Would I Lie to You? (2022–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - Episode #2.2 - full transcript

(THEME MUSIC)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Well, hello, there.

I'm Chrissy Swan
and welcome to Would I Lie To You?,

the only show where lying
is an honest day's work.

Let's get to it and meet the players.

As a TV host,
he's comfortable with breaking news,

but he's here tonight
to bend some truths.

Team captain, Charlie Pickering.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Joining Charlie,
an icon of Aussie entertainment



who's appeared on
countless TV programs, radio shows,

a ton of award ceremonies,
not to mention his comedy specials,

Dave Hughes.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

G'day.

And a comedian who lost
her driver's licence four times.

Hoping tonight for a win
and, I dare say, a lift home,

it's Nina Oyama.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

After sell-out shows
and spending 30 years on TV,

it's the team captain you can take
to the bank, Mr Frank Woodley.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

On Frank's team tonight,
he's a co-host of 'Eurovision',

described as the Olympics
of song contests,



making him the Bruce McAvaney
of sequins.

It's Joel Creasey.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Totally get that reference.

And also, a Tasmanian senator

and leader of
the Jacqui Lambie Network,

a party that vows to
keep the bastards honest,

it's Jacqui Lambie.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Here's how we play. Our teams
will take turns reading stories.

It's up to the opposing team

to determine whether
the story is true or a lie.

The team with the most
correct guesses wins. Simple.

So, to round one, Home Truths,

where panellists read out a statement
from a card in front of them.

To make things trickier,
they've never seen the card before.

They have no idea
what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sort
the fact from the fabrication.

Hughesy, you are up first tonight.

(CHANTS) Take it off!

Oh, no, wrong show.
(LAUGHTER)

Let's focus on the show we're on.
Yes.

Now, here we go. (EXHALES)

I was once the face
of a financial scam.

(GASPS)

AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Ooh!
Frank's team.

(LAUGHS)

Ooh!
Wow.

I think it's rough
to call 2DayFM a financial scam.

(LAUGHTER)

Tune in in the morning.
We may give you a Hyundai!

(LAUGHTER)

So...so, some kind
of financial scam used you.

Tell us, how did that work?

It was years ago, absolutely,
before I was well known,

so when I'm saying I was
the face of a financial scam,

I was on the...

I was grassroots financial scam.

So, how did it work?

I was on the dole
for a number of years

and Centrelink did believe in me,
but they didn't sponsor me enough...

(LAUGHTER)

..so I had to find other ways
to make money,

and one of those ways involved
ripping off members of the public.

So, you...
So, you were the actual scammer?

Yeah, I would drive around
to businesses, mainly.

Businesses.

I would knock on the door
of a business

and I would walk into
the business and say,

"Would you like to save money
off your...your telephone bill?"

(LAUGHTER)
Is anybody else...

Is anybody else getting the kind of
the 'this is bullshit' vibe?

No, well, some at the time
did as well, but no.

Uh, no, I would say...

I would say I'm from this company
and if you sign a cheque to me -

it was back in the cheque days -

if you sign a cheque for $49,

and I will ensure that every month
when you pay your telephone bill,

a cheque will come to you
in the mail, 10% refund,

which is, you know...

(LAUGHS)
Do the maths. It was a real saving.

Can I say,
I know this is a financial scam,

but whoever fell for that
deserved it, alright?

(LAUGHS)

Anyone who cut a cheque
for 49 bucks to you

'cause you walked in and said,

"I'll chip in for your phone bill
every month."

Look, to be honest, at the time,

I wasn't completely sure
it was a scam.

Had you been just recently kicked in
the head by a donkey or something?

So, who did they
make the cheque out to?

'Cause if it said, "Dave Hughes,"
I think you're in trouble.

It didn't say my name.

It said the name of the company,

but I would take the cheques
back to the other people.

So, what...what sort of cut
did you get?

You went back
and you gave them the 49...

Yeah, I had some weeks
where I made some serious cash.

I made in one week almost $900.

Yeah, it was incredible.

What cut did you get? Did you get 10%
like the people didn't get?

No, I reckon I probably got
$39 of the $49.

It sounds to me, as pyramid schemes
go, you're close to the top.

(LAUGHS)

How many other minions were there
working for this godfather?

When I went into the office,
there was probably 20.

Hang on, they had an office?!
Yeah, they had an...

Did you have
a staff Christmas party?

(LAUGHTER)

Alright, Frank's team,
what do you think?

I mean, if it's true,
that's so embarrassing.

Well, if it's true,
it's really embarrassing

'cause he has no idea
of the business model.

That's the first thing.

So, he's probably made no money,

so I don't believe a word
he's saying, to be honest.

Jacqui's not disappointed that
you've been incredibly dishonest,

but you weren't organised enough.

