Would I Lie to You? (2022–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - Episode #2.5 - full transcript

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Greetings. I'm Chrissie Swan,
and welcome to Would I Lie To You? -

the show where the fact of the matter
is the facts don't matter.

Let's meet our players, shall we?

As a TV host
he's comfortable with breaking news,

but he's here tonight
to bend some truths -

team captain, Charlie Pickering!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Hmm... OK.

Alongside Charlie is an award-winning
comedian and birdwatcher.

Please welcome Geraldine Hickey!



(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Also joining Charlie

is an actor who's been part
of so many iconic TV shows,

his face practically screams,
"Look at me."

(LAUGHTER)
Look at m-e-e-e-e-e.

It's Pete Rowsthorn!

Oh, hello, everybody.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

And captain of our second team -
it's comedian Frank Woodley.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

On Frank's team is a comedian

who has tattooed on his chest
a game of tic tac toe.

Former girlfriends say it's the
only exes he has close to his heart.

Welcome, Tommy Little.

Hello!



(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Finally, she's a music guru, deejay

and the voice
of Aunt Trixie on Bluey -

it's Myf Warhurst.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Here's how we play -

our teams will take turns
reading stories,

it's up to the opposing team

to determine
whether the story is true or a lie.

The team
with the most correct guesses wins.

So, to round one, Home Truths,

where panellists read out a statement
from the card in front of them.

To make things harder,

they've never seen the card before,

so, they've got no idea
what they'll be faced with.

Charlie, you are up first tonight.
OK.

I once asked a plastic surgeon
to give me the nose of Ed Norton.

Oh!
(LAUGHTER)

Frank's team,
where do you want to start?

Ed Norton is who?

Yeah!

(LAUGHTER)

Probably best known
for the movie Fight Club.

Mm.
He plays Jack in Fight Club.

Yep.
Who is like the...

He's not Brad Pitt.
Yeah.

FRANK: Was that the mistake?
You wanted...

"Make me look like the guy
from Fight Club,"

and you went, "No, the other guy!"

(LAUGHTER)

What was it about Ed's nose
that made you think "Mine"?

Um... Well,
I thought it was realistic.

'Cause what happened, I had a
broken nose, it was quite messed up,

and the surgeon
who was fixing my nose,

I'd never thought of this before,

but he said, "We can do other stuff
with your nose.

"Is there anyone
whose nose you like?"

I think you missed an opportunity.

I would have been
straight to Adrien Brody.

(LAUGHTER)

TOMMY: What was it that your nose...

What... Why did you break your nose?

How did you break...
Tommy?

Sorry. I'm so sorry.

It's the first time
I've ever asked a question.

(LAUGHTER)

Let me... Let me...
Yeah! Yeah!

Let me have another go.

Charlie, what is nose?

(LAUGHTER)

I'll have one more attempt at that.
How did you break your nose?

I was assaulted.

Oh!
I'm so sorry.

And, so... In what would
later in the press

be described as a coward punch.

But at the time
it was just getting hit.

Did you always want to go
for a celebrity nose

or did you ever at any point think,

"I might just get my best friend's
nose and freak him out"?

Would that weird you out
if I got your nose?

Shit, yeah.
(LAUGHTER)

Hang on, if you're getting something
of Pete's,

you're not getting the nose,
you're getting the ears for sure.

(LAUGHTER)

Hey...

What? Get his nose
and walk around like regular people?

Get his ears and fly away!

(LAUGHTER)
Hey!

Why am I getting picked on?!
Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

You know, you could've
gotten yourself a chin bum.

Like, check that out.
Oh!

Yeah.
Like, while you're in there...

One of the sexiest...
Oh, my Lord, you do too.

I could swipe a card in that.
(LAUGHTER)

Because you're fully dressed
but ever so slightly nude

when you've got the chin bum.

Charlie, your new nose, how is it
different from your old nose?

Well, it's Edward Norton's nose.
It's a bit more Edward Norton-ish.

Did you wake up from surgery
and go, "Who am I?"

No.

'Cause...

There was a bandage on it.
'Cause they fixed my nose,

they didn't take my brain out

and put someone else's brain
into my head.

Charlie, can I please ask a question
about the horrible crime?

And I'm sorry it happened to you.

I believe that's why we're here.

Yes.

Did the person get charged?

No, they didn't.

Were they not found or did they just
decide that, well, you deserved it?

I did know who it was...
You DID?

..but they were a high-school kid,

and I just thought, you know...

"I'll get him later."
Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

That's right.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

I love it. Alright.

Is Charlie telling a lie
or is that the truth?

Look, I think it's a barefaced lie.

OK.
I think it's absolute balderdash.

I've never heard anything
less believable in my life.

OK, great.

It seems like someone's really
making a captain's call on this one.

It doesn't seem like you've left us
a lot of wiggle room there, Frank.

But you think it's true?

