Would I Lie to You? (2022–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - Episode #2.3 - full transcript
Chrissie Swan, Charlie Pickering and Frank Woodley are joined by a panel of celeb guests, including Ross Noble, Dr Chris Brown, Alex Lee and Bev Killick.
(THEME MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Hello there.
I'm Chrissie Swan
and welcome to Would I Lie To You?,
the show where telling porky pies
wins a prize.
The first porky pie is
there is no prize.
Let's get stuck in
and meet the players, shall we?
Captain of our first team tonight is
comedian and host Charlie Pickering.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Alongside Charlie
is an actor and comedian
who performs for
Australia's troops overseas.
Welcome, Bev Killick.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Also joining Charlie
is a stand-up legend.
Please welcome randomest Ross Noble.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHS)
And captain of our second team,
it's comedian Frank Woodley!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
On Frank's team tonight
is a veterinarian and host
who brings his medical expertise to
'The Living Room' and to 'Bondi Vet'.
Here tonight to cheapen
all that trust and hard work,
it's Dr Chris Brown.
It's true.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
And she's been a newsreader,
political journalist,
consumer affairs expert
and comedy host,
it's Alex Lee.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Alright, our teams will take turns
reading stories.
It's up to the opposing team
to determine
whether the story is true or a lie.
And so to round one, Home Truths,
where panellists read out a statement
from the card in front of them.
To make things even more difficult,
they've never seen the card before,
so they've got no idea
what they'll be faced with.
Dr Chris Brown, you're up first.
I was once the target
of a citywide police chase.
(GASPS)
ROSS: Ooh!
Charlie's team, go for it.
Which city?
Yes.
Well, the...the city where I'm from.
Newcastle?
Co... Thank you.
Yes, it was Newcastle.
I always thought it was Bondi.
No, no.
'Bondi Vet'.
Don't believe the branding.
You charlatan!
OK, so, take us through this,
please.
So, you're in Newcastle
and there was, like, a citywide...
Yep, yep.
..police search for you.
Which is not that wide...
Yeah, I know.
..to be honest.
I'm loving the idea
that they just...
They released the police dogs.
(IMITATES BARKING)
And then they saw you
and then they all bowed.
(LAUGHTER)
Did it involve an animal?
I... Sort of. Sort of.
What do you mean by 'sort of'?
Let's not muck around.
No, well, it involved
parts of an animal.
What parts of animals?
Like, organs and little pieces.
It was items of...of...of value.
So, it was parts of animals?
Mm.
And you were on the run
with these parts?
I don't want the parts of animals
to distract you away from...
Then why'd you bring it up, mate?
(LAUGHTER)
'Cause I believe...
You bring up parts of animals,
that dominates the story.
I-I like to be...
I like to be thorough.
So, what was the crime
for which you were being pursued?
Just tell us succinctly.
There was a crime that you either
committed or were suspected of.
OK. I-I had stolen some items.
Including...
Dog parts.
..dog parts.
Including do...
Were you trying to build
a dog back home?
No, it was...
Had someone else stolen a dog
and stripped it for parts
and sold them off?
(LAUGHTER)
So, I... I'd been...
It was... I was at...
I was at school and, uh...
And...and we'd...we'd borrowed
some items at...at school.
What items?
Notable landmarks from Newcastle.
Oh.
Like Silverchair?
(LAUGHTER)
ROSS: Hang on a sec.
Not that... Hang on.
You're not talking about
that tower that used to be there
that looked exactly like a penis?
Mm.
Yes.
When the sun shone,
a terrifying shadow.
(LAUGHTER)
Some people were repelled,
some ran towards.
(LAUGHS)
What were these items?
So, you stole some things?
That has been brought down somewhat.
Yeah, it has, yeah.
Really?
When it collapsed,
the fella on the crane went,
"It's never happened to me before."
(LAUGHTER)
Um, so, they were notable items
from...from Newcastle and...and...
What items? What were the items?
What items?
So...so, signs from
around Newcastle,
important sort of landmarks.
What were you planning to do
with all of these things?
We didn't really get that far.
(LAUGHS)
OK, so you've stolen some stuff
from around town.
It feels like a bit of a -
am I right? -
like a Year 12 muck-up
sort of thing to do.
Yeah, it was...it was... Sure.
No, no, not sure. It's your story.
I'm asking you.
Where did the dog bits come from?
How do they fit into the...
We took them from
a...a butcher shop.
A dog?
Dog bits?
No, the pieces of...
Animal bits.
..animal bits.
I think we've put dog onto it.
OK, yes.
That's all of your creation.
It's actually just animal bits.
They were animal bits.
Look, I don't know how...how much
you value your participation
in this particular game show,
which I think is...
I really appreciate, but you're
fuckin' up your brand, buddy.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Not the fun guy we thought he was.
But the other important thing,
we had a, um...
We had a police scanner and so
we knew that...that they were...
They were onto us.
So, you were a delinquent?
I mean, do I not look like one?
No, you do not.
Charlie's team, what do you think?
Are you believing any of this?
I know Chris very well.
No-one tells an anecdote
quite like Dr Chris Brown,
one of the great storytellers
I've ever known.
I don't know what the fuck this was.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
What do you reckon, Ross?
Maybe it's a clever double-bluff,
you know?
Like, he's gone, "I'll tell
some weird story about offal
"that doesn't make any sense
to human beings,"
and then we go, "Oh, that's a lie.
It's gotta be a lie."
Are you buying it, Bev?
I'm not. I'm not buying it.
It's just... I don't know. He's just
such a nice guy, aren't you, Chris?
Yeah, I'm not buying it
and, not only that,
if he diagnosed my dog,
I would no longer believe it.
(LAUGHTER)
That looks like three lies there.
Is that what we're going with?
Yeah, we are gonna go with
that's a lie.
Chris Brown,
put us out of our misery.
Is that true or a lie?
(SIGHS)
That is...
..true.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Unbelievable.
BEV: That's unbelievable.
No!
Sorry, now we know it's true,
what happened with the animal bits?
(LAUGHTER)
You...you...
I went to a selective high school
in Newcastle, alright, and...
Doesn't sound like
they were that selective.
(LAUGHTER)
And after years of being frustrated
with...with being called Nerd High,
I thought, "You know what? We're
gonna teach this city a lesson."
"We're gonna go on
an incoherent adventure!"
"We're tougher than they think."
It all went horribly wrong.
The police were converging
on where we had to go.
We dumped them in a park
and then scurried home
like the crime lords we are.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Great.
What a story!
It is true,
and joining us to make
the long-awaited arrest,
it's Constable Burford!
(LAUGHTER)
OK, Charlie, you're up.
Oh, OK.
When Bunnings is short on staff,
I approach customers and offer
to help with any questions.
Oh, definitely true.
(LAUGHTER)
Frank's team,
where do you want to start?
So, um, what, for example...
When was...
When were you last in Bunnings?
I was last in Bunnings
a week and a half ago.
Help anybody on that occasion?
I didn't on that particular trip,
no, I did not.
OK, we'll have to find an example
when you did help somebody.
Um...
(LAUGHTER)
So, about three months ago,
there was a guy who was looking lost
and he was looking for door handles
and I had recently replaced
all the door handles in my house
and I went up to him and said,
"What are you looking for?"
And he goes, "Door handles,"
and I was, like, "37."
No!
(LAUGHS)
And I said, "If you hit hooks,
you've gone too far."
What's the most kind of deep you've
gone in terms of helping somebody
at Bunnings?
My Bunnings has...has two levels
and it has, like, a...
Oh, it's your Bunnings now, is it?
Yeah. (LAUGHS)
Someone's given themselves
a promotion.
(LAUGHTER)
Upstairs is paints,
but also upstairs,
a lot of people don't know this,
is also ceiling fans for bathrooms,
and the guy was looking
for a ceiling fan
and I actually went up
the travelator.
I took the ride with him.
I said, "I'm going up there myself
"to get some of that blue tape
for painting."
And I said, "Come with me.
I'll show you where it is."
So, I actually walked someone
onto the travelator, we...
It was slow and quite awkward,
I'll be honest,
going up next to each other.
And then we got to the top with this
guy, and I said, "This is me here,
"but that's Stephanie.
"She'll show you
where the ceiling fans are."
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
It all started, though...
It was literally just once.
I helped one person.
It was about a year and a half ago
and I got a giddy thrill.
Yep.
So, you know your store, do you?
Yeah, know it back to front.
If I want a doormat,
what area do I go to? What aisle?
Yeah.
Next to doors,
and that is 27 at the back.
Home security systems?
Home security systems, aisle 3.
Outdoor lighting?
There is... Sorry, there's also a
special display of the Ring devices.
You know, like,
the networked, wi-fi-based system,
that's just near
the key-cutting centre.
It's not in an aisle.
Righto.
You know, Charlie,
are you on the spectrum?
(LAUGHTER)
That's Dulux Paints
right in the middle.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
What do you think, Frank's team?
Have you got enough information
to make a call?
So, what are we thinking?
(SIGHS)
I'm...I'm torn. I mean,
you know Charlie better than me.
Is he a particularly helpful guy
at any other times in his life?
He just loves...
No, he's very helpful.
He just loves to hear
the sound of his own voice.
It's so Charlie to do this.
(LAUGHTER)
It's feeling pretty true, isn't it?
Mm.
Hmm...
Yeah, I'm thinking true.
Oh, we've got a 'hmm'.
I'm gonna go lie.
OK, lie.
This guy is a trained lawyer.
Like, he knows how to lie.
Yeah, yeah.
Like, that's his...
That was the whole background.
When he was a lawyer, though,
if anyone came in,
he'd give 'em a price,
he'd beat everyone else by 10%.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
True or lie, friends?
I think lie.
We've got a lie here.
I think...I think it's a lie.
Ooh!
OK, so we're gonna say
we think it's a lie.
Charlie, is your story true or a lie?
It is...
..a lie.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
BEV: Very good. Well done.
I believed you.
Well done.
It is, of course, a lie.