(LAUGHTER)

What do you think, guys?
Are you buying this?

I'm feeling a lie. You think
it's a lie. Do you think it's a lie?

Yeah, I think he's crap
at this show so far,

I'll be honest with you.

So, not only are you a liar,
but you're an untalented one.

You're crap.
And?

Lie.
So, we're saying a lie.

Alright, Hughesy,
is that story true or a lie?

That story is...

..true!

(APPLAUSE)

He got you a good one!

If any of the people
who I did rip off

back in 1995 are watching,

I apologise.

(LAUGHS)

Of course, it is true.

Early in his comedy career, Hughesy
donned a suit and went door to door,

unknowingly spruiking a telco scam.

Joel, you are next.

(EXHALES, CLEARS THROAT)

When in Ukraine for Eurovision,

I received
a genuine marriage proposal

from one of the contestants.

(GASPS)
AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Ooh!

Well, what nationality was the
person who was so in love with you,

they wanted to spend
the rest of their life with you?

I don't see nationality, Hughesy.

(LAUGHTER)

Estonian.

Sorry, it's just that that is kind
of the point of Eurovision.

(LAUGHTER)

Did you feel that it was
a genuine offer of proposal

or a way of getting out of Estonia?

(LAUGHTER)

I think it was more
for the TV cameras,

but it was very flirty
the entire time we were there.

I actually had a facial recently
from a woman from Estonia, so...

Wow.
(LAUGHTER)

Wow, that is...

That is, I think, one of
the world's greatest coincidences.

(LAUGHTER)

And did she ask you to marry her?

No, but she is married to
an Australian man,

so I can...

That's...
I think he's telling the truth.

Sorry, Hughesy, facial recently? OK.

(LAUGHTER)

I'm kidding.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

How did you respond
to this possibly genuine,

very-flirty-for-the-cameras
proposal of marriage?

On the cameras, I said,
"Of course, yes,"

but off the cameras, I said,
"No, I've got a boyfriend."

So, did your boyfriend
ever find out?

Did he ever watch the footage?

I flirt with all the hot male
contestants backstage at Eurovision.

That's just part of the job.
Yeah, I know. It's my cross to bear.

(LAUGHTER)

And I've obviously
gotta get a new job.

(LAUGHTER)

Have you ever had any proposals
in Parliament?

I haven't had any proposals at all,
mate.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING)
Oh!

Frank!
Aww!

Alright, Charlie's team,
what are we thinking?

It sounds possible.
He's a gorgeous man.

He's a gorgeous man.
He is a gorgeous man.

He's a gorgeous man. That is true.

I'm gonna say false

because you've sold it
so well, Joel,

like a little salesman.

(CHUCKLES)
So, Nina thinks lie.

I think lie because
it was so well sold.

Dave, you're a lover of romance.
I am.

I want it to be true.
I'm gonna say it's true.

True, lie.
It's one of each.

You've got the deciding vote,
Charlie.

Come on, come on.
It's true.

Joel, is this story true or a lie?

This story is a...

..lie.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

No!

This is why
you should believe women.

(LAUGHTER)

VOICEOVER: Coming up,
we set the stage

for Senator Lambie's
debut dance routine.

Whoo-hoo!

Find out why on Would I Lie To You?

Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?

Nina, it's your turn.
NINA: OK.

I partied too hard
and I lost my gift for the bassoon.

(LAUGHTER)

OK.
JOEL: Actually, what is a bassoon?

Um, that is a great question.

It's a slang term for
a well-endowed Estonian.

(LAUGHS)

It's a wind instrument, isn't it?
It is a wind instrument.

Can you let Nina tell us
what the things are?

Um, it's, like...
It is. It's a wind instrument.

Is it a kazoo type...
No, that's... No.

How big is a bassoon?
CHARLIE: It's big.

(LAUGHS)
Do you play it like this?

It's bigger than an oboe,
which is like a baby bassoon.

Can you guys shut up?!
There's cheating!

There's cheating going on here!

If this game is, "Does Charlie
know what a bassoon is?"

then I think it's true.

Yeah.

It's a big clarinet.
Is that a fair...?

It's...it's... Sort of.

Do you blow in the end of it
like a clarinet

or is it more like
an oboe-y sort of thing?

Oh, Frank.
(LAUGHTER)

So, what... How do you...?

You can play two oboes at once,
like...

Oh, God, hang on.

I feel like I'm at,
like, Christmas lunch.

(SHOUTS) What is a bassoon?!

(LAUGHTER)

Let's just assume
that it's an instrument...

OK.

..and she used to play it

and, miraculously,
she lost her gift for it.

You partied too hard?
Yes.

What was the party?

Well, the thing is,
like, when you play bassoon,

you need to use your mouth,
like, a lot.

