Would I Lie to You? (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript
How hard can it be to spin a tall tale? We'll find out when our team captains ask their guests Charlie Pickering, Michala Banas, Cal Wilson and Carl Cox to share the wildest of stories.
(THEME MUSIC)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Hello and welcome to
Would I Lie To You?,
the show that separates
the bald facts from the balderdash.
I'm Chrissie Swan
and joining me are two teams
who will take turns reading stories.
It's up to the opposing team
to determine whether
the story is true or a lie.
The team with the most
correct guesses wins.
Captaining our first team tonight
is a comedian and writer
who once wrote a play about
the death of Julius Caesar
and he made a pretty good stab
of it too.
It's Chris Taylor.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Chris's first teammate
is one of the most famous DJs
in the world.
We're so thrilled he's here.
He's played two New Year's Eve sets
on the same night
in two different countries,
it is DJ and time traveller,
Carl Cox.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
And Chris's other teammate is a
comedian originally from New Zealand
but, just like Phar Lap,
we've claimed her as our own,
meaning when she dies,
we're gonna stuff her and stick her
in the Melbourne Museum.
Please welcome Cal Wilson.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Chris's opposing captain tonight
is a man who is not only
a master of slapstick comedy,
he's a familiar face
at his local hospital.
It's Frank Woodley.
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Joining Frank is a comedian
whose father was a pharmacist,
which might explain why, as a child,
he only ever saw his dad
three times a day with meals.
It's Charlie Pickering.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Thank you.
Frank's other team member is an actor
who played Kate Manfredi
in 119 episodes of
'McCleod's Daughters'.
Such a pity. If she'd only made it to
120, she would have got a free horse.
It's Michala Banas.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Alright, let's play.
First up is Home Truths,
where our panellists
each read out a statement
from the card in front of them.
The card will contain either a truth
from the panellist's life
or a lie we made up
and slipped in there.
They won't know
until they read it aloud.
It's up to the opposing team to sort
the facts from the fabrications.
Frank, are you feeling brave?
Why don't you start us off?
Oh, my goodness.
"Oh, my goodness."
I once heckled a...priest.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, please be true. Please be true.
CHRIS: Uh... (LAUGHS) ..was...
(LAUGHS)
Was the priest doing stand-up
at the time?
The priest was actually, uh,
delivering a little speech
in a wedding.
It's actually not
something I'm proud of -
what the heckle was.
It was actually...
Because it wasn't...
I don't know if other people
have had this experience
but when you've had a few drinks,
you become quite...
Uh, your censoring mechanism
doesn't work quite as well
and I just went, "Wrap it up."
(LAUGHTER)
"Wrap it up"?
Yeah.
Oh, my stars! (CACKLES)
What was the response to the heckle?
Was everyone like,
"Yeah, God, put a sock in it"?
Or were they all like, "Frank!"?
No, actually, because of what
the priest had been saying,
there was a general consensus of,
"Yeah, yeah, that's a good idea."
What had the priest been saying?
It was really bizarre.
What was the priest's name first?
Father Fenson.
(CACKLES)
Father Fenson?
Fenson.
Father Fenson, yeah.
As in like Fencin'?
He's fencin'.
Well, you can mock his name too.
But that's really rude I feel.
Like, um, yeah, it's Brian Fenson.
Father Brian Fenson from Ballarat.
And...
(LAUGHTER)
It's just a name. Relax.
So do you...
Sorry, so I'm not Catholic.
So do you...
When you father someone...
Is it... It's not like...
Like Father Bob.
Shouldn't we be calling him
Father last name?
I just wanna be clear
that in the Catholic Church,
when you father someone...
(LAUGHTER)
No, no, you-you do
normally just say, um...
Ah, you just say Father Brian.
So... But you called him
Father Fenson.
No, you said what was his name?
I said, "His name was Fenson."
But wouldn't...
No, you did say Father Fenson.
You did say Father Fenson.
So if I said...
If I was talking about you,
I wouldn't go, "Woodley."
I'd go, "This is Frank."
I wouldn't go, "Woodley."
No, but you might call me Mr Woodley
and show me some more respect.
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Was he quite short? Was he tall?
Was he, like, the same height
as yourself, you know?
He was...he was quite small
from a distance.
(PANELLISTS CACKLE)
Where are you going with that?
Like, would you not...
Would you not heckle
a tall priest, do you think?
He's quite tall, you see.
You know, at the end of the day...
So it would be inappropriate
to heckle a small priest,
whereas it's completely normal
at a wedding
to heckle anyone taller
than the heckler.
(LAUGHTER)
Do you know what he was talking...
You know what he was talking about?
What was Father Fenson
talking about?
The percentages of divorce
in the community.
(GASPS)
Oh, wrap it up, Father Fenson!
(LAUGHTER)
Good on you. Shut that shit down.
Yeah.
You've almost called him out
for being unromantic.
Not just unromantic
but, like, bitterly cynical
at the worst possible moment.
He was basically...
I think he had some kind of bugbear
about how many relationships
break up.
He was focusing on
all of the negative.
Yeah, but that's classic Fenson.
And what would Fenson know?
I'm guessing Father Fenson
has never been married.
I think that's one of the rules.
I think you're right.
I think it is.
The story checks out on that one.
Yeah. (LAUGHS)
That is true.
Even though he fathered
many...people...
(LAUGHTER)
..over that time.
Well, what are we thinking? Um...
Oh, it's Frank Woodley.
It's so hard to tell.
Yeah, I... I'm not sure
I'm buying it.
He's definitely
very...very convincing
in his way of describing everything
and I...
I like the...
I like to see the idea of him
heckling a priest.
That's brilliant. Um...
I guess we're not being asked,
"Do we like the idea of it?"
as "Do you think it happened?"
Get in touch with your intuition,
Carl. Trust your intuition.
Truth or lie, do you think, though?
Yeah, I know, I know.
Erm, yeah, I think it's true.
I think it's... I think it's true.
Oop.
I think it's true.
You're outnumbered. Are you going
with your team or are you...
I'll go with my team.
We'll say true.
Well...
Is it true, Frank Woodley?
On this occasion, it is a lie.
(CHIMING)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
No-one heckles a priest.
What a cheeky squirrel,
Frank Woodley.
It is a lie.
Frank did not heckle a priest.
But he did once dak a nun.
(LAUGHTER)
Next up is Chris.
Once during a day at the beach,
a seaplane landed on top of me.
(LAUGHTER)
Lie. Um...
Yeah. It's a very quick round,
isn't it?
You've never been to the beach
a day in your life.
I think you can just tell us
about... We can see...
You were at the beach.
I was at the beach, yeah.
And were you sunbaking
or were you swimming
or what were you doing at the beach?
At what point in the day?
No, like, at the point...
Well, let's go for the point
where the seaplane landed on you.
'Cause I'd love to tell you
the journey.
The to the beach was quite eventful.
Not as eventful as...
Let's focus mainly on the seaplane.
Um... I was in the water
at the time.
Oh.
Interesting. Which beach was it?
I don't know if you know Sydney.
It was Pittwater.
OK.
Did you sustain any injuries
from this incident?
No.
A seaplane landed on you
and you have zero injuries?
Were you disguised as a buoy?
I was a boy.
(LAUGHTER)
Were you a boy
who was disguised as a buoy?
No, I was, um...
No, I was just, um...
I think I was on a surfboard.
Oh, OK. So seaplanes are the planes
that have the big kind of buoyant...
Skis that they land on.
..skis on the bottom.
They land on the water.
Is that right?
I think so. Yeah, they...
You think so? One landed on you.
No, I think that those...
They've got the big floats.
They're planes with twin hulls.
Right, and when you say
it landed on you,
where you hit,
struck by one of those hulls?
No, amazingly, I wasn't hit at all.
You were between the hulls.
It was almost
an act of genius piloting.
Whoever the pilot
was of the seaplane,
uh, registered
where I was in the water
and managed to land the seaplane
and didn't...
..was neither a metre
too far either side,
so I actually bisected
and went through the two twin hulls
and he completely missed me.
Wow. That's... That's unbelievable.
(LAUGHTER)
It... It...
You say that. Um... (LAUGHS)
What happened directly afterwards?
Um...
No, but it had sort of gone over me
and it, you know,
it had quite a bit of momentum,
so it was miles away from me
by the time I'd kind of digested
the whole thing that had happened.
I was in shock, I think.
I would have thought that
where you land a seaplane,
like, surely they knew...
Not to land there.
..to not land...
Not land where the swimmers are?
Yeah, that's my point.
Yeah. Um...
(LAUGHS)
You would think that.
Like actual planes, there's
only certain landing strips
where they're allowed to land
and I think it has to do
with depth or something.
If they go too far away
from the designated landing strip,
they get into trouble.
You're saying this with authority.
It is a thought
you've never entertained
until that question was asked.
You just then were like Wikipedia.
No.
(LAUGHS)
I think we did inquire afterwards
about why it had to land...
Oh, who to? Who did you inquire to?
Well, to the...
No, the plane... Sorry.
The plane was miles away
by the time you had digested
what had happened.
To quote you back to yourself.
Yes.
This is getting aggressive now.
Yeah, just relax.
It's just a game, Charlie.
I'm being lied to here.
I'm being lied to.
Frank and team, what is your verdict?
No, no, no, no, no.
What inquiries were made
and where were they made?
Once I'd gone back to shore,
we went to the office
of the seaplane and just sort of...
Made sure everything was...
Oh. And where was that?
Like when you have an accident,
you exchange rego details.
Of course.
There was a little bit of that.
And we all agreed
they could actually improve
their safety measures.
If there's anyone from CASA,
or the safety aviation place,
watching tonight...
You've really taken your time
getting the message out there,
I will say.
You've gone, "Do you know what?
It was 30 years.
"But tonight's the night."
Well, I haven't had a platform
until tonight.
I think...
Alright, what do you think?
I think it's rubbish.
(LAUGHTER)
No.
Unanimous?
He did an incredibly good job
but what do you think, Michala?
I don't know.
I feel like it could be true.
CHRISSIE: Really?
There's something in me that goes
"It's true" and I don't know why.
I do want...
I didn't mean to get that aggressive.
I just felt it crossed the line
from being fun
into something almost personal.
It was so insultingly far-fetched.
Can I just say, I've been
more afraid of Charlie tonight
than I was of this fucking seaplane.
