Would I Lie to You? (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Episode #1.8 - full transcript
Host Chrissie Swan and team captains Frank Woodley and Chris Taylor are joined by Jimmy Rees, Casey Donovan, Annie Maynard and Nick Cody as they reveal genuine truths and manufacture ginormous lies.
(THEME MUSIC)
(APPLAUSE)
Hello, and welcome to
Would I Lie To You?,
the show with genuine truths
and ginormous lies.
I'm Chrissie Swan
and joining me are two teams
who will take turns telling stories.
It's up to the opposing team
to determine
whether the story
is a truth or a lie.
The team with the most
correct guesses wins.
Captaining our first team tonight,
from the satirical comedy group
'The Chaser', it's Chris Taylor.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
Chris is joined by a comedian
who has performed comedy
for the troops in Afghanistan,
although he'll be the first to admit
the Taliban was a tough crowd.
It's Nick Cody.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
And an actor and voice-over artist
who can be incredibly persuasive
in radio commercials.
I was talking with her
before the show
and now I'm a proud member of
Australian Pensioners Insurance.
It's Annie Maynard.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
And captaining our second team
tonight, it's comedian Frank Woodley.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
Frank's first teammate found fame on
the kids TV show 'Giggle and Hoot'.
We hoped to have Hoot the Owl
on the show tonight,
but he said he was far too busy
tearing the heads off mice.
However, we do have Jimmy Rees.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
And the only person to have achieved
Australian television's triple crown.
She won 'Australian Idol', she won
'I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here'
and, after slipping me
a $50 note before the show,
she's tonight's winner of
Would I Lie To You?
It's Casey Donovan.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
Alright, first up is Home Truths
where our panellists
each read out a statement
from a card in front of them.
The card will contain either a truth
from the panellist's real life
or a lie that we just made up.
But they won't know
until they read it aloud.
It's up to the opposing team to sort
the facts from the fabrications.
OK, Frank, you're up first.
OK.
I was chased through the jungle
by an angry seal.
CHRIS: Woof!
(LAUGHTER)
I mean,
there's plenty of questions already,
but where are you going to start,
Chris's team?
Which... which jungle in the world
did you find yourself in?
Was it the 'I'm a Celebrity' jungle
and was it Seal the singer?
(LAUGHTER)
That's... that's my story.
That's it?
Yeah.
No, it was in New Zealand.
A jungle in New Zealand?
Yes. Well, it was...
Well, how do you define a jungle?
It was like, um...
Not New Zealand.
Yeah.
Lots of leafy big trees.
Leafy green foliage
replete with, like, vines and...
Like, if Tarzan had have appeared
at that point,
you know,
you would've been surprised.
Or a seal.
NICK: And the seal, yeah.
But you wouldn't have said
to yourself,
"He's in the wrong habitat."
Do you know what I mean?
Well, no.
If... if Tarzan... if Tarzan
appeared in New Zealand,
you might think this is suddenly
looking more jungly,
but I'm assuming Tarzan
wasn't there.
New Zealand might have rainforest,
it doesn't have any jungle.
Well, I'm not sure
what the definition of jungle is.
To me, I would have said
it was very 'jungular'.
Jungle-ish.
(LAUGHS)
Ah.
You know, it was green.
Lots of green... I don't know,
what is the definition of a jungle?
See? I rest my case.
(LAUGHTER)
Um...
How did the seal
get into the jungle?
W-w-well, I don't know!
(LAUGHS)
All... all I know is that
we were walking through it...
We? We? Who are these we?
..down a path.
Um, my, uh...
JIMMY: Tarzan.
(LAUGHTER)
No Tar...
Jane.
Mowgli.
Yeah. (LAUGHS)
Him and a whale and a dolphin
and an orca.
There was, um, my wife
and my daughter and my nephew.
And we were walking through,
like, a path
through the jungular forest
of New Zealand.
My daughter had just said
to my nephew,
"I'm a bit scared," because
you know, "Are there snakes
"or, you know, jaguars or things?"
And he said, "Well, no,
the great thing about New Zealand
"is there's no dangerous animals."
And exactly at the point
where he said,
"There's no dangerous animals,"
we heard...
(IMITATES ANIMAL BARKING
AND GRUNTING)
And...
Wow.
And the jungle was just going...
(MAKES RUMBLING NOISE)
And out of the jungle ran a seal!
Got... I mean, do they run?
How does it run?
It doesn't have any legs.
Not running. What do you call that?
(LAUGHTER)
And considerably faster.
Like when... as soon as we saw it, we
all screeched and squealed and ran.
And we were like, "I wouldn't have
thought they could go...
"..that fast."
Like, it was really
like... gettin'...
(SQUEALS AND BLEATS)
Through the jungle,
crashing onto the path.
And we were all just, like,
running up the path and...
Was it a seal
doing Tough Mudder or something
and sort of got
hopelessly off course?
Now that you say it,
it might have been a pig.
(LAUGHTER)
No.
I didn't get a good look at it.
It's very easy to confuse them.
Yeah.
No, it was like it...
Oh! You've misunderstood.
It was an American Navy SEAL.
Like, one of those.
You know?
He was just doing...
Yeah.
Which was weird. That weird.
And when he ran like that...
(LAUGHTER)
You should...
But I remember there was a, um...
One thing that was quite funny,
there was a...
When we went into the path,
there was one of those,
you know, those pine walkway things
where when you go in,
you have to go... like this.
OTHERS: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
..to go into the car?
CHRIS: Yeah.
Right?
Yeah.
And I swear, we went in like that
and we went out
just right over the top.
Just like... Not quite hurtling it,
but just clambering over.
And then the seal went under that
and kept chasing us...
Still chasing you...
Kept chasing us.
..even out of the park?
Making all the noise.
And, um... and then it ra... we...
That led into a camp site
and the seal went down
into the camp site
and then everybody
from the camp site came around
and started taking photos of it.
And it was just kind of, like,
going...
(LAUGHTER)
No, it wasn't.
It was, like, just going... (GRUNTS)
CHRIS: So...
For some reason,
I can picture all this,
but I can't picture you
not in a suit.
(LAUGHTER)
So I just see you in that...
CHRISSIE: Yeah, me too.
..running away from a jungle seal.
CHRIS: Yeah.
Yeah.
There were some penguins there
as well
and they were in, like,
bow ties and...
I've sort of come around.
What are you thinking?
Yeah, I feel...
I mean, I love Frank Woodley.
I don't feel like he's Bear Grylls.
You know, he's not comfortable
in... in the rugged...
Around nature.
Nature. Get a bit rashy maybe.
So I...
(LAUGHTER)
I just do want to point out
it was like a five-minute walk
from the house.
I didn't have to go, like,
hiking for six days
and sleep inside
the belly of a camel at one point.
Frank, stop drinking your own piss.
You've got a water bottle!
(LAUGHTER)
I...
I mean, am I crazy to think
it might be true?
I think... I think it's true.
Yeah.
Against our better wisdom,
I think we're gonna say true.
You're gonna go true. Alright,
Frank, is that a truth or a lie?
A jungle in New Zealand?
Of course it's true.
(CHIMING)
Yay!
Well done.
Great story.
Nick, you are up next.
I once made a citizen's arrest
in my undies.
(LAUGHTER)
Please be true.
Alright, Frank's team,
what are your questions?
OK, where were you?
At home.
What... what... what... How does...
At the start, home.
(LAUGHS)
What were you arresting someone for?
Trying to break into my car.
Somebody's trying to break
into the car,
you go out there in your undies,
what happened?
Started chasing them.
How old are you?
This was only two years ago. I've
only had my licence for a few years.
Oh.
Loser.
It was... (LAUGHS)
So you chase this strange person...
Yeah.
..trying to break into your car
down the road?
Yeah.
How long did it take to catch him?
And what happened?
About 50 metres.
Oh. Rapid.
Yeah.
And you caught them?
Yeah, I just got lucky.
I was very angry.
I've got a five-month-old
and a three-year-old.
When my three-year-old was a baby,
he's never slept through.
Never slept through once.
You're just...
The rage...
(LAUGHTER)
..of no sleep constantly
and I heard a noise outside
and I opened the door
to see what was happening,
someone was trying to get
into the door
and I just chased them down
the street.
At the point where you caught him,
how was he responding?
Not well.
Was he saying things to you?
Yeah.
What sort of stuff?
Things you can't say on TV. Yeah.
Let's... let's find a word.
Like, instead of the F word,
we're gonna say...
(LAUGHS)
..we're gonna say fruit.
And instead of the C word,
we're gonna say clam.
Yep.
So, what...
Give us an idea of the sort of...
"You fruitin' clam."
(LAUGHTER)
And what happened?
You, like, tackled...
Tackled.
"This is a citizen's arrest!"
CASEY: Yeah.
I didn't say it. (LAUGHS)
CHRIS: Yes. (LAUGHS)
I wish it was that cool.
How did you know that
you were arresting...
CASEY: Yeah, how did you know?
..doing a citizen's arrest?
I just held him down on the ground.
My wife popped her head out,
I said, "Call the cops."
They were pretty quick
to come around.
So it might have been 10 minutes.
You held him down for 10 minutes.
Wow.
He just sort of chilled out.
I've got a feeling
this isn't the first time
this bloke has been
in this position.
CHRIS: Right.
He's like, "I know what's comin'."
A little bit like how deers, you see
when they're attacked by a lion,
they run, but when they're...
they just do go kind of...
They have that sort of give-up.
Did he have that vibe a bit?
Technically,
he's not really a thief, is he,
'cause he hasn't stolen anything.
He's just attempted to steal
the car.
CHRISSIE: Yes, Your Honour.
Alright, defence lawyer.
In fact, knowing your state of mind,
it is possible,
like, in terms of the delirium
of a newborn child,
the poor guy might have just been
getting into his own car.
I love this story. But is it
the truth or is it a lie?
For the first telling of that,
there was no hesitation at all.
Yeah, I think it's true.
CASEY: Yeah, we'll go with truth.
Yeah, we're going with truth.
Truth.
That's three. Nick Cody,
is that a truth or a lie?
It is...
..a lie.
Oh, brilliant!
(CHIMING)
Brilliant.
ANNIE: Well done!
So well done.
Did anybody pick that?
Well done.
Because I haven't slept
for three years,
I got to play that scenario out
in my head...
..hundreds of times.
Wow.
Somebody better break into the car.
It's time for a break. We'll see you
soon on Would I Lie To You?
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?
and we are in the middle
of Home Truths.
Casey, you are up next.
OK. (CLEARS THROAT)
I was once mistaken... for a corpse.
(LAUGHTER)
CHRIS: Right.
OK.
Were you lying down in a morgue
at the time or...
No, I was on my stomach
in a hotel room.
So you're lying down
in a hotel room.
Yeah.
Who's mistaken you for a corpse?
I do you believe that
it was the duty manager.
