Wu-Tang: An American Saga (2019–…): Season 3, Episode 3 - Dirty Dancin' - full transcript

Yo, I'ma need this shit
when I get signed to...

See, Elektra
really believes in Dirty.

Everything that Def
Jam wouldn't give Dirty

on the backend, Elektra
will, and much more.

Take the Elektra deal.

It's all I ever wanted
to be was on Def Jam.

If you want to be
treated differently,

you need to grow up.

Yo, Bobby, we had to
turn in that album,

like, two months ago.

Yo, how can I even
focus on tracks



if he won't even
talk to me, you know?

I'm sorry for signing
you to Elektra

before talking to you about it.

You can't be treating me
like no kid no more, son.

And you can't be out
here fucking around

when we got work to do.

I'm ready to work now.

All right, man.
This song right here?

I've been saving
this one, a'ight?

Yo. It's been
two fucking days.

Pick a fucking
beat already, cuz.

You ain't even fucking
helped on the mike yet.

You just sitting there
smoking, nodding,

and waving off my
beats and shit.



Hey, Elektra ain't accepting
no delays, you hear me?

They gonna hold money
from us that they owe,

and they gonna sue us
for money we don't have.

You gotta start laying
down tracks, nigga.

Figure this shit out.

Your first album, it's
your whole life explained.

Yo, son.

Remember we used
to do that shit?

See how long we could last.

Yeah, yo. That shit's
still funny, nigga,

but it ain't helping
us right now.

You hear what I'm saying?

You gonna do that shit on
your album for an hour?

Down low.

We just listened to that shit.

No. We heard it. We
didn't experience this.

We gotta get this
album done, a'ight?

This ain't something that's just

gonna come out of nowhere.

If I do that, it ain't
gonna go nowhere, yo.

Like you said, this album
is my whole life explained.

I been listening to this shit
since I was five years old, yo.

I'm not the poster boy Method
is or the wordsmith Genius is.

Yo, I'm me. Ain't no
father to my style.

Yo, when a album got
a sound like that,

it gotta be on some
unpredictable, grimy...

Yo, dirt dog, grimy shit, yo.

Yo, we gotta hop into our
creative chamber, Abbott.

We gotta... we gotta do shit
we used to do when we was kids.

- Hmm.
- We wasn't afraid to laugh,

but still bust a nigga's ass.

Hey!

Oh, shit.

Like some punch
card shit, nigga?

Fingers crossed.
Fingers crossed, a'ight?

A'ight.

♪
And all you and your hos ♪

♪ You keep lives full of soul ♪

Hey, yo, this album
gotta be my essence, son.

Uncensored. Unfiltered.

I want you to laugh, cry, and
punch a nigga in the face.

The album is an experience,

and you're the
audience to my show,

and I'm onstage, at that show,

'cause you need me to lift your
spirits and touch your soul!

Oh!

Yeah, thank you very
much. Thank you very much.

My name is Dirt McGirt,
ladies and gentlemen,

and, uh, the next bit
I'd like to do is called

Taurus and the goddamn Bulls.

Hey, you know what
I'm talking about?

Yeah. Since Tauruses
are so stubborn,

I imagine they think a
tune sound like this.

Yeah, yeah.

♪ The first time
you suck my dick ♪

♪ And the ♪

♪ First time I shot
off in your mouth ♪

♪ Something shot out
of me real fast ♪

Ooh!

I be available for weddings,

bar mitzvahs, and funerals,
ladies and gentlemen.

Disgusting! We're
leaving.

That
sister right there

is the kind of prude-ass girl

that won't even let a
man go up her dress!

- Hey, motherfucker!
- Oh...

Hey!

Folks, they want me
to turn my noise down.

Hey! DIRT MCGIRT:
First, let me

ask y'all a question.

What's worse than
gettin' gonorrhea?

Sister?

Lady? Sir?

Getting that motherfucker
twice, am I right?

Oh, baby, I should stop meeting
chicks at the free clinic.

I don't know.
What y'all think?

I can't help it.

I don't care
about none-a that shit!

Look, you can't be out here
scaring off big-time money.

Bring
out our next comic.

Mm.

Why can't you be
like Shaquan Smith?

Shaquan has supreme clientele
that brought in bookoo bucks.

Mmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Now look at him, nigga.

An international superstar.

Yeah. Yeah, right.

Right next to my hotel,
there's a corner store.

Some guys buy beer.

Some kids buy junk food.

- Right there...
- Nigga!

