Wynonna Earp (2016–…): Season 4, Episode 2 - Episode #4.2 - full transcript
Previously on "Wynonna Earp"...
Gloria Valdez.
She's like some kind of scientist?
We think it leads to
another way into the garden.
Help us find Dr. Gloria Valdez.
My mom's not one of the bodies.
Wherever Waverly is, she's not safe.
- Wynonna!
- We have to get to her.
Go!
What is this place?
The blood has to be fresh.
- Let's use him up.
- Bought us more time.
Shut up and run!
Wynonna!
Sheriff Haught.
At least you are wearing a smile.
Nicole!
Nicole!
Girl, you are in a league of your own.
Lady, we gotta leave.
How far down does it go?
- All the way.
- Ah!
My sister's girlfriend is
mutant meat or a pancake!
- Waverly's gonna kill me!
- They're gonna kill you!
- I'm gone.
- Haught! Stay alive!
I'm gonna come find you!
You are here!
I am!
But how are you here?
And, uh...
Why did your garments not accompany you?
Ahh! Oh my God! Don't look at me!
- I was not!
- Do not look at me!
I would never!
Although...
- Sheriff Haught...
- Oh my God!
I have seen many a fine
formed women in my lifetime.
- Nope! Nope.
- This is nothing to me,
this is merely water off a duck's back.
Well, I am not a damn duck,
so stop talking and find
me something to wear!
- I cannot get in.
- And I can't get out.
I shall fetch help.
And pants.
And Waverly.
I will get Waverly!
Yeah.
Yeah, Waverly!
Waverly.
Waverly Earp!
Hey!
The fire's died down.
You know...
Also, we built a fire?
You cut your hand. You fed the machine.
Don't you know how dangerous this is?
No, and neither do you.
We don't know anything!
I know I swore to protect you!
And I am trying to protect this place,
just like my father did.
Since when?
Stop talking nonsense and listen!
I am a fully grown half-angel.
And an adult human lady!
Speaking of adult, Nicole is here!
What? Where? How?
She's in this hole
just a way back there.
Next time, maybe lead with that!
Well, Lord knows I tried!
Well...
Are you sure it's her?
I saw her with my own two eyes.
How does she look?
Um...
I think you will be pleased.
Eat wood!
- Ugh!
- My bad.
Teenagers are the worst!
Has anyone in history
ever noted that before?
I said, my bad.
Those things are everywhere.
"Those things" used to
be brilliant physicists.
They were working on some
inter-dimensional gateway.
- To the Garden?
- Whatever it was,
Black Badge was trying to weaponize it.
But once they actually
got the thing to open,
BBD panicked and gassed everyone.
It's the 2005 Chili
Cookoff all over again...
minus the edibles-laced cornbread,
and Hollaback Girl on repeat.
You might be even weirder than me.
And my best friend for
six months has been a rat.
There's gotta be another way
to get into the lower levels.
If your friend fell into the lab,
she's already bread
for the walking dead.
But if she fell into the gate room...
Yeah, she fell into the gate room.
Because you want that to be true?
Hey, you know what?
What are you doing here, kid? Huh?
You've been camping out here
at mutant manor for what?
Months? Years?
I can't leave my mom, okay?
I know the chances of Dr. Gloria Valdez
having survived is more unlikely
than an anti-vaxxer who Botoxes,
but I need to know what happened to her.
And if I find proof
she bit it, I bounce.
Were you home-schooled, kid?
'Cause you might want
to workshop that eulogy.
All I'm trying to say is...
if the gas turned her
totally toxic Avenger,
I'll take care of it. Like...
- That means I kill her myself.
- I cracked that code.
Yeah, okay.
- Rachel...
- Shh!
Yeah, I'll tell you later.
Rachel, we can't hide forever.
I'm gonna go find Nicole
with or without you.
Okay, okay yeah.
There is another way into the lab.
But we really need
three people to get in.
Well, we have two.
And bonus, they're both
super fucking weird.
So listen, we can help
each other, alright?
But I'm not leaving this
place until I find my friend.
And I didn't bring any deodorant.
- I can tell.
- Nope,
not abandoning any of 'em.
My Haught cop. My celestial sister.
My vampire baby daddy.
Your life is wildin', girl.
Together.
- Nicole! Baby!
- Waverly?
You're here, you're really here! How?!
- How are you here?
- I have no idea!
It's so foggy. For a second I was there,
and then I was...
Wow.
Are you okay?
Are you?
Get in here and check.
What? Oh, God!
Baby, you're in some
sort of silo prison.
Yeah, and Doc saw me naked!
But it's fine, I'm over it, so...
So, where is everyone else?
Is Purgatory okay?
Did you see Wynonna?
No, it's just...
it's just me.
Here with you, now.
God, it's really you.
Waverly...
Who else would I be?
Wynonna!
Argh!
I'm down here, I'm still alive!
Ow.
Oh, walnuts.
Who are you?
The lab is kept deoxygenated
to keep the samples sterile.
All those words make me itchy.
Unless you want to suffocate,
we have to wear
decontamination suits and masks.
Ebola outbreak, but
make it fashion. Got it.
We have to cross the lab
to get into the gate room.
But first, we need to find a keycard
that opens the door to the gate room.
And where do we think that is?
Around the neck of some
mutant Black Badge scientists.
The good news is
they tend to stay dormant, in stasis,
unless you wake them.
Say, with a beaver blaster?
Is everything a sex joke to you?
