so want me to be gay,
don't you?

Well, we would support you
and buy you the right albums,

but...

Nice deflection. Billy.

What happened?

You were there.

Typical teen stuff.

We should have told you
he was in the basement.

The Clantons turned him
into that thing.

And you said we'd fix him.

And from now on,

we're gonna talk more openly
about our problems.

Like Chicken-kicker?

- Rachel. You promised!
- I'm sorry!

- Rachel. You swore!
- Nicole, I'm sorry!

- You do not speak about that, ever.
- Ever, Rachel!

- I'm just...
- I'm just worked up.

Okay, my never-BF turned into
an invisible monster.

For what it's worth, he seemed
really weak when I let him out.

Not a threat at all.

But I'm still sorry.

Hey.

What are we listening to?

A podcast about Gaga.

- What?
- You sure you're not even bi?

You know,
he'd forgive you too. Doc.

If you just told him why.

Hey.

Do not start.

I know my heels
aren't touching the ground.

I was gonna mention
the two stiffs.

Oh. Yeah.

It was on me to drag
in the second body.

- I hurt my back.
- Oh...

Number two here is
trivia nights' latest winner.

Niles!

The butcher? Ugh!

He knew all the capital cities.

He even got Dodoma!

We should focus
on other things.

- Yeah.
- Like, how did this happen?

Did Doc?

That's what I thought
at first, but...

look at this.

Bite marks.

Well, actually...

Those are too far apart
to be teeth.

That means our beautiful
cowboy is in the clear, but...

Hey, what is going on
with him and Wynonna anyway?

Doc thinks that...

since Wynonna shot Holt,
she's off the chain.

Is she?

Huh.

Does this seem light to you?

Yeah. Kinda.

Whoa! Waverly!

- There's nothing obstructing it.
- It's empty!

Whoa.

No brains.

Try number one!

- Weirdly satisfying.
- Yeah!

So what, it's a brain-stealing
demon?

Why would they want
human brains?

I don't know, as a souvenir,
or a trophy?

Or something worse.

Mmm,

I can feel
the facts and numbers.

Mmm...

That the last brain, then?

Not by a shot long.

Long shot.

Is that the thing?

Not by a long shot.

We're gonna need more brains.

A lot more brains.

It's okay, I'm okay.

Don't worry. Don't worry.

Yeah, I wasn't.

Okay, Murderinos,

tell me about
my least favourite murderer.

Okay, well,
the unsub is a male,

mid-thirties, early forties.

Strong, because

the victims don't have
many defence wounds.

He seems to have incapacitated
them easily.

We're sure it's not
a sexy vampire?

- Can confirm.
- Right.

The thing is,
the murders aren't the goal.

The brains are actually
what the demon's after.

But...

the weapon that caused
these puncture marks

might be painted.

Yeah, there's a turquoise
smudging left behind,

which isn't very demonic.

Yeah, but the demon
got the brains out

without a trace
of a wound, so...

Baby girl. It's a demon.

What kind of human wants brains?

Yeah. Thank you, Wynonna.

Maybe a human
with a fetish.

Or a compulsive obsession
with intelligence.

Like a lot of killers,

he's probably frustrated
at the way he's seen.

In this case,
with being seen as smart.

Yeah, like you. Right now.

Save it for trivia,
downward don't.

You save it for trivia,
online degree.

I am going to crush you!

Okay. Alright, so, see,
see, what I think,

as a smart also,

my hunch about this guy is, uh,

he's a mur... derer. Okay?

So, so he's like a murder,
he's a murder fan.

Who likes to...

I left my rubber ducky
keychain

at the sheriff's office.

With a sign that says,

"If you have an emergency,
quack it."

Lemme guess. Your neighbour
wore white after labour day.

- No. This is serious.
- Oh.

Then what is it?

So, there's this couple,
a guy and a girl.

They were fighting.

- Did he hit her?
- No, but, I'm sure he has.

He just kept yelling at her
that he owned her.

Like, "I own you, I own you!"

And then, he threw her
into his car.

- God, that sounds awful.
- Yeah, it was.

Abusive relationship
trumps brain man. Let's go.

- Where was it?
- Oh well, they drove off.

- Did you get a plate?
- No,

but he had, he had flames
painted on the front of his car.

Like really lame.

Nosy neighbours finally
pay off.

- Got the address here.
- Okay.

Alright, let's go.

Hey...

That's not all.

What is it?

I tried to break the fight up.

Told the guy to cool off.

Did he attack you?

Oh, worse.

While he was dragging
the girl to the car,

he turned to me and he said,

"I wish you would eat shit."