(LAUGHTER)
What's the verdict?
We're gonna say that it's...
it's a lie.
It's a lie.
Chris, is that a truth or a lie?
That one is true.
(CHIMING)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
I'm so sorry.
Why don't you listen to Poirot?
I'm sorry.
A woman's instinct.
Trust a woman's instinct.
I think we can turn my mic off
for the rest of the show.
That's why this game
is truly amazing.
Yeah.
Because, really,
that just blows my mind.
Alright, it's time
for a break but, first,
it is absolutely true that
one of our six panellists
once bought a decommissioned
parking meter from his local council.
Who do you think it is?
I'll have the answer next
on Would I Lie To You?
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(THEME MUSIC)
Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?
And before the break,
I asked which one of our panel
once bought
a decommissioned parking meter,
and it was of course
Charlie Pickering.
Of course. Of course.
Of course.
Apparently Charlie and his wife
use it for their regular
Saturday night
getting out of
a parking fine role-play.
(LAUGHTER)
No, we...
Do you know what, now that
you mention it, that's pretty good.
Alright, Michala. You are up next.
OK. Oooh.
When I was single, I used to pretend
I was a marine gynaecologist.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHS)
So...so... A marine gynaecologist.
Yes.
So on underwater mammals or you're
just in the room under water?
Like, are you...
Like, is it just a normal woman...
A normal gynaecologist who operates
on women under water.
(LAUGHS)
Or specialises on people
who are in the marines.
Oh, wow.
(GASPS)
There's a few different options.
Is there a question?
Yes.
In the world of your lie,
where you pretended to be
a marine gynaecologist,
what was the job description?
That I, uh, was a...a gynaecologist
for sea life.
How much... How many sea life
have vaginas?
Interesting you should ask that.
You do know... You know that Michala
was just saying that was her job.
She wasn't a real
marine gynaecologist.
But I wanna know how much
she drilled down on her lie.
When you're lying about a job
or lying about something, it's
always good to be very specific
and so I specified in seahorses.
Right.
Can I just ask a question, though?
Yes.
Seahorse marine gynaecologist.
Mm-hm.
Within the seahorse couple...
Mm.
..who carries the child?
Well, that's a very interesting
question, Charlie,
because seahorses can change gender.
Does that mean when you're working
on a specific seahorse,
at some point, you have to go,
"Oh, it's changing.
It's not my territory anymore"?
So, so...
Walk away. Yeah.
That's why normally
a marine gynaecologist
will work with a marine urologist
as well in tandem.
Do you get a degree?
Do you go to college?
She wasn't actually
a marine gynaecologist.
I'm really interested. (LAUGHS)
Carl wants to take it up now.
So what I find fascinating, though,
is if you are a marine gynaecologist
and you specialised in seahorses,
it is in fact the male seahorses
that carry the babies.
There you go.
You see? Everybody knows that.
So when did this...
When did this lie come in handy?
So it came about because...
When you say that
you're an actor to people,
inevitably, they want you to
prove it by listing your credits.
Whereas when you say
you're a marine gynaecologist,
there's no follow-up questions
at all.
Well, my friends and I did it as
a bit of a challenge just 'cause...
One of them was a dinosaur dentist.
When you told people,
"I'm a marine gynaecologist,"
did anybody say,
"That's not a thing"?
Never. Never.
No-one?
Apparently they were far less
sceptical than this bunch.
Never.
My goldfish needs a Pap smear.
Finally I've met someone.
Like...
(LAUGHTER)
Did you ever come across anything
kind of like that you wasn't
expecting down there?
Again, again, she's not actually
a marine gynaecologist.
She wasn't waiting for whales
to beach themselves.
"Finally, my chance." No.
I reckon it's gonna be really easy
to lie to Carl.
(CACKLING)
Let's... Let's just rewind.
I'm just curious.
Which part of the story
do you follow?
Also... It's not real, Carl.
Do the starfish
and the...and the seahorse,
do they...do they mate?
'Cause you're down there.
And...and people say ecstasy
leaves no impact on the brain.
(LAUGHTER)
Did you actually ever google 'marine
gynaecology'? Is it a real thing?
Trust me, it's not a thing. It's not.
Do you know, right now,
there is someone sitting at home
watching this going,
"We need Marine Gynaecologist
Visibility Day."
(LAUGHTER)
"Chrissie Swan says
we don't even exist!"
But where's my camera? I see you.
(LAUGHS) Fantastic.
Alright, Chris's team.
Thank you.
Time's up. We need a verdict.
Is that the truth or is it a lie?
We're sort of being asked to rule
on whether a lie was a lie or not.
Yes. Yes. Absolutely.
And I believe Michala could lie,
so I'm leaning towards true.
I don't feel we should
listen to Carl.
Right. Actually, yeah.
Oh.
We just...
CAL: So...so...my thing is,
I also understand the attraction
of lying to someone
that's annoying you at a bar.
So I'm gonna say yes,
you did used to say that.
I'm actually thinking lie,
you're thinking truth.
I'm thinking truth.
Do we dare...
Do we dare go to Carl?
We must. They're the rules.
Should we go to Carl? We do.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
No pressure. No pressure whatsoever.
I think it's fantastic that someone
can actually have such a job or not.
Or not.
Or not.
I think Marine Gynaecology
Visibility Day
just got their first ambassador.
(LAUGHTER)
This is taking off.
Carl Cox, is it true?
It just sounds so far-fetched.
At the end of the day, it's been
hilarious. I reckon it's a lie.
A lie?
Yeah. 100%.
So you've got a lie and a truth.
So lie, lie, truth.
I think we'll have to say lie.
We're going with lie. Michala Banas,
is it a truth or a lie?
That story is in fact...true.
(CHIMING)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
It is true.
CARL: I'm shocked.
Clearly, for...out of all of us,
Carl's mind is blown the most.
I am shocked.
And I'm gonna find out
more about it later.
Oh, we'll talk. We'll talk.
(CACKLES)
Very good.
I really wish we could turn back time
and have Carl hitting on you
at that time.
(LAUGHTER)
Don't go anywhere.
We'll be back with more
Would I Lie To You? after the break.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(THEME MUSIC)
(THEME MUSIC)
Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?
Our next round is called
This Is My...,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
This week, each of Frank's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest.
It's then up to Chris's team
to spot who's telling the truth.
So, please put your hands together
for this week's special guest.
It's Ange.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Now, Ange doesn't hate everyone.
She's been told that
she's not allowed to smile.
(CHUCKLING)
Alright, Charlie, you first.
What is Ange or who is Ange to you?
Uh, this is Ange
and Ange saved me
from having a meltdown
at a children's farm
when the goats
were being too goat-y.
(LAUGHTER)
They do have a way of being goat-y.
Alright, Michala, who is Ange to you?
Well, this is Ange
and, together,
we stole an 83kg wheel of cheese
from a charity event.
(LAUGHTER)
Frank, who's Ange to you?
Well, this is Ange
and she's actually
the waitress at my local cafe
and she just ignores me completely
and the only way
that I can get her attention
was to bring her onto this show.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
I believe all of them.
It's going to be so difficult.
There we have it -
Charlie's farmyard friend,
Michala's cheese thief accomplice
or Frank's
cold-shouldering cafe worker.
Chris's team, it's up to you.
Hmm...
OK, my first question is, Charlie,
if this is your goat rescuer,
was this as a child or an adult
that Ange rescued you from...
How old do you think Ange is?
(LAUGHTER)
No, but was she a child
rescuing another child
or she's an adult Ange
rescuing an adult Charlie Pickering
who's lost his mind over a goat?
That's a very good question, Cal...
and the...
(LAUGHTER)
And the answer to that very good
question is this was recently.
What was the goat doing?
It was just fully goating at me.
CHRIS: So... (STAMMERS)
Goats are allowed to be goat-y.
You might even say
it's the main attribute of a goat,
that they tend to be
a bit on the goat-y side.
So, how goat-y was this goat?
Yeah, but there's goats
and there's goats, isn't there?
Yeah.
This goat was the GOAT.
(LAUGHTER)
What did Ange do to rescue you
from the too-goat-y goat?
Well, Ange works at
the children's farm
and I was genuinely feeling
a bit threatened by this goat
who had me sort of up against
a fence and she managed to...
(AUDIENCE MEMBER LAUGHS)
What?
(LAUGHTER)
You're a good-looking guy.
You're a good-looking guy.
I mean...
I think what we're all...
Sort of the question
we're all asking,
was the 'up against the fence' issue
a two-horn issue
or a single-horn issue?
(LAUGHTER)
Uh, it was a two-horn issue.
You're pinned against a fence...
Yeah.
..by a goat with two horns.
And can I say, I don't know
if you've noticed this about goats,
but...disproportionately large,
you know, ball bag.
(LAUGHTER)
So big that you noticed it
from the front.
Yeah.
Of all the scrota
in the animal kingdom,
I think it's probably the ugliest.
There. I've said it.
Was it only the scrotum that...?
(LAUGHTER)
That's... Yeah.
It's the second-ugliest scrotum.
(LAUGHS)
(APPLAUSE)
Congratulations.
On that note,
let's move on to Michala.
Thank God!
(FRANK AND MICHALA LAUGH)
How do you know Ange?
Ange and I together
stole an 83kg wheel of cheese
from a charity event.
How big is 83kg of cheese?
It's big.
(LAUGHS)
It's a canape for Matt Preston.
(LAUGHTER)
It's pretty big.
It's pretty big, yeah.
Can you, like, give us a, like...?
I-I reckon like that,
but quite thick as well.
It's a thick sort of...
Did you kind of...
Did you think about cutting it down
and kinda take it out in pieces
or did you just kinda
just roll it out, sort of?
(LAUGHS)
He makes a good point, you see.
And, so, we utilised
its natural shape...
(LAUGHS)
..and we rolled it out.
I assume that the cheese wasn't there
to tempt you and Ange
to break the law.
Was it there to be eaten?
No, it was a display wheel.
So, you stole it
but you never ate it?
Oh, no, we ate it.
(LAUGHTER)
(STAMMERS) So...so, how...
Not all of it.
We actually, um, were living
together at the time as well
and so if you came to our house
in the weeks after...
Or, indeed, the following decades.
(LAUGHTER)
Frank, remind us again
how you know Ange.
