Would I Lie to You? (2022–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - Episode #2.6 - full transcript

(THEME MUSIC)

Hello, I'm Chrissie Swan,
and welcome to Would I Lie To You?,

the show with so many lies

you wouldn't believe it.

Let's meet our players

as we welcome team captain
Charlie Pickering.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

Alongside Charlie, all limbered up
and ready to go, it's Nath Valvo.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

And joining Charlie is comedian
Steph Tisdell.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)



And the captain of our second team,
it's comedian Frank Woodley.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

On Frank's team tonight

is a singer and winner of
UK 'Celebrity Big Brother'.

Please welcome Courtney Act.
Ah!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

Finally, here tonight
with his own smelly bag of BS,

it's Peter Helliar.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

So, how do we play?

Our teams will take turns
reading stories.

It's up to the opposing team to
determine whether the story is true

or a lie.

To round one, Home Truths,



where panellists read out a statement
from the card in front of them.

To make things even more difficult,

they've never seen the card before.

They've got no idea
what they'll be faced with.

Nath Valvo, you're first.

Why do I have to go first?

(LAUGHTER)

I'm really bad at lying.

What have you got?

This is a Peter Helliar nude.
Can I have another card?

Can I have that back?
(LAUGHTER)

OK, I became unrecognisable
to my friends

after performing an illegal
medical procedure on myself.

Where are you gonna start?

So, where on your body did the
medical procedure take place?

All over.
Oh!

Was it a cosmetic thing

or was it, like, an emergency
where you had to kind of...

..save yourself?

It was an emergency in the sense
that I wanted to look hotter.

Take us through the, um,
disfigurement or...

Why were you so unrecognisable?

Do you remember years ago
when tanning beds were legal?

Oh, yes.
Yeah.

We remember those days.
Yes, yes.

PETER: Dark days.

I couldn't afford to go to them,

so I found a cheaper way

to go, uh, brown.

Did you order Melanotan II
off the internet in Canada

and inject it subcutaneously
into your stomach?

(LAUGHTER)
No, it was just me.

It's funny, 'cause that's
what I was gonna ask.

Uh, yes.
Oh, see! See?

So, um, what is that?

Um, uh...uh, it's...

It was developed in Adelaide
for people who are prone to

sunburn, skin cancer
and stuff like that.

But then vain homosexuals
would buy it off the internet

and just inject themselves
so they'd get brown.

I did that. So...
Yeah.

I did all of that,
but it wasn't from Canada.

It was from China.

You said that you became
unrecognisable.

I think I used too much.

I think you might have!

Were you performing on 'Hey, Hey,
It's Saturday' at the time?

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

Nath, I've gotta ask - did it work?

Did you get very, very brown?

Yes, as I said, I put...

I used too much and I went...

My...my skin changed colour so much

that a couple of friends didn't
recognise me at the pub one night.

Is it possible that
they did recognise you

but just didn't wanna
associate with you?

Yes!

Maybe.

So, how...HOW brown were you?

I don't...

Do NOT use a reference.

When you realised that this wasn't
an ideal situation,

what did you do then?

I stopped.

(LAUGHTER)

Nath, was it like you were
all good with it

until you couldn't get a cab
and then you went, "I get it"?

How many times did you inject?
Was it just one injection?

Absolutely not. Um...

I'd say probably, like, once a week
for a couple of months.

So did you experience side effects?

Um, I felt dizzy.

But I didn't care,
because I, uh, looked so...

..tan.

Are you sure there were
no other side effects?

Uh...

I don't remember there being
any other side effects.

Do the initials 'ED' mean anything?

No, the opposite!
Oh, really?

The opposite!

Sorry - what does 'ED' stand for?

(WHISPERS) Erectile dysfunction.

Oh!

(LOUDLY) Erectile dysfunction,
in case you were wondering.

Alright, Frank's team.
What do you think?

True or a lie?

The only thing that makes me
think it is a lie

is that there was
no erections involved,

because it's a genuine side effect.

OK, so the only reason that Courtney
believes it's a lie is that...

You didn't have
irrepressible erections.

Or possibly he just always has
irrepressible erections

and there was no difference.

Could you stand up now, Nathan,
to show us?

It would have been great if you went
to stand up and you'd gone...

Ooh!

Into the buzzer.
Into the buzzer!

"It's true." Boom.

Um, so you were gonna say true.

I was gonna say true, but I bow to
Courtney's knowledge in this area.

COURTNEY: It did happen
to a friend of mine.

We're gonna say it's true.