I just don't think
Charlie would lie to us.

(LAUGHTER)

MYF: That is so sweet.
You are very wrong.

And if he does,
I'm gonna break that fucking nose!

(LAUGHTER)

Myf, what do you think?
I don't know.

I'm feeling like it's true,
I feel like around that time,

you know, I think a lot of men
wanted to look like...

Edward Norton?
..whatever his name is.

Edward Norton.
(LAUGHTER)

Whilst it would be lovely to believe
you could go to the plastic surgeon

and just get made
to look like the person...

Like, I think you've been watching
too much Face/Off.

I think...
No, but, like...

..what happens at a plastic surgeon
is they go,

"I think we can make you
look like a person."

No, no, no, no...
Have you not seen Botched?

What the fuck
do you think I looked like before?!

(LAUGHTER)

I'm gonna need an answer, guys.
Alright.

True.

True!
True.

So, we're gonna... I'm not...
You can make a captain's call.

No, I'm not gonna go
against my team.

We're gonna say it true.
Alright.

Charlie, is that story true
or a lie?

It is a...

..true.

Yay!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Wow!
Yeah.

Edward Norton!

I've got to admit,

when Frank said,
"OK, we're going true,"

in my head I went,
"You're an idiot, Frank."

(LAUGHTER)

It is, of course, true.

However, Charlie broke
the one rule of Ed Norton's nose -

you do not talk about
Ed Norton's nose!

I've got so many more questions.
(LAUGHTER)

But do we have time?

We don't have time for my shit.
We don't have time.

We could be friends.

I don't see it working.

(LAUGHTER)

Tommy, you are next. It's your turn.

Ooh!
Read the card.

Do you know how to read?

(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

Yeah!

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Doctors had to intervene when I got
too caught up in a wellness fad.

Ooh!

Charlie's team,
where do you want to start?

What was the wellness fad?

It was drinking juice.

What kind of juice?

It was solely carrot juice.

Could you see better at night-time?

(LAUGHTER)

How many carrots
go into a litre of carrot juice?

I don't want to brag, Chrissie,
but I bought the juice. No idea.

Oh, you didn't make it yourself?
No.

Why did you choose the juice?

I had pneumonia,

and my friend told me
to drink carrot juice

and sit in the sun.

Did you think
of going to a hospital?

(LAUGHTER)

I thought about
getting a better friend.

PETE:
Why did you get obsessed with it?

What was it doing to you
to make you feel so good

that you couldn't shake it off?

Because I thought
if I'd stopped, I'd die.

And, so, for years

I drank a litre of carrot juice
a day.

And what? Were there any particular
symptoms that started to emerge?

I turned slightly orange.

(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

Who told you
to stop drinking so much...

"You've gone too far, Tommy.
You've gone too far."
Who said, "You've gone too far"?

The doctor.

Not your friend?

You didn't know you were orange?
But you still went to the...

Was being orange the only reason
you went to the doctor?

I thought I had a healthy glow.

Right.
And then...

But, so, why go to the doctor?
No, I went to the doctor...

"I've got healthy glow, Doc.
Look at me."

(LAUGHTER)

Did you just swing by to show off?

Yeah.

To all the sick people
in the waiting room,

going, "This is what it looks like
when you get it right!"

No, I went to the doctor
for something completely unrelated,

and it was the middle of winter,

and the doctor said,
"You're a bit orange."

And then he quizzed me about it
a bit more

and he suggested that, perhaps,
a litre of carrot juice a day

was too much.

(LAUGHS) Are you finished here?

Do you think you've got an inkling

as to whether or not
this is true or a lie?

Jez, what do you reckon?

How are you feeling about Tommy
and his house of carrot lies?

Yeah, I think...
I reckon he's full of it.

Carrot?
Carrot juice.

Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

And, undeniably,
he is a bit of a smoothie.

Weh!

No, but it was juice.

(LAUGHTER)

Sorry. You're my captain.
Great! Good one!

CHARLIE: Pete, you seem to...
You seem to not believe.

(LAUGHTER)

I mean, he can't even...
(LAUGHTER)

He can't even bring himself
to look at you.

(LAUGHTER)

He can't even bring himself
to use words.

After...
He's not gonna waste his breath.

After all we've been through
together, Rowsthorn.

I feel sick. I feel physically sick.
You know what you need?

What?
Carrot juice.

(LAUGHTER)

I believe he's fibbing.

Well, you can't argue
with abject disgust.

No, you cannot.

So, we're gonna say that that...

..is a lie.

Ooh. Tommy Little,
is that true or is it a lie?

It is...

..true.

Oh!
Ohh!

(APPLAUSE)

Coming up - what makes Geraldine
take lying a little too literally?

Please let out a little tiny fart.

(LAUGHTER)

Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?

Next up - Geraldine Hickey.

GERALDINE: Oh, yep.

I rolled out of a moving car
because I was scared of a spider.