Ange is the waitress
at my local cafe
and she just ignores me completely,
and so inviting her
onto this program
was the only way
that I could get her attention.
And she's showing off
her skills tonight.
Yeah. Exhibit A. That's basically...
I have no idea
what her face looks like.
Although I shouldn't... That was a
bit harsh because it was my fault.
I've got her, really, here
to apologise to her.
What did you do?
Well, because it's a local cafe
just near my place called the Boho
and there was another waitress there
who I actually...
I would say that
I befriended quite...
Her name was Lisa,
and what happened,
I was in there one day
and there was another customer
there who was quite, um...
Look, some sort of drug-addled thing
was going on, I think.
And at one point,
she just went, um, you know,
"Any time you're ready,
you slowpoke trollop,"
to Lisa, right?
And then when that person left,
Lisa came over and asked me
if I wanted another coffee,
and I just paused for a moment
thinking,
and then she went, "Any time
you're ready, you slowpoke trollop,"
like that to me,
and then that became mine
and Lisa's little thing.
So, then,
when I would go into the cafe,
if she was working there,
I'd just pick my moment.
At least once a time,
there'd be a "Any time you're ready,
you slowpoke trollop."
And, you know, it was
a nice little joke, a running joke.
CHRISSIE: Yeah.
I didn't know Lisa had left.
Ange, first...
MICHALA: You did it to this one!
..first day on the job,
similar haircut, similar build,
I think you can see what happened.
Let's get an answer.
Chris's team,
is Ange Charlie's farmyard friend,
Michala's cheese thief
or Frank's
cold-shouldering cafe worker?
I kind of like the cheese story.
I think we can eliminate Frank.
Are you happy to eliminate Frank?
You see, I feel like
we're gonna say it's cheese
and then Frank will be, like,
"It's totes my...
"It's totes my slowpoke trollop."
If it is Frank's, we're in for
an amazing television moment
or an incredibly awkward moment.
It could really go either way,
so I'm kind of hoping it's Frank's.
I think it might be Charlie.
I don't think it's Charlie.
I do love the idea of
Michala and Ange.
I think their body weight combined
not being as much as
the cheese itself...
It sounds like there's two cheeses
there, Chris.
Yeah, they do look like
they could be friends.
They're kind of the same age.
Yeah, I think so.
So, even though
my heart is saying goat...
(LAUGHTER)
..I'm gonna go with my team
who haven't...
Well, they've mostly
let me down, but...
(LAUGHTER)
And we're gonna say Michala.
(LAUGHS) OK.
Ange, would you like to reveal
your true identity? I can't wait!
My name's Ange
and Michala and I
stole an 83kg wheel of cheese.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
I love it! It's true.
Ange and Michala did steal
that wheel of brie.
Thank you so much
for coming in, Ange.
(APPLAUSE)
Gosh, I love that bit of the show.
I love it, love it, love it.
We'll be back with more
Would I Lie To You? after the break.
(THEME MUSIC)
(THEME MUSIC)
You are watching Would I Lie To You?
where fact and fiction
go head to head.
Time for our next round, Possession,
in which a mystery object may or may
not belong to one of our panellists.
It's up to the opposing team
to work out
whether the story is
a truth or a lie.
Alright, Charlie, it's your turn.
If you could reach
under your desk, please.
Oh, my goodness.
MICHALA: Ooh!
Put it on the desk
and then read the card.
This is the cricket bag
responsible for one of
my many high-school detentions.
CHRIS: Right.
Where do you wanna start, Chris?
Um, what about this bag
caused you to get a detention?
Um, well...
..I...
Take your time,
you slowpoke trollop!
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
So...
Gave him a bit of thinking time
there. That was good.
(LAUGHS)
This was my new cricket bag, right,
and I took it to school
on the first day
and before school started,
I thought, "I could fit in that."
This was high school.
How old would you have been?
This was Year 10.
Year 10 and you could fit in that?
I would have been 16, yeah.
And I got into it
and...and then this...
The...the way I got in trouble was
I got my friends to zip it up
and I said, "Carry me to roll call.
I'll answer from in the bag."
Yes, yes!
(LAUGHTER)
I like it.
And so, they put it on a desk
at the front of the classroom,
teacher does the roll,
gets to Pickering
and I call out, "Here,"
and the teacher...
(LAUGHS)
Well, the teacher, I presume,
was looking. I couldn't see.
I was in a bag.
(LAUGHTER)
"Pickering." "Here." Looking.
"Pickering." "Here." Looking.
And then I managed to unzip myself
and popped out and said...
It was like...
It was like popping out of a cake.
Like I was a stripper
popping out of a cake.
Popping out, "Here I am."
(LAUGHTER)
Like, emerged 'Birth of Venus' style
from the bag.
Oh, naked? Naked?
Yeah, yeah, completely naked.
In your imagination, it's gone from
stripper to 'Birth of Venus'.
Yeah.
It's had an elevation.
Yeah, no, well, period three
was Renaissance history, so...
(LAUGHTER)
And just with a little cricket box
covering the...
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
And so emerged triumphant
and Mr Henzell,
like...like, in just a split second,
said, "You, detention now."
And that was it.
Are we gonna do
the whole OJ glove moment
and see if he can get into the bag?
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
CHRIS: We need to know
if he can fit in there.
We can do it around here
if you want.
Keep in mind it's, what...
How long ago was it?
It was Year...
25 years ago.
I don't think any of us
are the same size.
Alright, so...
Alright, get in the bag.
OK, so far, so good.
It's sort of like reverse Christmas,
isn't it? Like...
Oh, I don't know...
MICHALA: Oh, can I be the teacher?
Hang on a minute!
That's not gonna zip up.
That is...
Oh, he's not a teenager anymore.
He's got a fat back.
(LAUGHTER)
CHARLIE: That's very hurtful.
That's awfully close.
FRANK: Oh! Don't rip it.
Oh, my God, are you OK?
No, it's alright.
It's alright.
You know what? I really
feel like the difference...
If you could see what I can see,
the difference is
the difference between
a teenager and a grown man, really.
It's incredibly close.
Michala, could you
come around here for a sec?
That absolutely would have
zipped up.
I'll do roll call, so, um,
oh, g'day, class.
I'm just gonna
check everyone off the list.
Chrissie Swan.
Here.
Carl Cox.
(LAUGHS)
(LAUGHTER)
She's doing a roll call.
You say, "Here."
Are you present or not?
Charlie Pickering.
Here, sir.
(LAUGHS) I love it!
Charlie Pickering?
Here, sir.
(LAUGHS)
Charlie Pickering?
I'm here, sir.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Oh, I love that!
Fantastic!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Gorgeous, Charlie. Alright,
Chris's team, this is the hardest.
I just think it's a shame
Charlie never presented
'The Project' like that.
(LAUGHTER)
Tonight on Who's In The Bag?
(LAUGHTER)
Look, it feels in character.
I can also believe he played cricket
and had cricket equipment
and he's shown
even all these years on
he can more or less still
fit in the bag, so I think...
What do you think, Carl?
He was very confident
on getting in the bag.
I know for a fact
I couldn't do that. (LAUGHS)
It would be so Pickering for it
to be a lie.
It really would!
I've never seen that bag before
in my life.
Carl and I are convinced.
OK.
Amazing scepticism
in the face of him
actually showing us he can do it.
We're gonna say true.
Charlie Pickering,
is that a true story?
It is...
..true.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Yes.
I'm so relieved about that.
It is true, of course.
It'd be sociopathic
if that turned out to not be true.
Yes.
So, it's less sociopathic
that you actually did it all.
Yes, that is true.
That is, in fact,
Charlie's cricket bag,
and every now and then,
he still enjoys climbing inside,
as we just saw, snuggling up
to his bat and holding his balls.
(LAUGHTER)
It's time for a break. We'll see you
soon on Would I Lie To You?
(THEME MUSIC)
Can you pick the truth
from the lies?
on 10play on demand.
(THEME MUSIC)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?
Now it is time to ramp up the pace
and play Quick Fire Lies.
Just a reminder,
the story on the card
could be completely familiar
to our panellists
or something
they've never seen before.
Chris, you can start us off
and show us how it's done.
As a child, I decided that I could
never be friends with anyone
whose name starts
with the letter 'D',
and I've continued this habit
into adulthood.
(LAUGHTER)
So no Barrys, no anybody?
No 'D'.
(LAUGHTER)
Barry's fine.
Barry's...Barry's a joy.
When I.... When I meet someone
called Barry, it's a huge relief.
If Barry was called Darry,
we'd have a problem.
The loud music has affected...
When...when did this start?
(LAUGHS)
More importantly...why?
(LAUGHS)
On what 'bay' did this start?
I'd say primary school.
That's pretty vague.
That's very vague.
That's like 5 to 12, bro.
Very vague.
I think you must know
more specifically
'cause it has to...like,
there has to be someone.
There was, there was a Darren.
Yeah, there was a Darren.
It was... He bullied me.
Darren was a... Darren was a shit.
So in the sandpit
at primary school,
he just made
my primary school life hell
to the point that Darren
and his name became problematic.
Why not just Darrens?
Why anyone with a 'D'?
Th-the reason was at primary school,
you're often categorised
or asked to queue up alphabetically.
So those around Darren,
who also had 'D' Christian names,
started to be infected
by his poisonous bullying.
So, Darren...
What a bunch of d-heads.
Yeah, so Darren, David and Derryn,
they all started forming
this 'D' gang,
and so it sort of was
logical in my head
that anyone with the letter 'D'
at the start of their name
was an enemy of mine.
Why did you carry this on
into your adulthood?
Why didn't you just go,
"Well, that was a silly kid thing"?
I guess we become
creatures of habit,
sort of once you start something,
you just keep doing it.
Do you feel, though, that there's
been anybody who you've really...
..you know in your conscious mind
that you've missed out
on a beautiful friendship
because they're a good person
but the 'D' in their name
just gets in the way?
I assume David Attenborough
is lovely.
I...I...
I think that's a safe assumption.
I've heard his shows are quite good.
You've never watched
a David Attenborough...
You... How can...
How's that possible?
You've never watched
a David Attenborough show?
No 'D'... No 'D's in my household.
Oh, I dunno.
Did you watch 'Baywatch'
starring David Hasselhoff?
With a lot of double-D girls.
So, what about in terms of
the romantic side of things?
Has there ever been,
like, a, you know, a...a girl...