Charlie's only helpful and friendly
if the cameras are on.
(LAUGHS)
VOICEOVER: Still to come...
Dragons exist, man.
But they're not dragons!
They are dragons!
They're not dragons!
(LAUGHS) I'm so confused!
No, I think you need to leave.
This has been
a very bad career move tonight.
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?
OK, Ross, your time has come.
Oh.
(BEEP!)
(READS) Up until recently,
I believed in dragons.
(LAUGHTER)
Seriously...
OK.
So, I would say
that most of us probably
believe in dragons
until, you know, maybe five, six.
Then you realise, "Oh, no, they're
mythical storybook creatures."
So why did you hold onto
that belief for so long?
Because of komodo...
(LAUGHTER)
The komodo...
(CHRIS LAUGHS)
Are you familiar with
the Komodo area?
I am, yep. It's in New Guinea,
is it?
Indonesia.
Indonesia?
So no is the answer. (LAUGHS)
(LAUGHTER)
Oh.
Look, it's one of those things
where...
I love the natural world, right?
and the komodo dragons,
when I was a small child,
I saw the komodo dragon
and I thought...
You know, and I used to read
a lot of fantasy stuff,
and I went, "Oh, that's a dragon,"
and then it wasn't until
I was watching a documentary
about the komodo dragon
that I literally went, "Oh, yeah,
they're not dragons."
(LAUGHTER)
So did you think komodo dragons
breathed fire
and had little wings
that they could flap away in?
No, well, I knew they didn't,
like fly,
but when I was a kid it was like,
"That's a komodo dragon,"
so I went, "Oh, right,
so that's a dragon,"
and then I never gave it
another thought.
And then I was watching
a documentary and I went,
"Oh, my God, I'm a grown man..."
(LAUGHTER)
"And I've never bothered
to think about
"whether that's not a dragon,
it's just a big lizard."
Because of your demeanour,
there is a little part of me
that feels at the end of the show
you'll get on a dragon and fly away.
Yes!
(LAUGHTER)
You look like you've walked
off the set of, you know,
'The House of Dragons'.
Somebody did once heckle me.
Somebody went, "Oi!"
And I went, "What?" And he went,
"You look like every single
character from 'Lord of the Rings'."
(LAUGHTER)
So, the only defining feature
of a dragon as you see it,
that makes a dragon a dragon,
is the ability to breathe fire,
is that what you feel like
the komodo has let you down on?
And the wings, and the wings.
And also the fact it's not a dragon.
But it is a dragon!
What do you mean, it's a dragon?
I hate to burst your bubble.
They are actually...
They're called dragons.
I've seen one.
In Australia we have dragons.
They're called water dragons.
We have dragons.
Dragons exist, man!
But they're not dragons.
They are dragons!
They're not dragons!
No, but that...
That was where my confusion lay.
That was the...
They're not dragons.
You've been treating him
like he's an idiot...
Yeah!
Chris Brown still hasn't got it.
(LAUGHTER)
And he is a man of science!
He is a man of science!
He has stuck his finger
up a number of dragons!
Chris, just 'cause
they're called dragons
doesn't mean they're dragons.
I went to university
for a very long time
and they told me dragons were real.
We'll have a counsellor for you
waiting as soon as this show is over.
But...but dragons are real.
BEV: That is scary.
Oh, no!
I don't get why
a dragon needs to fly.
When is a dragon
not enough for you, Ross?
Like, they...they exist.
No, no, don't get me wrong.
The, you know, say, it's Chi...
You weren't expecting the issue
he would take with this
is that you've decided
they're not real.
(LAUGHTER)
But the thing is, though, right,
it's Chinese New Year.
Oh, they're having a bit of a dance.
Dragon, right?
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, but Chinese New Year, like,
they have those mythical characters
with all the big mane
and everything, like the lion.
Next you're gonna be telling us
that lions are true.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm so confused!
Me too!
I've managed to convince Chris
that he's telling the story
and I'm pulling him up on it.
(LAUGHTER)
This is a Would I Lie To You? first.
He's an educated man, I'm not.
You can see...
He's a vet.
This has been
a very bad career move tonight.
Very, very poor choice.
People bring their lizards in,
he goes, "Ooh, mini dragon?"
(LAUGHTER)
Alright, Frank's team,
we're gonna need an answer.
We're gonna need you
to cobble together something.
I'm excluding myself from this one.
Yes, you are. Allowed.
It's up to us, Alex.
Between Alex and Frank,
what do you think?
Until recently he thought
that dragons were real.
I'm starting to think yes.
I think dragons are real
and lizards are not
at this point.
I'm starting to feel quite confident
that I'm not real.
(LAUGHTER)
OK, so what are we thinking?
I guess it's...
I guess it's true.
I think it's true,
what he believes...
I'm sorry.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, the issue is not whether
or not dragons are real or not,
it's what he believed,
and we believe until recently...
No, we don't!
(LAUGHTER)
Until recently...
No.
I think no.
I think you need to leave.
(LAUGHTER)
No! Aw!
No, no. Come back, come back.
True or a lie?
Did Ross until quite recently
believe that dragons were real?
Which they are!
Which they are.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
I think true.
I think true!
True.
We think...true?
Ross, is it true or a lie?
Of course it's a lie!
(CHIMING)
(CHRISSIE LAUGHS)
Of course it is!
Of course, of course it's a lie.
(READS) Until recently
I believe in dragons.
(LAUGHTER)
Of course it's a lie!
What is wrong with you?
This show, it's this show.
This show is...
CHARLIE: Do you know
what's really interesting?
Until very recently,
I believed in Dr Chris Brown.
(LAUGHTER)
It is a lie.
Ross doesn't believe in dragons.
Coming up, what if I told you
that one of our guests
has half a face
never touched by a phone?
We call on them next
on Would I Lie To You?
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Welcome back.
Now, who here wants to admit
to having an unusual
mobile phone hang-up?
(LAUGHTER)
You, Ross. Of course.
What is it, Ross?
I got a mobile phone
in the early '90s, you know,
when they were analogue.
And I'd read a thing that said,
"Oh, they give you, like,
brain tumours and stuff,"
so I decided at that point
I would only ever hold my phone
to my left ear,
and I've never put a mobile phone
to my right ear, ever.
What is the logic?
Because then
if I get a brain tumour,
I'll know it's right.
So you're not avoiding a tumour,
you just want to know
where it originated.
Checks out.
And I guess, in theory, if you're
gonna get a brain tumour,
you'd rather have only one
on one side...
Than...
..rather than both sides.
Exactly. Don't want to be like...
Yeah, it's smarter than it seems.
..Princess Leia with them
hanging out my ears.
(LAUGHTER)
Alrighty...
Wouldn't you want to share it...
Sorry, Chris.
But wouldn't you want to
share it around.
like, share the radiation around?
That's why you're a man of science
and I'm...
(LAUGHTER)
..I'm a man of art.
(LAUGHTER)
Our next round is called
This Is My...
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
This week, each of Charlie's team
will claim it's them
that had the genuine connection
to the guest.
It's up to Frank's team to spot
who's telling the truth.
so please give a warm welcome
to this week's special guest, Fiona.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS)
Let's start with you, Bev.
Who is Fiona to you?
This is Fiona.
She witnessed me go full frontal
during a karaoke performance
that went too far.
(LAUGHTER)
Ross, who is Fiona to you?
This is Fiona,
and she fixes my pinball machines.
Ooh!
And Charlie, who is Fiona to you?
Well, this is Fiona.
She was my nanny who was hired
and fired on the same day.
So there we have it.
Is Fiona Bev's
bare-arsed ballad beholder,
Ross's pinball repair person
or Charlie's nanosecond nanny?
Alright, Frank's team,
let's start with Bev.
What do you reckon?
So, first thing, how do you
know each other?
We used to go to karaoke frequently,
and we started a group called
the K Club.
What happened?
So I'm singing away, singing away,
it was a hot night,
I got my top part off 'cause I'm
singing 'Natural Woman'.
Yeah.
Who's that song by?
Aretha Franklin.
Gotcha!
(LAUGHTER)
I actually don't know,
but she said it confidently.
And so, paint the picture for us.
You were singing 'You Make Me
Feel Like (A Natural Woman)'...
And I'd forgotten
that I wasn't wearing underwear.
And there were people walking past,
it was a hot summer night,
and there was a window...
It was a hot summer night
and the moon was out.
(LAUGHTER)
Bev, were you allowed to finish
your song?
Yes, and...
In the nude?
In the nude.
What was Fiona's reaction
when you did bare all?
"Yay!"
Something like that.
(LAUGHTER)
Shall we move on to Ross?
Ross, remind us again
who Fiona is to you.
She fixes my pinball machines.
That's right.
There would be very few pinball
machine mechanics
working in Australia today,
I would think.
Very true, yeah.
So Fiona's one of those select few.
Yes. I was...
Yeah, go on.
Sorry.
No.
No, no, you go.
No, no, you. You, you.
(LAUGHTER)
No, no, no.
I insist.
Please, no.
We can toss.
No, please.
It's getting annoying.
Someone intervene!
(LAUGHTER)
So, how many pinball machines
have you got?
I have two.
OK, and describe the first time
she came to fix a pinball machine.
Well, she... What...
My old house used to have...
I had to keep the pinball machines
in the garage,
and Fiona lives up the road from me,
and as you said before,
there's very few pinball mechanics
in Australia,
and it's her job.
She was walking past with her dog
and she looked into the garage,
I had the garage door up,
and went, "Is that an original
Indiana Jones?"
And then we got chatting,
she said, "I fix them,"
and then, sure enough,
when the...when the bridge went,
uh, I saw her walking the dog, I
said, "Can you service this for me?"
Bang. And now she's...
Yeah, she does the pinball machines.
You said that it's very rare
to find a pinball mechanic.
Yes. I don't know
if that's the right term.
As luck would have it...
Operatives?
..one of my best friends
is actually a pinball mechanic.
Shut your face!
(LAUGHTER)
Shut your actual face.
'Cause this would be pretty wild.