Locking in true? Nath Valvo,
is that story true or a lie?

Should I use my finger to press?
Yes, you should.

And to the Channel 10 editors,

please keep in all that stuff
about me having a big...

Did anyone say 'big'?

We just said 'erection'.
We didn't specify size.

Edit that bit out!

That story is...

..true.
(CHIMING)

CHRISSIE: Oh!

Wow!

It is true.

Courtney, it's your time to shine.

I have a complicated relationship
with my sewing machine

that I call Mitch.

It criticises me whilst we work.

Why is it called Mitch?

I... It's a bit embarrassing.

I had an ex-boyfriend called Mitch

and he used to criticise me a lot

about the things that I would make

and so then I called the sewing
machine Mitch after him,

because he was a bitch.

So it only got the name
after it started criticising.

Yes, 'cause I was, like, name
association, word association.

Mitch, Mitch.

And so before that...
it was nameless.

Bernina.

It's written on it, and I scratched
it out and wrote 'Mitch'.

Yeah, nice.

How long does it take
to...to make a costume?

Well, I made this and...

AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Whoo!
And it took... Thank you.

Thank you.

Got the fabric from Lincraft,
popped home,

sewed up the bobbin.

Sewed up the bobbin?
Wound up the bobbin.

But the seams of it are, like...

You would think that
they would get tangled

with these little flowers on it.

Oh, I should have cut that off,
shouldn't I? Hold on.

(SPITS)

Yeah, I'm starting
to side with Mitch.

(MUTTERS)

(SPITS)
Yes.

Oh. No, it's...

Reminds me of my ex-boyfriend,
Mitch.

It takes, like,
a few hours at night.

Like, while you're watching Would
I Lie To You?, you get out Mitch

and you just, you know,
gently sew away.

Probably... I don't know,
maybe about eight hours.

Do you feel like Mitch
has favourite fabrics?

Like, is there some times
where he's, like,

"Mmm, you are killing it"?

Well, Mitch criticises me a lot
when I sew sequin.

But, like, a stretch fabric
is not too bad.

Well, it fits better.

How does Mitch, the sewing machine,
criticise you?

Well, by not sewing very well.

(LAUGHTER)

Does Mitch have...have the voice
of your ex-boyfriend?

Like, what sort of voice
does Mitch have?

Yeah, he used to speak like this.
(IMITATES SEWING MACHINE)

He had a terrible stutter.

I just wanna be clear - I don't hear

inanimate objects
literally talking to me.

It's...it's more of
a jovial relationship

I have with my sewing machine.

Do you feel guilty?

Like, if you said to somebody,
"Can I borrow your sewing machine?"

Cheating on Mitch?
Do you feel like you're cheating?

No. But, um, my...

(LAUGHTER)

Babes, it's 2022!

I'm living the polyamorous life
with my sewing machine.

Just slutting around different
sewing machines all around town.

Polyamorous polyester!
Yeah.

Yeah, and Mitch is fucking
the jaffle-maker anyway.

You leave Tiffany out of this!

Oh, yes!

What's your verdict?

What are you feeling about this?

I'm trying to tap into our
unspoken...queer energy.

It's very much something that we do,

which is, you know, hate our ex
and name things after them.

Yeah.
Uh, I think it could be true.

OK.

But the major flaw in the story
is a gay guy called Mitch.

What's your verdict, guys?

You two want it.
Mmm.

But I feel that because you sew,

you were just way into that story
too soon.

You were, like, "Oh, yeah, sewing
machines are great. I'm in."

I've never sewed in my life,
Charlie.

So why were you talking with such
familiarity about sewing machines?

Did you date a sewing machine?

I did. Look...

No, I just dated Mitch.

Let the record show
I don't believe it

but I'm gonna yield
to the both of you.

And if this doesn't work out,
I've got it from here, OK?

Locking in true.
We're gonna say that it's true.

Alright. Courtney Act, is this story
true or a lie?

It is...

..a lie.

(CHIMING)
Ooh! You cheeky squirrel!

I possess absolutely
no sewing skills whatsoever.

Like, when I said
'thread' and 'bobbin',

I was sweating.

It is a lie.

Thankfully, that nasty Mitch
is just make-believe.

ANNOUNCER: Coming up, what has
our panel speaking in tongues?

Yeah, oompenshnook.

Oompenshnook?
Oompenshnook!

Ooh!
Ken!

Shnook!

And we're back. Charlie,
your time has come, my friend.

I compulsively enter competitions

that require 25 words or less.

Oh! Frank's team.
Have you won prizes?