Well spotted. Well spotted.

That's right,
and there's a word for that

that people
who play the bassoon know

and that is to have the correct...

Mouth posi...

Isn't it umbrochure? Isn't it...
Umb...

Did you play the bassoon?

He's been foxing this whole time!

This guy! "Oh, I don't know
what a bassoon is.

"Oh, now I know
all the technical terms."

What's with you, man?

OK, for 15 years, I was
a professional bassoon player.

I didn't want to talk about it.
And that is true.

But what was the word, though?
What was the word?

What did you say?
You know.

You either know the word and
you're pretending not to know it

so that then
it seems like it's a lie.

Well, tell us the word.

The word is 'umbrochure', isn't it?
How you control the lips?

I thought it was 'embouchure'.
OK, well, that's good.

CHRISSIE: That's good. This is good.

Good. OK.
Alright, what happened?

Well, basically,
you have to practise the bassoon

in order to, like, stay good at it.

Yeah.

And over the summer,
I just was, like,

"Screw that.
I don't wanna do that."

So, at what point did you realise

that you'd lost your gift
for the bassoon?

It was the first day
back at orchestra

and, actually,
prior to partying a lot, I had...

I had decided I was gonna...

I wanted to be a professional
bassoonist before the summer,

and so I practised a lot to get
to first chair of the orchestra,

and the first day
that I was first chair,

I blew the bassoon
and nothing came out.

And I had to... It's, like...
DAVE: Yeah, shocking moment.

Sad.
Yeah.

Who was previously in the first
chair? 'Cause I already hate them.

Um, bitch. (LAUGHS)

It was, um, Stephanie Tan.

Ugh! Mole. Ugh!
(LAUGHTER)

She was actually really nice.
Oh, damn it! (LAUGHS)

Nina, did you ever pick up
a bassoon again after this?

Um, I did, actually,
and, actually, I could play it.

Yes.
(APPLAUSE)

It's a happy ending.
So, if anyone has a bassoon...

Alright, Frank's team,
are you buying any of this?

Do you think that she lost her gift
for the bassoon, partying too hard?

No, I think she's lying.
OK.

OK, no, I think
she's telling the truth, but it's...

Oh, maybe she's lying
and it's really convincing.

Jacqui, you think everyone's lying
all the time.

Years in politics
will do that to you.

Yeah, I mean, years in politics.

What are we going with, team?

I'm thinking
when I said 'umbrochure'

and you were, like,
"What's umbrochure?"

And then you said,
"It's pronounced embouchure,"

for me, I think it's true.

We're going with true.

This has been a big night
for bassoons.

Nina, is this story true or a lie?

It is...

..true.

You cheeky squirrel.

(CHEERING)

It is indeed true.

After a summer of fun
and no practice,

Nina's time with
the Sydney Youth Orchestra, no less,

was over when she forgot
how to play the bassoon.

Jacqui Lambie, you are up next.

JACQUI: OK.

To celebrate the passing
of important legislation,

I perform a special dance that...

(LAUGHTER)

..that my staffers like to
refer to as "Doing the Lambie".

(LAUGHTER)

When did it start?
About 2000 and...

About the end of 2014, I think.

So, what was the first piece of
legislation that you cut a rug to?

So, the first piece of legislation
that we got a heap of money for

was for
the Freight Equalisation Scheme

for the Bass Strait, Tasmania,

to lower the cost of freight
going to and from Tasmania

for Tasmanian consumer businesses.

Well done.
Yep.

Makes you wanna do this.

Yeah, it's pretty hard to stay
in your seat after hearing that.

(LAUGHTER)

I'm...I'm... Listen.

(LAUGHTER)

(SINGS) # And lower the cost
of the freight, mm-mm... #

(LAUGHTER)

How many pieces of legislation
have you danced to?

Well, I'm very successful.
There'd be hundreds.

(LAUGHTER)

Wow, you are a very effective
parliamentarian, aren't you?

You have no idea.

I think we've established
he has no idea.

(LAUGHTER)

Did you dance to music?

No, I don't need anything
to make me dance,

apart from
when I'm celebrating a win.

Are we so impressed by this person?
I am really impressed by her.

Oh, I think
there's something that could

definitely impress me more.

It's to see the Lambie.
Yes! Finally!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Now, Jacqui, I know that you said
you don't need music.

Do you need, like,
a rhythmic applause?

Sure.
(RHYTHMIC CLAPPING)

(CHANTS) Lambie! Lambie!

Lambie! Lambie!

Yes!

(CHEERING)

Whoo-hoo!

Yes!
(CHEERING)

Oh, I am sold. I am sold on this.

Even as a vegan,
I feel like Chicken Tonight.