Is it Fiona?
(LAUGHTER)
He actually is.
Does he fix the modern ones
or does he fix the class...
Or does he do the full range?
Well, what they do is they actually
offer service with every purchase.
Right.
So you wouldn't have to
get in a mechanic
to fix your said pinball machine.
The place that I purchased them
is in the UK,
and therefore, no, they do not offer
a lifetime...
And also they're old machines.
Alright, shall we move on to Charlie?
Who's Fiona to you?
Remind us again.
This is Fiona, she was my nanny,
and she was hired and fired
on the same day.
She looks a bit young
to be your nanny.
Like, she looked after you
when you were a child?
Yeah, when I was about 10.
10 or 11.
What?! And she was about six?
BEV: Isn't that too old
to be looked after?
No, she was...she was 19, 20
at the time.
No, she wasn't.
You want us to believe that this
woman is 10 years older?
You've forced me to do something
I did not want to do.
She's from the 19...
Fiona, I'm very sorry.
I'm so sorry about this. I...
Leave it there, I reckon.
Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
With absolute certainty,
you are wrong about Fiona's age.
So, have you got some...
'Cause I hadn't heard about your
premature ageing disease.
(LAUGHTER)
I was about 10 or 11.
Fiona was about 19, 20.
She's from the 1920s, she is.
(LAUGHTER)
She looks well.
He's a man of science.
So you're saying she's between
53 and 55 years old?
You said it, not me.
But, yeah, that's...
Absurd.
You can shake your head.
You're wrong.
(LAUGHTER)
'Cause what she did was noble.
She did not!
She certainly did not!
(LAUGHTER)
How dare you? How dare you?
And how old are you, Ross?
(LAUGHTER)
Look, she tweaked the flippers
and that was it.
(LAUGHTER)
That was it.
OK, what...what did she do?
Yeah.
So she was hired to be my nanny.
I snuck one of my mum's cigarettes
and smoked...
tried to smoke a cigarette.
Fiona stopped me from smoking it,
and then my mum got home
and smelled smoke in the house.
Fiona covered for me,
and she said she had been smoking.
WOMAN: Ooh!
And Mum asked her to leave.
She'd said no smoking in the house.
It was a rule.
The smoking would explain
the premature ageing, though.
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHS)
Alright, we need an answer.
Is Fiona Bev's
bare-arsed ballad beholder,
Ross's pinball repair person
or Charlie's nanosecond nanny?
I mean, I just think
people who repair pinball machines
probably look like massive weirdos.
(LAUGHTER)
So you think it's Fiona.
(LAUGHS)
We think it's right. No, not at all.
If you're into pinballs, you look
like this guy, you know what I mean?
It's a good point well made, that,
yeah.
OK, what are you thinking, Chris?
I'm just not convinced Charlie has
ever smoked a cigarette in his life.
Well, at one point was smoking
over two packs a day.
I mean, he wasn't smoking them,
Fiona was smoking them for him.
And we've got Bev,
the karaoke full-frontal view.
There's no question
you've done that.
(LAUGHTER)
What can I say, Frank?
But did Fiona witness it?
Yeah, was she one of the thousands
who did?
I guess I believe Charlie the most.
The age thing just doesn't work
for me at all in terms of that.
CHRIS: No.
Um, so...
I'm...I'm thinking Bev.
I'm thinking Bev as well.
ALEX: Alright.
We're gonna go with Bev.
CHRISSIE: We're gonna go with Bev?
Alright, Fiona, go ahead
and reveal your identity.
I am Fiona. I witnessed Bev...
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
..go full frontal...
(LAUGHS) ..full frontal
during a karaoke performance
that went too far.
Can I hug her?
Of course.
She needs all the support
she can get.
Bev, that night
you were an extremely natural woman.
I was.
Everybody, big round of applause
for the gorgeous Fiona.
Thank you.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
We'll be back with more
in just a jiffy.
Alright, it's time to ramp up
the pace and play Quick Fire Lies.
These guests have no idea
what they're about to read
on the card in front of them.
It could be a true tale
from their life
or a tall tale we made up.
Frank, it's over to you.
(READS) I got detained
at the airport
after security became suspicious
of my bodily fluids.
Oh, God!
(LAUGHTER)
Which airport
and which bodily fluids?
It was the Melbourne Airport.
Yes.
And, um, it was, uh...
Sweat?
No, like runny...
Saliva?
Snot?
It was snot.
ROSS: Mucus. Mucus.
Yeah, mucus, mucus.
Yeah, snot.
It was mucus.
I think it's a little bit viscous
for a fluid, to be honest.
Yeah, so...
Now who's a man of science?
(LAUGHTER)
Yes, yes.
OK, so mucus.
Mucus.
At the...
Could we use a d...
'Cause 'mucus' is bad.
'Mucus' is a really bad...
Could we say 'nasal excretions'?
Can we use 'nasal excretions'?
Would you like 'sputum'?
No, I do not like 'sputum'.
A goober. A goober.
Goober. Goobers.
BEV: Goober.
It was a goober.
OK, so what happened next?
I was in Sydney,
and I was in a hotel room,
in, like, they've got a...the gym,
sometimes hotels have, like,
a little gym attached to them.
I was on the exercise bike,
I'd been going
for about 15 minutes, I think,
and I just sort of went...
(SNIFFLES) ..like that.
And I looked down and went,
"Oh, that's not good.
"That's not ideal."
You had a snail trail up your hand.
I had quite a snail trail there.
I'd gone...
I was 20 minutes into
my 25-minute routine.
There was nobody else in the gym,
and I did at that point
make a split decision,
rather than going to the bathroom,
I just decided to rub it...
Yeah.
..until it kind of became
less viscous,
dried up into, like, a little ball,
and I went...
I know, if I had my life
to live again,
I'd probably go down
a different path, but...
(LAUGHTER)
I... At that point, I just went,
"I'll pop that into my pocket..."
Oh, dear God!
And I forgot about it.
On the plane
from Sydney to Melbourne...
CHARLIE: Uh-huh.
..and when we landed...
Yeah.
One of the little dog...
the beagles came over,
gave me...paid me
quite a bit of attention.
And then they...they cordoned me off
and they took me through
into the customs area
and they went through all my stuff.
And it was at the point
where the guy was going through
my backpack
and he pulled out my tracksuit pants
and he started to go through
the pockets of my tracksuit pants.
Eugh!
ALEX: Oh!
But I went, "Oh, I remember
a little incident from earlier."
(LAUGHTER)
And he reached in
and he took out the said goober...
Mm.
..held it in his hands.
Just in his hands.
Oh, God!
Held it in his hands, and he went...
..what's that?
(LAUGHTER)
And I said, "I don't know
what that is."
He leant down and he pulled up
a little plastic bag,
opened it up, popped it in there...
Oh, goodness.
BEV: No!
Sealed it, and it was sent away
to a lab.
I would have just said 'drugs'
at the point.
"It's drugs." I would rather be
arrested for drugs than that.
That would have been
less humiliating.
Did you get results back
from the lab?
I'm interested to see what it was.
No, I never heard about it,
but I assume at some point
he got a letter
and he opened it up and said,
"It's snot, you dickhead!"
(LAUGHTER)
OK, so what are you feeling
about this story from Frank?
I can tell you, Frank and I were
coming through an airport once
from New Zealand,
and the bloke with the...
The dog sat down
and the fella said to Frank,
"Do you have any fruit in that bag?"
and Frank said, "No."
The man reached into the bag...
Do you remember this?
No. (LAUGHS)
(LAUGHTER)
And pulled out a full guava.
(LAUGHTER)
That's fancy fruit!
And the fella actually went,
"That's fruit, isn't it?"
And he went, "Oh, yeah,
I forgot about that."
(LAUGHTER)
We'd...from a group...
And there was another occasion
when I was going into New Zealand
where I'd, somehow, I'd managed
to take a little plastic bag
of my dog's poo.
Because I...
No!
I'd been at the park
and I'd picked it up from him,
and then I'd put it in the jacket
and forgot about it.
So the guy was, like...
The guy in customs
actually said to me,
"At what point in time,
"when you were planning
this overseas journey,
"did you say to yourself,
'Mustn't forget to pack the poo'?
(LAUGHTER)
Right now there's a room somewhere
at a fella there like that,
and just shelves with snot,
guavas, shit.
Just, like, and it's got
'The Frank Woodley Memorial...'
(LAUGHTER)
I'm gonna need an answer.
What do you think it is?
Personally, I've seen it happen
to him.
True.
So I think it's true.
Bev?
He is a bit of a silly bugger.
We've definitely established that.
Silly booger?
No, we're gonna say it's true.
Alright. Frank Woodley,
is this true or a lie?
Well, that story is a complete true.
Hey!
(CHIMING)
Yes! Of course it is!
(LAUGHTER)
Amazing!
No way!
Sorry, Chrissie, can I swap seats?
Yeah, old Frankie snot-pockets.
(LAUGHTER)
There was...
There was not a single thing he said
that I questioned there.
(LAUGHTER)
It is true, or should I say,
'snot' a lie.
(LAUGHTER)
Ai!
It's time for a break.
We'll see you soon.
VOICEOVER: Watch celebs
bamboozle each other
with full episodes on 10 play.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
We're back!
Next up, it's you, Bev Killick.
(READS) Aside from undergarments,
I haven't bought
a new item of clothing since 1999.
(FRANK LAUGHS)
AUDIENCE: Whoa!
Impressive if true.
What is the reasoning
behind not buying any new clothes?
I'm against sweatshops
and stuff like that,
and just didn't see the point.
There's so much landfill.
Everything that I buy
is from somewhere else.
I don't buy retail.
So, like, op shops?
Yes, op shops only.
So no new clothes at all,
'cause of a moral standpoint?
Yes, that's right.
OK.
So I beg, borrow and steal.
Sometimes, you know, I'll walk past
a nice big pile of...
What's the stuff they put out
in the street? What's that?
Hard rubbish?
Hard rubbish! And...
Oh, thank God. I thought you were
gonna say 'the homeless' there.
