Wrecked (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 10 - Cop Tricks - full transcript

- Previously on "Wrecked"...
- Danny, get away from me.

I'm not gonna leave you.
You're my friend.

I am not your friend! We are
just stuck here together!

- Did you eat someone out there?
- I was just trying to survive.

No one can ever know about this.
They'll think you're a monster.

You just can't stand the idea
of me being in charge.

In charge of what? You're
playing make-believe here.

- Steve's gone insane.
- I know.

You have to get me off this island.

- What do I do?
- What about Owen's boat?

- Emma!
- What?



Oh, my God. There she is! Emma!

- I'll be fine! Go back!
- I'm sorry!

- I got to go back for Danny.
- I'm going with you.

Let's go save this island.

Look! They're getting away!

Holy shit!

Oh, my God!

The son of a bitch shot me!

No one else leaves my island!

Do you hear me?!

No one!!

Todd! Todd!

- Step back!
- Todd!

What are you doing?



I'm protecting our new life here!

Don't you see?

This is it!

It's never gonna get better than this!

There's nothing for us out there!

We're home!

Guys!

I heard a commotion!

I wanted to make sure everyone was okay.

Oh, my God, I'm out of breath. Hoo!

Whoo, running in the sand
really got me there.

I'm sorry.

Listen, I know I said
I wasn't gonna come back,

and yet, here's Danny, right?

I am so sorry, everyone.

Oh, Steve has my gun.

Danny.

Really good to see
you, Steve. How are things?

Please don't shoot me.

People of the island,
before us swings a traitor.

Any last words?

Owen was right about you.

You're a monster.

You're a piece of shit!

There are two types
of people in this world...

People who are good, and...

You know what? Forget it. Last-word
privileges revoked.

This is bullshit!

Guys, we don't have to
take this from him.

We can fight back.

Danny's right!

Steve should go in the pit.

Careful, Jess.

You shot Todd.

You shoot someone, you go into the pit.

Those were your rules, Steve.

Grab him!

S-Seriously, guys? No one?

Grab me!

Come on, guys! Oh, come on!

Yeah, okay, real big men

listening to the dick with the gun!

God!

- Get off of me!
- Jess, you're next.

You can't do this, Steve!

Chet, Chet, help me!

Help me, Chet!

I know you can hear me,
you stupid hippie!

You know what? Grab him, too.

- Wait, what? I didn't do anything.
- You're weird.

But... I can't go in the pit, man.

I don't... I don't... I don't

- care anything about her!
- What?!

You want me to throw her

- in the pit for you?
- Chet!

I'll throw her in the pit right

- now, Steve!
- Are you insane?

Grab him.

You're gonna have
to catch me first, man.

Oh! They caught me!

Oh, they caught me so fast!

- Steve!
- Steve!

Please don't throw me into the pit!

Please don't throw me into the pit!

I thought of the actor's name.

It's Billy Zane. It
was Billy Zane, guys.

- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.

Billy goddamn Zane.

Should we meeting out
in the open like this?

I mean, we can't be too
careful these days.

It's fine.

We're all just guarding the pit.

Yeah. Who would even be watching us?

What happened here?

I swear to God, I'm
gonna throttle that ginger.

Oh, God! Oh, my abs.

You guys, I just saw the pit!

He's got like a dozen people down there.

He's lost his goddamn mind.

- Is Danny in there?
- And Jess?

This is so messed up.

So what are we gonna do?

We need to make these people see

the reality of the situation, okay?

This is our home now.

And why would we want
to go back anyway, right?

I mean, Karen, you're
Vice President of the island!

I would die for you, Steve.

That's what I'm talking about!

And, Pack, you certainly can't go back.

You know, 'cause...
Block your ears, Karen.

You ate a guy!

Hey, I know Steve!

Come on, you don't have
to say it out loud!

So what? She can't hear me.

Look, watch this. Karen.

Karen. Karen.

- Karen!
- Karen.

- Karen!
- Karen.

- Huh.
- See?

All I'm saying is if you go back home,

you're gonna be treated like a freak.

- I can't go back.
- Exactly!

Thank you!

Guys, we need to make sure
these people realize the truth.

We're here for good.

We're saved!

There's a ship!

It's a ship!

We're saved!

We're saved!

We're saved!

Did Turdhole just say there's a ship?

Mother of God.

It's a ship.

Oh, God! Oh, God!

Oh, God! It's a ship!

We're saved!

We're saved!

Steve, what should we do?

Sh-Should we get the flare gun?

No. We're not signaling that ship.

What? But... why?

I-It's getting away.

Don't get any ideas.

We're not leaving the island.

What are you talking about?

Turdhole, we're not leaving!

Yes.

Yes, we are.

I have been pushed
around too much on this island.

I'm sick of living in fear.

We have to do what's right, Steve.

We are signaling that sh...

Now, where was I?

Oh, that's right.

We're not leaving the island!

Oh, my God. Did he just kill Turdhole?!

All right. We got to signal the ship.

We got to start a fire.

No, no, no, no! He's lost his damn mind!

If he sees the smoke,
he might kill someone else!

Owen, what do we do?