Traditionally, hotels,
the duty manager's not just
casually going into every room
on the off-chance
there's something happening.
Normally...
"Anyone dead?" (KNOCKS ON TABLE)
Unless the hotel's got
a really bad reputation
for losing people during the night,
I'm assuming the duty manager
is not just making door knocks
in case people have died.
So why... why was the duty manager
the first person to find you?
I think no-one had come
into the room possibly.
I don't know, maybe the DND
was on the door. I'm not sure.
That's 'do not disturb', everyone.
Oh, sorry, do not disturb. (LAUGHS)
JIMMY: No helping.
Why were you face down on the floor?
I just like to try new things.
I mean, there... there was a bed,
there was a lounge,
but I thought, "You know what?
My back's been a bit out lately,
"so why not just..."
Were you asleep or passed out drunk?
I think it was a bit of both.
Yeah, OK.
Yeah.
Yeah. I think it was a bit of both.
But you'd had a bad back, had you?
I had, yes.
Would you go face down?
Yeah.
Or would you go on your back
if you had a bad back?
Well, it depends.
Um, if you go to a physio,
they'll say to lay on your back
and then a chiropractor may say
to lie on your side.
And if you ask a duty manager...
(LAUGHS)
They'd say corpse. Yeah. Yeah.
Corpse. Yeah.
Imagine being so hung-over,
they'd call the coroner.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, yeah.
(CHRISSIE LAUGHS)
What are you... what are you wearing
at the time of corpse scene?
Absolutely nothing.
Oh, God!
Oh!
That's a detail we should have known
before now.
She was in the privacy of her room.
Yeah.
And can I just ask you a question?
Absolutely.
Just to get the visual image
in my head. I just...
Just for myself to get clear
'cause it feels
kind of quite different.
I'll do it over here
so you can see...
Oh, thank you.
When you were face down
in the hotel room...
Mm-hm.
..was it...
Was it like this? Like...
Planking?
Yeah. Was it arms to the side?
NICK: Yeah.
Or was it this?
Ah!
(LAUGHTER)
Yes, was it face to the side
or face flat to the ground?
They seem...
Excellent point, Frank.
Well, when you do have a sore back,
and I'm just a horrible
side-sleeper,
so I think I was a bit, yeah.
So head to the side, you think?
Sort of been...
And was your face facing the door?
The duty manager?
I want to call her Judy.
When they came in, boonk!
(IMITATES DOOR BANGING) "Come in."
Um, I was facing away
from... from Judy.
Terrifying.
See, as a... as a human,
you want it to be false.
CHRIS: Yes.
But as a comedian,
I so want it to be true.
I'm like, "What a legendary effort."
And you're answering as a human
or a comedian?
I'm gonna say...
Yeah, always. True.
You think true.
I want it to be true.
I think it might be true.
ANNIE: Yep, I'm gonna say truth.
Yeah.
We're gonna say true.
CHRISSIE: Beautiful.
Casey Donovan,
is that a truth or a lie?
(SIGHS)
It is...
..a truth.
(CHIMING)
Oh!
CHRIS: Oh.
The start of that,
I thought, "No way."
'Cause she told it
as if she didn't have a clue.
I've gotta ask this.
Was sambuca involved?
(LAUGHTER)
I can't remember.
No. No, you cannot.
CHRIS: What a story.
Yeah. Yeah, that happened.
Alright, Chris, it's your turn.
When I owned a car,
I would study road maps
so that I could drive a route
without ever having to change lanes.
(LAUGHTER)
You don't own a car now?
Like, when you owned a car?
This is when I last owned a car.
The only time I've owned a car.
And do you say 'root' or 'route'?
(LAUGHTER)
I say 'root'.
OK. Sure.
It's a lie!
(LAUGHTER)
So, I imagine it is possible
to get from point A to point B
without changing lanes.
You would have to go left
and let... then...
Like, it would cause
a lot of complexity.
So I feel you would have to have
a very, very, very, very good reason
for not wanting to change lanes.
So what was that?
I was a very stressful driver.
I, uh...
That's not gotta help.
I don't like driving,
I'm an anxious driver
and changing lanes
caused a lot of anxiety.
An optimum commute
was no lane changes.
And I found one, from university
to home, home to university.
I found a lane you can get in
at the start of the trip
to never have to change lanes
to get to the destination.
But, surely, doesn't that mean that
you're never in the right lane,
the right-hand lane?
Because every time you enter,
you're turning into
the closest lane to you,
which is the left lane.
Yeah, but on a single...
Unless you have, like, a ramp
at the end of your street
to get to the right lane, you went
across the top of the left lane
and into the right lane,
like 'Dukes of Hazzard'.
I never needed to do
a right-hand turn on this commute...
So...
What about on the way back?
Yeah. (LAUGHS)
ANNIE: Shut up. Shut up.
Sorry.
Let me... I... I don't...
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
You're not helping, Nick.
Have you... have you driven
in Sydney?
CASEY: Yeah. I have.
Have you?
It's appallingly designed.
But if you were in
the second from the left
at the start of the trip,
you could stay in that
and get... and that would naturally
go left onto the Harbour Bridge...
Mmm, OK.
..and stay all the way...
Mmm. Yep.
Yes, Frank?
How did you get to
the second from the left?
(LAUGHTER)
JIMMY: How were you
in the second lane?
Because if you turned onto a street,
I don't regard that
as a lane change.
So if I'm waiting at the...
I would turn into the second lane
rather than turn
into the very first.
Oh, OK, so you would cross
the lane...
Potentially break the law
to go into...
AUDIENCE: Ohh. Ooh.
..a lane that meant...
(LAUGHTER)
JIMMY: OK.
We believe it. Them, on the other
hand, they think it's bullshit.
No, no! There was one sole person
over here that went, "Ohh!"
(LAUGHTER)
But when you turn left, like, twice,
you're kind of going the wrong way.
Three lefts, you're backwards.
Yeah.
Oh, I'll turn left again and turn...
Ah, crap.
Yeah, there was only...
only one major left,
this sort of one arterial road,
left onto the Harbour Bridge,
Harbour Bridge pretty much got me,
if you stayed in your lane,
all the way to UTS university
where I was heading.
I hope you weren't studying
town planning, that's all I can say.
(LAUGHTER)
What if people changed
into your lane?
No, I would always drive
quite slowly
to give every other car
the possibility to drive...
So lots of space in front.
It's apparently
a very safe way of driving.
How many accidents do you think
you've caused on the road?
47 accidents.
Yeah. Thanks. Thank you very much.
Yeah, yeah.
Truth or a lie?
Oh, he could be
a little nervous Nellie.
Mmm.
JIMMY: Mmm.
Yeah, I can understand that.
I just think that studying a map...
CASEY: Yeah, I feel...
Do the maps even give you... Yeah.
To...
If he was living out of the city,
it might be more plausible...
City roads were the ones
that induced the most anxiety.
I actually quite like
driving in the country.
If there were no cars on the road,
I'd find driving one of the most
pleasurable things in the world.
The only thing I have against
driving are the cars.
OK, so, alright,
so what are we thinking?
You're thinking that it's...
I'm thinking it's a lie.
A lie.
CASEY: I'm gonna say it's a lie.
It's a lie.
It's a lie. Chris Taylor,
is that a truth or a lie?
Don't be ridiculous,
of course it's true.
(CHIMING)
CASEY: Oh, my God!
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
I'm horrible at this game.
Wow, well done.
You're a funny little flea.
Alright, it's time for a break.
But first, what if I told you
that we have an artistic prodigy
on our panel tonight?
It's absolutely true
that as a child,
one of our panellists
created a sculpture
that was valued at $5,000.
Who do you think it is?
I'll have the answer next
on Would I Lie To You?
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?
And before the break, we pondered
which of our six panellists
created an artwork as a child
that was valued at $5,000.
That's a lot.
The answer is Nick Cody.
(AUDIENCE MEMBERS EXCLAIM)
What?!
I was in grade prep or grade one
and we got to do pottery
and I made what I thought
was Mr Nosey.
OK.
And I brought it home...
CHRIS: From the 'Mr Men' series?
From the 'Mr Men' series.
And I brought it home to my parents,
and they said, "This is brilliant."
And it turns out I'd just made
a cock and balls in the kiln.
(LAUGHTER)
Let's see what it looks like.
We do have a photograph of the...
(LAUGHTER)
ANNIE: $5,000?!
Mr Nosey!
(LAUGHTER)
Who valued that at $5,000?
So, my mum was a receptionist
at a law firm in the city
for over 30 years
and once a year,
the law firm would have actual art
on sale around the law firm
and my mum would bring that in
and put it on reception and say,
"Nicholas Cody - $5,000."
So, your mum valued it at $5,000?
My mum valued it.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
FRANK: Now it's making sense.
That explains it all.
Now, our next round is called
This Is My...
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
This week, each of Chris's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest.
It's up to Frank's team to spot
who is telling the truth.
So, please put your hands together
for this week's special guest.
It's Max.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Good to see you, Max.
Now, Annie, who is Max to you?
This is Max.
He was the drummer
at my wedding reception
and he ruined our first dance
as husband and wife.
(LAUGHTER)
OK. Nick, who is Max to you?
This is Max and he is the reason
I didn't have kids until my 30s.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, my goodness!
And, Chris, finally,
who is Max to you?
This is Max and he is teaching me
how to use TikTok.
(LAUGHTER)
Alright, so, there we have it.
Is Max Annie's wedding waltz wrecker,
Nick's progeny preventer
or Chris's TikTok tutor?
I think we're going to cut
just straight to the chase
and we're gonna say what did he do
in that waltz that ruined it?
It wasn't a waltz.
It was, um...
It was just meant to be
a short choreographed dance
that we'd worked on,
and my husband is a musician
and so he had said to the band,
who are all our friends,
"You can, um, enjoy yourself,
"get up, you know,
drink as much as you want.
"Please play music occasionally.
"There's just one request
that... that you play 'Paper Moon'
"when we have our dance together."
And at that time,
Max had had a few drinks
and, yeah, got a bit overexcited
and, uh, he... he went too fast,
for a start,
so he completely changed the tempo,
and he also had
a strange drum solo halfway through.
(LAUGHTER)
So, tell us about the drum solo.
How did that kind of go?
As most drum solos go, very long.
Even the short ones are very long.
Yeah.
And it kind of starts where you're
like, "Oh, yeah, cool. I know...
"No. Whoa. OK. What?"
And no-one really knows
where to clap
and so we didn't know
where to dance.
Annie, how do you dance
to a drum solo?
Well, you sort of...
You start to ad lib a little bit.
(LAUGHTER)
But this was a choreographed dance.
Yeah, but we had to stop by then
because he'd gone at this
cracking pace, so we were, like...
The panic in my husband's eyes
at this point was extreme,
so I was trying to take over and be,
like... (LAUGHS) "This is fine."
And try and...