Yeah, along the way, I've...

'Cause I've been doing this for...
probably 25, 30 years.

Or less.
Or less!

How many of these competitions
do you think you've been in?

Impossible to count.

The first thing I ever won
was a remote-control car.

Oh, that's good.

And I remember at the time,
I was so excited when I won it.

Because it was the same
remote-control car

that they used to have
on 'Cartoon Connection'.

These remote-control cars
were, like, 400 bucks.

I could never afford one.

And I won and it was the most
exciting day. It was incredible.

And my mum always had this motto,

which was, "You gotta be
in it to win it."

She didn't invent that. I'm sure
others have used that motto.

It's funny, because my mum
had a motto, which was,

"Don't be in it,
it's not gonna work out well."

What was your most recent
competition that you've entered?

Well, the most recent one
I entered...

See, I've sort of
handed the torch on

to my son, who's eight.

And we entered a competition
which was in a Bluey magazine.

And we did a 25 words or less
so he could win

the full Bluey family,
the stuffed toys.

What was the best one?

Like, the one that you got to
that 25th word and thought,

"That's perfect.

"Like, this may be the greatest
thing I've ever done."

Um, I did one as a joke once.
It was unsuccessful.

But there was a cruise available.

And I said, uh,

"Please give me this prize
of this cruise.

"I've always wanted to have
diarrhoea on the high seas."

Hey, Charlie, what sort of
strike rate have you got?

Of diarrhoea on the high seas?

Yeah.
What's your strike rate?

Oh, very poor. Very poor.
Oh!

I maybe won one thing
every year and a half to two years.

Tell me your top three places
for finding

25 words or less
competitions to enter.

'OK!' magazine.

'Take 5' magazine.

'That's Life!'
And back alleys.

Yeah. (LAUGHS)

It's gone underground these days!

Uh, Charlie's team?

Where are we...
I think it's true.

Frank's team?

I think it's true.

Press your buzzer.
Press your buzzer.

Yeah.

I think this is a well-tailored lie
for Charlie Pickering.

I think it's a lie.
COURTNEY: I think so too.

OK, so we think that it's a lie.
Yep.

Charlie Pickering, is that story true
or a lie?

(LAUGHS) Well! Joke's on you.

And me. Uh...

That story is...a lie.

(CHIMING)
Yeah.

It is, of course, a lie.

Charlie's too busy winning at life to
slum it as a prize pig, am I right?

Yeah...

(LAUGHTER)

Frank, it's over to you.

(BUZZER)

For my first ever
paid public performance,

I was asked to take off my clothes.

NATH: Oh, here we go!
Ooh!

See, in our world, that's weird.

But in clowning world,
that would win you an award.

I...

I...

What?

Let me make it clear - I like to
consider myself clown-adjacent.

So tell me... OK, your first
paid gig, where was the gig?

Hang on, but also... In the clowning
world, it's normal to get naked?

Is it?
From the shows I've seen...

(HONKS)

You know, you've got the one
with the balloons

and they pop and they keep
getting popped till...

I think that's burlesque.
Have you heard of burlesque?

In stereo!

Like, what gig makes...
wants Frank nude?

All of them.

Um, uh, life modelling.

Ahh!

So where... How old were you
at the time?

I think I was 17.

That's very different.
That's not a paid gig.

Yes, it is. You get paid
for life modelling.

No, I know. But it is very...

The idea that that is a performance.

That is very misleading!

That is a beautiful job
that I wanna do one day.

You haven't heard how
I life-modelled yet.

Maybe I put a bit of
pizzazz into it.

So when you say...

"Stand still! I'm trying to draw..."

"Stand still! I'm gonna have
to rub one out."

He's very good.

Talk us through how the mechanics
of the class worked.

Is everyone surrounding you in 360?
Are you...

Um, yeah, there was only
about eight people there.

I think probably six of them
were middle-aged women

and then there was two
middle-aged chaps there.

Did you get to see the drawings
at the end of it?

I did, and I have to admit

I was really quite pleased.

Flattered?
I was flattered.

I was a really very,
very skinny person.

Like, I was so skinny, if you
hugged me, you could get a cut.

You know?

And...but they made me
kind of a little more manly.

I was quite happy.

Can you, um, please
show us the pose?

Well, see, this is
the mistake I made.

Like, the first pose I went for...

'Cause I thought
I want it to be really...

..interesting for them to...

Arty.

So I think the first pose I went
for was something like...like that.

And then I discovered that
I had to hold it for 10 minutes.

So my second pose was...