I do try to scissor one
in as often as possible.
So how do we do this?
I have to find the other keycard.
And once we're in the gate room,
we have to swipe both
cards simultaneously
to reopen whatever portal
my mom was working on.
We'll only have one chance
to find what's at the bottom
- of the Nic-hole.
- And the lab is full
of rabid lab coats.
So whatever you do, keep it quiet.
What?
We could short circuit the force field?
- But with what?
- Ah! There!
That's better! Slay!
Lemme guess: Island of
Lesbos, resort collection?
What the hell is that?
It's just time to feed the machine.
The machine?
It is my turn.
- I will go.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Guys? There's a machine?
Yeah. It runs on blood.
Human blood.
Yeah, we have to feed it... blood.
Sure. Okay.
So what happens if you didn't?
Feed it, I mean?
I do not think we want to find out.
Wow. This place is a lot.
I still don't understand
how you got here.
Yeah. Me neither.
Baby?
I have got to get out
of this cage, okay?
'Cause these cherry
blossoms, this force field,
they're not my friends.
Do you hear that?
I'm pretty sure I don't.
It's calling to me.
The throne. My father's throne.
Julian.
Kevin said that I would sit on it,
to save the world.
And that I would turn to stone.
Ha...
Waverly...
Baby, you've already sacrificed so much.
Yeah, well, I'm not the only one.
Doc became a vampire to save us.
Oh.
Is that why he did it?
Yeah, see...
I thought he was just scared
to grow old and... die.
- That's pretty harsh.
- I'm sorry.
Look, I think I'm just hangry.
Yeah, well, imagine being Doc.
He hasn't fed in days.
Ah, there, there, you old boot.
You need more blood? I know the feeling.
Ugh!
Everything's gone to
shit, must be Tuesday!
No way, not today.
When I dreamt about dying,
it involved me in Waverly's arms
and Waverly in Sara Lance cosplay.
The garden is coming to life.
You're not wearing Bulshar's ring.
Well, yeah, I...
I guess he's gone now. Bulshar.
Oh yeah, we smote that
basic bish but good.
Smoted? Smited?
Hey, did you ever think to ask him
why he was trying so hard
to get in here in the first place?
I just assumed, like
most balding sociopaths,
he wanted to play God.
Woman,
look around!
God...
hasn't been here for a long, long time.
Yup. He hit it,
then he quit it. Left humanity on read.
Maybe we should just,
like, chill on the God talk.
And what kind of batshit
playground experiment
for creation was this?
You know, there was a guy,
when Doc and I first got here.
He called this place a prison.
And then he sort of
chopped off his own head.
Men.
So dramatic, right?
Yeah, I guess.
So are you, like, super pissed
that Wynonna drugged you?
The things I'm pissed about...
well, it's a long list.
But...
all will be remedied
one by one by one,
just as soon as I get out of here.
Baby.
My mask. I can't breathe.
What's it called
when you don't get enough oxygen
and you feel drank, and you start to...
You're getting hypoxeia.
Yeah. Talk about silent but deadly.
Mask leak, c'est chic.
Oh, get back down there, mister!
- Shut up.
- Oh shit.
Oh! Nice to see you, mute-aunt,
where's my mute-uncle?
Nowhere. Bad for brain.
We're good, we're good.
Nice one, lil' baby condom!
- But which, which is which?
- I don't know!
Fuck you! Yeah!
Who's a girl gotta screw
around here to get a gun?
Hiya, Red!
Wynonna!
Hi! Who's your crawl-y friend?
She almost killed us, getting to you.
- What's wrong with her?
- Hypoxia.
I wasn't gettin' no oxygen.
Okay? None.
You're something else, Earp.
I don't ever half ass it.
I ass and a half it.
Whatever you are, you're...
you're my ass.
That sounds kinda lesbian.
Ugh!
Well, I'll be damned.
Not literally, I hope.
Nicole.
The many faces of Nicole.
Not Nicole.
An imposter.
This prison is not for us.
It is for the thing I left
Waverly alone with!
Her leg is definitely broken
in at least two places.
Oh! Ah! Ah!
- Three.
- It's okay.
When we get out of
here, I'm going to draw
a bunch of dicks on your cast.
That's really sweet.
You know, from a fall like that,
I still think I got off pretty easy.
Well, we all like to get off.
But you, please, have
to stop dropping things.
You know, if this is a
proposal, I gotta say...
it's missing some baby carrots.
I don't know what that means.
It means, I'm already spoken for.
I just haven't had a
chance to tell Waverly that.
Sheriff, I'm sick and tired of listening
to all the disgustingly
hot premarital sex
- you're having in my house.
- You've been listening?
So let's go make you
make an honest woman
out of my little sister.
Nicole Haught,
will you open the back door
to the maybe garden of Eden with me?
No one's opening anything.
Is that... ?
Dr. Gloria Valdez.
My mom died trying to
keep this portal shut.
Try to change that and I'll kill you.
Doc was supposed to feed the machine!
Yeah, and he failed. Again!
Big surprise!
What's happening?
Let freedom reign.
Friggin' finally!
Ah-ha! Thank you, Waverly!
Come on.
Wait. Nicole...
- You taste like...
- Waverly!
Waverly, get away from her!
That thing is not Nicole!
Like sulfur.
Why are the smoke shows
always dumb as shit?
God, if you hurt the real Nicole...
Oh, sweetie...
I'm going to hurt all of you.
You can call me Eve.
Stay away from her!
And the important thing is, I'm out.