And then I was, like, "No, this is,
like, a psychedelic drum solo,"
and we just kind of edged backwards
and it got very awkward.
How long ago was your wedding?
How many years ago?
10 years.
So, he was two?
(LAUGHTER)
He's a prodigy! I think you're...
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
I think you're being a bit harsh
because the very fact that
he was able to drum at all was...
(LAUGHTER)
Look, he could be a drummer.
He could be.
He could be 25
and have done
some serious hard living.
And drummers do,
you know, so he could be a...
He might have been 15 at the time.
Well, Silverchair were 15
when they started.
Mm.
Playing weddings?
(LAUGHTER)
What was the aftermath
of the situation?
Because I imagine that it got ugly.
The drum solo sort of fizzled
and he wanted a lot of credit for it
and there was sort of
a pitter-patter of clapping
through the room.
Pitter-patter of
his tiny, little baby feet as he...
(LAUGHTER)
Do you want to move on to Nick?
OK, yeah, let's move on.
Alright, Nick, remind us again
of your connection with Max.
Max is the reason I didn't have
kids until my 30s.
JIMMY: Right, OK.
Is it just me, or does Max and Nick,
they kind of look similar?
FRANK: They could be related.
CASEY: Yeah.
They've got a bit
of the gingivitis about them.
(LAUGHTER)
They could be related, for sure.
How do you know Max? Like,
what's the relationship with Max?
I was Max's nanny.
(LAUGHTER)
Manny? Manny?
Manny. Nanny.
Nanny. OK, nanny.
So, you looked after Max
when he was a baby?
No, he wasn't a baby. I was 18.
He was around 10 or 11.
Oh, OK.
Drumming. That's when
he started his drumming.
Just on the cusp
of his drumming years.
CASEY: Yeah.
So, you were, like, his babysitter.
But what is it...
No, nanny.
What does a nanny do, exactly?
Babysitting, but longer.
OK. And so, you didn't have babies
until your 30s because...
So... so, for 10 years,
you were Max's...
Until... What? So, that doesn't...
What?
What happened?
(LAUGHTER)
I got offered a babysitting job
and there was Max
and he had a younger brother
and my dad told me
I should take the job as a nanny
so I'd learn
not to have kids early...
(LAUGHTER)
CHRISSIE: OK.
..because you'll realise
how hard it is.
Was there a reason why he thought
you might be going to start
a family young?
Mm.
I grew up in Hoppers Crossing, so...
(LAUGHTER)
Gotta play the odds. (LAUGHS)
Do you think you would
have started a family earlier
had it not been for Max?
It definitely pushed it.
I wouldn't have thought early 20s.
I just remember it
being really hard at times,
and 'at times',
I mean when I was hungover.
(LAUGHTER)
Was it hard to tell your mates
in Hoppers Crossing
that you were a nanny?
(LAUGHTER)
It is hard to make the leap
from playing footy
for Werribee Under 18s
and your nickname is 'Crusher'
and you've got a neck wider than
your head and blonde tips to go,
"Lads, I'm leaving
in round eight to be a nanny."
(LAUGHTER)
Alright, let's move on to Chris.
This is Max and he is teaching me
how to use TikTok.
How did you meet Max?
Like, LinkedIn or LinkEdin,
whatever you want to call it.
(LAUGHTER)
LinkEdin?
We met very recently.
He works in the social media team
at Channel 10
and I've just been
introduced to him recently
as part of this show, actually.
And how's that going? Have you been
doing a lot of posts on TikTok?
No, but there's an anticipation.
I think the network was worried
that I'm not on the socials
and they said, "TikTok's the big new
one that all the kids are doing."
I'd never heard of TikTok.
I thought TikTok was a biscuit,
so, um...
(LAUGHTER)
So, they've hooked me up with Max
to learn the basics,
so we've been sort of doing
lip-syncing videos
and... and a lot of dance videos too.
I'm pretty sure that
he's probably done a few rehearsals
of some of these dances.
Yeah, I would say.
Good point.
I mean, we'd love to see one.
I mean...
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
It's... it's...
I've learnt...
Oh, wow.
It's... it's quite early days
in my tutelage of TikTok,
but Max has taught me one dance.
(CLICKS FINGERS)
(LAUGHTER)
And that's all we've sort of got.
Oh, yeah!
OK.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
It's... it's mainly...
That was just the macarena
and the 'Chicken Dance'.
(LAUGHTER)
I've never seen a man
so comfortable.
(LAUGHTER)
Casey, you are big on TikTok.
Yeah. Not big-big, but I've dabbled.
You enjoy it.
Yeah, I do. I do enjoy it.
How do you think that went?
(LAUGHTER)
The dance, I didn't buy. Um...
What do you mean,
you didn't buy it?
I just... It was...
No-one expects me to be good.
No, not at all.
The idea is just to put out content.
Yeah.
Max works for
Channel 10 socials team.
He's not my choreographer.
He doesn't choose the music
I lip-sync to.
He's just the guy,
much against his desire...
I think he doesn't like me
as a student,
but he's doing what he's told
and I think we should all cut Max
a bit more slack.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
OK, so, is Max
Annie's wedding waltz wrecker,
Nick's progeny preventer
or Chris's TikTok tutor?
(LAUGHTER)
I think we can rule out Chris.
(LAUGHTER)
Don't you feel?
I don't... I don't know.
Just to be clear,
what you've been asked to rule on
isn't whether the quality
of the TikToks are good.
It's just whether he's helping me
learn the medium.
Oh, no, I understand that.
Just I've got a very visual mind,
so that dance is on high rotation.
Yeah.
We had to visualise you
naked face-down earlier.
(LAUGHTER)
True.
People pay good money for that.
(LAUGHS)
(CASEY LAUGHS)
True.
OK, so...
so, who would you think, Jimmy?
It's got to be one of them.
(EXHALES)
Um, I... For some reason,
I don't... And I don't know why...
I've got other dances.
..because I don't...
(LAUGHTER)
I felt Nick was
the most convincing to me.
Yeah. And what about you, Casey?
I don't know.
Yeah, let's go with Nick.
Well, I felt Nick as well...
Yeah.
..not... not in terms of the story,
but just earlier,
I gave him a little...
No, I also very much believe
that it's Nick.
That was my feeling,
so... so we're gonna say Nick.
Alright, great. Max,
please reveal your true identity.
My name's Max and I'm the reason
Nick didn't have kids...
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Fantastic. Yes, it is true.
Max is Nick's progeny preventer.
Thank you so much for coming in, Max.
Everybody put your hands together
for Max.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Good to see you, legend.
What a gorgeous story!
And look -
they still like each other.
We'll be back with more
Would I Lie To You?
right after the break.
(THEME MUSIC)
You're watching Would I Lie To You?
and it's time for
our next round, Possession,
in which a mystery object may or may
not belong to one of our panellists.
It's up to the opposing team
to work out
whether the story
is a truth or a lie.
Frank, take a look under your bench.
There should be a box there.
Open the box,
place the item on the bench
where everyone can see it.
JIMMY: Oh!
And now read us your card.
This is the garden gnome
that I was given
to get over my phobia
of garden gnomes.
(LAUGHS)
Ooh!
Right. How far back
does the phobia stretch?
I don't know,
but check out how far I've come.
(LAUGHTER)
Well done. That's a big step.
(APPLAUSE)
Yeah.
No, it, um, started
when I was a kid.
My grandparents
had lots of garden gnomes.
Like, some of
my earliest memories, actually,
are of just, like, going... (GASPS)
(LAUGHS)
..because there was some...
There was an old man...
(LAUGHTER)
You know, a colourful,
delightful old man just there.
If we'd filmed this 20 years ago,
could we just see your reaction
to that gnome now?
OK, like, if it was a real reaction
for me 20 years ago, I'd be, like...
And if I didn't know it was going
to be there, I'd be, like, um...
I'd be, like...
"Hey, Chris, how you going with..."
(BREATHES RAPIDLY)
(LAUGHTER)
"Hey, listen, mate,
listen, I've, um...
"I'm... I'm gonna just have to, um...
"I'm gonna have to see you later,
OK, because I, um...
"Because I've got
this kind of weird...
"I know this is weird, but I've got
a weird gnome thing and I..."
I'd cuddle that man, probably.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
So, who gave you this gnome?
Well, this was...
My, uh, psychologist gave me this.
(CHRISSIE LAUGHS)
You...
Very specifically
because I was, um...
I was having dreams,
having gnome dreams.
Describe the dreams for us.
They were short.
(LAUGHTER)
Um, like, basically, I was...
There was a point where
I reckon I was probably getting
about five hours' sleep because
every night, I would just have...
And it's the...
It's the pleasantness of it
that mainly freaked me out.
I'd been doing comedy
for about five years
and - I don't know -
it was something about the stress
of having audiences looking at me
and some...
Really, in that pressure,
and then these dreams of just the...
All the gnomes just, like, looking.
You know, "Make us...
Please us. Satisfy me," you know?
I would sometimes wake up
and just scream out
something like... (SNORTS)
(LAUGHTER)
It was... It was harrowing.
I would scream out something like,
"He's cute, but I don't like him!"
(LAUGHTER)
"I don't trust him! He's..."
Alright, so, you've gone to see
a psychologist for the phobia...
'Cause of the dreams.
Yep. They've given you a gnome.
How did that cure you
of your phobia?
Well, what he said was,
"What you want to do is
you look at the gnome and say,
"It's just made out of concrete.
It's not real.
It can't hurt me,"
that sort of thing.
And then...
Then he threw it at you. "Wrong!"
(LAUGHS)
"They can hurt, Frank!
Never forget!"
(LAUGHTER)
You're going to send...
The dreams will start again,
so please don't do that.
But then he gave me the gnome.
He said, "You have to give it
a name that you like,"
and I called it Warwick.
Warwick?
Good gnome name.
And he said,
"The first thing I want you to do is
"I want you to put it,
like, in your backyard not...
"Like, looking away from you.
"Then each day,
turn... turn it around..."
(LAUGHTER)
"..and then just each day
"bring it across the lawn
a little closer until..."
Bit by bit.
Yeah, baby steps.
"..until one night,
"I want you to sleep with it
by your bedside like that.
"And once you've had a good night's
sleep and it's been beside your bed,
"then you know that
you're basically cured."
And is it just Warwick
you're OK with now,
or all gnomes you're fine with now?
Oh, look, you could cover...
I could be neck-deep in gnomes
and I'd have a smile on my face now.
(LAUGHTER)
It's all...
You know, I'm good. I'm good.
It sounds like some sort of
tradie saying I've never heard.
"I'm neck-deep in gnomes, champ."
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
"Can I get you a pool by Christmas?
I'm neck-deep in gnomes."
This psychologist,
was he a gnome-phobia specialist?
Um, I think he was pretty good
with leprechauns.
Oh, my God, I hope this is true.
(LAUGHTER)
Me too,
just for the psychological reasons.
I don't buy a single word of this.