What the fuck does that have to
do with what we talking about?

Not a goddamn thing, man!

Look, I ain't got a goddamn
thing to do with Shaquan Smith.

Look,

you see how, uh, I'm turning
into a broken record?

Thank you, baby.

Look, man, the back
seaters love my Black ass.

Yeah, but the back
seaters buy cheap ripple.

I'm trying to run a
business here, baby.

You're not
listening to me, man!

See, you want me to be a
international superstar

when I'm already the
biggest star in the galaxy.

Come on now,
baby. This McGirt.

If that's true then,

why am I the only club
that still books you?

See, ever since you bought
this whole establishment,

you done turned into
straight management.

You used to be a comic.

'Member when we toured together?

Broke all the rules together?

What happened to you, brother?

You used to trust the art.

Brother, trust goes both ways.

Now, if your motherfucking
ass wasn't out here

trying to be a motherfucking
pervert's dream act,

you'd be bigger than Shaquan.

Come on, man. I'll play nice.

Look, can a brother
get paid, man?

Damn. AIRTIGHT
MIKE: Look, player.

All I'm saying is

you gotta be a version of
yourself that ain't you.

Now, what the fuck is that
even 'posed to mean, man?

H-h-how I'm gonna be somebody
other than myself, man?

Clean up your act, or get out.

My man main Daddy Cool!

Whoo hoo hoo!

Hey.

Gimme that.

How's it hanging, brother?

Hey, life is living, and
living is life, my brother.

- All right now.
- Hey, I heard the laughter

and saw the tight asses
running out the club.

You keep doing your
thing, now, Dirt.

I appreciate that, brother.

- No problem, brother.
- Hey.

Hey, matter of fact,

I'ma bring my old lady to
come see you next time.

- The foxy one?
- The foxy one.

Bring her through!
Bring it through, baby!

Hey, I gots
to go. I gotta go write

a whole new set for
tomorrow night, you dig?

Hey, hey, hey, Jack.
Come here. Come here.

Come here. Come here.

Hey, man.

Don't put the powder
before your word power.

You understand? We
need brothers like you.

Can you dig it?

Yeah, man, but dig this.

A man like me gots to
live in the moment, baby.

All right, now. I'll
catch you later, man.

- Be cool, all right?
- All right, brother.

- Till next time.
- Till next time.

Knock, knock.

Skrrt, skrrt!

- Hey, baby.
- Hey, hey...

Come on!
Come on, baby.

I'll take care-a you.

You know I
got the goody-good.

Hey, hey. What did the
preacher say to the strippers?

Fuck you!

You
one funny motherfucker!

Hey, hey, hey, man!

I don't give a damn
about no Uncle Sam.

Hey, get the fuck... hey, man...

Sit your ass down, man.

Shit, why... damn!

Hey, man. Listen, man.
I'm sorry about, uh...

I'm sorry if that was
your car I stole, man.

If you don't shut the
fuck up, I swear to God...

- No.
- I'ma slap the shit outta you.

He needs those lips.

Do you know who I am, sugar?

Yeah, um,

you the lady who had these
goons kick down my door.

Mm-hmm.

I'm a lot more than
that, funnyman.

I'm Lady Marlboro,
and you'd know that,

if your vice was
numbers and not...

But today, I'm here
because I'm opening a club.

The Ladies Room.
You like the name?

Yeah. I like ladies, yeah.

Music and comedy.

And I need me a headliner.

And I hear you're none too
happy with Mr. Airtight Mike.

- I'm not following.
- Get the fuck out...

Nigga!

The gracious lady wants you

to sling your jokes for her.

And she gonna pay
you a whole lot more

than they pay you at the
Kit Club, motherfucker.

I'll pay you 2,000, up
front, to jump ship.

And I can be myself?
Say whatever I want?

As long as you pack the house.

Nah, man.

I can't do that
to Airtight Mike.

He the one gave me my start.

Reconsider.

Do it already, man.

You willing to die for this?

Man, lady.

I got a lot to explain to God.

Backstabbing just
ain't one of 'em.

Hmm.

Normally, I'd have Grits and
Gravy pummel you to dust,

but I respect a man who doesn't
compromise his principle.

And do try to reconsider.

♪ Ah ♪

♪ My advantage on
the M-I-C is the slang ♪

♪ That I manifest so
you could never hang ♪

♪ Obviously you know
my name by now ♪

♪ I done thrown stupid parties
all through your town ♪

♪ Dirt McGirt, that's
my motherfucking name ♪

♪ Love to flirt, that's
my motherfucking game ♪

♪ They said "You
want to be MC... ♪

Wait, wait. I didn't
get to the joke yet.