No, i-it has affected me,
if I was being honest.
Like, there was this gorgeous
lovely girl, Danica, um, who...
(LAUGHTER)
Nuh. Nuh, nuh.
Who was...
No, there was not.
There was not!
..who was otherwise perfect.
Like, you could not fault her,
she was absolutely angelic.
Had her name not begun with 'D',
we'd probably be married.
Yeah, I think she'd have
some say in the matter.
Alright, guys.
You know, people do have these kind
of mental quirks and issues.
So what are you thinking, Michala?
No, they absolutely do.
But I think this is A-grade baloney.
To suggest that this is...part of
a sincere mental health issue,
and choose this as the forum
to talk about it,
I mean, I don't think
you are that bad a person.
So I will say that is a lie.
OK.
So I think we're unanimous.
We're gonna say that it's a lie.
Chris, is it the truth
or is it a lie?
(SIGHS) Charlie has been
so sceptical all day,
and it's been insulting, frankly.
Um, 'cause I'm here to tell you
it is actually...
..a lie -
of course it's a lie, lie, lie.
(APPLAUSE)
Of course.
Of course it was a lie.
How do you spin that one?
I'm just sad because we could've had
Daryl Somers on the show after all.
(LAUGHTER)
Alright, Cal Wilson, it's your turn.
Oh! Ooh.
(CLEARS THROAT)
A routine trip to the vet...
I thought you said...
I thought you said "a rooting".
(LAUGHTER)
MICHALA: Oh, my God, so did I.
Hang on, what are we doing?
We're giving her time to think.
A routine trip to the vet
resulted in hair growing
on the back of my hand.
(LAUGHTER)
CHRISSIE: What?
So to get us off and running,
I'd like to know what the routine
trip to the vet was.
I was taking my cat to the vet,
and he was ver...
he was a very anxious cat.
And the vet was clipping his claws,
and the cat bit me.
Turning you into a cat.
Yeah.
That night...
Like Spider-Man.
Was it a radioactive cat?
What am I missing?
Right.
Yes, yes, I-I am a werewolf.
Naturally, I wanna talk about
the hair and how much...
Like, how much hair
are we talking here?
So, like, if there was
a close-up of my hand,
you would go,
"Oh, that man has a tiny hand."
Yeah, right.
So, like dark hair...
Dark hair, dark hair,
dark thick hair.
Can I ask, how did it go from
a scratch to sprouting hair?
Well, so what happened was
the cat bit me
but it bit me really deeply
through my hand.
It turned into an abscess,
so I had an abscess
and I had to have surgery.
And as it was getting better,
I just had hair on my...
I just grew hair on my hand.
Cat hair or human hair?
My hair!
Human hair.
My-my thing is it's like
your body going...
..just trying to throw
every healing thing at it,
and it's gone, "Oh, I don't know -
hair!" Like...
I've never heard about
the hair from the...
Did you do something to remove
the hair or did it just fall out?
It just eventually fell out,
but the weird thing about it was
I found myself
unconsciously stroking it.
Um, and I didn't realise I was doing
it until a waitress was watching me
and I realised I must look like
a really budget Bond villain.
Just like...
You just need a spinning chair.
You just need to turn around
on the chair.
I come with my own cat.
CHRIS: Yeah.
How long...how long ago?
Rowr! No! Not now, not now.
Soon. Soon.
Can I see your hand and see...
Is there a scar?
So those are my fingers. That thumb
does that, and that thumb does that.
Can I come have a look?
Anyone can do that.
"Mine does this, and this one won't
move at all!" I mean, that's...
Why isn't this used...
Why aren't there bald men
just scratching their...
getting cats to bite their heads?
Carl's wondering, "Tell me more!"
Frank's team, we're gonna
need an answer. Truth or lie?
OK, well,
what do you think, Michala?
I don't know why
but I think it's true.
There's a lot of detail
in that story.
But, no, I think it's true.
You're thinking true.
I don't believe it.
Not for a moment, in your voice.
I think it's a lie.
But it's so weird!
And she can say it's true
and the screen can turn green,
I'm still not gonna believe it.
For some reason,
my gut's saying true.
So we're gonna go with true.
We're going with true.
Cal Wilson, is that true
or is it a lie?
It...
..is true.
(CHIMING)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Wow.
What?
Charlie's like...Charlie's like nuh.
I-I'm glad to get the points.
I still...I still
don't believe you.
Time for a break. We'll see you soon
on Would I Lie To You?
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(THEME MUSIC)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(THEME MUSIC)
Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?
And we're in the middle of the round
we call Quick Fire Lies.
Frank, it is your turn.
OK.
Ah, I-I almost burned off my bits.
No, there's more.
I almost burned off my bits
while naked in the kitchen.
When you say 'bits'...
'Bits'.
Yeah?
Which bits?
Um, the bits involved in...
What is it? Um...
Procreating?
Procreation.
The bits involved in procreation.
Been a long time, hasn't it, Frank?
Yeah, been a while.
Yeah.
When was the burning of the bits
taking place?
Um, look, it must've been about,
ah, 20 years ago, I think.
Um, and, ah, yeah, I was in the...
I was in the kitchen
and, um, there was...
there was an incident
that I was very fortunate.
You could describe it
as a horrific incident.
But it could've been a lot worse.
This is just giving me the giggles.
I don't know whether
it's true or not.
So...so are you normally naked
in the kitchen?
Um... No, not... No, I wouldn't say
I'm normally naked in the kitchen.
But, um, basically,
I was, um, going to give myself
a full-body massage... (LAUGHS)
CHRISSIE: I'm sorry, what?
I was gonna give myself
a full-body massage,
and that was...that was upcoming.
"Oh, God, I've gotta prepare dinner,
"so while I'm cooking, oh, I almost
might also give myself a massage..."
At no point did I say
I was preparing dinner.
You were in a kitchen.
Yes, but I wasn't preparing dinner.
I was preparing the oils. (LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS) I was...I was
preparing the oils.
Sunflower oil? Vegetable oil?
Which oil do you use from the
kitchen when you have a massage?
Sesame oil, and, um...
MICHALA: There are
so many visual things...
I know!
..coming into my mind.
Because there's an actu...
there's a thing y-you can do
that's kind of a massage,
but it's a traditional...
Marinade.
It's like a...sort of similar to
a Chinese, um, medicine treatment,
but it's actually
the Indian version of that.
It's called Ayu...called Ayurvedic,
Ayurvedic medicine.
And, um, I had, like, a really
bad back for a long time,
and I'd been, um...
The only thing for that is
boiling hot oil on your penis?
Yeah... (LAUGHS) Yeah.
And it helped!
No, d... Actually,
this is the weird thing.
You would think that you would
massage your back.
Wouldn't you?
The bit that has the complaint.
But the Ayurvedic doctor said,
"I want you to massage sesame oil
into your entire body."
And does it...
And the oil needed to be warm?
The oil actually needed to be cured,
and that involved pouring it
into a saucepan
and bringing it to the boil, then
you left it until it cooled down.
And then you could use it
for your daily massage
to make your back feel better.
What I don't understand is
it seems quite an elaborate process
that you might want
some assistance with.
Why didn't you ask someone to help
with the massage
rather than do it yourself?
Um, I reckon if it
happens again, I will.
Like, how do you... Can you
demonstrate how you even attempt...
How do you even begin to give
a sesame oil massage to yourself?
Look, it's not that complicated.
Problem area is the back,
the hardest place to reach.
Check this out.
CHRISSIE: He's pretty flexible.
It's gonna blow your...
It's gonna blow your mind.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Pwhhh!
CAL: So...so what...
There's that - that's not a massage,
that's just rubbing
your back briefly.
That's what a massage is!
Have...have you ever been to
a masseur and asked for...
What, you've just gone,
"That...that wasn't a...
"That wasn't a massage!
"You just rubbed my body
and squeezed my muscles!
"I want my money back!"
How did your bits get burnt?
So, it's...it's boiled in the...
The oil has...has cured.
Sizzle, sizzle, sizzle.
Sizzle, right?
And, um, I was intending it...to
keep it in these glass yoghurt jars.
Yeah.
Storage.
So I picked up one of the jars,
and just as I started to pour it,
I thought, "I wonder
how the glass will respond
"to having, like, boiling oil
poured into it."
(LAUGHS) Oh, no!
A natural question to ask.
"I reckon it'll probably be fine."
And I poured it in
and it just exploded.
It just went Psssssh! Like that.
And I went... (SCREAMS)
With the saucepan in my hand,
I went... (SCREAMS)
And poured it all over myself.
And this exploded and went...
And pretty much... Like,
I'm not sure what happened
because I had burns every...
I think what might've happened,
in the moment of fear,
I sucked my genitals into my body
to protect them.
Because somehow that was
the only area that wasn't burnt.
But, hey, you...
The...the story has changed.
The original story was the bits
were the only thing that got burnt.
Now your whole body's burnt...
No, no. No.
"I almost burned off my bits
while naked in the kitchen."
But I didn't because
I sucked them into me.
That is a great story if true.
I know, I'm pretty pleased
with it myself.
It's a hell of a tale.
Yeah.
Extremely well told. Is it true?
I'm now stuck on the...
How big was the clean-up afterwards
of the shattered glass
and all the sesame oil?
I didn't get any glass in my feet.
I don't know how that-that happened.
I just can't believe that you got
no cuts on your legs, though.
I know. A seaplane landed
on this guy.
Alright, gonna need an answer.
Yeah, no, I'm not
buying it, actually.
I'm hearing scepticism
in stereo here.
Yeah.
Are we... Lie? Lie?
Lie, yeah.
Lie.
Are you going with your team
or against them, Chris?
Gonna have to go with my team.
We're gonna say lie.
Alright, Frank Woodley,
is that the truth or a lie?
That story is in fact...
..true.
Oh, no!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
CHARLIE: Wow.
That would've been crazy.
Wow, it's true,
Frank did almost burn his bits off
while naked in the kitchen.
Frank does a lot of everyday things
in the nude.
Thankfully, appearing on panel shows
isn't one of them.
(ALARM BLARES)
Oh, and that noise signals
that time is up.
It's the end of the show.
And I can reveal that
tonight's winner is...
..Frank's team.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
But of course it's not just
a team game.
My individual player of the night
is Charlie Pickering.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Oh, don't. No. No. No.