Yeah, nah. Nup. Nope.
I wanna believe it, but I think
you two are so quick to say no.
Would it help if I said that,
when I first met him,
he was in the jungle in New Zealand?
(LAUGHTER)
What got me was the name.
NICK AND CHRIS: Warwick.
It's such a good gnome...
Like, there's no Brayden gnome.
CHRISSIE: Yeah.
I don't think we're buying this.
No, I feel like
we're going for a lie.
We're going to say lie.
Alright, Frank,
is that a truth or is it a lie?
Hah! It's a lie.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
It is a lie.
That's not Frank's garden gnome!
It's time for a break.
We'll see you soon
on Would I Lie To You?
(THEME MUSIC)
Catch up on all the comedy
of Would I Lie To You?
on 10 play on demand.
(APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?
and right now we're in the middle
of our Possession round.
Chris, it's your turn.
Grab the box from under the bench.
Put the object on the bench
so everyone can see.
ALL: Awwww.
And then read out your card.
This is my teddy bear.
I slept with it every night
until I was 40.
(LAUGHTER)
That's pretty cute.
Frank's team?
I think we just say it's true.
Yeah.
He does look awfully comfortable
with that teddy.
What's the name?
Tommy.
Tommy the teddy.
Tommy.
And when did you first get Tommy?
I got Tommy...
I've spent every night
since I was 40 with him,
so I got him when I was born.
Have you ever noticed that
he's got, like, satanic eyes?
(LAUGHTER)
Maybe that's why...
He won't let you leave him.
He's like...
So, most young men would go,
"Maybe it's time
to wrap up the teddy business."
Was there a point
where you felt like
maybe it's time to let Tommy go?
Like, you know,
when you were maybe 10?
I think other people took that view.
I think my father
was always suggesting
maybe it's time to put Tommy away.
Dare I suggest girlfriends
might have...
Mm-mm.
..I don't know, thought that there
were 3 people in that relationship.
I wasn't having sex with Tommy.
Like, Tommy was in the bed...
But he was watching.
With those eyes.
(LAUGHTER)
If there was ever an expectation
of a girl coming over,
I might conceal Tommy.
I sort of had a technique.
Oh, what was it?
What was the technique?
Do you want to...
Can you pretend...?
I don't know what's happening.
Can you pretend we've arrived
back at my place...
OK.
Chrissy's desk could be the bed.
OK.
Come on, Tommy.
I so hope this is true.
(LAUGHS)
Alright.
So that was a really lovely night.
I thought the movie was fantastic.
Yeah, yeah, it was great, yeah.
Thanks for the lobster bisque.
Oh, no worries at all.
Now, this is my place.
So just... I'll go in first.
OK. Oh.
This is fun.
Wow.
Just come here.
Studio apartment.
This is... Look at my art.
There's Ken Done there.
There's all my Logies.
Wow. This is aggressive artwork.
And...
Yes!
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, and this is the bed.
OK.
Which, as you can see, is completely
unoccupied by anything else.
Yeah. Um, I just...
Someone's calling my name.
I just... Sorry.
I just have to...
So that was the technique.
That was sort of a... Yeah.
You got to get Tommy back.
Yes.
Is that the action of a man
who doesn't care about Tommy?
Yeah!
When you would sleep with Tommy,
what... what was your physical
relationship with Tommy
when you were sleeping...
I don't mean... I'm not getting
into anything like that.
I just mean...
I can't emphasise enough
I never fucked Tommy.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm not getting into that.
Not that I'm saying... If people
want to sleep with teddy bears,
that's fine,
everyone's got their thing.
Show us the position
that you slept...
'Position' is probably
not the right word.
Big spoon, little spoon.
Yeah.
Oh, we're not gonna see
that demonstration!
Chris, could you please assume
the sleeping with Tommy posture?
(LAUGHS)
OK.
Not every night.
I'd probably start with him,
and then during the night,
he might want his side of the bed
and I'll go to my side of the bed.
When you met your current partner,
how did she respond to you
sleeping with a teddy?
When I met my current partner
coincided with the time
when I turned 40.
And I'd never cohabited with anyone.
So, there'd been girlfriends,
but they didn't live with me.
When she moved into the house,
it was a stipulation
of the relationship
that Tommy had to go.
Ohh. Wow.
It's me or Tommy, she said.
She said, "Chris, you're 40."
(LAUGHTER)
And...
And no girlfriends
in the past said,
"Hey, Chris, you're 21,
22, 23, 24, 25..."
And where does he live now?
He now lives...
My brother has children and I don't.
And so I gifted Tommy
when he had his first child.
So the Tommy lineage carries on.
So when he had his first...
Wow.
..I said, "It's time for you
to have permanent custody of Tommy."
That's gross.
So little about him...
Why would you do that?
That is just weird!
It's weird!
"I've slept with this for 40 years.
"Wanna have a go,
young child who can't speak?"
(LAUGHS)
Yeah, it's a complicated emotion
I'm feeling.
I can't... I can't... I can't decide
if it's... if it's true.
I can't decide
if it's gross or beautiful.
(LAUGHS)
A little bit of both.
Look, the thing is I feel like it's
a lie, but so many of my instincts,
I've been wrong, and he's
cuddling it, what do you think?
No. I think when he opened the box,
he was like, "Oh!" Fake.
And then he hasn't embraced it
like he would...
Look, he's fondling...
No! He's doing that now.
So you believe that it's a lie?
I think it's a lie.
Yeah, I think it's a lie.
OK, I think we're unanimous.
Two lies.
It's a lie.
Chris Taylor...
What's that, Tommy?
He says it's true!
Yes!
Wow.
(APPLAUSE)
Gorgeous.
Wow.
And it is true,
Chris slept with his teddy bear
every single night until he was 40.
(LAUGHS)
It's time for a break. We'll see you
soon on Would I Lie To You?
(APPLAUSE, THEME MUSIC)
(APPLAUSE, THEME MUSIC)
Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?
And it's time for Quick Fire Lies.
Alright, Annie, you are up.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Uh..."I once had to admit my pet
cockatoo into psychiatric care."
(LAUGHTER)
Wow.
This cockatoo,
what's... what's its name?
Tombombadil.
Tom Bombadil?
He's got a Christian name
and a surname?
A surname. Yeah.
Uh, no, it's the one...
The one word. Tombombadil.
Tombombadil?
Yeah, you have to say it like that.
But you didn't say it like that.
When you first said it, no.
You have to say it like that!
You have to say it like that.
I, on the other hand,
can say Tom Bombadil.
Where does Tombombadil come from,
because it's a weird name?
Tombombadil, I think,
is a Tolkien character.
Did you name Tombombadil
Tombombadil?
Tombombadil was initially
for my grandfather.
He was in a dementia ward
at the time.
I'm not sure
if there's a link there.
But he named... He named him.
At what point
did Tombombadil's behaviour
start to be of concern?
Mmm. Great question.
(LAUGHTER)
And what's normal behaviour
for a cockatoo?
Even when they're completely...
themselves together mentally,
cockatoo are already like a bit...
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah.
CHRIS: Yeah.
And all of this business.
All this business...
So it's gone... (SCREECHES)
You know, so... it's fine.
(LAUGHS)
So it didn't last long
at the nursing home,
so he came to live with us
and he was my guy
and he would eat, you know,
the porridge off my spoon
and sort of chew the edges
of my homework.
And he would say,
"Tom's a good boy!"
And, um...
Oh. So his name was Tom.
No.
Well, Tombombadil is hard
for a bird's little tongue.
They've got a little,
like, stumpy tongue.
Like that.
It's too hard. Exactly like that.
And so it'd say, "Tom's a good boy."
Tom's a good boy!
Tombombadil's talking about himself
in the third person.
Well, he was a good boy.
He was a good boy?
Yeah.
Clearly that's because,
you know, people are going...
..saying to him...
He's not just coming up
with it himself.
He's just writing his own
report cards. "Tom's a good boy."
(LAUGHS)
"He's got excellent self-esteem."
He does.
(LAUGHS)
So it was all going well,
he was nibbling on your homework.
Yeah.
And he was, "Tom's a good boy."
Yeah.
And on there...
Can I con...
We can all see that, can't we?
Yeah.
A cockatoo...
Yeah.
How old were you?
I was probably 9 or 10
and so we bonded for a few years.
And then I... (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)
..I got my first boyfriend
and then things changed.
Tom is a sad boy.
Oh!
Tom got jealous, probably.
And he's like, "Tom's not
such a good boy after all.
"Tom's an angry fella."
(LAUGHS)
Tom started to change at this point,
did he?
Just... I noticed that
he, um, was getting bald patches
and he was pulling
his feathers out.
So that's a physical problem
and you'd send them
to a cockatoo dermatologist,
I believe, at that point.
But he didn't...
Or the Advanced Hair Studio
for cockatoos.
(LAUGHTER)
What's the process of diagnosing...
So, um, we take him to the vet
and they say,
"Oh, we've seen this before
"and it's, you know,
really tricky to treat.
"It's unlikely that he'll recover,
"but we've got this psychiatric
bird aviary out the back."
FRANK: Ohhh!
There's an aviary?
Yep.
Like a little padded cage
or something?
(LAUGHTER)
There's all these ex parrots
from pirates going, "Ugh! Ugh!"
But a little place,
a home for... for...
Troubled birds.
..for troubled birds.
Mentally challenged birds, yes.
'Cause it feels like all the birds
who are having problems
all get put in there together
and they probably just exacerbate
each other's problems,
wouldn't they?
I'm not meaning to make you feel bad
about abandoning Tom...
"Abandoning Tombombadil"
is a difficult thing to say.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, I can just see him alone
in a cage with other crazy parrots
going, "Tom's a good boy."
(LAUGHTER)
"Tom's a good boy." Or is he?
That's the saddest thing
I've ever heard of.
The saddest image just came to me.
I think you might have missed
the brief
about this being
light entertainment.
(LAUGHTER)
Jimmy, you're thinking it's...
Oh, I think there was
a lot of detail in there.
Yeah.
Which makes me think...
Yeah, I can see her sitting there...
(MAKES BIRD NOISES)
Yeah. Definitely.
I think it may just be cockabullshit.
Right.
OK.
Alright.
I... I feel that just the...
When she was in the zone
with Tombombadil,
I absolutely...
I found it so convincing
that that put me over the line.
So I'm gonna say
that I think it's true.
I can't wait to find out. Annie?
Is this true or a lie?
This is...
..true.
(APPLAUSE)
Wow.
CHRIS: Poor Tombombadil.
Tombombadil.
That was a complicated moment for me
'cause I was like, "Yeah! Ohhh."
(LAUGHTER)
(BUZZER)
Oh, and that noise signals
that time is up.
It's the end of the show.
And I can reveal that tonight's
winner is... Chris's team.
(APPLAUSE)
Yes! Yes! We did it.
But it's not just a team game,
of course.
My individual player of the night
is Annie Maynard!