There are rules when you start
dating a guy in a wheelchair.

It's just things you
just can't say to me.

You can't walk me through
a step-by-step process.

You feel awkward if you
ask me about my "stand-up"?

Or did I get a standing ovation?

And where do I
stand with politics?

There was a crime that
happened the other day,

and the cops didn't believe me

when I said I was just
a innocent bystander.

Ladies and gentlemen, allow me
to introduce our next comedian.

By his name, you'll know
he'll struggle to clean it up.

Dirt McGirt, y'all!

Whew.

How y'all doin' tonight? Mm.

I wanna tell you
guys about myself.

I'm not from here.
I'm from Philadelphia.

Typical Philly family.

Ten of us in a
two-bedroom apartment,

or should I mention that ten
of us lived in one bedroom.

The other half of my family
lived in the other bedroom.

All 12 of them.

Very typical family.
Very typical.

Just kids. No
mother. No father.

We was bastards on both sides.

Double bastards.

We even shared clothes
at the same time.

Two kids an outfit.

My sister would pick out
the perfect dress for us.

I'm sorry, Mike.

Here's to my first time I ever
wore a condom, god damn it.

See, I prefer it
raw. I prefer it raw.

Some people are
Mormon. I am a Raw-mon.

The first time I
even wore a condom,

it wasn't even a
condom, god damn it.

It was, uh, sandwich
plastic bag wrap

that I had to just wrap
around that motherfucker.

Care for me to demonstrate,
ladies? No gentlemen.

Yeah! Whoo!

Shit!

Look at that thing!

Dirt McDirt!

Ladies!

You ain't never seen
nothin' like this?

And don't you bring
your motherfucking ass

back around here
again, motherfucker.

Yeah, go on and get.

Welcome, welcome.

Welcome back, player.

Thank you, player. Come on in.

We got something
nice for your lady.

Yep. After you. After you.

Ha ha. All right, all right.

Oh, man.

Come on, man.

Hey. Hey. It's me, man.

All right, man.

Do you know the most
important commodity is time?

It's the only thing you
spend you can't get back.

Nigga, do you hear me?

I'm not a woman who
repeats herself,

because it wastes my time!

Don't you ever mix
that rock-and-roll shit

with my soul music again.

Do you hear?

I promise.

All right. Come on.

Ah, you look like a man who's
reconsidered my generous offer.

Um... I have conditions.

I set conditions.

Uh...

I don't want you
at my club anymore

if you're going butt-ball
naked at my fine establishment.

Oh, yeah. I heard
what you did.

But you said I could
say whatever I want.

I said you could say
whatever you want,

as long as you packed the house.

Based on everyone that
left the club that night,

I don't have high hopes of
that happening at my joint.

I realize that
your kind of funny

is for the privacy of perverts,

so instead of
headlining my club,

you're going to record
an album for me.

And they can hear your
filthy vinyl records

at their drugged-out parties.

Now, to love Dirt
is to see Dirt.

See, I gotta be in the room,

so I can uplift they souls
and spirits, you dig?

Nigga, if you don't
watch your mouth

in front of the lady, I
swear to God, I will...

Easy, Grits.

Now, if you take my
money, you owe me time.

Am I going to have to repeat
myself about this, sugar?

No, no. No, no.

No.

Ooh, yo, Soul Train starts in
ten minutes, Lady Marlboro.

Thanks, hon.

Ooh, I love that host.

Whew, shit. In another life.

I could see myself bouncing his
balls all around my bedroom.

In a holy matrimony-type way.

Oh. Now, McGirt.

You gonna run your ass down
to my recording studio,

and after that boy Syl
finish cutting his song,

you gonna cut me
a comedy record,

or I'm gonna cut
your lifeline short.

Whoo!

Hey, that's my stuff!

Get back here! Crazy kids!

Listen, dog, I wanna get
so high, I get sober, baby.

You know what I'm talking about?

Lay it on me, Daddy.

Hey, mirrors still work,
brother... use one.

That's what I'm
trying to do, man.

No, nigga, you're not listening.

Look at your face in the mirror.

Not you, too, on this
righteous kick shit, man.

Hey, I ain't selling
you blow no more.

You're wasting your talent.

Would you do me like that, man?

I ain't got no choice.

Fuck you then, man!