(LAUGHTER)

Frank, just...just to help them out,

can you do it again but nude?

I was only 17.

And so I really thought that
the class would pretty much be

a group of people just going...

(LAUGHS WHEEZINGLY)

(WHEEZES) "It's so small!"

Frank, with respect, when I was 17,

I worked at Baker's Delight.

Did you ever think of maybe doing
that as a little nice little earner?

No, I did that nude as well.

(LAUGHTER)

What do you think, guys?

See, my thing is... OK.

One, it's a very believable story.

And I kind of believe him but then
I kind of don't, because...

I see you're acquainted
with the show, then.

Yes.

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

Stop clapping. Um...

No, as in, like, I...

I just don't think that
that was his first.

I feel like he's done it before.
I don't think he did it at 17.

I don't like that aspect of it.

Yeah, I find, like...

When you were 17...
Mm-hm?

Actually, don't.
Don't answer that.

No. Um...

I find it hard to believe that
there's eight people out there

that have a drawing
of Frank's penis...

..somewhere in the garage.

Call me crazy, but I think
you're gonna lock in a lie.

Yeah. I mean, I want it
to be true, but...

Same.
..we believe it to be a lie.

Frank Woodley, is that story true
or a lie?

That story is true.

(CHIMING)
Oh!

Very quickly. Hang on.

Very quickly.

Where's my camera? This one?

If you are one of
the eight Australians

with a drawing of
Frank Woodley's penis,

send it to Channel 10 -
what's your email address?

It is true - for one time only,
Frank went the full Woodley.

Stick around, won't you,
for more Would I Lie To You?

Welcome back. Our next round
is called This Is My...

where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.

This week, each of Charlie's team
will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection
to the guest

and it's up to Frank's team to spot
who's telling the truth.

All clear?
(SHOUTS) Good luck!

Hah! So please, without further ado,

welcome this week's special guest,
Christina.

Nath Valvo, who is Christina to you?

Uh, Christina and I met
in a very weird way.

We were once actually
in an ill-fated flash mob.

Steph, who is Christina to you?

This is Christina.

Together, we have composed
over 100 songs

with titles including 'Millipedes',
'Cheese' and 'Oil Spill Kids'.

OK. And Charlie, what is
Christina's connection to you?

This is Christina.
She's my personal trainer.

But she dropped me as a client
for being too chatty.

Alright, so there we have it.

Is Christina
Nath's ill-fated flash mobber,

Steph's songwriting soul mate

or Charlie's impatient PT?

Frank's team,
let's start with Charlie.

How long ago, Charlie?
About...18 months ago.

During lockdown, was it?

No, it was between... Between
pandem... Like, I... During...

Charlie broke lockdown.
Charlie broke lockdown.

Bring him in! Bring him in.

No, during the first lockdown,
I was really unfit.

Didn't exercise enough at all.

But Christina, we had about
six sessions together

and then we stopped.

And that was the thing -
we were talking so much,

I wasn't working out much at all,

and Christina's a professional
and she was, like,

"Do you know what? Let's...

"Like, we're not actually doing
enough working out."

What were you chatting about?

Uh, 'The Bachelor'.

So the thing is Christina
loves 'The Bachelor'

and I'm a massive fan of
'The Bachelor' as well.

Name three American Bachelors.

Chad.
NATH: Tom.

Tom. And...

Andrew.
No.

What...what?
I'm giving you names.

Yeah, I know they're names.

Nath is coaching Charlie.

Wouldn't she have just said to you,

"Um, hey, Charlie,
a little less of the chatting"?

And then you just disregarded that?

Yeah, pretty much,
because I wasn't that fit

and I was kind of procrastinating
in the workout.

So Christina asked you to stop
chatting and actually work harder.

You ignored that. Is that because
she's a woman or is that because...

Why did you...
Why did you not listen?

Also, were you talking so much
because you were so deeply lonely?

I'm...

No, I'm...
COURTNEY: That got dark.

I'm married with children.
I...I dream of being alone.

Have you found another
personal trainer -

maybe who's a man -
who you listen to?

We got him! We got him.

We got him.

FRANK: Yeah, he's on the ropes.

I'm not sure you understand
the point of the game.

What we do is we go into the studio.

Regardless of what happens, we try
to destroy your reputation.

Alright. I reckon move onto Nath.

Just tell us what a flash mob is
for those people who don't know.

A flash mob is when
a group of people start doing

a perfectly in-time dance in public

and everyone else in the area

doesn't know that it was
about to start.