(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

Frank's team.

Have you always been scared
of spiders?

Actually, no.

And it's a recent thing.

I've got a joke about huntsmans,

and when I started doing this joke
about huntsmans, that made it worse.

What is the joke?

It starts with,

"I once knew a guy
who was sitting on a toilet

"and a huntsman
landed on his penis."

MYF: No.
Yeah.

And if you want to find out
the punchline,

go see Geraldine Hickey.

Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

It was like, you know,

you don't need to have a penis
to know that that's not fun.

Yeah.
OK.

That's true.

And the closest I can get
to understanding

what that might be like

is maybe
if a huntsman landed on my mons.

(LAUGHTER)

Well, that's exactly where I went.
Yeah.

And, so, for those that don't...

'Mons' isn't like,
oh, some fancy term for...

Like, the mons pubis -
that mound on top.

Yes.
Mm.

The Volkswagen boot, bonnet.

Yeah. The hood.
Yeah. And...

(LAUGHTER)

I'm sure the secret's in the title -
it's hunts-MAN.

You know what you've gotta
look out for? The hunts-mons.

Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)

They're hungry for it.

They love it.
They're dangerous.

(APPLAUSE)

And then because I was doing
this joke all the time

and kind of thinking about huntsmans
and imagining them acting it out,

like, on my mons,

and just...
No!

(LAUGHTER)

PETE: Flicking it off your mons.
CHARLIE: Yeah.

You know...
Did you...

'Cause there's hair on my mons...

(LAUGHTER)

..and the hair on the huntsman...

Mm.

Because the hair on my moms
is quite coarse, curly...

Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)

..and the huntsman, it has, like,
very small, fine hair...

Yep.

..and, so...that's Velcro.
Stick. Yeah.

So...

That's true.
Stickle Bricks.

Like a Stickle Brick.
Yeah. It really sticks.

Scientifically,
you can't argue with that.

Yeah.

Jez, I've just got a quick question
about your driving.

When you're driving
are you mons-out at the time?

(LAUGHTER)

Well, sometimes, but...

Isn't there a famous car race
called Le Mans?

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

I think
we should end the show there.

Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous.

Let's put you in your car and work
out what happened in this story.

OK, so, just driving back
from the beach where I live

and, yeah, it was just...
and it's, like, a dirt road,

and, so, you can't go too fast
anyway.

And we were driving along
and then there was actually a dog

that ran out in front of the car,

slammed on the brakes for the...
to avoid hitting the dog,

but leapt forward, and then
that's when the huntsman fell down.

Agh!

You don't know!
You just grabbed your mons
and got out!

Yeah!
(LAUGHTER)

So, the dog's dead now, is it?
No, no, no.

The car... The car stopped. Yeah.

So, you said
you jumped out of a rolling car.

A moving car. Well, yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

Because, you know...

You know jumping out of a car
that's NOT moving

is just getting out of a car?

Yeah.

Frank's team, what do we think?

Oh, look, I'm feeling
like I was believing it

until it became apparent
that the car had stopped.

And then you got out of the car

rather than rolling out
of a moving car.

That which felt that...

Yes, I think...I think
even if it's true, it's a lie.

(LAUGHTER)
I don't...

Because it started...

It started with,
"I jumped out of a moving car,"

and then it became, "I fell
out of a car standing still."

Yeah, I think that happened, I think
there was a spider in the car,

but it feels
like we had to put the brakes on...

Do you know what, Myf?
I'm gonna take it even further.

I reckon there is no car.

Oh.
(LAUGHTER)

There's no spider.

I'm gonna go as far as to say

that Jez does not even have a mons.

(LAUGHTER)

Alright, I think it's unanimous
this is a lie?

It's a lie.

Geraldine Hickey,
is this true or is it a lie?

It is a big fat...

..lie.

Yeah!

(APPLAUSE)

It is a lie. I'm sad about that.

To any movie producers watching,

Geraldine does
all her own fake stunts.

Frank, it is your turn.

I was ejected from the Louvre

because of my habit
of touching artwork.

(LAUGHTER)
Oh!

Which artwork
did you get caught touching

that you had to...
that you got kicked out for?

Well, touching is an understatement.

Which painting did you fuck?

(LAUGHTER)

It wasn't sexual at all.

OK, so, what did you do?

Was it a piece of art
or a sculpture?

Was it something...
Yeah, it was an installation.

An installation sculpture
by a very famous Japanese artist.

It was all red threads...

Oh.

..red threads from the roof
to the ceiling

in a kind of...
It was very dreamlike.

Must have taken them,

like, if it was true,

it would have taken them
hours and hours to...

(LAUGHTER)

And I was just so swept away by it

and I was just sort of going,
"This is one of the most..."

I was almost moved to tears.

And then I noticed
the button on my jacket

had just gotten caught
in one of the little threads.

Right.

So, at what point did you fuck it?

