Would I Lie to You? (2022–…): Season 2, Episode 7 - Episode #2.7 - full transcript
Chrissie Swan, Charlie Pickering and Frank Woodley lead a panel of celeb guests on including Cal Wilson, Dilruk Jayasinha, Georgie Carroll and Jock Zonfrillo.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE)
Hello! I'm Chrissie Swan
and welcome to Would I Lie To You?
The show that weaves a web of truths
and where lies will set you free.
Let's meet the players.
Please welcome team captain
Charlie Pickering.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Alongside Charlie is an
intensive-care nurse
who traded scrubs for stand-up.
It's Georgie Carroll.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
And joining Charlie is a comic
who grew up with a Buddhist dad,
a Muslim mum and Catholic teachers.
You should have seen when
they all walked into a bar.
(LAUGHTER)
It's Dilruk Jayasinha.
Yeah, mate.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Captain of our second team?
Why, it's comedian Frank Woodley.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
On Frank's team tonight -
he's a MasterChef judge -
welcome to Jock Zonfrillo.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
And lastly, welcome the truthfully
talented comedian Cal Wilson.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
So, our teams will take turns
reading stories.
It's up to the opposing team to
determine whether the story is true
or a lie.
Let's get into round one,
Home Truths,
where panellists read out a statement
from the card in front of them.
They've never seen the card before -
they've got no idea
what they'll be faced with.
Charlie, you're up first.
Oh, OK.
"Four of my ex-girlfriends broke up
with me for the exact same reason."
Ooh.
It's a lie - you don't have
four ex-girlfriends.
(LAUGHTER)
Was the reason that you were
just being yourself?
(LAUGHTER)
Brutal!
(LAUGHTER)
What was the reason?
It was because I was
too focused on my work.
(GUFFAWS)
(LAUGHTER)
DILRUK: What a team-mate!
Thanks. Thanks for
backing me up there.
Oh, my god.
If it was a lie, though,
just to make up something
so good about yourself
as a reason to not be with you...
Yeah.
"I was too handsome."
(LAUGHTER)
What were you so focused on?
Um, my work was...comedy, basically.
I was trying to make a career of it.
Oh, definitely not true.
(LAUGHTER)
FRANK: No, I've actually heard...
CHARLIE: Is anyone here
gonna be nice to me?!
(LAUGHTER)
FRANK: Show him a bit of respect.
In certain circles,
Charlie is considered
one of Australia's comedians.
(LAUGHTER)
CAL: Hey, so, how long...
How long were these
relationships, Charlie?
Were they all, like, two weeks,
four months, a year? Like, how...
In the months. Nothing went a year
but they were in the months.
Charlie, after the fourth
attempt at a relationship,
when she said, "We need to talk,"
were you like,
"Oh, god, it's happening again"?
Were you heart-broken?
Yeah, I was like, "I'd love to
but I've got a second show."
(LAUGHTER)
What were their names?
Courtney, Sally, Ange...
Mmm.
Uh, and there was...Cath.
I feel like 'Sally' stands out
as a name that is not your
age-group
for someone that you would date.
Do you want to know something
about Sally?
Was she 60?
(LAUGHTER)
What kind of car did she drive?
Was it a Mustang?
(LAUGHTER)
JOCK: Scottish?
Sorry?
Scottish?
She was not Scottish.
This is an interesting
array of questions. Um...
Latvian?
CHARLIE: She also was not a
basketballer.
FRANK: Was she Latvian?
(LAUGHTER)
Peruvian. Was she Peruvian?
CHARLIE: She was not Peruvian.
Was she from the Dominican Republic?
(LAUGHTER)
She was not.
And I can do this all night.
(LAUGHTER)
I think I know what happened
with her - she saw your act.
(LAUGHTER)
Well, no.
She worked the door on my show
at the Comedy Festival.
So, "Worked the door,"
isn't a euphemism?
(LAUGHTER)
No!
Well, she might have wanted you
to work her door
but you were always out...
(LAUGHTER)
..performing.
JOCK: Wind it back, Chrissie!
CHARLIE: Can I just... Wait.
Wait. Which is...
CHRISSIE: Well...
Which is my camera? There? Yeah.
Yeah. Just come in a bit.
Come in a bit.
Sally, Courtney, I'm so sorry
you've had to witness this.
I'm very sorry about how Chrissie
and Cal have spoken about you
and I'm also sorry for my mistakes.
(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)
Can I have a camera?
(LAUGHTER)
Notice he only apologised
to the first two.
(LAUGHTER)
Cath and... Who was the other one?
Ange. Ange.
Ange.
He's sorry for not being available
to work your door.
(LAUGHTER)
Can I have a camera?
Can I have a camera, please?
Um...come in close,
like I'm Charlie.
(LAUGHTER)
Just come in closer.
Uh, um...Cath, Ange, Sally...
the other one...
(LAUGHTER)
Courtney.
..Courtney - I just want to
apologise, uh,
for you all being imaginary.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
Alright.
I think we know
what side Cal is taking.
True or a lie, you guys?
I'm...I'm feeling like it's...
It's plausible. It's plausible.
But I just don't think it's true.
CHARLIE: Can I just say,
it's just mildly hurtful
that you look at me and go,
"It's plausible someone dated him
"but four - I don't know."
(LAUGHTER)
I'm feeling like it's true.
I think it's a lie.
I think it's a lie.
OK.
Well, I'm gonna go with my team.
We're gonna say it's a lie.
Charlie Pickering,
is that true or a lie?
Well, it is...
.a lie.
(APPLAUSE)
Oh! Thank goodness you're here.
Thank goodness you're here.
It's a lie, of course.
Charlie's exes broke up with him
for all sorts of different reasons!
(LAUGHTER)
Cal, you are next.
I had to take over driving a bus
during and emergency.
Oh! This sounds like 'Speed'.
Charlie's team.
What was the emergency?
It was, um...the bus driver
passed out -
like, started to get faint
and passed out, so...
GEORGIE: As an ex-emergency nurse,
it's still not an emergency
for me, that.
You know, like...
Really?
You need to be sick.
A bus is going down the freeway
and the driver's like this.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah. If that's not an emergency,
what is?
So, you've gotta take over
this bus, right,
but there's a bus driver
in the seat.
So what are we doing -
are we sitting on his lap? Are we...
So, just, kind of, shoved him
and then got in beside him
and kind of, just went for
the brake and the wheel
and tried to avoid, like,
parked cars and stuff.
And I'm a very good panicker.
So I was the wrong person
but I was there,
so I had to deal with it.
What time of day was it?
It was late morning.
What does that mean?
'Cause it's either early morning
or late night.
No, it was, like, before lunchtime,
'cause my show was at 2:00
and so, it was, like...I've...
If you're gonna say it's a lie
because she said the phrase
'late morning'...
(LAUGHTER)
That is flimsy.
That threw me off completely.
You are the weirdest cross-examining
lawyer ever, Dil.
(LAUGHTER)
"No, no, no - it's either
early morning, late at night
"and there are no hours in between."
(LAUGHTER)
"The prosecution rests,
Your Honour."
(LAUGHTER)
How many other passengers
were on there?
Oh, it was probably, like,
10 other passengers.
Where did this take place?
What country?
Um, it was in Edinburgh, when I was
over for the Fringe Festival.
This is just my limitation
but in Edinburgh,
even when you ask, you know,
"Where is this,"
they'll go...
(SPEAKS GUTTURAL GIBBERISH)
(LAUGHTER)
You're like, "I think I'm just gonna
stay on the bus and go for a ride,
"because I don't know."
Was that the Swedish Chef
from The Muppets?
(LAUGHTER)
Next to a Scottish person!
I know that would've...that probably
made your brain go, "Nnnggha-ngah!"
I thought...
Jock was just going, "Dad...?"
(LAUGHTER)
The first time I went to Edinburgh,
I tried to order a Big Mac
in McDonald's
and we were both speaking English -
the guy behind the counter and I
were both speaking English -
and we had no clue what
the other person was saying.
I played golf with
a friend from Edinburgh
and we get up to the green
and he goes,
"D'ye want et een aroot?"
I'm like, "I beg your pardon?"
"D'ye want et een aroot?
D'ye want et een aroot?"
I'm like, "I don't know
what you're saying.
"Could you say it
just a bit slower?"
And he said, "D'ye want...
et een...aroot?"
(LAUGHTER)
It was the flag!
"Do you want it in or out?"
(LAUGHTER)
"D'ye want et een aroot?"
Oh!
(LAUGHTER)
Alright - not thinking about it,
which foot are you pressing?
Which pedal, right or left?
Quick. Quick!
CAL: I can't even remember.
Quick! Panic! Panic!
Get into the panic mode.
I'll be the driver.
I'll be the driver here.
CHARLIE: Just pretend Frank's dead!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Oh! Oh, no, no.
No, no! She went like this!
Was it the wrong...
It should have been that!
There you go!
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, but, Charlie, that's how I drive
in the late morning.
(LAUGHTER)
What's triple-zero in Scottish?
(SPEAKS GUTTURAL GIBBERISH)
I think I just gave myself
a hernia then.
CHARLIE: You just lean out of the
bus and go, "Get an ambulance!"
(LAUGHTER)
"Get a bloody ambulance! Now!"
(APPLAUSE)
Sorry, Charlie.
You're giving me flashbacks.
Do you mind? It's quite upsetting.
How was the driver's condition?
Well, I assume he was fine -
like, he seemed to be OK.
Like, I had to leave, 'cause then
I had to, like, run to do my show.
But it was really...
I was so shaken up.
I mean, you're in a bad
mental state anyway
if you're doing a show at Edinburgh
and it was just...
Particularly if you're doing a show
mid-morning.
(LAUGHTER)
Georgie, you say you've already
made up your mind.
I've got two bits of evidence
that I think make it a lie.
Ooh!
Alright.
Right? One - the bus driver
was on the wrong side.
'Cause in England,
they drive on the other side.
Second bit is, you've got 10 people
on a bus -
one of them's done first aid
and the thing you're not doing
with a faint person
is sitting them up on a step!
As he's coming to?
'Cause you're trying to get
the blood back to the heart,
not further away from the heart,
so I reckon...
Well, ironically, she saved
everybody and then she killed him.
(LAUGHTER)
CHRISSIE: What's your verdict?
I'm gonna need a 'true' or a 'lie'
out of you.
I think it's a lie.
You think it's a lie.
I think it's a lie but...
for not those reasons.