(APPLAUSE)
And that's it for Would I Lie To You?
Thank you so much for watching
and goodnight.
Captions by Red Bee Media
(APPLAUSE)
Hello, and welcome to
Would I Lie To You?,
the show with genuine truths
and ginormous lies.
I'm Chrissie Swan
and joining me are two teams
who will take turns telling stories.
It's up to the opposing team
to determine
whether the story
is a truth or a lie.
The team with the most
correct guesses wins.
Captaining our first team tonight,
from the satirical comedy group
'The Chaser', it's Chris Taylor.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
Chris is joined by a comedian
who has performed comedy
for the troops in Afghanistan,
although he'll be the first to admit
the Taliban was a tough crowd.
It's Nick Cody.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
And an actor and voice-over artist
who can be incredibly persuasive
in radio commercials.
I was talking with her
before the show
and now I'm a proud member of
Australian Pensioners Insurance.
It's Annie Maynard.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
And captaining our second team
tonight, it's comedian Frank Woodley.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
Frank's first teammate found fame on
the kids TV show 'Giggle and Hoot'.
We hoped to have Hoot the Owl
on the show tonight,
but he said he was far too busy
tearing the heads off mice.
However, we do have Jimmy Rees.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
And the only person to have achieved
Australian television's triple crown.
She won 'Australian Idol', she won
'I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here'
and, after slipping me
a $50 note before the show,
she's tonight's winner of
Would I Lie To You?
It's Casey Donovan.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
Alright, first up is Home Truths
where our panellists
each read out a statement
from a card in front of them.
The card will contain either a truth
from the panellist's real life
or a lie that we just made up.
But they won't know
until they read it aloud.
It's up to the opposing team to sort
the facts from the fabrications.
OK, Frank, you're up first.
OK.
I was chased through the jungle
by an angry seal.
CHRIS: Woof!
(LAUGHTER)
I mean,
there's plenty of questions already,
but where are you going to start,
Chris's team?
Which... which jungle in the world
did you find yourself in?
Was it the 'I'm a Celebrity' jungle
and was it Seal the singer?
(LAUGHTER)
That's... that's my story.
That's it?
Yeah.
No, it was in New Zealand.
A jungle in New Zealand?
Yes. Well, it was...
Well, how do you define a jungle?
It was like, um...
Not New Zealand.
Yeah.
Lots of leafy big trees.
Leafy green foliage
replete with, like, vines and...
Like, if Tarzan had have appeared
at that point,
you know,
you would've been surprised.
Or a seal.
NICK: And the seal, yeah.
But you wouldn't have said
to yourself,
"He's in the wrong habitat."
Do you know what I mean?
Well, no.
If... if Tarzan... if Tarzan
appeared in New Zealand,
you might think this is suddenly
looking more jungly,
but I'm assuming Tarzan
wasn't there.
New Zealand might have rainforest,
it doesn't have any jungle.
Well, I'm not sure
what the definition of jungle is.
To me, I would have said
it was very 'jungular'.
Jungle-ish.
(LAUGHS)
Ah.
You know, it was green.
Lots of green... I don't know,
what is the definition of a jungle?
See? I rest my case.
(LAUGHTER)
Um...
How did the seal
get into the jungle?
W-w-well, I don't know!
(LAUGHS)
All... all I know is that
we were walking through it...
We? We? Who are these we?
..down a path.
Um, my, uh...
JIMMY: Tarzan.
(LAUGHTER)
No Tar...
Jane.
Mowgli.
Yeah. (LAUGHS)
Him and a whale and a dolphin
and an orca.
There was, um, my wife
and my daughter and my nephew.
And we were walking through,
like, a path
through the jungular forest
of New Zealand.
My daughter had just said
to my nephew,
"I'm a bit scared," because
you know, "Are there snakes
"or, you know, jaguars or things?"
And he said, "Well, no,
the great thing about New Zealand
"is there's no dangerous animals."
And exactly at the point
where he said,
"There's no dangerous animals,"
we heard...
(IMITATES ANIMAL BARKING
AND GRUNTING)
And...
Wow.
And the jungle was just going...
(MAKES RUMBLING NOISE)
And out of the jungle ran a seal!
Got... I mean, do they run?
How does it run?
It doesn't have any legs.
Not running. What do you call that?
(LAUGHTER)
And considerably faster.
Like when... as soon as we saw it, we
all screeched and squealed and ran.
And we were like, "I wouldn't have
thought they could go...
"..that fast."
Like, it was really
like... gettin'...
(SQUEALS AND BLEATS)
Through the jungle,
crashing onto the path.
And we were all just, like,
running up the path and...
Was it a seal
doing Tough Mudder or something
and sort of got
hopelessly off course?
Now that you say it,
it might have been a pig.
(LAUGHTER)
No.
I didn't get a good look at it.
It's very easy to confuse them.
Yeah.
No, it was like it...
Oh! You've misunderstood.
It was an American Navy SEAL.
Like, one of those.
You know?
He was just doing...
Yeah.
Which was weird. That weird.
And when he ran like that...
(LAUGHTER)
You should...
But I remember there was a, um...
One thing that was quite funny,
there was a...
When we went into the path,
there was one of those,
you know, those pine walkway things
where when you go in,
you have to go... like this.
OTHERS: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
..to go into the car?
CHRIS: Yeah.
Right?
Yeah.
And I swear, we went in like that
and we went out
just right over the top.
Just like... Not quite hurtling it,
but just clambering over.
And then the seal went under that
and kept chasing us...
Still chasing you...
Kept chasing us.
..even out of the park?
Making all the noise.
And, um... and then it ra... we...
That led into a camp site
and the seal went down
into the camp site
and then everybody
from the camp site came around
and started taking photos of it.
And it was just kind of, like,
going...
(LAUGHTER)
No, it wasn't.
It was, like, just going... (GRUNTS)
CHRIS: So...
For some reason,
I can picture all this,
but I can't picture you
not in a suit.
(LAUGHTER)
So I just see you in that...
CHRISSIE: Yeah, me too.
..running away from a jungle seal.
CHRIS: Yeah.
Yeah.
There were some penguins there
as well
and they were in, like,
bow ties and...
I've sort of come around.
What are you thinking?
Yeah, I feel...
I mean, I love Frank Woodley.
I don't feel like he's Bear Grylls.
You know, he's not comfortable
in... in the rugged...
Around nature.
Nature. Get a bit rashy maybe.
So I...
(LAUGHTER)
I just do want to point out
it was like a five-minute walk
from the house.
I didn't have to go, like,
hiking for six days
and sleep inside
the belly of a camel at one point.
Frank, stop drinking your own piss.
You've got a water bottle!
(LAUGHTER)
I...
I mean, am I crazy to think
it might be true?
I think... I think it's true.
Yeah.
Against our better wisdom,
I think we're gonna say true.
You're gonna go true. Alright,
Frank, is that a truth or a lie?
A jungle in New Zealand?
Of course it's true.
(CHIMING)
Yay!
Well done.
Great story.
Nick, you are up next.
I once made a citizen's arrest
in my undies.
(LAUGHTER)
Please be true.
Alright, Frank's team,
what are your questions?
OK, where were you?
At home.
What... what... what... How does...
At the start, home.
(LAUGHS)
What were you arresting someone for?
Trying to break into my car.
Somebody's trying to break
into the car,
you go out there in your undies,
what happened?
Started chasing them.
How old are you?
This was only two years ago. I've
only had my licence for a few years.
Oh.
Loser.
It was... (LAUGHS)
So you chase this strange person...
Yeah.
..trying to break into your car
down the road?
Yeah.
How long did it take to catch him?
And what happened?
About 50 metres.
Oh. Rapid.
Yeah.
And you caught them?
Yeah, I just got lucky.
I was very angry.
I've got a five-month-old
and a three-year-old.
When my three-year-old was a baby,
he's never slept through.
Never slept through once.
You're just...
The rage...
(LAUGHTER)
..of no sleep constantly
and I heard a noise outside
and I opened the door
to see what was happening,
someone was trying to get
into the door
and I just chased them down
the street.
At the point where you caught him,
how was he responding?
Not well.
Was he saying things to you?
Yeah.
What sort of stuff?
Things you can't say on TV. Yeah.
Let's... let's find a word.
Like, instead of the F word,
we're gonna say...
(LAUGHS)
..we're gonna say fruit.
And instead of the C word,
we're gonna say clam.
Yep.
So, what...
Give us an idea of the sort of...
"You fruitin' clam."
(LAUGHTER)
And what happened?
You, like, tackled...
Tackled.
"This is a citizen's arrest!"
CASEY: Yeah.
I didn't say it. (LAUGHS)
CHRIS: Yes. (LAUGHS)
I wish it was that cool.
How did you know that
you were arresting...
CASEY: Yeah, how did you know?
..doing a citizen's arrest?
I just held him down on the ground.
My wife popped her head out,
I said, "Call the cops."
They were pretty quick
to come around.
So it might have been 10 minutes.
You held him down for 10 minutes.
Wow.
He just sort of chilled out.
I've got a feeling
this isn't the first time
this bloke has been
in this position.
CHRIS: Right.
He's like, "I know what's comin'."
A little bit like how deers, you see
when they're attacked by a lion,
they run, but when they're...
they just do go kind of...
They have that sort of give-up.
Did he have that vibe a bit?
Technically,
he's not really a thief, is he,
'cause he hasn't stolen anything.
He's just attempted to steal
the car.
CHRISSIE: Yes, Your Honour.
Alright, defence lawyer.
In fact, knowing your state of mind,
it is possible,
like, in terms of the delirium
of a newborn child,
the poor guy might have just been
getting into his own car.
I love this story. But is it
the truth or is it a lie?
For the first telling of that,
there was no hesitation at all.
Yeah, I think it's true.
CASEY: Yeah, we'll go with truth.
Yeah, we're going with truth.
Truth.
That's three. Nick Cody,
is that a truth or a lie?
It is...
..a lie.
Oh, brilliant!
(CHIMING)
Brilliant.
ANNIE: Well done!
So well done.
Did anybody pick that?
Well done.
Because I haven't slept
for three years,
I got to play that scenario out
in my head...
..hundreds of times.
Wow.
Somebody better break into the car.
It's time for a break. We'll see you
soon on Would I Lie To You?
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?
and we are in the middle
of Home Truths.
Casey, you are up next.
OK. (CLEARS THROAT)
I was once mistaken... for a corpse.
(LAUGHTER)
CHRIS: Right.
OK.
Were you lying down in a morgue
at the time or...
No, I was on my stomach
in a hotel room.
So you're lying down
in a hotel room.
Yeah.
Who's mistaken you for a corpse?
I do you believe that
it was the duty manager.
Traditionally, hotels,
the duty manager's not just
casually going into every room
on the off-chance
there's something happening.
Normally...