Pack, go and destroy the flare gun.

Karen and I will wait here

and make sure no one
does anything stupid.

- Pack!
- Ahh!

- The flare gun!
- Yeah.

Shit!

Stop looking at me!

Okay, I'm gonna go after Pack
and get that flare gun.

- You guys help the others.
- All right.

Okay.

It's time to drop the
hammer on these idiots.

Let's do th...

Oh, my God!

Are you okay?

Yeah. I'm... I'm fine.

You're bleeding!

- Ah, it's nothing.
- Look at your love handles.

It's getting crazy infected.

- You mean my ab?
- Oh, my God.

- Uh, no, it's good. It's good.
- Oh, my God.

All right. I got to go save Jess.

No. Todd, stop, okay?

You're gonna get yourself killed.

You got to save Jess, all right?

Promise me.

I promise.

No one deserves to be thrown in a pit.

Damn! Goose bumpers!

- Right?
- Yeah, that sounded hardcore.

- Unh!
- Okay. I'm gonna go.

Roger? Roger?

You got to let us out of here, man.

You're not going anywhere
unless Steve says.

Roger, the boat is right
out there, okay?!

Don't you want to go home on that boat?!

Look at me. Look at my face!

I can't go back to the
real world looking like this.

Come on, man. Your face...
Your face is fine.

It doesn't look like... Like sausage.

Don't push me.

I killed a man outside
Tallahassee. I'll do it again.

Oh, God! Oh, what the shit?

Okay.

We got to get you guys
the hell out of here. Come on!

Hey, Pack.

- Get back!
- Whoa! Hey.

What are you doing here?

Hey, man, the boat is leaving, okay?

Come on. Come on,
don't you want to go home?

Buddy, you can't go back there.

You'll be known as the
guy who ate a dude!

Pack! Pack! Hey. Give me the gun.

I can't. I can't go back!

Oh, my God!

Oh, God! I just got
a whiff of you. Dang.

Okay, now we just need to figure out

how to get the gun back
from that crazy motherfu...

Welcome home, Florence.

You can't shoot all of us!

Everybody, run!

Wait! We're running or not?

Okay!

Well, come on, Karen!

Don't just stand there! Get them!

Shit, shit, shit!

Don't you want to get rescued, huh?

Owen, I've done things...
Unspeakable things.

I'm a monster!

Yeah, you are!

Hey, buddy, listen to me.

Whatever you did, it can't be that bad.

I ate a dude!

Holy sh... wow!

Okay, that's a lot to process.

I got to think about that for a second.

How'd you kill him?

I didn't kill him.

He was already dead.

I was starving.

Okay, well, that's, you know...

It's whatever.

"Whatever"?

Pack, it's gross that you ate someone,

but, um... you're not a monster.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

It's totally normal.

So, people won't think I'm
insane like... like Steve said?

I don't think so.

In fact, I think that people like

when other people do
crazy shit to survive, you know?

I think they'll
probably make a movie about you.

Right?

Like, "127 Hours"...

"Alive," you know?

"The Revenant."

Who would play me?

Really?

Um... Don Cheadle.

I love Don Don Cheadle.

- Yeah.
- He's got so much range.

I know. Give me the gun.

No.

Get out of here.

What are you doing?!

Pack, you can't go home!

And Don Cheadle?

You think the Chead is gonna
waste his talent on you?!

Goodbye, Jerry.

No! No! No!

No! No!

What are you doing, Pack?!

No!

But I would watch you burn
for 100 years if I could.

I hate you, Jerry!

Okay, well, thanks so
much for the, uh, yeah.

No!

I'm gonna get
rescued, and I'm gonna go back!

- No!
- And they're gonna

write a book about me,

and it's gonna be a bestseller.

Someone's gonna
ghostwrite the shit out of that book!

No!

And Don Cheadle's gonna do the
movie 'cause the money's right,

and he's gonna win an Oscar.

If you think Don Cheadle's
gonna play you,

you are living in the house of lies!

You're done!

No!

You're not even a fun ghost!

You suck, you ghost piece of shit.

Ow!!

Why fire?! Why fire?!

Why couldn't you just let me fade away

like "Field of Dreams"?

You sick

I think we lost them.

Che-e-e-e-t.

That's Karen!

Je-e-e-e-ss!

Maybe she's gone.

Oh, God! No!

- The ship's getting farther away!
- Shut up! No one move!

Hey, Steve.

Owen. Owen, you came back!

You bet I did, buddy.

The ship's leaving.
You're too late, Owen.

- Am I?
- He's got the flare gun!

It's over, Steve.

Once I fire this, we're saved.

- Oh, God! Ahh!
- Hey, hey, hey, hey!

You shoot the flare gun,

and I'll blow his giant head off.

Hey, hey! Let's... Let's relax, Steve.

You relax, Steve!

I'm already relaxed!

I'm very relaxed!

I'm on a holiday, goddamn it!

Well, well, well.

Looky what we have here...

The Powerpuff Girl
and her crunchy boy-toy.

It's time to drag you back to camp.

Karen, please don't kill me!

Please, I'm sorry!

Don't kill me!