(LAUGHTER)
I've gotta go with my team and say
that is a lie.
OK. Cal Wilson, is that true
or a lie?
I'm so sorry to disappoint you
but that is...
.a lie.
(APPLAUSE)
Get it, dream team!
Yes!
Knew it.
I would have got away with it if
it wasn't for that meddling nurse!
(LAUGHTER)
It is, of course, a lie - Cal
will not be playing Sandra Bullock
in the 'Speed' re-boot.
(LAUGHTER)
Coming up on Would I Lie To You?
No, he's finished the drum.
It could just be there.
What makes Charlie's team implode?
I'm gonna go with
either a truth or a lie.
(LAUGHTER)
Thank you for your service.
I agree or disagree with you.
Oh, god!
Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?
Georgie, the spotlight is on you.
Alright.
Inspired by Live Aid,
I went to Ethiopia
to live in a nunnery.
There's a lot to unpack there.
Frank's team,
where do you want to start?
Live Aid happened in what year?
Oh, I was still in primary school,
'cause I also wrote a song
for Live Aid,
thinking that
I got to keep the money.
I feel like Live Aid was 1984.
I'm just guessing that.
So, '84. I was born in '75, so...
I'm not good at maths -
I'm a wordsmith.
Nine.
Nine.
So, at nine...how did
your parents feel
about you going and living
in a nunnery in Ethiopia,
when you were nine?
I didn't go when I was nine.
Oh, OK.
Oh. Waited till she was 10
and off she went!
(LAUGHTER)
Can I just clarify what Live Aid is,
for those of us who might not know?
So just you, then.
So, um...
(LAUGHTER)
There are people watching at home,
from Sri Lanka,
who don't know what Live Aid is.
Do the people in Sri Lanka...do they
know it's Christmastime at all?
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
I get that reference!
You're gonna love this -
that comes from Live Aid.
Right. Right.
What was your follow-up?
Was it more inclusive - like,
do they know it's Ramadan as well?
Oh, my...
Anyone know when Hannukah is?
If I told you,
you'd get me cancelled
but it came from the heart.
But I was nine
and me and my brother wrote it.
It was called, 'Help Them - They
Need All The Help They Can Get'.
(LAUGHTER)
Which is just atrocious!
Well, it's natural.
But it was a nine-year-old's
sentimentality
and we sang it in an assembly
and we were allowed to and...
JOCK: Give us some of
the other lyrics.
So, please cut it if I'm gonna
get cancelled,
because we went in, really, from...
it was a nine-year-old's brain and
I didn't have a frontal cortex yet.
(LAUGHTER)
(SINGS) # What would you do
if you saw an Ethiopian?
# Would you stop
and give them some food?
# We say yes
Yes, yes, yes
# 'Cause if you didn't
That would be rude... #
(LAUGHTER)
# Help them
# Help them, help them... #
(LAUGHTER)
Sorry, I just need to know... Wait.
(APPLAUSE)
Sorry.
Where do I... where do I donate?
(LAUGHTER)
Where do I donate?
So, what age did you go
to the nunnery? How old were you?
Uh, 18, I reckon.
And how long were you there?
I was scheduled to be there
for six months but I...
got kicked out of the nunnery
after just three.
I got a hickey.
Oh!
Ooh!
Oh, wow.
Wow.
How did you get the hickey?
Pashing.
From the nuns or the Ethiopians?
(LAUGHTER)
No - but there was a pregnant nun.
Work that one out.
(LAUGHTER)
Um, yeah.
So, um...so, yeah,
it was one of those, uh...
aid missions that probably
doesn't do any good.
I, with this beautiful accent,
was sent to help the country
by speaking English.
To who?
The Ethiopians.
(LAUGHTER)
JOCK: At 19?
I know! And... But what
they really wanted...
Because English wasn't the problem.
It's like, they wanted to know
how to run schools
and I'd never worked in a school -
I left school early.
I was not a help.
I was probably a drain.
And...I also...
The nuns came in one day and said,
um, "OK. Just be careful.
"Tomorrow we're going into the city
but there's gonna be a coup."
And I was like...
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, I know!
..like, "What do we wear?
Will there be food?"
(LAUGHTER)
Were the nuns trying
to overthrow the regime?
(LAUGHTER)
'Cause in my experience,
coups happen...
by surprise.
But the nuns are like...
No, I think they've got their ear
to the ground, the nuns.
.."Don't tell anyone."
(LAUGHTER)
What was the name of the place
where you were,
the actual geographical location
in Ethiopia?
Nuns R Us.
(LAUGHTER)
'Nun' of your business.
What was the name of the specific,
you know...
The convent.
The convent.
Oh, I wouldn't...
I'm not a details person.
But...
How convenient.
(LAUGHTER)
I think it was Our Lady
of the Slightly Loose Morals.
(LAUGHTER)
Truth or a lie?
I think it's true.
Like, I think we're gonna...
Let's go with that.
Unless you're feeling lie.
No. Let's go...
If you think lie, lie, then
definitely...
My initial though is it's true.
So we're gonna say true.
CHRISSIE: We're going with true.
Georgie, is that true or a lie?
Uh, that is...
the truth.
(APPLAUSE)
Glad we listened to you, Frank.
(APPLAUSE)
Georgie's charity ended
when the only thing she could
give away was her neck for hickeys.
(LAUGHTER)
Jock, over to you.
I harass supermarket shoppers
who I see make bad choices.
(LAUGHTER)
Ooh!
Give us an example of a bad choice.
Pineapples.
Next time you're at a supermarket,
just have a look at people
and pineapples.
They go up, they pick up
one pineapple,
they smell it, they poke around it,
then they put it down
and they pick up another -
they don't know
which pineapple's ripe.
I just sit back and watch them
go through all of that bullshit
and then I go to them
and tap them on the shoulder
and go, "That pineapple's not ripe."
And then they look at me and they go,
"Oh, fuck, it's that guy
from MasterChef,"
and they fucking scurry off with
the pineapple and change it.
It's funny.
Has the harassment ever,
you know, had any backlash?
Has it had unfortunate consequences?
There's been a couple of people
who've answered back,
which, you know, like, as comics,
you probably...you're expecting that.
As a chef, I don't expect some
kind of answer back from somebody.
One person said to me, "Well,
how do I tell if it's ripe?"
And so how do you tell if it's ripe?
This is true - what you need to do...
DILRUK: Oh, so the rest of it is not?
(LAUGHTER)
Right. Interesting.
As is everything else said
up to this point.
If you get a pineapple, right,
and you shake it,
if it's ripe -
because as pineapples get riper,
they get juicier -
and if you shake it, you can actually
hear the liquid inside the pineapple.
Yes, chef!
Well, I'm learning things here.
I didn't know you could get
pineapple outside of a tin!
(LAUGHTER)
Do you sometimes just, like,
linger around the avocados,
like, knowing that
there's gonna be...
100%.
..there's gonna be a car-crash.
It's almost like a sport.
So, do you drive to the supermarket
with this on your mind,
or are you already
at the supermarket?
Like, are you home, going,
"I've got half an hour to kill.
"I'm gonna go and harass
some strangers."
(LAUGHTER)
First of all, I've got a driver.
Um...
(LAUGHTER)
I think Matt Preston will be upset
with you referring to him
in that way.
(LAUGHTER)
He needed work. I thought
it was a fair offer.
I identify with this, because I do
this in skinny-girl shops as well.
Like, when people pick out clothes,
I go, "WRONG!"
(LAUGHTER)
"Put it back!"
Alright. Is this true?
Is he harassing people
at the supermarket?
I think he's done it
but he's not harassing.
DILRUK: The phrase 'harassment'
is the one that started off
and it felt very gentle.
What do you think, Charlie's team?
True or a lie?
Um...
I feel lie...I'm vibing lie but...
OK, so, Dilruk, you're vibing a lie.
Vibing a lie.
Georgie, what you vibing?
I'm vibing he does it but
not to harassment points. Yeah.
I think it's the truth.
So it's up to you, Charlie.
I am going to go...
with lie.
Alright.
No!
(LAUGHTER)
That was a lie!
It is a tricky one.
I'm gonna go with true.
Yep. It's... OK. It's true.
We're locking in true.
Jock Zonfrillo, is that true
or is that a lie?
For all the supermarket shoppers
out there,
I apologise -
that is...
it's a lie.
(APPLAUSE)
It's a lie.
(APPLAUSE)
Sorry, Dilruk.
But you want to, don't you?
You want to! You want to.
The pineapple thing's real.
I get people to shake it and if
anyone believed that,
you're all stupid.
(LAUGHTER)
Jock does not have a crack at
customers for their shopping choices
but I think we did just invent
a new reality show -
Judge Jock.
(LAUGHTER)
Stick around for more
Would I Lie To You?
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Welcome back.
Our next round is called
This Is My...,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
This week, each of Charlie's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest.
It's up to Frank's team to spot
who's telling the truth.
So please put your hands together for
this week's special guest, Halley.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
So, Dilruk, how are you
connected to Halley.
This is Halley and she and I run
a successful e-commerce business.
(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)
Georgie, how do you know Halley?
Um, this is Halley
and Halley watched and said nothing
as I ate dog food,
believing it to be tapas.
(LAUGHTER)
Charlie, who is Halley to you?
Uh, this is Halley and she is
my least-favourite niece.
Ooh!
AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Ooh!
Brutal! So, there we have it.
Frank's team, is Halley
Dilruk's business buddy,
Georgie's Scooby-snack spectator
or Charlie's third-rate relative?
I feel there's...I feel like
there's no reason
why she can't be all three.
(LAUGHTER)
I couldn't agree more.
Let's start with Dilruk.
What are your questions for him?
What's the e-commerce business
that you run with Halley?
It's, um, little...well,
non-precious jewellery.
So, little, like, friendship bands
and things like...
It started off as friendship bands.
Mmm, shit.
(LAUGHTER)
Sorry. Sorry.
I'm trying to get a plug in. Please.
Sorry.
So they're not real stones -
it's, like, theatrical stones
that are, kind of, made of glass...
No, they're real stones -
they're just not precious.
Oh, OK.
JOCK: What's the website called?
It's not a website -
it's the Instagram account.
And what's the Instagram account?
PreciousToMe.
(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)
OK. Now I'm sorry.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah. Exactly.
How come you don't have any on?
DILRUK: 'Cause it's not
something that I genuine...
usually want to connect
with my comedy stuff.