"Anyone dead?" (KNOCKS ON TABLE)
Unless the hotel's got
a really bad reputation
for losing people during the night,
I'm assuming the duty manager
is not just making door knocks
in case people have died.
So why... why was the duty manager
the first person to find you?
I think no-one had come
into the room possibly.
I don't know, maybe the DND
was on the door. I'm not sure.
That's 'do not disturb', everyone.
Oh, sorry, do not disturb. (LAUGHS)
JIMMY: No helping.
Why were you face down on the floor?
I just like to try new things.
I mean, there... there was a bed,
there was a lounge,
but I thought, "You know what?
My back's been a bit out lately,
"so why not just..."
Were you asleep or passed out drunk?
I think it was a bit of both.
Yeah, OK.
Yeah.
Yeah. I think it was a bit of both.
But you'd had a bad back, had you?
I had, yes.
Would you go face down?
Yeah.
Or would you go on your back
if you had a bad back?
Well, it depends.
Um, if you go to a physio,
they'll say to lay on your back
and then a chiropractor may say
to lie on your side.
And if you ask a duty manager...
(LAUGHS)
They'd say corpse. Yeah. Yeah.
Corpse. Yeah.
Imagine being so hung-over,
they'd call the coroner.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, yeah.
(CHRISSIE LAUGHS)
What are you... what are you wearing
at the time of corpse scene?
Absolutely nothing.
Oh, God!
Oh!
That's a detail we should have known
before now.
She was in the privacy of her room.
Yeah.
And can I just ask you a question?
Absolutely.
Just to get the visual image
in my head. I just...
Just for myself to get clear
'cause it feels
kind of quite different.
I'll do it over here
so you can see...
Oh, thank you.
When you were face down
in the hotel room...
Mm-hm.
..was it...
Was it like this? Like...
Planking?
Yeah. Was it arms to the side?
NICK: Yeah.
Or was it this?
Ah!
(LAUGHTER)
Yes, was it face to the side
or face flat to the ground?
They seem...
Excellent point, Frank.
Well, when you do have a sore back,
and I'm just a horrible
side-sleeper,
so I think I was a bit, yeah.
So head to the side, you think?
Sort of been...
And was your face facing the door?
The duty manager?
I want to call her Judy.
When they came in, boonk!
(IMITATES DOOR BANGING) "Come in."
Um, I was facing away
from... from Judy.
Terrifying.
See, as a... as a human,
you want it to be false.
CHRIS: Yes.
But as a comedian,
I so want it to be true.
I'm like, "What a legendary effort."
And you're answering as a human
or a comedian?
I'm gonna say...
Yeah, always. True.
You think true.
I want it to be true.
I think it might be true.
ANNIE: Yep, I'm gonna say truth.
Yeah.
We're gonna say true.
CHRISSIE: Beautiful.
Casey Donovan,
is that a truth or a lie?
(SIGHS)
It is...
..a truth.
(CHIMING)
Oh!
CHRIS: Oh.
The start of that,
I thought, "No way."
'Cause she told it
as if she didn't have a clue.
I've gotta ask this.
Was sambuca involved?
(LAUGHTER)
I can't remember.
No. No, you cannot.
CHRIS: What a story.
Yeah. Yeah, that happened.
Alright, Chris, it's your turn.
When I owned a car,
I would study road maps
so that I could drive a route
without ever having to change lanes.
(LAUGHTER)
You don't own a car now?
Like, when you owned a car?
This is when I last owned a car.
The only time I've owned a car.
And do you say 'root' or 'route'?
(LAUGHTER)
I say 'root'.
OK. Sure.
It's a lie!
(LAUGHTER)
So, I imagine it is possible
to get from point A to point B
without changing lanes.
You would have to go left
and let... then...
Like, it would cause
a lot of complexity.
So I feel you would have to have
a very, very, very, very good reason
for not wanting to change lanes.
So what was that?
I was a very stressful driver.
I, uh...
That's not gotta help.
I don't like driving,
I'm an anxious driver
and changing lanes
caused a lot of anxiety.
An optimum commute
was no lane changes.
And I found one, from university
to home, home to university.
I found a lane you can get in
at the start of the trip
to never have to change lanes
to get to the destination.
But, surely, doesn't that mean that
you're never in the right lane,
the right-hand lane?
Because every time you enter,
you're turning into
the closest lane to you,
which is the left lane.
Yeah, but on a single...
Unless you have, like, a ramp
at the end of your street
to get to the right lane, you went
across the top of the left lane
and into the right lane,
like 'Dukes of Hazzard'.
I never needed to do
a right-hand turn on this commute...
So...
What about on the way back?
Yeah. (LAUGHS)
ANNIE: Shut up. Shut up.
Sorry.
Let me... I... I don't...
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
You're not helping, Nick.
Have you... have you driven
in Sydney?
CASEY: Yeah. I have.
Have you?
It's appallingly designed.
But if you were in
the second from the left
at the start of the trip,
you could stay in that
and get... and that would naturally
go left onto the Harbour Bridge...
Mmm, OK.
..and stay all the way...
Mmm. Yep.
Yes, Frank?
How did you get to
the second from the left?
(LAUGHTER)
JIMMY: How were you
in the second lane?
Because if you turned onto a street,
I don't regard that
as a lane change.
So if I'm waiting at the...
I would turn into the second lane
rather than turn
into the very first.
Oh, OK, so you would cross
the lane...
Potentially break the law
to go into...
AUDIENCE: Ohh. Ooh.
..a lane that meant...
(LAUGHTER)
JIMMY: OK.
We believe it. Them, on the other
hand, they think it's bullshit.
No, no! There was one sole person
over here that went, "Ohh!"
(LAUGHTER)
But when you turn left, like, twice,
you're kind of going the wrong way.
Three lefts, you're backwards.
Yeah.
Oh, I'll turn left again and turn...
Ah, crap.
Yeah, there was only...
only one major left,
this sort of one arterial road,
left onto the Harbour Bridge,
Harbour Bridge pretty much got me,
if you stayed in your lane,
all the way to UTS university
where I was heading.
I hope you weren't studying
town planning, that's all I can say.
(LAUGHTER)
What if people changed
into your lane?
No, I would always drive
quite slowly
to give every other car
the possibility to drive...
So lots of space in front.
It's apparently
a very safe way of driving.
How many accidents do you think
you've caused on the road?
47 accidents.
Yeah. Thanks. Thank you very much.
Yeah, yeah.
Truth or a lie?
Oh, he could be
a little nervous Nellie.
Mmm.
JIMMY: Mmm.
Yeah, I can understand that.
I just think that studying a map...
CASEY: Yeah, I feel...
Do the maps even give you... Yeah.
To...
If he was living out of the city,
it might be more plausible...
City roads were the ones
that induced the most anxiety.
I actually quite like
driving in the country.
If there were no cars on the road,
I'd find driving one of the most
pleasurable things in the world.
The only thing I have against
driving are the cars.
OK, so, alright,
so what are we thinking?
You're thinking that it's...
I'm thinking it's a lie.
A lie.
CASEY: I'm gonna say it's a lie.
It's a lie.
It's a lie. Chris Taylor,
is that a truth or a lie?
Don't be ridiculous,
of course it's true.
(CHIMING)
CASEY: Oh, my God!
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
I'm horrible at this game.
Wow, well done.
You're a funny little flea.
Alright, it's time for a break.
But first, what if I told you
that we have an artistic prodigy
on our panel tonight?
It's absolutely true
that as a child,
one of our panellists
created a sculpture
that was valued at $5,000.
Who do you think it is?
I'll have the answer next
on Would I Lie To You?
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?
And before the break, we pondered
which of our six panellists
created an artwork as a child
that was valued at $5,000.
That's a lot.
The answer is Nick Cody.
(AUDIENCE MEMBERS EXCLAIM)
What?!
I was in grade prep or grade one
and we got to do pottery
and I made what I thought
was Mr Nosey.
OK.
And I brought it home...
CHRIS: From the 'Mr Men' series?
From the 'Mr Men' series.
And I brought it home to my parents,
and they said, "This is brilliant."
And it turns out I'd just made
a cock and balls in the kiln.
(LAUGHTER)
Let's see what it looks like.
We do have a photograph of the...
(LAUGHTER)
ANNIE: $5,000?!
Mr Nosey!
(LAUGHTER)
Who valued that at $5,000?
So, my mum was a receptionist
at a law firm in the city
for over 30 years
and once a year,
the law firm would have actual art
on sale around the law firm
and my mum would bring that in
and put it on reception and say,
"Nicholas Cody - $5,000."
So, your mum valued it at $5,000?
My mum valued it.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
FRANK: Now it's making sense.
That explains it all.
Now, our next round is called
This Is My...
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
This week, each of Chris's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest.
It's up to Frank's team to spot
who is telling the truth.
So, please put your hands together
for this week's special guest.
It's Max.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Good to see you, Max.
Now, Annie, who is Max to you?
This is Max.
He was the drummer
at my wedding reception
and he ruined our first dance
as husband and wife.
(LAUGHTER)
OK. Nick, who is Max to you?
This is Max and he is the reason
I didn't have kids until my 30s.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, my goodness!
And, Chris, finally,
who is Max to you?
This is Max and he is teaching me
how to use TikTok.
(LAUGHTER)
Alright, so, there we have it.
Is Max Annie's wedding waltz wrecker,
Nick's progeny preventer
or Chris's TikTok tutor?
I think we're going to cut
just straight to the chase
and we're gonna say what did he do
in that waltz that ruined it?
It wasn't a waltz.
It was, um...
It was just meant to be
a short choreographed dance
that we'd worked on,
and my husband is a musician
and so he had said to the band,
who are all our friends,
"You can, um, enjoy yourself,
"get up, you know,
drink as much as you want.
"Please play music occasionally.
"There's just one request
that... that you play 'Paper Moon'
"when we have our dance together."
And at that time,
Max had had a few drinks
and, yeah, got a bit overexcited
and, uh, he... he went too fast,
for a start,
so he completely changed the tempo,
and he also had
a strange drum solo halfway through.
(LAUGHTER)
So, tell us about the drum solo.
How did that kind of go?
As most drum solos go, very long.
Even the short ones are very long.
Yeah.
And it kind of starts where you're
like, "Oh, yeah, cool. I know...
"No. Whoa. OK. What?"
And no-one really knows
where to clap
and so we didn't know
where to dance.
Annie, how do you dance
to a drum solo?
Well, you sort of...
You start to ad lib a little bit.
(LAUGHTER)
But this was a choreographed dance.
Yeah, but we had to stop by then
because he'd gone at this
cracking pace, so we were, like...
The panic in my husband's eyes
at this point was extreme,
so I was trying to take over and be,
like... (LAUGHS) "This is fine."
And try and...
And then I was, like, "No, this is,
like, a psychedelic drum solo,"
and we just kind of edged backwards
and it got very awkward.
How long ago was your wedding?
How many years ago?
10 years.
So, he was two?
