Wynonna Earp (2016–…): Season 4, Episode 5 - Episode #4.5 - full transcript
‐ Special agent Arp.
‐ Welcome back to BBD.
‐ The Clantons are in Purgatory.
We vow to never forgive.
‐ Sheriff Holt
and Cocaine Cleo are Clantons?
And that creature
answers to them.
‐ We can't hang out anymore.
I offer myself!
‐ Now that Waverly
has been returned safely to you,
it's time for you to deliver.
‐ Stay away from us.
You're better than this.
‐ What do you want me to do?
‐ I want you to act
like Wyatt Earp's
great‐great‐granddaughter.
‐ Together we take back
the Black Badge offices
in Purgatory,
then we hunt
some goddamn demons.
‐ Oh! Boner alert!
‐ Yeah, you look
pretty good too...
Sis. ‐ Yeah, we can get it.
You ready? ‐ Ready?
Feel like I've been waiting
my whole life.
‐ C'mon.
‐ Oh, I can't believe
I'm walking down the aisle
to become Waverly Earp's wife.
‐ Well, you sacrificed a lot
to keep this place safe.
‐ Well, this place is my home,
and you guys are my family.
‐ If you say so.
‐ Wynonna, where's Waverly?
‐ She's not coming.
Not after what you did.
‐ What did I do?
‐ I want to hear you say it.
‐ I...
I can't!
I really can't.
Light me up.
After all,
this is a celebration.
‐ A celebration...
‐ You ready?
Fire.
Fire!
Fire!
‐ Baby! Baby!
Baby. Baby.
‐ Mornin'.
‐ What are you doing sneaking
around my barn?
‐ What are you doing sleeping
with a pistol
under your pillow?
‐ It's my bedroom.
I'll ask the questions.
‐ I've been keeping watch.
‐ Over me? ‐ Over all of you.
As of late, we have been
under siege.
‐ Hey.
"Fastest gunslinger
in the west."
I outdrew you.
‐ I did not draw at all.
‐ Have you ever been outdrawn?
‐ Honestly?
No.
‐ Do you not need to...
...sleep anymore
now that you're...
‐ It's one of the benefits
of my condition.
‐ We don't talk
about that anymore.
‐ There is much we fail
to discuss.
‐ Talking is overrated.
‐ Hmm.
Doc? ‐ Hmm?
‐ Did you eat another fireman?
Waverly! ‐ Nicole! Rachel!
‐ I put... I put it out,
but we lost the couch.
And most of your porn.
‐ Oh, my God! Waverly!
Shit!
Waverly, wake up!
Breathe, asshole!
Waverly!
Wake!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Don't ever do that to me again.
‐ I don't actually know
what I did.
‐ Luckily this old house
was built by strong hands
from stubborn wood.
‐ That's what I used to call
my last boyfriend.
Inappropriate.
‐ Because he died?
Or because he's Waverly's
angel‐dad?
‐ Yes.
‐ Did someone go into
a TikTok trance and forget
they were cooking again?
‐ This isn't on me.
Besides, the fire started
in the living room.
‐ Were you two...
on the couch, and then...
'Cause that's why
they make lube.
‐ That's not why they make lube.
‐ Agree to disagree.
Okay, so if it wasn't Rachel,
or us...
You guys think someone
attacked us?
‐ You mean, attacked us again?
The Clantons.
‐ We don't know for sure
it was them.
‐ Well then, who was it?
Doc was keeping watch.
‐ All these prints are our own.
‐ Like what, you've memorized
our shoe sizes?
‐ Correct.
There are no foreign prints
or scents on the perimeter.
Whatever lit the fire,
did not get here on foot.
‐ So it was supernatural.
‐ Perhaps.
‐ Are the Clantons supernatural?
‐ Well, that Reaper they sent
after me,
that slashed me
with its Flo Jo nails...
‐ That Billy called off
with his DIY root canal...
‐‐ That Doc couldn't kill
with his fancy six‐shooter...
Yeah, that thing
was definitely supernatural.
‐ Except it walked on two legs.
‐ So you're saying we just
let them keep coming at us?
‐ I am urging us to find a more
measured response.
‐ This coming from the guy
who works for the biggest
Demon Dong Corleone in town.
‐ I have never seen Amon's...
I definitely do not know
the size of the...
‐ Let's go take a look.
Say hello to my little friend!
I thought you'd be wider.
‐ Wynonna Earp.
The Wynonna Earp.
Doc. I'm so happy
you finally brought her here
to meet me.
‐ Well, she goes
where she pleases.
Despite my protestations.
‐ So you must be Amon.
‐ And in the future,
if you want to hurt me,
just say please.
‐ You seem nice.
‐ We need information.
Somebody tried to set
the Earp Homestead ablaze.
‐ Hmm...
Only a coward would set fire
to a home full of women.
‐ That's kind of sexist.
And you can just say
The Clantons.
I know it was them.
‐ Um, we try not to say
the "C" word around here.
They've always been a scourge.
‐ Ebenezer or McDuck?
‐ No, love, it's scourge.
Not Scrooge.
‐ Well, if they're not Scrooge,
then what are they?
Demon, Revenant?
‐ Less and a little more
than all of that.
Wynonna...
I think it's high time
that you got your magic gun
and fought back.
‐ Well, that's great advice,
Dorothy Dix‐head.
But I don't know
where Peacemaker is.
‐ But I do.
‐ Yeah, okay, this is gonna
have to go too.
You can take it or donate it
to some sort of...
stripper charity.
‐ Give me one good reason
why I shouldn't pluck
your eyes out like grapes.
And then steal these shades.
‐ Look at me.
I am the captain, now.
By order of BBD.
I trust you received
the paperwork
handing this office back to me?
‐ I did.
‐ Good.
‐ Argh!
‐ One less thing for the movers
to get rid of.
And they'll be here soon.
Along with my team
of special agents,
so feel free to leave
at any time.
Thank you.
‐ For God's sakes,
grow some balls, brother,
before this entire town gets
pulled out from underneath us.
‐ Mam told us to stand down.
You really want
to cross her again?
‐ Aren't you tired of waiting
for someone else
to make our fate?
‐ I've made my fate.
But I'd be lying
if I didn't say, I am tired.
Waverly, Ms. Haught.
‐ We know what you did.
‐ What's that?
Beat you out for being Sheriff?
‐ Hey! You came!
‐ Of course we came!
‐ Hey!
‐ You kinda fell off
the face of the earth on me.
‐ Uh... there was a lot
going on.
And I knew
you could handle yourself.
‐ Is that what I did?
‐ We brought you
an office‐warming gift!
‐ Oh! Wicked!
Wha‐‐ What do I put in it?
‐ Balls! ‐ I love balls!
‐ I know!
‐ Why do you smell like burnt
marshmallow cologne?
Is it unisex?
‐ So, one of the benefits
of owning a club
is demons generally
can't hold their liquor.
‐ I'm not drinking
that roofie‐colada.
‐ Yeah, they're just
a bunch of sad,
lonely, horny,
sometimes literally horny...
demons, drinking
and running their mouths.
‐ Much the same as you are now.
‐ So I heard...
a few talk about a place...
where cherished but forgotten
items end up.
‐ Peacemaker wasn't forgotten.
She just kinda disappeared
on me.
‐ And why, pray tell,
would you help a demon‐hunter
find her demon slaying weapon?