And you film it and you go viral,
blah, blah, blah.

Can you also tell us
what an emoji is?

We're just...
We're just catching up.

What happened?

Eight or nine years ago, I was on
the street team of a radio station.

Drive the cars around
and give out cans of Coke.

And one day at Fed Square,
the competition was

for someone to do a flash mob,

to try and get strangers to do
the flash mob with them.

And if they got the best one,

it was, like, a trip to Fiji
or somewhere like that.

And Christina did that.

But on the day, it went a bit wrong

and people thought she was,
like, a crazy person on drugs,

'cause she was running around,
trying to get people

to do the flash mob,
and the police were called.

Ooh.

'Cause isn't the whole point of
a flash mob that it's a mob?

Whereas if you're,
like, a flash...uno,

like, it's not really the...

So wouldn't there have been
a group of people

doing her dance moves with her?

That was the point
of the competition.

She had to get strangers
to join in the flash mob.

Oh, I see.

You would have had, like, a hype
spiel that they used to do.

You had, like...

Do you want me to do my...
Yeah, sorry.

I don't believe you. So...

Strap in, everyone.

Hey, guys! This is
Casanova Nath Valvo.

We're down here at Fed Square.

The first 15 people down here
walk away with a free can of Coke.

See ya soon!
CHRISSIE: That's pretty good!

CHARLIE: Story checks out.

COURTNEY: Can of Coke's a bit shit.

I...I strapped myself in for that

and I didn't think it was
worth it, to be honest.

So you said that people thought
that she was a crazy person

and she was arrested?

She wasn't arrested,
but the police did arrive

to try and work out what
was going on, 'cause they were...

We assume that one of
the restaurant owners

or someone at Fed Square
was annoyed.

And did she bail out
at that point or...

We had to cancel. We had to stop.
The police arrived.

I thought she might have gotten
the police doing the thing

and then she would have won, like,
THREE cans of Coke or something.

Let's move onto Steph. Remind us
again who Christina is to you, Steph.

We have...

..written songs.

Songs together.

Um...

With some wacky names.

Like?

(LAUGHTER)

'Oil Spill Kids', 'Cheese'
and 'Millipedes'.

Is that one song or is that
three songs?

That's three separate songs.
Obviously.

OK!

No, what we do is, um,

we just egg each other on
to improvise songs.

Did you have a name for
the little outfit,

the two of you together -
like, a band name?

Um, it's Christ...

..Keeny Step Bop.

(LAUGHTER)

I'm sorry, say that again?

Keeny Step Bop.

It's the pause before 'Bop'
that makes it truly...

..truly believable.

How do you know Christina?

We went to high school together.
OK.

Just give us a quick refrain
from 'Millipedes'.

(SINGS) # Millipedes have
milli-needs... #

They have little milli-needs.

Millipedes have little milli-needs.

They're from the...antipodes.

We're very good.

Um, 'Cheese' was about, um,
fighting over cheese.

(SINGS) # We fought over cheese... #
That was the chorus.

The chor...

The chorus was...
(SINGS) # We fought over cheese... #

Literally, yeah.

So did you really...
(SINGS) # Fight over cheese? #

Guys, we... (SINGS)
# Fought over cheese... # so much.

What happened when you...
(SINGS) # Fought over cheese? #

No, what I wanna know is...
(SINGS) # What sort of cheese? #

Alrighty, we do need an answer.

Frank's team, is Christina

Nath's ill-fated flash mobber,

Steph's songwriting soul mate

or Charlie's impatient PT?

I think it's either
Charlie or Steph.

I think it's...
I think Charlie's telling the truth.

That Christina is his former PT.

Really? I didn't think
that was true at all.

I didn't think...

But I think the flash mob...

That feels very commercial radio
to me as well.

So...I'm finding it...

What an incredible web
the three of us have woven.

Yes!

I think I'm gonna make a captain's
call and we're gonna go with Steph.

With Steph? Alright.
AUDIENCE: Oooh!

Christina, please reveal
your true identity.

Um, I'm Christina,

and together, Steph and I created
over 100 songs

including 'Cheese', 'Millipedes'
and 'Oil Spill Kids'.

How wonderful! It's true.

Thank you very much, Christina.

Thank you.

Thanks!

Stick around for more
Would I Lie To You?

This is Would I Lie To You?
Steph, it's your time to shine.

OK.

In my family,

instead of using the word 'swim',

we say 'oompenshnook'.

(LAUGHTER)

Yeah, oompen... Yeah, oompenshnook.

Oompenshnook!