(LAUGHTER)

Alright, Charlie's team,
you've seen the Lambie.

You've heard the story.
Is this true or a lie?

Well, I...
Are you convinced by the Lambie?

Yeah! I just... I just see no reason
why it should be a lie.

Other than the premise
of the entire TV show.

Oh.

(LAUGHTER)

I mean, when you say it like that...
Yeah.

Hmm...
Oh, sorry, I'm here to win.

(LAUGHS) Oh.
Yeah.

I'm here as a plus one.

(LAUGHTER)

But Jacqui always votes lie...
Mm.

..and now I'm, like,
if I wanna get Jacqui,

I gotta think like Jacqui.

Gotta get into the mind
of the Lambie.

OK, so...

Don't go there.
You won't come back out.

(LAUGHTER)

I'm gonna say lie. I'm saying lie.

Oh, come on. No.
Ooh, curve ball.

So, Dave really believes it's true.

No, I stake my whole reputation
on this one and it's worth a lot.

Oh, Dave, Dave,
stake something worthwhile.

(LAUGHTER)
No, no, you've gotta go with your...

Guys, trust me, trust me,
this is true.

Come on.

Come on, Charlie. We go way back.
I will say...

I will say
Dave has seldom steered me wrong.

It's true.
Ooh! OK.

Jacqui Lambie...
Come on! Come on!

..is that story true
or a dirty big lie?

Well, I'm a politician.

It would be a dirty big lie!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

It is, of course, a lie.

Doing the Lambie isn't real
and I'm really sad about it.

I knew it!
Oh!

I, however, will be performing it
on a wedding dance floor

very, very soon.

Coming up, what if I told you
that one of our celebrities

threw their favourite teacher
a happy breast reduction party?

(LAUGHTER)

Who could it be?

I'll share the answer next
on Would I Lie To You?

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(THEME MUSIC)

Welcome back to you.

And before the break,
I asked which of our panellists

threw their favourite teacher
a happy breast reduction party,

and the answer is, of course,
Joel Creasey.

(APPLAUSE)

JOEL: I really did.
What happened?

She was my wonderful
grade nine English teacher

and she was one of those teachers

that always, like, treated us
like equals, not students,

so she told us and I thought,
"You know, I love an event."

(LAUGHTER)

So, we threw a happy breast
reduction party for her

and she loved it.

Honestly, she did love it.
I bet she did.

Frank, you are up next
with your home truth.

The phrase,
"You may now kiss the bride,"

led to the worst kiss of my life.

(GASPS)

DAVE: Ooh!
NINA: Ooh!

Where were you when this happened?

Um, I was on a hillside.

So, were you at a wedding?
I was at a wedding, yes.

Yeah, but it was obviously
your wedding, was it?

It was my wedding, yes.

So...
It was on a hillside, yes.

(LAUGHS)

Yes, the phrase,
"You may now kiss the bride,"

led to the worst kiss of my life.

Everyone's watching you there
with your new bride.

You wanted to have that
picture-perfect moment.

And what happened?
Did you just miss, did you?

I didn't miss, no,
but it was just, like...

Um, my wife is
considerably shorter than me.

Yep.

Were you smart and put her uphill?

No.

Did you put her uphill
so you'd be on the same level?

No, we didn't. We had, um...

In fact, I think we were...

I'm trying to remember
or possibly make it up.

Um...
Wait, how tiny is your wife?

It was actually... (KISSES)

(LAUGHTER)

But you had kissed her before.
It wasn't the first kiss, was it?

No, it wasn't the first kiss.
I don't know what went wrong.

We'd been living together
for seven years.

Yep.

In sin?
Yeah.

We'd been...
Unbeli...

Sorry, I was not told that's the
sort of person I was working with.

We'd been...

There'd been a lot going on
because it was an outdoor wedding

and it was raining,
so a lot of things thinking about

and then
it just came to that moment,

and I realised we hadn't planned
how we were gonna do this

and I just became very
self-conscious and I thought,

"How kiss-y do you go?"

CHRISSIE: Yeah.
Tongues or no tongues.

Definitely no tongues.
No tongues?!

No, not at a wedding.
No.

(LAUGHTER)
Hughesy, gross!

You're married!

Yeah, I'm with these guys.

I went to Hughesy's wedding
and there was tongues

and a little bit of...

(LAUGHTER)

Can I just say to my children,
he didn't go to my wedding, alright?

So, um...
No tongue!

And he won't be going to
his next wedding either.

I just had this weird awkward glitch
happen and I thought, "Lift her up."

(LAUGHS)
No.

So, scoop her up and lift her up
and then kiss like that.

That'll be so beautiful. You'll be
taking her in your arms, you know.

You went to scoop her up...