‐ Well, because The Clantons
are more powerful than me.
And I don't bottom for anyone.
Not even you. ‐ Oh!
Isn't he like your boss?
You should call H. R.
‐ There is a catch.
The people who have Peacemaker
are going to want an offering.
‐ Gold, frankincense?
Tickets to Lizzo?
‐ Once you have what they need,
they'll find you.
‐ And if this turns out to be
a wild goose chase,
we're gonna come back here and‐‐
‐ Kill the shit out of you.
‐ What she said.
‐ Fucking Clantons.
‐ These are the last
of the BBD files
we had stashed at the Homestead.
‐ Nice. Uh, just put them
by the cabinets. Thanks.
‐ There.
That should keep out
Blah and Order for a while.
‐ Get over here, Nerd‐Burger!
‐ Hey!
‐ You are a welcome sight
for these sore eyes.
‐ Doc.
Oh, it feels so good to be home.
And in your arms.
‐ Alright. So, g‐‐
Boners, listen up...
Turns out The Clantons
are more than meets the eyes.
Amon wouldn't say exactly what,
but he's scared of them.
And...
He knows where Peacemaker is.
‐ A demon wants to help you
find Peacemaker?
‐ We do not know how accurate
this intelligence is.
‐ So where is it? Spill!
Okay, well, I don't know, but...
Yo! Extreme Makeover:
Homo Edition,
kill the drill.
‐ Sorry.
You know me and power tools.
‐ It is risky, to put our faith
in a demon
with questionable morals.
‐ I don't know, worked for me
in the past.
‐ I mean, what choice
do we have?
All my BBD weapons failed you.
‐ Uh, yeah. We scoured
the GRT for Peacemaker
and... Yahtzee.
‐ We really need to teach you
how to play that game properly.
‐Mm‐hmm. ‐ So then we agree.
Even though Amon is a sexy...
‐ Ahem!
‐ Sketchy... demon douche,
I have to trust him.
‐ The team appears
to be unanimous.
‐ Yeah. Speaking of the team,
has anyone seen Rachel
since this morning?
‐ At the Rec Center.
So lame. Barf emoji.
Home for dinner... maybe.
‐ Huh. Who knew the Ghost
River Triangle had a museum.
‐ Literally everyone?
‐ They shouldn't let
mean girls in here.
This should be a sacred space
for geeks.
Like Comic‐Con.
‐ Special Collections.
A woman scorned.
‐ She doesn't even go here!
Now you mu‐see‐um,
now you don't.
Wrong turn, MapQuest.
...working as a stunt
consultant on the film set...
‐ Is this the guy
from Big Lebowski?
‐ I've been called many things,
Hero, lawman, murderer.
But destiny is that
which we are drawn towards.
And fate...
is that which we run into.
So you tell me
if I had a choice.
‐ No, Wynonna.
That is your great,
great‐grandfather.
Wyatt Earp.
‐ Hello.
Whoa! Okay, uh, sorry.
Did not mean to pull
a Wynonna on you.
Why is Cleo's couch still here?
‐ Um, well, you know... ‐ We...
‐ we asked the movers,
um, to put it back...
‐ So we could all have
a place to hang out.
‐ Oh. Okay, yeah. "Hang out".
Is that what the queer lady
kids are calling it these days?
‐ Look. Binders!
‐ These are the archives
that BBD had
on the Old West Families
of the GRT.
‐ Oh, cool!
‐ There must be something
in here that can help us
figure out
what The Clantons are.
‐ Yeah and how to take them down
in case Wynonna
can't find Peacemaker.
‐ She's gonna find Peacemaker.
‐ I couldn't.
‐ Yeah, well,
you're not the Earp heir.
‐ Would you have called
more often if I was?
‐ On my phone
that was being monitored?
‐ Jeremy, where is Robin?
‐ Look, all that matters
is he's safe.
We should get to work.
‐ Okay. You're being super
cagey about this.
‐ Yeah, Nicole,
because a lot of stuff
happened while they...
While you were in the Garden.
And everyone
that was left behind, we just...
We all did
what we had to do to survive.
Okay?
Shit, I'm sorry.
I think I'm allergic
to leopard print, or...
‐ What is happening to me?
‐ I can't wait anymore.
It's been over a year.
Can you help?
‐ I would very much like to,
but the price is steep.
‐ I will do...
I will do, I will do anything
to get her back.
Please.
‐ Even this?
‐ If you'll save them
from the Garden.
No....
No, I couldn't
have promised that.
‐ Nicole, what's wrong?
Hey. Hey.
‐ Waverly,
it's all coming back to me.
I... I did something terrible
when you were in the Garden.
‐ What?
‐ I‐I...
‐ Sweetie, it's okay.
Just spit it out.
Oh, my God.
You ate a billion frogs.
‐ In 1878, I was at a card tabl
in Texas,
and a man drew a pistol
at my back.
I heard the shot, and I smelled
the gun powder.
My would‐be executioner
behind me fell.
Shot to death
by a dentist, of all things.
John Henry Holliday
saved my life.
I knew then, I was bound to him.
Forever.
‐ Who was the shooter?
‐ It never occurred to me
to inquire.
Any man that would shoot
another man in the back
does not deserve
to be known, or remembered.
‐ You miss it, don't you?
‐ The rules were simpler then.
‐ Like "don't try
to steal our baby"?
‐ Rosita.
‐ If Revenants
were still around,
she'd be my first
appointment back
when I got Peacemaker.
Let's talk about
the O. K. Corral.
I have resisted in the past...
It made you famous.
‐ That is true.
But I knew there'd never
be peace in Tombstone,
or anywhere else with those
vermin Clantons around.
To tell the truth, I was glad
when Doc Holliday
took the first shot.
What's the point of locking up
backwater scum...
‐ I did not shoot first.
Sooner or later,
they simply slide
through the bars,
makes everything dirty again.
That man was the most
talented loose cannon
I ever did see.
At the end of our...
time together,
I just rolled Doc off whatever
whore he was enjoying
on that particular day,
and point him in the direction
of someone who needed
to be got clean through.
‐ Geezers get fuzzy.
They remember things
the way they want to.
Not the way they happened.
‐ Yeah, well, I do not have
the luxury of growing old
and forgetting
all the things I have done.
‐ Well, next time
don't make a deal
with a stone witch
and then became a vampire.
What would Wyatt
think of all this?
Do you think
he'd be proud of me?
‐ I am no longer certain
that you would be proud of him.
Come now. We have a heist
to attend to.
‐ Ugh...
‐ You are massacring that onion.
Your hand still hurting?
‐ Yeah, but I guess
I deserve it.
‐ Nobody deserves this.
‐ Wish you'd tell her that.
‐ You first.
‐ You're always so goddamn
emotional.
‐ It's from the onion.
‐ My whole life, I obsessed
over the happenings
at the O. K. Corral.
Half a minute that wiped out
our entire clan.
But now...
finally, I have cause
for celebration.
When I die,
the charm that I possess
will pass to my children.
Now, I have spent many
long nights
worrying over which of you
will get the gift.
Made me near sick with dread,
thinking our legacy
would be left
in your bumbling hands.
But then I read
something on Oprah‐dot‐com,
made me change my tune.
"I will not...
give my power over
to the circumstances
of my life."
‐ Mam, what are you saying?