Do you need any further
kind of discussion

about the pronunciation of the word
or are you...?

Oompenshnook?

Oom-KEN-shnook.

Oom-KEN-shnook.
Oh, that changes everything.

Maybe. Got that.

Is this a word that is used in any
other place other than your family?

Absolutely not.
Have you ever heard it?

No.

So, what's another example of

something that is very
unique to your family?

Honestly, we could be here forever.

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS) OK.

Do you know, from the Muppets,
Super Grover?

Yes.

So when he introduces himself,
he goes, "Su...per Grover!"

And there's quite a long gap between
'Su...' and '..per Grover'.

And...
(LAUGHTER)

In my family, we have competitions

to see who can go the longest
without saying '..per Grover'.

My brother has not said
'..per Grover' in over 15 years.

We just take everything too far.

So it just started as, like,
"Su...per Grover'.

Then it was, like, "Su..." Then, at
the end of dinner, "..per Grover."

Then my brother was, like, "Su..."

"It'll be the last thing
I'll say on my death bed."

There's a lot of things that are
very specific to my family,

but 'oomkenshnook'
is our only new word.

I wanna know - what is the origin
of 'oomkenshnook'?

Yeah.

We had a pool in the backyard.
NATH: Look out! Fancy!

Thank you.

And basically,
for 'safety' or something,

we had to tell our parents
whenever we were going for a swim.

And we got sick of going,
"Mum and Dad, can we go for a swim?"

And so we all invented the word
where we would just go,

"Mum and Dad, when we yell
'oomkenshnook',

"you know that we're going
for a swim,

"and therefore can
check on us later."

(LAUGHTER)

CHARLIE: I've got a question.
Yeah.

Can I be adopted by your family?

Abso-fucking-lutely.

How often would you oomkenstook?

Like, every fucking day!
I'm from Brisbane, it's hot!

We used to play...

We had this game called Loch Ness
Monster, which was just basically...

The pool was green because
Dad didn't clean it.

And we would just have to
swim to the other side without...

Yeah, we did a lot of weird things.

Very strange family. I don't know
why I told them so many things.

I've got this image of,
like, this green water

and then suddenly you just see,
like, a little bit of movement.

Yeah.
And then a face pops up and goes,

"..per Grover!"

It could! That is what being
at the Tisdell family is like!

You are welcome!

Steph, have you explained this to
a new generation of Tisdells?

Like, are there little ones
that are saying oomkenshnook now?

No. No, there aren't, actually.

It can't die with you, Steph!

I'm probably gonna call my brother
as soon as this is over and go,

"I need to speak to
my niece and nephews."

But they don't have a pool. Poor!

No, I'm joking!

I'm kidding, I'm kidding!

I'm so kidding!

Steph, I've also gotta ask, like,

"We're swimming"

seems a lot easier to say than

"We're oomken..."

No, we don't say,
"We're oomkenshnooking."

We say, "Oomkenshnook',
which means 'we're swimming'.

CHARLIE: It's almost like...

It almost encapsulates, "Hey, Mum,
hey, Dad, we're going for a swim."

"We love you, we're grateful
for everything you do for us.

"Please make sure
that we don't drown."

"Maybe clean the pool occasionally,
Dad."

Yeah. Mm-hm.

That's what 'oomkenshnook' means,
yes.

Do you remember
who came up with the word?

No, I don't, actually.
It was quite collaborative.

I'm the youngest, so...
Quite collaborative?

I'm gonna go. Oom!
Ken!

Shnook!

That's it. Yeah.

What do you think, Frank's team?

You've got so many things
running through your mind,

you're just oomkenshnooking

with thoughts that are
competing in your mind.

I think it's true, but I'm gonna
feel really silly...

..if it's...if it's a lie.

Well, heaven forbid you should
become a comedian and feel silly.

Let's try to avoid that
at all costs.

Courtney, you look unsure.

I mean, 'oomkenshnook',
it sounds sort of...

Does it sound like a word
that kids would make up?

I think it does. It sort of
sounds German as well.

Do you have any German
in your family?

Lots.
No?

You can look at me.
You know the answer.

Very German-looking, so...

It'd be so good -

like, right now in Austria, there's
this little town called Oomkenshnook

and whenever they go for a swim,
they call it a 'Tisdell'.

It's amazing.

I think it's... I think it's true.
I'm happy to go true.

Alright, we're locking in true?
We're saying true.

Alright. Steph, is that story true
or a lie?

It's true.
(CHIMING)

Brave! Brave.

Every single thing that
I've just told is totally true.