I went, "Oh, I don't want to crick
her neck back or something,"

and I went, "I'll scoop her up,"

and as I went down,
I went, "That'll be demeaning,"

so I went like this.

(LAUGHTER)

Like that.

Actually, Jacqui,
could you stand up?

You're not gonna try and kiss me,
are you, mate?

'Cause it didn't work well for you
the first time.

I proposed to you earlier
and you said no and that's...

Frank, is this
a realistic height difference

between you and your wife?

No, my wife's even a bit shorter
than Jacqui.

Oh, sorry.
Maybe...

Do you guys wanna come around the
front so we can get a good look?

Is that OK?

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
After you.

So, it was just, like...

So, I think we were holding hands.
Oh, lovely.

And then, actually, would you mind
saying, "You may now," um...

Certainly. Yes, I will.
DAVE: Hang on.

Do we need an intimacy coach here
or not?

I think we do.
Is Jacqui comfortable?

We need to know
if Jacqui's comfortable.

Jacqui is comfortable.
You're comfortable.

She's looking at me, going,

"Actually,
I'm not that comfortable."

Frank, my understanding is
you don't get to say,

"You're comfortable, aren't you?"

That's true.
"Jacqui's comfortable.

"Don't ask Jacqui.
Jacqui's comfortable."

(LAUGHTER)

Are you comfortable, Jacqui?

I spent 20 years
un-bloody-comfortable, trust me.

It's fine.
(LAUGHTER)

You may now kiss the bride.

No, no, you don't
have to do that, Jacqui.

Oh, he's gonna pick me up.

This has turned into the 'Titanic'.

(LAUGHTER)

Yes. Wonderful.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

CHARLIE: Very good.

Alright, Charlie's team,
what do you think?

Is this true or a lie?

What do you think?

I'm going true.
You believe it?

'Cause that was beautiful.

Yeah, I was sold by the romance
and the theatre.

Don't get me wrong, if Frank
and Jacqui ever get married,

absolutely tickety-boo.

Lover of romance, Dave Hughes?

This happened. This happened.

Well...
What do you reckon?

I mean, obviously,
if it turns out to be a lie,

you've just brought shame
on your marriage.

So, I, um...
We're gonna say that it's true.

Come on! Come on!

Frank Woodley,
is this story true or a lie?

Of course it's true.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

It's true! It is true.

And because of it, these days,

Frank's wife doesn't go anywhere
without a step ladder.

Stick around
for more Would I Lie To You?

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(THEME MUSIC)

Welcome back. Our next round
is called This Is My...

It's where we bring on
a mystery guest

who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.

This week, each of Frank's team
will claim it is them

that has the genuine connection
to our guest.

It's up to Charlie's team
to spot who's telling the truth,

so please give a warm welcome to
this week's special guest, Stavros.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

So, Joel, how do you know Stavros?

Uh, this is Stavros.

Stavros is my hair stylist

who leads a global team
of hairdressers

whose job it is to keep me
perfectly groomed at all times,

no matter where I am.

(LAUGHTER)

Jacqui, who is Stavros to you?

Uh, not much these days, but, um...

(LAUGHTER)

This is Stavros

and I had the pleasure
in sacking Stavros

because he got pushy
at the delicatessen

in my local supermarket.

Ooh! And finally, Frank,
who is Stavros to you?

(LAUGHTER)

This is Stavros.
Good to see you again, Stavros.

Stavros? I've missed you, Stavros.

(LAUGHTER)

This is Stavros and he...

I accidentally took his luggage
from the airport

and then soon after that,

I discovered that
we're distantly related.

Really? Well, there we have it.

Is Stavros Joel's hair hook-up,

Jacqui's queue-jumper
or Frank's luggage loser?

Charlie's team,
let's start with questions to Joel.

Um, how long has he been
doing your hair?

Eight years.

Always works on your hair?
He's in charge of your hair, Joel?

Yeah, yeah, no-one else,
unless I'm overseas,

in which case,
he'll find me the right person.

Can I say your hair looks amazing?

Well done, Stavros.

(LAUGHS)

I thought you were gonna say,
"May I say your hair looks amazing?

"Stavros, on the other hand..."

(LAUGHTER)

So, when has he hooked up
a haircut for you overseas?

When I went to Europe...
Mm.

..um, over Christmas,

he hooked me up with
a salon in Paris,

which sounds so wanky,
I realise as I'm saying it,

but very on-brand.

Did you know that 'salon'
is French for 'salon'?

(LAUGHTER)

Let's direct our next
questions to Jacqui.

Jacqui, how do you
know Stavros again?

Yeah, so, I know Stavros because
I had to sack him from my campaign

because he pushed in line
at my local deli.

Had he started working for you
before you sacked him?

Yes, he had started working for me.
That's generally how it works.