Keep your shit.

Now, being though
I'm givin' you $200,

the same amount that I
just tried to give him,

and he don't know you...

I'ma need you to show a
little more titty meat

to distract him, you know
what I'm talking about?

'Cause I'ma need a 50 on
the side for tit work.

You'd do me like that?

Sorry, baby, but damn.

Nixon in office is making times
harder than a convict's dick.

I'ma do you good
right after, anyway.

Now, you drive a hard
bargain don't you?

Come here. Take that.

Now get that booger
sugar, honey.

Shit.

Lord, have mercy.

Is that Priscilla?

Juanita? Cindy?

Peaches? How you
doing, Peaches?

Now, you know your
name Peaches, sister.

Come on, now!

Shit, that was my way of
putting a smile on your face.

Can I ask you a deeply
personal question?

Come walk with me
real quick, baby.

Can you start
with your name?

I'm Dirt McGirt.

No. Seriously.

What's your name?

Look, seeing as that we
destined to have kids

and get married and all that,

I wanted to know what side of
the bed you like sleepin' on...

The left or the
right side, baby?

I have known you for
all of three seconds.

Slow down, mister.

Well, I mean, slow
down to the first date?

Shit, I'm glad you
suggest it. I accept it.

That's not what I
meant, but okay.

Dirt!

Who's that?

Now hold on, baby.

My friend Cinnamon
was just wondering

if she could come
over for a while.

Ha ha ha ha.

Now, I know
you don't like sharin'.

But it's all
equal over here, baby.

'Cause sharin' is carin'.

All right, now it's time for
the scramble board once again.

Let's see what this beautiful
couple has in store for us.

Say it loud. Black and proud.

Say it with soul.

Oh, shit.

I told my job I went
to get cigarettes.

Mr. Parker's gonna
fire me for sure. Fuck.

Soda and cereal, all day.

They've been on a
real food kick lately.

Got everybody buying junk food.

Don Cornelius is a
man you can trust.

Fuck it. I'ma get my job back.

♪ Things
they never could ♪

♪ I like it, I like it... ♪

Say, don't you have an
album to record, baby?

I ain't doing shit
for that bitch.

Ain't you gonna get in trouble?

I been in trouble before.

It's the principle.

She don't get to decide
if I'm onstage or not.

Ain't this like "end
up dead" trouble?

♪ You got enough
power in your touch... ♪

First, it was Mike.

Then Daddy Cool.

Every-fucking-body
thinking they can see me.

Please.

You know what? Fuck it.

If I get fired, I get fired.

I don't know what the
fuck to tell these people.

And why should you?
You are who you are.

Don't be a robot to
this jackass system.

I like
how that sounds.

God don't
make no mistakes.

Shit, I've been who I was

since my mama squirted
me out her hips.

These Banana Smacks good
as a motherfucker, Mama!

Put some more milk
in this bitch.

One day, the world drop a
ton of rules on your head.

"Don't say that.
Can't do this.

"Oh, no, that's wrong.

Act right."

Shit, if I can learn to see
the world how they see it,

they should see it
how I see it too.

We are who we believe we are.

I believe in you, baby.

You okay, baby?

I know some people laugh at me,

not with me.

Think I'm some sort
of minstrel show.

But those who know, know.

They will never see no
talent like this again.

Ever.

So fuck that bitch
and her studio!

SYL: ♪ I ain't going
through no more changes ♪

♪ To keep you, girl ♪

♪ Make up your mind ♪

♪ Stay or leave ♪

♪ 'Cause any way
the wind blows ♪

♪ It's cool with me ♪

♪ Any way the wind blows ♪

♪ Oh, it's cool with me ♪

♪ Any way the wind blows,
it's cool with me ♪

Yeah.

Now. Play me my
comedy nigga shit.

He never showed
up to his session.

I-I waited, and I
waited. I-I swear.

Go.

For standing me up,

I want you to make that
sucka number one...

Minus one, that's zero.

All right, now.

It's time for a little bit
of Soul Train line dancing.

♪ Come on, now ♪

♪ Put it down now ♪

♪ Sock it to me, huh ♪

Ooh!

♪ Foxy lady ♪

♪ Uh, she bad ♪

♪ You'll come around ♪

♪ Oh, you gone be mad ♪

Damn, baby, them nipples
hard as a motherfucker.

Cocoa butter that up.

Oh, them ain't titties.

Fuck!

Shit. Hey. Hey, man.

I ain't have your number. I
was just about to call you.