It's true!

That was fun not knowing whether
Steph would sink or oomkenshnook.

See you soon for more
Would I Lie To You?

With full episodes on 10 play.

It's time to ramp up the pace
and play Quick Fire Lies.

These guests have no idea

what they're about to read
on the card in front of them.

It could be a true tale
from their life

or a tall tale we just made up.

Peter Helliar, you're next.

Ooh!
(BUZZER)

OK.

I haven't returned to
my children's school

since I humiliated myself
hosting a fundraiser.

STEPH: True.

OK, what went so horrendously wrong?

CHARLIE: Mmm.

So it was a comedy night.

And it wasn't funny!

And I booked Frank.

COURTNEY: Ohh!

As I get older, I...
My bladder's not...

It's not as sturdy...
as it used to be.

And I'd had a few drinks.

And I... I took to the stage.

And there was an auction, which I
didn't know I was gonna be doing.

And so I thought I was gonna
introduce the auctioneer,

get off, have a wee.

And, um, I had to stay around
to do the auction.

How long did the auction go for?

Too long.
Officially, too long, Frank.

It went for about half an hour.

I usually wear a darker jean, to
be honest, and that made it worse.

Do you wear a darker jean
because you often piss yourself?

Perhaps psychologically,
yes, Chrissie.

Um, how far into the auction
did you know you were in trouble?

Oh, well, it happened at about...

..the 17, 18 minute mark.

I realised, when
I got back to the stage,

and I was kind of hoping
that it wasn't as bad.

I didn't wanna even look down.

Like, I thought, maybe it's just...

Maybe it's just undie
and it hasn't gone through...

Yeah!

..gone through the undies.

Maybe it hasn't made the jean.

You wear plastic undies, do you?

Was it a little squirt
or was it a full release?

It was a potato patch.

Yes.

It's like somebody had a wet
tennis ball and threw it into my...

See, what I do if I'm feeling that,

I just tie a knot in it until later.

And to be honest, what I did,
I just kinda, like...

I went like this. I kinda went...

Just... And then...

Yeah!
I thought, "Nah."

Which isn't a great deal better,
is it?

Uh, Charlie, what do you think?
Well, I think it's shameful.

Yes.

I think it's definitely
embarrassing.

It's shameful and embarrassing,
but is it true or a lie?

I don't believe it.
You don't believe it?

No, I don't. I reckon
he needed to go and didn't.

How about you?

I'm doubtful,
'cause I have done this gig before

and it's an insane evening.

These are tired parents
on the white wines at 5pm.

Like, it's chaos
in that school hall.

So are you saying just everybody's
just weeing themselves?

Just piss everywhere.

So, but... Pete's a professional.

I'll go with my teammates.

We are gonna say that is a lie.

Peter Helliar, is this true
or is it a lie?

It is...

..a lie.
(CHIMING)

Yes!

It is, of course, a lie,
but what a pisser!

Courtney, you're on.
(BUZZER)

I was held hostage by the worst
dance routine I ever saw.

Sorry - how do you get
held hostage by a dance?

Mmm.

Well, there was a...
a sword involved.

Aha!
Where were you when this happened?

I was in Brisbane.

Narrow it down to a place.

It was in the person's home.

I was working as
a door-to-door salesperson

for a cable television company.

Hmm!

So I knocked on the front door

and a lady answered,

and I was sort of giving her
the spiel about

the different packages
that you could get.

And she was, uh, a little...

..theatrical and enthusiastic.

And halfway, sort of, like,
through the process,

she was, like, "I've got this sword.
Wanna see it?"

And pulled out the sword.

And it was sort of like...
It was a dance, because...

Ooh.
Oh, my God, be careful!

She was like this,
and I was sort of, like...

Oh, my God, I'm so nervous
of the shoes.

..trying not to get stabbed
by the sword.

Um, and she wouldn't let me
leave the house

and I was quite in fear of my life.

I just wanna get a bit of a picture
of the person with the sword.

She was a shorter woman

who had short, coloured hair

and she was a little sort of, like,
on the edge.

And pulled the sword, like,
off the shelf and pulled it out

and was sort of brandishing it
at me.

What sort of sword was it?
Not a samurai sword?

It WAS a samurai sword, actually.

I wish I hadn't said that.
It feels...

Charlie's team, what do you think?

I've been in situations like that,

and I always go,
"If I'm nice, it's safer."

And I feel like a woman
who was a bit unhinged

would be, like, "Watch me dance!"
I'm just into it.

So you think it's true because you
can imagine that happening to you.