That's it for Would I Lie To You?
Thank you so much for watching.
Goodnight.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Captions by Red Bee Media
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Hello and welcome to
Would I Lie To You?,
the show that separates
the bald facts from the balderdash.
I'm Chrissie Swan
and joining me are two teams
who will take turns reading stories.
It's up to the opposing team
to determine whether
the story is true or a lie.
The team with the most
correct guesses wins.
Captaining our first team tonight
is a comedian and writer
who once wrote a play about
the death of Julius Caesar
and he made a pretty good stab
of it too.
It's Chris Taylor.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Chris's first teammate
is one of the most famous DJs
in the world.
We're so thrilled he's here.
He's played two New Year's Eve sets
on the same night
in two different countries,
it is DJ and time traveller,
Carl Cox.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
And Chris's other teammate is a
comedian originally from New Zealand
but, just like Phar Lap,
we've claimed her as our own,
meaning when she dies,
we're gonna stuff her and stick her
in the Melbourne Museum.
Please welcome Cal Wilson.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Chris's opposing captain tonight
is a man who is not only
a master of slapstick comedy,
he's a familiar face
at his local hospital.
It's Frank Woodley.
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Joining Frank is a comedian
whose father was a pharmacist,
which might explain why, as a child,
he only ever saw his dad
three times a day with meals.
It's Charlie Pickering.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Thank you.
Frank's other team member is an actor
who played Kate Manfredi
in 119 episodes of
'McCleod's Daughters'.
Such a pity. If she'd only made it to
120, she would have got a free horse.
It's Michala Banas.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Alright, let's play.
First up is Home Truths,
where our panellists
each read out a statement
from the card in front of them.
The card will contain either a truth
from the panellist's life
or a lie we made up
and slipped in there.
They won't know
until they read it aloud.
It's up to the opposing team to sort
the facts from the fabrications.
Frank, are you feeling brave?
Why don't you start us off?
Oh, my goodness.
"Oh, my goodness."
I once heckled a...priest.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, please be true. Please be true.
CHRIS: Uh... (LAUGHS) ..was...
(LAUGHS)
Was the priest doing stand-up
at the time?
The priest was actually, uh,
delivering a little speech
in a wedding.
It's actually not
something I'm proud of -
what the heckle was.
It was actually...
Because it wasn't...
I don't know if other people
have had this experience
but when you've had a few drinks,
you become quite...
Uh, your censoring mechanism
doesn't work quite as well
and I just went, "Wrap it up."
(LAUGHTER)
"Wrap it up"?
Yeah.
Oh, my stars! (CACKLES)
What was the response to the heckle?
Was everyone like,
"Yeah, God, put a sock in it"?
Or were they all like, "Frank!"?
No, actually, because of what
the priest had been saying,
there was a general consensus of,
"Yeah, yeah, that's a good idea."
What had the priest been saying?
It was really bizarre.
What was the priest's name first?
Father Fenson.
(CACKLES)
Father Fenson?
Fenson.
Father Fenson, yeah.
As in like Fencin'?
He's fencin'.
Well, you can mock his name too.
But that's really rude I feel.
Like, um, yeah, it's Brian Fenson.
Father Brian Fenson from Ballarat.
And...
(LAUGHTER)
It's just a name. Relax.
So do you...
Sorry, so I'm not Catholic.
So do you...
When you father someone...
Is it... It's not like...
Like Father Bob.
Shouldn't we be calling him
Father last name?
I just wanna be clear
that in the Catholic Church,
when you father someone...
(LAUGHTER)
No, no, you-you do
normally just say, um...
Ah, you just say Father Brian.
So... But you called him
Father Fenson.
No, you said what was his name?
I said, "His name was Fenson."
But wouldn't...
No, you did say Father Fenson.
You did say Father Fenson.
So if I said...
If I was talking about you,
I wouldn't go, "Woodley."
I'd go, "This is Frank."
I wouldn't go, "Woodley."
No, but you might call me Mr Woodley
and show me some more respect.
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Was he quite short? Was he tall?
Was he, like, the same height
as yourself, you know?
He was...he was quite small
from a distance.
(PANELLISTS CACKLE)
Where are you going with that?
Like, would you not...
Would you not heckle
a tall priest, do you think?
He's quite tall, you see.
You know, at the end of the day...
So it would be inappropriate
to heckle a small priest,
whereas it's completely normal
at a wedding
to heckle anyone taller
than the heckler.
(LAUGHTER)
Do you know what he was talking...
You know what he was talking about?
What was Father Fenson
talking about?
The percentages of divorce
in the community.
(GASPS)
Oh, wrap it up, Father Fenson!
(LAUGHTER)
Good on you. Shut that shit down.
Yeah.
You've almost called him out
for being unromantic.
Not just unromantic
but, like, bitterly cynical
at the worst possible moment.
He was basically...
I think he had some kind of bugbear
about how many relationships
break up.
He was focusing on
all of the negative.
Yeah, but that's classic Fenson.
And what would Fenson know?
I'm guessing Father Fenson
has never been married.
I think that's one of the rules.
I think you're right.
I think it is.
The story checks out on that one.
Yeah. (LAUGHS)
That is true.
Even though he fathered
many...people...
(LAUGHTER)
..over that time.
Well, what are we thinking? Um...
Oh, it's Frank Woodley.
It's so hard to tell.
Yeah, I... I'm not sure
I'm buying it.
He's definitely
very...very convincing
in his way of describing everything
and I...
I like the...
I like to see the idea of him
heckling a priest.
That's brilliant. Um...
I guess we're not being asked,
"Do we like the idea of it?"
as "Do you think it happened?"
Get in touch with your intuition,
Carl. Trust your intuition.
Truth or lie, do you think, though?
Yeah, I know, I know.
Erm, yeah, I think it's true.
I think it's... I think it's true.
Oop.
I think it's true.
You're outnumbered. Are you going
with your team or are you...
I'll go with my team.
We'll say true.
Well...
Is it true, Frank Woodley?
On this occasion, it is a lie.
(CHIMING)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
No-one heckles a priest.
What a cheeky squirrel,
Frank Woodley.
It is a lie.
Frank did not heckle a priest.
But he did once dak a nun.
(LAUGHTER)
Next up is Chris.
Once during a day at the beach,
a seaplane landed on top of me.
(LAUGHTER)
Lie. Um...
Yeah. It's a very quick round,
isn't it?
You've never been to the beach
a day in your life.
I think you can just tell us
about... We can see...
You were at the beach.
I was at the beach, yeah.
And were you sunbaking
or were you swimming
or what were you doing at the beach?
At what point in the day?
No, like, at the point...
Well, let's go for the point
where the seaplane landed on you.
'Cause I'd love to tell you
the journey.
The to the beach was quite eventful.
Not as eventful as...
Let's focus mainly on the seaplane.
Um... I was in the water
at the time.
Oh.
Interesting. Which beach was it?
I don't know if you know Sydney.
It was Pittwater.
OK.
Did you sustain any injuries
from this incident?
No.
A seaplane landed on you
and you have zero injuries?
Were you disguised as a buoy?
I was a boy.
(LAUGHTER)
Were you a boy
who was disguised as a buoy?
No, I was, um...
No, I was just, um...
I think I was on a surfboard.
Oh, OK. So seaplanes are the planes
that have the big kind of buoyant...
Skis that they land on.
..skis on the bottom.
They land on the water.
Is that right?
I think so. Yeah, they...
You think so? One landed on you.
No, I think that those...
They've got the big floats.
They're planes with twin hulls.
Right, and when you say
it landed on you,
where you hit,
struck by one of those hulls?
No, amazingly, I wasn't hit at all.
You were between the hulls.
It was almost
an act of genius piloting.
Whoever the pilot
was of the seaplane,
uh, registered
where I was in the water
and managed to land the seaplane
and didn't...
..was neither a metre
too far either side,
so I actually bisected
and went through the two twin hulls
and he completely missed me.
Wow. That's... That's unbelievable.
(LAUGHTER)
It... It...
You say that. Um... (LAUGHS)
What happened directly afterwards?
Um...
No, but it had sort of gone over me
and it, you know,
it had quite a bit of momentum,
so it was miles away from me
by the time I'd kind of digested
the whole thing that had happened.
I was in shock, I think.
I would have thought that
where you land a seaplane,
like, surely they knew...
Not to land there.
..to not land...
Not land where the swimmers are?
Yeah, that's my point.
Yeah. Um...
(LAUGHS)
You would think that.
Like actual planes, there's
only certain landing strips
where they're allowed to land
and I think it has to do
with depth or something.
If they go too far away
from the designated landing strip,
they get into trouble.
You're saying this with authority.
It is a thought
you've never entertained
until that question was asked.
You just then were like Wikipedia.
No.
(LAUGHS)
I think we did inquire afterwards
about why it had to land...
Oh, who to? Who did you inquire to?
Well, to the...
No, the plane... Sorry.
The plane was miles away
by the time you had digested
what had happened.
To quote you back to yourself.
Yes.
This is getting aggressive now.
Yeah, just relax.
It's just a game, Charlie.
I'm being lied to here.
I'm being lied to.
Frank and team, what is your verdict?
No, no, no, no, no.
What inquiries were made
and where were they made?
Once I'd gone back to shore,
we went to the office
of the seaplane and just sort of...
Made sure everything was...
Oh. And where was that?
Like when you have an accident,
you exchange rego details.
Of course.
There was a little bit of that.
And we all agreed
they could actually improve
their safety measures.
If there's anyone from CASA,
or the safety aviation place,
watching tonight...
You've really taken your time
getting the message out there,
I will say.
You've gone, "Do you know what?
It was 30 years.
"But tonight's the night."
Well, I haven't had a platform
until tonight.
I think...
Alright, what do you think?
I think it's rubbish.
(LAUGHTER)
No.
Unanimous?
He did an incredibly good job
but what do you think, Michala?
I don't know.
I feel like it could be true.
CHRISSIE: Really?
There's something in me that goes
"It's true" and I don't know why.
I do want...
I didn't mean to get that aggressive.
I just felt it crossed the line
from being fun
into something almost personal.
It was so insultingly far-fetched.
Can I just say, I've been
more afraid of Charlie tonight
than I was of this fucking seaplane.
(LAUGHTER)
What's the verdict?
We're gonna say that it's...
it's a lie.