Ah!
Rachel!
Your Mom wouldn't want this for you.
Stop pretending like you know her.
I know how your mom felt.
'Cause I would die to save my sister.
Or kill.
Anyone.
Everyone.
Wynonna, tell her the truth.
I really did lose my
Mom, a lot of people,
when I was young, but I grew up.
And now you have to.
Your mom did this so you could.
Wynonna knew your mom was dead.
Before we even got here.
Narc.
You lied to me.
- You're Black Badge.
- No.
- We're two friends.
- Best friends.
She said it first, there's
no take-backs right?
... who love the same angel
more than anything in the world.
You're...
You're polygamists?
Something is happening on
the other side of the door,
I've got to get through!
They just, they just
left her here to rot.
I couldn't save her.
Well, let us save someone else.
Whatever you are,
Doc's going to kill you.
Ah, save your heteronormative
hero hogwash for humanity, sweetie,
which incidentally, I preclude by eons.
Just say you're old,
you pretentious bitch!
I am a nightmare unto the world.
And your cherubic little daddy died
before he could teach
you how to save it.
From me!
Ah! For once I wish
we'd just take on a demon
that isn't such a talker, you know?
Well, it's not all bad news.
See, you succeeded
where the snake failed.
You freed me from this prison.
You and your cute little cowboy.
I am a gunslinger, you amateur.
The best in the west!
Hi, gorgeous! Ya miss me?
But I screwed all this up.
Hey, your mistakes do not define you.
This crazy chick
without a gun is living proof of that.
Nicole and I are going
through that portal
to rescue our people
and all the bullets in the
world are not gonna stop us.
You just wanted to punch her again.
I can't believe I may be
stuck with you forever.
It's cracking.
Oh shit, shit, shit!
Well, if we're going
to get into the garden,
we do it now, this is our only way out.
Oh!
Wow, you are real handsome
when you lose control.
You do not get to speak as him.
Please, Holliday. Please.
Don't hurt me.
Shut your lying mouth.
Earth angel brought a demon.
Smart.
- Doc!
- You're one of us!
When are you gonna
man up and pick a side?
From the devil that
cannot even pick a face.
Don't think about leaving!
I'm not done with you yet.
You are done.
And you will never touch her aga...
Doc.
How could you?
I love you.
- Enough.
- More than.
Come now, we are vamoosing.
I cannot let Eve leave her prison.
- We will not.
- I will not.
Do these even connected to anything
or is it just like that
door close button
- on the elevator?
- Yank the...
Tug the...
Yeah, fine, everything
is a sex joke, okay?
Guys, they're almost inside!
Toss her your gun!
Ah!
With the safety on!
I'm sorry!
Key cards, we gotta the thing
with the key cards!
Ready? One, two, three!
Holy shit.
Lit like a Fukushima weekend.
Red... Don't let all my
tricep dips go to waste.
Ah! My leg's broken!
Well, suck it up,
Sheriff, she needs you!
No, Doc and Waverly need you,
they need the Earp heir.
I need medical attention.
Don't you dare do this to me,
not after all your guilt
trips and your punching.
Yeah, we do have fun, don't we?
They're almost inside. They'll kill you.
Not a chance.
I'm gonna be waiting for
you back in Purgatory.
Nicole, Nicole. I can't.
I can't do this without you.
Actually, only you can.
It has to be you, Wynonna.
It was always gonna be you.
The gate is closing!
Don't you dare leave her alone.
I won't. I swear.
I'll see you at home.
All of you.
- Ahh!
- Earp!
Argh!
Huh?
Oh, man.
Titanic taught a whole
generation of chicks
they can just throw
away jewelry, like "hey!"
Come on.
I'm already here.
And I'm only wearing half a shirt.
I'm gonna catch a cold.
I know you're probably evil,
but minus the shears
through your stomach,
whatever you're doing
with your bod is working.
Are you a clone?
Wy-Clone-A?
I am Eve.
I'm Death.
God...
is my voice really that annoying?
I am going to flay your friends alive
and strangle you with their skin.
Jesus, Orphan Whack.
Take a Midol and a nap.
Waverly!
Okay.
Well, at least I know
I'm in the right place.
Fucking humans.
Eve cannot escape.
She cannot be allowed to
enter the realm of Men.
I am the Guardian.
I am the failsafe.
Ugh!
Maybe Wynonna didn't make it through?
Oh no.
No, that's a good sign.
She's definitely driving
somebody crazy in there.
The mutants are almost through.
- I can't do this anymore.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Rachel. Rachel Valdez...
- Where you from?
- The Yucatan.
My... our family's line
goes all the way back
to the Mayans.
Actually...
my mom used to tell me this
story about our ancestors.
Hey. Don't stop there,
George R. R. Martin.
About 300 years ago,
there was this mestiza princess.
A warrior princess.
Ooh.
Mayan Xena.
I already dig her.
They called her The Valdez.
That is awesome.
I know, right?
After she proved worthy in war,
The Valdez was given an
entire kingdom to rule,
and immortality to do so.
Wow, that beats a shiny medal.
Hey, Nicole, are we gonna die?
No.
Maybe.
But we've still got options. Right?
Like what?
We fight.
This war isn't over.
It's just beginning.
Oh God, I can't believe
I'm going to go out
blasting beavers.
Yeah, stick with me, kid.
I'll show you how it's done.
Get down!
Mr. I-Am-A-Weapon,
it's me,
Mr. I-Am-A-Happy-To-See-You.