Yeah, yeah that's
weird phrasing.

Yeah.

And then I went and ate shit.

I don't even like shit.

Well, we know
he has a small dick.

I probably dated him.

Open up, it's the...

Earp Sisters!

Uh, hi?

Something funny?

Yeah, I was...

thinking about something funny
I saw on the internet.

There's a guy, said something
funny and then...

his friend said something
funny back to him.

Yeah, I think I saw that one.

Doug? Doug Warner?

Used to be my name.

Used to?

Mmm...

We're coming in.

Your wish
is my command.

Any hail today?

Uh, no.

Hail is not ice pellets.

A lot of people confuse them

but it's actually different
precipitations.

Just the kind of stuff
you pick up.

Weather facts.

Neat.

Yeah, I got a lot of 'em.

Don't get me started on sleet.

You know, sleet actually
goes east west.

You know how rain is up down?

Sleet is actually all dependent
on the jet stream.

It's a big stream of wind
that flies through the...

it's just a scam perpetrated
by the post office, actually.

Hey.

Are you doing okay?

Just battling the trolls.

Listen.

We're here to help.

We can get you out.

Yeah, no you can't,
but... no big.

- What're you eating there?
- What kind of sandwich is that?

Brain.

Cow.

Girl meat sandwich.

All cows are girls.

- Boy cows are bulls.
- I too graduated kindergarten.

You think I'm dumb?

I think you have
brain on your chin.

I do? Did I get it?

I used to be dumb,

but I'm actually getting
a lot smarter.

Would you say you have a...

compulsive obsession
with intelligence?

Ginny, get in here!

Leave her the fuck alone,
Doug.

It's not Doug.

My name is Kuru!

Honestly this guy.

Ginny! Get in here!

Waverly!
He's our demon killer!

You, you don't have
to do this, Ginny.

'Scuse me.

- Peacemaker's not glowing!
- So he's kinda just a dude!

- Human.
- I am the demon Kuru.

- He's a human.
- Ginny.

No. She's not yours, buddy.

Just lemme go to him.

- Sweetheart, it's okay.
- What?

You did not just
throw brain at me!

- Argh!
- I wish her to die.

I wish her to die.
I wish her to die.

- Then come to me.
- Take my hand.

Ow! Watch the nails, girl. Ow!

Why... Oh, come on!

Shit!

No way he jumped that fence.

Hey.

Listen. We're gonna get you
somewhere safe, okay?

Well, I'm gonna go wash
this brain off my shirt, but...

- Wynonna will.
- Cool...

Can't wait to be exactly
back here in a couple hours.

Listen,
we wanna help you.

I've seen this before,
you're the victim.

Can you just put
the phone down a sec?

- Nah, I'm good.
- Okay. I get it.

I get it. I look like a cop.

Well, I'm not.

I have spent several
New Year's Eveses in drunk tanks.

You're safe with me.

Oh shit.

That's the gun that kills us.
You're her?

- Damn right. Hands up.
- Girl, it's chill.

- Okay, I'm chill.
- It's you.

You did it, didn't you?

Yes, but it's not me,
it's his wishes!

Wishes?

I'm a genie.

Kuru's wish is my command.

And his wishes
are fucking nuts.

Okay. A genie?

Did Doug find
a lamp or something?

One flamboyant genie
lives in a lamp,

now suddenly we all live
in lamps. Ugh.

- Well, what about a trophy?
- We dusted a Marzaniok once.

That's cute.

No, I just needed a new master.

Master? Honey, no.

Doug bumped into me
at the bar, and that was it.

That's how it works.

And now he calls the shots.

Not so fast.

- Show her what you got.
- Oh, yeah.

Your nails.

Same colour as the wounds
found on the murder victims.

- Your nails poison them.
- Yeah.

But only cause
he wished them to.

Why does he want you
to kill them?

He wants to be the smartest
guy in town

so he makes me kill
all the smartest people in town.

- I mean, usually keepers...
- Keepers?

You need to stop.

Okay, well, usually
they're all like,

"I want guns for hands," or like
a laser dick, but not Doug.

Why doesn't he just wish to be
the smartest guy in town?

Because he's not smart.

Okay, look.
He's already killed twice.

Three wishes.
That's all you get.

Dude wished
for infinite wishes.

Isn't that against
genie rules?

- No.
- And don't be superstitious.

Look. He has infinite wishes,

so no matter what
we talk about here,

I'm still bound to keep
makin' them all come true.

Except... you won't.

Because...

when you say he bumped into you
at the bar and became your...

Lord?

Yeah. None of the words
you're using

are working for me, okay?

You meant literally
bumped into you.