(LAUGHTER)
If you go to an op shop,
surely you...
So you steal from... You need to
buy them from the op shop.
Oh, yeah.
No, but Bev says she hasn't bought
any new clothes.
I haven't bought. New clothes.
Oh, any new clothes!
So that... So you can buy
second-hand clothes.
That's considered...
That's right.
Why did you draw the line on 1999?
Was it a particularly good year
for fashion?
I just thought, you know,
there's a new millennium coming,
and aliens
are gonna be visiting us soon
and got to look good.
Tell us the story of the dress
you're wearing now.
Where did you get it from?
Was that hard rubbish?
I got this from the Salvos.
I'll just show you.
It's gorgeous, Bev.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
So...
Hey, Bev, Bev,
can you give us a Marilyn Monroe
'Happy Birthday Mr President'?
Down the...
Got a fan blower anywhere?
Where's Bev's camera?
She said, "Have I? Can you see it?"
(AUDIENCE SQUEALS)
(AUDIENCE WHOOPS)
I mean, Charlie asked for
'Happy Birthday Mr President',
not 'Some Like It Hot',
but thank you for that.
I've got that mixed up.
MAN: Lordy!
Can we go to an ad break?
I need a moment.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah.
What's your verdict, guys?
I personally think it's true.
I think Bev's up for the challenge.
Yeah.
I don't like it.
But I think it's true.
Because you love sweatshops.
I love sweatshops,
And landfill.
And landfill.
Alright, we're locking in true?
Yeah.
Bev Killick, is that true or a lie?
It is...
..a lie!
(CHIMING)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Bravo. Bravo!
And you believed me!
That is the miracle.
It is, of course, a lie.
Alex, it is over to you.
Alright.
(READS) I tricked a child
into believing that I
was her robot slave.
Oh! I love the way you read that,
'cause at the end you went...
(ROBOTICALLY)
"I was her robot slave."
(LAUGHTER)
That was...
That was subtly manipulative.
Does not compute.
Was the child an idiot?
I mean, aren't they all?
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, got a point.
So where was this?
Like, how did you have access
to a child?
Well, it was a gig I had
performing at a museum,
and I was pretending to be a robot.
Were you, like, a...
(ROBOTICALLY) "I am a robot."
Was it one of them
or were you just...
Actually, you would be an android.
It's a lie.
(LAUGHTER)
Were you in human form
pretending to be an android
or did you have some form of,
like, box?
(ROBOTICALLY) "I am a robot!"
You should really share around that
mobile phone usage on the brain.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah.
It's not working out for you.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Alex, I think what Ross
is trying to say
is describe your costume.
Oh, OK.
I... It would be more accurate
to say that I was an android.
Right, so it's definitely a lie.
But you convinced them.
I did, yeah, so I was...
My role as a performer
at this museum
was to sort of demonstrate
the capabilities
of...of androids life,
and the children were there, and
they were allowed to ask questions.
And how did you know
that this child was convinced?
They just kept asking questions,
and they became very invested
in me as...
..as a potential android.
And did you have
a funny android voice?
Yeah, I did.
How did that sound?
Uh... (ROBOTICALLY)
"I am here to help you
"in whichever way you require."
Oh, I believe that.
What museum was it?
What kind of museum?
The Museum of Bullshit.
(LAUGHTER)
Did you have a name?
Yes. Yeah, I did.
And what was the name of your robot?
It was Ann...Droid.
OK.
(LAUGHTER)
Very good.
Ann Droid.
Alright, Charlie's team,
what do you think?
True or a lie?
Well, it's rickety, I'll say that.
The whole presentation
has been rickety.
BEV: Could be a little bit true.
I'm feeling like it could be true.
So shonky, wasn't it?
Everything was so shonky.
I think it...it stinks of a lie,
but I think it's so shonky.
I think it might be true.
Yeah, go on, then.
Yeah. We're going to say that
that story is true.
Alex, I'm surprised
they've gone with true.
Is it true or a lie?
Sorry, it was...
..true.
(CHIMING)
Yes!
Yes! Yes!
Well played. Well done!
We should have known,
because a robot can't lie.
(LAUGHS)
Can robots tell a lie?
It is true, giving us a glimpse
into the future
when we're all replaced
by the Alex Lee 4000.
Stick around for more
Would I Lie To You?
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Welcome back.
Next round is Could It Be?
where our teams are given
a general statement
that has nothing to do with them,
and they must decide
whether it's lies or legit.
Charlie's team, you're up first.
Alrighty.
The smell of a Vegemite factory
has been heritage-listed. (LAUGHS)
Ooh. (SIGHS)
It's got a really pungent odour.
Yeah.
Isn't it made from, like,
the bottom of a beer barrel?
Yeah, it's...
Yeast. Yeast.
It's the yeast from the bottom
of a fermented beer barrel.
My bedroom smells like that
sometimes.
(LAUGHTER)
I really don't know what to do
with that, Bev.
(LAUGHTER)
Exactly what I was gonna say, Bev.
But if you can heritage-list smells,
like, that's, like, a sense,
there's probably other things, like,
maybe you could heritage-list the
feeling of running across hot sand
in bare feet just as a feeling.
The feeling of driving a ute
in thongs and it's slipping off
and whoa!
(LAUGHTER)
Get it... Get it back on in time
before I get to the light.
But can you heritage-list a smell?
I mean, doesn't a heritage listing
mean nothing can happen to it?
And in my experience,
smells can just disappear.
Like, it's hard to just...
So the smell can't be destroyed,
it's got to remain there,
but you can...
Not the factory, just the smell.
So you could pull the factory down,
build another factory,
maybe a MILO factory,
but in that factory you'd have to
cover all the internal workings
in a massive
kind of airproof bladder
that led to a pipeline...
(LAUGHS)
..that pumped the MILO smell out
in some distant location,
and then with another machine
be pumping Vegemite smell
into the vicinity
around the factory...
That's exactly what this means.
Yeah.
But also...
So I'm thinking it's true.
But...
I'm thinking it's true.
But then...but then
you hit another problem.
When the MILO factory edges
to the point of being historic,
you're...you're pumping that smell
to another factory.
Do you then have to build
another factory
of something else,
and then you're pumping that.
And then the exponential growth
of tubes emitting smells
across history,
in 400 to 500 years,
that's a lot of tube.
Or could you come back into
the original factory...
Ah!
..and it circulates...
Hakuna matata.
Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
So what do you think?
Is this true or a lie?
It's been a lovely reminiscence
and it's been good to feel nostalgic
about Vegemite,
which is a wonderful product...
I think it's so ridiculous
it could be true.
Yeah, I don't.
(LAUGHTER)
I think I'm with you.
I'm gonna pull rank here
and say that's a lie.
I think I'm right.
(LAUGHTER)
Alright.
We've done well to hold
the team together until now.
I've...I've changed my mind.
So you're going for true?
I've changed my mind.
It's all on you.
Charlie, true or a lie?
I think it's a lie.
It is in fact...
(CHIMING)
Yeah!
AUDIENCE: Whoa!
Yep.
I had a feeling.
The smell wafting from
the Vegemite factory
has been declared of significant
heritage value.
Alright, are you ready, Frank's team?
It's your turn.
On a film set,
Chris Hemsworth insists
on being provided a spork
for every meal.
Now, do you know what a spork is?
A spork is a cross between
a spoon and a fork.
If a spoon and a fork had a baby,
it would be a spork.
And be brought by the stork.
Yes.
Well, that doesn't seem like
a major...
That's not like a big diva-like
request, is it?
No. It's an unusual request, though.
If he'd said, like,
"I...I want a spork
"and I want the handle to be
carved out of Siamese jade
"into the shape of a mermaid
"that's got the face of Mel
from the '80s music duo
"Mel and Kim," or something...
(LAUGHTER)
You'd go, "Yeah..."
Oh, that was a wonderful adventure,
wasn't it?
I think we've got to think about
Chris Hemsworth's diet here.
I mean, to maintain that physique,
he's gonna be inputting a lot of...
Tablets.
..proteins.
Oh, sorry.
(LAUGHTER)
Lot of dragon blood.
Yeah.
You know, so, I think a spork
would come in handy
because there's be a lot of
really healthy salads
and things like that.
You don't want the protein
to slip between the little prongs
of the fork, right?
You need every single gram
to get all those abs...
I... And the lats.
..looking shipshape.
I've heard that his lats are so big
that he can't wipe his own bum.
He can't... He can't reach.
He's got to use a towel, apparently.
Alright, what you do reckon,
Team Frank?
Does he insist on a spork
for every meal?
Seems pretty reasonable...
Yeah.
..that he'd do that.
CHARLIE: Yeah, that's the name
of this game - Is It Reasonable?
But I love that the word 'spork'
is in every single one of
Chris Hemsworth's contracts.
(LAUGHS) Yeah.
That tickles me.
That's comforting.
Yeah.
Chris?
Chris, are you OK?
(LAUGHTER)
I was miles away,
riding on a dragon.
Yes.
I...
I think it's very reasonable.
Yeah, so, um, we're saying yes.
It's true.
That statement is in fact...
..a lie!
CHARLIE: Yes! Ha-ha-ha!
Not so reasonable now.
(LAUGHTER)
Everybody knows
the Hemsworths eat all meals
with their bare hands
like the savages they are.
(LAUGHTER)
Have you ever seen a Hemsworth
take down a gazelle at speed?
Oh!
Oh, just gets a paw out there,
pulls it in and,
"Num, num, num, num!"
Yes!
And the gazelle's like, "Thank you!"
(LAUGHTER)
"Take me!"
(BUZZER)
Oh, that noise signals
it's the end of the show.
Boo!
And the end...
I can reveal...
..of Chris Brown's career.
(LAUGHTER)
It's been fun, guys. Thank you.
And after tallying up the points,
you're not gonna believe this.
I can reveal that it is a draw.
What?!
Oh! What are the odds of that?!
Rematch!
(LAUGHTER)
That's it for Would I Lie to You?