‐ I have set the wheels
in motion
for the end of our enemies.
To the end... of the Earps.
So why is it you two
look like you're at a funeral?
‐ If it's all the same to you,
I'd like to know the plan
before I celebrate it.
‐ Yeah, um, how exactly
do you plan
on killing the Earps?
‐ Honey, the Earps
and Doc Holliday
don't deserve death.
They deserve to be destroyed.
By one another.
‐ Damn women's softball league.
‐ I need booze!
‐ You look like you need
an ambulance.
‐ Whatever's wrong with her,
it can't be fixed
with modern medicine.
‐ Have you tried chicken soup
and a One Day At A Time
marathon?
‐ Tequila. I gotta get
the taste of frogs
out of my mouth.
‐ Did you say frogs?
‐ Oh boy, did she ever.
‐ Well yeah, apparently
she did something terrible.
But every time she tries
to tell us what it is,
she throws up.
‐ So we're dealing with what,
some kind of hex?
With all the new creatures
in town, it could be anything.
A warlock? An incubus?
A SpongeBob?
‐ Aww. You did research!
Sort of.
‐ We tried guessing for her too.
But every time we do,
it's Big‐Vom‐Dot‐Com.
‐ Oh...
‐ I don't...
‐ No, you just shut
your frog hole.
No! Not on the froggies.
What? It's not their fault.
Sweetie... ‐ I need a pen!
If I can't tell you guys,
maybe, I can...
‐ Okay, okay, okay...
You were cursed by...
Sperm?
‐ What?
‐ No. I think they're tadpoles.
‐ That makes
much more sense. Yup.
‐ I was trying to write words!
‐ Look, it seems to me the thing
to do here
is to forget about the cause.
We need to focus on a cure.
‐ Okay.
What‐‐
‐ Oh, my God. ‐ Indeed.
‐ You're sure this is it?
‐ Only someone truly evil
would value this abomination.
‐ It's called "A Woman Scorned".
You know who got scorned?
The doink who paid actual money
for this wank of art.
So, um...
Should I slip into my Catsuit
and slink through
the security lasers?
‐ As much as I would love
to see that...
we have already dawdled
too long.
‐ Right. So we shoot out
the cameras,
knock out the elderly volunteer
behind the desk,
and hop a train to Mexico.
‐ Or...
‐ Still hot.
‐ You can't just like,
take stuff.
‐ Wise words from a leader
of tomorrow.
Get bent, Regina Bored!
Now what?
‐ Amon said once
we procured the painting,
the collectors would appear.
‐ That's a big ass tramp stamp.
‐ It's a Celtic Sisters Knot.
It symbolizes sisterhood
and the strong, eternal bond
that women share.
I once made the acquaintance
of some sorority sisters
from Wesleyan.
They did in fact have tattoos
of that symbol on their‐‐
‐ Great story.
‐ Ahh!
‐ What in tarnation?
Wynonna?!
‐ What the... hell‐o?!
‐ Welcome to the Sanctuary
of the Scorned Woman.
‐ Oh damn.
J. C. ghost you on Bumble?
‐ These are dangerous
and uncertain times,
Wynonna Earp.
‐ Oh great, you've heard of me.
Wait. Is that great?
‐ This sanctuary is a place
of cleansing
for women who have lost
their way.
Women like you.
Says who, Mother Inferior?
I'm exactly where I want to be.
‐ I see I've struck a chord.
‐ Yeah. You struck
the whole damn choir, Whoopi.
‐ You misunderstand me.
I'm releasing these women
from the judgments
they've placed on themselves.
I could do the same for you.
I'm not really
a habit kind of gal.
Unless those habits include,
uh, you know,
cheap whiskey and broody men.
I'm just here because you have
something that belongs to me.
And... vicey‐versey.
Purga te, mulier,
et liberi eritis.
‐ Hey, you break it,
you bought it.
Holy shit.
‐ I don't want the painting.
I want the woman
in the painting.
‐ And I want my sword‐gun back.
‐ Then take it.
‐ Peacemaker, where you at,
Mama?
It's me, old girl. It's Wynonna.
Peacemaker, come!
‐ Perhaps the weapon
is rejecting you
because its duty to you
is complete.
‐ Now you listen to me, godda‐‐
Gosh doink‐it!
The curse may be broken,
but they still need me.
Alright, everybody still
needs me to keep them safe.
So this thing between you and I
ain't over until
I say it's over!
‐ Perhaps it's time for you
to choose a life of peace.
‐ How?
When the monsters keep coming
and coming,
how am I supposed to live
a normal life?
And why the fuck
would I want to?
‐ Wa
‐ Uh, best you refrain
from saying something
we'll both regret.
I don't know where Wynonna went,
but if it was a trap
it wasn't set by me.
Because, I don't pick sides.
I'm in it for myself.
Does that sound familiar?
‐ You would do well...
...not to compare yourself
to me.
‐ Oh, come on, Doc.
It's a compliment.
It's how we've both managed
to survive for centuries.
‐ I am no cockroach.
‐ No. But you're still alive.
‐ Noble men do not have
the luxury of being neutral
in times of war.
We have not been
formally introduced.
‐ I know who you are,
you know who I am.
So what do you actually want?
‐ There are more traditional
spots for a man like you
to wet his whistle.
‐ I'm not a traditionalist.
I just wanted a beer.
‐ You are a bold sort,
I will give you that.
The whole Clanton lot.
‐ You keep my family's name
out of your mouth, you hear?
‐ You would be dead
before you drew.
‐ This whole "Fastest Gunslinger
in the West"?
Is that something
to be proud of?
Shooting people who don't
have a chance to fight back?
‐ Some people deserve
to be shot.
‐ And who decides that?
Because the history books
say one thing,
my family says another.
So you tell me...
Do you deserve a bullet?
Or do I?
Maybe... I let fate decide?
‐ Whatever side we fight on,
the blood we shed to win the war
will damn us all.
‐ It's not a war, Holliday.
It's just a town.
Filled with women who would
have us both
fight to the death.
‐ Hey. ‐ I'm sorry, Waverly.
‐ No. Don't apologize.
I like taking care of you.
I'd be happy do it
for the rest of our lives.
‐ Yeah. I guess we gotta
talk about the engagement...
‐ Yeah.
But it's hard to make it
a priority,
when, you know, you're voiding
amphibians.
‐ No, it's not that, Waverly.
It's that I‐‐
‐ You did something terrible.
Right? But you being you,
how terrible could it be?
‐ Okay, guys.
I have dug up three
possible cures.
Option number one:
a spell‐reflecting ceremony.
Worst case scenario,
we do it wrong,
and you turn into a demon dog.
‐ Ugh, pass.
I'm a cat person.
‐ Yeah, me too. Okay...
Option number two:
an exorcism where we drown you
in salted holy water.
‐ Drown me?
‐ You caught that part, huh?
‐ Yeah. We are not
drowning my girlfriend.
‐ Okay, fine.
Option number three:
we brew an antidote soup
made out of fennel,
jasmine, and nettles.
‐ That sounds okay.
‐ Worst case scenario?
‐ If we don't get the correct
ratio of ingredients,
uh, your intestines
might turn into snakes.
These really
were the only choices.
‐ Okay, so, uh... let's do um...
...snake‐gut soup?
‐ Yeah.
‐ Plus with Purgatory's best,
brightest, most beautiful
brains on the case,
I mean, I'm gonna be cured
in no‐‐
‐ Okay...