When the pandemic happened,
I realised being a comedian
is very...disposable,
so I wanted to learn about
selling stuff on the internet
and when I met Halley,
I saw what she was doing
and she was selling it
to her friends -
I'm like, "Oh, that's really fun.
"Maybe this is my way of taking..."
'Cause she had no interest
in going, you know, online
and things like that.
I'm like, "Can I take over
that side of the business
"and be a silent operator
in the background?"
What is your relationship
with Halley?
How did you meet?
Well, she is my girlfriend's niece.
So, Dilruk, you and I
are quite good friends.
Mm-hm.
How come you've never given me any?
Because I feel like
our friendship is waning.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Well, it is now!
CHRISSIE: Let's move on.
Georgie, just remind us -
who is Halley to you?
Uh, this is Halley.
Halley, uh, watched and said nothing
as I ate dog food,
believing it to be tapas.
OK. So, where...
Was it on the floor?
Was it on a counter? Where...?
Like, a kitchen benchtop.
So...
In a dog bowl? Or...
In eight dog bowls.
Eight dog bowls?
How many dogs lived in the house?
Oh, so did they look like
tapas dishes?
Little silver... I don't have a dog.
I don't ever love anything
enough to pick up its poo.
I don't need a dog. And so...
But my friend, who is Halley's...
Halley? ..Halley's mother...
..is a dog-sitter
and she has, like,
eight dogs at once...
What did it look like?
And I'm having a little bit
of wine, you know,
and so I got a bit
of the nibbles on...
What are you dipping in it?
What did it look like?
No, I... There was a spoon...
Schmackos.
She's dipping Schmackos in and...
After you ate it, did you
drag your bum along the carpet?
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
What's Halley's mum called?
GEORGIE: Halley's mum...
(LAUGHTER)
..is called Nicky.
And what's Halley's mum's
partner called?
Paul...
Is his name.
(LAUGHTER)
Eventually, uh, Georgie,
did she interrupt your
eight-course dog-ustation?
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Eventually, she did
and has brought it up every time
I've seen her since.
Alright, Charlie. Remind us
who Halley is to you.
Uh, this is Halley and she is
my least-favourite niece.
(GASPS) Brutal!
I have two nieces but she's...
She's my least-favourite niece
on a list.
What do you mean?
So, her sister is Sarah, right?
So my favourite niece, Sarah.
Then the city of Nice,
which is lovely.
(LAUGHTER)
Then Nice biscuits,
which are thoroughly under-rated.
(LAUGHTER)
Couldn't agree more.
And then Halley,
my least-favourite niece.
Wow.
Why is she your
least-favourite niece?
Well, when she was born,
I gave her a teddy bear
with an Essendon
football jumper on it.
When she was about four or five,
at school, she swapped it
with a friend of hers,
who had a Hawthorn bear...
Oh!
Ooh!
..and she now goes for Hawthorn.
DILRUK: Good on you, girl.
Yeah, go the Hawkers!
This is all making sense.
Yeah, 'cause this can definitely
tear families apart.
Absolutely, it can.
So when you say, what did she do,
I say, she knows what she did.
(LAUGHTER)
Alright. We're gonna need an answer,
Frank's team.
Is Halley Dilruk's business buddy,
Georgie's Scooby-snack spectator
or Charlie's third-rate relative?
I really want it to be
Georgie eating dog food.
(LAUGHTER)
CHARLIE: I think we all want it
to be Georgie eating dog food.
But Dilruk's answer
is just so out-there.
Yeah. I'm...
What are you thinking, Jock?
Yeah, I'm thinking...
I'm thinking Dilruk or Charlie.
I'm thinking Dilruk.
I mean, Charlie, you're gonna
look so bad if this is true.
(LAUGHTER)
Like, it doesn't matter
how you cut it. Like, it's...
Um, with all due respect, get your
nose out of my family's business.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm erring towards Dilruk.
CHRISSIE: OK. Why?
Because...it enchanted me.
Mmm.
As a story. I loved the story.
It's like they're an odd couple,
in a sense -
they're coming together
but they've got a shared goal.
Yep.
Is it alright if we go with Dilruk?
I think we've got double with Dilruk.
Let's go do it.
We've got a...double Dilruk.
Yeah, Dilruk.
Lock in Dilruk. Alright, Halley.
Please put us out of our misery.
Reveal your true identity.
I'm Halley.
I watched and said nothing
as Georgie ate dog food.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Yeah!
Yes, it's true. How wonderful!
And ever since then, you've been
wacko for Schmackos!
(LAUGHTER)
Everybody, big round of applause
for the gorgeous Halley.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Well done, sweetheart.
How gorgeous.
We will be back in a flash.
Someone get her
a silver bowl, please.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?
Alright, Frank.
It's your turn for a home truth.
I based one of the villains
in my children's book
on a teacher I hated.
Ooh.
What was the name
of your children's book?
It's called Kismet And The...
..um...I wrote it quite a while ago.
(LAUGHTER)
Kismet And The...
..Tasmanian Tiger.
And there were a few
in the series, so you...
There were three in the series.
Yep.
The first one was
Kismet And The Curse Of The...
Tasmanian Tiger, I think.
CAL: And when you say
you wrote it a long time ago,
was that before they were extinct?
(LAUGHTER)
That's why it was hard for me
to remember. It's going back...
It's all based on a little, um,
detective girl called Kismet
and her dad, he's the real detective
and she travels with him
but she's the brains of the outfit.
Yeah, right.
What was the villain called?
The villain was called Mr Panorkle.
What did the real-life
Mr Panorkle do to you
that made you hate them so much?
He touched me very deeply...
Oh, god!
(LAUGHTER)
No, initially,
he touched me very deeply
with his storytelling,
then his poetry,
so I really loved him but he did
this thing in front of the class,
where one time he told...
he told a story about
being reincarnated
as a...uh, and he'd been a wolf.
And he just had the whole class
all standing around
and he said,
"And I was killed by a pitchfork,
"so if you look
at the back of my head,
"you'll see the prong-marks
from my previous life.
"Frank, why don't you come
and have a look at the prongs?"
So I could do it with Jock -
I'd say, "Jock, come and have
a look at the prongs here."
What was his name? Mr...
Um...
Mr Panorkle.
The character was called
Mr Panorkle
but Mr Peterson did a thing
where he went, "Frank, come
"and you'll see I actually
do have two little dents here."
(SNARLS)
Oh, Jesus!
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
And he did that...
It's not very nice, is it?
..and I started to cry -
'cause this was in,
I think, grade 5 -
I started to cry and he just went,
"Oh, come on, you little baby!
It's just a bit of fun."
CHRISSIE: Oh!
And I just never...
I never forgave him.
He blew it. He blew your trust.
"Just a bit of fun."
It was horrible.
I was wondering
if you could remember
any of Mr Peterson's poetry.
I can remember one of them.
Oh, you want me to tell you it?
I would love to hear some
of Mr Peterson's poems.
There was one that went, um...
"There once was
a man called Panorkle..."
(LAUGHTER)
"..Who breathed through his wang
like a snorkel."
(LAUGHTER)
That's the poem he said, um,
which is rude.
No, he said a very short poem.
He said, "This one is about ant..."
Um, no. "..about fleas.
"Adam had-em."
(LAUGHTER)
Did you base any other characters
from real life in your other books?
This is...
I don't like the look on your faces,
'cause this is my real book!
(LAUGHTER)
You're making me feel like
I didn't do it very well.
CHARLIE: So which part is the lie?
None of it's a lie! That's the...
I based the story...
Mr...the character Mr Panorkle
on my...on my teacher,
who was mean to me.
Was there any kind of backlash
from when Mr Peterson
realised he's Mr Panorkle?
Look, I'm not sure if
he would have recognised himself.
Um, I did...physically,
I made him exactly the same, um...
With three dots
on the back of his neck?
(LAUGHTER)
Um, no - I said, like,
tall, thin man with a nose
and a mouth and ears and eyes
and eyebrows and hair.
Oh, my god - it's you!
You're Mr Panorkle!
FRANK: Yeah, so...I don't...
I've never...I haven't
heard from him since.
How old was he? Like, was he an
old man when he was your teacher?
Or, like...
Well, 'cause I was only in...
um, you know, primary school,
so he felt like a really old man,
so he was probably 32,
or something like that.
Mmm. Yeah.
We've gotta put him
out of his misery.
What do you think - true or a lie?
DILRUK: Oh, it feels true.
It feels like a Frank Woodley thing
to be crying as a kid and then...
(LAUGHTER)
..hanging on to that...
Yeah, like a real baby!
(LAUGHTER)
And you guys don't support...support
me and this is my real...
Yeah, I think he's still...
I think he's trying to throw us off
with the fake poetry thing
but the rest of it, I think...
I've met you a few times - I think
you're a resilient person,
so a teacher going, "Raaaar!"
would...
I mean, I've done horrible things
to my kids and they're fine.
(LAUGHTER)
Did the other children mock you
for crying as well?
Were they, like...how...
I remember everybody laughing when
he said, "Come on, you big baby!"
You know, just don't worry about it
and everybody laughed and I was...
I was crying and it was just...
It's, like, seared into my memory
like it happened yesterday.
And now you make a living from
having people laugh at you...
..while someone else is mean to you.
You've essentially written
Colin Lane into a...
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Alright, Charlie's team.
What'll it be?
Alright.
I'm going it's a lie,
because I think a werewolf
is too normal for your brain.
You know, like, I think you'd have
come up with a better monster.
It was a were-Tasmanian tiger!
Oh, OK. Maybe... OK, then. Truth.
(LAUGHTER)
That was easy.
We've got a true, we've got a true...
Yeah, I think it's true as well.
I think that is a true story,
Frank Woodley.
We're locking in true.
Frank Woodley, is that true or a lie?
It's actually a lie.
Oh!
(APPLAUSE)
CHARLIE: Oh!
I hate that you tricked us
into having compassion
for you as a child.
Yes! Was the teacher real? I feel...
I've never been to school.
(LAUGHTER)
CHRISSIE: The whole thing was a lie!
Time for a break. More truths
and lies on Would I Lie To You? next.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
in the hilarious new season
of Would I Lie To You?
With full episodes on 10Play.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
It's time now to ramp up the pace
and play Quick-Fire Lies.
These guests have no idea
what they're about to read
on the card in front of them.
It could be a true tale
from their life
or a tall tale we just made up.
Georgie, you're up first.
The family of an elderly woman
I met in hospital
started legal action against me
after I was included in her will.