(LAUGHTER)
He's a prodigy! I think you're...
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
I think you're being a bit harsh
because the very fact that
he was able to drum at all was...
(LAUGHTER)
Look, he could be a drummer.
He could be.
He could be 25
and have done
some serious hard living.
And drummers do,
you know, so he could be a...
He might have been 15 at the time.
Well, Silverchair were 15
when they started.
Mm.
Playing weddings?
(LAUGHTER)
What was the aftermath
of the situation?
Because I imagine that it got ugly.
The drum solo sort of fizzled
and he wanted a lot of credit for it
and there was sort of
a pitter-patter of clapping
through the room.
Pitter-patter of
his tiny, little baby feet as he...
(LAUGHTER)
Do you want to move on to Nick?
OK, yeah, let's move on.
Alright, Nick, remind us again
of your connection with Max.
Max is the reason I didn't have
kids until my 30s.
JIMMY: Right, OK.
Is it just me, or does Max and Nick,
they kind of look similar?
FRANK: They could be related.
CASEY: Yeah.
They've got a bit
of the gingivitis about them.
(LAUGHTER)
They could be related, for sure.
How do you know Max? Like,
what's the relationship with Max?
I was Max's nanny.
(LAUGHTER)
Manny? Manny?
Manny. Nanny.
Nanny. OK, nanny.
So, you looked after Max
when he was a baby?
No, he wasn't a baby. I was 18.
He was around 10 or 11.
Oh, OK.
Drumming. That's when
he started his drumming.
Just on the cusp
of his drumming years.
CASEY: Yeah.
So, you were, like, his babysitter.
But what is it...
No, nanny.
What does a nanny do, exactly?
Babysitting, but longer.
OK. And so, you didn't have babies
until your 30s because...
So... so, for 10 years,
you were Max's...
Until... What? So, that doesn't...
What?
What happened?
(LAUGHTER)
I got offered a babysitting job
and there was Max
and he had a younger brother
and my dad told me
I should take the job as a nanny
so I'd learn
not to have kids early...
(LAUGHTER)
CHRISSIE: OK.
..because you'll realise
how hard it is.
Was there a reason why he thought
you might be going to start
a family young?
Mm.
I grew up in Hoppers Crossing, so...
(LAUGHTER)
Gotta play the odds. (LAUGHS)
Do you think you would
have started a family earlier
had it not been for Max?
It definitely pushed it.
I wouldn't have thought early 20s.
I just remember it
being really hard at times,
and 'at times',
I mean when I was hungover.
(LAUGHTER)
Was it hard to tell your mates
in Hoppers Crossing
that you were a nanny?
(LAUGHTER)
It is hard to make the leap
from playing footy
for Werribee Under 18s
and your nickname is 'Crusher'
and you've got a neck wider than
your head and blonde tips to go,
"Lads, I'm leaving
in round eight to be a nanny."
(LAUGHTER)
Alright, let's move on to Chris.
This is Max and he is teaching me
how to use TikTok.
How did you meet Max?
Like, LinkedIn or LinkEdin,
whatever you want to call it.
(LAUGHTER)
LinkEdin?
We met very recently.
He works in the social media team
at Channel 10
and I've just been
introduced to him recently
as part of this show, actually.
And how's that going? Have you been
doing a lot of posts on TikTok?
No, but there's an anticipation.
I think the network was worried
that I'm not on the socials
and they said, "TikTok's the big new
one that all the kids are doing."
I'd never heard of TikTok.
I thought TikTok was a biscuit,
so, um...
(LAUGHTER)
So, they've hooked me up with Max
to learn the basics,
so we've been sort of doing
lip-syncing videos
and... and a lot of dance videos too.
I'm pretty sure that
he's probably done a few rehearsals
of some of these dances.
Yeah, I would say.
Good point.
I mean, we'd love to see one.
I mean...
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
It's... it's...
I've learnt...
Oh, wow.
It's... it's quite early days
in my tutelage of TikTok,
but Max has taught me one dance.
(CLICKS FINGERS)
(LAUGHTER)
And that's all we've sort of got.
Oh, yeah!
OK.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
It's... it's mainly...
That was just the macarena
and the 'Chicken Dance'.
(LAUGHTER)
I've never seen a man
so comfortable.
(LAUGHTER)
Casey, you are big on TikTok.
Yeah. Not big-big, but I've dabbled.
You enjoy it.
Yeah, I do. I do enjoy it.
How do you think that went?
(LAUGHTER)
The dance, I didn't buy. Um...
What do you mean,
you didn't buy it?
I just... It was...
No-one expects me to be good.
No, not at all.
The idea is just to put out content.
Yeah.
Max works for
Channel 10 socials team.
He's not my choreographer.
He doesn't choose the music
I lip-sync to.
He's just the guy,
much against his desire...
I think he doesn't like me
as a student,
but he's doing what he's told
and I think we should all cut Max
a bit more slack.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
OK, so, is Max
Annie's wedding waltz wrecker,
Nick's progeny preventer
or Chris's TikTok tutor?
(LAUGHTER)
I think we can rule out Chris.
(LAUGHTER)
Don't you feel?
I don't... I don't know.
Just to be clear,
what you've been asked to rule on
isn't whether the quality
of the TikToks are good.
It's just whether he's helping me
learn the medium.
Oh, no, I understand that.
Just I've got a very visual mind,
so that dance is on high rotation.
Yeah.
We had to visualise you
naked face-down earlier.
(LAUGHTER)
True.
People pay good money for that.
(LAUGHS)
(CASEY LAUGHS)
True.
OK, so...
so, who would you think, Jimmy?
It's got to be one of them.
(EXHALES)
Um, I... For some reason,
I don't... And I don't know why...
I've got other dances.
..because I don't...
(LAUGHTER)
I felt Nick was
the most convincing to me.
Yeah. And what about you, Casey?
I don't know.
Yeah, let's go with Nick.
Well, I felt Nick as well...
Yeah.
..not... not in terms of the story,
but just earlier,
I gave him a little...
No, I also very much believe
that it's Nick.
That was my feeling,
so... so we're gonna say Nick.
Alright, great. Max,
please reveal your true identity.
My name's Max and I'm the reason
Nick didn't have kids...
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Fantastic. Yes, it is true.
Max is Nick's progeny preventer.
Thank you so much for coming in, Max.
Everybody put your hands together
for Max.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Good to see you, legend.
What a gorgeous story!
And look -
they still like each other.
We'll be back with more
Would I Lie To You?
right after the break.
(THEME MUSIC)
You're watching Would I Lie To You?
and it's time for
our next round, Possession,
in which a mystery object may or may
not belong to one of our panellists.
It's up to the opposing team
to work out
whether the story
is a truth or a lie.
Frank, take a look under your bench.
There should be a box there.
Open the box,
place the item on the bench
where everyone can see it.
JIMMY: Oh!
And now read us your card.
This is the garden gnome
that I was given
to get over my phobia
of garden gnomes.
(LAUGHS)
Ooh!
Right. How far back
does the phobia stretch?
I don't know,
but check out how far I've come.
(LAUGHTER)
Well done. That's a big step.
(APPLAUSE)
Yeah.
No, it, um, started
when I was a kid.
My grandparents
had lots of garden gnomes.
Like, some of
my earliest memories, actually,
are of just, like, going... (GASPS)
(LAUGHS)
..because there was some...
There was an old man...
(LAUGHTER)
You know, a colourful,
delightful old man just there.
If we'd filmed this 20 years ago,
could we just see your reaction
to that gnome now?
OK, like, if it was a real reaction
for me 20 years ago, I'd be, like...
And if I didn't know it was going
to be there, I'd be, like, um...
I'd be, like...
"Hey, Chris, how you going with..."
(BREATHES RAPIDLY)
(LAUGHTER)
"Hey, listen, mate,
listen, I've, um...
"I'm... I'm gonna just have to, um...
"I'm gonna have to see you later,
OK, because I, um...
"Because I've got
this kind of weird...
"I know this is weird, but I've got
a weird gnome thing and I..."
I'd cuddle that man, probably.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
So, who gave you this gnome?
Well, this was...
My, uh, psychologist gave me this.
(CHRISSIE LAUGHS)
You...
Very specifically
because I was, um...
I was having dreams,
having gnome dreams.
Describe the dreams for us.
They were short.
(LAUGHTER)
Um, like, basically, I was...
There was a point where
I reckon I was probably getting
about five hours' sleep because
every night, I would just have...
And it's the...
It's the pleasantness of it
that mainly freaked me out.
I'd been doing comedy
for about five years
and - I don't know -
it was something about the stress
of having audiences looking at me
and some...
Really, in that pressure,
and then these dreams of just the...
All the gnomes just, like, looking.
You know, "Make us...
Please us. Satisfy me," you know?
I would sometimes wake up
and just scream out
something like... (SNORTS)
(LAUGHTER)
It was... It was harrowing.
I would scream out something like,
"He's cute, but I don't like him!"
(LAUGHTER)
"I don't trust him! He's..."
Alright, so, you've gone to see
a psychologist for the phobia...
'Cause of the dreams.
Yep. They've given you a gnome.
How did that cure you
of your phobia?
Well, what he said was,
"What you want to do is
you look at the gnome and say,
"It's just made out of concrete.
It's not real.
It can't hurt me,"
that sort of thing.
And then...
Then he threw it at you. "Wrong!"
(LAUGHS)
"They can hurt, Frank!
Never forget!"
(LAUGHTER)
You're going to send...
The dreams will start again,
so please don't do that.
But then he gave me the gnome.
He said, "You have to give it
a name that you like,"
and I called it Warwick.
Warwick?
Good gnome name.
And he said,
"The first thing I want you to do is
"I want you to put it,
like, in your backyard not...
"Like, looking away from you.
"Then each day,
turn... turn it around..."
(LAUGHTER)
"..and then just each day
"bring it across the lawn
a little closer until..."
Bit by bit.
Yeah, baby steps.
"..until one night,
"I want you to sleep with it
by your bedside like that.
"And once you've had a good night's
sleep and it's been beside your bed,
"then you know that
you're basically cured."
And is it just Warwick
you're OK with now,
or all gnomes you're fine with now?
Oh, look, you could cover...
I could be neck-deep in gnomes
and I'd have a smile on my face now.
(LAUGHTER)
It's all...
You know, I'm good. I'm good.
It sounds like some sort of
tradie saying I've never heard.
"I'm neck-deep in gnomes, champ."
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
"Can I get you a pool by Christmas?
I'm neck-deep in gnomes."
This psychologist,
was he a gnome-phobia specialist?
Um, I think he was pretty good
with leprechauns.
Oh, my God, I hope this is true.
(LAUGHTER)
Me too,
just for the psychological reasons.
I don't buy a single word of this.
Yeah, nah. Nup. Nope.
I wanna believe it, but I think
you two are so quick to say no.
Would it help if I said that,
when I first met him,
he was in the jungle in New Zealand?