‐ What in unholy hell
have you been eating?
‐ I got it.
It's like she puked
the Dagobah System.
‐ I come bearing apology beer.
Waverly told me everything.
I'm really sorry
about Spewapalooza.
Obviously the Clantons
came after me,
and you got caught
in the frog fire.
‐ It wasn't you, Wynonna.
‐ I wouldn't blame you
for not wanting
to join this family, honestly.
First it's Revenants,
then frogs,
next it'll be fiery hail
and locusts.
‐ Well, it would take a lot more
than some Egyptian plagues
to keep me from wanting
to marry your sister.
‐ Then what are you two
waiting for?
‐ I'm scared Waverly
won't want to
when she finds out what I did.
‐ Pfft. I wanna ask
what that is,
but I just de‐honked my boots.
Well, here's what I know
you didn't do...
You didn't give up on us
when we were in the Garden.
And a year and a half,
that's a long time
to keep the faith.
‐ Thing is, I did give up.
Not at first.
At first, I believed
that Waverly, and you,
and Doc were gonna
get home safe.
Then 18 months went by,
and so I woke up one day and...
‐ Nicole. Did you do
something to get us home?
Never mind, I didn't ask,
I didn't ask. La‐la‐la‐la.
‐ Oh, God.
‐ Do you wanna hear
my sob story?
‐ Un‐huh, I do, really.
‐ Peacemaker actively
rejected me today.
‐ You want me to frog‐barf
on her?
‐ Yes.
I did manage to get my hands
on this stupid thing.
Finding this scorned woman
is the only shot I have
at getting my gun back.
But this...
This could be anywhere, so...
‐ Oh, well, that's Steve Gulch.
‐ Who now?
‐ I once had to rescue
these two guys named Steve,
they fell there while
they were bouldering,
and got stuck. Naked.
‐ There are no good men left.
‐ Mm, definitely no good Steves.
‐ Jesus, Haught, should I‐‐
‐ No, no, I'm good.
I'm good, I just...
I'm gonna just go check
on that cure.
‐ Are you alright?
‐ Better than Nicole.
‐ We're almost done.
We just have to let it simmer
for an hour and then...
Babe?
No! ‐ What are you doing?!
‐ Oh, my God! ‐ I'm so sorry...
‐ Oh! Quick. Help me save some!
‐ Yeah, okay.
‐ You are certain
the gun was there?
‐ Yeah. I could feel it.
I just couldn't make it come.
That's what she said.
I guess it makes sense,
I'm not...
...the heir anymore,
now that the curse is broken.
Or much of anything.
‐ You are everything.
‐ Wait, what did you mean,
at the museum,
that I might not be proud
of Wyatt?
‐ We were immortalized as heroes
for murdering
a family of ne'er‐do wells.
‐ The Clantons were dickheads.
They took whatever they wanted,
they murdered people,
stole their land.
‐ It was the Old West.
The only difference
between them and us
were the stars
pinned to our chests.
I have often been left
to ponder, Wynonna...
whether or not this legacy
of bloodshed
will be the ruin
of everyone we love.
Perhaps, we should take our cue
from an ironically
named Buntline.
Could be we should aspire to...
make peace.
‐ Oh, my God. Did everyone
take Gandhi pills this morning?
What up, Kermit?
What the hell, Bog Breath?!
Ahh! Son of a‐‐
Jesus. Squeeze harder!
‐ Why are you fighting Nicole?!
She started it! ‐ What?
‐ Look away, baby girl. ‐ Why?
‐ 'Cause gingers are bleeders.
‐ Wynonna! ‐ Well...
‐ Babe.
‐ Come on.
‐ Oh no. No, no, no.
‐ What the hell was that?
‐ The darkest of magics.
‐ Well, that's it.
Hide your kids, hide your wives!
Because we are storming
the fucking castle.
And by castle, I mean ranch!
And by storming, I mean
we are putting the "kill"
back in Kill‐lanton‐‐
Can you not do that right now
during my rousing speech?
I even just dropped an F bomb.
‐ Those are my clothes.
‐ The ones you were wearing
last night before bed.
‐ They smell of gasoline.
‐ I started the Homestead fire.
‐ Let's go.
‐ Wynonna. You need Peacemaker.
‐ We don't have time, Nicole.
Look what they did to you.
Look what they tried
to make you do to us!
‐ Those creatures they have...
Without Peacemaker,
this is a suicide mission.
‐ I agree. ‐ Of course you do.
‐ Look. Don't jump to Plan Z
before we've even tried Plan A.
‐ Which is what, exactly?
‐ We have to find the woman
in the painting,
and bring her to the sanctuary.
‐ Yeah. And then,
if Peacemaker
doesn't show itself...
Then we take on the Clantons,
and their monsters, together.
‐ Fine. You go find some rope,
'cause you're gonna
tie up your girlfriend.
‐ Won't be the first time.
‐ Okay.
‐ We need mount up
for the gulch.
‐ Are you okay with this?
‐ Well, I don't want you
to kamikaze yourself for me.
‐ Let's go.
‐ There is not much left.
All of it went down the sink.
‐ Make it tighter.
Waverly, it has to be tighter!
‐ Well, I don't want
to hurt you.
‐ Maybe just go get
the handcuffs from upstairs.
‐ Okay. Good idea.
‐ No. No, I'm not gonna do it!
‐ Hello?
‐ Hey. ‐ Hey.
They're here.
‐ Oh. Better let me.
I'm the pro. ‐ Sure.
‐ At least, I used to be.
I just need you
to know one thing.
‐ Okay.
‐ I love you, Waverly Earp.
And no matter what happens,
those are the truest words
I'll ever speak. ‐ Baby.
What the hell?
What the hell?
Nicole. Nicole!
Jeremy, do something! ‐ I am!
But you're not gonna like it!
Wait, wait.
You're sure about this?
You know we don't have
another choice.
‐ No, no, no, no.
‐ Yeah... ‐ No, no!
Argh, I'm gonna kill you!
‐ I gotta talk
to that softball league.
‐ Nedley...
Okay, hey, before you say
anything, I am so, so sorry
that I spent the last year
and a half trying to kill you.
‐ Well, to be fair,
I was a puffball monster.
And I did eat several
people's pets.
‐ I should've known it was you.
And I shouldn't have given up.
Because that's what I did.
I gave up.
‐ Nicole...
‐ Time and time again,
you have been there for me.
And I let you down.
I let everyone down. But today,
I'm going to change that.
‐ You need my help.
‐ It's a big ask.
‐ Whatever you need.
‐ I need you to kill me.
You know,
I don't care how many Steves
fell down here,
it's still a dumb name.
‐ Well, finally something
we do agree on.
‐ Don't get testy with me.
You're the famous gunslinger
who's turned into Jane Fonda
all of a sudden.
‐ Well, her work‐outs
are sublime.
‐ Being the Earp heir
is the only job
I've ever had
that I was good at,
besides strip club DJ.
Just because you're rejecting
your legacy,
doesn't mean
I have to reject mine.
‐ A fine pair we are.
Blood on our hands,
and both too stubborn
to wash them off.
It appears we have found
our Woman Scorned.
‐ Oy, lady!
You're coming with us!
Rosita?!
No!
Your survival instinct's
kicking in!
Jeremy!