Ooh.
Where are you starting, Frank's team?
We do know that you were
a nurse for a long time.
Two decades.
Two decades. So...
And a nun.
(LAUGHTER)
What did you get left in the will?
Well, I don't know,
because that happens at the end
of the legal proceedings -
like, they don't tell you what
you've won and then start arguing.
DILRUK: What you've won?
What you've won?
It's not a raffle!
"What you've won"!
She reported to me that it was
a building, before she passed.
But I don't know if it was.
Tell... Who's this old lady?
So, it was, um, one of our...
she'd, like, lived in hospital
for a long time.
I don't really know much about her
but she told me she was
leaving me a building
and, um, I Facebook Live-d it, yeah.
It was more...so, it was to do with
the social media policy
rather than the, um...
The inheritance.
The inheritance.
Did you go, "OMG, Maudie's
leaving me a building.
"Can't wait till she goes."
But I mean, I reckon
there's a loophole -
if I'd have just said we were
mates before she got sick,
I reckon I could have
got the building.
But I didn't say it
in the Facebook Live.
What do you mean, Facebook Live?
You Facebook Live-d it?
You went straight on Facebook
and went, "I'm getting
a building, everyone!"
"I'm here at hospital,
"I've just emptied a bed pan,
I'm getting a building."
Yeah. But you've seen people
on Facebook Live.
They just witter on - it wasn't
the subject of the whole thing.
I was like, um, "Oh, you lot
just get chocolates -
"I got a building today!"
You know, like, um...um...
Stop. You did... Come on!
(LAUGHTER)
So, then...then what happened?
So, who saw...
You went onto Facebook Live
and you told the world and then...
Yeah and then what happens is
you get pulled into an office
by a boss you've never met.
You think you're probably
getting a pay rise or something
and then they bollock you
for Facebook Live-ing your mate
giving you a building in her will.
But what did you do wrong?
She's giving you the building.
The Facebook Live-ing!
You're allowed to tell people
you're getting a building!
If you stop talking,
I'll give you a building!
(LAUGHTER)
'Cause I don't understand
what's happening.
You can't accept gifts -
and I haven't accepted it yet
but on there, on the Facebook Live,
I was sort of going on
about this building...
Oh, right - so you saying
you were gonna get a building
was a breach of ethical standards
'cause you're not meant
to get gifts from patients.
Yes.
So they initiated proceedings
to stop that...
Yes.
..and so therefore you never got
the building in the end anyway.
Yeah.
It's so simple, guys!
(LAUGHTER)
Alright.
Do you want to ask any more questions
to clarify the mess of this,
or are you ready
to lock something in?
JOCK. I'm ready.
I think it's true.
What?!
(LAUGHTER)
CHRISSIE: Jock is furious
about the whole thing!
Oh, my god - it's the first time
I've seen his worry beads out.
You've really rattled him.
(LAUGHTER)
I think it's true
because it's so preposterous
that I feel that it's something
Georgie would have done.
I think it's true.
I think it's true.
But also, I have to admit,
partially from the enjoyment
of watching Jock just
internally melt down.
(LAUGHTER)
Well, Jock's a definite lie,
so you're in trouble.
Look, we're gonna say
that it's true.
AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Ooh!
Wow. OK.
Georgie Carroll, is this true
or is it a lie?
That is an absolute lie!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
I knew it!
Of course!
Of course it was a lie!
It's a lie, of course.
Georgie was not added to the will.
May your imaginary patient, though,
rest in imaginary peace.
Oh, yeah.
JOCK: Yeah. Oh, so sad.
Dilruk, it's your turn.
I confronted my muggers about
how much stuff they were taking.
(LAUGHTER)
Frank's team.
Where do you want to start?
Where were you
and when did this mugging occur?
This was in, uh...
back when I was at uni,
uh, here in Australia.
I was on the phone to...to my brother
and, um, group of six people came up
and said, "Oh,
can I have a cigarette?"
But that's when things turned
and they sort of covered me
and were like,
"Alright - give us your F'ing phone."
And so I had to, like, hang up
and give the phone...
Did you not think of going,
"Yes, that's right,
Police Commissioner Gordon"?
(LAUGHTER)
FRANK: So...initially
they took a cigarette
and you were like, "Oh, this is
a pretty low...low-fi mugging."
But then they took your F'ing phone.
Yeah.
Can I also just point out,
there's no F in 'phone'.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
So, did they take
anything else, Dilruk?
I mean, or was it just the phone?
Otherwise, where was the problem
about how much they were taking?
Well, yeah, so, it started
with the phone, of course,
and so they took it and, um,
I said to them, "OK,
I'll give you the phone.
"I don't want any trouble.
"But can I get my SIM card back?"
What? You were getting mugged and
you asked for the SIM card back?
DILRUK: Yeah.
JOCK: Come on.
The ringleader was like, "No,"
and then the other guy said,
"No, it's alright -
I'll get it out for him,"
and my first thought was, "Awww!"
(LAUGHTER)
What a good man!
DILRUK: What a sweetheart!
So, how many people were there
mugging you
and what were they mugging you with?
So, at the time,
it was just aggression,
so I didn't, you know, push back.
Like, it was...you know,
I'm not a fighter.
I'm a lover.
(LAUGHTER)
Not at the time, actually, no.
(LAUGHTER)
No, my virginity grew back that year.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm very surprised
it didn't make the news,
'cause it's a big robbery, this -
there's, like...they're splitting
one Nokia phone between six people.
(LAUGHTER)
So, once I got the SIM card, they
started taking other stuff off me,
like my wallet
and then they took my laptop bag
and then I was like,
"Oh, can I, um...
"keep that, because I've got
all my uni assignments
"and my, you know, photos,"
and that's when one of them said,
"Oh, you think this is
a fucking joke?"
And, like, held, like,
a sharp thing at my stomach
and I was like, "Nah, fuck,
just take everything."
And then did he get, like,
a really good mark at uni?
(LAUGHTER)
That must have been
a terrifying moment.
Oh, at that point,
it was still adrenaline,
so I was fine but, like...
So, then, the wallet, actually,
was another weird moment,
where they, um...so I asked for
the bank card and ID card back,
so they gave me back the ID card
and they all started walking away.
I said, "Oh, what about
my bank card?"
One of the guys at the back
of the gang goes,
"What the fuck? Are we mugging him
or is he mugging us?"
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
They sound like fun. I'm thinking
of joining their gang.
CHRISSIE: Yes! Alright, Frank's team.
What do you think - true or a lie?
What do you think, Jock?
It's plausible.
He is a lover, not a fighter.
I think it might be true.
I can attest to that.
He's a very exuberant lover.
(LAUGHTER)
Um, I think it's true.
OK.
Feels like we're going with true.
I think we believe that it's true.
Alright, Dilruk.
Is this story true, or a lie?
This story is...
true.
CHRISSIE: Ooh!
(APPLAUSE)
It is true!
Dilruk successfully negotiated
with his muggers.
(LAUGHTER)
Stick around for more
Would I Lie To You.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Alright. Next round.
It's called Could It Be?
And our teams are given
a general statement
that has nothing to do with them
but they must decide
whether it's lies or legit.
Charlie's team, your statement is,
the Australian Chamber Orchestra
has a designated triangle player.
Surely you don't need a whole
separate person to do the 'ding'.
There's never that much 'ding'.
You just give it to the drummer.
Unless they're serving dinner
after they've done a show.
There's not that much 'ding'.
Well, there's...
So surely, it could be you
there on the drums...
CAL: The timpani.
"Do the 'ding' at the end of this."
"Yeah, no worries. I've got it."
But who's doing the drums when
he's running off to 'ding'?
No, he's finished the drum...
Well, it could just be there.
What if you want to drum and 'ding'?
'Ding' and then... (IMITATES DRUMS)
(IMITATES DRUMS) Like, it's... Nah.
It's tough for the drummer.
(LAUGHTER)
But this is all percussion!
If you're hitting something,
it's percussion.
You might be right.
(LAUGHTER)
The cymbals guy is one person.
Or woman.
(ALL SPEAK AT ONCE)
I've seen someone 'rup-bup-bup'
on a timpani
and then just pick up the big ones
and go, 'bosh'.
Did you say someone
'rubber-butt' on a timpani?
'Rrrup-bup-bup-bup-ba, bosh'.
'Bosh'.
OK.
Oh, I'm learning so much today.
What is a 'timpani'?
It's a drum.
(LAUGHTER)
So many words!
It's a type of cat.
I've never seen Chrissie Swan
frown so much.
Just then, while we were drum...
She's like, "What have I chosen?"
What is a timpani
and why do we need them?
I mean, with all due respect,
I'm not sure you're the most useful
team-mates in this situation.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
Um, I think that maybe
the key word there
is 'designated' triangle player.
Yep.
It feels like a waste of resources.
That's exactly right.
If there's just one person
just sitting there going,
"Am I on now? OK. Here we go." Ding!
"Oh, fuck. Here we go again." Ding!
(LAUGHTER)
You know what I mean? It...
I also feel it's, uh, a lie...
Or if it's true, then it's pointless
and if you are
the triangle player...
Yeah, I'm sure you have
all the skills...
(LAUGHTER)
..so I'm gonna go with
either a truth or a lie.
(LAUGHTER)
You know what?
I thank you for your service.
I think I...I agree or disagree
with Georgie.
Oh, god.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Well...
..ignoring both my team-mates,
I think,
on quite reasonable grounds,
I will say that whilst playing
a triangle happens in an orchestra,
I think a chamber orchestra
is smaller
and I think surely a percussionist
can also do the triangle.
I think it is a lie.
It's a lie, then?
Oh, yeah.
I'm saying that... Ignore them.
(LAUGHTER)
Just cut them out.
I'm very sorry for the distraction
that they provided.
It is, in fact...
a lie.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
We did it!
DILRUK: Well done.
Georgie and I did it!
Well done, Georgie!
Have you ever seen a less-justified
high-five in your life?
(LAUGHTER)
The person who plays the triangle
and other instruments
is a utility percussionist,
so you are spot-on, there, Charlie.
(BUZZ!)
Oh!
That noise signals that time is up!
Ooh!
Was it this - 'ding'?
(LAUGHTER)
It was - we've got a person
who waits here the whole show,
just to go...'bing'!
But I can reveal that
tonight's winner is...
Frank's team.
CHARLIE: Oh! How could it be?
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
No!
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Congratulations. Well, that's it
from Would I Lie To You.