I see the shears did not fell you?
Well, maybe this will. Argh!
What the hell, Doc?
As far as reunions go,
this is better than my high school,
but not as good as 90210.
I demand
you stop using the voice
of the woman that I care deeply for.
"Care deeply for"?
At least I know you're the real
emotionally constipated Doc.
And you are a fraud!
- And a harlot!
- Ahh!
That's like your
favorite thing about me.
The real Wynonna is back in Purgatory.
Listen!
I found Nicole,
she decked me, we did a road trip,
we got sniped, met a mouthy teen,
we found and broke into
an abandoned facility,
and then we killed a
bunch of scientist mutants.
But now I'm here!
And we gotta get back there.
That is exactly what the
false Wynonna would say.
Your tricks are useless.
Tricks are for kids.
We had one.
Alice. Remember? Huh?
Alice.
It's me, Doc.
It's me.
I'm no deep fake. I'm real.
I cannot risk it.
I swore to protect Waverly!
Hollywood!
Our safe word.
For when private time gets too...
Honky tonk.
It is you.
You came back to save her.
I said that I would.
Do we have time for this?
No, alas.
Where is Waverly?
Yonder.
You go to her.
I will deal with your other half.
Go easy on her money-maker.
Actually go hard. I don't
need the competition.
- What did you do?
- I came home.
This is not your home.
Your home is with me!
- And Nicole.
- This is my destiny.
Doc. Jeremy.
Nedley?
I've always been here.
I will always be here.
Time is a flat circle.
Your ass is gonna be a flat circle
if you spend eternity on that thing.
She cannot be allowed to escape.
This is my duty.
I am the heir.
Not this lukewarm shit again.
There was never a horse
that could not be broken.
Or a cowboy who could not be thrown.
Ah. 'Sup, Doc?
You really gonna be
able to snuff the life
outta these puppy dog peepers?
Nothing but a parlor trick.
No. No.
A very special skill.
You're impressed, admit it.
Terrified too.
Ugh, God, there is so much
useless pop culture knowledge
- in this thing. I...
- It is not useless!
- Ugh!
- It shows he has passion!
I also have a passion.
And it involves me leaving
this godforsaken place,
and getting what I'm owed
in the Ghost River Triangle.
You are stronger than I expected.
Guess he's been working out.
I would like to
congratulate the real Jeremy
on his fitness transformation,
but right now, it's a real hassle.
I told you, I'm leaving,
and I'm getting to Purgatory!
You are right about the first part.
We are running out of time.
Earps!
It is high time we saddle up!
Waverly Earp,
you need to stand your
hiney up off that stone seat
before it's too late.
I am the guardian.
You are the champion.
What we are is sisters.
We must all submit to our destinies.
I am done submitting to shit.
Fine. We'll do it the hard way.
Waves, what the hell?
You cannot undo what has been promised.
Right, right.
'Cause promises are important.
I have the ring you gave Nicole.
Stand up and come with me.
Give it back to her.
The guardians of the
garden do not get to love.
You are not just the guardian.
You are an Earp.
She didn't even say yes.
She will, baby girl.
The curse is over, Waves,
it's time to start living for ourselves.
Wynonna...
Help.
All this destiny, curse, fate,
heirs of anything bullshit?
It's canceled.
Take me home.
Girls?!
What do we do about the shape-shifter?
How do we keep Eve locked in the garden?
We'll find another way.
We always Earpin' do.
- Ahh!
- Hurry!
Okay! This is it!
What the hell? Oh, my God!
Please tell me you remember.
- Third times a charm!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Seriously?
This one.
Knock, knock, anybody home?
Which one is it?
Shit!
My money is on the one that is glowing!
- Oh yeah.
- Let's blow this popsicle...
Er, blood machine murder stand!
- Ahh! Wait!
- There's no more time!
The ring!
No, that thing is tacky as hell!
Enough!
No more semi-biblical bullshit, okay?
Okay.
Eden?
More like eatin' a...
dick!
And I'm back at the stairs.
Waverly?
Doc?
Peacemaker?
It's gone forever.
But they're not.
They made it.
They had to.
Back at the well.
But not in it.
Woo, doggie!
In your face, you stupid hole.
Wynonna?
Waverly?
I got your satchel!
Home.
Home.
Nicole. Nicole!
Eat shit, shit eater!
I'm warning you. No trespassing!
Waverly.
It's me.
It's me.
Oh God, it's you.
I'm home.
Are you real?
Are you?
Get in here and check.
You made it.
Waverly?
I think we both know
where she went first.
We'll find her.
I believe these belong to you.
If you ever need them, they are yours.
So am I.
Oh my God, Doc.
The town.
I don't think I've ever been this happy.
So why do I feel like bawling?
Well, after what we just did,
you're probably pretty dehydrated.
Your laugh is like Christmas.
Your lips are so soft.
Are you going to spend all day
listing all the things
you like about me?
More like the rest of my life.
I love you.
I'm also loving the
Little Mermaid vibes.
So what, you just zipped
into the Ghost River Triangle
and got extensions?
I just grew it out.
What?
Sorry, I just...
I just missed you so much.
Hey.
Wait. How did...
How did you grow it out?
Doc, how can all of this have happened
while we were in the garden?
Unless...
I broke my leg, and I
came back to Purgatory
but I had to retreat to the homestead.
I did everything I could
to keep it safe for you.
Nicole, wait, just tell me.
How long have I been gone?
Don't you know?