'Cause when you were
at the house,

you kept reaching
for each other.

He needs to be touching you

for his wish to come true.

Pretty much.

Okay, totally much.

- Nice.
- Thanks.

And I'm not leaving your side.

Okay, well, I hope it works,
but he is my...

- Don't say it!
- He's mine, I'm his. Forever.

- Did he wish to be immortal?
- No. I can't do that.

Or bring back people
from the dead.

Can you at least pretend
you watched Aladdin?

I'm stuck with brain-eater

- till he croaks.
- Uh. Which reminds me,

Wynonna, I need
to show you something.

Okay. Solid convo, but can
I get my phone back now?

I need to see if my tweet's
doing numbers.

Are you gonna make me
watch Aladdin?

I-I was researching obscure
diseases for trivia night

when I came across "Kuru,"

the name that Doug
wants to be called.

It's a condition
that some cannibals get

when they eat human brains.

- Like Mad Cow Disease?
- Yes, exactly.

I think that Doug
ate human brain,

got sick, googled it,

and started calling himself
by the name of that sickness.

Okay. Well, he's not exactly
the best of us.

Which is why I'm not leaving
here till he's caught.

- Yes! Great idea.
- You stay here.

- I go to trivia night.
- No, Jeremy!

We need to find a killer.

There will be other
trivia nights.

No, no, no! Tonight is
the finals! It's critical.

Jeremy.

It's your beautiful brain.

What?

Trivia night!

Ginny said he wants to find
the smartest people

so he can
eat their brains.

Your brain!

- That's nuts.
- It is,

because random trivia's
obviously not

an accurate way to judge
intelligence

otherwise I'd still be in it.

- Well...
- 100% coo-coo for Kuru Puffs!

Okay, okay. So that is why
we're all so obsessed.

- Yes. And why I'm not.
- Anymore.

It has nothing to do
with you losing?

No. It's the wish.

- Okay. Yeah, no.
- That-that makes sense

in a that-makes-no-sense
kinda way.

Great, okay, if you are
good to guard the genie,

then me, Waverly, Nicole and Doc
can go to trivia night

- and take Kuru-Doug down.
- Cool.

It shouldn't be hard.

Without his genie, he'll just be
a normal numpty. Okay.

I'm gonna call Waverly
and tell her the plan.

You call Doc.

Okay.

Okay, so it's a wish.

And the guy will be at trivia
and then we'll do a takedown?

The way you say "takedown"...

I can feel your sheriff
senses tingling.

- You loved your job.
- Well, now I love trivia.

And you.

In that order.

God, what an awful wish!

Don't change the subject.

Hey, maybe you should try
club soda on your...

Hey.

I'd lost everything.

The woman I love, my friends.

Then I lost the election.

To Holt.

It was the last straw,
so I did something.

Is this a froggy thing again?

Now everybody
in Purgatory hates me.

So?

Everyone hates Wynonna,
and she still Wynonnas.

- I'm sure it's fine.
- It's not.

Look.

Brain stain aside,

we're so close to being happy.

I never want you to blunt
your ambition.

It's one of the things
that makes you... you.

I got you back.

That's my happy.

He's gonna come get me.

Maybe you should just relax.

Genies don't relax.

Okay? I'd have to have my own
needs and desires for that,

rather than just
fulfill wishes.

You killed people.

Doug killed people.

- I did myjob.
- Right.

Genies don't kill people.
People with genies kill people.

Facts.

Well, maybe don't pick
an asshole next time.

You saying I have
bad taste in men?

I get the bad boy thing.

Doug?

- Ew. No, he's just my...
- Bah!

Uh... he's my
"wish-getting guy."

- Thank you.
- It's not romantic.

Even when they are cute,
they're all Kuru in the end.

I'd retweet that.

What's the capital
of Tanzania?

Ah! Dodoma!

I could help with those
butterflies

- if you just told me.
- Never.

Oh, my God, why am I here,
why am I here?

Why am I...

You're here because
we want to decide

who has Purgatory's
tastiest brain.

Right, yeah.

And so does the killer.

And when he comes,
we'll take him down.

Wow. Chicken-kicker
shows her face.

What did you just call her?

Alright, settle down.

Come on.

Start your brain engines,
folks.

Take your seats.

Nope. I am taking no seats.

Nicole! Wait!

I mean... I can't go with you,
but I love you!

Ow!

Argh! Great. Kuru's wish

means I literally
can't leave trivia night.

You've got to be kidding me.

At least there's no Reaper
anymore.

Alright, folks!

Now, seeing as how
this is sudden death,

you buzz in with
one wrong answer

and that's all she wrote
for you, you're done.