(LAUGHTER)

I didn't fuck!
How...

I didn't fuck. I didn't fondle.
I touched.

OK, so, what happened next?

Have you ever touched something
that you didn't fuck?

I mean...

(LAUGHTER)

I would say...

I would say the vast majority of
things I've touched I didn't fuck.

It's, like, I touched...

It said on the card that
it was a habit of touching artwork.

Like, when did the touch...
(LAUGHTER)

Myf, Myf, wrong team.
Oh, shit.

(LAUGHTER)

No, well, that was because
that was the first incident

where I got told off.
OK. And you got the taste of it.

I got told off for that -

"Excuse me, sir,
please don't touch the artwork."

And I was like...
And the person had to help...

Is that really what they said?

I think they said...

Excusez-moi, monsieur!

Touches the artwork non!

(LAUGHTER)

Alright, has this been enough
of an interrogation?

I'm doubting it. I'm doubting it.
You're doubting it?

I'm doubting it.
Jez?

I feel like
he's done such a terrible job,

like, he's tried really hard to lie.

I think... Yeah, we are gonna say
it's a lie.

Yep.
It's a lie?

Alright, Frank Woodley,
is this true or is it a lie?

Oh, now I feel nervous.
It's so 50-50.

Geraldine's first suggestion
that behind this idiot

there's actually a genius
pulling the strings,

while actually
there's just another idiot.

It's a lie.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Well done.
Yeah!

It is a lie! Of course.

Frank's not cultured enough
to go to galleries.

(LAUGHTER)

Time for a break. We'll see you soon
on Would I Lie To You?

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?

Pete, you are up next.

PETE: OK.

Would I lie to you?

Sorry.

(LAUGHTER)

I competed in a weekly tug of war
competition with my team,

the Perth Tuggers.

(LAUGHTER)

That's a pretty juvenile name.

Yes. Sorry.
How old were you when this happened?

Oh, no, it's recent. It's, um...

(LAUGHTER)

I think I was about...
when I moved to Perth.

It was 2011 I started doing that.

I got together with a group
of people I'd met at the local pub

near me in South Fremantle

and we...there was a recent...
there was a...

Well, ask some more questions.

(LAUGHTER)

And you competed where?

We go to the local park.

To tug?

(LAUGHS) It was an arranged activity
because I was with a group...

Is that on an app or something
you arranged through?

Well, it was arranged at the pub
with a group of us.

At the pub?
So, after you've had a few drinks,

you say,
"Let's go to the park and tug"?

No. No.

(LAUGHTER)

Stop being immature.

We're all in a exercise group,
you know, in the mornings

at the South Beach Park,

and as an extra activity
within that

we started doing tug of war.

And we created our own little team

because there was at least three
groups in that park every day,

it's quite a large area,

and we decided to approach
the other team saying,

"Would you,
at the end of your session,

"challenge us to a tug of war?"

How is your form?

Like, do you stack up quite well?

Are you... Are you good?

I... As I said,
I've fallen off the whole thing,

the whole exercise bike,
to be honest,

because my knees
are a bit arthritic.

But at the time I could get
a nice low centre of gravity.

And, really from my position,

I wasn't the weight-bearer
at the end, I wasn't...

We used some of our more unfit
characters at the back there.

(LAUGHTER)
I was more of a mid-grip.

You were in the engine room.
In the engine room, in the mid-grip.

Is there something
that the layperson wouldn't know

about tug-of-war technique?

Like, is it just go as hard as you
can or is there tactics involved?

Getting off
to a nice, firm beginning as a unit.

Sitting back.
(LAUGHTER)

Sitting back into the position
as quickly as you can

and as settled you can as a unit
is very important.

If you're out of sync,
if you're out of time,

obviously the team can get a little
more traction a little quicker

and get maybe some momentum
going their way.

Do you get a tug injury?
Like a callus?

Can we see your hands?

(LAUGHTER)

So, yes. Yes, you can.

Alright, true or a lie?

I think I'm gonna start
tugging in the park.

Yeah.
You should!

I think it's so sweet
it could almost be true.

But you can't lie to me,
Pete Rowsthorn.

You'll break my heart.

(LAUGHTER)
What do you think?

Well, I've always suspected Pete
of tugging in the park

long before this show, so...

I think it's absolutely 100% true.

Ooh, we've got one true
and one lie.

I think it's true as well.
You're a true as well?

Yeah.
I'm sorry to go against you, Myf.

That's OK. Well, tuggers unite.

(LAUGHTER)

That's a good name.
That's a good name.

Locking in true?

Pete Rowsthorn,
is this true or a lie?

That is absolutely...

..a filthy lie.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

You've broken my heart!

Pete is NOT in the Perth Tuggers.

I could see it so clearly!

Myfanwy, you are next.

Mm!

(CHUCKLES)

I rented my cats
their own apartment in London.

Whoa!