Get the fuck
up. Stand the fuck up!

You know what, brother? I
done left my jokes upstairs.

Hey, let me go get
'em real quick.

That's enough of
all that bullshit!

Yo, this is
one funny nigga, huh?

Hey, he gonna be a
funny dead nigga, in a second.

Shit! Who do you think...

Oh, damn it!

All this fighting's gonna
get one of us hurt, man.

Yo ass gonna get hurt!

Uh!

Jiving motherfucker.

Uh!

Uh!

Uh!

♪ Baby, you laughing ♪

Hey. Hey, man.
You fellas hungry?

Let's go get some...
Some pancakes.

- Chicken and waffles?
- Nigga, I will break my hand

breaking your face, if you
don't shut the fuck up!

Shit, man.

They ain't gonna have no chicken
and waffles where I'm going.

Oh, co-come on, Gravy.

This... this fool funny.

You ever hear him playing
at the Kitty Kat Club?

He got a familiar face,

but the cat I'm thinking of
wouldn't be such a jive-ass.

Do I remind you of
somebody you'd let go?

No! Motherfucker!

- It's me, man.
- Nigga!

Ahh! Shit, man.

If it was up to me, I'd
blow your brains out

all over the back
of this Cadillac.

Don't you know laughter good
for the heart, mind, and soul?

Ahh! Shit, man.

Stop all this shit!

Since you
about to die and all,

how about you tell us a little
bit of your last material?

Knock-knock.

Who's there?
Who's there? Who's there?

- Not me, nigga!
- What the...

♪ Baby, baby,
come on, baby, come on ♪

♪ Baby, come
on, baby come on ♪

What the fuck?
Anybody wanna...

Oh, shit, motherfucker! DIRT:
Right motherfuckin' now.

Watch out for the nuns!

Oh!

You want us
to go to hell, nigga?

Whaa...

Holy shit!

DIRTY: ♪ You can never ignore ♪

♪ Hip hop to me is
like the place to be ♪

♪ My specialty from
me to you is MC ♪

♪ Say what you wanna
say, baby say ♪

♪ I flip the
microphone any day ♪

♪ I'm mad swift 'cause
I got that gift of gab ♪

♪ Niggas get mad ♪

- ♪ Your ass never had ♪
- [nuns exclaiming] Oh, Jesus!

♪ This talent that I
got will riz-zock... ♪

Hey. Hey.
Hey, man. Say, man.

Listen, whoever
the fuck you are,

I got $10,000 in a
safety deposit box,

and you can have that shit.

Just let me go, man!

What the fuck?

We've been watching you
for some time now, Dirt.

What? White man. Who
the hell are you, man?

Never you worry about who I am,

just what I am offering.

I have $5,000 for you.

That should, uh,

cover your little situation
with Lady Marlboro.

You The Man, ain't you?

See, I knew The Man was
looking for me. I knew it.

That's right. I'm The Man.

And I will have your ass
thrown into a jail cell

until you rot, Dirt.

Tch. Man, only place I'm
rottin' is the graveyard.

Yeah? Well, we can
arrange that too.

Fuck is your problem, man?

Now, do you
watch, uh, Soul Train?

You know, uh, do you
know Don Cornelius?

The, "love, peace, and soul."

I might know some people.
I don't know, man.

Oh,
you'll be going down

to the taping of Soul Train

with a backstage pass where
you'll be posing as a dancer.

You know how you people do.

There, you will
complete your mission.

What mission are you
talking about, sir?

I think you got the
wrong brother, man.

That... that
ain't me.

You will kill

Mr. Don Cornelius.

Let me get
this straight.

You want me to kill Don
Cornelius, Black royalty?

Damn, man.

You funny as hell,
whitey. You big white man.

You must be out your
motherfucking mind, man!

See, despite me sitting
down, I am a stand-up,

Asiatic Black man

with his dick and balls

and his word
intact, god damn it!

So you can shove that
funky-ass assignment

up yo narrow white ass!

What the fuck?

Far out, right?

Whew, I need to get
high for this, man.

What the fuck is going on?

We needed to make sure
you weren't a sellout.

- You passed the test.
- Nigga, what test?

I'm Leroy Roscoe,

brother-in-arms for
the Black-Eye-A.

Oh...
yeah. I got you.

Let's get you out of here, Dirt.

Black-Eye-A?

You heard of CIA?

Well, we're the
Black-Eye-A, keeping a foot

so far up The Man's ass,
he burps shoe leather.