(LAUGHTER)
What got me was the name.
NICK AND CHRIS: Warwick.
It's such a good gnome...
Like, there's no Brayden gnome.
CHRISSIE: Yeah.
I don't think we're buying this.
No, I feel like
we're going for a lie.
We're going to say lie.
Alright, Frank,
is that a truth or is it a lie?
Hah! It's a lie.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
It is a lie.
That's not Frank's garden gnome!
It's time for a break.
We'll see you soon
on Would I Lie To You?
(THEME MUSIC)
Catch up on all the comedy
of Would I Lie To You?
on 10 play on demand.
(APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?
and right now we're in the middle
of our Possession round.
Chris, it's your turn.
Grab the box from under the bench.
Put the object on the bench
so everyone can see.
ALL: Awwww.
And then read out your card.
This is my teddy bear.
I slept with it every night
until I was 40.
(LAUGHTER)
That's pretty cute.
Frank's team?
I think we just say it's true.
Yeah.
He does look awfully comfortable
with that teddy.
What's the name?
Tommy.
Tommy the teddy.
Tommy.
And when did you first get Tommy?
I got Tommy...
I've spent every night
since I was 40 with him,
so I got him when I was born.
Have you ever noticed that
he's got, like, satanic eyes?
(LAUGHTER)
Maybe that's why...
He won't let you leave him.
He's like...
So, most young men would go,
"Maybe it's time
to wrap up the teddy business."
Was there a point
where you felt like
maybe it's time to let Tommy go?
Like, you know,
when you were maybe 10?
I think other people took that view.
I think my father
was always suggesting
maybe it's time to put Tommy away.
Dare I suggest girlfriends
might have...
Mm-mm.
..I don't know, thought that there
were 3 people in that relationship.
I wasn't having sex with Tommy.
Like, Tommy was in the bed...
But he was watching.
With those eyes.
(LAUGHTER)
If there was ever an expectation
of a girl coming over,
I might conceal Tommy.
I sort of had a technique.
Oh, what was it?
What was the technique?
Do you want to...
Can you pretend...?
I don't know what's happening.
Can you pretend we've arrived
back at my place...
OK.
Chrissy's desk could be the bed.
OK.
Come on, Tommy.
I so hope this is true.
(LAUGHS)
Alright.
So that was a really lovely night.
I thought the movie was fantastic.
Yeah, yeah, it was great, yeah.
Thanks for the lobster bisque.
Oh, no worries at all.
Now, this is my place.
So just... I'll go in first.
OK. Oh.
This is fun.
Wow.
Just come here.
Studio apartment.
This is... Look at my art.
There's Ken Done there.
There's all my Logies.
Wow. This is aggressive artwork.
And...
Yes!
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, and this is the bed.
OK.
Which, as you can see, is completely
unoccupied by anything else.
Yeah. Um, I just...
Someone's calling my name.
I just... Sorry.
I just have to...
So that was the technique.
That was sort of a... Yeah.
You got to get Tommy back.
Yes.
Is that the action of a man
who doesn't care about Tommy?
Yeah!
When you would sleep with Tommy,
what... what was your physical
relationship with Tommy
when you were sleeping...
I don't mean... I'm not getting
into anything like that.
I just mean...
I can't emphasise enough
I never fucked Tommy.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm not getting into that.
Not that I'm saying... If people
want to sleep with teddy bears,
that's fine,
everyone's got their thing.
Show us the position
that you slept...
'Position' is probably
not the right word.
Big spoon, little spoon.
Yeah.
Oh, we're not gonna see
that demonstration!
Chris, could you please assume
the sleeping with Tommy posture?
(LAUGHS)
OK.
Not every night.
I'd probably start with him,
and then during the night,
he might want his side of the bed
and I'll go to my side of the bed.
When you met your current partner,
how did she respond to you
sleeping with a teddy?
When I met my current partner
coincided with the time
when I turned 40.
And I'd never cohabited with anyone.
So, there'd been girlfriends,
but they didn't live with me.
When she moved into the house,
it was a stipulation
of the relationship
that Tommy had to go.
Ohh. Wow.
It's me or Tommy, she said.
She said, "Chris, you're 40."
(LAUGHTER)
And...
And no girlfriends
in the past said,
"Hey, Chris, you're 21,
22, 23, 24, 25..."
And where does he live now?
He now lives...
My brother has children and I don't.
And so I gifted Tommy
when he had his first child.
So the Tommy lineage carries on.
So when he had his first...
Wow.
..I said, "It's time for you
to have permanent custody of Tommy."
That's gross.
So little about him...
Why would you do that?
That is just weird!
It's weird!
"I've slept with this for 40 years.
"Wanna have a go,
young child who can't speak?"
(LAUGHS)
Yeah, it's a complicated emotion
I'm feeling.
I can't... I can't... I can't decide
if it's... if it's true.
I can't decide
if it's gross or beautiful.
(LAUGHS)
A little bit of both.
Look, the thing is I feel like it's
a lie, but so many of my instincts,
I've been wrong, and he's
cuddling it, what do you think?
No. I think when he opened the box,
he was like, "Oh!" Fake.
And then he hasn't embraced it
like he would...
Look, he's fondling...
No! He's doing that now.
So you believe that it's a lie?
I think it's a lie.
Yeah, I think it's a lie.
OK, I think we're unanimous.
Two lies.
It's a lie.
Chris Taylor...
What's that, Tommy?
He says it's true!
Yes!
Wow.
(APPLAUSE)
Gorgeous.
Wow.
And it is true,
Chris slept with his teddy bear
every single night until he was 40.
(LAUGHS)
It's time for a break. We'll see you
soon on Would I Lie To You?
(APPLAUSE, THEME MUSIC)
(APPLAUSE, THEME MUSIC)
Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?
And it's time for Quick Fire Lies.
Alright, Annie, you are up.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Uh..."I once had to admit my pet
cockatoo into psychiatric care."
(LAUGHTER)
Wow.
This cockatoo,
what's... what's its name?
Tombombadil.
Tom Bombadil?
He's got a Christian name
and a surname?
A surname. Yeah.
Uh, no, it's the one...
The one word. Tombombadil.
Tombombadil?
Yeah, you have to say it like that.
But you didn't say it like that.
When you first said it, no.
You have to say it like that!
You have to say it like that.
I, on the other hand,
can say Tom Bombadil.
Where does Tombombadil come from,
because it's a weird name?
Tombombadil, I think,
is a Tolkien character.
Did you name Tombombadil
Tombombadil?
Tombombadil was initially
for my grandfather.
He was in a dementia ward
at the time.
I'm not sure
if there's a link there.
But he named... He named him.
At what point
did Tombombadil's behaviour
start to be of concern?
Mmm. Great question.
(LAUGHTER)
And what's normal behaviour
for a cockatoo?
Even when they're completely...
themselves together mentally,
cockatoo are already like a bit...
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah.
CHRIS: Yeah.
And all of this business.
All this business...
So it's gone... (SCREECHES)
You know, so... it's fine.
(LAUGHS)
So it didn't last long
at the nursing home,
so he came to live with us
and he was my guy
and he would eat, you know,
the porridge off my spoon
and sort of chew the edges
of my homework.
And he would say,
"Tom's a good boy!"
And, um...
Oh. So his name was Tom.
No.
Well, Tombombadil is hard
for a bird's little tongue.
They've got a little,
like, stumpy tongue.
Like that.
It's too hard. Exactly like that.
And so it'd say, "Tom's a good boy."
Tom's a good boy!
Tombombadil's talking about himself
in the third person.
Well, he was a good boy.
He was a good boy?
Yeah.
Clearly that's because,
you know, people are going...
..saying to him...
He's not just coming up
with it himself.
He's just writing his own
report cards. "Tom's a good boy."
(LAUGHS)
"He's got excellent self-esteem."
He does.
(LAUGHS)
So it was all going well,
he was nibbling on your homework.
Yeah.
And he was, "Tom's a good boy."
Yeah.
And on there...
Can I con...
We can all see that, can't we?
Yeah.
A cockatoo...
Yeah.
How old were you?
I was probably 9 or 10
and so we bonded for a few years.
And then I... (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)
..I got my first boyfriend
and then things changed.
Tom is a sad boy.
Oh!
Tom got jealous, probably.
And he's like, "Tom's not
such a good boy after all.
"Tom's an angry fella."
(LAUGHS)
Tom started to change at this point,
did he?
Just... I noticed that
he, um, was getting bald patches
and he was pulling
his feathers out.
So that's a physical problem
and you'd send them
to a cockatoo dermatologist,
I believe, at that point.
But he didn't...
Or the Advanced Hair Studio
for cockatoos.
(LAUGHTER)
What's the process of diagnosing...
So, um, we take him to the vet
and they say,
"Oh, we've seen this before
"and it's, you know,
really tricky to treat.
"It's unlikely that he'll recover,
"but we've got this psychiatric
bird aviary out the back."
FRANK: Ohhh!
There's an aviary?
Yep.
Like a little padded cage
or something?
(LAUGHTER)
There's all these ex parrots
from pirates going, "Ugh! Ugh!"
But a little place,
a home for... for...
Troubled birds.
..for troubled birds.
Mentally challenged birds, yes.
'Cause it feels like all the birds
who are having problems
all get put in there together
and they probably just exacerbate
each other's problems,
wouldn't they?
I'm not meaning to make you feel bad
about abandoning Tom...
"Abandoning Tombombadil"
is a difficult thing to say.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, I can just see him alone
in a cage with other crazy parrots
going, "Tom's a good boy."
(LAUGHTER)
"Tom's a good boy." Or is he?
That's the saddest thing
I've ever heard of.
The saddest image just came to me.
I think you might have missed
the brief
about this being
light entertainment.
(LAUGHTER)
Jimmy, you're thinking it's...
Oh, I think there was
a lot of detail in there.
Yeah.
Which makes me think...
Yeah, I can see her sitting there...
(MAKES BIRD NOISES)
Yeah. Definitely.
I think it may just be cockabullshit.
Right.
OK.
Alright.
I... I feel that just the...
When she was in the zone
with Tombombadil,
I absolutely...
I found it so convincing
that that put me over the line.
So I'm gonna say
that I think it's true.
I can't wait to find out. Annie?
Is this true or a lie?
This is...
..true.
(APPLAUSE)
Wow.
CHRIS: Poor Tombombadil.
Tombombadil.
That was a complicated moment for me
'cause I was like, "Yeah! Ohhh."
(LAUGHTER)
(BUZZER)
Oh, and that noise signals
that time is up.
It's the end of the show.
And I can reveal that tonight's
winner is... Chris's team.
(APPLAUSE)
Yes! Yes! We did it.
But it's not just a team game,
of course.
My individual player of the night
is Annie Maynard!
(APPLAUSE)
And that's it for Would I Lie To You?
Thank you so much for watching
and goodnight.
Captions by Red Bee Media