Literally, yes.

So you think it's possible.

It's plausible because
that is my every day, yes.

OK. Now...

How about you, Nath?
Is that your every day?

No, but I'm leaning towards true

because I have a couple of aunties
with short, coloured hair

and that wouldn't surprise me
if they had a sword.

The sword...I don't buy.
OK.

So are you going against your team,
Charlie?

Alright, I'm gonna say
that is a lie.

OK. Courtney Act, is that true
or a lie?

It is...true.

(CHIMING)
Oh!

She got you a good'un. It is true.

I've heard of cutting a rug,
but that is ridiculous.

Stick around for more
Would I Lie To You?

Next round is Could It Be?,

where our teams are given
a general statement

that has nothing to do with them

and they must decide
whether it's lies or legit.

Frank's team, over to you.

Here's your statement.

Wimbledon umpires are given
a list of swear words

in different languages.

True or a lie?

It'd be a lot of languages
to get your head across.

Never seen a tennis player have
a tantrum and the ref go...

And also, in Brazilian,

this...this also is, like,
"You're an arsehole."

So that'd be confusing.

If the umpire made a call
and a Brazilian player went...

Like, is that worthy of
getting a fine?

In Bolivia, this...

..means, "Your balls are
bigger than your brain."

So in traffic, like, if somebody
makes...they go, "Ehh!"

That means "Your balls are
bigger than your brain"?

Which is either insulting
to your brain

or complementary to your balls.

Who wants big balls?
Is that a thing?

Are men, like, "Oh, me dick's small,
but, man, I've got some big balls!"

I'm sure... I'm sure some men
are saying that, yes.

You know, I've finally realised
what the problem is.

I always thought my dick was small

but it's just
I've got massive balls.

I'm gonna look at it like that
from now on.

It's like Frank's sitting on
a space hopper down here, seriously.

Um, alright, I'm gonna need
an answer. True or a lie?

OK. You think...

Um, l-l-l-lie.

I feel like it's the intent.

You'd know, even if it was the
wrong language, that someone was

YELLING AT YOU AGGRESSIVELY!

It would be more about the intent.

I wouldn't be shocked if it was
true, but I'm gonna go lie.

Well, all I can say
to you guys is...

We're going with that it's a lie.

Ooh, that takes some...

Bounce on your balls twice
if you think it's true.

It is, in fact...

(CHIMING)
..true.

I knew it, I knew it.

Yeah, Wimbledon umpires
are cussing connoisseurs.

There you go.
Charlie's team, your turn.

(ARCHLY) Yes?

The statement is "Queen Elizabeth II
was the first monarch

"to request fairy bread
at a state dinner."

Fairy bread is very Australian.
Oh, yeah.

How many people do they have
at those state dinners?

Are there hundreds and thousands?

You are an absolute...

Frank, you are the absolute...
You are the best.

So the Queen requesting fairy bread
at a state function.

Yes, state dinner.
I just think this is bullshit.

At a state dinner.

But I can see the Queen
wanting to impress Australia

and say that, you know, "I get
you guys, even though I'm useless."

Kind of in my head, I'd love to see
her bored at a dinner, just going,

"Who do you have to fuck to get
some fairy bread around here?"

(LAUGHS)
I just think that it's...it's crap.

Yeah, but also, have you had
British food? It's almost a step up.

Actually, Nath, I don't know
if you know this,

but I've been forced to have
British food by YOUR PEOPLE!

No, I'm kidding!

Hang on.

It sounds like you're erring
on the side of a...lie?

I'm leaning towards lie,
but Nath's leaning towards true.

I'm leaning towards true.
Captain's call.

Captain's call is that
it is...a lie.

It is actually...

..a lie.
(CHIMING)

Yes!
You are absolutely spot-on.

NATH: I'm happy I was wrong!

We all know Her Maj,
may she rest in peace,

was a Chiko Roll gal.

Yeah, she was one of
the Chiko Roll girls.

Do you remember the photo of her
on a Harley-Davidson

going, "Get some of that"?

It was actually those posters
that led me

to discover that I could
get an erection.

I think I got my first erection
on a Friday night

with the family
getting fish and chips.

(BUZZER)
Oh, that noise signals...

That noise signals it's
the end of the show. Boo!

I can reveal, though,
tonight's winner is...

..Frank's team.

Yes!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

Congratulations, you lot.

That's it for Would I Lie To You?
Thank you so much for watching.

And remember, speak truth from the
heart and lies through your teeth.

Goodnight.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

Captions by Red Bee Media