Oh, dear God.

(LAUGHTER)

How many cats?

There were two at the time.

And what were their names?

It was Terri and Steve.

(LAUGHTER)

The... The Irwins?

(LAUGHTER)

How come your cats were in London?

Um...

Because... (LAUGHS)

..I moved there

and I thought
I was gonna live there,

so, I...I flew them over with me.

So, why didn't they live with YOU?

I...

(LAUGHS)

Myf, you're either
doing real good...

(LAUGHTER)

..or really bad.
It's my first time!

I like this technique of laughing to
give yourself thinking time as well.

(LAUGHTER)

Are your two cats,
are they fine in, like, a one-bedder

or did you have to get a two-bedder?

Well, it was a one-bedder,

but it was a kind of like
a studio situation.

Oh, yeah, they've got
to have a kitchen, of course.

Yeah, well, they had a kitchen
and a bathroom and a laundry.

Yeah. Yes, definitely.

Oh, I picture little cats
taking off their fur

and putting it
in the washing machine.

Then just watching it in the dryer
going whoom-whoom-whoom.

Trying to put it on,
"It's too small."

(LAUGHTER)

How long were the cats there
in the apartment for by themselves?

Six months.

Six months?
Wow, that was a long stay.

Who fed them?
Yeah.

A friend moved in. We had
to pay half the rent for the cats.

What?!

That's the first believable
thing that you've said.

(LAUGHTER)

What type of cats have you got?

Two greys. Moggies. Beautiful.
Beautiful fellas.

They loved the London lifestyle.

They really enjoyed the weather.

It's a bit cooler.

What was it about the lifestyle
that they loved?

I think it was just the freedom,
you know?

(LAUGHTER)

There was, you know...
They didn't have any of that baggage

of living at home, you know,
back in Australia.

No-one knew who they were.
Yeah.

They didn't have to go
to all those parties...

Yeah, and it was kind of like
a fresh start, you know?

You could be whoever you want to be.

You know, they could trot off
to London Fields nearby

and just, you know,
no-one would be judging them.

They didn't have any reputation.
They could just start fresh.

So, yeah,
they were living their best lives.

That was some fun nonsense, but I...

(LAUGHTER)

Charlie, what do you think?

I don't know what to think.
I know.

See, I suspect...

She was deflecting.
Feel free to chip in.

Yeah, she's deflecting, for sure.
Yeah, she was deflecting.

And I feel like the halting,
stumbling, confused,

often at times deranged
way of telling the story...

It was verging on insanity at times.

Yeah, verging on insanity.
It was. Not right.

And I believe
that that was all a ruse.

I'm gonna throw in a spanner.

You could have said "a cat
amongst the pigeons," but, anyway.

That's what I'm gonna do.

What's Myf's side hustle
that she can afford to rent?

Oh, the Spicks and Specks live tour
made a lot of money.

(LAUGHTER)

What do you think, guys?
True or a lie?

We will feel like idiots
when we're wrong,

but we're gonna say it's true.

Yep.
True?

Miss Warhurst,
is this story true or a lie?

It is, in fact...

I'm a dirty ruse. It's true.

Yeah!

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Well done! Myf, well done. Bravo.

Bravo.
Thank you. Thank you.

Beautifully done.
Wow.

What lucky cats. It is true.

And you'll be happy to know the cats
did manage to claw their bond back.

(LAUGHTER)

Stick around for more
Would I Lie To You?

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Welcome back.

Our next round is called This Is My,

where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.

Now, this week
each of Charlie's team

will claim it's them that has
the genuine connection to the guest.

It's up to you on Frank's team
to spot who's telling the truth.

So, please welcome
this week's special guest, Morag.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

So, Pete, who is Morag to you?

This is Morag.

She's the only person
who I let touch my feet.

(LAUGHTER)

Geraldine, who is Morag to you?

This is Morag and she will not
let me open my Christmas presents

until I've completed
a series of complicated challenges.

(LAUGHTER)

And, Charlie, last but not least,
who is Morag to you?

This is Morag.

Morag is my local lollipop lady,

and we have a disagreement
about how she uses her whistle.

(LAUGHTER)

Ooh.

Alright, so, there we have it -

is Morag Pete's preferred pedicurist,

Geraldine's game-playing Grinch

or Charlie's
controversial crossing cop?

Let's start with Pete.

So, Pete, Morag's your...

Podiatrist.
Podiatrist.

What sort of work
does Morag do on your feet?

Well, I had plantar fasciitis,
which is this big tendon,

and it's a very painful thing
you get in your arches.

And I have really weird toes.

I'm embarrassed about my toes.

They're a creepy-looking thing,
and...

Yes, thank you.
(LAUGHTER)

Thank you. And my toes...

..they're like this.

(LAUGHTER)
You know...

Your toes have got teeth?

Yeah, well, no...
(LAUGHTER)

They're like teeth,
but they sort of...