It's a lie.
Chris, is that a truth or a lie?
That one is true.
(CHIMING)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
I'm so sorry.
Why don't you listen to Poirot?
I'm sorry.
A woman's instinct.
Trust a woman's instinct.
I think we can turn my mic off
for the rest of the show.
That's why this game
is truly amazing.
Yeah.
Because, really,
that just blows my mind.
Alright, it's time
for a break but, first,
it is absolutely true that
one of our six panellists
once bought a decommissioned
parking meter from his local council.
Who do you think it is?
I'll have the answer next
on Would I Lie To You?
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(THEME MUSIC)
Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?
And before the break,
I asked which one of our panel
once bought
a decommissioned parking meter,
and it was of course
Charlie Pickering.
Of course. Of course.
Of course.
Apparently Charlie and his wife
use it for their regular
Saturday night
getting out of
a parking fine role-play.
(LAUGHTER)
No, we...
Do you know what, now that
you mention it, that's pretty good.
Alright, Michala. You are up next.
OK. Oooh.
When I was single, I used to pretend
I was a marine gynaecologist.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHS)
So...so... A marine gynaecologist.
Yes.
So on underwater mammals or you're
just in the room under water?
Like, are you...
Like, is it just a normal woman...
A normal gynaecologist who operates
on women under water.
(LAUGHS)
Or specialises on people
who are in the marines.
Oh, wow.
(GASPS)
There's a few different options.
Is there a question?
Yes.
In the world of your lie,
where you pretended to be
a marine gynaecologist,
what was the job description?
That I, uh, was a...a gynaecologist
for sea life.
How much... How many sea life
have vaginas?
Interesting you should ask that.
You do know... You know that Michala
was just saying that was her job.
She wasn't a real
marine gynaecologist.
But I wanna know how much
she drilled down on her lie.
When you're lying about a job
or lying about something, it's
always good to be very specific
and so I specified in seahorses.
Right.
Can I just ask a question, though?
Yes.
Seahorse marine gynaecologist.
Mm-hm.
Within the seahorse couple...
Mm.
..who carries the child?
Well, that's a very interesting
question, Charlie,
because seahorses can change gender.
Does that mean when you're working
on a specific seahorse,
at some point, you have to go,
"Oh, it's changing.
It's not my territory anymore"?
So, so...
Walk away. Yeah.
That's why normally
a marine gynaecologist
will work with a marine urologist
as well in tandem.
Do you get a degree?
Do you go to college?
She wasn't actually
a marine gynaecologist.
I'm really interested. (LAUGHS)
Carl wants to take it up now.
So what I find fascinating, though,
is if you are a marine gynaecologist
and you specialised in seahorses,
it is in fact the male seahorses
that carry the babies.
There you go.
You see? Everybody knows that.
So when did this...
When did this lie come in handy?
So it came about because...
When you say that
you're an actor to people,
inevitably, they want you to
prove it by listing your credits.
Whereas when you say
you're a marine gynaecologist,
there's no follow-up questions
at all.
Well, my friends and I did it as
a bit of a challenge just 'cause...
One of them was a dinosaur dentist.
When you told people,
"I'm a marine gynaecologist,"
did anybody say,
"That's not a thing"?
Never. Never.
No-one?
Apparently they were far less
sceptical than this bunch.
Never.
My goldfish needs a Pap smear.
Finally I've met someone.
Like...
(LAUGHTER)
Did you ever come across anything
kind of like that you wasn't
expecting down there?
Again, again, she's not actually
a marine gynaecologist.
She wasn't waiting for whales
to beach themselves.
"Finally, my chance." No.
I reckon it's gonna be really easy
to lie to Carl.
(CACKLING)
Let's... Let's just rewind.
I'm just curious.
Which part of the story
do you follow?
Also... It's not real, Carl.
Do the starfish
and the...and the seahorse,
do they...do they mate?
'Cause you're down there.
And...and people say ecstasy
leaves no impact on the brain.
(LAUGHTER)
Did you actually ever google 'marine
gynaecology'? Is it a real thing?
Trust me, it's not a thing. It's not.
Do you know, right now,
there is someone sitting at home
watching this going,
"We need Marine Gynaecologist
Visibility Day."
(LAUGHTER)
"Chrissie Swan says
we don't even exist!"
But where's my camera? I see you.
(LAUGHS) Fantastic.
Alright, Chris's team.
Thank you.
Time's up. We need a verdict.
Is that the truth or is it a lie?
We're sort of being asked to rule
on whether a lie was a lie or not.
Yes. Yes. Absolutely.
And I believe Michala could lie,
so I'm leaning towards true.
I don't feel we should
listen to Carl.
Right. Actually, yeah.
Oh.
We just...
CAL: So...so...my thing is,
I also understand the attraction
of lying to someone
that's annoying you at a bar.
So I'm gonna say yes,
you did used to say that.
I'm actually thinking lie,
you're thinking truth.
I'm thinking truth.
Do we dare...
Do we dare go to Carl?
We must. They're the rules.
Should we go to Carl? We do.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
No pressure. No pressure whatsoever.
I think it's fantastic that someone
can actually have such a job or not.
Or not.
Or not.
I think Marine Gynaecology
Visibility Day
just got their first ambassador.
(LAUGHTER)
This is taking off.
Carl Cox, is it true?
It just sounds so far-fetched.
At the end of the day, it's been
hilarious. I reckon it's a lie.
A lie?
Yeah. 100%.
So you've got a lie and a truth.
So lie, lie, truth.
I think we'll have to say lie.
We're going with lie. Michala Banas,
is it a truth or a lie?
That story is in fact...true.
(CHIMING)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
It is true.
CARL: I'm shocked.
Clearly, for...out of all of us,
Carl's mind is blown the most.
I am shocked.
And I'm gonna find out
more about it later.
Oh, we'll talk. We'll talk.
(CACKLES)
Very good.
I really wish we could turn back time
and have Carl hitting on you
at that time.
(LAUGHTER)
Don't go anywhere.
We'll be back with more
Would I Lie To You? after the break.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(THEME MUSIC)
(THEME MUSIC)
Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?
Our next round is called
This Is My...,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
This week, each of Frank's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest.
It's then up to Chris's team
to spot who's telling the truth.
So, please put your hands together
for this week's special guest.
It's Ange.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Now, Ange doesn't hate everyone.
She's been told that
she's not allowed to smile.
(CHUCKLING)
Alright, Charlie, you first.
What is Ange or who is Ange to you?
Uh, this is Ange
and Ange saved me
from having a meltdown
at a children's farm
when the goats
were being too goat-y.
(LAUGHTER)
They do have a way of being goat-y.
Alright, Michala, who is Ange to you?
Well, this is Ange
and, together,
we stole an 83kg wheel of cheese
from a charity event.
(LAUGHTER)
Frank, who's Ange to you?
Well, this is Ange
and she's actually
the waitress at my local cafe
and she just ignores me completely
and the only way
that I can get her attention
was to bring her onto this show.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
I believe all of them.
It's going to be so difficult.
There we have it -
Charlie's farmyard friend,
Michala's cheese thief accomplice
or Frank's
cold-shouldering cafe worker.
Chris's team, it's up to you.
Hmm...
OK, my first question is, Charlie,
if this is your goat rescuer,
was this as a child or an adult
that Ange rescued you from...
How old do you think Ange is?
(LAUGHTER)
No, but was she a child
rescuing another child
or she's an adult Ange
rescuing an adult Charlie Pickering
who's lost his mind over a goat?
That's a very good question, Cal...
and the...
(LAUGHTER)
And the answer to that very good
question is this was recently.
What was the goat doing?
It was just fully goating at me.
CHRIS: So... (STAMMERS)
Goats are allowed to be goat-y.
You might even say
it's the main attribute of a goat,
that they tend to be
a bit on the goat-y side.
So, how goat-y was this goat?
Yeah, but there's goats
and there's goats, isn't there?
Yeah.
This goat was the GOAT.
(LAUGHTER)
What did Ange do to rescue you
from the too-goat-y goat?
Well, Ange works at
the children's farm
and I was genuinely feeling
a bit threatened by this goat
who had me sort of up against
a fence and she managed to...
(AUDIENCE MEMBER LAUGHS)
What?
(LAUGHTER)
You're a good-looking guy.
You're a good-looking guy.
I mean...
I think what we're all...
Sort of the question
we're all asking,
was the 'up against the fence' issue
a two-horn issue
or a single-horn issue?
(LAUGHTER)
Uh, it was a two-horn issue.
You're pinned against a fence...
Yeah.
..by a goat with two horns.
And can I say, I don't know
if you've noticed this about goats,
but...disproportionately large,
you know, ball bag.
(LAUGHTER)
So big that you noticed it
from the front.
Yeah.
Of all the scrota
in the animal kingdom,
I think it's probably the ugliest.
There. I've said it.
Was it only the scrotum that...?
(LAUGHTER)
That's... Yeah.
It's the second-ugliest scrotum.
(LAUGHS)
(APPLAUSE)
Congratulations.
On that note,
let's move on to Michala.
Thank God!
(FRANK AND MICHALA LAUGH)
How do you know Ange?
Ange and I together
stole an 83kg wheel of cheese
from a charity event.
How big is 83kg of cheese?
It's big.
(LAUGHS)
It's a canape for Matt Preston.
(LAUGHTER)
It's pretty big.
It's pretty big, yeah.
Can you, like, give us a, like...?
I-I reckon like that,
but quite thick as well.
It's a thick sort of...
Did you kind of...
Did you think about cutting it down
and kinda take it out in pieces
or did you just kinda
just roll it out, sort of?
(LAUGHS)
He makes a good point, you see.
And, so, we utilised
its natural shape...
(LAUGHS)
..and we rolled it out.
I assume that the cheese wasn't there
to tempt you and Ange
to break the law.
Was it there to be eaten?
No, it was a display wheel.
So, you stole it
but you never ate it?
Oh, no, we ate it.
(LAUGHTER)
(STAMMERS) So...so, how...
Not all of it.
We actually, um, were living
together at the time as well
and so if you came to our house
in the weeks after...
Or, indeed, the following decades.
(LAUGHTER)
Frank, remind us again
how you know Ange.
Ange is the waitress
at my local cafe
and she just ignores me completely,
and so inviting her
onto this program
was the only way
that I could get her attention.
And she's showing off
her skills tonight.