You've been gone...
18 months,
three weeks and four days.
All of you have.
Gloria Valdez.
She's like some kind of scientist?
We think it leads to
another way into the garden.
Help us find Dr. Gloria Valdez.
My mom's not one of the bodies.
Wherever Waverly is, she's not safe.
- Wynonna!
- We have to get to her.
Go!
What is this place?
The blood has to be fresh.
- Let's use him up.
- Bought us more time.
Shut up and run!
Wynonna!
Sheriff Haught.
At least you are wearing a smile.
Nicole!
Nicole!
Girl, you are in a league of your own.
Lady, we gotta leave.
How far down does it go?
- All the way.
- Ah!
My sister's girlfriend is
mutant meat or a pancake!
- Waverly's gonna kill me!
- They're gonna kill you!
- I'm gone.
- Haught! Stay alive!
I'm gonna come find you!
You are here!
I am!
But how are you here?
And, uh...
Why did your garments not accompany you?
Ahh! Oh my God! Don't look at me!
- I was not!
- Do not look at me!
I would never!
Although...
- Sheriff Haught...
- Oh my God!
I have seen many a fine
formed women in my lifetime.
- Nope! Nope.
- This is nothing to me,
this is merely water off a duck's back.
Well, I am not a damn duck,
so stop talking and find
me something to wear!
- I cannot get in.
- And I can't get out.
I shall fetch help.
And pants.
And Waverly.
I will get Waverly!
Yeah.
Yeah, Waverly!
Waverly.
Waverly Earp!
Hey!
The fire's died down.
You know...
Also, we built a fire?
You cut your hand. You fed the machine.
Don't you know how dangerous this is?
No, and neither do you.
We don't know anything!
I know I swore to protect you!
And I am trying to protect this place,
just like my father did.
Since when?
Stop talking nonsense and listen!
I am a fully grown half-angel.
And an adult human lady!
Speaking of adult, Nicole is here!
What? Where? How?
She's in this hole
just a way back there.
Next time, maybe lead with that!
Well, Lord knows I tried!
Well...
Are you sure it's her?
I saw her with my own two eyes.
How does she look?
Um...
I think you will be pleased.
Eat wood!
- Ugh!
- My bad.
Teenagers are the worst!
Has anyone in history
ever noted that before?
I said, my bad.
Those things are everywhere.
"Those things" used to
be brilliant physicists.
They were working on some
inter-dimensional gateway.
- To the Garden?
- Whatever it was,
Black Badge was trying to weaponize it.
But once they actually
got the thing to open,
BBD panicked and gassed everyone.
It's the 2005 Chili
Cookoff all over again...
minus the edibles-laced cornbread,
and Hollaback Girl on repeat.
You might be even weirder than me.
And my best friend for
six months has been a rat.
There's gotta be another way
to get into the lower levels.
If your friend fell into the lab,
she's already bread
for the walking dead.
But if she fell into the gate room...
Yeah, she fell into the gate room.
Because you want that to be true?
Hey, you know what?
What are you doing here, kid? Huh?
You've been camping out here
at mutant manor for what?
Months? Years?
I can't leave my mom, okay?
I know the chances of Dr. Gloria Valdez
having survived is more unlikely
than an anti-vaxxer who Botoxes,
but I need to know what happened to her.
And if I find proof
she bit it, I bounce.
Were you home-schooled, kid?
'Cause you might want
to workshop that eulogy.
All I'm trying to say is...
if the gas turned her
totally toxic Avenger,
I'll take care of it. Like...
- That means I kill her myself.
- I cracked that code.
Yeah, okay.
- Rachel...
- Shh!
Yeah, I'll tell you later.
Rachel, we can't hide forever.
I'm gonna go find Nicole
with or without you.
Okay, okay yeah.
There is another way into the lab.
But we really need
three people to get in.
Well, we have two.
And bonus, they're both
super fucking weird.
So listen, we can help
each other, alright?
But I'm not leaving this
place until I find my friend.
And I didn't bring any deodorant.
- I can tell.
- Nope,
not abandoning any of 'em.
My Haught cop. My celestial sister.
My vampire baby daddy.
Your life is wildin', girl.
Together.
- Nicole! Baby!
- Waverly?
You're here, you're really here! How?!
- How are you here?
- I have no idea!
It's so foggy. For a second I was there,
and then I was...
Wow.
Are you okay?
Are you?
Get in here and check.
What? Oh, God!
Baby, you're in some
sort of silo prison.
Yeah, and Doc saw me naked!
But it's fine, I'm over it, so...
So, where is everyone else?
Is Purgatory okay?
Did you see Wynonna?
No, it's just...
it's just me.
Here with you, now.
God, it's really you.
Waverly...
Who else would I be?
Wynonna!
Argh!
I'm down here, I'm still alive!
Ow.
Oh, walnuts.
Who are you?
The lab is kept deoxygenated
to keep the samples sterile.
All those words make me itchy.
Unless you want to suffocate,
we have to wear
decontamination suits and masks.
Ebola outbreak, but
make it fashion. Got it.
We have to cross the lab
to get into the gate room.
But first, we need to find a keycard
that opens the door to the gate room.
And where do we think that is?
Around the neck of some
mutant Black Badge scientists.
The good news is
they tend to stay dormant, in stasis,
unless you wake them.
Say, with a beaver blaster?
Is everything a sex joke to you?
I do try to scissor one
in as often as possible.
So how do we do this?
I have to find the other keycard.