Right on, brother.

You see, Black
culture is expanding.

Music. Movies. Sports.

And The Man?

The Man fears our influence,
so he waged an attack.

Soul Train.

You see, mighty whitey
wants to kill us softly

with this poisonous food.

We've traced a spike

in unhealthy living
in our community

back to the Soul
Train scramble board.

Now, bear with me.

What I say next may
be hard to believe.

Brother, you just wiped
a white man's face

off of your face. I
mean, come on now.

The CIA is behind it all.

They hijacked Soul Train by
kidnapping Don Cornelius.

- Come again?
- It gets crazier, brother.

You see, Don Cornelius is
somewhere in a CIA safehouse

while the Robot Cornelius
has been hosting the show

for the past year. The
robot talks like Don.

Looks like Don, down
to his perfect afro,

but he ain't Don.

That's why we need you
to kill Robot Cornelius.

Can you do that for us, brother?

So you mean to tell me

the only reason that Don
Cornelius don't dance

is because he's a goddamn robot?

I'll do it.

I'll blow that robot into metal
motherfucking pieces, man.

Now, outta all the
brothers in New York City,

I gotta ask, why you
pick the Dirt Dog, man?

'Cause we know Dirt McGirt
would never compromise himself.

Damn right.

♪ Aw, shit, here
I go once again ♪

♪ Rhymes get shitty from
the time that I spend ♪

♪ I come old like
toe fungus mold ♪

♪ Ask my grand-pop pop
duke gave my soul ♪

♪ Then I came with that
old Al Green shit ♪

♪ Saaa-die, taught
me the ballistic ♪

♪ I get too blurry in your
eye with a high note ♪

♪ Down to the Brownsville,
oops, you got smoked ♪

♪ The shit I'm dropping
is stinking up your area ♪

♪ When I shoot it through... ♪

♪ I'm
glad you're home ♪

♪ Now did you really miss me ♪

♪ I guess you did by
the look in your eyes ♪

Dirt, meet Candy,

our weapon specialist
and all-around badass.

I love me some candy.

Yeah, I'll get this
cat suited and booted

to ice the Robot Cornelius.

All right now.

Guns. Rifles. Bazookas.
Lay it on me, mama.

Nah,
undercover brother.

All that bang-bang,
pow-pow is for the pigs.

We move in silence.

♪ Ring my bell ♪

Now, this pinky ring
is electronic with a pulse

that will disable the CIA's
control over the robot.

You gonna wave it in front
of Don's dead-eye stare,

and that'll disable
him for 20 seconds.

♪ Bell, ring my bell ♪

♪ Ring my bell ♪

Oh, this 'bout to get good, man.

Pow!

Now, while the
robot is disabled,

you gonna peel back Don's afro.

That'll expose
his circuit board.

Jam the pick prongs
into the slots.

I designed a code
inside the fist

that will self-destruct
that Fugazi Cornelius.

Ooh, far out, sister.

Far out, man.

While I admire the
compliment and the accuracy,

I don't do prophylactics.

I'm the type of guy
that like it raw,

you know what I'm talking about?

If you find yourself in
an impossible situation,

this will get you out of there.

Mm.

Well, uh, I don't know
how I can do that.

I've never tried
it, and, uh, yeah.

Ah, just open it up.
You'll understand.

All right, the taping
is starting soon.

It's time to finish the mission.

Okay, now, CIA cats is gonna
be all over that scene.

You might not make it out alive.

You know that, right?

The Dirt don't die, baby.

You understand that, right?

Mm.

The dancers have just arrived

and Don Cornelius
is on the move.

And here to help us check out
some of their terrific tunes

off their hot new
debut album entitled,

Can It Be All So Simple,

are two young men who've
captured the hearts

and minds of millions
of music lovers.

Please give a warm
Soul Train welcome

to the LittleJohn Brothers.

♪ Hello, my love ♪

♪ I heard a kiss from you ♪

♪ Red magic satin
playing near too ♪

♪ All through the
morning rain I gaze ♪

♪ The sun doesn't shine ♪

♪ Rainbows and waterfalls
run through my mind ♪

♪ A present from you,
strawberry letter 22 ♪

♪ The music plays,
I sit in for a few ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

It's time for the Soul
Train Word Scramble,

and who do we have here today?

Talani.

And
where are you from?

Inglewood, California.

You're familiar
with how this works.

You have 60 seconds to
unscramble the board.

Someone changed
the scramble board.

We have an intruder.