Thank you so much for watching
and remember -
speak truth from your heart
and lies through your teeth.
Goodnight.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Captions by Red Bee Media
Hello! I'm Chrissie Swan
and welcome to Would I Lie To You?
The show that weaves a web of truths
and where lies will set you free.
Let's meet the players.
Please welcome team captain
Charlie Pickering.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Alongside Charlie is an
intensive-care nurse
who traded scrubs for stand-up.
It's Georgie Carroll.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
And joining Charlie is a comic
who grew up with a Buddhist dad,
a Muslim mum and Catholic teachers.
You should have seen when
they all walked into a bar.
(LAUGHTER)
It's Dilruk Jayasinha.
Yeah, mate.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Captain of our second team?
Why, it's comedian Frank Woodley.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
On Frank's team tonight -
he's a MasterChef judge -
welcome to Jock Zonfrillo.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
And lastly, welcome the truthfully
talented comedian Cal Wilson.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
So, our teams will take turns
reading stories.
It's up to the opposing team to
determine whether the story is true
or a lie.
Let's get into round one,
Home Truths,
where panellists read out a statement
from the card in front of them.
They've never seen the card before -
they've got no idea
what they'll be faced with.
Charlie, you're up first.
Oh, OK.
"Four of my ex-girlfriends broke up
with me for the exact same reason."
Ooh.
It's a lie - you don't have
four ex-girlfriends.
(LAUGHTER)
Was the reason that you were
just being yourself?
(LAUGHTER)
Brutal!
(LAUGHTER)
What was the reason?
It was because I was
too focused on my work.
(GUFFAWS)
(LAUGHTER)
DILRUK: What a team-mate!
Thanks. Thanks for
backing me up there.
Oh, my god.
If it was a lie, though,
just to make up something
so good about yourself
as a reason to not be with you...
Yeah.
"I was too handsome."
(LAUGHTER)
What were you so focused on?
Um, my work was...comedy, basically.
I was trying to make a career of it.
Oh, definitely not true.
(LAUGHTER)
FRANK: No, I've actually heard...
CHARLIE: Is anyone here
gonna be nice to me?!
(LAUGHTER)
FRANK: Show him a bit of respect.
In certain circles,
Charlie is considered
one of Australia's comedians.
(LAUGHTER)
CAL: Hey, so, how long...
How long were these
relationships, Charlie?
Were they all, like, two weeks,
four months, a year? Like, how...
In the months. Nothing went a year
but they were in the months.
Charlie, after the fourth
attempt at a relationship,
when she said, "We need to talk,"
were you like,
"Oh, god, it's happening again"?
Were you heart-broken?
Yeah, I was like, "I'd love to
but I've got a second show."
(LAUGHTER)
What were their names?
Courtney, Sally, Ange...
Mmm.
Uh, and there was...Cath.
I feel like 'Sally' stands out
as a name that is not your
age-group
for someone that you would date.
Do you want to know something
about Sally?
Was she 60?
(LAUGHTER)
What kind of car did she drive?
Was it a Mustang?
(LAUGHTER)
JOCK: Scottish?
Sorry?
Scottish?
She was not Scottish.
This is an interesting
array of questions. Um...
Latvian?
CHARLIE: She also was not a
basketballer.
FRANK: Was she Latvian?
(LAUGHTER)
Peruvian. Was she Peruvian?
CHARLIE: She was not Peruvian.
Was she from the Dominican Republic?
(LAUGHTER)
She was not.
And I can do this all night.
(LAUGHTER)
I think I know what happened
with her - she saw your act.
(LAUGHTER)
Well, no.
She worked the door on my show
at the Comedy Festival.
So, "Worked the door,"
isn't a euphemism?
(LAUGHTER)
No!
Well, she might have wanted you
to work her door
but you were always out...
(LAUGHTER)
..performing.
JOCK: Wind it back, Chrissie!
CHARLIE: Can I just... Wait.
Wait. Which is...
CHRISSIE: Well...
Which is my camera? There? Yeah.
Yeah. Just come in a bit.
Come in a bit.
Sally, Courtney, I'm so sorry
you've had to witness this.
I'm very sorry about how Chrissie
and Cal have spoken about you
and I'm also sorry for my mistakes.
(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)
Can I have a camera?
(LAUGHTER)
Notice he only apologised
to the first two.
(LAUGHTER)
Cath and... Who was the other one?
Ange. Ange.
Ange.
He's sorry for not being available
to work your door.
(LAUGHTER)
Can I have a camera?
Can I have a camera, please?
Um...come in close,
like I'm Charlie.
(LAUGHTER)
Just come in closer.
Uh, um...Cath, Ange, Sally...
the other one...
(LAUGHTER)
Courtney.
..Courtney - I just want to
apologise, uh,
for you all being imaginary.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
Alright.
I think we know
what side Cal is taking.
True or a lie, you guys?
I'm...I'm feeling like it's...
It's plausible. It's plausible.
But I just don't think it's true.
CHARLIE: Can I just say,
it's just mildly hurtful
that you look at me and go,
"It's plausible someone dated him
"but four - I don't know."
(LAUGHTER)
I'm feeling like it's true.
I think it's a lie.
I think it's a lie.
OK.
Well, I'm gonna go with my team.
We're gonna say it's a lie.
Charlie Pickering,
is that true or a lie?
Well, it is...
.a lie.
(APPLAUSE)
Oh! Thank goodness you're here.
Thank goodness you're here.
It's a lie, of course.
Charlie's exes broke up with him
for all sorts of different reasons!
(LAUGHTER)
Cal, you are next.
I had to take over driving a bus
during and emergency.
Oh! This sounds like 'Speed'.
Charlie's team.
What was the emergency?
It was, um...the bus driver
passed out -
like, started to get faint
and passed out, so...
GEORGIE: As an ex-emergency nurse,
it's still not an emergency
for me, that.
You know, like...
Really?
You need to be sick.
A bus is going down the freeway
and the driver's like this.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah. If that's not an emergency,
what is?
So, you've gotta take over
this bus, right,
but there's a bus driver
in the seat.
So what are we doing -
are we sitting on his lap? Are we...
So, just, kind of, shoved him
and then got in beside him
and kind of, just went for
the brake and the wheel
and tried to avoid, like,
parked cars and stuff.
And I'm a very good panicker.
So I was the wrong person
but I was there,
so I had to deal with it.
What time of day was it?
It was late morning.
What does that mean?
'Cause it's either early morning
or late night.
No, it was, like, before lunchtime,
'cause my show was at 2:00
and so, it was, like...I've...
If you're gonna say it's a lie
because she said the phrase
'late morning'...
(LAUGHTER)
That is flimsy.
That threw me off completely.
You are the weirdest cross-examining
lawyer ever, Dil.
(LAUGHTER)
"No, no, no - it's either
early morning, late at night
"and there are no hours in between."
(LAUGHTER)
"The prosecution rests,
Your Honour."
(LAUGHTER)
How many other passengers
were on there?
Oh, it was probably, like,
10 other passengers.
Where did this take place?
What country?
Um, it was in Edinburgh, when I was
over for the Fringe Festival.
This is just my limitation
but in Edinburgh,
even when you ask, you know,
"Where is this,"
they'll go...
(SPEAKS GUTTURAL GIBBERISH)
(LAUGHTER)
You're like, "I think I'm just gonna
stay on the bus and go for a ride,
"because I don't know."
Was that the Swedish Chef
from The Muppets?
(LAUGHTER)
Next to a Scottish person!
I know that would've...that probably
made your brain go, "Nnnggha-ngah!"
I thought...
Jock was just going, "Dad...?"
(LAUGHTER)
The first time I went to Edinburgh,
I tried to order a Big Mac
in McDonald's
and we were both speaking English -
the guy behind the counter and I
were both speaking English -
and we had no clue what
the other person was saying.
I played golf with
a friend from Edinburgh
and we get up to the green
and he goes,
"D'ye want et een aroot?"
I'm like, "I beg your pardon?"
"D'ye want et een aroot?
D'ye want et een aroot?"
I'm like, "I don't know
what you're saying.
"Could you say it
just a bit slower?"
And he said, "D'ye want...
et een...aroot?"
(LAUGHTER)
It was the flag!
"Do you want it in or out?"
(LAUGHTER)
"D'ye want et een aroot?"
Oh!
(LAUGHTER)
Alright - not thinking about it,
which foot are you pressing?
Which pedal, right or left?
Quick. Quick!
CAL: I can't even remember.
Quick! Panic! Panic!
Get into the panic mode.
I'll be the driver.
I'll be the driver here.
CHARLIE: Just pretend Frank's dead!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Oh! Oh, no, no.
No, no! She went like this!
Was it the wrong...
It should have been that!
There you go!
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, but, Charlie, that's how I drive
in the late morning.
(LAUGHTER)
What's triple-zero in Scottish?
(SPEAKS GUTTURAL GIBBERISH)
I think I just gave myself
a hernia then.
CHARLIE: You just lean out of the
bus and go, "Get an ambulance!"
(LAUGHTER)
"Get a bloody ambulance! Now!"
(APPLAUSE)
Sorry, Charlie.
You're giving me flashbacks.
Do you mind? It's quite upsetting.
How was the driver's condition?
Well, I assume he was fine -
like, he seemed to be OK.
Like, I had to leave, 'cause then
I had to, like, run to do my show.
But it was really...
I was so shaken up.
I mean, you're in a bad
mental state anyway
if you're doing a show at Edinburgh
and it was just...
Particularly if you're doing a show
mid-morning.
(LAUGHTER)
Georgie, you say you've already
made up your mind.
I've got two bits of evidence
that I think make it a lie.
Ooh!
Alright.
Right? One - the bus driver
was on the wrong side.
'Cause in England,
they drive on the other side.
Second bit is, you've got 10 people
on a bus -
one of them's done first aid
and the thing you're not doing
with a faint person
is sitting them up on a step!
As he's coming to?
'Cause you're trying to get
the blood back to the heart,
not further away from the heart,
so I reckon...
Well, ironically, she saved
everybody and then she killed him.
(LAUGHTER)
CHRISSIE: What's your verdict?
I'm gonna need a 'true' or a 'lie'
out of you.
I think it's a lie.
You think it's a lie.
I think it's a lie but...
for not those reasons.
(LAUGHTER)
I've gotta go with my team and say
that is a lie.
OK. Cal Wilson, is that true
or a lie?
I'm so sorry to disappoint you
but that is...