(LAUGHTER)
It's true. That checks out.

That definitely checks out.

"'Scuse me, 'scuse me, we've got
a job interview coming up next week.

"You're fired!"

(LAUGHTER)

Jacqui, how did he take the news

when you had to break it to him
he was no longer employed by you?

I didn't really care, to be honest,

'cause I just thought
he was a big bully.

Out the door you go.

So, how long had he worked for you

before
the supermarket bullying incident?

Oh, about eight weeks.
About eight weeks. What was his job?

His job was campaigning.
It was before the last election.

Which deli was it? Was it
a Salamanca Fresh or Hill Street?

That's right. I've been to Tasmania.

She's only been to the rich parts,
obviously.

There's not many of them there.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

It was called the IGA, baby.
The IGA.

NINA: Oh.

Alright, and on that note, Frank.

OK, so, Frank, who is Stavros again?

Stavros is distantly related to me

and I discovered this when I...

When I accidentally
took his luggage.

What sort of luggage was it?

It was a, um, suitcase.

Jeez, that's good. You're good!

What airport was this at?

It was actually at
the Hobart Airport.

It's all...
(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHTER)

Well, I just want to say,
if I told my story first,

he would be laughing like that
at Jacqui.

(LAUGHTER)

How did you work out
he was related to you?

Um, I went down there for a funeral,
which was my auntie's funeral.

Maureen Papanicolaou is a legend
of the Hobart theatre scene.

That's correct.
What?

She runs a theatre.

She did run a theatre
called the Peacock Theatre...

Yep.
..which is in Salamanca Place.

She was an absolute legend there
for about, you know, 30 years.

She went there in her early 20s,
and then for about 30 years,

she ran the theatre.

Are you part Greek?

No, but her husband is Greek,

her husband whose name
is, uh, Peter...

What did I say her surname was?
(LAUGHTER)

It was either Papanicolaou
or Maniatis. I can't remember.

Papanicolaou.
That's it.

Her husband is Greek.

You saw this bloke at the funeral?

Yes, because he is Peter's brother.

This bloke is your dead auntie -
and God rest her soul -

her husband's brother?

Yes, so...

So, that would be putting him
at, what, 80, 85 years old?

(LAUGHTER)

They have a big...

They have a big family
and he's one of the younger...

And, also, Maureen married a child.

(LAUGHTER)

No, um, I got the suitcase from
the airport and I opened it up

and I realised
I had the wrong suitcase.

We've only got about an hour
to get there. Can't go like this.

Oh, there's a suit there.
Maybe it fits.

I put on the suit and it was
a little bit small for me,

but I thought, "I reckon
I can get away with this."

So, I wore, like,
a slightly-too-small suit.

I got to the funeral and there was
Stavros in a slightly-too-big suit.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Wow.

Before we move on,

do we wanna see Stavros
in your jacket

and you in Stavros's jacket

to see if you could have
pulled it off at the funeral?

I think that'll help.
DAVE: Yeah, sure, why not?

Let's do the jacket swap.
Let's do it.

Stavros, do you mind
removing your jacket?

Is that OK?
Can you remove your jacket?

There's no way. Look how fit...
Wow, you're in good shape, Stavros.

NINA: Stavros is ripped!

You're in great shape for
an 85-year-old man, I'll tell you.

OK, that...that jacket would work.

Absolutely. A little bit David Byrne
from Talking Heads.

(LAUGHTER)
Let me see, Frank.

Yes! Maureen would
absolutely love that.

So sad, isn't it, that she's gone?

CHARLIE: Yeah,
having...having seen this,

I absolutely believe
Frank is bigger than Stavros.

100%. 100% believe that.
Alright, we need...

We need an answer,
so, Charlie's team,

is Stavros Joel's hair hook-up,

Jacqui's queue-jumper

or Frank's long-lost relative
luggage loser?

I mean, my question is,
do you believe any of these people?

NINA: No. Absolutely no.

Jacqui, I don't believe
because I saw Stavros,

you know, without a jacket on

and there's no way Jacqui
would sack someone that fit.

(LAUGHTER)
Jacqui!

Yeah, I tell you what,
Columbo over here is onto something.

Yep.

And, look, I just think...

I think there's a connection
between Joel and Stavros.

I think we're gonna go with Joel.

Stavros is Joel's hair hook-up.

Alright, Stavros, go ahead
and reveal your real identity.

I'm Stavros and...

..I make sure Joel's hair
is perfectly groomed.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

I love you!

The best! The best in the biz!

I'm sorry.

So gorgeous!
It is, of course, true.

Joel has a network of hairdressers
around the world.

How did a gay man establish
a network of hairdressers?

That hair, Stavros, that hair,
that is brilliant hair, man.

You've done well, you know.