Robot Cornelius!

I'm calling you
out, jive turkey.

There's only one way
in and one way out.

Ah!

Whoo!

Ah!

Fuck it. Let's get it on!

Aah!

Aah!

You really thought
you was gonna get away

with using our music to
fool the world's children,

you fake mother-less sucka?

About as fake as your
stand-up routine,

so I guess we have
something in common.

It's a shame I have to kill you.

Get in line.

Matter of fact,

get your Black robot ass
in the back of the line.

Ha-ha-ha.

You got jokes.

I don't like jokes.

Well, I don't like phonies.

Your Black-Eye-A ring

won't work on me.

Now who's the fake?

Got you, sucka.

Now you get a complete view

of how I whoop your
featherweight ass.

Self-detonation activated.

Shit is gonna blow.

I better get to the rooftop!

If you find yourself
in an impossible situation,

this will get you out of there.

Oh, shit!

The Black-Eye-A thanks you.

The Black Power
movement thanks you,

and I thank you, brother.

Ooh, baby, the
Black-Eye-A don't play.

Any moment now,

the brothers'll be appearing
with Mr. Cornelius.

The actual Don Cornelius?

While you were kung fu fighting,

the CIA called for
some reinforcements...

- No.
- And exposed their safehouse.

- No way.
- That's right.

We were able to
rescue Mr. Cornelius.

Mr. Dirt McGirt.

Ha, Mr. Don Cornelius!
It's a pleasure, brother.

The man had a plan

to slow the train
of our progress,

to hijack soul,

until you put an end
to that bullshit.

See, I knew he cursed
when he wasn't on TV, man.

Talk yo shit, Don.

I owe you one, Mr. McGirt.

It's Dirt, man. You
don't owe me shit.

It was my pleasure.

Well, then, let me
leave you with this.

I don't play ball,
tell jokes, or sing.

I stay true to myself
and do my own thing.

Dang.

Being your own boss
never gets old,

as long as you do it with
peace, love, and soul.

- And soul!
- Now, if you don't mind,

I'd like to go see my family.

They must be terribly
concerned about my wellbeing.

You know what, Don?

I-I just lied back there
so I could come off well.

I need a big favor, Don.

What is it?

Could you, Don Cornelius,

get me back onstage
at the Kitty Kat Club?

- Man, come on.
- How would I do that?

See, people always telling
me how I can't just be me.

I'm just our ancestors' dream.

Shit, I know my comedy
ain't for everybody,

and you one of the most
trusted Black men in America.

Baby, you Don Cornelius!

If you can just explain
that to Airtight Mike,

man, I'm sure that'd
get me unbanned.

I'll be back onstage.
The ladies will be...

I'll do you one better.

I'll emcee your
introduction to the stage.

- Now, how would that be?
- Oh, man.

That will be a beautiful
thing, brother.

My brother.

Just let me go change
my clothes first

before I get out there.

Yeah. I'ma go see you there.

I gotta get there early to
rehearse and everything.

Thank you.

Yeah!

See you down below.
Hey, brother.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Brother, brother.

I wanted to ask you.

Brother, how'd you get Don
Cornelius to be here tonight?

Yo, the people are talking,
and they are flocking, playa.

It's a long story.

I'll tell you right
after this set.

Whoa, nigga. What's happening?

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Only talent
backstage, all right?

Hey, yo, French fry, if
you don't shut the fuck up,

I'ma smother your
ass in ketchup.

Listen, man, he-he don't
got nothing to do with this.

That's-that's-this your money
right here, plus interest.

Lemme see that. Thanks.

Yeah, it's here, and some.

Okay.

The skinny one can go.

Wait a minute.

You remind me of someone.

Have you ever been to Ohio?

Ohio?

Oh, no. No, ma'am.

Look, I'ma let y'all handle
y'all business, all right?

I'ma meet you by the
stage, all right, brother?

Excuse me.

It's all there, man.

I'm telling you.

Mm.

Ha.

Remember what I
said about my time?

Whoa.

Please. I'll sweeten the deal.

I'll make three albums for
you. Just don't kill me.

With that money, you'll
be making profit.

You'll be making profit
before you even start.

I hate this business.

It's not my time.

It's not my time.
It's not my time.

H-Help.

- Help.
- Nigga, you can die fuckin'.

I want to thank
all you cool cats

and foxy ladies here tonight.

I'm your guest emcee,
Mr. Don Cornelius.