Thank you so much for watching,
and remember, speak the truth
from your heart
and lies through your teeth.
Goodnight.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Captions by Red Bee Media
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Hello there.
I'm Chrissie Swan
and welcome to Would I Lie To You?,
the show where telling porky pies
wins a prize.
The first porky pie is
there is no prize.
Let's get stuck in
and meet the players, shall we?
Captain of our first team tonight is
comedian and host Charlie Pickering.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Alongside Charlie
is an actor and comedian
who performs for
Australia's troops overseas.
Welcome, Bev Killick.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Also joining Charlie
is a stand-up legend.
Please welcome randomest Ross Noble.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHS)
And captain of our second team,
it's comedian Frank Woodley!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
On Frank's team tonight
is a veterinarian and host
who brings his medical expertise to
'The Living Room' and to 'Bondi Vet'.
Here tonight to cheapen
all that trust and hard work,
it's Dr Chris Brown.
It's true.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
And she's been a newsreader,
political journalist,
consumer affairs expert
and comedy host,
it's Alex Lee.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Alright, our teams will take turns
reading stories.
It's up to the opposing team
to determine
whether the story is true or a lie.
And so to round one, Home Truths,
where panellists read out a statement
from the card in front of them.
To make things even more difficult,
they've never seen the card before,
so they've got no idea
what they'll be faced with.
Dr Chris Brown, you're up first.
I was once the target
of a citywide police chase.
(GASPS)
ROSS: Ooh!
Charlie's team, go for it.
Which city?
Yes.
Well, the...the city where I'm from.
Newcastle?
Co... Thank you.
Yes, it was Newcastle.
I always thought it was Bondi.
No, no.
'Bondi Vet'.
Don't believe the branding.
You charlatan!
OK, so, take us through this,
please.
So, you're in Newcastle
and there was, like, a citywide...
Yep, yep.
..police search for you.
Which is not that wide...
Yeah, I know.
..to be honest.
I'm loving the idea
that they just...
They released the police dogs.
(IMITATES BARKING)
And then they saw you
and then they all bowed.
(LAUGHTER)
Did it involve an animal?
I... Sort of. Sort of.
What do you mean by 'sort of'?
Let's not muck around.
No, well, it involved
parts of an animal.
What parts of animals?
Like, organs and little pieces.
It was items of...of...of value.
So, it was parts of animals?
Mm.
And you were on the run
with these parts?
I don't want the parts of animals
to distract you away from...
Then why'd you bring it up, mate?
(LAUGHTER)
'Cause I believe...
You bring up parts of animals,
that dominates the story.
I-I like to be...
I like to be thorough.
So, what was the crime
for which you were being pursued?
Just tell us succinctly.
There was a crime that you either
committed or were suspected of.
OK. I-I had stolen some items.
Including...
Dog parts.
..dog parts.
Including do...
Were you trying to build
a dog back home?
No, it was...
Had someone else stolen a dog
and stripped it for parts
and sold them off?
(LAUGHTER)
So, I... I'd been...
It was... I was at...
I was at school and, uh...
And...and we'd...we'd borrowed
some items at...at school.
What items?
Notable landmarks from Newcastle.
Oh.
Like Silverchair?
(LAUGHTER)
ROSS: Hang on a sec.
Not that... Hang on.
You're not talking about
that tower that used to be there
that looked exactly like a penis?
Mm.
Yes.
When the sun shone,
a terrifying shadow.
(LAUGHTER)
Some people were repelled,
some ran towards.
(LAUGHS)
What were these items?
So, you stole some things?
That has been brought down somewhat.
Yeah, it has, yeah.
Really?
When it collapsed,
the fella on the crane went,
"It's never happened to me before."
(LAUGHTER)
Um, so, they were notable items
from...from Newcastle and...and...
What items? What were the items?
What items?
So...so, signs from
around Newcastle,
important sort of landmarks.
What were you planning to do
with all of these things?
We didn't really get that far.
(LAUGHS)
OK, so you've stolen some stuff
from around town.
It feels like a bit of a -
am I right? -
like a Year 12 muck-up
sort of thing to do.
Yeah, it was...it was... Sure.
No, no, not sure. It's your story.
I'm asking you.
Where did the dog bits come from?
How do they fit into the...
We took them from
a...a butcher shop.
A dog?
Dog bits?
No, the pieces of...
Animal bits.
..animal bits.
I think we've put dog onto it.
OK, yes.
That's all of your creation.
It's actually just animal bits.
They were animal bits.
Look, I don't know how...how much
you value your participation
in this particular game show,
which I think is...
I really appreciate, but you're
fuckin' up your brand, buddy.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Not the fun guy we thought he was.
But the other important thing,
we had a, um...
We had a police scanner and so
we knew that...that they were...
They were onto us.
So, you were a delinquent?
I mean, do I not look like one?
No, you do not.
Charlie's team, what do you think?
Are you believing any of this?
I know Chris very well.
No-one tells an anecdote
quite like Dr Chris Brown,
one of the great storytellers
I've ever known.
I don't know what the fuck this was.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
What do you reckon, Ross?
Maybe it's a clever double-bluff,
you know?
Like, he's gone, "I'll tell
some weird story about offal
"that doesn't make any sense
to human beings,"
and then we go, "Oh, that's a lie.
It's gotta be a lie."
Are you buying it, Bev?
I'm not. I'm not buying it.
It's just... I don't know. He's just
such a nice guy, aren't you, Chris?
Yeah, I'm not buying it
and, not only that,
if he diagnosed my dog,
I would no longer believe it.
(LAUGHTER)
That looks like three lies there.
Is that what we're going with?
Yeah, we are gonna go with
that's a lie.
Chris Brown,
put us out of our misery.
Is that true or a lie?
(SIGHS)
That is...
..true.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Unbelievable.
BEV: That's unbelievable.
No!
Sorry, now we know it's true,
what happened with the animal bits?
(LAUGHTER)
You...you...
I went to a selective high school
in Newcastle, alright, and...
Doesn't sound like
they were that selective.
(LAUGHTER)
And after years of being frustrated
with...with being called Nerd High,
I thought, "You know what? We're
gonna teach this city a lesson."
"We're gonna go on
an incoherent adventure!"
"We're tougher than they think."
It all went horribly wrong.
The police were converging
on where we had to go.
We dumped them in a park
and then scurried home
like the crime lords we are.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Great.
What a story!
It is true,
and joining us to make
the long-awaited arrest,
it's Constable Burford!
(LAUGHTER)
OK, Charlie, you're up.
Oh, OK.
When Bunnings is short on staff,
I approach customers and offer
to help with any questions.
Oh, definitely true.
(LAUGHTER)
Frank's team,
where do you want to start?
So, um, what, for example...
When was...
When were you last in Bunnings?
I was last in Bunnings
a week and a half ago.
Help anybody on that occasion?
I didn't on that particular trip,
no, I did not.
OK, we'll have to find an example
when you did help somebody.
Um...
(LAUGHTER)
So, about three months ago,
there was a guy who was looking lost
and he was looking for door handles
and I had recently replaced
all the door handles in my house
and I went up to him and said,
"What are you looking for?"
And he goes, "Door handles,"
and I was, like, "37."
No!
(LAUGHS)
And I said, "If you hit hooks,
you've gone too far."
What's the most kind of deep you've
gone in terms of helping somebody
at Bunnings?
My Bunnings has...has two levels
and it has, like, a...
Oh, it's your Bunnings now, is it?
Yeah. (LAUGHS)
Someone's given themselves
a promotion.
(LAUGHTER)
Upstairs is paints,
but also upstairs,
a lot of people don't know this,
is also ceiling fans for bathrooms,
and the guy was looking
for a ceiling fan
and I actually went up
the travelator.
I took the ride with him.
I said, "I'm going up there myself
"to get some of that blue tape
for painting."
And I said, "Come with me.
I'll show you where it is."
So, I actually walked someone
onto the travelator, we...
It was slow and quite awkward,
I'll be honest,
going up next to each other.
And then we got to the top with this
guy, and I said, "This is me here,
"but that's Stephanie.
"She'll show you
where the ceiling fans are."
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
It all started, though...
It was literally just once.
I helped one person.
It was about a year and a half ago
and I got a giddy thrill.
Yep.
So, you know your store, do you?
Yeah, know it back to front.
If I want a doormat,
what area do I go to? What aisle?
Yeah.
Next to doors,
and that is 27 at the back.
Home security systems?
Home security systems, aisle 3.
Outdoor lighting?
There is... Sorry, there's also a
special display of the Ring devices.
You know, like,
the networked, wi-fi-based system,
that's just near
the key-cutting centre.
It's not in an aisle.
Righto.
You know, Charlie,
are you on the spectrum?
(LAUGHTER)
That's Dulux Paints
right in the middle.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
What do you think, Frank's team?
Have you got enough information
to make a call?
So, what are we thinking?
(SIGHS)
I'm...I'm torn. I mean,
you know Charlie better than me.
Is he a particularly helpful guy
at any other times in his life?
He just loves...
No, he's very helpful.
He just loves to hear
the sound of his own voice.
It's so Charlie to do this.
(LAUGHTER)
It's feeling pretty true, isn't it?
Mm.
Hmm...
Yeah, I'm thinking true.
Oh, we've got a 'hmm'.
I'm gonna go lie.
OK, lie.
This guy is a trained lawyer.
Like, he knows how to lie.
Yeah, yeah.
Like, that's his...
That was the whole background.
When he was a lawyer, though,
if anyone came in,
he'd give 'em a price,
he'd beat everyone else by 10%.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
True or lie, friends?
I think lie.
We've got a lie here.
I think...I think it's a lie.
Ooh!
OK, so we're gonna say
we think it's a lie.
Charlie, is your story true or a lie?
It is...
..a lie.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
BEV: Very good. Well done.
I believed you.
Well done.
It is, of course, a lie.
Charlie's only helpful and friendly
if the cameras are on.
(LAUGHS)
VOICEOVER: Still to come...
Dragons exist, man.
But they're not dragons!