‐ Hey. I know how this looks,
but I'm asking you to trust us.
‐ Welcome back to BBD.
‐ The Clantons are in Purgatory.
We vow to never forgive.
‐ Sheriff Holt
and Cocaine Cleo are Clantons?
And that creature
answers to them.
‐ We can't hang out anymore.
I offer myself!
‐ Now that Waverly
has been returned safely to you,
it's time for you to deliver.
‐ Stay away from us.
You're better than this.
‐ What do you want me to do?
‐ I want you to act
like Wyatt Earp's
great‐great‐granddaughter.
‐ Together we take back
the Black Badge offices
in Purgatory,
then we hunt
some goddamn demons.
‐ Oh! Boner alert!
‐ Yeah, you look
pretty good too...
Sis. ‐ Yeah, we can get it.
You ready? ‐ Ready?
Feel like I've been waiting
my whole life.
‐ C'mon.
‐ Oh, I can't believe
I'm walking down the aisle
to become Waverly Earp's wife.
‐ Well, you sacrificed a lot
to keep this place safe.
‐ Well, this place is my home,
and you guys are my family.
‐ If you say so.
‐ Wynonna, where's Waverly?
‐ She's not coming.
Not after what you did.
‐ What did I do?
‐ I want to hear you say it.
‐ I...
I can't!
I really can't.
Light me up.
After all,
this is a celebration.
‐ A celebration...
‐ You ready?
Fire.
Fire!
Fire!
‐ Baby! Baby!
Baby. Baby.
‐ Mornin'.
‐ What are you doing sneaking
around my barn?
‐ What are you doing sleeping
with a pistol
under your pillow?
‐ It's my bedroom.
I'll ask the questions.
‐ I've been keeping watch.
‐ Over me? ‐ Over all of you.
As of late, we have been
under siege.
‐ Hey.
"Fastest gunslinger
in the west."
I outdrew you.
‐ I did not draw at all.
‐ Have you ever been outdrawn?
‐ Honestly?
No.
‐ Do you not need to...
...sleep anymore
now that you're...
‐ It's one of the benefits
of my condition.
‐ We don't talk
about that anymore.
‐ There is much we fail
to discuss.
‐ Talking is overrated.
‐ Hmm.
Doc? ‐ Hmm?
‐ Did you eat another fireman?
Waverly! ‐ Nicole! Rachel!
‐ I put... I put it out,
but we lost the couch.
And most of your porn.
‐ Oh, my God! Waverly!
Shit!
Waverly, wake up!
Breathe, asshole!
Waverly!
Wake!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Don't ever do that to me again.
‐ I don't actually know
what I did.
‐ Luckily this old house
was built by strong hands
from stubborn wood.
‐ That's what I used to call
my last boyfriend.
Inappropriate.
‐ Because he died?
Or because he's Waverly's
angel‐dad?
‐ Yes.
‐ Did someone go into
a TikTok trance and forget
they were cooking again?
‐ This isn't on me.
Besides, the fire started
in the living room.
‐ Were you two...
on the couch, and then...
'Cause that's why
they make lube.
‐ That's not why they make lube.
‐ Agree to disagree.
Okay, so if it wasn't Rachel,
or us...
You guys think someone
attacked us?
‐ You mean, attacked us again?
The Clantons.
‐ We don't know for sure
it was them.
‐ Well then, who was it?
Doc was keeping watch.
‐ All these prints are our own.
‐ Like what, you've memorized
our shoe sizes?
‐ Correct.
There are no foreign prints
or scents on the perimeter.
Whatever lit the fire,
did not get here on foot.
‐ So it was supernatural.
‐ Perhaps.
‐ Are the Clantons supernatural?
‐ Well, that Reaper they sent
after me,
that slashed me
with its Flo Jo nails...
‐ That Billy called off
with his DIY root canal...
‐‐ That Doc couldn't kill
with his fancy six‐shooter...
Yeah, that thing
was definitely supernatural.
‐ Except it walked on two legs.
‐ So you're saying we just
let them keep coming at us?
‐ I am urging us to find a more
measured response.
‐ This coming from the guy
who works for the biggest
Demon Dong Corleone in town.
‐ I have never seen Amon's...
I definitely do not know
the size of the...
‐ Let's go take a look.
Say hello to my little friend!
I thought you'd be wider.
‐ Wynonna Earp.
The Wynonna Earp.
Doc. I'm so happy
you finally brought her here
to meet me.
‐ Well, she goes
where she pleases.
Despite my protestations.
‐ So you must be Amon.
‐ And in the future,
if you want to hurt me,
just say please.
‐ You seem nice.
‐ We need information.
Somebody tried to set
the Earp Homestead ablaze.
‐ Hmm...
Only a coward would set fire
to a home full of women.
‐ That's kind of sexist.
And you can just say
The Clantons.
I know it was them.
‐ Um, we try not to say
the "C" word around here.
They've always been a scourge.
‐ Ebenezer or McDuck?
‐ No, love, it's scourge.
Not Scrooge.
‐ Well, if they're not Scrooge,
then what are they?
Demon, Revenant?
‐ Less and a little more
than all of that.
Wynonna...
I think it's high time
that you got your magic gun
and fought back.
‐ Well, that's great advice,
Dorothy Dix‐head.
But I don't know
where Peacemaker is.
‐ But I do.
‐ Yeah, okay, this is gonna
have to go too.
You can take it or donate it
to some sort of...
stripper charity.
‐ Give me one good reason
why I shouldn't pluck
your eyes out like grapes.
And then steal these shades.
‐ Look at me.
I am the captain, now.
By order of BBD.
I trust you received
the paperwork
handing this office back to me?
‐ I did.
‐ Good.
‐ Argh!
‐ One less thing for the movers
to get rid of.
And they'll be here soon.
Along with my team
of special agents,
so feel free to leave
at any time.
Thank you.
‐ For God's sakes,
grow some balls, brother,
before this entire town gets
pulled out from underneath us.
‐ Mam told us to stand down.
You really want
to cross her again?
‐ Aren't you tired of waiting
for someone else
to make our fate?
‐ I've made my fate.
But I'd be lying
if I didn't say, I am tired.
Waverly, Ms. Haught.
‐ We know what you did.
‐ What's that?
Beat you out for being Sheriff?
‐ Hey! You came!
‐ Of course we came!
‐ Hey!
‐ You kinda fell off
the face of the earth on me.
‐ Uh... there was a lot
going on.
And I knew
you could handle yourself.
‐ Is that what I did?
‐ We brought you
an office‐warming gift!
‐ Oh! Wicked!
Wha‐‐ What do I put in it?
‐ Balls! ‐ I love balls!
‐ I know!
‐ Why do you smell like burnt
marshmallow cologne?
Is it unisex?
‐ So, one of the benefits
of owning a club
is demons generally
can't hold their liquor.
‐ I'm not drinking
that roofie‐colada.
‐ Yeah, they're just
a bunch of sad,
lonely, horny,
sometimes literally horny...
demons, drinking
and running their mouths.
‐ Much the same as you are now.
‐ So I heard...
a few talk about a place...
where cherished but forgotten
items end up.
‐ Peacemaker wasn't forgotten.
She just kinda disappeared
on me.
‐ And why, pray tell,
would you help a demon‐hunter
find her demon slaying weapon?
‐ Well, because The Clantons
are more powerful than me.