You don't focus on yourself.
You focus on others.

Everybody put your hands together
for the magnificent Stavros.

(CHEERING)

We will be back in a jiffy.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

in the hilarious new season

of Would I Lie To You?

With full episodes on 10play.

(THEME MUSIC)

OK, it's time to ramp up the pace
and play Quick Fire Lies.

These guests have no idea
what they are about to read

on the card in front of them.

It could be a true tale
from their lives

or a tall tale we just made up.

Jacqui, the chamber is yours.

Beautiful.

I once committed a crime
while inside a divvy van.

Ooh!
Ooh!

Awesome.
So, that's two...

That's two crimes -
one to get you in the divvy van

and another crime
while you're in the divvy van.

It's bloody legendary,
isn't it, Hughesy?

(LAUGHTER)

What got you in the divvy van
in the first place?

Uh, you know, I might have been
a little bit young

and, you know, we may have been

walking down to
the fish and chip shop

with a couple bottle of Stone's
and spumante

and...and then, I don't know,

somebody must have rang the police

and, anyway, the next thing,
the police were standing outside.

You ended up inside the divvy van
and then there was another crime?

Yeah, what was the crime
you committed inside the divvy van?

Yeah, well, the thing is,
I had a big jacket on,

eating my fish and chips,

and I may have had another bottle
stuck down here in my other jacket.

So, 'cause they've taken
one bottle off me,

I thought, "Well, I'm gonna
get charged for that."

(LAUGHS)

Um, in the meantime,
I had to get rid of this bottle,

so what I did was, I opened the door
quickly, just shoved it under there.

Unfortunately, it went...

It rolled under the back wheel,
so when they took off,

it went over the bottle
and the bottle went pop

and smashed their tyre

and then they were really pissed
with Jacqui Lambie.

Was the second crime you committed

littering
or damaging police property?

Yeah, the rap sheet was...

There might have been
a few on that rap sheet.

But for all the young women
watching tonight,

this is the way
to get to Parliament.

(LAUGHTER)

Yeah, well, you have to
start somewhere, Hughesy.

This is... This is true.

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Charlie's team, what do you think?
True or a lie?

Well, I think
Jacqui's definitely lived a life.

Yes.
I think that's true.

And Hughesy already has said
that he thinks it's true.

Well, I think it's true,
but what do you guys think?

Yeah, I reckon it's true.
It just seems true!

I've been, like, a 15-year-old girl

and, like, I've stashed stuff
in the jack...

Like, that's such a move.

Yeah, we've all been
15-year-old girls.

(LAUGHTER)
It's so true!

Well, let the record show...
Mm.

..I disagree.

Ooh!
Ooh!

Sometimes it's the only way
you'll learn.

Yeah. No, I'm ready for this.
I'm ready for this.

That is true.

Is it true or made-up?

Well, that would be...

You'll owe me a drink
in the middle there.

It's true!
(CHEERS)

It is, of course, true. The Senator
for the State of Spumante.

(LAUGHTER)

Hughesy, you're up next.

After my stand-up show, I once
bought dinner for an audience member

to get to the bottom
of why she didn't like me.

(LAUGHTER)

See, I feel if that was the case,

you'd be buying a lot of dinners.

I was gonna say, "Is he broke?"

But that's because,
you know, as Gandhi said,

you can't please...

You can't please everyone.
Did Gandhi say that?

No, he did not.

That is a great way
to get a free dinner, though.

Like, just go to Hughesy's show
and just...

Yes.
Free feed.

Yeah, well, I mean, you're only
getting your own money back.

Um...
(LAUGHTER)

Paint the picture for me.

I actually bought her a kebab.
It wasn't a whole dinner.

So, it was like...
What a cheapskate!

When I say "I bought her dinner,"
she was outside and she said,

"I didn't like the show,"
and I said, "Well, come on."

(LAUGHTER)
How did you make the offer?

So, she said,
"You're that unfunny guy

"I've just spent money to see
and didn't laugh at."

She said, "I just saw you,"
and I was expecting to be,

you know,
just showered in compliments.

Can I say to anyone
who's just seen a comedian,

don't just say, "I just saw you,"

unless you're going to follow
that up with, "You were great."

And, uh...
(LAUGHTER)

And we don't care whether
you're lying or not. Just say it.

So, she said, "I just saw you,"
and I'm, like, "Mm? Mm? And?"

And she said, "Mm, didn't love it."

There was a kebab van, was there?

No, it was... No, it was...

It was a... It was
a stationary kebab house.

(LAUGHTER)

A kebab shop?
(LAUGHS)

So, what did she...
What did she have in her kebab?

She had a chicken kebab.
No, no, did she have tabouli? Onion?

Garlic sauce?
She ordered it. I just paid for it.