They are dragons!
They're not dragons!
(LAUGHS) I'm so confused!
No, I think you need to leave.
This has been
a very bad career move tonight.
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?
OK, Ross, your time has come.
Oh.
(BEEP!)
(READS) Up until recently,
I believed in dragons.
(LAUGHTER)
Seriously...
OK.
So, I would say
that most of us probably
believe in dragons
until, you know, maybe five, six.
Then you realise, "Oh, no, they're
mythical storybook creatures."
So why did you hold onto
that belief for so long?
Because of komodo...
(LAUGHTER)
The komodo...
(CHRIS LAUGHS)
Are you familiar with
the Komodo area?
I am, yep. It's in New Guinea,
is it?
Indonesia.
Indonesia?
So no is the answer. (LAUGHS)
(LAUGHTER)
Oh.
Look, it's one of those things
where...
I love the natural world, right?
and the komodo dragons,
when I was a small child,
I saw the komodo dragon
and I thought...
You know, and I used to read
a lot of fantasy stuff,
and I went, "Oh, that's a dragon,"
and then it wasn't until
I was watching a documentary
about the komodo dragon
that I literally went, "Oh, yeah,
they're not dragons."
(LAUGHTER)
So did you think komodo dragons
breathed fire
and had little wings
that they could flap away in?
No, well, I knew they didn't,
like fly,
but when I was a kid it was like,
"That's a komodo dragon,"
so I went, "Oh, right,
so that's a dragon,"
and then I never gave it
another thought.
And then I was watching
a documentary and I went,
"Oh, my God, I'm a grown man..."
(LAUGHTER)
"And I've never bothered
to think about
"whether that's not a dragon,
it's just a big lizard."
Because of your demeanour,
there is a little part of me
that feels at the end of the show
you'll get on a dragon and fly away.
Yes!
(LAUGHTER)
You look like you've walked
off the set of, you know,
'The House of Dragons'.
Somebody did once heckle me.
Somebody went, "Oi!"
And I went, "What?" And he went,
"You look like every single
character from 'Lord of the Rings'."
(LAUGHTER)
So, the only defining feature
of a dragon as you see it,
that makes a dragon a dragon,
is the ability to breathe fire,
is that what you feel like
the komodo has let you down on?
And the wings, and the wings.
And also the fact it's not a dragon.
But it is a dragon!
What do you mean, it's a dragon?
I hate to burst your bubble.
They are actually...
They're called dragons.
I've seen one.
In Australia we have dragons.
They're called water dragons.
We have dragons.
Dragons exist, man!
But they're not dragons.
They are dragons!
They're not dragons!
No, but that...
That was where my confusion lay.
That was the...
They're not dragons.
You've been treating him
like he's an idiot...
Yeah!
Chris Brown still hasn't got it.
(LAUGHTER)
And he is a man of science!
He is a man of science!
He has stuck his finger
up a number of dragons!
Chris, just 'cause
they're called dragons
doesn't mean they're dragons.
I went to university
for a very long time
and they told me dragons were real.
We'll have a counsellor for you
waiting as soon as this show is over.
But...but dragons are real.
BEV: That is scary.
Oh, no!
I don't get why
a dragon needs to fly.
When is a dragon
not enough for you, Ross?
Like, they...they exist.
No, no, don't get me wrong.
The, you know, say, it's Chi...
You weren't expecting the issue
he would take with this
is that you've decided
they're not real.
(LAUGHTER)
But the thing is, though, right,
it's Chinese New Year.
Oh, they're having a bit of a dance.
Dragon, right?
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, but Chinese New Year, like,
they have those mythical characters
with all the big mane
and everything, like the lion.
Next you're gonna be telling us
that lions are true.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm so confused!
Me too!
I've managed to convince Chris
that he's telling the story
and I'm pulling him up on it.
(LAUGHTER)
This is a Would I Lie To You? first.
He's an educated man, I'm not.
You can see...
He's a vet.
This has been
a very bad career move tonight.
Very, very poor choice.
People bring their lizards in,
he goes, "Ooh, mini dragon?"
(LAUGHTER)
Alright, Frank's team,
we're gonna need an answer.
We're gonna need you
to cobble together something.
I'm excluding myself from this one.
Yes, you are. Allowed.
It's up to us, Alex.
Between Alex and Frank,
what do you think?
Until recently he thought
that dragons were real.
I'm starting to think yes.
I think dragons are real
and lizards are not
at this point.
I'm starting to feel quite confident
that I'm not real.
(LAUGHTER)
OK, so what are we thinking?
I guess it's...
I guess it's true.
I think it's true,
what he believes...
I'm sorry.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, the issue is not whether
or not dragons are real or not,
it's what he believed,
and we believe until recently...
No, we don't!
(LAUGHTER)
Until recently...
No.
I think no.
I think you need to leave.
(LAUGHTER)
No! Aw!
No, no. Come back, come back.
True or a lie?
Did Ross until quite recently
believe that dragons were real?
Which they are!
Which they are.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
I think true.
I think true!
True.
We think...true?
Ross, is it true or a lie?
Of course it's a lie!
(CHIMING)
(CHRISSIE LAUGHS)
Of course it is!
Of course, of course it's a lie.
(READS) Until recently
I believe in dragons.
(LAUGHTER)
Of course it's a lie!
What is wrong with you?
This show, it's this show.
This show is...
CHARLIE: Do you know
what's really interesting?
Until very recently,
I believed in Dr Chris Brown.
(LAUGHTER)
It is a lie.
Ross doesn't believe in dragons.
Coming up, what if I told you
that one of our guests
has half a face
never touched by a phone?
We call on them next
on Would I Lie To You?
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Welcome back.
Now, who here wants to admit
to having an unusual
mobile phone hang-up?
(LAUGHTER)
You, Ross. Of course.
What is it, Ross?
I got a mobile phone
in the early '90s, you know,
when they were analogue.
And I'd read a thing that said,
"Oh, they give you, like,
brain tumours and stuff,"
so I decided at that point
I would only ever hold my phone
to my left ear,
and I've never put a mobile phone
to my right ear, ever.
What is the logic?
Because then
if I get a brain tumour,
I'll know it's right.
So you're not avoiding a tumour,
you just want to know
where it originated.
Checks out.
And I guess, in theory, if you're
gonna get a brain tumour,
you'd rather have only one
on one side...
Than...
..rather than both sides.
Exactly. Don't want to be like...
Yeah, it's smarter than it seems.
..Princess Leia with them
hanging out my ears.
(LAUGHTER)
Alrighty...
Wouldn't you want to share it...
Sorry, Chris.
But wouldn't you want to
share it around.
like, share the radiation around?
That's why you're a man of science
and I'm...
(LAUGHTER)
..I'm a man of art.
(LAUGHTER)
Our next round is called
This Is My...
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
This week, each of Charlie's team
will claim it's them
that had the genuine connection
to the guest.
It's up to Frank's team to spot
who's telling the truth.
so please give a warm welcome
to this week's special guest, Fiona.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS)
Let's start with you, Bev.
Who is Fiona to you?
This is Fiona.
She witnessed me go full frontal
during a karaoke performance
that went too far.
(LAUGHTER)
Ross, who is Fiona to you?
This is Fiona,
and she fixes my pinball machines.
Ooh!
And Charlie, who is Fiona to you?
Well, this is Fiona.
She was my nanny who was hired
and fired on the same day.
So there we have it.
Is Fiona Bev's
bare-arsed ballad beholder,
Ross's pinball repair person
or Charlie's nanosecond nanny?
Alright, Frank's team,
let's start with Bev.
What do you reckon?
So, first thing, how do you
know each other?
We used to go to karaoke frequently,
and we started a group called
the K Club.
What happened?
So I'm singing away, singing away,
it was a hot night,
I got my top part off 'cause I'm
singing 'Natural Woman'.
Yeah.
Who's that song by?
Aretha Franklin.
Gotcha!
(LAUGHTER)
I actually don't know,
but she said it confidently.
And so, paint the picture for us.
You were singing 'You Make Me
Feel Like (A Natural Woman)'...
And I'd forgotten
that I wasn't wearing underwear.
And there were people walking past,
it was a hot summer night,
and there was a window...
It was a hot summer night
and the moon was out.
(LAUGHTER)
Bev, were you allowed to finish
your song?
Yes, and...
In the nude?
In the nude.
What was Fiona's reaction
when you did bare all?
"Yay!"
Something like that.
(LAUGHTER)
Shall we move on to Ross?
Ross, remind us again
who Fiona is to you.
She fixes my pinball machines.
That's right.
There would be very few pinball
machine mechanics
working in Australia today,
I would think.
Very true, yeah.
So Fiona's one of those select few.
Yes. I was...
Yeah, go on.
Sorry.
No.
No, no, you go.
No, no, you. You, you.
(LAUGHTER)
No, no, no.
I insist.
Please, no.
We can toss.
No, please.
It's getting annoying.
Someone intervene!
(LAUGHTER)
So, how many pinball machines
have you got?
I have two.
OK, and describe the first time
she came to fix a pinball machine.
Well, she... What...
My old house used to have...
I had to keep the pinball machines
in the garage,
and Fiona lives up the road from me,
and as you said before,
there's very few pinball mechanics
in Australia,
and it's her job.
She was walking past with her dog
and she looked into the garage,
I had the garage door up,
and went, "Is that an original
Indiana Jones?"
And then we got chatting,
she said, "I fix them,"
and then, sure enough,
when the...when the bridge went,
uh, I saw her walking the dog, I
said, "Can you service this for me?"
Bang. And now she's...
Yeah, she does the pinball machines.
You said that it's very rare
to find a pinball mechanic.
Yes. I don't know
if that's the right term.
As luck would have it...
Operatives?
..one of my best friends
is actually a pinball mechanic.
Shut your face!
(LAUGHTER)
Shut your actual face.
'Cause this would be pretty wild.
Is it Fiona?
(LAUGHTER)
He actually is.
Does he fix the modern ones
or does he fix the class...
Or does he do the full range?