And I don't bottom for anyone.
Not even you. ‐ Oh!
Isn't he like your boss?
You should call H. R.
‐ There is a catch.
The people who have Peacemaker
are going to want an offering.
‐ Gold, frankincense?
Tickets to Lizzo?
‐ Once you have what they need,
they'll find you.
‐ And if this turns out to be
a wild goose chase,
we're gonna come back here and‐‐
‐ Kill the shit out of you.
‐ What she said.
‐ Fucking Clantons.
‐ These are the last
of the BBD files
we had stashed at the Homestead.
‐ Nice. Uh, just put them
by the cabinets. Thanks.
‐ There.
That should keep out
Blah and Order for a while.
‐ Get over here, Nerd‐Burger!
‐ Hey!
‐ You are a welcome sight
for these sore eyes.
‐ Doc.
Oh, it feels so good to be home.
And in your arms.
‐ Alright. So, g‐‐
Boners, listen up...
Turns out The Clantons
are more than meets the eyes.
Amon wouldn't say exactly what,
but he's scared of them.
And...
He knows where Peacemaker is.
‐ A demon wants to help you
find Peacemaker?
‐ We do not know how accurate
this intelligence is.
‐ So where is it? Spill!
Okay, well, I don't know, but...
Yo! Extreme Makeover:
Homo Edition,
kill the drill.
‐ Sorry.
You know me and power tools.
‐ It is risky, to put our faith
in a demon
with questionable morals.
‐ I don't know, worked for me
in the past.
‐ I mean, what choice
do we have?
All my BBD weapons failed you.
‐ Uh, yeah. We scoured
the GRT for Peacemaker
and... Yahtzee.
‐ We really need to teach you
how to play that game properly.
‐Mm‐hmm. ‐ So then we agree.
Even though Amon is a sexy...
‐ Ahem!
‐ Sketchy... demon douche,
I have to trust him.
‐ The team appears
to be unanimous.
‐ Yeah. Speaking of the team,
has anyone seen Rachel
since this morning?
‐ At the Rec Center.
So lame. Barf emoji.
Home for dinner... maybe.
‐ Huh. Who knew the Ghost
River Triangle had a museum.
‐ Literally everyone?
‐ They shouldn't let
mean girls in here.
This should be a sacred space
for geeks.
Like Comic‐Con.
‐ Special Collections.
A woman scorned.
‐ She doesn't even go here!
Now you mu‐see‐um,
now you don't.
Wrong turn, MapQuest.
...working as a stunt
consultant on the film set...
‐ Is this the guy
from Big Lebowski?
‐ I've been called many things,
Hero, lawman, murderer.
But destiny is that
which we are drawn towards.
And fate...
is that which we run into.
So you tell me
if I had a choice.
‐ No, Wynonna.
That is your great,
great‐grandfather.
Wyatt Earp.
‐ Hello.
Whoa! Okay, uh, sorry.
Did not mean to pull
a Wynonna on you.
Why is Cleo's couch still here?
‐ Um, well, you know... ‐ We...
‐ we asked the movers,
um, to put it back...
‐ So we could all have
a place to hang out.
‐ Oh. Okay, yeah. "Hang out".
Is that what the queer lady
kids are calling it these days?
‐ Look. Binders!
‐ These are the archives
that BBD had
on the Old West Families
of the GRT.
‐ Oh, cool!
‐ There must be something
in here that can help us
figure out
what The Clantons are.
‐ Yeah and how to take them down
in case Wynonna
can't find Peacemaker.
‐ She's gonna find Peacemaker.
‐ I couldn't.
‐ Yeah, well,
you're not the Earp heir.
‐ Would you have called
more often if I was?
‐ On my phone
that was being monitored?
‐ Jeremy, where is Robin?
‐ Look, all that matters
is he's safe.
We should get to work.
‐ Okay. You're being super
cagey about this.
‐ Yeah, Nicole,
because a lot of stuff
happened while they...
While you were in the Garden.
And everyone
that was left behind, we just...
We all did
what we had to do to survive.
Okay?
Shit, I'm sorry.
I think I'm allergic
to leopard print, or...
‐ What is happening to me?
‐ I can't wait anymore.
It's been over a year.
Can you help?
‐ I would very much like to,
but the price is steep.
‐ I will do...
I will do, I will do anything
to get her back.
Please.
‐ Even this?
‐ If you'll save them
from the Garden.
No....
No, I couldn't
have promised that.
‐ Nicole, what's wrong?
Hey. Hey.
‐ Waverly,
it's all coming back to me.
I... I did something terrible
when you were in the Garden.
‐ What?
‐ I‐I...
‐ Sweetie, it's okay.
Just spit it out.
Oh, my God.
You ate a billion frogs.
‐ In 1878, I was at a card tabl
in Texas,
and a man drew a pistol
at my back.
I heard the shot, and I smelled
the gun powder.
My would‐be executioner
behind me fell.
Shot to death
by a dentist, of all things.
John Henry Holliday
saved my life.
I knew then, I was bound to him.
Forever.
‐ Who was the shooter?
‐ It never occurred to me
to inquire.
Any man that would shoot
another man in the back
does not deserve
to be known, or remembered.
‐ You miss it, don't you?
‐ The rules were simpler then.
‐ Like "don't try
to steal our baby"?
‐ Rosita.
‐ If Revenants
were still around,
she'd be my first
appointment back
when I got Peacemaker.
Let's talk about
the O. K. Corral.
I have resisted in the past...
It made you famous.
‐ That is true.
But I knew there'd never
be peace in Tombstone,
or anywhere else with those
vermin Clantons around.
To tell the truth, I was glad
when Doc Holliday
took the first shot.
What's the point of locking up
backwater scum...
‐ I did not shoot first.
Sooner or later,
they simply slide
through the bars,
makes everything dirty again.
That man was the most
talented loose cannon
I ever did see.
At the end of our...
time together,
I just rolled Doc off whatever
whore he was enjoying
on that particular day,
and point him in the direction
of someone who needed
to be got clean through.
‐ Geezers get fuzzy.
They remember things
the way they want to.
Not the way they happened.
‐ Yeah, well, I do not have
the luxury of growing old
and forgetting
all the things I have done.
‐ Well, next time
don't make a deal
with a stone witch
and then became a vampire.
What would Wyatt
think of all this?
Do you think
he'd be proud of me?
‐ I am no longer certain
that you would be proud of him.
Come now. We have a heist
to attend to.
‐ Ugh...
‐ You are massacring that onion.
Your hand still hurting?
‐ Yeah, but I guess
I deserve it.
‐ Nobody deserves this.
‐ Wish you'd tell her that.
‐ You first.
‐ You're always so goddamn
emotional.
‐ It's from the onion.
‐ My whole life, I obsessed
over the happenings
at the O. K. Corral.
Half a minute that wiped out
our entire clan.
But now...
finally, I have cause
for celebration.
When I die,
the charm that I possess
will pass to my children.
Now, I have spent many
long nights
worrying over which of you
will get the gift.
Made me near sick with dread,
thinking our legacy
would be left
in your bumbling hands.
But then I read
something on Oprah‐dot‐com,
made me change my tune.
"I will not...
give my power over
to the circumstances
of my life."
‐ Mam, what are you saying?
‐ I have set the wheels
in motion
for the end of our enemies.
To the end... of the Earps.