Say if I was a bird, I could hang
on a branch upside down.

(LAUGHTER)
Like...

Have you been doing a tug of war
with your feet?

(LAUGHTER)

It sounds like your toes
are quite the scene.

When Morag saw them
for the first time,

did she... (GAGS)
..or was she quite professional?

No, she was professional.

What face did Morag make
when you showed her?

She said,
(STRONG ACCENT) "Ooh, goodness me,

"that's an unusual toe-toe."

(LAUGHTER)

She has quite a beautiful accent,
an Eastern-European accent.

She said, "Your shoes. You've
had things wrong with your shoes.

"Your feet are cuckoo

"and they are unusual shapes..."
(LAUGHTER)

"..very wavy..."

She's... She's... (LAUGHS)

She's very professional...
Yes.

..but she describes your feet
as 'cuckoo'?

(LAUGHTER)

Yep, that particular day she did.

You said European,
and my ear isn't that good.

We're about specifically
is Morag from?

Eastern Europe.

We haven't discussed
exactly where the village is.

What, you don't talk to her?

We do, we talk about my feet.
Not even the village -

let's go with the country.

Yeah.
We can...

(LAUGHTER)

Uh... Frank, Eastern Europe
IS a country.

Alright.
Let's move on to you, Geraldine.

Remind us again how you know Morag.

She doesn't let me open up
my Christmas presents

until I've completed
a series of challenges.

What are the challenges
that she sets for you?

Well, once it was...you had to get
a perfect score on Abba Sing Star.

Oh!
(LAUGHTER)

Yep.

Can I ask you, is Morag, like,
just some sort of challenge fairy?

Or, like,
what's your relationship to Morag?

Morag is actually
my mother-in-law.

OK. So, another challenge?

Uh... You had to lie down
on the floor,

cross your arms

and get up
without crossing your arms.

How did you go in that challenge?
I did good.

Morag not...
OK, out in the front right now.

She's gonna do it.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Right. OK.

So...
(LAUGHTER)

..it was lying down...

..arms...
Oh, my God,

please, let out a little, tiny fart.

(LAUGHTER)

I would just love it, Geraldine...

I would just love it
if you just went...

(GROANS)

(LAUGHTER)

So, what's next?

Oh, here she goes!
She's up!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

You wonderful, strong woman.
I love that.

Like the force.
And we have proved

beyond a shadow of a doubt

that Geraldine can do THAT.

(LAUGHTER)

Morag looks so proud, though.

Charlie, remind us again
who Morag is to you.

Oh, this is Morag.
She is my local lollipop lady.

We have a disagreement
about how she uses her whistle.

How does she use...
How does Morag use her whistle?

My issue is she uses the whistle

as a corrective measure,

almost as a tool of abuse.

Oh.

Whereas I think it should
just be a system of information.

So, you pull up,

she blows the whistle

that you're not allowed to go,
the kids are crossing,

and then you go to go, and
she gets angry, blows the whistle.

And I went over to her, I said,

"You've got to just blow it once
for start,

"blow it once for the end."

And, look,
I'll admit I got a bit angry,

and she just
blew the whistle at me again.

(LAUGHTER)

I can see... I can definitely see
Morag as a lollipop lady doing...

..out there doing the good work.

Frank, I agree with you on that bit,

except she just looks
like the gentlest...

I can't imagine...
Yeah, she looks too nice.

..her fighting with anyone.

Mm, I think she's got a dark side.

(LAUGHTER)
Wow.

Alright, we need an answer,
Frank's team.

Is Morag Pete's preferred podiatrist,

Geraldine's game-playing Grinch

or Charlie's
controversial crossing cop?

What do you think, guys?

I just don't think
if she had to deal with Pete's feet

she would have
such a happy demeanour.

Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

Well, Charlie -

his story about the lollipop lady
is good,

but I just don't think he's
that involved in his kid's life.

(LAUGHTER)

So...

Unlike you,
I'm aware of my children.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

I know exactly where they are
and what their names are.

Yours are scattered
to the four corners of the globe!

(LAUGHTER)

Yeah, I don't think it's Charlie.
Do you?

I don't think it's Charlie...

We don't think it's Charlie
and we don't think it's Pete,

which leaves only Geraldine.

Yeah, we think that it's Geraldine.

Alright, lock in Geraldine.

Morag, please,
reveal your real identity.

I'm Morag,

and I don't let Geraldine
open Christmas presents...

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
..until she's completed
a load of challenges.

She's so gorgeous, Geraldine.
Come here.

OTHERS: Aww!

(APPLAUSE)

Yes, it's true.

Geraldine must earn her Christmas
cheer from mother-in-law, Morag.

Everyone, big round of applause
for the gorgeous Morag!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Don't go anywhere!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

in the hilarious new season

of Would I Lie To You?

with full episodes on 10Play.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Now it's time to ramp up the pace
and play Quick-Fire Lies.