You dig?

Finalists?

You made it to the end?

- Oh, I don't sleep, Earp.
- Okay, remember guys,

we're here
to catch a killer.

After I best you
at Pop Culture 101.

As if, Oldie Hawn.

Also, I love you.

Question number one.

This famous songstress

is the youngest of 14 siblings.

Celine!

Looks like a fun night
ahead of us.

That one's a draw.
Question number two.

Turkmenistan!

Für Elise!

Kristy Yamaguchi!

Correct. Next question.

Ah! The archangel Gabriel.

Gah! That should've been mine!

I'm the... one who read
Paradise Lost.

- Next question.
- Dunkeroos!

Quaaludes!

Armie Hammer.

Correct.

Ooh! The planet Ork!

The Republic of Djibouti!

Justin, Joey, Chris,
JC and Lance.

Correct.

- Boron!
- No!

I'm the science guy!

Jack Ruby.

Oswald, he was a patsy.

You are correct.

Correct.

Correct.

Correct.
Correct.

- Correct.
- Yes!

Okay, here's one
for the cowboys.

Now known as
the "dead man's hand,"

what combination of cards
was Wild Bill Hickock holding

- when he was shot in the back?
- Ugh!

Mr. Holliday.

William had himself
a deuce and a seven,

which is a death
unto itself.

Dead man's hand is a pair
of aces and eights.

Uh, yeah, that is not
what he had.

I was there.

Did he just say he was there?

Yeah, wow, you really need
another mint, Bradley.

Sorry, Doc, but you're out.

This is an outrage,

I must remain in this battle
and prove that

it is I that has
the ideal brain.

Wait. Why is it still just us?

Where is the man
that calls himself Kuru?

Boo! Down in front!

- Boo!
- Move it along.

You're still my favourite,
boo.

Okay, wait. So, now,
he's the vampire demon leader?

I know, it's messed up.

Well, I can tell you,
love messed up.

At least I know my keeper.

- Hey. Stop saying that word!
- Why?

Because it's got
horrible connotations.

That's the reality
for some of us.

Both of us.

I still have the gun
that can kill you.

Or does it have you, honey?

Okay, please. Can I just quickly
just peek at my notifications?

Please?

Please.

Just don't text Doug.

Ghost him till he dies.

I'm worse than a ghost.

Ugh.

Ugh... he wished he could
walk through walls.

I wish Wynonna would open
the cell.

Why aren't you
at trivia night?

Back at the house,
I realized...

street brains.

You mean street smarts?

Street brains
are brains that I want too.

That's what you have. So, you.

Ugh.

I wish for her to say
bye-bye to her brain.

Bye-bye, brain.

- We must leave.
- The killer is not here

which means he's heading
for his genie,

putting Wynonna in danger.

- Yes, okay, yeah, you're right.
- You're right!

- Yeah. We have to help her.
- Alright,

we've done the final
calculations,

and it turns out it's a dead tie

between Waverly Earp
and Jeremy Chetri.

Come on up here for
a sudden-death playoff round.

I am
so sorry, Doc, I can't help it!

Neither can I.

If I have to do this alone,
then I will!

One question at a time,

- five seconds to answer.
- Okay.

- Dammit.
- I simply cannot miss trivia.

Literally. We cannot waste
another moment.

One of you must lose,
and post-haste.

- Well, she's your sister!
- Uh! You're found family!

You chose her. You lose.

Snap out of it!

We can't!

If we have no other choice.

I wish she would lie
on the gurney.

I guess I know
what's next.

- What's that?
- You get me to finish the job.

Mm-hmm.

Fine!

- I wish for a knife.
- Doug.

Kuru!

I am the demon Kuru.

I will be removing this brain...

...myself.

Doc! Hey, what's going on
up there?

Jeremy and Waverly
are caught in a stalemate.

And I believe Wynonna
to be in grave danger.

So I take it you're stuck
here too?

Well, I suppose we all are
until trivia ends,

when one of them
answers incorrectly.

Or doesn't answer at all.

We'll need a distraction.

We need Chicken-kicker.

Okay. Next question.

- According to Greek mythology...
- Hey. Phone. Now.

Oh, please don't check
my browser history.

Okay, we'll talk
about that later.

- Rachel, I need the video.
- What video?

The video. Chicken-kicker.

- I deleted it.
- I respect the ban.

No one in their right mind
would delete that video.

It's in a folder marked
"Tax Stuff."

Clever girl.

Okay, I just need to find
the Bluetooth.

Waverly Earp.

A tribe in Papua New Guinea
is affected by this condition

- when eating brain.
- Oh!