So why is it you two
look like you're at a funeral?
‐ If it's all the same to you,
I'd like to know the plan
before I celebrate it.
‐ Yeah, um, how exactly
do you plan
on killing the Earps?
‐ Honey, the Earps
and Doc Holliday
don't deserve death.
They deserve to be destroyed.
By one another.
‐ Damn women's softball league.
‐ I need booze!
‐ You look like you need
an ambulance.
‐ Whatever's wrong with her,
it can't be fixed
with modern medicine.
‐ Have you tried chicken soup
and a One Day At A Time
marathon?
‐ Tequila. I gotta get
the taste of frogs
out of my mouth.
‐ Did you say frogs?
‐ Oh boy, did she ever.
‐ Well yeah, apparently
she did something terrible.
But every time she tries
to tell us what it is,
she throws up.
‐ So we're dealing with what,
some kind of hex?
With all the new creatures
in town, it could be anything.
A warlock? An incubus?
A SpongeBob?
‐ Aww. You did research!
Sort of.
‐ We tried guessing for her too.
But every time we do,
it's Big‐Vom‐Dot‐Com.
‐ Oh...
‐ I don't...
‐ No, you just shut
your frog hole.
No! Not on the froggies.
What? It's not their fault.
Sweetie... ‐ I need a pen!
If I can't tell you guys,
maybe, I can...
‐ Okay, okay, okay...
You were cursed by...
Sperm?
‐ What?
‐ No. I think they're tadpoles.
‐ That makes
much more sense. Yup.
‐ I was trying to write words!
‐ Look, it seems to me the thing
to do here
is to forget about the cause.
We need to focus on a cure.
‐ Okay.
What‐‐
‐ Oh, my God. ‐ Indeed.
‐ You're sure this is it?
‐ Only someone truly evil
would value this abomination.
‐ It's called "A Woman Scorned".
You know who got scorned?
The doink who paid actual money
for this wank of art.
So, um...
Should I slip into my Catsuit
and slink through
the security lasers?
‐ As much as I would love
to see that...
we have already dawdled
too long.
‐ Right. So we shoot out
the cameras,
knock out the elderly volunteer
behind the desk,
and hop a train to Mexico.
‐ Or...
‐ Still hot.
‐ You can't just like,
take stuff.
‐ Wise words from a leader
of tomorrow.
Get bent, Regina Bored!
Now what?
‐ Amon said once
we procured the painting,
the collectors would appear.
‐ That's a big ass tramp stamp.
‐ It's a Celtic Sisters Knot.
It symbolizes sisterhood
and the strong, eternal bond
that women share.
I once made the acquaintance
of some sorority sisters
from Wesleyan.
They did in fact have tattoos
of that symbol on their‐‐
‐ Great story.
‐ Ahh!
‐ What in tarnation?
Wynonna?!
‐ What the... hell‐o?!
‐ Welcome to the Sanctuary
of the Scorned Woman.
‐ Oh damn.
J. C. ghost you on Bumble?
‐ These are dangerous
and uncertain times,
Wynonna Earp.
‐ Oh great, you've heard of me.
Wait. Is that great?
‐ This sanctuary is a place
of cleansing
for women who have lost
their way.
Women like you.
Says who, Mother Inferior?
I'm exactly where I want to be.
‐ I see I've struck a chord.
‐ Yeah. You struck
the whole damn choir, Whoopi.
‐ You misunderstand me.
I'm releasing these women
from the judgments
they've placed on themselves.
I could do the same for you.
I'm not really
a habit kind of gal.
Unless those habits include,
uh, you know,
cheap whiskey and broody men.
I'm just here because you have
something that belongs to me.
And... vicey‐versey.
Purga te, mulier,
et liberi eritis.
‐ Hey, you break it,
you bought it.
Holy shit.
‐ I don't want the painting.
I want the woman
in the painting.
‐ And I want my sword‐gun back.
‐ Then take it.
‐ Peacemaker, where you at,
Mama?
It's me, old girl. It's Wynonna.
Peacemaker, come!
‐ Perhaps the weapon
is rejecting you
because its duty to you
is complete.
‐ Now you listen to me, godda‐‐
Gosh doink‐it!
The curse may be broken,
but they still need me.
Alright, everybody still
needs me to keep them safe.
So this thing between you and I
ain't over until
I say it's over!
‐ Perhaps it's time for you
to choose a life of peace.
‐ How?
When the monsters keep coming
and coming,
how am I supposed to live
a normal life?
And why the fuck
would I want to?
‐ Wa
‐ Uh, best you refrain
from saying something
we'll both regret.
I don't know where Wynonna went,
but if it was a trap
it wasn't set by me.
Because, I don't pick sides.
I'm in it for myself.
Does that sound familiar?
‐ You would do well...
...not to compare yourself
to me.
‐ Oh, come on, Doc.
It's a compliment.
It's how we've both managed
to survive for centuries.
‐ I am no cockroach.
‐ No. But you're still alive.
‐ Noble men do not have
the luxury of being neutral
in times of war.
We have not been
formally introduced.
‐ I know who you are,
you know who I am.
So what do you actually want?
‐ There are more traditional
spots for a man like you
to wet his whistle.
‐ I'm not a traditionalist.
I just wanted a beer.
‐ You are a bold sort,
I will give you that.
The whole Clanton lot.
‐ You keep my family's name
out of your mouth, you hear?
‐ You would be dead
before you drew.
‐ This whole "Fastest Gunslinger
in the West"?
Is that something
to be proud of?
Shooting people who don't
have a chance to fight back?
‐ Some people deserve
to be shot.
‐ And who decides that?
Because the history books
say one thing,
my family says another.
So you tell me...
Do you deserve a bullet?
Or do I?
Maybe... I let fate decide?
‐ Whatever side we fight on,
the blood we shed to win the war
will damn us all.
‐ It's not a war, Holliday.
It's just a town.
Filled with women who would
have us both
fight to the death.
‐ Hey. ‐ I'm sorry, Waverly.
‐ No. Don't apologize.
I like taking care of you.
I'd be happy do it
for the rest of our lives.
‐ Yeah. I guess we gotta
talk about the engagement...
‐ Yeah.
But it's hard to make it
a priority,
when, you know, you're voiding
amphibians.
‐ No, it's not that, Waverly.
It's that I‐‐
‐ You did something terrible.
Right? But you being you,
how terrible could it be?
‐ Okay, guys.
I have dug up three
possible cures.
Option number one:
a spell‐reflecting ceremony.
Worst case scenario,
we do it wrong,
and you turn into a demon dog.
‐ Ugh, pass.
I'm a cat person.
‐ Yeah, me too. Okay...
Option number two:
an exorcism where we drown you
in salted holy water.
‐ Drown me?
‐ You caught that part, huh?
‐ Yeah. We are not
drowning my girlfriend.
‐ Okay, fine.
Option number three:
we brew an antidote soup
made out of fennel,
jasmine, and nettles.
‐ That sounds okay.
‐ Worst case scenario?
‐ If we don't get the correct
ratio of ingredients,
uh, your intestines
might turn into snakes.
These really
were the only choices.
‐ Okay, so, uh... let's do um...
...snake‐gut soup?
‐ Yeah.
‐ Plus with Purgatory's best,
brightest, most beautiful
brains on the case,
I mean, I'm gonna be cured
in no‐‐
‐ Okay...