Do you want me to kill her for you?

I'll kill her right now!

- Jesus, Chet!
- Please!

Karen, why are you doing this?

Why? Respect.

My whole life,
people have laughed at me,

but here... Here...

I'm finally a Vice President... A VP!

Hey, dragon bitch!

You want to dance?

Todd.

Todd! You're alive!

You came back for me!

I'm here to say I'm sorry.

I was a dick.

Really?

Yeah.

Also... this boar-snatching
bee-otch

is about to get a big, old,
fat knuckle sandwich,

courtesy of "Streaks."

Whoo! Finally!

I was beginning to think
this was a dickless island.

Oh, no, honey.

This island's got
some wee-wee, all right.

Yeah!

- Todd, your stomach!
- Six-pack. I'm fine.

Ugh. You look like shit.

So why don't we make
this interesting, huh?

Whoa.

- Wow.
- Holy moly.

A fair fight, mano a mano.

You're not gonna distract me

with your surprisingly supple breasts.

Why don't you take a photo?

It'll last longer!

Put a shirt on, weirdo!

See, that's the problem.

Why is it weird 'cause I'm topless, huh?

The glass ceiling is made
out of bra straps and nylon!

No! It's not!

It's made out of glass.

Yeah, babe!

Whoo!

That one was for meat!

Ow! Ow!

I felt a little twinge in the girls.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

I think that's a lump!

- Huh?
- Is that a lump?

Oh, my God.

Oh, Jesus, I'm so sorry.
I mean, there's a lot...

Oh, my God.

Ahh!!

- That's my dick!
- Oh, no! Not the dick!

That's what's called using
your feminine wiles, you pussy!

- Ohh!
- Ohh!

Son of a bitch!

I'm gonna gut you like your pig!

Get your finger out of my wound!

Ow!

My titties! Ahh!!

- Put it back in!
- Chet, we have to do something!

We can't! I'm a pacifist!

No way.

The pit can't save you now, Todd.

It's just you, me, and the jungle!

Hey, Karen!

No frickin' way.

My driver!

I knew it was out here!

Todd!

You came back for me.

I thought you died.

They can't kill me.

I love you, you little Asian plum.

- I love you.
- Mm.

Put down the flare gun, Owen.

Come on. Do it for your lover.

Owen, it's okay.

Fire it, man.

If he kills me, so be it.

I'll do it!

I've already killed Turdhole today.

Don't make me kill again.

Owen, just shoot it.

No, Danny, I can't just...

Owen, it's okay. Get off the island.

Don't let him hold us hostage.

- "Always shoot your hostage?"
- Always shoot the hostage.

That is the stupidest
thing I've ever heard.

What if you kill the hostage?

Sometimes, you got to role the dice.

Oh!

Ohh! Freeze! You're under arrest!

Yeah!

- Oh, dude, you shot me!
- Yeah.

Oh, you shot... You shot the hostage!

Yeah, like you said.

How'd you know it was gonna work?

I just rolled the dice.

'Cause that's what I said
to you in the jungle!

- It was a callback!
- Aah! It was a great callback!

Oh, thanks, man!

Listen, man, I just want you to know

I was wrong about everything.

Okay? You were right.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

I didn't know how to let you in.

Well, you're here now.

I love you, bro.

- I love you, bro.
- Yeah.

All right, help me get up.

Yeah.

God! Ahh! Oh, that still burns!

Well, you got shot in the leg
with a flare gun. That's gonna hurt.

Guys, I'm sorry!

I stuffed up, okay?

Come on!

Hello!

Hey, we're just a couple of
simple South Asian fishermen.

Are you guys the survivors
of Lotus Airlines Flight 816?

You bet your ass we are!

Oh, wow!

That is great, great news!

We've been looking for
you guys for a few days.

- You have?
- Yes, yes! Well, see...

Well, the truth is we're not actually

- fisherme...
- We're pirates, mother

- Mother mother
- Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What...
What are you doing right now?

- What?
- Are you serious right now?

What... What did we talk
about? How many times do we

have to talk about this rule?

- When you do that...
- Come on!

No, when you go dick swinging,
you invite panic!

- Come...
- Okay... no! You get people all riled up,

and then that's when we make mistakes!

Look, man, I didn't get into the pirate
game to be pussyfooting around!

What are you talking...
What pu-pussyfooting?

Hey!

What is happening right now?

We... Well, uh... Was it not obvious?

We're here to... Oh,
we're here to kidnap you guys.

Well, at least... Well, just one of you.

Which one of you guys is Danny Wallace?

- Danny, Danny Wallace?
- There he is.

I see you, dawg!

Look at that, richest boy in the world

slumming it on some deserted island.

What?

Oh, shit.

You don't know who this is?

His family's worth billions!

Ooh, yeah. Hey, when
your plane went down,

this guy's face was on every
TV screen in the world!

And we gonna hold you
for a fatass ransom!

Whoo!

I am so jazzed! I'm Miles
Davis-ing this mother

All right, I'm bringing
it down just so you know

Danny, seriously,
you need to come with us,

or we're gonna shoot all your friends

- otherwise.
- We're gonna kill everybody.