Yeah. Exhibit A. That's basically...
I have no idea
what her face looks like.
Although I shouldn't... That was a
bit harsh because it was my fault.
I've got her, really, here
to apologise to her.
What did you do?
Well, because it's a local cafe
just near my place called the Boho
and there was another waitress there
who I actually...
I would say that
I befriended quite...
Her name was Lisa,
and what happened,
I was in there one day
and there was another customer
there who was quite, um...
Look, some sort of drug-addled thing
was going on, I think.
And at one point,
she just went, um, you know,
"Any time you're ready,
you slowpoke trollop,"
to Lisa, right?
And then when that person left,
Lisa came over and asked me
if I wanted another coffee,
and I just paused for a moment
thinking,
and then she went, "Any time
you're ready, you slowpoke trollop,"
like that to me,
and then that became mine
and Lisa's little thing.
So, then,
when I would go into the cafe,
if she was working there,
I'd just pick my moment.
At least once a time,
there'd be a "Any time you're ready,
you slowpoke trollop."
And, you know, it was
a nice little joke, a running joke.
CHRISSIE: Yeah.
I didn't know Lisa had left.
Ange, first...
MICHALA: You did it to this one!
..first day on the job,
similar haircut, similar build,
I think you can see what happened.
Let's get an answer.
Chris's team,
is Ange Charlie's farmyard friend,
Michala's cheese thief
or Frank's
cold-shouldering cafe worker?
I kind of like the cheese story.
I think we can eliminate Frank.
Are you happy to eliminate Frank?
You see, I feel like
we're gonna say it's cheese
and then Frank will be, like,
"It's totes my...
"It's totes my slowpoke trollop."
If it is Frank's, we're in for
an amazing television moment
or an incredibly awkward moment.
It could really go either way,
so I'm kind of hoping it's Frank's.
I think it might be Charlie.
I don't think it's Charlie.
I do love the idea of
Michala and Ange.
I think their body weight combined
not being as much as
the cheese itself...
It sounds like there's two cheeses
there, Chris.
Yeah, they do look like
they could be friends.
They're kind of the same age.
Yeah, I think so.
So, even though
my heart is saying goat...
(LAUGHTER)
..I'm gonna go with my team
who haven't...
Well, they've mostly
let me down, but...
(LAUGHTER)
And we're gonna say Michala.
(LAUGHS) OK.
Ange, would you like to reveal
your true identity? I can't wait!
My name's Ange
and Michala and I
stole an 83kg wheel of cheese.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
I love it! It's true.
Ange and Michala did steal
that wheel of brie.
Thank you so much
for coming in, Ange.
(APPLAUSE)
Gosh, I love that bit of the show.
I love it, love it, love it.
We'll be back with more
Would I Lie To You? after the break.
(THEME MUSIC)
(THEME MUSIC)
You are watching Would I Lie To You?
where fact and fiction
go head to head.
Time for our next round, Possession,
in which a mystery object may or may
not belong to one of our panellists.
It's up to the opposing team
to work out
whether the story is
a truth or a lie.
Alright, Charlie, it's your turn.
If you could reach
under your desk, please.
Oh, my goodness.
MICHALA: Ooh!
Put it on the desk
and then read the card.
This is the cricket bag
responsible for one of
my many high-school detentions.
CHRIS: Right.
Where do you wanna start, Chris?
Um, what about this bag
caused you to get a detention?
Um, well...
..I...
Take your time,
you slowpoke trollop!
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
So...
Gave him a bit of thinking time
there. That was good.
(LAUGHS)
This was my new cricket bag, right,
and I took it to school
on the first day
and before school started,
I thought, "I could fit in that."
This was high school.
How old would you have been?
This was Year 10.
Year 10 and you could fit in that?
I would have been 16, yeah.
And I got into it
and...and then this...
The...the way I got in trouble was
I got my friends to zip it up
and I said, "Carry me to roll call.
I'll answer from in the bag."
Yes, yes!
(LAUGHTER)
I like it.
And so, they put it on a desk
at the front of the classroom,
teacher does the roll,
gets to Pickering
and I call out, "Here,"
and the teacher...
(LAUGHS)
Well, the teacher, I presume,
was looking. I couldn't see.
I was in a bag.
(LAUGHTER)
"Pickering." "Here." Looking.
"Pickering." "Here." Looking.
And then I managed to unzip myself
and popped out and said...
It was like...
It was like popping out of a cake.
Like I was a stripper
popping out of a cake.
Popping out, "Here I am."
(LAUGHTER)
Like, emerged 'Birth of Venus' style
from the bag.
Oh, naked? Naked?
Yeah, yeah, completely naked.
In your imagination, it's gone from
stripper to 'Birth of Venus'.
Yeah.
It's had an elevation.
Yeah, no, well, period three
was Renaissance history, so...
(LAUGHTER)
And just with a little cricket box
covering the...
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
And so emerged triumphant
and Mr Henzell,
like...like, in just a split second,
said, "You, detention now."
And that was it.
Are we gonna do
the whole OJ glove moment
and see if he can get into the bag?
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
CHRIS: We need to know
if he can fit in there.
We can do it around here
if you want.
Keep in mind it's, what...
How long ago was it?
It was Year...
25 years ago.
I don't think any of us
are the same size.
Alright, so...
Alright, get in the bag.
OK, so far, so good.
It's sort of like reverse Christmas,
isn't it? Like...
Oh, I don't know...
MICHALA: Oh, can I be the teacher?
Hang on a minute!
That's not gonna zip up.
That is...
Oh, he's not a teenager anymore.
He's got a fat back.
(LAUGHTER)
CHARLIE: That's very hurtful.
That's awfully close.
FRANK: Oh! Don't rip it.
Oh, my God, are you OK?
No, it's alright.
It's alright.
You know what? I really
feel like the difference...
If you could see what I can see,
the difference is
the difference between
a teenager and a grown man, really.
It's incredibly close.
Michala, could you
come around here for a sec?
That absolutely would have
zipped up.
I'll do roll call, so, um,
oh, g'day, class.
I'm just gonna
check everyone off the list.
Chrissie Swan.
Here.
Carl Cox.
(LAUGHS)
(LAUGHTER)
She's doing a roll call.
You say, "Here."
Are you present or not?
Charlie Pickering.
Here, sir.
(LAUGHS) I love it!
Charlie Pickering?
Here, sir.
(LAUGHS)
Charlie Pickering?
I'm here, sir.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Oh, I love that!
Fantastic!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Gorgeous, Charlie. Alright,
Chris's team, this is the hardest.
I just think it's a shame
Charlie never presented
'The Project' like that.
(LAUGHTER)
Tonight on Who's In The Bag?
(LAUGHTER)
Look, it feels in character.
I can also believe he played cricket
and had cricket equipment
and he's shown
even all these years on
he can more or less still
fit in the bag, so I think...
What do you think, Carl?
He was very confident
on getting in the bag.
I know for a fact
I couldn't do that. (LAUGHS)
It would be so Pickering for it
to be a lie.
It really would!
I've never seen that bag before
in my life.
Carl and I are convinced.
OK.
Amazing scepticism
in the face of him
actually showing us he can do it.
We're gonna say true.
Charlie Pickering,
is that a true story?
It is...
..true.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Yes.
I'm so relieved about that.
It is true, of course.
It'd be sociopathic
if that turned out to not be true.
Yes.
So, it's less sociopathic
that you actually did it all.
Yes, that is true.
That is, in fact,
Charlie's cricket bag,
and every now and then,
he still enjoys climbing inside,
as we just saw, snuggling up
to his bat and holding his balls.
(LAUGHTER)
It's time for a break. We'll see you
soon on Would I Lie To You?
(THEME MUSIC)
Can you pick the truth
from the lies?
on 10play on demand.
(THEME MUSIC)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?
Now it is time to ramp up the pace
and play Quick Fire Lies.
Just a reminder,
the story on the card
could be completely familiar
to our panellists
or something
they've never seen before.
Chris, you can start us off
and show us how it's done.
As a child, I decided that I could
never be friends with anyone
whose name starts
with the letter 'D',
and I've continued this habit
into adulthood.
(LAUGHTER)
So no Barrys, no anybody?
No 'D'.
(LAUGHTER)
Barry's fine.
Barry's...Barry's a joy.
When I.... When I meet someone
called Barry, it's a huge relief.
If Barry was called Darry,
we'd have a problem.
The loud music has affected...
When...when did this start?
(LAUGHS)
More importantly...why?
(LAUGHS)
On what 'bay' did this start?
I'd say primary school.
That's pretty vague.
That's very vague.
That's like 5 to 12, bro.
Very vague.
I think you must know
more specifically
'cause it has to...like,
there has to be someone.
There was, there was a Darren.
Yeah, there was a Darren.
It was... He bullied me.
Darren was a... Darren was a shit.
So in the sandpit
at primary school,
he just made
my primary school life hell
to the point that Darren
and his name became problematic.
Why not just Darrens?
Why anyone with a 'D'?
Th-the reason was at primary school,
you're often categorised
or asked to queue up alphabetically.
So those around Darren,
who also had 'D' Christian names,
started to be infected
by his poisonous bullying.
So, Darren...
What a bunch of d-heads.
Yeah, so Darren, David and Derryn,
they all started forming
this 'D' gang,
and so it sort of was
logical in my head
that anyone with the letter 'D'
at the start of their name
was an enemy of mine.
Why did you carry this on
into your adulthood?
Why didn't you just go,
"Well, that was a silly kid thing"?
I guess we become
creatures of habit,
sort of once you start something,
you just keep doing it.
Do you feel, though, that there's
been anybody who you've really...
..you know in your conscious mind
that you've missed out
on a beautiful friendship
because they're a good person
but the 'D' in their name
just gets in the way?
I assume David Attenborough
is lovely.
I...I...
I think that's a safe assumption.
I've heard his shows are quite good.
You've never watched
a David Attenborough...
You... How can...
How's that possible?
You've never watched
a David Attenborough show?
No 'D'... No 'D's in my household.
Oh, I dunno.
Did you watch 'Baywatch'
starring David Hasselhoff?
With a lot of double-D girls.
So, what about in terms of
the romantic side of things?
Has there ever been,
like, a, you know, a...a girl...
No, i-it has affected me,
if I was being honest.
Like, there was this gorgeous
lovely girl, Danica, um, who...