And once we're in the gate room,
we have to swipe both
cards simultaneously
to reopen whatever portal
my mom was working on.
We'll only have one chance
to find what's at the bottom
- of the Nic-hole.
- And the lab is full
of rabid lab coats.
So whatever you do, keep it quiet.
What?
We could short circuit the force field?
- But with what?
- Ah! There!
That's better! Slay!
Lemme guess: Island of
Lesbos, resort collection?
What the hell is that?
It's just time to feed the machine.
The machine?
It is my turn.
- I will go.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Guys? There's a machine?
Yeah. It runs on blood.
Human blood.
Yeah, we have to feed it... blood.
Sure. Okay.
So what happens if you didn't?
Feed it, I mean?
I do not think we want to find out.
Wow. This place is a lot.
I still don't understand
how you got here.
Yeah. Me neither.
Baby?
I have got to get out
of this cage, okay?
'Cause these cherry
blossoms, this force field,
they're not my friends.
Do you hear that?
I'm pretty sure I don't.
It's calling to me.
The throne. My father's throne.
Julian.
Kevin said that I would sit on it,
to save the world.
And that I would turn to stone.
Ha...
Waverly...
Baby, you've already sacrificed so much.
Yeah, well, I'm not the only one.
Doc became a vampire to save us.
Oh.
Is that why he did it?
Yeah, see...
I thought he was just scared
to grow old and... die.
- That's pretty harsh.
- I'm sorry.
Look, I think I'm just hangry.
Yeah, well, imagine being Doc.
He hasn't fed in days.
Ah, there, there, you old boot.
You need more blood? I know the feeling.
Ugh!
Everything's gone to
shit, must be Tuesday!
No way, not today.
When I dreamt about dying,
it involved me in Waverly's arms
and Waverly in Sara Lance cosplay.
The garden is coming to life.
You're not wearing Bulshar's ring.
Well, yeah, I...
I guess he's gone now. Bulshar.
Oh yeah, we smote that
basic bish but good.
Smoted? Smited?
Hey, did you ever think to ask him
why he was trying so hard
to get in here in the first place?
I just assumed, like
most balding sociopaths,
he wanted to play God.
Woman,
look around!
God...
hasn't been here for a long, long time.
Yup. He hit it,
then he quit it. Left humanity on read.
Maybe we should just,
like, chill on the God talk.
And what kind of batshit
playground experiment
for creation was this?
You know, there was a guy,
when Doc and I first got here.
He called this place a prison.
And then he sort of
chopped off his own head.
Men.
So dramatic, right?
Yeah, I guess.
So are you, like, super pissed
that Wynonna drugged you?
The things I'm pissed about...
well, it's a long list.
But...
all will be remedied
one by one by one,
just as soon as I get out of here.
Baby.
My mask. I can't breathe.
What's it called
when you don't get enough oxygen
and you feel drank, and you start to...
You're getting hypoxeia.
Yeah. Talk about silent but deadly.
Mask leak, c'est chic.
Oh, get back down there, mister!
- Shut up.
- Oh shit.
Oh! Nice to see you, mute-aunt,
where's my mute-uncle?
Nowhere. Bad for brain.
We're good, we're good.
Nice one, lil' baby condom!
- But which, which is which?
- I don't know!
Fuck you! Yeah!
Who's a girl gotta screw
around here to get a gun?
Hiya, Red!
Wynonna!
Hi! Who's your crawl-y friend?
She almost killed us, getting to you.
- What's wrong with her?
- Hypoxia.
I wasn't gettin' no oxygen.
Okay? None.
You're something else, Earp.
I don't ever half ass it.
I ass and a half it.
Whatever you are, you're...
you're my ass.
That sounds kinda lesbian.
Ugh!
Well, I'll be damned.
Not literally, I hope.
Nicole.
The many faces of Nicole.
Not Nicole.
An imposter.
This prison is not for us.
It is for the thing I left
Waverly alone with!
Her leg is definitely broken
in at least two places.
Oh! Ah! Ah!
- Three.
- It's okay.
When we get out of
here, I'm going to draw
a bunch of dicks on your cast.
That's really sweet.
You know, from a fall like that,
I still think I got off pretty easy.
Well, we all like to get off.
But you, please, have
to stop dropping things.
You know, if this is a
proposal, I gotta say...
it's missing some baby carrots.
I don't know what that means.
It means, I'm already spoken for.
I just haven't had a
chance to tell Waverly that.
Sheriff, I'm sick and tired of listening
to all the disgustingly
hot premarital sex
- you're having in my house.
- You've been listening?
So let's go make you
make an honest woman
out of my little sister.
Nicole Haught,
will you open the back door
to the maybe garden of Eden with me?
No one's opening anything.
Is that... ?
Dr. Gloria Valdez.
My mom died trying to
keep this portal shut.
Try to change that and I'll kill you.
Doc was supposed to feed the machine!
Yeah, and he failed. Again!
Big surprise!
What's happening?
Let freedom reign.
Friggin' finally!
Ah-ha! Thank you, Waverly!
Come on.
Wait. Nicole...
- You taste like...
- Waverly!
Waverly, get away from her!
That thing is not Nicole!
Like sulfur.
Why are the smoke shows
always dumb as shit?
God, if you hurt the real Nicole...
Oh, sweetie...
I'm going to hurt all of you.
You can call me Eve.
Stay away from her!
And the important thing is, I'm out.
Ah!
Rachel!
Your Mom wouldn't want this for you.