Goodbye, self-respect.

Hello.

You losers didn't vote for me
for Sheriff,

but I stayed!

I'm the one
who stayed!

And now you just wanna stuff
your dumb faces

while celebrating Holt?!

Waverly, do you have
an answer?

Well, fuck your votes,
fuck your dinner!

And fuck this chicken!

Your chance to win
the tournament.

Kuru!

Kuru!

Yes! Jeremy Chetri,

you have the biggest,
tastiest brain in Purgatory!

Yeah!

What?

I'm sorry, I'm sure
your brain tastes terrible.

Praise be.

Ginny! Ginny,
get Peacemaker! Help!

I can't do shit.

Help!

And I need a more
Zen atmosphere.

I wish for her
to stop screaming.

You know, I don't feel so good.

I wish for a bigger knife.

Sure, that's
what's stopping you.

I am Kuru!

I am Kuru,
and I can be strong too.

I can be st...

Just come to me
and I'll take care of it.

I need street brains.

I wish...

I tried, Wynonna,
but it is what it is.

Whoa! What the hell! Ah!

He's dead, Wynonna.

- Were you gonna let him cut me?
- Uh, I was killing time.

His cannibal brain's been
rotting for weeks.

It was obv he was
about to kick it, so...

Sup, Doc. Where ya been?

You alright?

It's all Kuru, baby.

So, who had the tastiest brain?

So this is yours?

Hey... I'm Ginny.

A drink for the champion!

- Oh! Hey!
- Do you wanna try on the hat?

- I'm good.
- Nah, seriously,

- you should try it on.
- Nah.

I don't have to sit here
if you don't want me to.

And miss my opportunity

to speak with
the Chicken-kicker herself?

Okay, well,

anything that you want to know
on chicken kicking,

I will happily oblige.

But I know there's something
else you'd rather hear about.

You were gonna trade me
to the Clantons?

- Look.
- There's no excuse, okay?

But... I had reasons.

It brought Waverly home to me.

- I was a part of that too.
- I know.

I will be forever grateful.

Doc, I'm sorry,
but I had to be sure.

What'd they even
want with me?

No clue.

But I knew that whatever
it was,

that you could handle it.

And if you didn't, then
we were gonna figure it out.

Together.

'Cause I'd fight
for you too, Doc.

I appreciate that,
Sheriff Haught.

You know you're the only one
who still calls me that, right?

The badge alone does not
give the authority.

Yeah. Tell that to the people
who saw me kick a chicken.

Chicken!

Why don't you tell them?

Hey, everybody, listen up!

Yeah. You getting this? Good.

Show of hands here:

who voted for me?

Well, I don't care.
I'm not embarrassed about it.

We all do things
we regret, right?

So yeah, okay.

I am Chicken-kicker.

Yeah, ya are!

But I'm still gonna be
your sheriff.

'Cause I made a promise.

I made a promise
to serve and protect

every single person
in this town.

Even those that break the law.

Or slice their grilled cheese
sandwich lengthwise instead

of diagonally, which...
I've never understood.

Or don't like me...

because I'm an outsider.

Because I'm gay.

I don't care that she's gay!

Even those who literally
ate feces.

You eat shit one time
and it's...

It's kinda like kicking
a chicken.

One time.

You know, folks,
we've all made mistakes.

And it usually happens with
things we care about the most.

We do need you,
Sheriff Haught.

- Revote's unanimous.
- You're reinstated.

Oh, my God.

I finally get
Wynonna's bad boy thing.

Chicken-kicker is hot.

Here to be my matriarch?

No.

But we got him.

- The disease got him.
- Did it?

- Or do all your... masters...
- Careful.

...die like that?

- Diseased and full of rot.
- Doug was sick.

Dude ate brain.

See, what I think,

having a genie,

all that choice,
it makes them insane.

And then you get to kill
for them. You like it.

Well, I was just doing
what I have to do.

I'm the victim.

You said so yourself.

You may be a genie,
but you are still a demon.

He was just some idiot.

And you'll find another one.

You're too powerful a weapon.

I realized it when you got Doug
to wish for me to be quiet.

I couldn't listen
to you cry for help

when I couldn't help you!

You gotta listen
to the screams.

You have to look the cost
of this in the eye

and tell it to go fuck itself.

Okay.

You want a new choice?

Have all the choices you want.

I've already had a curse.

I can stop what's coming.

I can stop what's coming.

I could make him
love you again.

Hmm.

Make Doc choke it down.

I get it.

I'm poison too.

With a psychotic gun
for a master.

We're the same.

The difference is that...

you have a way out.

No, you don't have to.

Genie.

You're free.