These guests have no idea

what they're about to read
on the card in front of them.

It could be a true tale from
their life or a tall tale we made up.

Tommy, it's your time to shine.

I trademarked my own name,
Tommy Little,

as a clothing brand
for men of short stature.

Ooh.

Charlie's team, what have you got?

Did you ever sell any clothes?
Was it just for a gag?

It was a gag, yeah.

It wasn't, it...
Your whole life's a joke, mate.

(LAUGHTER)

I thought it was fun.

Yeah.
Yes.

I was just wondering
about your business model, mate.

I thought you just...
Yeah. Well, guess what...

Punch him in the nose!
Punch him in the nose.

Well, guess what -
here's the business model -

less fabric, same price.

I'm a genius.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

What were some of the designs
in your collection?

I made...
They were called 'tumpers',

so, they were T-shirts,
but made out of jumper material.

(LAUGHTER)

Yeah.

Because I went through
a big, like, inventing phase,

so, I made...
(LAUGHTER)

I made these things called 'shongs',

and they were thongs, but then...

'Cause if you drink during the day

and then you want to go
to a different pub at night

but you're wearing thongs,
they won't let you in,

so, then it had, like,
a zip-up canvas bit,

so, you take that
out of your pocket,

you put it on top of your thong

and you zip it up
and then you're wearing a shoe.

So, shoes - thongs - shongs!

(LAUGHTER)

Is he telling the truth
or is it a lie?

I feel like there were lots
of examples of real things there,

obviously, that he's put a lot
of thought, time and care into.

I know I want to wear
some of the stuff.

(LAUGHTER)
You know, I want to try it.

You'd suit a shong.
Thank you.

Thank you. Well...
You and your manky feet.

Always have to cover them.
That's right.

Keep the cover on.
It's actually to hide your shame.
That's it.

So...

I'm having trouble
'cause it's so stupid.

So, what did you do to set up the
business? You registered the name?

I've never done that
for any of them. No.

Well, it's a lie.
Read your card again.

No.

(LAUGHTER)

Read the card.

(LAUGHTER)

No more questions!
No-one... No-one...

We're getting into
the kind of territory

of, you know,
my client will not speak

because of the risk
of incriminating himself.

(LAUGHTER)

You want to hear it again?
Watch it on TV, mate!

We want to hear the whole thing!
The whole thing.

I've said it once, guys.

As I always said in business,

nah, stiff shit.

(LAUGHTER)

What do you think - true or a lie?

I think the card
proves that he's lying.

He's lying.
True or a lie?

I think we're gonna go with...

I think we're going with lie.
..lie?

Yeah, I think
it is absolutely a lie.

Tommy Little,
is that story true or a lie?

(LAUGHTER)

Can I just say? It is gonna hurt
so much if you have outsmarted us.

(LAUGHTER)

MYF: You can reach!

It is a...

..lie.

Oh, thank God! Oh, thank God! Ohh!
(APPLAUSE)

NOW will you read the card?

Yeah, sure enough,
the card undid me.

(LAUGHTER)

The card says,
"I trademarked my own name."

Ahh!

Alright, Pete, you are up next.

I spent months trying to uncover
a secret of my travel companion.

Ooh!

I think you need to just tell us

a little bit about the trip
that you were on.

I had met this man
off the comedy circuit.

He was from Sydney.
We met in Melbourne.

We got on extremely well,

and we hardly
had known each other very long

and we were going past
a travel agency,

and I said,
"Let's go overseas together,"

and he said...
(LAUGHTER)

..and he said, "Alright."

So, we went in and we got
a ticket around the world.

And he had curly hair.

And I had curly hair at the time,
beautiful hair.

Paul McNamee. Like that. Beautiful.

Your hair shares
a similar dimension to my hair.

Let's go around the world together!

(LAUGHTER)

Curly-headed dudes on the road.

So...

But...

There was a rumour
that his hair was a rug.

He had a wig.
He had a high-quality wig.

If you ARE gonna go with a toupee,

the kind of big, curly version is
definitely the way to go, I reckon.

Yeah.
Is that right, because you know?

(LAUGHTER)

Was yours...

(LAUGHTER)

Oh, no! Hang on!

(LAUGHTER)

Hong Kong was the first stop,
and I was on the plane...

(LAUGHTER)

There's nothing on the plane
that showed me it wasn't real.

And, so, he goes...
I'm utterly spellbound.

I know!

So, we get to London.

We've been travelling
for a while now,

and I was staying at a place
called Tufnell Park,

it's a suburb of London,

and in the bathroom they had holes
you can see into the bathroom.

You could...

(LAUGHTER)
No!

Sorry?!

What could possibly go wrong?

And he was in there,

and I thought, oh, just...

(LAUGHTER)

And I saw this.

(GASPS)

(OTHERS EXCLAIM)

He was putting on his shower cap
over his hair.