Stop pretending like you know her.
I know how your mom felt.
'Cause I would die to save my sister.
Or kill.
Anyone.
Everyone.
Wynonna, tell her the truth.
I really did lose my
Mom, a lot of people,
when I was young, but I grew up.
And now you have to.
Your mom did this so you could.
Wynonna knew your mom was dead.
Before we even got here.
Narc.
You lied to me.
- You're Black Badge.
- No.
- We're two friends.
- Best friends.
She said it first, there's
no take-backs right?
... who love the same angel
more than anything in the world.
You're...
You're polygamists?
Something is happening on
the other side of the door,
I've got to get through!
They just, they just
left her here to rot.
I couldn't save her.
Well, let us save someone else.
Whatever you are,
Doc's going to kill you.
Ah, save your heteronormative
hero hogwash for humanity, sweetie,
which incidentally, I preclude by eons.
Just say you're old,
you pretentious bitch!
I am a nightmare unto the world.
And your cherubic little daddy died
before he could teach
you how to save it.
From me!
Ah! For once I wish
we'd just take on a demon
that isn't such a talker, you know?
Well, it's not all bad news.
See, you succeeded
where the snake failed.
You freed me from this prison.
You and your cute little cowboy.
I am a gunslinger, you amateur.
The best in the west!
Hi, gorgeous! Ya miss me?
But I screwed all this up.
Hey, your mistakes do not define you.
This crazy chick
without a gun is living proof of that.
Nicole and I are going
through that portal
to rescue our people
and all the bullets in the
world are not gonna stop us.
You just wanted to punch her again.
I can't believe I may be
stuck with you forever.
It's cracking.
Oh shit, shit, shit!
Well, if we're going
to get into the garden,
we do it now, this is our only way out.
Oh!
Wow, you are real handsome
when you lose control.
You do not get to speak as him.
Please, Holliday. Please.
Don't hurt me.
Shut your lying mouth.
Earth angel brought a demon.
Smart.
- Doc!
- You're one of us!
When are you gonna
man up and pick a side?
From the devil that
cannot even pick a face.
Don't think about leaving!
I'm not done with you yet.
You are done.
And you will never touch her aga...
Doc.
How could you?
I love you.
- Enough.
- More than.
Come now, we are vamoosing.
I cannot let Eve leave her prison.
- We will not.
- I will not.
Do these even connected to anything
or is it just like that
door close button
- on the elevator?
- Yank the...
Tug the...
Yeah, fine, everything
is a sex joke, okay?
Guys, they're almost inside!
Toss her your gun!
Ah!
With the safety on!
I'm sorry!
Key cards, we gotta the thing
with the key cards!
Ready? One, two, three!
Holy shit.
Lit like a Fukushima weekend.
Red... Don't let all my
tricep dips go to waste.
Ah! My leg's broken!
Well, suck it up,
Sheriff, she needs you!
No, Doc and Waverly need you,
they need the Earp heir.
I need medical attention.
Don't you dare do this to me,
not after all your guilt
trips and your punching.
Yeah, we do have fun, don't we?
They're almost inside. They'll kill you.
Not a chance.
I'm gonna be waiting for
you back in Purgatory.
Nicole, Nicole. I can't.
I can't do this without you.
Actually, only you can.
It has to be you, Wynonna.
It was always gonna be you.
The gate is closing!
Don't you dare leave her alone.
I won't. I swear.
I'll see you at home.
All of you.
- Ahh!
- Earp!
Argh!
Huh?
Oh, man.
Titanic taught a whole
generation of chicks
they can just throw
away jewelry, like "hey!"
Come on.
I'm already here.
And I'm only wearing half a shirt.
I'm gonna catch a cold.
I know you're probably evil,
but minus the shears
through your stomach,
whatever you're doing
with your bod is working.
Are you a clone?
Wy-Clone-A?
I am Eve.
I'm Death.
God...
is my voice really that annoying?
I am going to flay your friends alive
and strangle you with their skin.
Jesus, Orphan Whack.
Take a Midol and a nap.
Waverly!
Okay.
Well, at least I know
I'm in the right place.
Fucking humans.
Eve cannot escape.
She cannot be allowed to
enter the realm of Men.
I am the Guardian.
I am the failsafe.
Ugh!
Maybe Wynonna didn't make it through?
Oh no.
No, that's a good sign.
She's definitely driving
somebody crazy in there.
The mutants are almost through.
- I can't do this anymore.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Rachel. Rachel Valdez...
- Where you from?
- The Yucatan.
My... our family's line
goes all the way back
to the Mayans.
Actually...
my mom used to tell me this
story about our ancestors.
Hey. Don't stop there,
George R. R. Martin.
About 300 years ago,
there was this mestiza princess.
A warrior princess.
Ooh.
Mayan Xena.
I already dig her.
They called her The Valdez.
That is awesome.
I know, right?
After she proved worthy in war,
The Valdez was given an
entire kingdom to rule,
and immortality to do so.
Wow, that beats a shiny medal.
Hey, Nicole, are we gonna die?
No.
Maybe.
But we've still got options. Right?
Like what?
We fight.
This war isn't over.
It's just beginning.
Oh God, I can't believe
I'm going to go out
blasting beavers.
Yeah, stick with me, kid.
I'll show you how it's done.
Get down!
Mr. I-Am-A-Weapon,
it's me,
Mr. I-Am-A-Happy-To-See-You.
I see the shears did not fell you?