(LAUGHTER)
Nuh. Nuh, nuh.
Who was...
No, there was not.
There was not!
..who was otherwise perfect.
Like, you could not fault her,
she was absolutely angelic.
Had her name not begun with 'D',
we'd probably be married.
Yeah, I think she'd have
some say in the matter.
Alright, guys.
You know, people do have these kind
of mental quirks and issues.
So what are you thinking, Michala?
No, they absolutely do.
But I think this is A-grade baloney.
To suggest that this is...part of
a sincere mental health issue,
and choose this as the forum
to talk about it,
I mean, I don't think
you are that bad a person.
So I will say that is a lie.
OK.
So I think we're unanimous.
We're gonna say that it's a lie.
Chris, is it the truth
or is it a lie?
(SIGHS) Charlie has been
so sceptical all day,
and it's been insulting, frankly.
Um, 'cause I'm here to tell you
it is actually...
..a lie -
of course it's a lie, lie, lie.
(APPLAUSE)
Of course.
Of course it was a lie.
How do you spin that one?
I'm just sad because we could've had
Daryl Somers on the show after all.
(LAUGHTER)
Alright, Cal Wilson, it's your turn.
Oh! Ooh.
(CLEARS THROAT)
A routine trip to the vet...
I thought you said...
I thought you said "a rooting".
(LAUGHTER)
MICHALA: Oh, my God, so did I.
Hang on, what are we doing?
We're giving her time to think.
A routine trip to the vet
resulted in hair growing
on the back of my hand.
(LAUGHTER)
CHRISSIE: What?
So to get us off and running,
I'd like to know what the routine
trip to the vet was.
I was taking my cat to the vet,
and he was ver...
he was a very anxious cat.
And the vet was clipping his claws,
and the cat bit me.
Turning you into a cat.
Yeah.
That night...
Like Spider-Man.
Was it a radioactive cat?
What am I missing?
Right.
Yes, yes, I-I am a werewolf.
Naturally, I wanna talk about
the hair and how much...
Like, how much hair
are we talking here?
So, like, if there was
a close-up of my hand,
you would go,
"Oh, that man has a tiny hand."
Yeah, right.
So, like dark hair...
Dark hair, dark hair,
dark thick hair.
Can I ask, how did it go from
a scratch to sprouting hair?
Well, so what happened was
the cat bit me
but it bit me really deeply
through my hand.
It turned into an abscess,
so I had an abscess
and I had to have surgery.
And as it was getting better,
I just had hair on my...
I just grew hair on my hand.
Cat hair or human hair?
My hair!
Human hair.
My-my thing is it's like
your body going...
..just trying to throw
every healing thing at it,
and it's gone, "Oh, I don't know -
hair!" Like...
I've never heard about
the hair from the...
Did you do something to remove
the hair or did it just fall out?
It just eventually fell out,
but the weird thing about it was
I found myself
unconsciously stroking it.
Um, and I didn't realise I was doing
it until a waitress was watching me
and I realised I must look like
a really budget Bond villain.
Just like...
You just need a spinning chair.
You just need to turn around
on the chair.
I come with my own cat.
CHRIS: Yeah.
How long...how long ago?
Rowr! No! Not now, not now.
Soon. Soon.
Can I see your hand and see...
Is there a scar?
So those are my fingers. That thumb
does that, and that thumb does that.
Can I come have a look?
Anyone can do that.
"Mine does this, and this one won't
move at all!" I mean, that's...
Why isn't this used...
Why aren't there bald men
just scratching their...
getting cats to bite their heads?
Carl's wondering, "Tell me more!"
Frank's team, we're gonna
need an answer. Truth or lie?
OK, well,
what do you think, Michala?
I don't know why
but I think it's true.
There's a lot of detail
in that story.
But, no, I think it's true.
You're thinking true.
I don't believe it.
Not for a moment, in your voice.
I think it's a lie.
But it's so weird!
And she can say it's true
and the screen can turn green,
I'm still not gonna believe it.
For some reason,
my gut's saying true.
So we're gonna go with true.
We're going with true.
Cal Wilson, is that true
or is it a lie?
It...
..is true.
(CHIMING)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Wow.
What?
Charlie's like...Charlie's like nuh.
I-I'm glad to get the points.
I still...I still
don't believe you.
Time for a break. We'll see you soon
on Would I Lie To You?
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(THEME MUSIC)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(THEME MUSIC)
Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?
And we're in the middle of the round
we call Quick Fire Lies.
Frank, it is your turn.
OK.
Ah, I-I almost burned off my bits.
No, there's more.
I almost burned off my bits
while naked in the kitchen.
When you say 'bits'...
'Bits'.
Yeah?
Which bits?
Um, the bits involved in...
What is it? Um...
Procreating?
Procreation.
The bits involved in procreation.
Been a long time, hasn't it, Frank?
Yeah, been a while.
Yeah.
When was the burning of the bits
taking place?
Um, look, it must've been about,
ah, 20 years ago, I think.
Um, and, ah, yeah, I was in the...
I was in the kitchen
and, um, there was...
there was an incident
that I was very fortunate.
You could describe it
as a horrific incident.
But it could've been a lot worse.
This is just giving me the giggles.
I don't know whether
it's true or not.
So...so are you normally naked
in the kitchen?
Um... No, not... No, I wouldn't say
I'm normally naked in the kitchen.
But, um, basically,
I was, um, going to give myself
a full-body massage... (LAUGHS)
CHRISSIE: I'm sorry, what?
I was gonna give myself
a full-body massage,
and that was...that was upcoming.
"Oh, God, I've gotta prepare dinner,
"so while I'm cooking, oh, I almost
might also give myself a massage..."
At no point did I say
I was preparing dinner.
You were in a kitchen.
Yes, but I wasn't preparing dinner.
I was preparing the oils. (LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS) I was...I was
preparing the oils.
Sunflower oil? Vegetable oil?
Which oil do you use from the
kitchen when you have a massage?
Sesame oil, and, um...
MICHALA: There are
so many visual things...
I know!
..coming into my mind.
Because there's an actu...
there's a thing y-you can do
that's kind of a massage,
but it's a traditional...
Marinade.
It's like a...sort of similar to
a Chinese, um, medicine treatment,
but it's actually
the Indian version of that.
It's called Ayu...called Ayurvedic,
Ayurvedic medicine.
And, um, I had, like, a really
bad back for a long time,
and I'd been, um...
The only thing for that is
boiling hot oil on your penis?
Yeah... (LAUGHS) Yeah.
And it helped!
No, d... Actually,
this is the weird thing.
You would think that you would
massage your back.
Wouldn't you?
The bit that has the complaint.
But the Ayurvedic doctor said,
"I want you to massage sesame oil
into your entire body."
And does it...
And the oil needed to be warm?
The oil actually needed to be cured,
and that involved pouring it
into a saucepan
and bringing it to the boil, then
you left it until it cooled down.
And then you could use it
for your daily massage
to make your back feel better.
What I don't understand is
it seems quite an elaborate process
that you might want
some assistance with.
Why didn't you ask someone to help
with the massage
rather than do it yourself?
Um, I reckon if it
happens again, I will.
Like, how do you... Can you
demonstrate how you even attempt...
How do you even begin to give
a sesame oil massage to yourself?
Look, it's not that complicated.
Problem area is the back,
the hardest place to reach.
Check this out.
CHRISSIE: He's pretty flexible.
It's gonna blow your...
It's gonna blow your mind.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Pwhhh!
CAL: So...so what...
There's that - that's not a massage,
that's just rubbing
your back briefly.
That's what a massage is!
Have...have you ever been to
a masseur and asked for...
What, you've just gone,
"That...that wasn't a...
"That wasn't a massage!
"You just rubbed my body
and squeezed my muscles!
"I want my money back!"
How did your bits get burnt?
So, it's...it's boiled in the...
The oil has...has cured.
Sizzle, sizzle, sizzle.
Sizzle, right?
And, um, I was intending it...to
keep it in these glass yoghurt jars.
Yeah.
Storage.
So I picked up one of the jars,
and just as I started to pour it,
I thought, "I wonder
how the glass will respond
"to having, like, boiling oil
poured into it."
(LAUGHS) Oh, no!
A natural question to ask.
"I reckon it'll probably be fine."
And I poured it in
and it just exploded.
It just went Psssssh! Like that.
And I went... (SCREAMS)
With the saucepan in my hand,
I went... (SCREAMS)
And poured it all over myself.
And this exploded and went...
And pretty much... Like,
I'm not sure what happened
because I had burns every...
I think what might've happened,
in the moment of fear,
I sucked my genitals into my body
to protect them.
Because somehow that was
the only area that wasn't burnt.
But, hey, you...
The...the story has changed.
The original story was the bits
were the only thing that got burnt.
Now your whole body's burnt...
No, no. No.
"I almost burned off my bits
while naked in the kitchen."
But I didn't because
I sucked them into me.
That is a great story if true.
I know, I'm pretty pleased
with it myself.
It's a hell of a tale.
Yeah.
Extremely well told. Is it true?
I'm now stuck on the...
How big was the clean-up afterwards
of the shattered glass
and all the sesame oil?
I didn't get any glass in my feet.
I don't know how that-that happened.
I just can't believe that you got
no cuts on your legs, though.
I know. A seaplane landed
on this guy.
Alright, gonna need an answer.
Yeah, no, I'm not
buying it, actually.
I'm hearing scepticism
in stereo here.
Yeah.
Are we... Lie? Lie?
Lie, yeah.
Lie.
Are you going with your team
or against them, Chris?
Gonna have to go with my team.
We're gonna say lie.
Alright, Frank Woodley,
is that the truth or a lie?
That story is in fact...
..true.
Oh, no!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
CHARLIE: Wow.
That would've been crazy.
Wow, it's true,
Frank did almost burn his bits off
while naked in the kitchen.
Frank does a lot of everyday things
in the nude.
Thankfully, appearing on panel shows
isn't one of them.
(ALARM BLARES)
Oh, and that noise signals
that time is up.
It's the end of the show.
And I can reveal that
tonight's winner is...
..Frank's team.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
But of course it's not just
a team game.
My individual player of the night
is Charlie Pickering.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Oh, don't. No. No. No.
That's it for Would I Lie To You?
Thank you so much for watching.
Goodnight.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Captions by Red Bee Media