‐ What in unholy hell
have you been eating?
‐ I got it.
It's like she puked
the Dagobah System.
‐ I come bearing apology beer.
Waverly told me everything.
I'm really sorry
about Spewapalooza.
Obviously the Clantons
came after me,
and you got caught
in the frog fire.
‐ It wasn't you, Wynonna.
‐ I wouldn't blame you
for not wanting
to join this family, honestly.
First it's Revenants,
then frogs,
next it'll be fiery hail
and locusts.
‐ Well, it would take a lot more
than some Egyptian plagues
to keep me from wanting
to marry your sister.
‐ Then what are you two
waiting for?
‐ I'm scared Waverly
won't want to
when she finds out what I did.
‐ Pfft. I wanna ask
what that is,
but I just de‐honked my boots.
Well, here's what I know
you didn't do...
You didn't give up on us
when we were in the Garden.
And a year and a half,
that's a long time
to keep the faith.
‐ Thing is, I did give up.
Not at first.
At first, I believed
that Waverly, and you,
and Doc were gonna
get home safe.
Then 18 months went by,
and so I woke up one day and...
‐ Nicole. Did you do
something to get us home?
Never mind, I didn't ask,
I didn't ask. La‐la‐la‐la.
‐ Oh, God.
‐ Do you wanna hear
my sob story?
‐ Un‐huh, I do, really.
‐ Peacemaker actively
rejected me today.
‐ You want me to frog‐barf
on her?
‐ Yes.
I did manage to get my hands
on this stupid thing.
Finding this scorned woman
is the only shot I have
at getting my gun back.
But this...
This could be anywhere, so...
‐ Oh, well, that's Steve Gulch.
‐ Who now?
‐ I once had to rescue
these two guys named Steve,
they fell there while
they were bouldering,
and got stuck. Naked.
‐ There are no good men left.
‐ Mm, definitely no good Steves.
‐ Jesus, Haught, should I‐‐
‐ No, no, I'm good.
I'm good, I just...
I'm gonna just go check
on that cure.
‐ Are you alright?
‐ Better than Nicole.
‐ We're almost done.
We just have to let it simmer
for an hour and then...
Babe?
No! ‐ What are you doing?!
‐ Oh, my God! ‐ I'm so sorry...
‐ Oh! Quick. Help me save some!
‐ Yeah, okay.
‐ You are certain
the gun was there?
‐ Yeah. I could feel it.
I just couldn't make it come.
That's what she said.
I guess it makes sense,
I'm not...
...the heir anymore,
now that the curse is broken.
Or much of anything.
‐ You are everything.
‐ Wait, what did you mean,
at the museum,
that I might not be proud
of Wyatt?
‐ We were immortalized as heroes
for murdering
a family of ne'er‐do wells.
‐ The Clantons were dickheads.
They took whatever they wanted,
they murdered people,
stole their land.
‐ It was the Old West.
The only difference
between them and us
were the stars
pinned to our chests.
I have often been left
to ponder, Wynonna...
whether or not this legacy
of bloodshed
will be the ruin
of everyone we love.
Perhaps, we should take our cue
from an ironically
named Buntline.
Could be we should aspire to...
make peace.
‐ Oh, my God. Did everyone
take Gandhi pills this morning?
What up, Kermit?
What the hell, Bog Breath?!
Ahh! Son of a‐‐
Jesus. Squeeze harder!
‐ Why are you fighting Nicole?!
She started it! ‐ What?
‐ Look away, baby girl. ‐ Why?
‐ 'Cause gingers are bleeders.
‐ Wynonna! ‐ Well...
‐ Babe.
‐ Come on.
‐ Oh no. No, no, no.
‐ What the hell was that?
‐ The darkest of magics.
‐ Well, that's it.
Hide your kids, hide your wives!
Because we are storming
the fucking castle.
And by castle, I mean ranch!
And by storming, I mean
we are putting the "kill"
back in Kill‐lanton‐‐
Can you not do that right now
during my rousing speech?
I even just dropped an F bomb.
‐ Those are my clothes.
‐ The ones you were wearing
last night before bed.
‐ They smell of gasoline.
‐ I started the Homestead fire.
‐ Let's go.
‐ Wynonna. You need Peacemaker.
‐ We don't have time, Nicole.
Look what they did to you.
Look what they tried
to make you do to us!
‐ Those creatures they have...
Without Peacemaker,
this is a suicide mission.
‐ I agree. ‐ Of course you do.
‐ Look. Don't jump to Plan Z
before we've even tried Plan A.
‐ Which is what, exactly?
‐ We have to find the woman
in the painting,
and bring her to the sanctuary.
‐ Yeah. And then,
if Peacemaker
doesn't show itself...
Then we take on the Clantons,
and their monsters, together.
‐ Fine. You go find some rope,
'cause you're gonna
tie up your girlfriend.
‐ Won't be the first time.
‐ Okay.
‐ We need mount up
for the gulch.
‐ Are you okay with this?
‐ Well, I don't want you
to kamikaze yourself for me.
‐ Let's go.
‐ There is not much left.
All of it went down the sink.
‐ Make it tighter.
Waverly, it has to be tighter!
‐ Well, I don't want
to hurt you.
‐ Maybe just go get
the handcuffs from upstairs.
‐ Okay. Good idea.
‐ No. No, I'm not gonna do it!
‐ Hello?
‐ Hey. ‐ Hey.
They're here.
‐ Oh. Better let me.
I'm the pro. ‐ Sure.
‐ At least, I used to be.
I just need you
to know one thing.
‐ Okay.
‐ I love you, Waverly Earp.
And no matter what happens,
those are the truest words
I'll ever speak. ‐ Baby.
What the hell?
What the hell?
Nicole. Nicole!
Jeremy, do something! ‐ I am!
But you're not gonna like it!
Wait, wait.
You're sure about this?
You know we don't have
another choice.
‐ No, no, no, no.
‐ Yeah... ‐ No, no!
Argh, I'm gonna kill you!
‐ I gotta talk
to that softball league.
‐ Nedley...
Okay, hey, before you say
anything, I am so, so sorry
that I spent the last year
and a half trying to kill you.
‐ Well, to be fair,
I was a puffball monster.
And I did eat several
people's pets.
‐ I should've known it was you.
And I shouldn't have given up.
Because that's what I did.
I gave up.
‐ Nicole...
‐ Time and time again,
you have been there for me.
And I let you down.
I let everyone down. But today,
I'm going to change that.
‐ You need my help.
‐ It's a big ask.
‐ Whatever you need.
‐ I need you to kill me.
You know,
I don't care how many Steves
fell down here,
it's still a dumb name.
‐ Well, finally something
we do agree on.
‐ Don't get testy with me.
You're the famous gunslinger
who's turned into Jane Fonda
all of a sudden.
‐ Well, her work‐outs
are sublime.
‐ Being the Earp heir
is the only job
I've ever had
that I was good at,
besides strip club DJ.
Just because you're rejecting
your legacy,
doesn't mean
I have to reject mine.
‐ A fine pair we are.
Blood on our hands,
and both too stubborn
to wash them off.
It appears we have found
our Woman Scorned.
‐ Oy, lady!
You're coming with us!
Rosita?!
No!
Your survival instinct's
kicking in!
Jeremy!
‐ Hey. I know how this looks,
but I'm asking you to trust us.