Well, what they do is they actually
offer service with every purchase.
Right.
So you wouldn't have to
get in a mechanic
to fix your said pinball machine.
The place that I purchased them
is in the UK,
and therefore, no, they do not offer
a lifetime...
And also they're old machines.
Alright, shall we move on to Charlie?
Who's Fiona to you?
Remind us again.
This is Fiona, she was my nanny,
and she was hired and fired
on the same day.
She looks a bit young
to be your nanny.
Like, she looked after you
when you were a child?
Yeah, when I was about 10.
10 or 11.
What?! And she was about six?
BEV: Isn't that too old
to be looked after?
No, she was...she was 19, 20
at the time.
No, she wasn't.
You want us to believe that this
woman is 10 years older?
You've forced me to do something
I did not want to do.
She's from the 19...
Fiona, I'm very sorry.
I'm so sorry about this. I...
Leave it there, I reckon.
Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
With absolute certainty,
you are wrong about Fiona's age.
So, have you got some...
'Cause I hadn't heard about your
premature ageing disease.
(LAUGHTER)
I was about 10 or 11.
Fiona was about 19, 20.
She's from the 1920s, she is.
(LAUGHTER)
She looks well.
He's a man of science.
So you're saying she's between
53 and 55 years old?
You said it, not me.
But, yeah, that's...
Absurd.
You can shake your head.
You're wrong.
(LAUGHTER)
'Cause what she did was noble.
She did not!
She certainly did not!
(LAUGHTER)
How dare you? How dare you?
And how old are you, Ross?
(LAUGHTER)
Look, she tweaked the flippers
and that was it.
(LAUGHTER)
That was it.
OK, what...what did she do?
Yeah.
So she was hired to be my nanny.
I snuck one of my mum's cigarettes
and smoked...
tried to smoke a cigarette.
Fiona stopped me from smoking it,
and then my mum got home
and smelled smoke in the house.
Fiona covered for me,
and she said she had been smoking.
WOMAN: Ooh!
And Mum asked her to leave.
She'd said no smoking in the house.
It was a rule.
The smoking would explain
the premature ageing, though.
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHS)
Alright, we need an answer.
Is Fiona Bev's
bare-arsed ballad beholder,
Ross's pinball repair person
or Charlie's nanosecond nanny?
I mean, I just think
people who repair pinball machines
probably look like massive weirdos.
(LAUGHTER)
So you think it's Fiona.
(LAUGHS)
We think it's right. No, not at all.
If you're into pinballs, you look
like this guy, you know what I mean?
It's a good point well made, that,
yeah.
OK, what are you thinking, Chris?
I'm just not convinced Charlie has
ever smoked a cigarette in his life.
Well, at one point was smoking
over two packs a day.
I mean, he wasn't smoking them,
Fiona was smoking them for him.
And we've got Bev,
the karaoke full-frontal view.
There's no question
you've done that.
(LAUGHTER)
What can I say, Frank?
But did Fiona witness it?
Yeah, was she one of the thousands
who did?
I guess I believe Charlie the most.
The age thing just doesn't work
for me at all in terms of that.
CHRIS: No.
Um, so...
I'm...I'm thinking Bev.
I'm thinking Bev as well.
ALEX: Alright.
We're gonna go with Bev.
CHRISSIE: We're gonna go with Bev?
Alright, Fiona, go ahead
and reveal your identity.
I am Fiona. I witnessed Bev...
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
..go full frontal...
(LAUGHS) ..full frontal
during a karaoke performance
that went too far.
Can I hug her?
Of course.
She needs all the support
she can get.
Bev, that night
you were an extremely natural woman.
I was.
Everybody, big round of applause
for the gorgeous Fiona.
Thank you.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
We'll be back with more
in just a jiffy.
Alright, it's time to ramp up
the pace and play Quick Fire Lies.
These guests have no idea
what they're about to read
on the card in front of them.
It could be a true tale
from their life
or a tall tale we made up.
Frank, it's over to you.
(READS) I got detained
at the airport
after security became suspicious
of my bodily fluids.
Oh, God!
(LAUGHTER)
Which airport
and which bodily fluids?
It was the Melbourne Airport.
Yes.
And, um, it was, uh...
Sweat?
No, like runny...
Saliva?
Snot?
It was snot.
ROSS: Mucus. Mucus.
Yeah, mucus, mucus.
Yeah, snot.
It was mucus.
I think it's a little bit viscous
for a fluid, to be honest.
Yeah, so...
Now who's a man of science?
(LAUGHTER)
Yes, yes.
OK, so mucus.
Mucus.
At the...
Could we use a d...
'Cause 'mucus' is bad.
'Mucus' is a really bad...
Could we say 'nasal excretions'?
Can we use 'nasal excretions'?
Would you like 'sputum'?
No, I do not like 'sputum'.
A goober. A goober.
Goober. Goobers.
BEV: Goober.
It was a goober.
OK, so what happened next?
I was in Sydney,
and I was in a hotel room,
in, like, they've got a...the gym,
sometimes hotels have, like,
a little gym attached to them.
I was on the exercise bike,
I'd been going
for about 15 minutes, I think,
and I just sort of went...
(SNIFFLES) ..like that.
And I looked down and went,
"Oh, that's not good.
"That's not ideal."
You had a snail trail up your hand.
I had quite a snail trail there.
I'd gone...
I was 20 minutes into
my 25-minute routine.
There was nobody else in the gym,
and I did at that point
make a split decision,
rather than going to the bathroom,
I just decided to rub it...
Yeah.
..until it kind of became
less viscous,
dried up into, like, a little ball,
and I went...
I know, if I had my life
to live again,
I'd probably go down
a different path, but...
(LAUGHTER)
I... At that point, I just went,
"I'll pop that into my pocket..."
Oh, dear God!
And I forgot about it.
On the plane
from Sydney to Melbourne...
CHARLIE: Uh-huh.
..and when we landed...
Yeah.
One of the little dog...
the beagles came over,
gave me...paid me
quite a bit of attention.
And then they...they cordoned me off
and they took me through
into the customs area
and they went through all my stuff.
And it was at the point
where the guy was going through
my backpack
and he pulled out my tracksuit pants
and he started to go through
the pockets of my tracksuit pants.
Eugh!
ALEX: Oh!
But I went, "Oh, I remember
a little incident from earlier."
(LAUGHTER)
And he reached in
and he took out the said goober...
Mm.
..held it in his hands.
Just in his hands.
Oh, God!
Held it in his hands, and he went...
..what's that?
(LAUGHTER)
And I said, "I don't know
what that is."
He leant down and he pulled up
a little plastic bag,
opened it up, popped it in there...
Oh, goodness.
BEV: No!
Sealed it, and it was sent away
to a lab.
I would have just said 'drugs'
at the point.
"It's drugs." I would rather be
arrested for drugs than that.
That would have been
less humiliating.
Did you get results back
from the lab?
I'm interested to see what it was.
No, I never heard about it,
but I assume at some point
he got a letter
and he opened it up and said,
"It's snot, you dickhead!"
(LAUGHTER)
OK, so what are you feeling
about this story from Frank?
I can tell you, Frank and I were
coming through an airport once
from New Zealand,
and the bloke with the...
The dog sat down
and the fella said to Frank,
"Do you have any fruit in that bag?"
and Frank said, "No."
The man reached into the bag...
Do you remember this?
No. (LAUGHS)
(LAUGHTER)
And pulled out a full guava.
(LAUGHTER)
That's fancy fruit!
And the fella actually went,
"That's fruit, isn't it?"
And he went, "Oh, yeah,
I forgot about that."
(LAUGHTER)
We'd...from a group...
And there was another occasion
when I was going into New Zealand
where I'd, somehow, I'd managed
to take a little plastic bag
of my dog's poo.
Because I...
No!
I'd been at the park
and I'd picked it up from him,
and then I'd put it in the jacket
and forgot about it.
So the guy was, like...
The guy in customs
actually said to me,
"At what point in time,
"when you were planning
this overseas journey,
"did you say to yourself,
'Mustn't forget to pack the poo'?
(LAUGHTER)
Right now there's a room somewhere
at a fella there like that,
and just shelves with snot,
guavas, shit.
Just, like, and it's got
'The Frank Woodley Memorial...'
(LAUGHTER)
I'm gonna need an answer.
What do you think it is?
Personally, I've seen it happen
to him.
True.
So I think it's true.
Bev?
He is a bit of a silly bugger.
We've definitely established that.
Silly booger?
No, we're gonna say it's true.
Alright. Frank Woodley,
is this true or a lie?
Well, that story is a complete true.
Hey!
(CHIMING)
Yes! Of course it is!
(LAUGHTER)
Amazing!
No way!
Sorry, Chrissie, can I swap seats?
Yeah, old Frankie snot-pockets.
(LAUGHTER)
There was...
There was not a single thing he said
that I questioned there.
(LAUGHTER)
It is true, or should I say,
'snot' a lie.
(LAUGHTER)
Ai!
It's time for a break.
We'll see you soon.
VOICEOVER: Watch celebs
bamboozle each other
with full episodes on 10 play.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
We're back!
Next up, it's you, Bev Killick.
(READS) Aside from undergarments,
I haven't bought
a new item of clothing since 1999.
(FRANK LAUGHS)
AUDIENCE: Whoa!
Impressive if true.
What is the reasoning
behind not buying any new clothes?
I'm against sweatshops
and stuff like that,
and just didn't see the point.
There's so much landfill.
Everything that I buy
is from somewhere else.
I don't buy retail.
So, like, op shops?
Yes, op shops only.
So no new clothes at all,
'cause of a moral standpoint?
Yes, that's right.
OK.
So I beg, borrow and steal.
Sometimes, you know, I'll walk past
a nice big pile of...
What's the stuff they put out
in the street? What's that?
Hard rubbish?
Hard rubbish! And...
Oh, thank God. I thought you were
gonna say 'the homeless' there.
(LAUGHTER)
If you go to an op shop,
surely you...
So you steal from... You need to
buy them from the op shop.