I didn't... Like, I didn't go...
I didn't, you know...

I wasn't there when they were
ticking the boxes on the bag.

I mean, I wasn't, like, you know...
She ordered what she wanted.

They ticked where they tick

and she had chips as well,
to be honest.

(LAUGHTER)

So, the most important thing is,
why didn't she like your show?

Well, 'cause she's an idiot.

(LAUGHTER)

Alright, Frank's team,
do you believe Hughesy?

I certainly believe that

there would be people
who saw Hughesy and didn't laugh.

I mean... No. No, I don't mean...
CHARLIE: It's just mean.

It's mean. That's mean.

No, it's just because nobody
makes everybody happy all the time.

You know, this is a man
who's desperate for approval.

Yeah, I...I... I've never known...

I've never known anyone
more needy in my life...

(LAUGHTER)
..than Dave Hughes.

Somebody said,
"Didn't like your show,"

you said,
"I'll buy you a kebab,"

and you tried to win her over.

I believe that's true, so,
based on that, we're in agreement.

We think it's true.

Hughesy, is this story true or a lie?

It is...

..a lie.

Should have just stuck to my guns.

Nice.
Nah.

It's a lie, but so very possible.

Stick around for more
Would I Lie To You?

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Welcome back.

Next round is Could It Be where our
teams are given a general statement

that has nothing to do with them

and they've got to decide
whether it is lies or legit.

Charlie's team, you are up first.
Bring it on.

And your statement is thus.
Mm-hm.

Humans - that's us...

That's us.
That's us.

..share 60% of our DNA with bananas.

That's these.

Do you know what? It's funny
because I bruise quite easily.

(LAUGHTER)

Not funny enough?

(LAUGHTER)

I brought my A-game on that.

Alright, you get up and improvise
about fuckin' bananas.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

True or a lie?

I don't know if it's true,
but I bruise quite easily.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Could it be that humans share
the majority of their DNA with...

No, it's interesting.

Like, at first, you think,
"Well, that sounds ridiculous,"

but maybe we've got
60% DNA in common

with everything on the planet.

It's a weird confusing thing
with the statistics thing.

Like, you know
how statistics are weird?

Like, they say, you know,

"The average human has one testicle
and one breast."

That kind of weird...
(LAUGHTER)

Sorry, hang on.

I don't know what kind of
science books you're reading.

I've got two testicles
and two breasts.

I've got eight breasts,
but my father was a piggy.

(LAUGHTER)

Anyway, let's get back to the point.

The point of the show is working out
what's true and what's lies.

What do you think, Nina?

I think this whole show is bananas.

(LAUGHTER)
I think we go with true.

I think we're gonna go with true
because when I get undressed,

I do it like that.

(LAUGHTER)

We're locking in 'true'.
Is that right? I don't know.

Yeah, we're locking in 'true'.

The statement is, in fact,

true.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Humans do share 60% of our DNA
with bananas.

Frank's team, it's your turn.

Tabby is a dating app
exclusively for cat owners.

I would... I would believe that.

There's an app for everything,

and, also, gay men, we pioneered
the dating app with Grindr,

and then the lesbians followed with
the Bunnings store locator app.

And then...on from there.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

So, absolutely there'd be a Tabby.

How the bloody hell does
a tabby swipe left and right?

They extend their claws first.

(CLICKS, WHOOSHES)
(LAUGHTER)

No, it's not for cats.

It's for owners of cats.

Oh!

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

You can just see it. "Purr! Raowr!"

(LAUGHTER)

Jacqui, you ask the questions
other people are afraid to ask.

(LAUGHTER)

Alrighty, well, I...

Just to be clear, Tabby is a dating
app exclusively for cat owners.

So is it like...
I've only got a dog.

What about a doggy app?

Well, you're not on that app.
You can find doggy on any app.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

So...so, we're thinking...

We're thinking
feels like quite true.

We think it's true.

We think there's definitely
an app for cats.

OK. (LAUGHS) No, for cat owners.

Oh, that's not it. It wasn't that.

"Meow!"
(LAUGHS)

Alright, let's put everyone
out of their misery.

That statement is, in fact...

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
..true.

(SIGHS)

Tabby is the cat person's dating app.

This is true and their slogan is,
"The time is meow."

(LAUGHTER)
Purr-fect!

(BUZZER BUZZES)
Oh!

And that noise signals time is up.

It is the end of the show and I can
reveal that tonight's winner is

Charlie's team.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

NINA: Yeah! Yeah!
CHARLIE: Yeah! Yeah!

That's it for Would I Lie To You?
Thank you so much for watching.

And remember, speak truth from your
heart and lies through your teeth.

Goodnight.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(THEME MUSIC)

Captions by Red Bee Media