.a lie.
(APPLAUSE)
Get it, dream team!
Yes!
Knew it.
I would have got away with it if
it wasn't for that meddling nurse!
(LAUGHTER)
It is, of course, a lie - Cal
will not be playing Sandra Bullock
in the 'Speed' re-boot.
(LAUGHTER)
Coming up on Would I Lie To You?
No, he's finished the drum.
It could just be there.
What makes Charlie's team implode?
I'm gonna go with
either a truth or a lie.
(LAUGHTER)
Thank you for your service.
I agree or disagree with you.
Oh, god!
Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?
Georgie, the spotlight is on you.
Alright.
Inspired by Live Aid,
I went to Ethiopia
to live in a nunnery.
There's a lot to unpack there.
Frank's team,
where do you want to start?
Live Aid happened in what year?
Oh, I was still in primary school,
'cause I also wrote a song
for Live Aid,
thinking that
I got to keep the money.
I feel like Live Aid was 1984.
I'm just guessing that.
So, '84. I was born in '75, so...
I'm not good at maths -
I'm a wordsmith.
Nine.
Nine.
So, at nine...how did
your parents feel
about you going and living
in a nunnery in Ethiopia,
when you were nine?
I didn't go when I was nine.
Oh, OK.
Oh. Waited till she was 10
and off she went!
(LAUGHTER)
Can I just clarify what Live Aid is,
for those of us who might not know?
So just you, then.
So, um...
(LAUGHTER)
There are people watching at home,
from Sri Lanka,
who don't know what Live Aid is.
Do the people in Sri Lanka...do they
know it's Christmastime at all?
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
I get that reference!
You're gonna love this -
that comes from Live Aid.
Right. Right.
What was your follow-up?
Was it more inclusive - like,
do they know it's Ramadan as well?
Oh, my...
Anyone know when Hannukah is?
If I told you,
you'd get me cancelled
but it came from the heart.
But I was nine
and me and my brother wrote it.
It was called, 'Help Them - They
Need All The Help They Can Get'.
(LAUGHTER)
Which is just atrocious!
Well, it's natural.
But it was a nine-year-old's
sentimentality
and we sang it in an assembly
and we were allowed to and...
JOCK: Give us some of
the other lyrics.
So, please cut it if I'm gonna
get cancelled,
because we went in, really, from...
it was a nine-year-old's brain and
I didn't have a frontal cortex yet.
(LAUGHTER)
(SINGS) # What would you do
if you saw an Ethiopian?
# Would you stop
and give them some food?
# We say yes
Yes, yes, yes
# 'Cause if you didn't
That would be rude... #
(LAUGHTER)
# Help them
# Help them, help them... #
(LAUGHTER)
Sorry, I just need to know... Wait.
(APPLAUSE)
Sorry.
Where do I... where do I donate?
(LAUGHTER)
Where do I donate?
So, what age did you go
to the nunnery? How old were you?
Uh, 18, I reckon.
And how long were you there?
I was scheduled to be there
for six months but I...
got kicked out of the nunnery
after just three.
I got a hickey.
Oh!
Ooh!
Oh, wow.
Wow.
How did you get the hickey?
Pashing.
From the nuns or the Ethiopians?
(LAUGHTER)
No - but there was a pregnant nun.
Work that one out.
(LAUGHTER)
Um, yeah.
So, um...so, yeah,
it was one of those, uh...
aid missions that probably
doesn't do any good.
I, with this beautiful accent,
was sent to help the country
by speaking English.
To who?
The Ethiopians.
(LAUGHTER)
JOCK: At 19?
I know! And... But what
they really wanted...
Because English wasn't the problem.
It's like, they wanted to know
how to run schools
and I'd never worked in a school -
I left school early.
I was not a help.
I was probably a drain.
And...I also...
The nuns came in one day and said,
um, "OK. Just be careful.
"Tomorrow we're going into the city
but there's gonna be a coup."
And I was like...
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, I know!
..like, "What do we wear?
Will there be food?"
(LAUGHTER)
Were the nuns trying
to overthrow the regime?
(LAUGHTER)
'Cause in my experience,
coups happen...
by surprise.
But the nuns are like...
No, I think they've got their ear
to the ground, the nuns.
.."Don't tell anyone."
(LAUGHTER)
What was the name of the place
where you were,
the actual geographical location
in Ethiopia?
Nuns R Us.
(LAUGHTER)
'Nun' of your business.
What was the name of the specific,
you know...
The convent.
The convent.
Oh, I wouldn't...
I'm not a details person.
But...
How convenient.
(LAUGHTER)
I think it was Our Lady
of the Slightly Loose Morals.
(LAUGHTER)
Truth or a lie?
I think it's true.
Like, I think we're gonna...
Let's go with that.
Unless you're feeling lie.
No. Let's go...
If you think lie, lie, then
definitely...
My initial though is it's true.
So we're gonna say true.
CHRISSIE: We're going with true.
Georgie, is that true or a lie?
Uh, that is...
the truth.
(APPLAUSE)
Glad we listened to you, Frank.
(APPLAUSE)
Georgie's charity ended
when the only thing she could
give away was her neck for hickeys.
(LAUGHTER)
Jock, over to you.
I harass supermarket shoppers
who I see make bad choices.
(LAUGHTER)
Ooh!
Give us an example of a bad choice.
Pineapples.
Next time you're at a supermarket,
just have a look at people
and pineapples.
They go up, they pick up
one pineapple,
they smell it, they poke around it,
then they put it down
and they pick up another -
they don't know
which pineapple's ripe.
I just sit back and watch them
go through all of that bullshit
and then I go to them
and tap them on the shoulder
and go, "That pineapple's not ripe."
And then they look at me and they go,
"Oh, fuck, it's that guy
from MasterChef,"
and they fucking scurry off with
the pineapple and change it.
It's funny.
Has the harassment ever,
you know, had any backlash?
Has it had unfortunate consequences?
There's been a couple of people
who've answered back,
which, you know, like, as comics,
you probably...you're expecting that.
As a chef, I don't expect some
kind of answer back from somebody.
One person said to me, "Well,
how do I tell if it's ripe?"
And so how do you tell if it's ripe?
This is true - what you need to do...
DILRUK: Oh, so the rest of it is not?
(LAUGHTER)
Right. Interesting.
As is everything else said
up to this point.
If you get a pineapple, right,
and you shake it,
if it's ripe -
because as pineapples get riper,
they get juicier -
and if you shake it, you can actually
hear the liquid inside the pineapple.
Yes, chef!
Well, I'm learning things here.
I didn't know you could get
pineapple outside of a tin!
(LAUGHTER)
Do you sometimes just, like,
linger around the avocados,
like, knowing that
there's gonna be...
100%.
..there's gonna be a car-crash.
It's almost like a sport.
So, do you drive to the supermarket
with this on your mind,
or are you already
at the supermarket?
Like, are you home, going,
"I've got half an hour to kill.
"I'm gonna go and harass
some strangers."
(LAUGHTER)
First of all, I've got a driver.
Um...
(LAUGHTER)
I think Matt Preston will be upset
with you referring to him
in that way.
(LAUGHTER)
He needed work. I thought
it was a fair offer.
I identify with this, because I do
this in skinny-girl shops as well.
Like, when people pick out clothes,
I go, "WRONG!"
(LAUGHTER)
"Put it back!"
Alright. Is this true?
Is he harassing people
at the supermarket?
I think he's done it
but he's not harassing.
DILRUK: The phrase 'harassment'
is the one that started off
and it felt very gentle.
What do you think, Charlie's team?
True or a lie?
Um...
I feel lie...I'm vibing lie but...
OK, so, Dilruk, you're vibing a lie.
Vibing a lie.
Georgie, what you vibing?
I'm vibing he does it but
not to harassment points. Yeah.
I think it's the truth.
So it's up to you, Charlie.
I am going to go...
with lie.
Alright.
No!
(LAUGHTER)
That was a lie!
It is a tricky one.
I'm gonna go with true.
Yep. It's... OK. It's true.
We're locking in true.
Jock Zonfrillo, is that true
or is that a lie?
For all the supermarket shoppers
out there,
I apologise -
that is...
it's a lie.
(APPLAUSE)
It's a lie.
(APPLAUSE)
Sorry, Dilruk.
But you want to, don't you?
You want to! You want to.
The pineapple thing's real.
I get people to shake it and if
anyone believed that,
you're all stupid.
(LAUGHTER)
Jock does not have a crack at
customers for their shopping choices
but I think we did just invent
a new reality show -
Judge Jock.
(LAUGHTER)
Stick around for more
Would I Lie To You?
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Welcome back.
Our next round is called
This Is My...,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
This week, each of Charlie's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest.
It's up to Frank's team to spot
who's telling the truth.
So please put your hands together for
this week's special guest, Halley.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
So, Dilruk, how are you
connected to Halley.
This is Halley and she and I run
a successful e-commerce business.
(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)
Georgie, how do you know Halley?
Um, this is Halley
and Halley watched and said nothing
as I ate dog food,
believing it to be tapas.
(LAUGHTER)
Charlie, who is Halley to you?
Uh, this is Halley and she is
my least-favourite niece.
Ooh!
AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Ooh!
Brutal! So, there we have it.
Frank's team, is Halley
Dilruk's business buddy,
Georgie's Scooby-snack spectator
or Charlie's third-rate relative?
I feel there's...I feel like
there's no reason
why she can't be all three.
(LAUGHTER)
I couldn't agree more.
Let's start with Dilruk.
What are your questions for him?
What's the e-commerce business
that you run with Halley?
It's, um, little...well,
non-precious jewellery.
So, little, like, friendship bands
and things like...
It started off as friendship bands.
Mmm, shit.
(LAUGHTER)
Sorry. Sorry.
I'm trying to get a plug in. Please.
Sorry.
So they're not real stones -
it's, like, theatrical stones
that are, kind of, made of glass...
No, they're real stones -
they're just not precious.
Oh, OK.
JOCK: What's the website called?
It's not a website -
it's the Instagram account.
And what's the Instagram account?
PreciousToMe.
(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)
OK. Now I'm sorry.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah. Exactly.
How come you don't have any on?
DILRUK: 'Cause it's not
something that I genuine...
usually want to connect
with my comedy stuff.
When the pandemic happened,
I realised being a comedian
is very...disposable,
so I wanted to learn about
selling stuff on the internet
and when I met Halley,
I saw what she was doing
and she was selling it
to her friends -
I'm like, "Oh, that's really fun.