Oh, yeah.
No, but Bev says she hasn't bought
any new clothes.
I haven't bought. New clothes.
Oh, any new clothes!
So that... So you can buy
second-hand clothes.
That's considered...
That's right.
Why did you draw the line on 1999?
Was it a particularly good year
for fashion?
I just thought, you know,
there's a new millennium coming,
and aliens
are gonna be visiting us soon
and got to look good.
Tell us the story of the dress
you're wearing now.
Where did you get it from?
Was that hard rubbish?
I got this from the Salvos.
I'll just show you.
It's gorgeous, Bev.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
So...
Hey, Bev, Bev,
can you give us a Marilyn Monroe
'Happy Birthday Mr President'?
Down the...
Got a fan blower anywhere?
Where's Bev's camera?
She said, "Have I? Can you see it?"
(AUDIENCE SQUEALS)
(AUDIENCE WHOOPS)
I mean, Charlie asked for
'Happy Birthday Mr President',
not 'Some Like It Hot',
but thank you for that.
I've got that mixed up.
MAN: Lordy!
Can we go to an ad break?
I need a moment.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah.
What's your verdict, guys?
I personally think it's true.
I think Bev's up for the challenge.
Yeah.
I don't like it.
But I think it's true.
Because you love sweatshops.
I love sweatshops,
And landfill.
And landfill.
Alright, we're locking in true?
Yeah.
Bev Killick, is that true or a lie?
It is...
..a lie!
(CHIMING)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Bravo. Bravo!
And you believed me!
That is the miracle.
It is, of course, a lie.
Alex, it is over to you.
Alright.
(READS) I tricked a child
into believing that I
was her robot slave.
Oh! I love the way you read that,
'cause at the end you went...
(ROBOTICALLY)
"I was her robot slave."
(LAUGHTER)
That was...
That was subtly manipulative.
Does not compute.
Was the child an idiot?
I mean, aren't they all?
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, got a point.
So where was this?
Like, how did you have access
to a child?
Well, it was a gig I had
performing at a museum,
and I was pretending to be a robot.
Were you, like, a...
(ROBOTICALLY) "I am a robot."
Was it one of them
or were you just...
Actually, you would be an android.
It's a lie.
(LAUGHTER)
Were you in human form
pretending to be an android
or did you have some form of,
like, box?
(ROBOTICALLY) "I am a robot!"
You should really share around that
mobile phone usage on the brain.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah.
It's not working out for you.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Alex, I think what Ross
is trying to say
is describe your costume.
Oh, OK.
I... It would be more accurate
to say that I was an android.
Right, so it's definitely a lie.
But you convinced them.
I did, yeah, so I was...
My role as a performer
at this museum
was to sort of demonstrate
the capabilities
of...of androids life,
and the children were there, and
they were allowed to ask questions.
And how did you know
that this child was convinced?
They just kept asking questions,
and they became very invested
in me as...
..as a potential android.
And did you have
a funny android voice?
Yeah, I did.
How did that sound?
Uh... (ROBOTICALLY)
"I am here to help you
"in whichever way you require."
Oh, I believe that.
What museum was it?
What kind of museum?
The Museum of Bullshit.
(LAUGHTER)
Did you have a name?
Yes. Yeah, I did.
And what was the name of your robot?
It was Ann...Droid.
OK.
(LAUGHTER)
Very good.
Ann Droid.
Alright, Charlie's team,
what do you think?
True or a lie?
Well, it's rickety, I'll say that.
The whole presentation
has been rickety.
BEV: Could be a little bit true.
I'm feeling like it could be true.
So shonky, wasn't it?
Everything was so shonky.
I think it...it stinks of a lie,
but I think it's so shonky.
I think it might be true.
Yeah, go on, then.
Yeah. We're going to say that
that story is true.
Alex, I'm surprised
they've gone with true.
Is it true or a lie?
Sorry, it was...
..true.
(CHIMING)
Yes!
Yes! Yes!
Well played. Well done!
We should have known,
because a robot can't lie.
(LAUGHS)
Can robots tell a lie?
It is true, giving us a glimpse
into the future
when we're all replaced
by the Alex Lee 4000.
Stick around for more
Would I Lie To You?
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Welcome back.
Next round is Could It Be?
where our teams are given
a general statement
that has nothing to do with them,
and they must decide
whether it's lies or legit.
Charlie's team, you're up first.
Alrighty.
The smell of a Vegemite factory
has been heritage-listed. (LAUGHS)
Ooh. (SIGHS)
It's got a really pungent odour.
Yeah.
Isn't it made from, like,
the bottom of a beer barrel?
Yeah, it's...
Yeast. Yeast.
It's the yeast from the bottom
of a fermented beer barrel.
My bedroom smells like that
sometimes.
(LAUGHTER)
I really don't know what to do
with that, Bev.
(LAUGHTER)
Exactly what I was gonna say, Bev.
But if you can heritage-list smells,
like, that's, like, a sense,
there's probably other things, like,
maybe you could heritage-list the
feeling of running across hot sand
in bare feet just as a feeling.
The feeling of driving a ute
in thongs and it's slipping off
and whoa!
(LAUGHTER)
Get it... Get it back on in time
before I get to the light.
But can you heritage-list a smell?
I mean, doesn't a heritage listing
mean nothing can happen to it?
And in my experience,
smells can just disappear.
Like, it's hard to just...
So the smell can't be destroyed,
it's got to remain there,
but you can...
Not the factory, just the smell.
So you could pull the factory down,
build another factory,
maybe a MILO factory,
but in that factory you'd have to
cover all the internal workings
in a massive
kind of airproof bladder
that led to a pipeline...
(LAUGHS)
..that pumped the MILO smell out
in some distant location,
and then with another machine
be pumping Vegemite smell
into the vicinity
around the factory...
That's exactly what this means.
Yeah.
But also...
So I'm thinking it's true.
But...
I'm thinking it's true.
But then...but then
you hit another problem.
When the MILO factory edges
to the point of being historic,
you're...you're pumping that smell
to another factory.
Do you then have to build
another factory
of something else,
and then you're pumping that.
And then the exponential growth
of tubes emitting smells
across history,
in 400 to 500 years,
that's a lot of tube.
Or could you come back into
the original factory...
Ah!
..and it circulates...
Hakuna matata.
Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
So what do you think?
Is this true or a lie?
It's been a lovely reminiscence
and it's been good to feel nostalgic
about Vegemite,
which is a wonderful product...
I think it's so ridiculous
it could be true.
Yeah, I don't.
(LAUGHTER)
I think I'm with you.
I'm gonna pull rank here
and say that's a lie.
I think I'm right.
(LAUGHTER)
Alright.
We've done well to hold
the team together until now.
I've...I've changed my mind.
So you're going for true?
I've changed my mind.
It's all on you.
Charlie, true or a lie?
I think it's a lie.
It is in fact...
(CHIMING)
Yeah!
AUDIENCE: Whoa!
Yep.
I had a feeling.
The smell wafting from
the Vegemite factory
has been declared of significant
heritage value.
Alright, are you ready, Frank's team?
It's your turn.
On a film set,
Chris Hemsworth insists
on being provided a spork
for every meal.
Now, do you know what a spork is?
A spork is a cross between
a spoon and a fork.
If a spoon and a fork had a baby,
it would be a spork.
And be brought by the stork.
Yes.
Well, that doesn't seem like
a major...
That's not like a big diva-like
request, is it?
No. It's an unusual request, though.
If he'd said, like,
"I...I want a spork
"and I want the handle to be
carved out of Siamese jade
"into the shape of a mermaid
"that's got the face of Mel
from the '80s music duo
"Mel and Kim," or something...
(LAUGHTER)
You'd go, "Yeah..."
Oh, that was a wonderful adventure,
wasn't it?
I think we've got to think about
Chris Hemsworth's diet here.
I mean, to maintain that physique,
he's gonna be inputting a lot of...
Tablets.
..proteins.
Oh, sorry.
(LAUGHTER)
Lot of dragon blood.
Yeah.
You know, so, I think a spork
would come in handy
because there's be a lot of
really healthy salads
and things like that.
You don't want the protein
to slip between the little prongs
of the fork, right?
You need every single gram
to get all those abs...
I... And the lats.
..looking shipshape.
I've heard that his lats are so big
that he can't wipe his own bum.
He can't... He can't reach.
He's got to use a towel, apparently.
Alright, what you do reckon,
Team Frank?
Does he insist on a spork
for every meal?
Seems pretty reasonable...
Yeah.
..that he'd do that.
CHARLIE: Yeah, that's the name
of this game - Is It Reasonable?
But I love that the word 'spork'
is in every single one of
Chris Hemsworth's contracts.
(LAUGHS) Yeah.
That tickles me.
That's comforting.
Yeah.
Chris?
Chris, are you OK?
(LAUGHTER)
I was miles away,
riding on a dragon.
Yes.
I...
I think it's very reasonable.
Yeah, so, um, we're saying yes.
It's true.
That statement is in fact...
..a lie!
CHARLIE: Yes! Ha-ha-ha!
Not so reasonable now.
(LAUGHTER)
Everybody knows
the Hemsworths eat all meals
with their bare hands
like the savages they are.
(LAUGHTER)
Have you ever seen a Hemsworth
take down a gazelle at speed?
Oh!
Oh, just gets a paw out there,
pulls it in and,
"Num, num, num, num!"
Yes!
And the gazelle's like, "Thank you!"
(LAUGHTER)
"Take me!"
(BUZZER)
Oh, that noise signals
it's the end of the show.
Boo!
And the end...
I can reveal...
..of Chris Brown's career.
(LAUGHTER)
It's been fun, guys. Thank you.
And after tallying up the points,
you're not gonna believe this.
I can reveal that it is a draw.
What?!
Oh! What are the odds of that?!
Rematch!
(LAUGHTER)
That's it for Would I Lie to You?
Thank you so much for watching,
and remember, speak the truth
from your heart
and lies through your teeth.
Goodnight.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Captions by Red Bee Media