Tonight, I'm here to
welcome a new friend,

an all-around rock-solid dude,

and from what I understand,
a crazy comedian.

Word on the grapevine is that
this man is admired by a few

and disliked by many.

Now, let's get to
the bottom of this.

Let's figure it out, people.

Now, to love
Dirt is to see Dirt.

I gotta be in the room

so I can uplift they souls
and spirits, you dig?

I am newly
familiar with Mr. Dirt McGirt,

but I found the brother
to be authentic.

And when I ask
people on both sides

of the matter of Dirt
McGirt, they agreed.

He's authentic.

We are all just our
ancestors' dreams,

and our success represents
those dreams coming true.

Now, I'm sure Mr. Dirt McGirt

has rubbed some people the
right and the wrong way.

A man is who a man is.
That man is himself.

I gather that's why
he calls himself Dirt.

Not filthy, not nasty, but dirt.

Like the Earth. The essence.

Truth.

What is in the dark
must come to the light,

and so I ask tonight
that we listen, we hear,

we open ourselves
to Dirt McGirt.

And as the old saying
goes, God made Dirt, and...

Dirt don't hurt.

Hey. Hey, Dirt.

- What's up, nigga?
- Brother, you good?

- Never better.
- Congratulations.

Get your ass on
that stage, nigga.

He didn't even wait for
the introduction to end.

Give it up for the
old dirty doggy.

The Ol' Dirty Bastard.

Hey.

What's up, boy? What's up?

So yo, you heard
what they're saying

about, uh, Dirty's record?

They're saying it's
like a concert album.

I knew the niche, hardcore
fans would embrace the albums,

but the hip-hop purists
are feeling it too.

Well, they both love it.

Crazy motherfucker took 'em
inside his head.

Yo, he wants you to
really feel it, all right?

- Mm-hmm.
- Like it's big,

but it can be bigger.

Only something that he would do,

so we're talking '70s funk.

Hip-hop, right?
Kung fu. A stage.

You get what I'm saying?

Yeah.

All right.

And action!

♪ Raw ♪

♪ Shimmy, shimmy, ya,
shimmy, yam, shimmy, yay ♪

♪ Gimme the mic so
I can take it away ♪

♪ Off on a natural
charge, bon voyage ♪

♪ Yeah, from the home of
the Dodger Brooklyn squad ♪

♪ Wu-Tang killer
bees on a swarm ♪

♪ Rain on your
college-ass disco dorm ♪

♪ For you to even
touch my skill ♪

♪ You gotta be the
one killer bee ♪

♪ And he aim for the kill now ♪

♪ Jot that down,
pass it all around ♪

♪ Lyrics get hard, quick,
cement to the ground ♪

♪ For any emcee
from any 52 states ♪

♪ I get psycho
killer, Norman Bates ♪

♪ My producer slam,
my flow is like bam ♪

♪ Jump on stage and
then I get down ♪

♪ Ooh, baby, I like it raw,
yeah, baby, I like it raw ♪

♪ Ooh, baby, I like it raw ♪

♪ Yeah, baby, I like it raw ♪

♪ Shimmy, shimmy, ya,
shimmy, yam, shimmy, yay ♪

♪ Gimme the mic so
I can take it away ♪

♪ Off on a natural
charge, bon voyage ♪

♪ Yeah, from the home of
the Dodger Brooklyn squad ♪

♪ Wu-Tang killer
bees on a swarm ♪

Get on the line.

Wu-Tang, Wu-Tang,
Wu-Tang, Wu-Tang!

We're not just
moving forward.

We're moving upward.

That's what I've
been reaching for.

We're the standard-bearers
of hip-hop.

I set y'all all
up in different shops

so we can take over.

If we don't deliver,
these labels

are gonna give our
slots to other artists.

There's things in this life
you have to take seriously.

I take life serious.

Bobby, you control the music.

You cannot control
their personal lives.

We gotta get this album done.

This ain't something that's
just gonna come out of nowhere.

Wu-Tang!

This next album gotta
be revolutionary.

Stop trying
to control everything.

It's only a matter of time

before they start to
resent you for it.

We're 2/3 through
the recording budget.

We still have nothing
to show for it.

They gonna hold money
from us that they owe,

and they gonna sue us
for money we don't have.

You gotta start
laying down tracks.

Take us to number
one in the world.

When we come together,
the music is real.

It's irreplaceable.

Whoo!

Wu-Tang, Wu-Tang!

We gotta win, 'Vine.

Yeah, Abbot.

We gonna win.