No, you reckon
he was putting the wig on?

Yeah.

And then I found glue and clips
and stuff,

so, I said, "Have you got a wig?"

He went, "Yeah."

(LAUGHTER)

I should've just maybe asked him.

Sadly...
Yes?!

..you have to give me an answer as to
whether you think it's true or a lie.

Oh! The bit about...
It felt so true.

It feels really true, but the bit
about the bathroom at the end...

I don't know
if you can do sort of...

..happy-go-lucky perving,

but that's...

..it had that kind of feel to it.
(LAUGHTER)

Oh, an innocent perv?
An innocent little... Yeah.

I don't reckon
you would've waited months.

I reckon after one or two days
of not knowing

you would've got a bit drunk,

made out with him
and tried to rip it off.

(LAUGHTER)
Well...

That's the Rowsthorn I know!

Need an answer. True or a lie?

The world-trip aspect of it
seems like...

That doesn't seem very believable.
It's a bit loose, isn't it?

You know, like...
I feel like the...

The wig story, it feels like
he maybe has known somebody

who's had a wig...

Dying to know. Quickly give me
an answer so that Pete can say.

I think it's true.
I think it's a lie.

We've got true. We've got lie.
What do you think?

We think it's try.

(LAUGHTER)

We think it's a good try!
It was a good try.

No, we're gonna say it's true!
It's true?

Peter Rowsthorn,
is this story true or a lie?

That was...

..the truth.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Oh, well done!

(APPLAUSE)

It is true!

And it was big of you, Pete,
to not totally wig out!

(LAUGHS) Thank you.

More truth and lies
on Would I Lie To You? next.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

This is Would I Lie To You?

Frank, you're next.

I broke into a friend's house
at night

to test whether
I could be a cat burglar.

(LAUGHTER)

OK, Charlie's team,
go your hardest.

No, everything about that
makes sense.

Yeah.

It sounds totally Frank.
Absolutely.

It was Myf's apartment in London,
and I took both of them.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

Where did you practise
your cat burgling?

My friend Roger
had just got a new bike,

and I thought that would be
a really fun kind of pranky thing

if I could, you know, what do you
call...break into his house...

(LAUGHTER)

..and...
Commit a crime.

..and steal his bike
as a bit of a prank.

Of course I was gonna return it,

but it was just like a thing -
"I wonder if I could do it."

Ground-floor apartment?

Oh, no fun in being a cat burglar
if it's a ground-floor apartment.

Third-floor apartment.

Oh!

Third-floor apartment?
Yeah.

How'd you get up there?
Went up the guttering,

and, you know,
I had to edge across a little bit,

open up the window.

It was so much fun! It was great!
(LAUGHTER)

Frank, were you worried at any point

that Roger would wake up
and kill you?

Roger was kind of a gentle...

I kind of thought
that as he would come,

I thought the worst-case scenario

is he'll go, you know,
"What are you doing?!"

And I go, "It's me, it's Frank.
It's Frank. It was just a prank."

"I've started taking heroin.
Long story."

(LAUGHTER)

How did you return it?

I called the following day and I
said, you know, "How are you going?"

And he said, "I can't believe it.

"Somebody's broken in
and stolen my bike."

And I said, "That was me!"

(LAUGHTER)

Like, I've had a lot of very
satisfying experiences in my life.

I'm a father,
you know, I'm a husband.

But that was the greatest day
of my life.

(LAUGHTER)

So, I've just got a question.

As a cat burglar,

did you leave a calling card?

In the middle of the carpet
I did a little poo.

(LAUGHTER)

No, I didn't. No call card.

As a cat burglar did you dig a hole
and then...

(LAUGHTER)
..cover it up?

Alright, Charlie's team.

We really enjoyed that,
but is it true or a lie?

Too nice a person wouldn't do that.

Yeah. What do you think?

I think yeah.
I think Frank wants it to be true.

Yes! I know!

Yeah.
He was so happy telling the story.

Yeah.
Yeah, so happy.

Yeah, I don't think
he would leave it that long

before letting his friend
know he had...

I imagine you'd be waiting
out the front in the morning.

So, we are gonna say
that that is a lie.

Frank Woodley,
is that true or is it a lie?

Well, it is in fact...

..a lie.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

It was well told, though. Well told.

It is a lie!

But, Roger, if you're watching,

lock up the bike.

(LAUGHTER)

Frank Woodley, the shat burglar.
is coming.

(LAUGHTER)

(BUZZER)
Oh!

That noise means
it is all over, red rover.

And after tallying up the points,

I can reveal that it's a draw.

AUDIENCE: Ohh!
Oh, what?! What?

What?

Everyone's a winner
and also a loser!

(LAUGHTER)

That is it for Would I Lie To You?
Thank you so much for watching.

And, remember, speak truth from your
heart and lies through your teeth.

Goodnight.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)