"Maybe this is my way of taking..."
'Cause she had no interest
in going, you know, online
and things like that.
I'm like, "Can I take over
that side of the business
"and be a silent operator
in the background?"
What is your relationship
with Halley?
How did you meet?
Well, she is my girlfriend's niece.
So, Dilruk, you and I
are quite good friends.
Mm-hm.
How come you've never given me any?
Because I feel like
our friendship is waning.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Well, it is now!
CHRISSIE: Let's move on.
Georgie, just remind us -
who is Halley to you?
Uh, this is Halley.
Halley, uh, watched and said nothing
as I ate dog food,
believing it to be tapas.
OK. So, where...
Was it on the floor?
Was it on a counter? Where...?
Like, a kitchen benchtop.
So...
In a dog bowl? Or...
In eight dog bowls.
Eight dog bowls?
How many dogs lived in the house?
Oh, so did they look like
tapas dishes?
Little silver... I don't have a dog.
I don't ever love anything
enough to pick up its poo.
I don't need a dog. And so...
But my friend, who is Halley's...
Halley? ..Halley's mother...
..is a dog-sitter
and she has, like,
eight dogs at once...
What did it look like?
And I'm having a little bit
of wine, you know,
and so I got a bit
of the nibbles on...
What are you dipping in it?
What did it look like?
No, I... There was a spoon...
Schmackos.
She's dipping Schmackos in and...
After you ate it, did you
drag your bum along the carpet?
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
What's Halley's mum called?
GEORGIE: Halley's mum...
(LAUGHTER)
..is called Nicky.
And what's Halley's mum's
partner called?
Paul...
Is his name.
(LAUGHTER)
Eventually, uh, Georgie,
did she interrupt your
eight-course dog-ustation?
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Eventually, she did
and has brought it up every time
I've seen her since.
Alright, Charlie. Remind us
who Halley is to you.
Uh, this is Halley and she is
my least-favourite niece.
(GASPS) Brutal!
I have two nieces but she's...
She's my least-favourite niece
on a list.
What do you mean?
So, her sister is Sarah, right?
So my favourite niece, Sarah.
Then the city of Nice,
which is lovely.
(LAUGHTER)
Then Nice biscuits,
which are thoroughly under-rated.
(LAUGHTER)
Couldn't agree more.
And then Halley,
my least-favourite niece.
Wow.
Why is she your
least-favourite niece?
Well, when she was born,
I gave her a teddy bear
with an Essendon
football jumper on it.
When she was about four or five,
at school, she swapped it
with a friend of hers,
who had a Hawthorn bear...
Oh!
Ooh!
..and she now goes for Hawthorn.
DILRUK: Good on you, girl.
Yeah, go the Hawkers!
This is all making sense.
Yeah, 'cause this can definitely
tear families apart.
Absolutely, it can.
So when you say, what did she do,
I say, she knows what she did.
(LAUGHTER)
Alright. We're gonna need an answer,
Frank's team.
Is Halley Dilruk's business buddy,
Georgie's Scooby-snack spectator
or Charlie's third-rate relative?
I really want it to be
Georgie eating dog food.
(LAUGHTER)
CHARLIE: I think we all want it
to be Georgie eating dog food.
But Dilruk's answer
is just so out-there.
Yeah. I'm...
What are you thinking, Jock?
Yeah, I'm thinking...
I'm thinking Dilruk or Charlie.
I'm thinking Dilruk.
I mean, Charlie, you're gonna
look so bad if this is true.
(LAUGHTER)
Like, it doesn't matter
how you cut it. Like, it's...
Um, with all due respect, get your
nose out of my family's business.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm erring towards Dilruk.
CHRISSIE: OK. Why?
Because...it enchanted me.
Mmm.
As a story. I loved the story.
It's like they're an odd couple,
in a sense -
they're coming together
but they've got a shared goal.
Yep.
Is it alright if we go with Dilruk?
I think we've got double with Dilruk.
Let's go do it.
We've got a...double Dilruk.
Yeah, Dilruk.
Lock in Dilruk. Alright, Halley.
Please put us out of our misery.
Reveal your true identity.
I'm Halley.
I watched and said nothing
as Georgie ate dog food.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Yeah!
Yes, it's true. How wonderful!
And ever since then, you've been
wacko for Schmackos!
(LAUGHTER)
Everybody, big round of applause
for the gorgeous Halley.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Well done, sweetheart.
How gorgeous.
We will be back in a flash.
Someone get her
a silver bowl, please.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?
Alright, Frank.
It's your turn for a home truth.
I based one of the villains
in my children's book
on a teacher I hated.
Ooh.
What was the name
of your children's book?
It's called Kismet And The...
..um...I wrote it quite a while ago.
(LAUGHTER)
Kismet And The...
..Tasmanian Tiger.
And there were a few
in the series, so you...
There were three in the series.
Yep.
The first one was
Kismet And The Curse Of The...
Tasmanian Tiger, I think.
CAL: And when you say
you wrote it a long time ago,
was that before they were extinct?
(LAUGHTER)
That's why it was hard for me
to remember. It's going back...
It's all based on a little, um,
detective girl called Kismet
and her dad, he's the real detective
and she travels with him
but she's the brains of the outfit.
Yeah, right.
What was the villain called?
The villain was called Mr Panorkle.
What did the real-life
Mr Panorkle do to you
that made you hate them so much?
He touched me very deeply...
Oh, god!
(LAUGHTER)
No, initially,
he touched me very deeply
with his storytelling,
then his poetry,
so I really loved him but he did
this thing in front of the class,
where one time he told...
he told a story about
being reincarnated
as a...uh, and he'd been a wolf.
And he just had the whole class
all standing around
and he said,
"And I was killed by a pitchfork,
"so if you look
at the back of my head,
"you'll see the prong-marks
from my previous life.
"Frank, why don't you come
and have a look at the prongs?"
So I could do it with Jock -
I'd say, "Jock, come and have
a look at the prongs here."
What was his name? Mr...
Um...
Mr Panorkle.
The character was called
Mr Panorkle
but Mr Peterson did a thing
where he went, "Frank, come
"and you'll see I actually
do have two little dents here."
(SNARLS)
Oh, Jesus!
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
And he did that...
It's not very nice, is it?
..and I started to cry -
'cause this was in,
I think, grade 5 -
I started to cry and he just went,
"Oh, come on, you little baby!
It's just a bit of fun."
CHRISSIE: Oh!
And I just never...
I never forgave him.
He blew it. He blew your trust.
"Just a bit of fun."
It was horrible.
I was wondering
if you could remember
any of Mr Peterson's poetry.
I can remember one of them.
Oh, you want me to tell you it?
I would love to hear some
of Mr Peterson's poems.
There was one that went, um...
"There once was
a man called Panorkle..."
(LAUGHTER)
"..Who breathed through his wang
like a snorkel."
(LAUGHTER)
That's the poem he said, um,
which is rude.
No, he said a very short poem.
He said, "This one is about ant..."
Um, no. "..about fleas.
"Adam had-em."
(LAUGHTER)
Did you base any other characters
from real life in your other books?
This is...
I don't like the look on your faces,
'cause this is my real book!
(LAUGHTER)
You're making me feel like
I didn't do it very well.
CHARLIE: So which part is the lie?
None of it's a lie! That's the...
I based the story...
Mr...the character Mr Panorkle
on my...on my teacher,
who was mean to me.
Was there any kind of backlash
from when Mr Peterson
realised he's Mr Panorkle?
Look, I'm not sure if
he would have recognised himself.
Um, I did...physically,
I made him exactly the same, um...
With three dots
on the back of his neck?
(LAUGHTER)
Um, no - I said, like,
tall, thin man with a nose
and a mouth and ears and eyes
and eyebrows and hair.
Oh, my god - it's you!
You're Mr Panorkle!
FRANK: Yeah, so...I don't...
I've never...I haven't
heard from him since.
How old was he? Like, was he an
old man when he was your teacher?
Or, like...
Well, 'cause I was only in...
um, you know, primary school,
so he felt like a really old man,
so he was probably 32,
or something like that.
Mmm. Yeah.
We've gotta put him
out of his misery.
What do you think - true or a lie?
DILRUK: Oh, it feels true.
It feels like a Frank Woodley thing
to be crying as a kid and then...
(LAUGHTER)
..hanging on to that...
Yeah, like a real baby!
(LAUGHTER)
And you guys don't support...support
me and this is my real...
Yeah, I think he's still...
I think he's trying to throw us off
with the fake poetry thing
but the rest of it, I think...
I've met you a few times - I think
you're a resilient person,
so a teacher going, "Raaaar!"
would...
I mean, I've done horrible things
to my kids and they're fine.
(LAUGHTER)
Did the other children mock you
for crying as well?
Were they, like...how...
I remember everybody laughing when
he said, "Come on, you big baby!"
You know, just don't worry about it
and everybody laughed and I was...
I was crying and it was just...
It's, like, seared into my memory
like it happened yesterday.
And now you make a living from
having people laugh at you...
..while someone else is mean to you.
You've essentially written
Colin Lane into a...
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Alright, Charlie's team.
What'll it be?
Alright.
I'm going it's a lie,
because I think a werewolf
is too normal for your brain.
You know, like, I think you'd have
come up with a better monster.
It was a were-Tasmanian tiger!
Oh, OK. Maybe... OK, then. Truth.
(LAUGHTER)
That was easy.
We've got a true, we've got a true...
Yeah, I think it's true as well.
I think that is a true story,
Frank Woodley.
We're locking in true.
Frank Woodley, is that true or a lie?
It's actually a lie.
Oh!
(APPLAUSE)
CHARLIE: Oh!
I hate that you tricked us
into having compassion
for you as a child.
Yes! Was the teacher real? I feel...
I've never been to school.
(LAUGHTER)
CHRISSIE: The whole thing was a lie!
Time for a break. More truths
and lies on Would I Lie To You? next.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
in the hilarious new season
of Would I Lie To You?
With full episodes on 10Play.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
It's time now to ramp up the pace
and play Quick-Fire Lies.
These guests have no idea
what they're about to read
on the card in front of them.
It could be a true tale
from their life
or a tall tale we just made up.
Georgie, you're up first.
The family of an elderly woman
I met in hospital
started legal action against me
after I was included in her will.
Ooh.
Where are you starting, Frank's team?
We do know that you were
a nurse for a long time.
Two decades.
Two decades. So...