Well, maybe this will. Argh!
What the hell, Doc?
As far as reunions go,
this is better than my high school,
but not as good as 90210.
I demand
you stop using the voice
of the woman that I care deeply for.
"Care deeply for"?
At least I know you're the real
emotionally constipated Doc.
And you are a fraud!
- And a harlot!
- Ahh!
That's like your
favorite thing about me.
The real Wynonna is back in Purgatory.
Listen!
I found Nicole,
she decked me, we did a road trip,
we got sniped, met a mouthy teen,
we found and broke into
an abandoned facility,
and then we killed a
bunch of scientist mutants.
But now I'm here!
And we gotta get back there.
That is exactly what the
false Wynonna would say.
Your tricks are useless.
Tricks are for kids.
We had one.
Alice. Remember? Huh?
Alice.
It's me, Doc.
It's me.
I'm no deep fake. I'm real.
I cannot risk it.
I swore to protect Waverly!
Hollywood!
Our safe word.
For when private time gets too...
Honky tonk.
It is you.
You came back to save her.
I said that I would.
Do we have time for this?
No, alas.
Where is Waverly?
Yonder.
You go to her.
I will deal with your other half.
Go easy on her money-maker.
Actually go hard. I don't
need the competition.
- What did you do?
- I came home.
This is not your home.
Your home is with me!
- And Nicole.
- This is my destiny.
Doc. Jeremy.
Nedley?
I've always been here.
I will always be here.
Time is a flat circle.
Your ass is gonna be a flat circle
if you spend eternity on that thing.
She cannot be allowed to escape.
This is my duty.
I am the heir.
Not this lukewarm shit again.
There was never a horse
that could not be broken.
Or a cowboy who could not be thrown.
Ah. 'Sup, Doc?
You really gonna be
able to snuff the life
outta these puppy dog peepers?
Nothing but a parlor trick.
No. No.
A very special skill.
You're impressed, admit it.
Terrified too.
Ugh, God, there is so much
useless pop culture knowledge
- in this thing. I...
- It is not useless!
- Ugh!
- It shows he has passion!
I also have a passion.
And it involves me leaving
this godforsaken place,
and getting what I'm owed
in the Ghost River Triangle.
You are stronger than I expected.
Guess he's been working out.
I would like to
congratulate the real Jeremy
on his fitness transformation,
but right now, it's a real hassle.
I told you, I'm leaving,
and I'm getting to Purgatory!
You are right about the first part.
We are running out of time.
Earps!
It is high time we saddle up!
Waverly Earp,
you need to stand your
hiney up off that stone seat
before it's too late.
I am the guardian.
You are the champion.
What we are is sisters.
We must all submit to our destinies.
I am done submitting to shit.
Fine. We'll do it the hard way.
Waves, what the hell?
You cannot undo what has been promised.
Right, right.
'Cause promises are important.
I have the ring you gave Nicole.
Stand up and come with me.
Give it back to her.
The guardians of the
garden do not get to love.
You are not just the guardian.
You are an Earp.
She didn't even say yes.
She will, baby girl.
The curse is over, Waves,
it's time to start living for ourselves.
Wynonna...
Help.
All this destiny, curse, fate,
heirs of anything bullshit?
It's canceled.
Take me home.
Girls?!
What do we do about the shape-shifter?
How do we keep Eve locked in the garden?
We'll find another way.
We always Earpin' do.
- Ahh!
- Hurry!
Okay! This is it!
What the hell? Oh, my God!
Please tell me you remember.
- Third times a charm!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Seriously?
This one.
Knock, knock, anybody home?
Which one is it?
Shit!
My money is on the one that is glowing!
- Oh yeah.
- Let's blow this popsicle...
Er, blood machine murder stand!
- Ahh! Wait!
- There's no more time!
The ring!
No, that thing is tacky as hell!
Enough!
No more semi-biblical bullshit, okay?
Okay.
Eden?
More like eatin' a...
dick!
And I'm back at the stairs.
Waverly?
Doc?
Peacemaker?
It's gone forever.
But they're not.
They made it.
They had to.
Back at the well.
But not in it.
Woo, doggie!
In your face, you stupid hole.
Wynonna?
Waverly?
I got your satchel!
Home.
Home.
Nicole. Nicole!
Eat shit, shit eater!
I'm warning you. No trespassing!
Waverly.
It's me.
It's me.
Oh God, it's you.
I'm home.
Are you real?
Are you?
Get in here and check.
You made it.
Waverly?
I think we both know
where she went first.
We'll find her.
I believe these belong to you.
If you ever need them, they are yours.
So am I.
Oh my God, Doc.
The town.
I don't think I've ever been this happy.
So why do I feel like bawling?
Well, after what we just did,
you're probably pretty dehydrated.
Your laugh is like Christmas.
Your lips are so soft.
Are you going to spend all day
listing all the things
you like about me?
More like the rest of my life.
I love you.
I'm also loving the
Little Mermaid vibes.
So what, you just zipped
into the Ghost River Triangle
and got extensions?
I just grew it out.
What?
Sorry, I just...
I just missed you so much.
Hey.
Wait. How did...
How did you grow it out?
Doc, how can all of this have happened
while we were in the garden?
Unless...
I broke my leg, and I
came back to Purgatory
but I had to retreat to the homestead.
I did everything I could
to keep it safe for you.
Nicole, wait, just tell me.
How long have I been gone?
Don't you know?
You've been gone...
18 months,
three weeks and four days.
All of you have.