And a nun.
(LAUGHTER)
What did you get left in the will?
Well, I don't know,
because that happens at the end
of the legal proceedings -
like, they don't tell you what
you've won and then start arguing.
DILRUK: What you've won?
What you've won?
It's not a raffle!
"What you've won"!
She reported to me that it was
a building, before she passed.
But I don't know if it was.
Tell... Who's this old lady?
So, it was, um, one of our...
she'd, like, lived in hospital
for a long time.
I don't really know much about her
but she told me she was
leaving me a building
and, um, I Facebook Live-d it, yeah.
It was more...so, it was to do with
the social media policy
rather than the, um...
The inheritance.
The inheritance.
Did you go, "OMG, Maudie's
leaving me a building.
"Can't wait till she goes."
But I mean, I reckon
there's a loophole -
if I'd have just said we were
mates before she got sick,
I reckon I could have
got the building.
But I didn't say it
in the Facebook Live.
What do you mean, Facebook Live?
You Facebook Live-d it?
You went straight on Facebook
and went, "I'm getting
a building, everyone!"
"I'm here at hospital,
"I've just emptied a bed pan,
I'm getting a building."
Yeah. But you've seen people
on Facebook Live.
They just witter on - it wasn't
the subject of the whole thing.
I was like, um, "Oh, you lot
just get chocolates -
"I got a building today!"
You know, like, um...um...
Stop. You did... Come on!
(LAUGHTER)
So, then...then what happened?
So, who saw...
You went onto Facebook Live
and you told the world and then...
Yeah and then what happens is
you get pulled into an office
by a boss you've never met.
You think you're probably
getting a pay rise or something
and then they bollock you
for Facebook Live-ing your mate
giving you a building in her will.
But what did you do wrong?
She's giving you the building.
The Facebook Live-ing!
You're allowed to tell people
you're getting a building!
If you stop talking,
I'll give you a building!
(LAUGHTER)
'Cause I don't understand
what's happening.
You can't accept gifts -
and I haven't accepted it yet
but on there, on the Facebook Live,
I was sort of going on
about this building...
Oh, right - so you saying
you were gonna get a building
was a breach of ethical standards
'cause you're not meant
to get gifts from patients.
Yes.
So they initiated proceedings
to stop that...
Yes.
..and so therefore you never got
the building in the end anyway.
Yeah.
It's so simple, guys!
(LAUGHTER)
Alright.
Do you want to ask any more questions
to clarify the mess of this,
or are you ready
to lock something in?
JOCK. I'm ready.
I think it's true.
What?!
(LAUGHTER)
CHRISSIE: Jock is furious
about the whole thing!
Oh, my god - it's the first time
I've seen his worry beads out.
You've really rattled him.
(LAUGHTER)
I think it's true
because it's so preposterous
that I feel that it's something
Georgie would have done.
I think it's true.
I think it's true.
But also, I have to admit,
partially from the enjoyment
of watching Jock just
internally melt down.
(LAUGHTER)
Well, Jock's a definite lie,
so you're in trouble.
Look, we're gonna say
that it's true.
AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Ooh!
Wow. OK.
Georgie Carroll, is this true
or is it a lie?
That is an absolute lie!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
I knew it!
Of course!
Of course it was a lie!
It's a lie, of course.
Georgie was not added to the will.
May your imaginary patient, though,
rest in imaginary peace.
Oh, yeah.
JOCK: Yeah. Oh, so sad.
Dilruk, it's your turn.
I confronted my muggers about
how much stuff they were taking.
(LAUGHTER)
Frank's team.
Where do you want to start?
Where were you
and when did this mugging occur?
This was in, uh...
back when I was at uni,
uh, here in Australia.
I was on the phone to...to my brother
and, um, group of six people came up
and said, "Oh,
can I have a cigarette?"
But that's when things turned
and they sort of covered me
and were like,
"Alright - give us your F'ing phone."
And so I had to, like, hang up
and give the phone...
Did you not think of going,
"Yes, that's right,
Police Commissioner Gordon"?
(LAUGHTER)
FRANK: So...initially
they took a cigarette
and you were like, "Oh, this is
a pretty low...low-fi mugging."
But then they took your F'ing phone.
Yeah.
Can I also just point out,
there's no F in 'phone'.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
So, did they take
anything else, Dilruk?
I mean, or was it just the phone?
Otherwise, where was the problem
about how much they were taking?
Well, yeah, so, it started
with the phone, of course,
and so they took it and, um,
I said to them, "OK,
I'll give you the phone.
"I don't want any trouble.
"But can I get my SIM card back?"
What? You were getting mugged and
you asked for the SIM card back?
DILRUK: Yeah.
JOCK: Come on.
The ringleader was like, "No,"
and then the other guy said,
"No, it's alright -
I'll get it out for him,"
and my first thought was, "Awww!"
(LAUGHTER)
What a good man!
DILRUK: What a sweetheart!
So, how many people were there
mugging you
and what were they mugging you with?
So, at the time,
it was just aggression,
so I didn't, you know, push back.
Like, it was...you know,
I'm not a fighter.
I'm a lover.
(LAUGHTER)
Not at the time, actually, no.
(LAUGHTER)
No, my virginity grew back that year.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm very surprised
it didn't make the news,
'cause it's a big robbery, this -
there's, like...they're splitting
one Nokia phone between six people.
(LAUGHTER)
So, once I got the SIM card, they
started taking other stuff off me,
like my wallet
and then they took my laptop bag
and then I was like,
"Oh, can I, um...
"keep that, because I've got
all my uni assignments
"and my, you know, photos,"
and that's when one of them said,
"Oh, you think this is
a fucking joke?"
And, like, held, like,
a sharp thing at my stomach
and I was like, "Nah, fuck,
just take everything."
And then did he get, like,
a really good mark at uni?
(LAUGHTER)
That must have been
a terrifying moment.
Oh, at that point,
it was still adrenaline,
so I was fine but, like...
So, then, the wallet, actually,
was another weird moment,
where they, um...so I asked for
the bank card and ID card back,
so they gave me back the ID card
and they all started walking away.
I said, "Oh, what about
my bank card?"
One of the guys at the back
of the gang goes,
"What the fuck? Are we mugging him
or is he mugging us?"
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
They sound like fun. I'm thinking
of joining their gang.
CHRISSIE: Yes! Alright, Frank's team.
What do you think - true or a lie?
What do you think, Jock?
It's plausible.
He is a lover, not a fighter.
I think it might be true.
I can attest to that.
He's a very exuberant lover.
(LAUGHTER)
Um, I think it's true.
OK.
Feels like we're going with true.
I think we believe that it's true.
Alright, Dilruk.
Is this story true, or a lie?
This story is...
true.
CHRISSIE: Ooh!
(APPLAUSE)
It is true!
Dilruk successfully negotiated
with his muggers.
(LAUGHTER)
Stick around for more
Would I Lie To You.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Alright. Next round.
It's called Could It Be?
And our teams are given
a general statement
that has nothing to do with them
but they must decide
whether it's lies or legit.
Charlie's team, your statement is,
the Australian Chamber Orchestra
has a designated triangle player.
Surely you don't need a whole
separate person to do the 'ding'.
There's never that much 'ding'.
You just give it to the drummer.
Unless they're serving dinner
after they've done a show.
There's not that much 'ding'.
Well, there's...
So surely, it could be you
there on the drums...
CAL: The timpani.
"Do the 'ding' at the end of this."
"Yeah, no worries. I've got it."
But who's doing the drums when
he's running off to 'ding'?
No, he's finished the drum...
Well, it could just be there.
What if you want to drum and 'ding'?
'Ding' and then... (IMITATES DRUMS)
(IMITATES DRUMS) Like, it's... Nah.
It's tough for the drummer.
(LAUGHTER)
But this is all percussion!
If you're hitting something,
it's percussion.
You might be right.
(LAUGHTER)
The cymbals guy is one person.
Or woman.
(ALL SPEAK AT ONCE)
I've seen someone 'rup-bup-bup'
on a timpani
and then just pick up the big ones
and go, 'bosh'.
Did you say someone
'rubber-butt' on a timpani?
'Rrrup-bup-bup-bup-ba, bosh'.
'Bosh'.
OK.
Oh, I'm learning so much today.
What is a 'timpani'?
It's a drum.
(LAUGHTER)
So many words!
It's a type of cat.
I've never seen Chrissie Swan
frown so much.
Just then, while we were drum...
She's like, "What have I chosen?"
What is a timpani
and why do we need them?
I mean, with all due respect,
I'm not sure you're the most useful
team-mates in this situation.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
Um, I think that maybe
the key word there
is 'designated' triangle player.
Yep.
It feels like a waste of resources.
That's exactly right.
If there's just one person
just sitting there going,
"Am I on now? OK. Here we go." Ding!
"Oh, fuck. Here we go again." Ding!
(LAUGHTER)
You know what I mean? It...
I also feel it's, uh, a lie...
Or if it's true, then it's pointless
and if you are
the triangle player...
Yeah, I'm sure you have
all the skills...
(LAUGHTER)
..so I'm gonna go with
either a truth or a lie.
(LAUGHTER)
You know what?
I thank you for your service.
I think I...I agree or disagree
with Georgie.
Oh, god.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Well...
..ignoring both my team-mates,
I think,
on quite reasonable grounds,
I will say that whilst playing
a triangle happens in an orchestra,
I think a chamber orchestra
is smaller
and I think surely a percussionist
can also do the triangle.
I think it is a lie.
It's a lie, then?
Oh, yeah.
I'm saying that... Ignore them.
(LAUGHTER)
Just cut them out.
I'm very sorry for the distraction
that they provided.
It is, in fact...
a lie.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
We did it!
DILRUK: Well done.
Georgie and I did it!
Well done, Georgie!
Have you ever seen a less-justified
high-five in your life?
(LAUGHTER)
The person who plays the triangle
and other instruments
is a utility percussionist,
so you are spot-on, there, Charlie.
(BUZZ!)
Oh!
That noise signals that time is up!
Ooh!
Was it this - 'ding'?
(LAUGHTER)
It was - we've got a person
who waits here the whole show,
just to go...'bing'!
But I can reveal that
tonight's winner is...
Frank's team.
CHARLIE: Oh! How could it be?
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
No!
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Congratulations. Well, that's it
from Would I Lie To You.
Thank you so much for watching
and remember -
speak truth from your heart
and lies through your teeth.
Goodnight.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Captions by Red Bee Media